It was a busy, hectic day in the busy, hectic hustle n’ bustle of busy, hectic Canterlot, capital of Equestria. Unlike all those other busy, hectic days that wish they could be as busy and hectic as this day, however, today was the busiest, most hectic day of the year, because it was Princess Celestia’s birthday!
Thus, a birthday for a princess, especially one that raises the sun to usher in a new day each day, called for professionals. Professionals with a similar, yet unique, background. A background that forged an immovable friendship out of six mares that otherwise would never have known each other. With that in mind, even the strongest of bonds succumb to tasks as busy and hectic as this one. Like the one between a certain purple unicorn, and- "Rainbow Dash!" Twilight yelled.
Twilight was fixating on one thing right now. Banners. “The banners should be displayed across the top of the walls, not over the corners!” she advised.
The cyan pegasus indignantly replied, “Twilight, I’m mixing it up. Adding a little Rainbow Splash, you know?” While the exchange took place, Rainbow Dash was punishing the wall in front of her by impaling it with nails and a hammer, all while outfitting it with a triangular banner.
“More like a Rainbow Smash.” Twilight noted. “The edge of the banner is coated with nails. Maybe you should take a break.”
“Nu-uh!" the rainbow-trailer began to argue. "I said I was gonna put up the banners, and I’m gonna do it!”
“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight started to plea, but Rainbow Dashs' stubborn glare deterred her. Twilight sighed. "Can I at least get someone to help."
Rainbow Dash sighed herself. "Fine."
Twilight, happy to have gotten Rainbow Dash some help(and get those banners up the correct way). Twilight galloped into the kitchen and not long after came back out with the farm mare Applejack. Twilight explained the situation to Applejack, and pointed her to the banners. “Rainbow, what’n the hay did that wall do to make you so darn’d mad at it?” was AJs' response.
“Well, it won’t hold onto the banner, for one!” Rainbow exclaimed, not amused by the orange mare questioning her style.
“Huh, if Ah didn’t know any better, Ah’d say you were tryin’ to decorate the wall, but all them nails in that one flag tipped me off.”
"I'm adding a little Rainbow Splash!" Rainbow Dash argued.
"More like a Rainbow Thrash!" AJ exclaimed bluntly.
“…I’m gonna take a rest, Twi.” But before she left, Rainbow Dash flew over to Applejack and challenged her.
“Let’s see you decorate the walls, Applejack!” and with that, Rainbow Dash was on break.
Twilight watched as Rainbow dashed off to nap in the courtyard, and preceded to scold Applejack. “Applejack! Why were you so rude to her? You could have told her more nicely!” Applejack was about respond, saying they always pal around like that, but the neurotic unicorn Rarity trotted in, muttering under her breath to herself. The most intelligible mutterings from Rarity were “Oh dear, must be perfect, must be punctual, must organize. Must complete the task at hoof. No gargantuan feat, just Princess Celestias’ birthday, that’s all!”
“Rarity!” Twilight yelled at the unnerved unicorn. Raritys’ deep blue eyes widened, and her long eyelashes shot up, at Twilights’ shout.
“AAAAGGHH,” Rarity added. “Oh, yes, Twilight?” she asked, rather embarrassed.
“Rarity, don’t stress yourself out.” Twilight reassured her. “Your gowns are astounding, and the adornments are, well, fabulous!”
“Yeah, but a certain pegasus went n’ lost it on those banners up there,” AJ informed Rarity with a hoof pointing upward. “You know, maybe you should work on the banners if you think they’re so horrible!” Twilight shot at Applejack, all the while tacitly agreeing about the banners. Rarity agreed twice as much, and four times as tacitly.
“Gladly! Where’s the ladder?” AJ proudly accepted the challenge.
“Okay then," Twilight cooled down, "it’s…umm…” The ladder was right in the corner, Twilight noted. Great, as if she needed anymore problems!
“Somethin’ missin’ huh?” Applejack had a hunch about the ladder.
Sure enough, Applejack found the ladder in the kitchen, in a boiling pot, being held hostage by her co-chef, Pinkie Pie. She was shaking salt, pepper, and hot sauce into the pot. Twilight and Rarity were right behind Applejack as they got to see this. Twilight decided to directly ask her the question. “Why are you cooking a ladder, Pinkie?”
