A Mangled, Scrambled, Slice of Life(That Was Overcooked, to Boot!)

by SpectralUnicorn

Cotton Chef

Using her catlike tread, Rainbow Dash used her ultra-stealthy getting-thrown-through-the-window skills to enter Pinkies' room in the dead of night. The tosser was the Ersatz Rarity, whom informed the fake Pinkie that she always enters her room that way. Outside of her glass shard cuts, Rainbow had no reason to suspect Pinkie was lying. Even considering the glass shard wounds, Rainbow had no reason to assume Pinkie was lying.

With that Pinkie Pie Pondering over with, she looked in the mirror. Aside from the cuts, which Pinkie probably doesn't even get if she really does enter her own house like this, Rainbow was a spitting cyan image: Her hair was curly, if colorful, not unlike the ditzy pink earth pony. Her face was incredibly expressive. Rainbow knew that nopony, except Pinkie, could make as funny faces as Rainbow Dash. And there were bandages in front of the mirror! Maybe Pinkie really does throw herself through the window every night.

However, Rainbow Dash had to be like an earth pony, even if Pinkie doesn't seem to be on Earth half nine-tenths of the time. Enter the cyan belt: it was fastened around her wings, so she couldn't fly around like the cocky, light-blue pegasus she normally was.

The only thing Rainbow needed to complete her transformation was a liter of Coca-Foala, the premier drink for hyping Pinkie up to liven up a party. Rainbow fondly reminisced about how they had to call an ambulance for some poor foal with an attitude problem after Pinkie downed the Foala. The best part was that Diamond Tiara was out of town that weekend! After the memories, she held the over-sugared soft drink in her forelegs and drifted off to sleep...

One toss in Pinkies' bed woke Rainbow Pinkie up. Anypony would wake up to the taste of cotton candy stuck to the bed. Not-Pinkie scrambled away from the sweet, sticky mess she was too tired & wounded to notice last night. She made a disgusted sound all the while, rushing to the bathroom wondering if Rarity tries not to hang out with Pinkie because of her food habits. Food habits...

Crud! Pinkie eats a planets' worth her weight in food, Rainbow lamented. Sugary food at that! She washed her hooves and face profusely, trying to scrub away the worrying thoughts. All the while, she was very thankful Pinkie didn't reroute the plumbing to pour chocolate or something like that. At least not today. "Pinkie!" cried an affable stallions' voice.

It was Mr. Cake. He and his wife, the owners of Sugarcube corner, would be expecting the bouncy pink mare to, well, bounce down the stairs and greet them enthusiastically. The only thing Rainbow Dash was enthusiastic about, however, was being able to bathe with water. Rainbow also gained some morning pep, or at least alertness, from the cotton candy surprise Pinkie left her. "Just a minute!" the Forgery Pinkie cried back.

After washing her hooves and her face, and brushing her teeth with chocolate-flavored toothpaste, Not-Pinkie leapt into the air to try to dash down the stairs. Instead, though, she only tasted the floorboards. She counted that as a meal, and the chocolate toothpaste as a meal, too, for that matter. Then she remembered the cyan belt fastened around her hooves. Of, course, Dash thought. She couldn't dash down the stairs: she had to pie down the stairs. Rainbow chuckled at her little epiphany.

Then she bounced down the hall, and down the stairs. Or rather, she tried to bounce down the stairs: she instead landed on the wrong part of the highest stair, and then her bouncing became tumbling. "Good morning, Pinkie," Mrs. Cake nonchalantly responded. Rainbow had a feeling that the Cakes were used to Pinkie hurting herself in her eternal pep. Good thing, too, since it was the only feeling in her head at that moment.

"Uugghh, call a doctor..." Not-Pinkie responded.

"Doctor?!" Mr. Cake responded, as Mrs. Cake gasped. "Pinkie never talked about doctors before!"

"She never had that voice before, either!" Mrs. Cake added, looking at the rainbow-maned mess at the base of the stairs. They walked over to her, inquisitive looks looming over the semi-conscious mare. "Rainbow Dash? Why were you in Pinkies' house?"

Dash looked up, confused. "Wait, house? You don't live here, or something?" Their inquisitive expressions became tainted with annoyance. "Uh, I mean, uh... Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Rainbow was hoping this was Pinkie enough, because she felt that she had lost before she started.

