> Anon’s A Villain To Fight Villains
>  by Yellowtail
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Day 1: The Competition
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sigh in comfort as my massage chair gives me good vibes. Celestia’s out to have meetings with her personal baker all day, Frank’s out of my hair for the next twenty minutes, my throne room table is not broken for fucking once, and I am sitting in the lap of luxury. Peace, and quiet. Well, not quiet, since I’m watching the news with a TV set up on top of the giant table. An ad for something rather interesting is playing.

“Yep! That’s right! Real fake traps! They look like traps, but they don’t do anything!” The advertiser says enthusiastically. “No one can sue you for not hurting them!” I hum in interest as a Diamond dog clad in silver armor stumbles in. 

“Sir! Ex-Princess Luna is here to see you!” He yells. This is Clash, he got Bones’ position after he left. He’s rather uptight to put it lightly.

“Send her in,” I say lazily. After a moment, Luna walks in, glaring at me. “Wow. I haven’t done anything and I’ve pissed you off today. New record!”

“Cut the crap Anon, where is my sister?!” Luna asks. I raise an eyebrow.

“Fuck if I know, probably going through the insane asylum you call a noble court,” I say. I start watching tv again as Luna rants.

“Anon, she has been missing for over three hours and no pony knows where she is. You and her are dating for who knows what reason and you’re telling us you don’t know where she is!? That is irresponsible and stupid! We refuse to- WILL YOU PAY ATTENTION TO US!?!?” Luna yells. I sigh and look at her.

“Look, Celestia is God knows how old and she was the fucking Princess. You’re telling me she can’t take care of herself? And besides that, believe it or not, I’m not the controlling type in relationships” I say. 

“Regardless, aren’t thou the least bit worried?” Luna asks.

“No, not really. If there’s some big bad guy hanging around, then Twilight and the Super Fucks will deal with it. Besides, if you’re so worried, why are you wasting time trying to convince me to do something I’m not in the mood to do?” I ask. Luna huffs before her horn lights up. The tv flashes before the screen goes fuzzy. It falls to the ground, cut in half. “What the fuck was that for!?” I yell. To this, Luna glares.

“Three years ago. Our bucking armor was shot by a bucking tank,” Luna says. 

“You waited three fucking years to break a television?” I ask, unamused.

“Who said we aimed for the tv?” She asks, smirking. On cue, the entire stone table slowly falls apart, cut in half in the same manner as the television.

“God fucking dammit! That shit costs money! Why does everyone always break my fucking table!?” I yell. Suddenly, Clash rushes in, out of breath.

“S-sir! Sir! T-there’s a- There are-“ Clash stops as he sees my rage-filled eyes land on him.

“Stutter one more time and I’m sending you to shock therapy to fix it,” I warn, electricity sparking around me. He gulps.

“Aliens!” He blurts out. Luna and I stare at him for a second before looking at each other.

“Ten bits says she’s kidnapped,” I say.

“Thou art on,” Luna replies.

We walk outside, looking up to find a giant television flying in the air. Various residents of this town called Ponyville look up at this spectacle in fear. Suddenly, it turns on, and a silhouette appears on screen. It’s oddly familiar looking, as it’s a similar shape to me. “Greetings Equestrians! My name is Jan, and we are here to free you!” Every pony looks at each other in confusion. “It has come to my people’s that one of our own may be here on this planet. Then, we learned he’s a super villain. To fix this, we at first wanted to just take him, but it seems you have other villains on this planet as well. Villains such as-“ The screen cuts to a photo of Tirek, a red centaur, Chrysalis, a queen changeling, Cozy Glow, an insane middle schooler pony, and Discord, a menagerie accident. “These unlikely dastardly wrong-doers! So, we decided to help! No need to thank us! We are totally cool!” The ponies murmur amongst themselves.

“Now, we realize this must be too good to be true, so we kidnapped your princess to convince her that we’re doing all of you a favor!” With that, Luna sighs as a bag of bits teleports into my waiting hand. “Don’t worry, she’s being taken care of! In any case, we’re taking these villains as well as our target, and none of them will ever bother you again!” All of a sudden, a flash of light blinds me, and I fall on my face. 

“Sonova bitch!” I yell, getting up. I look around to see that I’m in a cell, with a weird looking robot eye looking me up and down.

“Ah, you’ve arrived! Awesome sauce! You ready to suffer for your crimes?” It asks enthusiastically. I squint my eyes at it as I stand up. 

“Fuck no,” I answer, sending electricity into it. The robot short circuits, and falls to the floor. 

“Warning, cell is unattended, Maintainer requested,” a robotic voice calls. I simply walk out of my cell. “WARNING!!! SYSTEM ALERT!!! PRISONER ESCAPED!!!” Throughout the hallways, there are other cells and doors labeled ‘Security’.  I smile a little as humanoid robots walk in from the security rooms. “Aggressive force authorized, return to your cell.” 

“No, I don’t think I will,” I say, electricity coursing through me, ramping up as I get excited for some action. 


Celestia and Jan watch the monitor with different expressions. Celestia is nonplussed, knowing that this would happen. Jan, or rather, his robotic and human-like face, was rather concerned. “Well. That didn’t take long,” he mutters.

“Told you,” Celestia says, as I start fighting on camera, laughing maniacally.

“From what these readings are telling me, his electrokinesis is ridiculously strong. Way too strong for most of my robots,” Jan mutters some more. 

“You better make a deal, Anon won’t stop until you either let us go, or give him a reason to stay,” Celestia says. Jan sighs.

“At this rate, I’m going to lose this fight before it even began. This was supposed to be so simple. First take the Princess to safety-“

“Trust me, it’s not safe when Anon’s involved and you’re fighting him,” Celestia cuts in.

“Second, capture and subdue Anon and other villains-“

“I’ve tried holding a bunch of them in one place before. It’s not a good idea,” Celestia cuts in again, recalling when she had done this.

“It’s like, two steps. How could I mess up two steps?”

“You didn’t mess it up, Anon messed it up. He does that a lot,” Celestia dryly notes. Jan looks at her with unamusement.

“Your comments are not helping,” he says.

“Look, Anon’s not going to stop anytime soon, and you aren’t going to have fun when he gets here. You want some helpful advice? Talk with him face to face,” Celestia says. “Just bring me along.”


A group of security bots crowd a door, readying weapons that kind of look like laser guns. “Heat sensor indicates escapee’s presence. Initiating suppression procedure. Take aim.” With that, all the robots went still. Suddenly, the door gets blasted open, sending it crashing into a line of security bots as all the others open fire. However, I walk through the smoke to reveal a shield spell is up. I keep a wide smile as electricity sparks around me. 

“Y’all are so stupid,” I say, before sending a force push towards the remaining standing robots. I continue walking when suddenly, a monitor on the wall turns on, showing a robotic human-like face. Then, a flash of light blinds me as Celestia teleports next to me.  “Jesus Christ!” I yell, rubbing my eyes, 

“Anonymous the Villain, stand down, I want to talk,” Jan says. 

“Yeah I bet you sure do,” I say.

“Why yes, I’m fine, thanks for asking,” Celestia inputs sarcastically.

“Didn’t ask,” I reply. I turn my attention back to Jan. “The fuck you wanna talk about?” 

“You’re destroying my ship and I haven’t even left the atmosphere, I need to bring you back to my world, and you probably won’t cooperate. I want to make a bargain,” he says. 

“What type of bargain?” I ask.

“I want to prove you’re worth bringing back, and I want to weaken you. I propose a tournament to do just that. In the end, you’ll fight me, and if I win, you’ll come back with me. If you win, you return home,” he says. I cross my arms.

“So? Why shouldn’t I just kick your ass right here and now?” I ask. 

“Because you’re bored and you want to fight something,” Celestia interjects. I look at her for a moment before sighing.

“Damn, that’s a good point,” I mutter. “… Fine. So, what’s this tournament about?”

“Basically, you fight all of the other villains of Equestria in randomized locations throughout the course of this week. At the end of the week, if you’ve survived, I’ll fight you. You may bring whatever items you can bring for a fight, but the last fight must be based on natural talent,” Jan replies.

“Hm… alright sounds fun,” I admit.

“See, I told you he’d do it,” Celestia says. I look at her in confusion.

“Wait, was it your idea?” I ask. Celestia smiles warmly at me.

“I figured it might be a nice three year anniversary gift. I noticed how bored you’ve seemed and when I got kidnapped, I figured it would be a great opportunity! Do you like it?” She asks. I stare at her for a second before smiling and hugging her tightly.

“You have no idea how much I love you right now,” I say. To this, Jan is visibly confused and disturbed.

“… What in the stars is wrong with you people?” He asks.
> Day 2: Magic Be Damned!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stretch as I sit in my chair within a cafe in Canterlot. According to Jan, our first fight is in Canterlot. For a supposed hero, he sure has no problem endangering lives. Celestia, disguised as a regular white unicorn with an orange mane, and sitting across from me, smiles as she finishes off her strawberry shortcake. “I kind of expected this to be a lot more violent by now. Call me pleasantly surprised,” she says. 

“Eh, give it a minute or so,” I respond. I sigh before I take a sip of my coffee. “I have to admit, I’m excited to see whoever’s fighting me today. I haven’t had a good fight ever since Twilight’s misunderstanding.” Celestia giggles.

“I still love that she finally won and you weren’t even a villain anymore,” Celestia says. “Do you even count that fight as a win for her?” She asks. I laugh wholeheartedly.

