The Cloudsdale Chronicles

by Boltstrike58

Session #2

Swift arrived early for his appointment with Dr. Feather a few days later. This time, he knew immediately what he wanted to talk about, considering King Sombra's possession of himself, along with most of Cloudsdale's population, as well as his impending meeting with some of the Mane Six. Swift wouldn't say he was traumatized by the possession, but only because traumatized sounded like too strong a word.

He waited a few minutes in the lobby, before Dr. Feather came to get him. Swift sat in the same spot on the couch, leaning back to feel more at peace.

"So I guess my first question is were you at the Cloudeseum when the...incident took place?" she asked.

"Yep," Swift replied, as though she'd asked a perfectly innocent question.

Dr. Feather blinked in surprise. "You seem rather...nonchalant about it."

Swift shrugged. "It's not that it didn't affect me, it just...didn't hit me that hard. I imagine you've got a lot of patients who are having trouble with it, considering we were forced to see our worst fears under that spell."

Dr. Feather nodded. "I wasn't there myself, I was out of town, but from what I heard, it was a harrowing experience. Some ponies can't even sleep at night now, because of it." She turned back to her patient. "Do you have any idea why you feel less impacted by it?"

"Well..." Swift searched for the proper words, "it was pretty similar to a lot of nightmares I've already been having, so I guess it wasn't anything new. I took it for a little while, but then I just...lost my temper, and I think I somehow managed to punch through the illusion through strength of will or something. Then I could see what my body was doing, when it went to Canterlot and started guarding the castle for King Sombra. Lucky I didn't get hurt in the process."

"Well, that's certainly impressive," said Dr. Feather. "From what I heard, not a lot of ponies can even mount the slightest resistance to Sombra's mind control magic. You should feel proud of yourself."

Swift cast his gaze downward. "Maybe, but I didn't really even accomplish anything. I couldn't wrestle back control of my body. I know, I know, I would've just been beaten up by the rest of the brainwashed victims, but still, I wish I could've helped. I'm not feeling survivor's guilt or anything, considering nopony got hurt. I just don't see it really as an achievement."

"Well, would you like to talk about what you were shown in your vision?"

Swift flinched at the thought, but steeled his resolve. After all, the vision was deeply rooted in the psychological problems he was here to solve. He would've brought it up if she hadn't, anyway. Even so, he had to be sure not to tell her the real truth.

"It was my...acquaintances at the weather factory. They found out I was a blank flank, and they cast me out, told me I didn't belong, that I was worthless. They told me I had to go back to my family, and that was when my sister showed up. She started mocking me, degrading me, like she always did. I just couldn't take it anymore. I went berserk, started punching her over and over again. That was when I managed to break through."

Dr. Feather was silent for a moment. When she spoke next, it was with a new level of tenderness. It almost made Swift nervous, as if she was afraid for him.

"You said last time you were absolutely certain your sister hated you. Do you have any idea why that is?"

That was an easy answer. "She hates me because I was the preferred child. As much as our mom might deny it, I was always her favorite. She pretty much always took my side in fights. Not to mention she seemed to punish my sister a lot more, although my sister was more prone to hitting. In her mind, since our mom wouldn't let her do whatever she wanted to me, that meant our mom didn't love her. It didn't help that, when I was born, my sister had to give up her bedroom for me, and she got the other room. Granted, her new room wasn't crap or anything, but she's still sore over it after all these years.

"She blames me for our dad walking out on us when we were just foals, for us not having a lot of money growing up, and for the fact that she has migraines. I know, that last one has absolutely nothing to do with me, but try telling her that."

He knew he was dumping a lot of information out at once, but he didn't care very much. Every word he spoke brought up another painful memory, another reason to despise his sister. His forehooves curled, digging into the fabric of the couch, and his shoulders tensed. Swift bit his tongue to force himself to stop talking, before he lost his temper and punched something.

"I'm sorry you went through that," said Dr. Feather. Swift noted that she wasn't acting any differently towards him, which made him feel a little better. "Did you ever attempt to reach out to your sister? Like going to therapy with her? I'm not saying you should now, I'm just asking."

"I tried a couple of times. I tried to be empathetic, because I know she had problems too. She felt abandoned by our dad, she had a lot of health problems I didn't. But she just threw it back in my face. Plus, she would never agree to therapy unless it became the 'Blame Swift for Everything' show."

"Is she a blank flank as well?"

Swift paused, mentally cursing for not having seen that question coming. Dr. Feather didn't know about his human life, and he wanted to keep it that way, so it was only natural she'd bring up Cutie Marks. He thought about his sister, who, despite the fact that they hated each other, had some things in common with him. She worked a dead-end job, didn't have many friends, and was generally fed up with life. If she'd been given the opportunity, she might've fled to Equestria as well, though in her case, it would've just been the appeal of a new life, rather than Equestria itself. She didn't watch the show. Would she have been a blank flank as well?