"Is this another prank?!" Mrs. Cake asked.

Saved by the Mrs. "Yup!" the forged Pinkie proclaimed, energy suddenly rising in her voice, as well as her voice itself. "Rainbow Dash wanted to be me, and I said 'okay,' but then Twilight wanted me to be Twilight, I mean, well, anyway! Rarity became Fluttershy, and Fluttershy's Applejack, and Applejack's Twilight, and Pinkie Pie-I mean-I-I mean-"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Mr. Cake demanded. "So your friends had a dare to be each other?"

"You got that right!" Cyan Sundae sunnily replied.

"Aw, you see that, Cup?" Mr. Cake assured her. "They're just play-acting! No need to call the cops on her friends."

"No-siree, bob!" the Cyan Pinkie replied. She really, really, really didn't want the law on her today, considering she was already under the law right now. Her head pounded at the thought. "So how about that doctor?"

At those very words, a distinguished-looking white unicorn stallion galloped in, with a whole examination kit being levitated. Dash felt confused, yet relieved. His cutie mark was a big plus. "I am that doctor you need!" His voice was deep-ish, yet nasally.

Before she could ask, Fake-Pinkie was suspended in midair, her neck twisted in various positions for the mysterious medic to examine. "You're fine!" he proclaimed, and gently lowered her to the ground.

"But you didn't play with your toys!" Rainbow Pie said, disappointed.

"Oh, they're nothing," the medic waved away. "Those tools just cut heads open to examine their brains with hooves." Rainbow was disgusted, yet amazed. Still, she's glad that all it took to diagnose her was treating her neck like a TV antenna. "Anyway, I must be off. Tending to the potentially wounded is my calling in life." And he was gone as fast as he came.

A long silence lingered in the air. Seconds felt like minutes. Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like days. Days felt like weeks. Weeks felt like months. Months felt like years. Years felt like decades. Decades felt like æons. Æons felt like centuries. Centuries felt like millenia. Milenia felt like even longer than millenia. Even longer than mille-"So, Pinkie, let's get to work!" Mrs. Cake exclaimed, beyond grated by that drawn-out hyperbole about how every silent moment felt longer than it was.

"Aye aye, captain!" Fake Pinkie agreed, making a hoof salute to boot. She leapt into the air, face-planted again, then undauntedly bounced to the kitchen.

Well, this is new! Rainbow Dash was never accustomed to actually cooking...baking......frying...whatever! The point was, she often just grabbed an apple off of a tree or went to some restaurant. She never even touched a stove, before! Alas, she was Pinkie Pie, now, which means that she was about to get a crash-course lesson. Emphasis on crash.

She looked around for a cookbook, wondering what to make. "Pinkie!" Mr. Cake exclaimed. "We need a dozen cookies here! Frosted! Sprinkled!" Well, no need to pick, at least. She found a cookbook, titled "Cooking for the Culinary-Illiterate(and generally Illiterate)". The author was Gustave le Grand. The imitation-Pinkie vaguely remembered the name, but looked through the book, finding the cookies, dubbed "Frosting cookies" by this le Grand.

She was thankful that the book was also for the illiterate. It was all in French! Who the buck titles a French book in English, Rainbow Dash tried to fathom. Gustave le Grand, apparently! No matter! The illustrations were all detailed, and Rainbow actually found herself enjoying making these cookies. She also remembered the griffon in the pictures from that dessert contest. Man, that was awesome!

Back to work, though! She did everything right, cooked at the right temperatures, even remembered to get them out at the right time. After devastating the kitchen in her quest, Pinkie-style, she gazed upon her frosted, sprinkled cookies. The cookies looked marvelous! The frosting could elicit the drool of a Horse with No Name. "Order up!" Not-Pinkie cried.

Mr. Cake then took the package with his mouth. Then it came over her. Rainbow Dash just had to see. Who would be the lucky soul to eat her cookies?

It was a yellow foal in a sweat-stained hooded coat. She was also wearing a Grazo Manx glasses-and-mustache 'disguise'. Apple Bloom wasn't fooling anypony.

