Anon’s A Villain To Fight Villains

by Yellowtail

Day 3: I’m Not Changing For Anyone

Celestia and I chill out in my throne room, watching television. I put my gift in a secret location that only Clash knows. This is because I asked Clash to stash it until the time was right. I figured it’d be nice if I took Tia out on a date first. Sure, we just had one, but I am a villain with standards dammit. I don’t want to give my gift to her in a cafe, I wanna give it to her in a classy, fine dining environment. Celestia might not be a princess anymore, but I want to treat her like one occasionally.

“… Isn’t this one of your alien movies?” Celestia suddenly asks. I crack a smile, not looking at her.

“Oh yeah. Definitely,” I say.

“Didn’t you say you used your take over plans as a basis?” She asks, with growing confusion.

“Yup,” I say.

“But… in this one… the aliens are just turning ponies into pickles,” she says.

“Yes,” I say.

“… I don’t think I like this movie,” Celestia says, suddenly a little disturbed.

“Twilight turning frogs into oranges should have scared you long before I thought of turning ponies into pickles,” I retort. Celestia laughs, remembering her student’s antics.

“Isn’t this nice Anon? Just you, me, talking, and resting with the nice glow of the television,” Celestia says, nuzzling into my neck affectionately.

“… It’s fine,” I reluctantly admit. She simply giggles. As we relax, I note that I hadn’t seen Frank in a hot minute… I think this is the best day of my life. Of course, the moment I think this, a bigger television teleports into the room, landing and smashing the one we were watching. “God damn it,” I mutter as Celestia sighs.

“I guess nothing good lasts forever,” she bitterly mutters. The TV sputters to life with robo-Jan and Frank at the forefront.

“Hey Boss!” Frank yells.

“The fuck you want Jan?” I ask tiredly.

“It’s that time to fight Anonymous! You are to be teleported to Manehatten, where you will proceed to your next battle!” Jan says excitedly.

“… Nah,” I answer.

“… Of course,” Jan says bitterly. “Well, I took into account that you-“ I zap the television until it explodes, showering the floor with its glass. Quickly, a guard comes by and sweeps it all into a pan.

“What if it was important?” Celestia asks.

“If we’re talking about Jan, it probably wasn’t,” I say nonchalantly. However, another television teleports in and turns on to show a bemused Jan.

“I hate you,” he says quietly.

“So? Do something about it,” I say. Jan smiles.

“Oh, I did. I nabbed something valuable to you Anonymous,” Jan says before gesturing to Frank, to which the camera finally fully pans over to show him. I scan over Frank before I feel my eyes bulge out of my sockets.

“NO, YOU SICK DEMENTED FUCK!!!” I yell in terror. In one of Frank’s arms, is the lamp. The anniversary lamp. “HOW DID YOU KNOW THE LAMP WAS FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY!?!?”

“I knew you’d- wait, lamp? What-“ Jan looks over to see the lamp Frank’s carrying and looks back at me in confusion. “Um, dude, one of your right hand henchman is right here, who I kidnapped, don’t you uh, care about him?” I give him a deadpan stare.

“Buddy, Frank has so few brain cells, I’m sure he’s not even aware he’s kidnapped,” I say. “Better question, FRANK WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE MY LAMP!?!?” Frank gives a dopey grin.

“I have a gun!” He very clearly, very excitedly says. To this, Jan and I look at him in fear.

“What!? Since when!?” Jan yells as the camera cuts to him. Suddenly, a bang is heard and he screams before ducking for cover. The television turns off as Celestia looks on in confusion.

“He- he can talk?” She asks.

“I know Jan’s not smart, but you don’t have to-“

“No, not him, Frank. Frank could talk!?” Celestia asks.

“Of course he can talk,” I say, confused by Celestia’s surprise.

“Anon, I’ve never heard him say anything more than ‘Yes Boss’ and ‘Hey Boss’. Since when could he talk?” Celestia asks.

“Look, I’m not worried about his use of the English fucking lexicon, I’m concerned with the fact that someone gave that moron a fucking gun!” I yell. I get up and as soon as I do, I get teleported out with a flash, and I’m at Manehatten, the one place I’ve never visited. I just don’t like this city since it reminds me of New York. Honestly I just hated the government. Fuck New York and it’s whip cream laws. Anyway, insane internal monologue aside, I’m specifically in a back alley,

“Anonymous,” a voice calls. I look over to see the changeling queen.

“Chrysalis,” I acknowledge. She hisses.

“It’s QUEEN Chrysalis, fool,” she says.

“What’re you queen of? You’ve got no bitches,” I retort. Chrysalis’ eye twitches.

“… You know, I was going to offer an alliance, but now I think I’ll just kill you,” she says.

