Agent Bon Bon is tasked with recovering a dangerous spell and a missing human. Little does she know that her best friend Lyra will try to help out as well... leading to her capture. Can Bon Bon infiltrate the sex dungeon and save the day? ...kinda?
Sorry, this level of concentrated stupididity and obliviousness is too cringey for me to read, the first chapter reads totally differently to the rest so far. Lyra acting like this is just too much.
I have to say I really didn't like how both Lyra and Twilight - but especially Twilight - are holding onto the idiot ball with all four hooves (and their magic) like their lives depend on it. Twlight is displaying character-assassination levels of stupid: Lyra's story is so weak it makes a damp paper bag look formidable and yet for some reason Twilight accepts it at face value (despite Lyra imploding on herself when faced with the most rudimentary questions about it), and not only that she's pretty well figured out that Mr. Freeze is up to something involving humans and decides to do... nothing? If she's well aware of how serious the kidnapped human situation is - and nevermind the accusations of black magic on top - then why would she just let a pony she has reasonable cause to suspect is involved with it just waltz right out of her library without lifting a hoof?
I mean, I get that you need to move things along and have Lyra stumble across the villains somehow, but that could have easily been achieved without taking a massive dump all over Twilight in the process. Heck, given how Lyra finds him out you could have had the exact same situation without Twilight being in the chapter at all. It's a shame because otherwise your writing here has been really, really good. Quite literally everything else in the story so far has been great, but this definitely puts a mark on it IMO.
several millions of light years away, Alienbob looks at AlienJim "Did you hear? equestria had a human stolen, and some blunderbuss named Lyra is finding it" "The fuck's an Equestria, or a human?" "fuck if I know"
Comparing first chapter to this (or even the second chapter, where Lyra comes across as merely silly, not brain-dead and crazy): it's like if someone intercut The French Connection with gameplay footage from Lollipop Chainsaw.
I know it's clop, and with those the story is usually more just a series of happenings to get the characters together, but it's still so jarring to see such a complete misalignment of tone.
10673928 Sorry to hear that! It's played up to 11 for comedic fun time, which is how I love to treat Lyra! I also like the contrary between gritty and dark and ridiculously contrived.
10673964 Thanks for the comment! Will thought out and structured, of thanking I always appreciate.
The silly nature of the Lyra perspective is very much by design, if perhaps a bit experimental. I've always loved writing her as a Clouseau style goof, and this makes the dark comedy aspect of the story a little more apparent.
As for Twilight, is probably fair that she bungles this a bit... She really should have seen what was up earlier. But good goofballs always have plotarmor that gets them to their destination.
Unfortunately for Lyra, that plot armor will run out, shortly.
10674351 Hmm, I can definitely see where you're trying to go with it, but the fact that all the characters so-far realise this, and that they've called her out several times in four chapters, does draw a lot away from it.
Inspector Gadget would have been a very different show if characters regularly turned to him and called out his stupidity.
Twlight is displaying character-assassination levels of stupid:
This is exactly what I told Clopficsinthecomments too. I'm really sorry. Lyra doesn't bother me so much because she's more or less an OC at this point in the eyes of the fandom, but Twilight stands for something.
I still love this story but you get an attaboy for having the guts to say it.
I don't get some of the critics for Lyra in this one. I can just see her "Magoo-ing" her way through the story and eventually solving the case. There can be some comedic licencing for characters in a pony porno (especially considering some of Cloppy's other works ), not everypony has to be completely on character in my opinion. But to each their own I guess...
This chapter is a joy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There's nothing wrong with a fanfic bending character slightly for effect, in this case comedic. Twilight is fine here, the only thing that jarred to me was her falling back lamely on "uhh, it's policy" maybe a little too hard, when perhaps it could've been her wanting more info and being kind of risk-averse as an option to get the same effect.
I like the story but I really don't like Luna in this.
Fatalism, slippery slope fallacies, vague "advice" that boil down to " do what I say because I said it," and then there is this gem:
“How could one know if the Creator’s will was not for a fallen fate to find redemption on its own? Or to allow some other fate to light the way by triumphing over the evil? How dare one rob the world of such intricacies?”
Which is so stupid that I find it difficult to express it in words.
By that logic doctors and police shouldn't be a thing. After all, who are we to say that the patient should live or the criminal be caught? How dare one rob the world of such intricacies.
And then there's her speil about destiny. If predestination exists then nothing they do will change that. If they can change it then it isn't destiny.
Her entire argument against fixing Stalwart is based on the "new" Stalwart's destiny being destroyed. But either destiny exists and cannot be changed or "destroyed", or it does not, in either case she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
The spell clearly doesn't change his personality or memories, even if it does seem to make it harder to remember those he used to love, so a reapplication should be harmless.
Then there's how she goes off about using it on criminals and BBEGs, which has nothing to do with the discussion regarding using it for healing.