“No, you stepped in before she could stop me,” I reply, snickering. Suddenly, the cafe doors open with a jingle, and Clash rushes in.

“Sir! Recon is finished and I have a report ready, sir!” He yells, to the chagrin of the other customers.

“Take a chill pill Clash, what’s the report?” I ask, sighing.

“There were no suspicious activity! Recon is doing a double check, sir!” He says, slightly quieter. Celestia snickers as I pinch the bridge of my nose.

“Okay, and what about the secondary objective?” I ask. Clash blinks silently. A minute goes by and my fist clenches. “Don’t tell me you forgot the secondary, mandatory, objective.” Clash starts sweating before he breaks his stance and falls to the ground crying.

“I-I’m sooo sorrry siiiiirrrr-“ he sobs. “Please give me another chaahaahaaaanceee!!!” I groan as I look at the miserable pile in front of our table.

“Stand up you spineless lump of fuck,” I say, picking up Clash and setting him straight. “Never mind about the secondary target, I’ll deal with it myself. You continue recon, and maybe I’ll forgive you.” To that, Clash nods, sniffling, and rushes out. “God I miss Bones,” I mutter, to Celestia’s amusement.

“How is he by the way? I hadn’t heard from him since he went to the Crystal Empire,” she asks. 

“He’s doing good, I haven’t visited in a while though. His kid’s apparently a little slow at school, but he’s great at basketball so it evens out,” I say. “I sent him a care package with some money the other day, he doesn’t need it, but I still wanna do something nice for him every one in a while…”

“Aw, how sweet,” Celestia says. I hum.

“… Now I feel too nice… I’mma go ruin someone’s day,” I say abruptly before getting up and marching out. Celestia giggles and waves bye as I march before calling over a waiter and asking for another shortcake.

I huff as I walk down the streets of Canterlot, looking around. The secondary objective is important to me, as it pertains to Celestia’s anniversary gift. Truth be told, I completely forgot it was this week. As I walk, I’m racking my brain for a good enough gift. It can’t be cake, that’s predictable. Can’t do jewelry, since she’s not a toddler and easily entertained by shiny shit. I groan as I come to a stop. “Why the fuck are relationships so hard? Why couldn’t Celestia just fuck off?” I ask myself, fixing my cap. Suddenly, a tug on my coat wakes me up from my internal despair. I look over to see a shriveled hand from under a cloak, holding onto me. “Great, free entertainment,” I say.

“Is he friend, or is he foe?” The hobo asks. 

“Fuck if I know,” I reply. A chuckle is heard before the figure comes closer.

“Could you, perhaps spare some change?” It asks. 

“Yes,” I answer honestly.

“Ah, most gracious,” the cloaked stranger says, putting out a red hand.

“No, I didn’t say I’d give you money, I just meant I had money,” I say.

“Oh, rather harsh don’t you think?” He asks. I snicker before walking away. 

“No, not really,” I answer. Suddenly, I’m spun around and the figure throws off his cloak to reveal a rather shriveled red centaur. Before I could react, the centaur leans in, mouth open, and sucks in air. “…” I look around awkwardly. “… Right, I’m gonna just uh, leave now. This is just sad,” I say, backing up. 

“W-what?” The centaur asks, perplexed. He looks at his arms and looks back up to me angrily. “What did you do!? Where’s your magic!?” 

“Chill the fuck out you hobo,” I say.

“Grah! I’ll be back!” He yells before running off. I hum in mild interest as I turn around to continue walking. You know, he kind of reminded me of someone… someone… OH SHIT- I turn back around and start running after Tirek. 

“Shit shit shit shit shit,” I mutter, trying to run faster and faster. I hear screams of panic in the distance. “God damn son of a bitch ass mother fuckin’ dicker of a fuck!!!” I yell as I turn towards the sound. As I run, I glimpse a shop off to the side that catches my eye. I skid to a stop and rush over to a shop called La Déchetterie. Fuck it, I might as well grab something for Celly quick. I burst in, look around wildly and see a red lamp. It’s in the shape of a sun. Looks tacky. It’s perfect. I take it, slam it on the desk, scaring the clerk, and say, “Hold this until I get back.” With that, I charge out of the store.

Tirek, now much taller and more muscular, grins widely as he sucks more magic out of a unicorn. “Stop sucking off that guy and fight me bitch!” I yell. Tirek tosses away the poor soul before turning towards me. We’re in a courtyard, surrounded by cornered citizens and various shops. 

“Silence fool, I’m going to enjoy tearing you apart. So save your breath for your screams,” Tirek says, grinning with confidence. I chuckle.

“Any last words before I kick your fucking shins?” I ask. 

“I’ve said enough,” Tirek finishes, before firing a laser at me. I side step before launching lightning. Tirek takes the brunt of it, grunting. “Heh, interesting. It’s not Equestrian magic at all.” With a grunt, he picks up a nearby cart and tosses it towards me. Quickly, I run off to the side and take out my gun. “I’ve heard of your exploits, Anonymous the Lightning Bearer. However it seems your lightning isn’t up to snuff!” I point my gun at him. I fire away, only to see the bullets bounce off.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I mutter. Another laser is shot at me, this time aiming for my feet. I dart off before the laser hits the ground, it trails behind me during our chase, tracing my path with scorch marks and torn up ground. Tirek stops, grunting as I turn to run towards him. 

“You might be fast, but all I need is one hit!” Tirek yells as he charges up his horn. 

“Threats don’t work on me bitch!” I yell, jumping once I was close enough. It was just in time too, since Tirek unleashes his laser, which flies right under me. With a concentrated force push, I rose even high and flew towards Tirek even faster. As he looks up to try and hit me with the laser, I start charging up my electricity. In one fluid motion, I grab onto one of his horns, and use my momentum to twirl around it, landing my ass on his back like I was on a rodeo. Tirek’s head, thank to my momentum, was pulled back and the laser shot up into the air. I unleash all of my charged up electricity, which wasn’t as much as I was hoping for, but it was enough to make Tirek yell and spazz out. I held on for dear life by keeping a grip on his horns. I laugh maniacally as Tirek shakes and twists, trying to get me off. Finally, I run out of charge, and Tirek actually grabs me by the scruff of my shirt. “Uh oh,” I say. Tirek throws me onto the floor in front of him, knocking the wind out of me.

“Annoying pest!” He yells, charging a laser. I start to get up, but he kicks me with a hoof and sends me sprawling onto my stomach. Placing a hoof on my back, he keeps me still as I struggle. I start sending electricity through his hoof, but he doesn’t seem to mind all that much, going so far as to chuckle.

“Fucking fatass, move!” I yell. Tirek finally unleashes his laser into my back. Searing, burning pain enters my back, forcing me to scream in pain. The pony onlookers wince as they watch Tirek wreck my shit. Finally, the laser stops and Tirek kicks me away. I roll away for a few feet before Tirek chuckles.

“This was who took over Equestria? Pathetic,” he says, before turning to the ponies. “I feel a little peckish right now, would anyone like to satisfy my hunger?” To this, all the ponies back up, but Tirek had trapped them in earlier with a piece of building. Thus, blocking the only other exit to the courtyard. I get up as I hear ponies freak out and start charging my electricity. I hold out my hands and try to find any electrical energy source in the area and flow it towards me. Tirek’s about to power up and I can’t stop him. So, I’m gonna need a lot of power for this attack. The air starts crackling and zapping, and the sky starts to grow darker. Tirek looks up as he finishes sucking the magic out of several ponies. Confused, he looks back at me and sees I’m still up, and I’m glaring at him with glowing eyes. He merely smiles and turns to face me. “I truly need to study your magic, it’s almost similar to my own. Too bad you’ll be-“

“Shut the fuck up for fucking once!” I yell, invigorated by the electricity coursing through me. Sparks fly whenever I move. Tirek finally notices that I’m charging much faster than he realized, and snorts before shooting a laser at me. I pull up a force field, and block the shot before it could reach me. I continue charging as Tirek fires more and more lasers at me, only to find them stopped. He grunts and charges at me. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes me, causing me to tense up as a shit ton of energy courses through me, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I yell in pain. This should probably be enough to at least stop him. I aim my hand towards Tirek, and energy jumps between my arms before launching right at the red centaur.

Everyone is blinded by the electrical energy as Tirek get struck. Tirek falls to the ground, still sliding forward from the momentum of his charge. His body spazzes out much more visibly than before, and he screams in pain. I keep sending out energy, trying to expel this sudden excess as fast as possible. My fingers and toes feel like they’re burning, and my chest starts to hurt. Finally, Tirek stops in front of me, silent but spazzing as I pour more electricity into him. After a few moments, I finally stop and breathe heavily. Panting, I look up to see Tirek’s passed out and he falls to the floor. I fall to one knee as I put a hand to my chest in pain, grabbing the tattered remains of my shirt.

“Well, well, well!” A new voice yells in excitement. I look up wearily to see Jan’s stupid robot face. “Congratulations! You won the main fight!” I stop and look up in astonishment.

“Excuse me, ‘main’, fight?” I ask. Jan nods.

“Yep Yep! There’s a bonus fight you have to do now! Have fun!” Jane says excitedly before disappearing. Suddenly, Tirek shrivels and shrinks as magic leaves him, returning to the rightful owners. I watch as Tirek gets teleported out with a flash of light, only to be replaced with Applejack. She looks at me with a smirk.