Rainbow trotted over to her after she took a seat facing the wall, away from everypony else. "So, Apple Bloom," Fake Pinkie inquired. "What brings you to Sugarcube Corner dressed like a gym bag?"

"Well," Apple Bloom prepared. "Ah'm hungry."

"Yeah, but why all the sweat?"

"Well, Ah, uh, wanted to work some carbs off before eatin' cookies! Yeah!"

"'Kay. And the glasses?"

"...Ah, Ah... Ah felt like bein' funny!" AB defended. "Surely you'd feel the same!"

The Rainbow Pinkie looked at her intently for a moment. Apple Bloom gulped, and not on a cookie. Cyan Sundae finally said "Welp, enjoy! I made them myself." Rainbow silently congratulated herself on a role well played as she hopped back to the kitchen.

She sat in the kitchen for ten minutes, playing with an egg-beater. The tool amused her-no! Enchanted her. Beckoned her. beckoned her to twirl its' mechanically-brilliant design harder. Harder! Harder! Mrs. Cake summoned the messy Rainbow to serve a tower of cream puffs for here. She noticed cake batter all over the walls, and her mane, and her face. She wrote it off as "Pinkie Pie" being hard at work, since the real Pinkie does have a similar method to her madness.

She followed Gustaves' drawings right down to each molecule of ink. After that, and more playing with the egg-beater, she put the tower of cream puffs on a platter for here.

She went to the window, when she heard her name. It was Spike! Man, we're getting all the cool ponies today, Rainbow thought. Well, ponies & dragons. Whatever! Mr. Cake asked for the platter, but Not-Pinkie opted to serve it herself.

At a circular table, there was the purple dragon, along with Big Mac, the red stallion, and Fluttershy, who was replacing Applejack for the day. Spike was just finishing up a tale of his, about how he, Twilight, & Rainbow Dash went to the Griffin Kingdom. "So then Rainbow Dash says 'What? You can't throw one house party in the Palace of Verskailles?'" Big Mac & Flutterjack guffawed at Spikes' anecdote. Rainbow Pie just got to their table when the laughter died down. He wrapped it up, saying "Ah, yeah. So, that's why we're not allowed to go back to the Griffin Kingdom. Isn't that right, Rainbow Dash-I mean, Pinkie Pie."

"Well, it would make for the ultimate house party!" Pinkie Dash defended jokingly, putting the cream puffs on the table.

"Actually," Big Mac started, "that Palace was used for just that reason. It was just for the king n' his friends." Everypony looked at him in awe. "Ah had to retake World History," he replied, becoming very interested in a cream puff in front of him.

"Welp, what're we waitin' for?" the Stetsoned Fluttershy proclaimed. "Let's dig in!"

The four of them(they let Rainbow join) sunk their hooves, or claws in Spikes' case, into the fluff-filled creamy delights. After tasting it, they all promptly spit it into a napkin. All except Spike, who was quite pleased. "Blech, sorry Pinkie," said Appleshy, "but these cream puffs taste lahk hoof stink!"

"Eeyup!" Big Mac agreed, looking traumatized by the cream puffs in front of him. Spike just kept eating, remembering to savor each bite like Twilight repeatedly had to tell him.

"Hey, Spike likes them!" the Rainbow-maned Pinkie defended. Spike happily nodded in agreement. The farm ponies, however, were unconvinced. Even Rainbow herself spit out her sweat-tasting cream puffs. "Well," she said, sounding less secure by the minute, "let's ask this patron." She poked the sweat-wrapped filly. "Hey, aren't my cookies awesome?"

The wanted filly nodded, forcing the ghastly baked bads down her throat. She wasn't about to get on Rainbows' bad side, especially since Scootaloo worshiped her, and especially since Big Mac, Flutershy, and Spike were behind her. The two farmers were still unmoved. No destitute filly could change their minds about the horrid cream puffs.

"Pinkie!" Mrs. Cake yelled, watching the whole scene. "What did you do to the cream puffs?!"

"I made them," Not-Pinkie replied, her voice shaky, yet absent-minded.

"Ya done made 'em, alright!" Farmer Fluttershy butted in. "Made 'em bad! "

"Alright! Alright!" Rainbow caved in. "I'll make 'em again, on the house! I just need a new ingredient." She tore off her belt, revealing her hardy, eager wings. "Be right back!"