“Good enough for me,” I say, getting into a fighting stance as electricity sparks around me. Chrysalis teleports, appearing behind me and bucking me from behind. I turn around and attempt to zap her, but a spell from her horn is shot at me, completely negating the electric bolt, and latching onto my left hand. “What the fuck!?” I yell. I attempt to shoot electricity, but it feels cut off from my hand.

“Like it? I developed a spell based off of some minerals from my previous hive,” Chrysalis remarks snidely.

“Okay Bitchless,” I mutter. Chrysalis bristles at the name.

“DON’T YOU DARE-“ She’s interrupted by me pulling out my gun with my other hand, and shooting her horn with it. Just like all the other unicorns I’ve shot, she collapses into a ball, holding her horn in agony, screaming in pain.

“Get fucked,” I grumble, about to shoot electricity at her with my right hand. However, Chrysalis recovers fast enough to teleport out of the way. “God dammit.” I hear a pained hiss behind me, causing me to whirl around and shoot out electricity in a burst. However, nothing was behind me. I walk down the back alley, as I finally start hearing the background noises of busy city life. I guess I was too focused on fighting to notice these noises, as it slowly becomes deafening as my heart slows down. “Fuck the city life,” I mutter, getting a headache. I look at my still-encased hand and sigh. I sit down against a wall, and concentrate. Maybe I can force it open with some force magic? I try to do that, but it has very little effect. Great, my hand’s out of the count for this round. I sigh as I look up, tired. I hear a snicker off to my side, causing me to spring up. I squint my eyes as I scan the area for anything out of place. I need to get out of here.

I sprint down the alley and into the street, bumping into a couple ponies. They start to say something, but as they look up, they recognize me and back away. I look around for anything suspicious. However, there’s too much going on, too many creatures passing me. I walk down the street, passing various shops and stores, feeling like someone’s watching me. I mean, of course Chrysalis is watching me, no shit, but it sounds cool okay! I turn into an alley, before slamming my encased hand into a wall to see if I can break it, only to be met with disappointment. I hear laughter from somewhere around me.

“Not using the crowd to your advantage?” I ask, trying to distract her as I look around.

“Please, we both know you would just electrify the crowd to find me,” Chrysalis answers back. “Ponies can stand electricity better than changelings after all.”

“Like bugs and a bug zapper,” I note.

“DO NOT COMPARE US TO INSECTS YOU BUCKING APE!!!” Chrysalis yells. I think I found her weakness. I start charging electricity inside me.

“No, I think the comparison suits you. You hide and survive like roaches, you have temperament of wasps,” I continue, smiling a little. I can almost feel Chrysalis’ anger. “The only insect i can’t compare you to is a fly, because at least a fly has some significance.” With that last straw, Chrysalis teleports above me, fangs out, screaming in rage. I simply point a hand at her and fire off all the electricity I could. Chrysalis gets caught in the electricity, and screams in pain. I sidestep as Chrysalis falls next to me, smoking. “… Oh shit is she dead?” I ask in mild panic. I lean over, putting a finger on her neck, and found a pulse. “Oh, cool, she’s just unconscious from the monumental amount of pain she was in,” I note. A television appears as Chrysalis is teleported out.

“Good stars man, did you-“

“No she’s alive,” I interrupt.

“Geez. Well, uh, onto the bonus fight then,” Jan says.

“Cool,” I mutter, tired of today already. I look over to see Rainbow Dash teleporting in. She snickers as she gets ready to charge. “Oh great, an easy fight,” I note. Rainbow loses her smile and charges at me. I simply raise a hand and- fuck I forgot that one’s encased in shit still. I try to raise my other hand, but I’m tackled as Rainbow grabs me and starts flying high.

“I’ve waited a long time for this Anon,” Rainbow says. I look down to see we’re already pretty high up.

“You’re gonna have to wait a little longer then,” I say before reaching around in a hug, and pulsing electricity to one wing. The wing locks up, and Rainbow is immediately panicking.

“H-hey! What’re you doing!?” She screams as our momentum is slowing down.

“You know why you can’t ever beat me?” I mildly ask as we come to a stop. I grin widely as she looks at me in fear. “I’m willing to risk a lot more than you are.” With that, we start falling, as Rainbow desperately tries to keep us afloat with one wing.

“L-let go! We’re going to die!” Rainbow yells.

“Oh, now you’re concerned about my health?” I ask. Rainbow desperately tries to pull me off, but I keep a good hold on her as I keep pulsing electricity to her wing.