“It’s about high time I-“ she stops as I fall onto my stomach. “Oh shoot, what the hay happened to y’all?!” 

“Tirek happened,” I mutter. Applejack looks around and finally notices the scorched earth around us. 

“Wow, it Uh, looks like it took a lot outta you,” she says, walking over and sitting next to me. I roll over to look at the sky. “Oh golly! What the hay happened to your chest!? It looks crispier than a barrel of hay bacon!” I look over at her slowly.

“Excess energy,” I mutter before nearly passing out. 

“Well… shoot, now I feel kinda bad now, I can’t fight y’all like this,” Applejack says.

“You know, this is why none of you could ever stop me. This is a perfect chance to do so and you’re pitying me. Fuck off,” I say, flipping her off tiredly. “I would fight you even if you were crippled.” Applejack snorts a laugh before nodding.

“That’s true. I know y’all well enough to know you would,” she says. 

“… Oh damn, I still gotta get Celestia’s gift,” I mutter.

“Say what? A gift?” Applejack asks.

“Look, just, stay out of it, I can fight you in a bit just-“ with that, I slowly sit up before trying to stand. Shakily, I get up and get into a fighting stance. 

“Um, are y’all sure you wanna-“

“Fight me you bumpkin fuck,” I interrupt. Applejack certainly looks miffed from that comment, but she sighs.

“I can’t rightly fight y’all when you can’t even stand straight,” she says. “Just- tell y’all what, let’s take a break, and come back here to fight once y’all feel better.” I cough up some smoke before hesitantly nodding.

“A-alright, but I’m taking advantage of you alright! You’re not helping me or anything!” I yell, causing her to chuckle.

“Sure sugarcube, sure,” she says. I roll my eyes and start walking off. “So, where do y’all wanna eat? It’ll be my treat.” I grunt. 

“There’s a cafe Celestia and I were eating at, but I’m sure she’s finished up by now,” I say. “She has some stupid shit to do so we can eat wherever. First, however…” 

I kick open the door to the shop I visited earlier. I slowly walk up to the counter of the clerk pony, who I now finally look at. The pony has a light grey coat of fur with a blue twirly mane. He looks rather frightened by my presence, his glasses rattling as he shakes. Wordlessly, I take the lamp I set on the counter earlier, and start walking out. “U-um, sir, y-you have to pay for that!” The clerk stammers. I stop and give him a side-eye as electricity starts sparking around me. The clerk recoils from my look and coughs into a hoof. “W-well, I suppose that one was er, getting uh, thrown out anyway,” he quickly amends, giving a nervous smile. I stare at him for a few more seconds before slowly walking out with my well earned lamp. Applejack chuckles a little as she sees my prize. 

“A lamp? Y’all gonna get the ex-ruler of Equestria a lamp?” She asks. I grumble quietly as we head off to find a restaurant.

We find ourselves at the courtyard again, after eating and allowing me to recover well enough for another fight. Applejack and I square off, as I put up my fists. Applejack snickers, taking out some rope. “I ain’t going easy on y’all, ya hear?” I roll my arms before snickering.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” I say, as energy crackles around me. Applejack charges forward and twirls her lasso. I pull out my gun and shoot several bullets, but she dodges them by side stepping. “At least you’re learning,” I mutter, reloading and putting my gun away. I quickly charge up some electricity before shifting some bolts her way. She stops, side steps one bolt, and jumps over the other two before throwing her lasso. It wraps around my hand before Applejack yanks me forward. I stumble, but force push myself backwards, screwing up Applejack’s landing and causing her to fall and let go of the rope. I take this opportunity to shoot more lightning at her, but she rolls over before it connects. Damn, she’s fast. 

“You’re not winning this ti-“ I interrupt her by shooting one more bolt with the last of my energy, which finally connects. She trembles and shakes as she falls to the floor, limp. 

“I dunno, my chances are pretty good,” I say, smirking. Suddenly, Jan’s face appears, disappointed.

“It seems the first round goes to you, Mr Anon,” he says. 

“Get fucked nerd,” I say. Jan sighs.

“Yes well-“

“Cope,” I interrupt. Jan looks at me for a moment.

“As I was-“

“Seethe,” I interject. Jan glares at me. 

“Will you stop-“

“No bitches,” I say.

“SHUT UP!!!” Jan yells.

“L plus ratio,” I say, smiling widely. 

“Forget it, I’ll see you tomor-“

“Your mom,” I say. Instead of responding, Jan teleports out with Applejack.

Applejack stumbles home to find Applebloom and Twilight waiting for her. She simply smiles at her waiting friend and family. “Didn’t win, but I didn’t think I wanted to win today,” she says simply before walking into her house with Applebloom, leaving Twilight at her porch. Twilight looks on where Applejack disappeared from and sighs. In a way, she doesn’t want to win. However, given how much trouble Anon put her through… she recalls her deal with Jan, struck up earlier this morning. 

“If any of you or your friends finish off Anon in the bonus round, and I’ll take him away from your world. You’ll never have to deal with him again,” Jan had said. Twilight, to the slight disappointment to her friends, agreed in a heartbeat. However, after thinking about it throughout the day, she almost regrets the decision. Nonetheless, she told her friends to prepare for their fight. There’s no real loss if they lose, but still, Twilight hopes she can win…
> Day 3: I’m Not Changing For Anyone
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celestia and I chill out in my throne room, watching television. I put my gift in a secret location that only Clash knows. This is because I asked Clash to stash it until the time was right. I figured it’d be nice if I took Tia out on a date first. Sure, we just had one, but I am a villain with standards dammit. I don’t want to give my gift to her in a cafe, I wanna give it to her in a classy, fine dining environment. Celestia might not be a princess anymore, but I want to treat her like one occasionally. 

“… Isn’t this one of your alien movies?” Celestia suddenly asks. I crack a smile, not looking at her.

“Oh yeah. Definitely,” I say.

“Didn’t you say you used your take over plans as a basis?” She asks, with growing confusion.

“Yup,” I say.

“But… in this one… the aliens are just turning ponies into pickles,” she says. 

“Yes,” I say. 

“… I don’t think I like this movie,” Celestia says, suddenly a little disturbed.

“Twilight turning frogs into oranges should have scared you long before I thought of turning ponies into pickles,” I retort. Celestia laughs, remembering her student’s antics. 

“Isn’t this nice Anon? Just you, me, talking, and resting with the nice glow of the television,” Celestia says, nuzzling into my neck affectionately. 

“… It’s fine,” I reluctantly admit. She simply giggles. As we relax, I note that I hadn’t seen Frank in a hot minute… I think this is the best day of my life. Of course, the moment I think this, a bigger television teleports into the room, landing and smashing the one we were watching. “God damn it,” I mutter as Celestia sighs.

“I guess nothing good lasts forever,” she bitterly mutters. The TV sputters to life with robo-Jan and Frank at the forefront.

“Hey Boss!” Frank yells.

“The fuck you want Jan?” I ask tiredly.

“It’s that time to fight Anonymous! You are to be teleported to Manehatten, where you will proceed to your next battle!” Jan says excitedly.

“… Nah,” I answer.

“… Of course,” Jan says bitterly. “Well, I took into account that you-“ I zap the television until it explodes, showering the floor with its glass. Quickly, a guard comes by and sweeps it all into a pan.

“What if it was important?” Celestia asks.

“If we’re talking about Jan, it probably wasn’t,” I say nonchalantly. However, another television teleports in and turns on to show a bemused Jan.

“I hate you,” he says quietly. 

“So? Do something about it,” I say. Jan smiles.

“Oh, I did. I nabbed something valuable to you Anonymous,” Jan says before gesturing to Frank, to which the camera finally fully pans over to show him. I scan over Frank before I feel my eyes bulge out of my sockets.

“NO, YOU SICK DEMENTED FUCK!!!” I yell in terror. In one of Frank’s arms, is the lamp. The anniversary lamp. “HOW DID YOU KNOW THE LAMP WAS FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY!?!?”

“I knew you’d- wait, lamp? What-“ Jan looks over to see the lamp Frank’s carrying and looks back at me in confusion. “Um, dude, one of your right hand henchman is right here, who I kidnapped, don’t you uh, care about him?” I give him a deadpan stare.

“Buddy, Frank has so few brain cells, I’m sure he’s not even aware he’s kidnapped,” I say. “Better question, FRANK WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE MY LAMP!?!?” Frank gives a dopey grin.

“I have a gun!” He very clearly, very excitedly says. To this, Jan and I look at him in fear.

“What!? Since when!?” Jan yells as the camera cuts to him. Suddenly, a bang is heard and he screams before ducking for cover. The television turns off as Celestia looks on in confusion.

“He- he can talk?” She asks.

“I know Jan’s not smart, but you don’t have to-“

“No, not him, Frank. Frank could talk!?” Celestia asks.

“Of course he can talk,” I say, confused by Celestia’s surprise.

“Anon, I’ve never heard him say anything more than ‘Yes Boss’ and ‘Hey Boss’. Since when could he talk?” Celestia asks.

“Look, I’m not worried about his use of the English fucking lexicon, I’m concerned with the fact that someone gave that moron a fucking gun!” I yell. I get up and as soon as I do, I get teleported out with a flash, and I’m at Manehatten, the one place I’ve never visited. I just don’t like this city since it reminds me of New York. Honestly I just hated the government. Fuck New York and it’s whip cream laws. Anyway, insane internal monologue aside, I’m specifically in a back alley, 

“Anonymous,” a voice calls. I look over to see the changeling queen.