She Rainbow Dashed out the door, leaving a trail of rainbow behind her. She also inadvertently blew Apple Blooms' sweaty hood, and glasses, off. AB was caught off-guard, but she tried not to turn around. The farmers were not amused. Big Mac towered above her, glaring down syringes at her, while Flutterjack put her in a chokehold. "So where'd ya get the bits for them cookies, sis?" Fluttershy was clearly neck-deep in her role-playing. And in revenge.

"Ah jus' got 'em from Sweetie Belle." AB said through her breath, though she wasn't really in danger of death, for a multitude of reasons. "Said Ah'll pay her back!"

The roughened, tumbled Fluttershy looked at Big Mac for what to do next. He merely replied "Eeyup!" and the chokehold unravelled. Apple Bloom gasped for air, and slightly bobbed back & forth, slightly dizzy. Big Mac loomed over her, and said "Ah thought Applejack was takin' care of you!"

"Well," AB responded, having to think on her hooves. "She sent me to get her some cookies."

"Nice try," Big Mac rejected. "Applejack doesn't like frosted cookies!"

"Yeah!" Flutterjack interjected. "They give me indigestion!"

Buck! They were right! "Well," AB started, "She was lenie-"

"She was not!" Big Mac interrupted. "Come on, you little liar!" Big Mac grabbed his booze-buying sister by the ear, somehow. "We're goin' back to the farm, 'til Appleja-"

"Twahlaght." Fluttershy corrected.

"...'til Twilight" Big Mac rolled his eyes, quite peeved. "gets back home."

The two led the extorting filly out the door, leaving Spike alone with the crummy cream puffs. Before they made it out the door, though, the same streak of Rainbow that condemned Apple Bloom returned to save her, if only for a moment. The streak had a glowing green sack on its' back, and it exclaimed "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." all the way back to the kitchen.

She then went straight to work on the new concoction of cream puffs(with a kick!). The three farm ponies just stood there as the kitchen flashed bright green. Pots and pans clashed together. Bowls and dishes broke, bludgeoned apart, from the sound of it. Lime green batter flew out of the window, and dissolved the floor it landed on. Even Spike turned his attention away from the cream puffs to notice that. "Well, Ah think Ah'll skip lunch for today!" the ersatz Applejack proclaimed.

Looking to divert attention away from the impending health violation looming in the kitchen, Spike looked at Big Mac and asked, "So Big Mac, why did you let Apple Bloom make, uh, Applejack buy her beer?"

Big Macs' eyes shifted. "Well, lemmie put it this way," he started. "We all have secrets. Some embarrassing! That's all Ah'm sayin'." Apple Bloom stayed silent. She already had Big Macs' hoof gripping her ear somehow. No need to exacerbate the situation.

Spike had one of Apple Blooms' 'cookies' and then said "Okay then. I understand." They all looked at the window, witnessing what may have been a science experiment. "So," Spike suggested. "Anypony wanna see what Rainbo-er, Pinkie's doing in there?" They pondered for a moment, then nodded, in agreement.

They all entered the room of acidic sludge. Holes were everywhere. The spots that weren't dissolved were caked in lime-green batter. They looked at the batter-coated mare responsible, who was using an electric egg-beater this time.

A glob of glowing goop went right for Big Macs' head, but he ducked in time. The door behind him, however, wasn't so lucky, as it was eaten molecule-by-molecule. The colorful cook energetically said to the kitchen visitors "You haven't lived, until you've tried one of my Thermo, nuclear-o...dynamicano...So-Bucking-Good-It-Oughta-Be-A-War-Crime Pancakes!"

The four onlookers just stood there, a couple eyes twitching. Cyan Sundae didn't notice. Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like da-

*CRASH*

Comments

[Cat Eye]

Twilightdash save everypony/dragon from eating T.N.T pancakes

[jileel]

The read begins!

[SpectralUnicorn]

1297226
I dunno, I thought it was rather uncanny. I mean, isn't Rarity always slathering her clothes in sugary liquids? I mean, it's just common sense!
Seriously, though, glad you're so entertained! Warms my heart!