"And over to the right we see the famous Rainbow Dash, daughter of Celestia. It was only recently that Rainbow was made aware of her heritage as a descendant of Princess Celestia." The tour guides tonal inflection indicating interest in this latest tidbit as tourists followed her as they viewed famous landmarks and ponies, many coming to simply get a glimpse of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and the buildings where they lived and worked.
Celestia tries to KILL Sin?! The same celestia that NEVER KILLS, EVER, even when her entire kingdom and all of its subjects were threatened? Man, turns out Sin is not only a sue, he's a Black Hole Sue.
"Silence Luna." Celestia said in a rage at her sister, we'll speak later.
should be "Silence Luna!" Celestia said in a rage at her sister, "We'll speak later."
"I'm ok Twilight; I just need some time alone. I will be back to chat to you, don't you worry my student." Celestia said softly to Twilight.
should be like this "I'm ok Twilight. I just need some time alone. I will be back to chat to you, don't you worry my student." Celestia said softly to Twilight.
Celestia nodded her head giving Twilight a fake smile, before teleporting out of Luna's room. Leaving the Mane 6 with Luna, Sin, and the animals.
Should be Celestia nodded her head giving Twilight a fake smile, before teleporting out of Luna's room, leaving the Mane 6 with Luna, Sin, and the animals. The leaves less breaks in the story allowing it to flow more smoothly.
"I'm sorry about my Sister's behavior. She's just been overprotective of me since I've returned." Luna said to Sin as she watched Bri and Dragon checking up on their adopted father.
"I'm sorry about my Sister's behavior, she's just been overprotective of us since our returned." Luna said to Sin as she watched Bri and Dragon checking up on their adopted father. (Same problem as before with a slight change in words to Luna's speech pattern cannon.
"Hi there Human, I'm Pinkie Pie Element of Laughter, and I'm going to throw you an awesome party after all of this, there'll be streamers and balloons and cake, do humans like cake? I bet they do, but that's ok if you don't because I'll make cupcakes too, which are kinda like cakes, but with more frosting! Everyone likes frost-" Pinkie Pie said in her almost traditional by now way, before being stopped by a white hoof blocking her mouth.
your are missing a "way" between "traditional" and "by".
"Pinkie you are going to scare him, sorry about my friend, she can be quite energetic and random much of the time. I'm Rarity by the way, Element of Generosity and clothes designer; it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry if this sounds forward, but would you allow me to design some clothes for you free of charge? It would be so refreshing to create garments for someone other than a pony for once." Rarity said to Sin in an upper class voice that held surprisingly small feeling of self-importance in it.
This can be fix several ways, the best one would be to have it like this, "Pinkie you are going to scare him.Sorry about my friend, she can be quite energetic and random much of the time. I'm Rarity by the way, Element of Generosity and clothes designer; it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry if this sounds forward, but would you allow me to design some clothes for you, free of charge, of course? It would be so refreshing to create garments for someone other than a pony for once." Rarity said to Sin in an upper class voice that held surprisingly small feeling of self-importance in it.
"Oh I’m sorry I didn't mean to bother your family, I just love animals I sometimes get carried away with myself. My name is Fluttershy and I’m the Element of Kindness" Fluttershy said in a very quiet tone to Sin.
well it's just missing a coma ofter kindness
He paused for a second to register their names into his memory, and to decide what to say about himself.
would be better worded like this He paused for a second, registering their names into his memory, before to he decided what to say about himself.
Bang "bad grammar nazi" *Throws grammar nazi in closet* Sorry he seemed to have got out again. Anyway love the end it was hilarious 'd it!
2230620 oh look another door matt oh yeah cause i walk in with my sister lying bed with a man when shes an adult and when she looks peaceful my mind screams she was raped and that i must now kill him even tho she tells me otherwise
you sir have made me laugh at that last part
Aww man....that last part was adorable!
It made me laugh from Sin's reaction when found out Dragon was hungry.
Lol, i like dragon.
"And over to the right we see the famous Rainbow Dash, daughter of Celestia. It was only recently that Rainbow was made aware of her heritage as a descendant of Princess Celestia." The tour guides tonal inflection indicating interest in this latest tidbit as tourists followed her as they viewed famous landmarks and ponies, many coming to simply get a glimpse of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and the buildings where they lived and worked.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA
HA HAHAHAHAHAHAAMUAHUIAHUAHUAHUAHUAHAUH!!!!!!!!
Celestia tries to KILL Sin?! The same celestia that NEVER KILLS, EVER, even when her entire kingdom and all of its subjects were threatened?
Man, turns out Sin is not only a sue, he's a Black Hole Sue.
should be "Silence Luna!" Celestia said in a rage at her sister, "We'll speak later."
should be like this "I'm ok Twilight. I just need some time alone. I will be back to chat to you, don't you worry my student." Celestia said softly to Twilight.
Should be Celestia nodded her head giving Twilight a fake smile, before teleporting out of Luna's room, leaving the Mane 6 with Luna, Sin, and the animals. The leaves less breaks in the story allowing it to flow more smoothly.
"I'm sorry about my Sister's behavior, she's just been overprotective of us since our returned." Luna said to Sin as she watched Bri and Dragon checking up on their adopted father. (Same problem as before with a slight change in words to Luna's speech pattern cannon.
your are missing a "way" between "traditional" and "by".
This can be fix several ways, the best one would be to have it like this, "Pinkie you are going to scare him. Sorry about my friend, she can be quite energetic and random much of the time. I'm Rarity by the way, Element of Generosity and clothes designer; it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry if this sounds forward, but would you allow me to design some clothes for you, free of charge, of course? It would be so refreshing to create garments for someone other than a pony
for once." Rarity said to Sin in an upper class voice that held surprisingly small feeling of self-importance in it.well it's just missing a coma ofter kindness
would be better worded like this He paused for a second, registering their names into his memory, before to he decided what to say about himself.
Bang "bad grammar nazi" *Throws grammar nazi in closet* Sorry he seemed to have got out again. Anyway love the end it was hilarious
'd it!
ROFL DRAGON WTF?!
2230620 oh look another door matt oh yeah cause i walk in with my sister lying bed with a man when shes an adult and when she looks peaceful my mind screams she was raped and that i must now kill him even tho she tells me otherwise
WTF just happened![:rainbowderp:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowderp.png)
Dragon you slide K-9 you got the first touch on Luna, while played.
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lol