Invasion of the Livid Bread

by Leondude

Chapter 4 - Burnt Toast and Steamed Hays

Jane Doe, one of the greatest soldiers to ever live, maybe even the best, hid outside of a cave occupied by a dark unicorn of power so unfathomable it would give Merasmus himself a run for his money. As he camped outside, he saw a tan stallion with a grey mane in a sensible haircut trot up to the cave, to which the dark unicorn wizard greeted him.

“Well, Black, I made it,” the stallion said, “Despite your directions.”

“Director Dog Like, welcome,” Black said, “I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable lunching.”

“Meh,” Dog Like muttered apathetically as he entered the cave.

Doe quickly hid under a conveniently placed box and Metal Geared behind the two ponies. He smelt burning bread and decided to investigate while hiding underneath the box.

“Oh, egads!” Black exclaimed, “My toast is ruined! But what if I were to purchase some hayburgers and pass it off as my own cooking? Oh-ho-ho, delightfully devilish, Black.”

Doe lifted the box ever so slightly to get a peek at what the swole unicorn of darkness was doing. Despite Black living in a cave, his kitchen had a window. He heard a door and quickly hid under the box again.

“Director, I was just uh…” Black stammered for an excuse, “Stretching my hind legs on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?”

“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Black?” Dog Like asked.

“Uh...Ooh, that isn’t smoke, it’s steam,” Black replied, “Steam from the steamed grass we’re having. Mmm, steamed grass.”

“Hmm,” Dog Like grumbled.

Doe heard the door close followed by galloping hoofsteps. Checking to see if the kitchen was deserted, he threw off the box and looked at the burnt loaf of bread in the oven. It was beautiful. He had never seen a hotter loaf in his life. And he knew exactly what he was going to do with it as soon as he escaped the kitchen.

---

After being discovered by more talking ponies and a talking cat, Doe was taken to their leader to explain himself.

“So when Black Biceps purchased some hayburgers, you took the burnt loaf of bread with you?” Dog Like asked.

“Yes,” Doe replied.

“And then proceeded to use a mechanical device built specifically for teleporting bread?”

“I teleported bread.”

Dog Like glared at Doe sternly, “How...much?”

“I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days,” Doe replied.

“Where?!” Saurus shouted as he grabbed Doe by his scruffs, “Where have you been sending it?!”

“In space!” Doe replied, “Far away from your Commie hooves. Mars is no longer the RED Planet! It now belongs to America, and the American Bread I teleported there!”

“Well your ‘American Bread’ is eating the faces off of Equestrian citizens,” Dog Like growled at Doe.

“Good,” Doe said, “Soon, the bread of America will eat your entire stinking race! Bet you didn’t plan for that!”

“That ain’t gonna happen, buddy,” Dog Like said sternly “Because you are going to help us end this invasion.”

“Never!” Doe shouted, “I will never side with you Commie scum!”

“Actually, we’re capitalists,” Advocatus butted in, “And the reason you’re going to help us is because we live in a very forgiving society.”

“Well, not that forgiving,” Dog Like stated, “We still threw a filly into Tartarus and then turned her into stone for all of eternity. You should have been there during her trial, it was a mess.”

“And that is why your nation shall belong to America!” Doe announced, “Where we allow footballers and police officers to go free!”

“Considering how some of the princess’ friends and some of our own agents are former criminals, perhaps I could ask her to have Cozy Glow join our ranks,” Dog Like said, “But for now, we need to focus on beating these aliens. And like it or not, you’re going to help us.”

“Fine!” Doe shouted, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be playing with my grenades.”

“Are you sure having him as an ally would work?” SweetAI asked.

“If it worked on Discord, it will certainly work on a jingoistic ape,” Dog Like replied, “And if it doesn’t, we always have Lion Dude to persuade him.”

“I’m pretty sure Lion only controls mares,” Advocautus stated.

“Unfortunately,” Dog Like muttered.

“Yeah, don’t remind us of what happened in that fashion show,” Saurus shuddered, “It was worse than the Smooze incident. And even then, at least our former princess had fun at the Smooze incident.”

“Anyway,” Dog Like turned towards Black, “Would you care to explain why you called those hayburgers you bought behind my back 'Steamed Hays' despite the fact that they were obviously grilled?”

Black fidgeted with his big hooves, “You know...One thing I sh...Excuse me for a moment.”

“Of course,” Dog Like said as he excused Black from his office.

As soon as Black left, there was a small explosion that blew the office door back and forth. A few seconds later, Black entered the office as if nothing happened.

Black yawned, “Well, that was wonderful. Good times were had by all, I’m pooped.”

“Good Celestia, what is that?!” Dog Like asked as he pointed at the flaming inferno behind the office door.

“Aurora borealis,” Black replied.

“Aurora borealis?” Dog Like asked, “At this time of year. At this time of day. In this part of Equestria. Localized entirely within our base.”

“Yes,” Black replied.

Dog Like glared at Black, “Forget it, you’re not fooling me like last time.”

A short stallion with a massive flank engulfed in flames busted through the office door, “Guys! My flank is on fire!”

“No, Boot Rock,” Black replied, “It’s just the northern lights.”

Author's Note:

Never forget, readers... YOU DID THIS! I name you forever; YOU are the Teleporters of Bread!

And yes, I am aware I could have referred to Metal Gearing as "boxtrotting" but I wanted to make a reference to my animated series, TAWOTA.