“To give our cake some spice.” Pinkie Pie replied matter-of-factly. Thus was the word of Pinkie Pie, who worked in mysterious ways.
“Hmm, I see.” Rarity replied business-like, organizing her own complaint in her head. “Pinkie?” Rarity had a complaint of her own.
“Yeah, Rarity?” Pinkie couldn't sense the complaint.
“For future reference, could you perhaps not schedule important preparations on the day they’re called for?” Raritys’ voice went stern as she mentioned this to the official party pony that was organizing the party with Twilight Sparkle. The preparation was cutting it rather close.
“Well, I guess I am cutting it rather close,” repeated Pinkie as she beat the ladder broth, which was orange for some reason.
Just then, Rainbow Dash returned to the kitchen. “Hey guys, Fluttershy needs you.”
“Needs whom?” asked Twilight.
“All of you." Rainbow said tiredly. "And me, of course,” remembering how great she was. And with that, they left the kitchen to assist their friend who was in charge of training the performing animals.
The perpetually introverted Fluttershy was waiting in the courtyard, with a very irate flock of animals inflicting a flurry of frenzied stomps across the garden. Everypony was tentative to go outside, and Twilight wanted answers. They all wanted answers. She gestured Fluttershy over to her. Fluttershy walked over as if she were about to be punished by her mother. In a way, Twilight delivered. “Fluttershy?! What happened?! Why are all the animals so angry?!”
Fluttershy stammered “T-Twilight, please! I…I just fed them the food Pinkie gave me... Did I mess up?” Twilight cooled down once again, even amidst the stampede.
“No, Fluttershy, you didn’t.” Twilight assured her. She turned venomous again, but against another pony. “It was Pinkie Pie who messed up!”
Pinkies’ cheery demeanor was replaced with a look of incredulousness. “Me? What are you talking about?”
“Oh, you know what I’m talking about!" snapped Twilight, "You just had to organize the party on the day it happened! You just had to cook with Applejack! You just had to give the animals your psycho food!”
Pinkie got defensive. “Now wait a minute! You could have just told me not to do those things you let me do!”
“Oh, so now it’s my fault?” retorted Twilight in heated emotion.
“Well, yeah!” Rainbow Dash interjected. “You know how crazy Pinkie gets when she’s planning parties! Nobody can work as fast as her!”
“So that explains that mangled banner!” Applejack said off-hoof, looking away from Rainbow Dash very tongue-in-cheek.
Rainbow glared at Applejack and barked “So why didn’t you get a ladder?!”
Applejack was angry now. “’Cuz Pinkie wanted to serve up Ladder Cake!”
“Hey, I’ll have you know that Ladder Cake is a royal delicacy!” Pinkie shot back.
“I’m afraid not, dear.” Rarity calmly rebuffed, with a fury boiling behind her façade. “Ladders are not considered a delicacy by any royal palette, or indeed any palette outside of termites.”
“That’s not true!” Even Fluttershy was joining in. “My beaver friends like ladder!”
And so the six ponies with manes, whom typically are known across Equestria* as the Three Amigos, were catapulted into a heated, very important verbal debate about who screwed up Princess Celestias’ birthday party the most. Rainbow Dash argued that the animal show should have been replaced with a couple more Sonic Rainbooms. Rarity argued that the party should have been planned out earlier. Applejack wanted to bake her apple cuisine, not a ladder cake! Fluttershy was defending the animals, saying they were trying their best. Twilight callously declared they’d be a lot better off without Pinkie holding everypony back until the last minute. Pinkie il(?)logically declared that she’d be a lot better off without the others holding her back.
And everypony, sans Rainbow Dash, agreed that the banners were poorly suspended.
*“Across Equestria,” in this case, means “by the pegasus named Derpy Hooves”
seems good just remember to make a new paragraph for every new speaker and you should be fine
I like the premise and so far it seems interesting, just uh...the speech thing...yeah, that's the only problem.
Hmmm... a very interesting concept, although said concept hasn't taken off yet. I agree with Sully48, more spacing is needed or else your audience is going to lose track of whose who in the big old bally wally of text walls! Don't be afraid to stretch it out!
Again, you have an interesting concept, even if it hasn't arisen yet. Keep at it!