“Chrysalis,” I acknowledge. She hisses.

“It’s QUEEN Chrysalis, fool,” she says. 

“What’re you queen of? You’ve got no bitches,” I retort. Chrysalis’ eye twitches.

“… You know, I was going to offer an alliance, but now I think I’ll just kill you,” she says.

“Good enough for me,” I say, getting into a fighting stance as electricity sparks around me. Chrysalis teleports, appearing behind me and bucking me from behind. I turn around and attempt to zap her, but a spell from her horn is shot at me, completely negating the electric bolt, and latching onto my left hand. “What the fuck!?” I yell. I attempt to shoot electricity, but it feels cut off from my hand. 

“Like it? I developed a spell based off of some minerals from my previous hive,” Chrysalis remarks snidely. 

“Okay Bitchless,” I mutter. Chrysalis bristles at the name.

“DON’T YOU DARE-“ She’s interrupted by me pulling out my gun with my other hand, and shooting her horn with it. Just like all the other unicorns I’ve shot, she collapses into a ball, holding her horn in agony, screaming in pain.

“Get fucked,” I grumble, about to shoot electricity at her with my right hand. However, Chrysalis recovers fast enough to teleport out of the way. “God dammit.” I hear a pained hiss behind me, causing me to whirl around and shoot out electricity in a burst. However, nothing was behind me. I walk down the back alley, as I finally start hearing the background noises of busy city life. I guess I was too focused on fighting to notice these noises, as it slowly becomes deafening as my heart slows down. “Fuck the city life,” I mutter, getting a headache. I look at my still-encased hand and sigh. I sit down against a wall, and concentrate. Maybe I can force it open with some force magic? I try to do that, but it has very little effect. Great, my hand’s out of the count for this round. I sigh as I look up, tired. I hear a snicker off to my side, causing me to spring up. I squint my eyes as I scan the area for anything out of place. I need to get out of here. 

I sprint down the alley and into the street, bumping into a couple ponies. They start to say something, but as they look up, they recognize me and back away. I look around for anything suspicious. However, there’s too much going on, too many creatures passing me. I walk down the street, passing various shops and stores, feeling like someone’s watching me. I mean, of course Chrysalis is watching me, no shit, but it sounds cool okay! I turn into an alley, before slamming my encased hand into a wall to see if I can break it, only to be met with disappointment. I hear laughter from somewhere around me. 

“Not using the crowd to your advantage?” I ask, trying to distract her as I look around.

“Please, we both know you would just electrify the crowd to find me,” Chrysalis answers back. “Ponies can stand electricity better than changelings after all.” 

“Like bugs and a bug zapper,” I note. 

“DO NOT COMPARE US TO INSECTS YOU BUCKING APE!!!” Chrysalis yells. I think I found her weakness. I start charging electricity inside me.

“No, I think the comparison suits you. You hide and survive like roaches, you have temperament of wasps,” I continue, smiling a little. I can almost feel Chrysalis’ anger. “The only insect i can’t compare you to is a fly, because at least a fly has some significance.” With that last straw, Chrysalis teleports above me, fangs out, screaming in rage. I simply point a hand at her and fire off all the electricity I could. Chrysalis gets caught in the electricity, and screams in pain. I sidestep as Chrysalis falls next to me, smoking. “… Oh shit is she dead?” I ask in mild panic. I lean over, putting a finger on her neck, and found a pulse. “Oh, cool, she’s just unconscious from the monumental amount of pain she was in,” I note. A television appears as Chrysalis is teleported out.

“Good stars man, did you-“

“No she’s alive,” I interrupt. 

“Geez. Well, uh, onto the bonus fight then,” Jan says. 

“Cool,” I mutter, tired of today already. I look over to see Rainbow Dash teleporting in. She snickers as she gets ready to charge. “Oh great, an easy fight,” I note. Rainbow loses her smile and charges at me. I simply raise a hand and- fuck I forgot that one’s encased in shit still. I try to raise my other hand, but I’m tackled as Rainbow grabs me and starts flying high. 

“I’ve waited a long time for this Anon,” Rainbow says. I look down to see we’re already pretty high up.

“You’re gonna have to wait a little longer then,” I say before reaching around in a hug, and pulsing electricity to one wing. The wing locks up, and Rainbow is immediately panicking.

“H-hey! What’re you doing!?” She screams as our momentum is slowing down. 

“You know why you can’t ever beat me?” I mildly ask as we come to a stop. I grin widely as she looks at me in fear. “I’m willing to risk a lot more than you are.” With that, we start falling, as Rainbow desperately tries to keep us afloat with one wing. 

“L-let go! We’re going to die!” Rainbow yells.

“Oh, now you’re concerned about my health?” I ask. Rainbow desperately tries to pull me off, but I keep a good hold on her as I keep pulsing electricity to her wing. 

“Please!” She desperately cries. Without warning, I let go, kicking her away from me. I do a sick backflip, because why not, and I free fall as Rainbow spins in the air. I think of Kratos’ falling meme song as I fall, keeping my eyes firmly locked on the oncoming ground. With a lot of concentration and energy, I force pushed towards the ground, slowing down my fall dramatically and landing with relative ease. This still hurts my fucking knees, but it’s better than breaking them. I look up to see Rainbow has recovered, and barely managed to slow down enough to land next to me, panting.

“You wanna try again?” I ask, giving a smirk. She growls.

“You could’ve killed us!” She yells.

“You were trying to kill me,” I deadpan. 

“W-well, I know you would’ve been fine, you’re always fine!” She argues back. I whip out my gun and shoot her in the chest, causing her to back up and fall over. “Ow! Buck!” 

“Don’t ever try that again,” I say. “Because next time, I’m going to fry those wings.” Rainbow gulps as she looks up at me, noticing I’m not smiling anymore. With that, she’s teleported out. A television appears.

“Well! Congratulations for-“

“Can I go home now?” I ask, unamused.

“I didn’t finish,” Jan deadpans.

“Oh, sorry go ahead,” I reply. He clears his throat.

“Okay. As I was-“

“Don’t care,” I say.

“Saying, I wanted to-“

“Don’t care.”

“Congratulate you on your-“

“Still don’t care.”

“Rather short and efficient-“

“Don’t care.”

“Fight- WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?!?”

“Make me,” I respond. 

“I will! When we fight!” Jan says, trying to save face.

“Coward,” I say. Jan sighs and the television teleports out shortly before I’m teleported back. I collapse on the now empty couch as I sigh in relief. Finally, home… am I forgetting something?… I feel like I’m forgetting something… “OH SHIT THE LAMP!!!” I yell in panic. Clash walks in, smiling.

“Sir! Happy to report Frank has been secured and is safe and sound!” Clash says. I sigh.

“Yeah, I guess that’s fine. Wait- DID HE BRING THE LAMP!?!?” I yell in panic. Clash blanches.

“Erm, well, uh, he-“

“Jan still has the fucking lamp doesn’t he?” I ask. Clash hesitantly nods, I sigh. “Leave the room.” Clash does so, closing the door behind him. He hears crashing furniture and sparks of electricity zap the door as he backs away from the anger storm.


Rainbow Dash wraps her wings with gauze, making sure the muscle relaxing lotion stays on. Twilight lands on her balcony before trotting in. “So?” She asks. Rainbow shakes her head. 

“He’s crazy Twilight, he almost killed me. Buuut, I got to thinking, and I’m starting to realize…“ Rainbiw trails off, looking away from her lavender friend.

“What, realize what? A weakness?” Twilight asks. 

“… Maybe you’re taking this too far Twilight,” Rainbiw says. “When you asked me to… do that, I was pumped. I thought it’d be simple, but he… I think he took it personally. When I calmed down, the more I think about it, I think we’re taking this too far.”

“I think we’re not taking it far enough,” Twilight says, turning around. “Rainbow Dash, how many creatures have tried to take over the world since Anon’s reign?”

“Um, I kinda lost count Twi,” Rainbow admits.

“Thirty seven, Rainbow Dash. Thirty seven ponies, griffons, minotaurs, heck even hippogriffs! They’re taking inspiration from Anon’s success! We have to beat him, only then will there be less incentive for others to try,” Twilight says.

“Well… I was wondering if we could beat him without hurting him?” Rainbow asks.

“Rainbow, Anon always won because he went farther than we expected him to. Now, we need to do the same,” Twilight says before walking out and taking flight.
> Day 4: Reflective Chaos
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the middle of the night, a lone robot teleports into a metal throneroom, where Jan awaits his prize. “Excellent, thank you. Run along now and keep repairing the perimeter.” The robot nods and heads out. The human-like creature picks up the object, inspecting it and realizing it’s a book. “So, this is Anon’s source of power?” He asks himself before opening it. He takes a deep breath before opening his eyes fully to take in this immeasurably powerful magic… only to see words he cannot read, as they’re in a language he doesn’t recognize. “What the- this is chicken scratch!” He yells, throwing the book at the floor before putting his face into his hands. “Confound it all! Why is he always one step ahead!?” He yells. “I’ve traveled stars know how many light years to catch this stupid miscreant and I swear it’s like fate is just torturing me for kicks at this point!” He continues yelling into the empty room. However, as he looks over disappointingly at the book, he sees its pages flipping wildly before stopping. 