"Yeah," he answered, finally. That was the most likely outcome. "At least she was the last time I saw her. Neither of us ever found anything we were passionate about. That was the one thing she didn't mock about me."

"That would've been hypocritical," agreed Dr. Feather. "And you said your mother was never able to really stop her from bullying you, even if you were her favorite?"

"Not only did she deny she had a favorite, which was pretty obviously a lie, but she always insisted my sister loved me. Even after my sister hit me and screamed about how I should've never been born." Swift rubbed his forehooves against his skull angrily. "She never understood...how deep it cut. How badly it hurt every single time. It's like it was just a game we were playing. It's partially my sister's fault I'm like this. A socially maladjusted freak who can barely talk to anypony."

"You're talking to me, aren't you?"

"It's different. I don't know why, but it's different." Swift sighed. "Every single, tiny mistake warranted her yelling at me. So I started to punish myself whenever I screwed up and she wasn't there to do it for me. Thanks a bunch."

Dr. Feather put down her note pad. "I'm not telling you to look on the bright side here, but at least you're recognizing that you're self-deprecating doesn't come exclusively from you. It was influenced by an outside factor you didn't have any control over."

Swift nodded. That was true.

"So if we take that information and run with it, where do we end up? You were just an innocent foal who had nopony in his corner, and had someone trying to teach him from a very young age that he was worthless. That's not your fault, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not stupid, Swift, and you're not a freak. You just had a hard time."

Swift sighed as he sunk deeper into his seat. "It's a nice thought, I guess," he said, "knowing maybe all the stuff my brain constantly repeats back at me isn't necessarily true. Doesn't make it easier to shut those voices up, though."

Dr. Feather nodded. "Intrusive thoughts are a pain," she agreed. "In my experience, the key isn't getting them to shut up, but to learn how to move forward in spite of them."

Swift opened his mouth to object, to point out how they were making things too hard to do, but managed to stop himself. This was a path he'd covered back in therapy on Earth, although he'd been too resilient to the actual advice. Maybe he should try actually listening this time. Maybe Dr. Feather had a point.

The mare continued, not knowing about Swift's internal dilemma. "A lot of ponies deal with intrusive thoughts, and I understand, they make it harder to take any action that might be beneficial. But it is possible to learn how to do things without getting rid of them completely."

"Okay," said Swift, trying to keep the doubt out of his voice.

"So what have those voices prevented you from doing recently?"

Swift bit his lip. "Well, I did manage to actually socialize a little at lunch a couple days before the whole incident. I ate lunch with Thunder Snow and Gentle Breeze, but I didn't say a lot about myself. I mostly just let the two of them talk about themselves, because I was afraid I'd look boring by comparison. No hobbies, nothing to talk about, y'know?"

"That's a good first step. They didn't ask questions about you in return?"

"Occasionally, they did. And I answered them honestly, I just...didn't get very deep into detail about myself," he admitted.

"See? You could've just ignored them, and I'm sure the voices told you to do so, but you went out and did it anyway! You can do it."

Swift gave a small but honest smile, feeling a little better. Another thing he remembered from his Earth therapy was to take pride in the small victories, no matter how small they were. He hadn't really done that at all, but he saw the wisdom in it.

"So these other pegasi. Do they seem like nice ponies? Like ponies you might wanna be friends with?"

"Well, yeah. I don't know them that well, we've been coworkers for a while, but we haven't talked about much besides work. And my biggest worry is that, if I do become friends with them, they'll eventually find out that I'm...a blank flank." He gestured at his flank, still covered by his pants.

"Is it just because you think they'll judge you for not having a Cutie Mark?"

"At my age? Probably. I don't think they'd go to the extent of bullying me outright over it, but in their heads, they'll think...that I'm less than them. I know that look, and trust me, I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I care about what others think of me. Even if I did get really friendly with them...I'm terrified of them learning the truth."

Dr. Feather wrote a few more notes, before looking at Swift sympathetically. "Why are you afraid of what they think of you?"

"It's...I don't want them to treat me like less than, even if they're doing it to be nice. If they find out I have no Cutie Mark, and that I'm all depressed like this, what if they start walking on eggshells around me? I just want to be like everypony else, not some special pony who needs to be treated like he's made of thin glass."

"Okay, that's a good point," remarked Dr. Feather. "I don't think you're doomed to have to deal with that, but if you want to keep it a secret from them, I think that's fine. It's your business, not theirs. Nopony needs to know if you don't want them to. Have you had any ideas about what you want a Cutie Mark in?"

Swift shook his head. "I've been caught up in work and the whole brainwashing incident, I haven't had any time to think about it."

"Makes sense. I think maybe you should work on that when you have the chance. One of your biggest fears seems to be the idea that you're too boring to be friends with anypony. If you branch out a little, try to work on yourself, that might not be such a big deal.

"Now, before we wrap up for the day, is there anything else you want to talk about?"