“Please!” She desperately cries. Without warning, I let go, kicking her away from me. I do a sick backflip, because why not, and I free fall as Rainbow spins in the air. I think of Kratos’ falling meme song as I fall, keeping my eyes firmly locked on the oncoming ground. With a lot of concentration and energy, I force pushed towards the ground, slowing down my fall dramatically and landing with relative ease. This still hurts my fucking knees, but it’s better than breaking them. I look up to see Rainbow has recovered, and barely managed to slow down enough to land next to me, panting.

“You wanna try again?” I ask, giving a smirk. She growls.

“You could’ve killed us!” She yells.

“You were trying to kill me,” I deadpan.

“W-well, I know you would’ve been fine, you’re always fine!” She argues back. I whip out my gun and shoot her in the chest, causing her to back up and fall over. “Ow! Buck!”

“Don’t ever try that again,” I say. “Because next time, I’m going to fry those wings.” Rainbow gulps as she looks up at me, noticing I’m not smiling anymore. With that, she’s teleported out. A television appears.

“Well! Congratulations for-“

“Can I go home now?” I ask, unamused.

“I didn’t finish,” Jan deadpans.

“Oh, sorry go ahead,” I reply. He clears his throat.

“Okay. As I was-“

“Don’t care,” I say.

“Saying, I wanted to-“

“Don’t care.”

“Congratulate you on your-“

“Still don’t care.”

“Rather short and efficient-“

“Don’t care.”

“Fight- WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?!?”

“Make me,” I respond.

“I will! When we fight!” Jan says, trying to save face.

“Coward,” I say. Jan sighs and the television teleports out shortly before I’m teleported back. I collapse on the now empty couch as I sigh in relief. Finally, home… am I forgetting something?… I feel like I’m forgetting something… “OH SHIT THE LAMP!!!” I yell in panic. Clash walks in, smiling.

“Sir! Happy to report Frank has been secured and is safe and sound!” Clash says. I sigh.

“Yeah, I guess that’s fine. Wait- DID HE BRING THE LAMP!?!?” I yell in panic. Clash blanches.

“Erm, well, uh, he-“

“Jan still has the fucking lamp doesn’t he?” I ask. Clash hesitantly nods, I sigh. “Leave the room.” Clash does so, closing the door behind him. He hears crashing furniture and sparks of electricity zap the door as he backs away from the anger storm.

Rainbow Dash wraps her wings with gauze, making sure the muscle relaxing lotion stays on. Twilight lands on her balcony before trotting in. “So?” She asks. Rainbow shakes her head.

“He’s crazy Twilight, he almost killed me. Buuut, I got to thinking, and I’m starting to realize…“ Rainbiw trails off, looking away from her lavender friend.

“What, realize what? A weakness?” Twilight asks.

“… Maybe you’re taking this too far Twilight,” Rainbiw says. “When you asked me to… do that, I was pumped. I thought it’d be simple, but he… I think he took it personally. When I calmed down, the more I think about it, I think we’re taking this too far.”

“I think we’re not taking it far enough,” Twilight says, turning around. “Rainbow Dash, how many creatures have tried to take over the world since Anon’s reign?”

“Um, I kinda lost count Twi,” Rainbow admits.

“Thirty seven, Rainbow Dash. Thirty seven ponies, griffons, minotaurs, heck even hippogriffs! They’re taking inspiration from Anon’s success! We have to beat him, only then will there be less incentive for others to try,” Twilight says.

“Well… I was wondering if we could beat him without hurting him?” Rainbow asks.

“Rainbow, Anon always won because he went farther than we expected him to. Now, we need to do the same,” Twilight says before walking out and taking flight.

Author's Note:

Hope y’all enjoyed this one!

Comments

[Herald of Opera]

“Rainbow, Anon always won because he went farther than we expected him to. Now, we need to do the same,” Twilight says before walking out and taking flight.

He said basically the same thing, but he used "willing to" and that's how you're going to lose. You just don't have the stomach for what it'll take to beat him, and that's why he always wins.

[GlitchyFox]

11389062
twilight gotta legit torture and threaten celestias death to win this

[Herald of Opera]

11389073
And there are so many reasons why she wouldn't even consider that as an option. Which is both my point and Anon's.

[GlitchyFox]

11389137
yup. not even in her crazed state would she consider that. She MIGHT consider messing with the sun and moon at peak twilight crazy but at that point she might even cosider ramming him with the moon while he is in front of her so yea

[ItsYaBoiSatan]

He's only taking it personally because at the moment it's interfering with his personal biz.

Sincerely,
-Ya Boi Satan

[Rubahhitam]

So. Much. Yes.

-Rub

[shadow wolf1573]

This is fun.

Nice chapters all around

[Adamastos]

Well...... Twilight’s embracing her crazy side for all to see. All beware the greatest villain in Equestria, Princess Twilinanas! Abuser of Spells, Master of Obsession, Contessa of Checklists, & Destroyer of Cheeses!