Excellent concept and i look forward to more. Personaly, i think you over did it with the descriptions, it was a little too flowerly and wordy for my tastes, but then again i am coming into this as someone who knows exactly who the mane 6 are and as such doesnt need descriptions, so feel free to carry on. Also, as mentioned above, you'll want to be putting each spoken part in its own paragraph, its just good practice and makes it easy to read.
This is a very interesting concept, and I love the picture. You should keep an eye out for creating a new paragraph everytime a new speaker is talking. You should also create a new paragraph when you address a new topic or idea; remember, nopony likes a wall of text. It makes your story kind of hard to read and follow. Some of the descriptions are a little too flowery and repetitive, but it is a solid concept. Perhaps you should get an editor or proof reader; either way, I can't wait to see more of this, it seems like a very good and entertaining story with a really decent start. Hope that helps, and sorry if you feel like I'm nitpicking; I'm not trying to be mean, just to help you out.
1214048
Yeah, after refreshing the page and seeing everyone else had said that, I felt a bit redundant
1213565
New paragraph for each new speaker, good advice! Thanks!
1213598
You mean the the text crammed together? Got it! Thanks!
1213613
Thanks for the encouraging words! However, how do you know when to start a new paragraph? Is it instinctual? Can there be too many paragraphs? I must know. Once again, thanks!
1213618
Hmm, you do have a point about the characters being well-known already. I put the descriptions in for future habit of describing characters to give the reader a feel for how they look, but I guess it's redundant here!
Just to be sure, a paragraph for each time somepony speaks? Interesting.
Thanks for the critique!
1213667
No worries! Critiques are always important. About the new paragraph every time a new speaker is introduced, I honestly found it to be a good way of bringing in a new "voice." That's just me, though. I have been told I'm being heavy with the descriptions, though, yeah, and the formatting issues. Thanks for the critique, and keep an eye out for more!
Thanks for the critiques, everyone, and I'll keep an eye out for more corrections that need to be made.
New speaker, new paragraph.
1214059
Part of it will just sound natural to you, and part will come from un-written law. 'New paragraph for each new speaker' is certainly a good way to look at it, and in doing so you'll be freeing yourself up some space to write in what's going on around said speaker!
One good way to get a hang of it is to read a bunch of different stories and try to get a handle on how they do it! I read TONS of stories before I attempted to write one myself.
Oh, and to answer your question about if you can have too many paragraphs, well it all depends! In a long dialog chain between two characters, its okay to have something like....
"I will never give in!"
"You will submit!"
"Never!"
"Then I will break your spirit!"
Something like that, where you clearly know that there are only two characters, is acceptable. You know that the first speaker responded to the second speaker in the third paragraph!
However...
"I will never give in!"
"You will submit!"
"I only came here for the booze!"
Who the hell is that third guy? When you try something like that with three characters, its hard to keep track of whose who! Since your working with all six girls at once, try this!
"Well, I was just adding a little Rainbow Splash to this party!" The speedster replied cheekily.
"But it has to be perfect for Princess Celestia!" Replied Twilight. She used her hoof to rub her forehead: her headache was growing by the second.
Timidly, Fluttershy tried to voice her opinion. "I... um, think its fine... i-if that's okay with you...?" She then hid herself behind her pink mane, fearing what the response would be.
Descriptions! They're your friend, so abuse the hell out of them You had a good handle of it during the story, so keep it up! It helps to keep things in line, helps the readers to remember whose talking, and it can really add to the story if you use it wisely!
Back on the subject of paragraphs, its okay to have a lot of them if you have plenty of characters in a scene, and its okay to have plenty of them if there are only two! What ISN'T normally okay is to have descriptionless paragraphs during dialog chains involving multiple characters, as it makes it hard to keep track of whose talking! Some times Applejack's accent just isn't enough .
Again, don't worry about having too many paragraphs! Size really doesn't matter unless the reader is looking at a wall of text and supposed to pick individual characters out of it!
Hope this helps you
1214140
When i started writing that, there was only one other comment above me. Whoops. Redundant statment is redundant.
good so far but yeah, new paragraph for new speakers
1214255
I guess that's a faux-pas in writing? Apologies. Can a character that was already introduced start off the paragraph?
1214263
Very in-depth. Thank you. I'll keep this paragraph advice in mind.