Luna should see a therapist, that black and white non-interference policy just doesn't actually work. Quick Twilight! Report to the guard after tossing a tracer at the sus pony! The moment reasonable and articulateable suspicion is acquired you act or prepare to act. 🙄
Sorry, this level of concentrated stupididity and obliviousness is too cringey for me to read, the first chapter reads totally differently to the rest so far. Lyra acting like this is just too much.
I have to say I really didn't like how both Lyra and Twilight - but especially Twilight - are holding onto the idiot ball with all four hooves (and their magic) like their lives depend on it. Twlight is displaying character-assassination levels of stupid: Lyra's story is so weak it makes a damp paper bag look formidable and yet for some reason Twilight accepts it at face value (despite Lyra imploding on herself when faced with the most rudimentary questions about it), and not only that she's pretty well figured out that Mr. Freeze is up to something involving humans and decides to do... nothing? If she's well aware of how serious the kidnapped human situation is - and nevermind the accusations of black magic on top - then why would she just let a pony she has reasonable cause to suspect is involved with it just waltz right out of her library without lifting a hoof?
I mean, I get that you need to move things along and have Lyra stumble across the villains somehow, but that could have easily been achieved without taking a massive dump all over Twilight in the process. Heck, given how Lyra finds him out you could have had the exact same situation without Twilight being in the chapter at all. It's a shame because otherwise your writing here has been really, really good. Quite literally everything else in the story so far has been great, but this definitely puts a mark on it IMO.
several millions of light years away, Alienbob looks at AlienJim
"Did you hear? equestria had a human stolen, and some blunderbuss named Lyra is finding it"
"The fuck's an Equestria, or a human?"
"fuck if I know"
10673928
Comparing first chapter to this (or even the second chapter, where Lyra comes across as merely silly, not brain-dead and crazy): it's like if someone intercut The French Connection with gameplay footage from Lollipop Chainsaw.
I know it's clop, and with those the story is usually more just a series of happenings to get the characters together, but it's still so jarring to see such a complete misalignment of tone.
10673928
Sorry to hear that! It's played up to 11 for comedic fun time, which is how I love to treat Lyra! I also like the contrary between gritty and dark and ridiculously contrived.
10673964
Thanks for the comment! Will thought out and structured, of thanking I always appreciate.
The silly nature of the Lyra perspective is very much by design, if perhaps a bit experimental. I've always loved writing her as a Clouseau style goof, and this makes the dark comedy aspect of the story a little more apparent.
As for Twilight, is probably fair that she bungles this a bit... She really should have seen what was up earlier. But good goofballs always have plotarmor that gets them to their destination.
Unfortunately for Lyra, that plot armor will run out, shortly.
10674278
Hmm, I definitely didn't mean for Lyra to come across as brain dead.
Clouseau style, oblivious detective was my aim.
Think inspector gadget but with a horn and a cute butt.
10674351
Hmm, I can definitely see where you're trying to go with it, but the fact that all the characters so-far realise this, and that they've called her out several times in four chapters, does draw a lot away from it.
Inspector Gadget would have been a very different show if characters regularly turned to him and called out his stupidity.
10673964
This is exactly what I told Clopficsinthecomments too. I'm really sorry. Lyra doesn't bother me so much because she's more or less an OC at this point in the eyes of the fandom, but Twilight stands for something.
I still love this story but you get an attaboy for having the guts to say it.
I don't get some of the critics for Lyra in this one. I can just see her "Magoo-ing" her way through the story and eventually solving the case. There can be some comedic licencing for characters in a pony porno (especially considering some of Cloppy's other works ), not everypony has to be completely on character in my opinion. But to each their own I guess...
This chapter is a joy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There's nothing wrong with a fanfic bending character slightly for effect, in this case comedic. Twilight is fine here, the only thing that jarred to me was her falling back lamely on "uhh, it's policy" maybe a little too hard, when perhaps it could've been her wanting more info and being kind of risk-averse as an option to get the same effect.
I like the story but I really don't like Luna in this.
Fatalism, slippery slope fallacies, vague "advice" that boil down to " do what I say because I said it," and then there is this gem:
Which is so stupid that I find it difficult to express it in words.
By that logic doctors and police shouldn't be a thing. After all, who are we to say that the patient should live or the criminal be caught? How dare one rob the world of such intricacies.
And then there's her speil about destiny. If predestination exists then nothing they do will change that. If they can change it then it isn't destiny.
Her entire argument against fixing Stalwart is based on the "new" Stalwart's destiny being destroyed. But either destiny exists and cannot be changed or "destroyed", or it does not, in either case she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
The spell clearly doesn't change his personality or memories, even if it does seem to make it harder to remember those he used to love, so a reapplication should be harmless.
Then there's how she goes off about using it on criminals and BBEGs, which has nothing to do with the discussion regarding using it for healing.
Luna should see a therapist, that black and white non-interference policy just doesn't actually work.
Quick Twilight! Report to the guard after tossing a tracer at the sus pony! The moment reasonable and articulateable suspicion is acquired you act or prepare to act. 🙄