“What’s this?” He asks, much calmer now. He walks over to it, his metal boots clanging against the metal floor. He picks up the book to see it’s resting on a picture of a human figure, split down the middle. One side was dark, while one side was light.

“That, is your solution for today,” a voice calls, scaring Jan. 

“What the-“ Jan spins around to see a mismatched menagerie creature, lounging on Jan’s metal throne. “Discord, I presume?”

“Why yes! Good job! Amazing observational skills my alien monkey friend!” He says. Jan snaps and humanoid robots teleport in, pointing laser guns at Discord. “Oh please,” Discord says, before snapping as well. The robots suddenly have antlers and deer legs, which start synchronized tap dancing. Jan looks on, not really surprised anymore. Discord smirks. “What’s wrong Jan? Why the long face?” Discord teleports beside him and uses two claws to hook each end of his mouth and turn it into a smile, threateningly close to cutting him. “Try smiling Jan, you’re the hero! The one to save us all, right?” Discord asks mockingly, letting his face go. Jan sighs. 

“Why do I even bother? None of you take me seriously, Anon’s done nothing but make a fool of me every step of the way,” Jan says, sulking. He starts walking to his throne. “Just… just go home. I don’t care anymore.”

“Oh, now, that’s quitter’s talk!” Discord says, teleporting beside him with a wide orange jumpsuit and jeans on, a towel lazily wrapped around his neck. “You just need to get back in the ring, show ‘em a one two punch!” Discord emphasizes this by punching the air.

“Look, unless you know how I can use that book, I don’t stand a chance. I might as well call off this stupid bet and leave,” Jan mutters.

“Well, it just so happens, I do know,” Discord says, making Jan perk up. “You see, I knew this one guy, kind of. Strange fella, always hopping in and out of various realities. He was such a hoot though!” Discord laughs to himself. Jan taps his fingers on the armrest, growing impatient. “Leeroy really ought to see the state of his shenanigans now. Oh well. So, you want to know the opposition spell?” Discord asks. Jan nods. “Very well, but I don’t think a villain version of you would do the trick.” To this, Jan smiles.

“Oh, neither do I, but I have a better idea…”


I throw junk left and right as I ransack a storage room in absolute panic. “Fuck fuck fuck-“ Clash, to his credit, is searching diligently ahead of me, checking a whole other area of the storage room. Celestia walks in, yawning. 

“Sweetie, what’s wrong-“

“THE VOODOO BOOK’S GONE!!!” I yell in terror. Celestia takes a moment to process for a bit before it dawns on her what I said.

“… You don’t think Jan-“ Celestia starts, but at the mention of Jan, I realize it has to be him.

“I bet that stupid motherfucker rubs his filthy hands all over it, that idiot will release hell itself,” I mutter as I start running out.

“Sir!? What are your-“ I shoot him a glare and he shuts up. “Stay inside, got it,” he whimpers.

I run outside and see a giant television in the air, with Jan’s smug robot face plastered on it. “You look uglier everyday you fucking nimrod!” I yell.

“Oh, so hostile today! Why is that Mr Nefarious-“

“Shut up and fight me you bitchass!” I yell. Jan snickers.

“Today, I’ve got a special guest! You’ll love him!” He says.

“When I’m done with you, the lamo better still be in one piece as well because I swear to god I’ll-“ before I can continue my threat, a burst of golden magic yanks me back as an axe lands, blade first, into the ground where I stood. With thunderous crack, a heavily armored figure lands before me, clad in gold. I feel myself grow colder as I look at the opposing enemy as he stands up. 

“A-Anon?” Celestia asks, though not to me. A spitting image of myself stands before me, the air growing colder as he glares down at me. 

“Princess, I must ask that you stay out of the way,” he says, with a tinge of sorrow in his voice.

“What the fuck?” I ask.

“You see, villain. I knew Discord wouldn’t help me, and I can’t stand up to you. So, here’s someone you’re up to snuff with! Yourself!” Jan says, beaming.

“Celestia, get back to Canterlot,” I say. 

“But Anon-“ 

“Now!” I yell, turning to her, however, my doppelgänger grabs me by the scruff of my coat and throws me away from my castle. I force push myself to land on my feet, and throw bolts of electricity his way. However, the electricity bounces off. “Oh fuck off with that shit,” I say. Quickly, the hero throws his huge axe at me, which I dodge, only to suddenly find my feet frozen in place. “What is it with gold armor fucks and wielding axes?” I ask myself as I try to break out. As I try to lift a foot with force, I hear a whoosh and feel a searing pain on my arm. I look over and see a splatter of blood on the ground. 

“Woah. Buddy, calm down! I want him alive!” Jan says, watching the battle.

“He is a villain. I’ve dealt with villains my entire life,” my opposite says, before looking up coldly. “I deal with them permanently. A dead villain can’t hurt anyone.” I finally break free from the ice, and force push myself away from the fight. This is already taking up some energy as I crash through a house. I groan as I roll over and get up quickly before sliding over a table, knocking over silverware. Getting back to my feet, I run through the cramped house, dodging a pony as I swerve to avoid furniture and knickknacks. I kick open the front door of the house, and start running. I have no idea where that crazy executioner is, but I need to get away from him. Suddenly, chains wrap around my leg and trip me onto the ground. I look back to see the Hero, his gaze locked onto me, walking towards me as he winds up his axe. His left hand has chains coming out of it.

“Shit- shit-“ I say before trying to electrify the chains. He recoils in pain, disconnecting his hand from the chain, allowing me to set myself free. He quickly looks back up to me and throws the axe. I throw up a shield spell, only for the axe to merely slow down enough to allow me to roll over and dodge it. 

“I need him alive!” Jan yells. “You’re a hero, act like one!”

“A hero lets the villain get away, only to terrorize another day. I’m the perfect hero, the villain dies and the world is truly safe.” 

“Th-that’s not what a hero-“ Jan is cut off by Hero recalling his axe, only to throw it at the television and breaks it. Recalling his axe, the Hero turns back to me, only to receive an electric-punch to the face. He backs up before kneeling down, his armor trying to stop the electricity. 

“Direct contact bitch,” I say, before pulling back my fist and charging again. I need to be quick now. There’s no telling what the fuck a hero version of me could do. I start wailing on him, punch after punch after punch. However, each punch has a weaker charge, and Hero is recovering faster and faster. He grabs my incoming fist and grimaces.

“My turn,” he says simply before punching me. I’m sent flying, dazed and confused as I soar through the air before crashing through something. I stare at the ceiling and slowly come to realize I crashed through a window. The crystalline ceiling suddenly looks familiar and I slowly get up.

“Anon? What’re you-“ I hear Twilight say before gasping. “Oh my Celestia- you’re bleeding!”

“No shit?” I smartass, out of breath. I start stumbling away from the window, only for a force to knock me forward. I start to look back, only for an armored boot to step on my back and hold me in place.

“Wha- another Anon!?”

“Do not associate me with this filth Princess. I am a true hero,” I hear him say.

“Bullshit,” I spit before he presses harder onto me.

“C-careful he’s-“

“He’s a villain, why do I need to say this so many times!?” Hero yells, pressing even harder into me. Finally, he steps off, allowing me to breathe before I’m picked up by my tattered coat. I twist around and pull out my gun and shoot his forehead, causing him to yell in pain before dropping me to cover his forehead. I land with a thud and force push myself into the air and rear back a fist, quickly charging it before slamming my fist across his jaw. He stumbles back and I try one more trick. Using the last of my energy, I create a shield spell around his head, and his eyes widen. Struggling to breathe, he quickly throws his axe at me again. I dodge, keeping my focus, only to fail to notice his other hand reaching for my neck. Breaking my concentration, he pick picks me up and has me thrown into a wall, shooting pain through my back as I yell out. 

“Fuck!” I scream. “Mother fucker-“ I force myself to flop over, just in time to dodge the axe thrown at me. This time, I glance at it and my eyes widen suddenly. “W-wait-“ the axe is taken away, but a newfound anger courses through me as I slowly get up.

“No,” Hero says, before raising a hand. With a newfound strength, I grit my teeth and glare at him, and the golden axe he’s carrying.

“That axe isn’t yours you mother fucker,” I spit. For a moment, I could see his lips curl into a smile before fading just as quickly. 

“Good eye. Now die,” he says. Before he could shoot his magic, Twilight blasts his hand, making him miss. Icicles fly past my head and embed themselves into a wall. “You stupid-“ he’s suddenly held in place by Twilight as she glares at him.

“What did he mean about the axe!?” She yells. Hero keeps a stoic face as he looks down at her. 

“Why, it’s Princess Celestia’s, before she fell from grace,” he says simply. “I had to purify the world once she fell into frenzy.” Twilight stares up in horror as I start trying to leave. 

“Y-you didn’t-“ Twilight starts asking. However, Hero shakes his head.

“I didn’t want to, at first. However, that changed when you convinced me Princess,” he says. Before I left the room, I hear his final words that shake Twilight to her core. “No matter what we tried, we couldn’t beat her. You convinced me we had to go farther.”

I run, or rather, stumble, into my castle, as Clash rushes to me. “Sir!? What’s wrong sir!?” He asks. 

“Get me my medical potions, and bring me Opposer platoon alpha,” I say, grunting as I sit on my stone throne. “Fuck- put all guards in high alert and ask them to defend against a doppelgänger. He’ll look like me but with big ugly ass armor on.” 