Swift hesitated. His meeting with Twilight, while having gone okay, still hung in the back of his head, making him nervous. He wondered if he should've refused, told her he wasn't ready to see them yet. After all, they had parted on less than perfect terms. But he didn't want to let on that he was acquainted with the Princess of Friendship, who was soon to be the sole ruler of Equestria. He had to word this carefully.

"Okay, so, back when I lived in Ponyville, I met some other ponies, and we were friendly for a while. But we had a...falling out, and things ended pretty badly between us. It wasn't long after that that I moved to Cloudsdale. But a few days ago, they sent me a letter, asking if they could come and visit me, and hopefully try to patch things up. I said yes, after laying down some ground rules.

"But now, after thinking about it for a while...I honestly don't know if I made the right decision. Yeah, I set my boundaries, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder if I'm still not ready for it. I'm scared I'm gonna lose control and snap at them, and then things are just gonna spiral out of control, and then...I don't know what else, but I'm afraid of it."

"Well, I am glad you had the courage to set rules and restrictions," said Dr. Feather. "There are some ponies in your position who wouldn't be able to do that, or who'd be afraid to say no, because they'd think they were being too pushy. What kind of rules did you set?"

"I made them promise not to come all at once, at least for now. I didn't want to get overwhelmed. And I wanted it to only be the calm ones, because I thought that might help."

"Those sound reasonable. And you aren't taking any chances that could put your mental health at risk. Why are you afraid you'll get angry?"

"See, the thing is, they know about my...condition." He knew she'd assume he was referring to his Cutie Mark status, rather than something else. "And the last time I was in a room with all of them, their pity drove me crazy, and I sort of blew up at them. I'm afraid that, even with just one or two of them, I'll have that exact same reaction."

"Do you feel like their pity is condescending?"

"Absolutely. I know they don't mean it to be that way, but it just comes across as them looking down on me, like 'Oh, look at this poor blank flank, how pathetic he is. Let's all make sad faces at him.' And that really pisses me off."

"You're sure it's not just you reacting that way? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to say you're in the wrong here, I'm just trying to understand the situation."

Swift sighed. He supposed it was certainly a possibility. Perhaps he had unfairly lashed out at Twilight and the others when they'd simply been trying to help. On the other hand, they had been treating him like he was fragile, something he hated. He doubted it was unfair to get mad at that.

"I...it just felt like...like I said, I want to be a normal pony among other normal ponies. I don't want to be the pony that everyone else has to guard and tiptoe around. I get it, they just don't want to hurt me, but all they're doing is making me feel weak."

Dr. Feather was quiet for a moment, but she didn't seem to be disappointed in him. "I get where you're coming from, and I suppose, if I were in your hooves, I would feel the same way. So what I'm gonna focus on is what you're afraid of. Are you certain they won't have learned their lesson, and you'll lose your temper?"

"Well, not for certain, no. It's been more than a month without us seeing each other, and they're good friends, so they've probably talked about it between each other, maybe they won't treat me like that again. I'm just afraid that, if they haven't, I'll end up blowing up again. And I'm afraid of taking back my agreement because I think I'll look bad."

"Okay, Swift, here's what I think would help. You told me you've learned some breathing exercises and things that calm you down when you get angry, right?"

Swift nodded.

"When they do visit, if they start treating you that way, try one of those exercises, and then explain to them why it upsets you so much. You'll have a stronger standing if you speak while you're calm, and they'll be more likely to listen to you.

"If you honestly don't feel comfortable, I think you'd be fine to cancel. If these other ponies are as friendly as you say, they'd accept it without judging you. However, going for it would also be a good start to stepping outside your comfort zone. That was one of your goals for treatment, and this would be a first step at least."

She looked up at the clock. "We're out of time for today, but I think we've made progress. You'll remember what I told you, right?"

Swift gave a nod as he got to his hooves. "I'll try my best," was all he could answer.

---

A few hours later, after he'd finished work for the day, Swift returned home to his apartment. He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, sat down at his desk, and waited. He mulled over his thoughts, before finally pressing the pen to the paper.

Dear Princess Twilight...

Comments

[ruthim345]

Very good! I enjoyed this chapter very much!

[harts fire]

a amazing chapter this is writing perfectly.

[SRY]

This is good. Also, I like he is actually seeking professional help for his issues, makes sense and it is always nice when the main character does logical actions instead of handling the idiot ball.

[CrimsonWolf360]

I'm very happy to see that this sequel is chugging along. Felt very unsatisfied after the original story and it's very nice to see that being rectified. I very much look forward to the next chapter :)

[Boltstrike58]

10658396
Well, yeah, but that's just my personal headcanon. Maybe in actual Equestria, Cutie Marks aren't connected to souls.

[Kevin Lee]

It would certainly be ironic if Dr. Feather was actually Chrysalis (or at some point gets replaced by her) as part of her plot to get back at Mark.

[Boltstrike58]

10725245
Why? What did Mark do to Chrysalis?

[Luckyfanisaac]

"Occasionally, they did. And I answered them honestly, I just...didn't get very deep into detail about myself," he admitted.