“Y-yes sir!” He says. He scampers off as Frank rushes up. 

“Boss?” He asks. I cough into my hand, pulling it back to see blood. 

“I’ll brief you in a little bit. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll need you for defense. What the hell am I going to tell Celestia?…”


Hero looks at Twilight with pity. “I’m sorry, but I need to get rid of this filth,” he says, dropping an unconscious Twilight. He turns to leave the castle, determined to finish his quest. This is not his world, but villains ruined his old one. He refuses to see it be done again by his own hands.
> Day 5: warning: Heroes May Fall
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stare at the monitor. Twilight can’t stop him for more than a few minutes. For clarification, I decided to call him Hero. I’m shooting to try and ramp up my antics, since this guy seems like a polar opposite of me. If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that absurdity is a logical person’s weakness. Especially when the absurdity works. Clash stares at my monitor as well, clearing his throat to announce his presence. “Sir, the um, the tank squadron is-“

“Good. Tell them to come up on my mark,” I say.

“But sir, it would take a while for them to use the lift-“

“I didn’t say they were taking the fucking lift, I said they are coming up,” I correct sharply. “Don’t worry, I had the eggheads add… modifications…”


As Hero walks into the main room of the castle, the doors slam behind him. He feels a rumbling sound beneath him. He looks at the ground with a cold stare before jumping forward. A blast erupts from where he was, as two tanks fly through and land side by side. Hero glares at the mechanical beasts as the tanks rumble idly. “Alright Wreck, let’s show this imposter why no one messes with us!” A gruff voice calls out in one tank. A series of hollers erupts from the same tank.

“Wrecker agrees with Rocker. Wrecker says termination will be swift,” the other tank’s commander says. Hero grimaces and takes out his golden axe. Something’s not right with these tanks…

Suddenly- the tank to Hero’s right, Rocker, flies up, its treads springing the tank into the air! Hero, adapting quickly, charges forward to deal with the other tank, Wrecker, thinking that Rocker is anticipating his attack. To his surprise, Wrecker’s tank lifts up, and its treads swing out and smash Hero from both sides. “What the hell!?-“ Hero breaks free from its grip before swinging the axe down onto a tread. Rocker’s tank launches forward, ramming Hero. Wrecker’s tank launches into the air as Rocker lands, aiming its main gun at Hero, and shooting before he can react. The shot impacts Hero, sending him through the floor into a holding area that’s mostly empty. Hero lands with a crash, creating a crater into the ground. He gets up, grunting.

“I see… He mixed magic with mechanics. An anti-gravity spell, and a relative magnetism spell. What’s the fuck is causing them to move so fast though? The anti-gravity spell wouldn’t make them this fast. Let alone launch forward like that-“ Hero’s eyes widen before leaping out of the crater in time to dodge Rocker’s tank from crashing into him from above. As Hero swirls around to look at the metal menace, Wrecker lands next to his brother. Rocker’s tank tilts onto a front corner, and quickly spins to face Hero, with the body turned away while the barrel looks at him. Rocker laughs obnoxiously.

“Special training Goldy-Boy, the boss had us watch some anime, gave us a few ideas to try,” he says.

“Hm. So, fast reflexes then?” Hero notes. 

“A rocket propulsion device also helps,” Wrecker adds. Hero, wordlessly, raises a hand. Rocker fires at Hero, who sidesteps the shot and charges forward to Rocker. Wrecker launches forward, before his treads launch him backwards in a flip. Rocker panics and launches away from Hero, causing him to roll until the tank landed on the end of its barrel, balancing on the main gun. Hero had charged forward, with the large golden axe in one hand. Without using both hands, using the axe was slow and awkward, thus it only slams into the ground where Rocker was. Wrecker, now in the air and aligning his shot with Hero, fires. Hero’s armor takes most of the impact, but it still forces him forward. Rocker’s tank quickly rotates, using its main gun to swing around and use the momentum to slam down on Hero. Rocker springs into the air as Wrecker lands in his spot, smashing Hero one more. Wrecker quickly rolls back in time for Rocker to aim his gun down, and blast into Hero once more, before righting himself and landing on Hero one final time.

“Hahah! Take that you bastard!” Rocker yells.

“Wasn’t that overkill?” Wrecker asks calmly.

“Nah, I’m sure it’s just what the doctor ordered,” Rocker replies coolly. “Besides, if he’s anything like the boss, he needs to go down no matter-“ 

Suddenly, the tank commander stops as a wave of cold envelopes the tank. Panicking, he starts to move, but gets lifted into the air as a spike of ice rises up, puncturing through the tank. Wrecker wastes no time getting back into action, and trains his sight on the lone human rolling his shoulders. “Pitiful,” he says. Wrecker launches forward, opening fire and blasting a round forwards Hero. Hero takes his axe, and swings horizontally, slicing the tank shell in half, sending them to different directions. Keeping the momentum up, he swings the axe around and throws it with a spin towards the approaching tank. Wrecker’s eyes widen and he ducks just in time for the axe to slice open the top half of his tank, taking out the main gun. Wrecker pops up and glares forward at Hero.

“One manned tanks? Looks like your boss is smarter than I thought,” Hero muses as Wrecker rushes at him with ramming speed. Hero simply jumps over the tank, about to freeze it as well. However, Wrecker smirks and launches upward, just under Hero. The tank proceeds to spin as it flips, going faster and faster. Hero launches out a magical ice attack, hoping to freeze Wrecker. One of Wrecker’s treads whips out, just as he freezes, and slams into Hero, sending him slamming into a wall with a ton of force. Hero falls to the ground with a thud, at the same time as Wrecker’s frozen tank. Grunting, Hero gets up, with noticeably dented armor. He grimaces before heading to the frozen tank. Although it’s on its side, the tank’s occupant can be seen frozen, with a smirk. He got the last hit. Hero scowls at the dog before spitting on the tank.

“W-Wrecker!? Is he done for!?” Rocker asks from his tank. Hero looks up to see the other dog is still in the air with his tank. It seems the cold had frozen the circuitry. “C-come on! Respond Wrecker!… Big Bro?” Hero sees a head poke out from atop the tank, only for the dog’s eyes to go wide. “N-no… No no no-“

“He’s alive, dirty mutt,” Hero says. 

“Oh… okay, okay then… shoo,” Rocker says, relaxing as Hero walks up.

“Do you intend to keep fighting?” He asks coldly. 

“Hell no. Without my tank, and Wrecker, I’m useless,” Rocker says. Hero’s eyes widen in recognition of the phrase. He heard that phrase before, in another world.

“Without my Princess, and my friends… I’m useless,” the words echoed in Hero’s ears. He shakes his head. That’s a different time. That’s not the present. That’s not how it is now. 

“Stay out of my way,” Hero says.

“Don’t hurt our boss, please. He’s not a bad guy!” Rocker calls out, before Hero jumps up to the main floor…


I look on with worry as Hero jumps onto the main floor. “Damn, that didn’t take him long. However, if his armor is anything to go by, he’s a lot weaker now. I don’t think he’s weak enough to take on though.” Clash nods.

“I’ll send for-“

“No, you won’t. You’re not calling anyone,” I say, before turning to the monitor again. This guy’s cold blooded, and I don’t even know if the alpha squad’s still alive. At this rate, he could very well kill a lot of my dogs. He won’t stop until… until… “… Fuck it, I can’t risk the dogs’ lives like this. Call for an evacuation. Code Purple.” With that, I start to head to my throne room to await for Hero’s final confrontation. However, a voice stops me.

“Hello, My Lord…”


Hero continues stalking the halls, noticing the lack of enemy guard dogs in the area. Perhaps this is a ploy for an ambush. Regardless, he keeps his guard up, and his axe at the ready. As he strides down a big, long hall, a cough stops him. He spins around to see two, golden armored dogs. One looks older, and kind of like a bulldog. The other is more slender, and… dumb looking since he’s cross eyed. “More guards?” Hero asks. 

“No,” the older one says. “I’m here to talk.”

“What about him?” Hero asks, gesturing towards the other one. 

“This one’s Frank, he’s-“

“I have a the cancer!” Frank proclaims. The grey bulldog rolls his eyes.

“Close enough. I’m Bones. I’m here to talk,” he says.

“Foolish,” Hero says, before slamming his axe down and sending a wave of ice forwards the dogs. Bones quickly jumps in time to jump over the wave while Frank… “Wait, where the hell-“

“WELCOME TO THE RICE FIELDS MOTHER FUCKER-“ Frank yells, suddenly behind Hero and smacking the back of his head with a shovel. 

“Frank! I did not travel miles and miles of train tracks just for you to-“

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“ Frank yells as Hero gets up. Hero swirls around and grabs Frank by the throat. With a quick movement, Frank’s thrown through a door, out a window, and out of the castle, 

“God damn this cursed place!” Hero yells. He turns to Bones with a glare as Bones looks at him calmly. “You better not get in my way, because now I’m-“

“Let’s walk. My lord’s throne room is this way,” Bones says. He starts walking past Hero as Hero looks on in confusion.

“What trickery is this?” He asks.

“No tricks. He simply feels like this is going too far already,” Bones replies. “You can check the other rooms, but I assure you, we’ll simply be right back at the throneroom anyway.” Hero stares at him for a moment before silently walking along side Bones. “… So, why this hatred for villains?” Bones asks.

“Villains take away people you love. That’s all they’ll ever do,” Hero says.

“… Okay, and the real reason?” Bones asks. Hero gives him the side eye, but sighs.

“Princess Celestia was… corrupted. An incident happened while Starlight Glimmer was trying to solve a friendship problem. Things got heated, and things escalated. Quickly. Long story short, Equestria had a small civil war, and Twilight was stuck in the middle. Celestia had eventually submitted to corruption, and Luna followed suit. “

“Twilight blamed Starlight, but Twilight’s friends disagreed with her. Then, a civil war erupted between the Elements of Harmony. I was helpless and I couldn’t help anyone, until one day Twilight’s friends left. All she had was me. I found a book in her library one day, trying to find something that could help me help her. “

“Then, I found the ancient book of humanity magic. I realized I could do things Twilight and no other pony could. When I told Twilight, she told me she blamed the villains of her world. She realized that Starlight could never know friendship, not when she was a villain to start with.”

“The next thing I know, I’m alone. Twilight had to… stop herself. Equestria was reduced to three tribes, and the elements reformed into three crystals. I should have stopped the villainy much, much earlier than I did.” Hero stops to clench his fists. “Maybe… Maybe Twilight would-“

“Anon,” Bones says, snapping Hero back to reality. “I… I know you’re not the Anon I know. However, the Anon I know would never have gone this far. He has come close to it, yes, but he never followed through with a lot of his threats. Dare I say, My Lord’s no real villain in all honesty. He was bitter and too smart for his own good, but he’d stop. The biggest difference between him and many of the evil villains I’ve seen over the years, is he normally knows when to stop.”

“… “ Hero stares at Bones for a minute before shaking his head. “I can’t take that chance. I’ve never seen anyone stop before it goes too far, and I doubt your Anon will do so.” With that, Hero walks forward, and pushes open the doors to the throne room.


I look up from my crouched position to see Hero walk into the throne room. He pauses as he sees my position. “… What the hell are you-“

“It’s a running gag that this table breaks, so I’m trying to move it before that happens,” I answer as I strain to push it.

“Erm, my lord, why didn’t-“

“I DIDN’T THINK ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND OKAY, NOW GIVE ME A SECOND!!!” I yell. Bones shrugs and leaves, his job done. However, to my disappointment, the table cracks and falls in half thanks to a giant golden axe. “God fucking damn it,” I mutter, giving up.

“Enough with these stupid antics. Die,” Hero says. With a surge, he jumps forward, only to phase through me. He lands and spins around. “What the-“

“God fucking damn it,” I repeat. “God fucking- God fucking- God- God-“ Suddenly, my form vanishes, and a blue square with white text appears. I look on from my cockpit, cursing myself.

“Fucking had to roll with whatever the pony equivalent of Windows 10 is huh you stupid fuck,” I ramble as I grab the joysticks to my mech. With a spark of electricity, I jumpstart my mech suit and jump up, using its rocket feet to propel myself into breaking through the throne room floor, the ceiling, and burst through the roof of the castle. On the way there, Hero is plastered on my windshield, which gave me ample opportunity to smile and wave. “Sup bitch!?” I call. I land on the castle roof, grabbing Hero and throwing him onto the ground before stomping him and jumping back. “Frankly, I’d say we both know we’re past the point of talking right now. So, let’s skip that part, yeah?” Hero gets up, groaning and glaring up at me.

I stand about twenty five feet tall, compared to the rather small six foot tall Hero. For a bit of intimidation, I punch my fists together, sending metal sparks showering down. “Lemme show you what this baby can do!” I yell, pressing a button. Missile launchers pop up from the mech’s shoulders and launch several missiles towards Hero. Hero breathes out and jumps up, avoiding the missiles with ease. Damn, he’s using his ice magic to hide himself from the missiles. Guess I’ll just have to warm him up. I quickly rush forward while he’s airborne, and throw a punch boosted by rocket propulsion. Hero summons his axe, but he’s too slow to use it as my fist slams into his body and sends him into a tower. From the corner of my eye, I can see a crowd has gathered around my castle. I focus back to the fight and rush after Hero. However, Hero’s axe flies towards me. Quickly, I lean myself to the side just in time to dodge Hero’s axe from splitting my head. 

Before I could recover, a wave of ice coats the floor, causing me to slip while I was distracted by the axe. My mech falls on its back, making me wince and try to start moving again. The axe removes itself from my mech, but because it was in deep, it pulled my mech up enough to flip me and fall on my face. I’m starting to think I should have practiced with this mech a little more. I get up quickly in time to upper cut an incoming Hero, sending him flying up. I can see his armor is cracked and breaking apart now. Just a little more. He corrects himself in the air, stopping his momentum with some magic before he darts back to me, readying his axe. Quickly, I press a button, which makes my mech’s right arm change form. Jutting out the arm, it reveals itself to be a cannon. For a split second, I can see Hero’s face screw up, clearly pissed. 

I fire the cannon, which launches him back into the air. I press another button with my left hand, which fires magic missiles. A swarm of magically enchanted basic rockets launch out from my mech’s back, curving around to go straight for Hero. I laugh maniacally as I proceeded to go overkill. No wonder super villains love giant mechs so much! My mech jumps into the air, practically flying towards Hero. I bring out both my arms and fire a barrage of cannonballs, laughing more and more.

“Erm, boss are you-“ a new voice cuts in, causing me to scream in panic.

“What the fuck Clash!? I’m in the middle of an anime battle sequence! Fuck off until I’m done, will ya!?” I yell.

“Sorry it’s just, you sound like you’re having too much fun… literally, given the uh, hint of crazy I’m hearing,” Clash says. 

Hero again corrects himself in the air, taking his axe and quickly slashing all around him, in true over the top anime fashion, taking out all the missiles. “That’s bullshit,” I mutter. Hero proceeds to grasp his axe with both hands and form a shield with his magic, which takes the brunt of cannonballs. However, his shield doesn’t last forever, as a single cannonball breaks through, and keeps its momentum as it hits Hero. 

I smirk as I start to fall back to the ground. “We’re not done yet mother fucker!” I yell, pressing another button and launching a man-sized grappling claw. It veers towards Hero, grabbing him, and yanking him back down with me. As we fall, Hero glares at my cockpit, before the claw freezes over. He bursts from the claw, grabbing the rope it was attached to, and yanks himself towards me. “Oh fuck-“ is all I can manage before he’s grabbing onto the cockpit and straining. Thinking quickly, I attempt to punch him off my face, only for him to take out his axe. In one swift motion, he swings it around, knocking the fist out of its trajectory, and keeps the axe’s momentum going for it to smash the cockpit open. 

I scream in surprise as he grabs me from my seat and throws me out. I quickly sound around to see the ground quickly approaching us, and Hero’s jumping after me with his axe ready. I force push myself away from Hero, which only serves to slow my fall. Hero swings his axe, only for it to narrowly miss me. With a crash, we both land on the ground, next to my fallen mech suit. 

I attempt to regain my senses as I crack open my eyes. I seem to be on my back. I groan in pain as I slowly start to realize I hear a crowd around us. I roll over, and sit up a little to see that we’ve landed next to the castle, where a crowd of ponies are watching. They suddenly start chattering when I look up at them, hurting my ears. I look back, to see Hero’s armor lying on… Where the fuck is he? His armor’s there, shattered and shit. Where the fuck-

Suddenly, I feel a blow to my side, and the crowd silences. I open my eyes again to see Hero standing there, bloody and bruised. He wears a tattered medieval getup. I think it was called a gambeson or something, along with some tattered pants. “You worthless piece of shit,” he says. He kicks me again, sending me back a few feet as I groan in pain. “Your toys, magic, and ‘friends’ can’t save you now.” He walks over and kicks me again, making fly into the side of my mech’s arm. Hero walks up to me, and kicks me again. The ponies watching on gasp in shock for every kick he gives me. “It’s people like you who destroy the world. It’s people like you who take the ‘games’ you play too far. You don’t care about anyone! You are nothing more than a fucking brat!” Hero yells, kicking harder and harder. Blood comes out of my mouth with every kick. “IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO KILLED MY WORLD!!!” Hero screams, before raising his axe. I look up in bleary fear, as my life flashes before my eyes.

What do I do? I can’t run. I can’t charge up an electric shock to stop him long enough to run. I can’t fight thanks to the brutal kicking. I stare on as if life was in slow motion. The axe starts to move, and I can barely hear the screams of horrified ponies. Is this it? Death by some stupid contest some random pretentious fucking prick set up? Then again, this is another version of me, we’re talking about. A version that’s the opposite of me in some aspects, but still me. You know what? I think I can accept the fact that the only person who could stop me is literally just a slightly different version of me. I close my eyes, as I accept my fate. Fuck it, I had a good run.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” A voice yells, getting louder and louder until a figure jumps in, rams into Hero’s side, and knocks him down. I open my eyes and look up to see-

“Frank! You stupid fuck- get out of here, you’ll die!” I yell, mad. Frank, clad in armor and a spear, shakes his head.

“Ey boss!” He exclaims happily. I start to shake as I grit my teeth.

“Damn it! Stupid mutt! He’s too strong! He’ll kill you! Fucking move!” I yell. Hero gets up, gritting his teeth in fury. Frank readies himself.

“Stupid mutt indeed,” he mutters, before swinging his axe and striking at Frank. Frank jumps and spins in the air, before throwing his spear at Hero in full force. Hero narrowly side steps the spear, glancing back and noticing how unusually strong the spear throw was for a Diamond dog. As he turns back around, Frank is already at his face, throwing a punch that sends him back into the ground. Hero coughs in pain as Franks grabs a leg. As Frank lifts up Hero, Frank also starts to spin, before launching Hero into the side of the mech, making a Hero-shaped hole from the amount of force put in. Frank pants for a moment, not used to the exertion as I unsteadily get up. 

“Frank, please-“ I start to say before Hero emerges from the hole at high speeds, punching Frank across the face and sending him flying. Hero raise his hands, and icicles form above Frank before rushing towards him from above, sending him into the ground. I start hurrying myself up, trying to reach Frank. Dammit, this was between me and Hero at this point! Frank doesn’t need to die! I feel tears start to spill from my eyes as I see Hero walk up to Frank’s battered body. I feel electricity course through me as I feel myself panic.

“I hope you felt it was worth it,” Hero says, raising his axe. Before he could swing, I ram into Hero’s side, and before I could deliver as much electricity into his system as I could, I feel myself instantly become numb. My mind dully registers the fact that Hero almost froze me, as I still crash into him. Knocking Hero down, he groans in pain before pushing my nearly frozen, but still thinking and chattering, body off of him. “So, he came for you, huh?” Hero asks, slowly getting up. 

“D-don’t…” Frank groans out. “P-please… boss…” 

“Most villains don’t care enough for their minions… You were real lucky,” Hero says, raising his axe above me. “Too bad he doesn’t have your luck.”

“W-wait,” I chatter. “I c-can’… do a-anything, p-please hear me o-out.” Hero stares at me for a moment before looking at Frank. Frank wheezes, still trying to get up. 

“… Since you seem like a slightly better person than I thought, I’ll give you two minutes,” Hero says, lowering his axe to his side,

“Y-your world… I-is it… S-s-safe?” I barely manage to ask.

“Yes. It’s safe. I have dealt with anyone who could harm the citizens of Equestria, and my friends,” he says.

“Do… T-they fear y-you?” I ask. 

“Of course. It discourages villainy, and when the right people die, no one has to die again,” Hero replies coldly. 

“So… W-why, h-haven’t you w-won?” I ask.

“I have won, you’re at my mercy. I’m still standing, and no one can stop me,” Hero says. 

“No… I mean… in your w-world,” I correct, slowly losing my chatter. Hero’s frown deepens and he furrows his brow.

“I have won, I’ve done what I had to do. I did what needed to be done!” He says, getting louder.

“No… you didn’t win at all you… fucking moron,” I grunt. 

“Oh yeah!? What’s a win for you then!?” He yells. “You don’t seem to be ruling the world, so you’ve clearly failed!”

“I don’t… want to rule the world…” I say, stopping to warm myself up some more. “I just wanted to be happy. That’s all. Granted, I don’t… necessarily care about anyone else’s… mood. I win when I… feel h-happy.”

“Happy!? Do you think being happy matters when everyone’s dying on you!? When everyone you’ve known and loved are gone before-“

“Hero, look at me,” I say. He stops and grits his teeth to look at me. In his eyes, I can see anger, resentment, fear… “… You haven’t won in a long time, have you?” I ask. Hero glares at me for a moment before yelling out in frustration and raising his axe. With a crash, the axe embeds itself into the ground next to Hero as he falls to his knees and weakly punches me. 

“Fuck you! Fuck you!” He yells as he breaks down next to me. He repeats this phrase until finally, he’s nothing but a sobbing pile. “There’s nothing! Nothing!” He yells. “I have nothing left! Are you happy you son of a bitch!? I have nothing left! They took everything! Fucking everything!” As he yells, all I can do is weakly pat his leg in an awkward attempt to comfort him. He cries harder, as the crowd of ponies around us finally have some bravery to come and help us.


Hero and I sit on some chairs in the throne room, surrounding my broken table. Hero and I are badly cut up, buried, and aching. We each have a red cup we take sips from. Apparently Hero is more of a store brand soda kind of guy. In any case, we sit in silence, waiting for a certain someone to arrive. Jan. Jan’s catching hell for all this shit, one way or another.

I sigh as I rub my face. This was supposed to be fun, not this complicated… whatever… Suddenly, a thought occurs to me. Where the fuck is the lamp? I resist the urge to scream ‘fuck’ and settle for groaning in mental pain. “Something up?” Hero asks. 

“I… I forgot whether or not I recovered a fucking lamp,” I say. Hero stares at me for a moment before cracking a small smile, chuckling.

“A… heh, a lamp?” He asks. I smile a little and nod.

“Yeah, a lava lamp,” I say, laughing. “It was a gift for Celestia. I… I forgot our anniversary was this week, and… Heh, I stole this lamp from Canterlot,” I go on, laughing as I talk. Hero breaks into a small fit of laughter, growing louder and louder as we both take in the ridiculousness of this situation we’re in. We keep laughing for a few more moments before dying down long enough to regain the silence. However, this was a comfortable silence. 

The silence is finally broken when Jan walks in, looking sad. “Fucking decided to appear in person this time you fucking-“ Jan holds up a metal disk, and a hologram of a fellow Jan-like alien appears. “Who the fuck is this?” I ask.

“Hello, my name is Spam. I wish to deeply apologize for my subordinate’s inappropriate behavior this past terrestrial week,” she says. I stare at her for a moment before she continues. “To show our regret and hopefully get out of your hair, Jan here is to return all items and properties and people he kidnapped-“

“I was-“

“SHUT UP!!!” Spam screams. “You’re lucky I don’t leave you on that blasted mud ball you little brat!” She yells. She clears her throat. “Sorry. As I was saying, if there are any damages we could potentially help smooth out, we’d be happy too. Or, you could punish Jan in a manner to satisfy and ‘eye for an eye’ need if you people have that sort of thing.” As Jan looks at her in horror, I smile.

“I can send Hero back once I get my book. There’s a lamp I think he still has… As for punishment, what kind of tax laws do you have?” I ask wickedly. 

As we all stand outside, Jan looks at the book of tax laws I’ve written down with horror. “I… I can’t… Why do they all rhyme!?” He yells. 

“It just works,” I reply. Jan grits his teeth before looking up at me.

“You’ll rue this day Anon! I swear I’ll-“

“Cope.”

“SHUT UP!!!” He screams before he’s teleported out. Jan’s ship is already gone, so there’s no fanfare or super cool moment to cap off the fact that Jan is out of my life forever… Now for Hero. I turn to him and take out my voodoo book. 

“Okay Hero, I’m making a portal to your new home,” I say, before muttering the incantation. A portal opens up, and Hero looks on. 

“… I… I don’t know what I’ll do now,” he says. “There’s nothing…”

“Restart, live again,” I answer simply.

“Villain, I told you, there’s no one-“

“No,” I interrupt, before pointing at the portal. “Look.” Hero looks at it hesitantly, before sticking his head in. He just back in surprise, blinking. 

“I-it’s-“

“A second chance,” I say. He looks at me, with tears in his eyes. “Don’t make that face. You need this. You’ve got a whole life ahead of you man. Live it. Try again. Make sure things go alright. There’s a voodoo book in that world too, probably. I can’t guarantee you’ll get a chance like this again. Consider it a gift.” With that, I turn to walk away.

“W-wait,” Hero says. I stop. “… Thank you. This time, I’m winning.” I simply pull down my cap and continue walking, hearing Hero walk through his portal before it closes. I smile to myself, a little happy. Now, for Celestia…

Celestia and I look at the lava lamp sun thingy I knabbed some time ago, watching it do it’s thing like all lava lamps do. “… It’s kinda tacky,” Celestia muses. 

“Spent half a week trying to get it,” I mutter.

“Don’t worry Anon, I like it. It’s undeniably a ‘you’ gift,” Celestia giggles, muzzling into my hair. I smile, staring at the lamp.

“Good. Happy anniversary,” I say. With that, I look towards Clash, who’s idly shuffling cards. “Hey, bring out the TV, I’d say it’d be a good movie night.” Clash looks up and nods before putting up his cards and walking off. However, before I could do anything else, a flash blinds me, and I clear my vision to see Twilight standing before me. I look around to see I’m still in the throne room. 

“Anon, I want to say something,” Twilight says, looking serious.

“Look Twilight, can we fight about it later, I-“

“I’m sorry.” Those two words take me by surprise. 

“Excuse me?” I ask, leaning towards her.

“I said, I’m sorry,” Twilight repeats. “I… I almost took it too far… and seeing the other you… I realized that I was pushing more than my friends away… I’ve been taking this rivalry too seriously. So, I’m ending it, I don’t want to fight anymore. Okay?”

“… Alright, sure,” I say. I shrug. “I uh… never thought you’d say you were wrong about anything. Probably the biggest win of my life…” twilight sighs. 

“Okay. Well, since that’s over with, I’m going to bed. Have good night Princess Celestia, Anon.” With that, she vanishes. 

Celestia, most of the guard dogs, and I, watch movies as the night ends. I watch some alien movies, Celestia makes us watch crappy romcoms that I’ll never admit I like, and the dogs get to watch some the alien films they starred in. This was a pretty shitty week, but hey, it all worked out in the end. I’ve got my anniversary gift, I fought some bitches, and finally, I’m right back to where I started. I idly pat Frank’s head when he walks up. You know what? I’m happy. I think this win will be a big one for a while…