Bread from outer space attacks Equestria! And with her friends kidnapped and negotiations going south, it is up to Twilight, Doctor Whooves, and a ragtag bunch of secret agents to stop this wheaty invasion!
Equestria has been invaded by aliens! And not just any alien, but great big space monsters made out of bread! With her friends incapacitated by these twisted fiends, Princess Twilight Sparkle enlists the help of a top-secret service that had been recently founded (as in they were literally founded today) after the (second) dissolution of S.M.I.L.E.
The Bureau Of Oddly Behaving Spies!
Rated T because I don't think I could get away with an acronym spelling "boobs" in an E rated fic.
Space. The final frontier. Or at least that was what they told Doctor Whooves when he was in university trying to get his PhD in astrophysics. Ever since Celestia had banished Nightmare Moon to the moon, many ponies over the centuries dreamed of one day reaching the moon. Not to rescue and reason with their corrupted princess of the night but to prove that they could do it. The doctor stood outside of his house and stared at the stars through his telescope. They were shining brightly throughout the night sky, a rarity in a modern-day pony society filled with light pollution. He could imagine himself travelling the stars with his beloved, if clumsy, companion, Muffins. As he stared at the stars, he saw an unknown object hurtling towards him. It took him a while to realize that it was arriving at a fast pace and, if he didn’t move his flank soon, he would be toast.
“Great wickering stallions!” Whooves exclaimed as he galloped out of the way, telescope in hoof.
As Whooves ran into his house, the object that he saw crashed with a mighty explosion. When the smoke cleared, Whooves trotted out with a prototype sonic screwdriver and a thing that went ding when there was stuff. While he didn’t need either of those gizmos to know that the object looked like a massive toaster, he scanned it anyway with his screwdriver. They all called him mad when he tried to patent his screwdriver, telling him the only thing a sonic screwdriver could be useful for was assembling a cabinet. But boy, did he prove them wrong when the sonic screwdriver made the big toaster go ding and out popped what appeared to be a loaf of bread, in addition to the thing going ding because there was stuff. Whooves carefully tiptoed towards the alien loaf of bread. It looked like any other loaf of bread except it was riddled with bulbous green growths, possibly some sort of extraterrestrial fungus. As any scientist fond of experiments would do, he prodded it with his sonic screwdriver. The bread grumbled and rumbled before lying still. He prodded it again but all it did was stay still like an inanimate object, with not a single sound out of it.
“Well, that was anti-climactic,” Whooves said bluntly as he turned away in disappointment.
But as he trotted back into his house, the bread vibrated rapidly until it sprouted four vine-like tentacles and a gaping maw filled with teeth. The bread made a tiny little roar that caught Whooves’ attention.
“Ooh,” Whooves said excitedly, “Fantastic!”
Unfortunately, distracted by his fascination with the bread creature, the bread creature tackled Whooves and tried to bite his face off.
Not even a year into her reign as Princess of all of Equestria and already Twilight had to deal with alien invaders. And the worst part was that they had abducted her friends before she even knew there was an invasion. But as the Princess of Friendship, she believed in negotiating with these aliens. And if that didn’t work, she could always try aggressive negotiations and a big rainbow laser. She trotted down the hall of the alien command ship, which smelt like Prench toast for some reason. Along the corridor were vats filled with sleeping alien bread monsters. And at the end of the corridor were three bread monsters on top of floating silver platters. The one in the middle wore a hat that, on closer inspection, had ‘ambassador’ scribbled on it.
“Ra rawr rargh rah!” the bread ambassador growled.
“Uh...any way you could repeat that in Ponish?” Twilight asked awkwardly, “I never studied your language so I don’t know what you’re saying.”
The bread ambassador grunted towards one of its grunts and that grunt floated all the way to the ceiling of the ship. Twilight looked up and, to her shock and horror, Fluttershy was unconscious and contained in a pod within the ceiling. The bread monster pressed a button that released Fluttershy from the pod. As it gently carried the still unconscious Fluttershy down, the bread ambassador wrapped its tentacles around Fluttershy's head before plugging itself into her head and assuming direct control of her.
“Fluttershy?” Twilight asked in concern.
Fluttershy’s eyes opened wide as they glew an orangey-yellow colour, “You exist because the bread allows it. You will end because the bread demands it.”
“What did you do to her?” Twilight asked coldly.
“You had trouble understanding me so I have assumed direct control of your friend,” the bread ambassador replied, using Fluttershy as a mouthpiece, “Now to proceed with negotia-”
Out of nowhere, a blue unicorn with a spiky blonde mane, purple eyes, and a pink bushy tail appeared with a sign that read ‘TRUCK MONTH, 50% OFF!’.
“IT'S TRUCK MONTH!” the random pony yelled at the top of his lungs, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, IT’S TRUCK MONTH! WE’VE GOT GREAT DEALS ON EVERYTHING THAT’S A TRUCK AND NOTHING THAT ISN’T A TRUCK DOWN AT RANDOM HARVEST’S DEALERSHIP!”
Twilight and the mind-controlled Fluttershy just stared in befuddlement at the unicorn that kept yelling ‘TRUCK MONTH’ as loud as he could. Perhaps when this was over, Twilight could introduce Pinkie to the truck month-promoting pony.
“GET YOURSELF A TRUCK! GET TWO! TARTARUS, GET A THOUSAND, BECAUSE IT'S TRUCK MONTH!”
Twilight noticed the door behind the bread monsters opening up and saw two ponies carrying a wounded Doctor Whooves. And that’s when it hit her. The truck month pony was a distraction. One that her enemies were about to see through very soon.
“What are you doing?” the bread ambassador asked.
“I’m distracting you with the power of truck month,” the random unicorn replied.
“What?” the bread ambassador turned around and saw Whooves being carried away. Without hesitation, Twilight teleported to Whooves and the two ponies carrying him and quickly teleported them out of the ship.
“Hey!” the random pony shouted, “What about me?!”
“They have taken one of the prisoners,” the bread ambassador shouted in the softest, most quietest tone imaginable, “After them.”
The bread ambassador's two servants just shrugged.
“Oh. Right,” the bread ambassador said to itself, “I’m still plugged into this thing.”
The bread ambassador pulled its tentacles out of Fluttershy’s head and barked orders to its two servants in the language only bread monsters could understand.
Twilight, Whooves, and the two ponies rescuing Whooves safely and spontaneously appeared on top of a hill on the outskirts of Ponyville. Twilight looked at the devastation the bread monsters were leaving on Ponyville, with tons of the little blighters scurrying around and terrorizing anypony that did not evacuate. And in the centre of Ponyville was a tripod, which unsurprisingly looked like a great big toaster with three mechanical spider legs, stomping around and firing lasers everywhere. She knew now was the time for more aggressive negotiations, whether these bread monsters wanted them or not.
“Thanks for the save there, ex-dee,” the tall pony with a green curly tail juxtaposed with a short blue mane said.
“You’re welcome,” Twilight said.
“I’m Head Agent Miss Tick of the Bureau Of Oddly Behaving Spies,” the tall pony introduced himself, “But I’m not a missus, weirdly enough, ex-dee.”
“And I’m Ruby Rose,” the other slightly shorter pony with red everything introduced herself, “Colonel of the Royal Army, now assistant director of BOOBS and sniffer-outer of dark wizards. Perfectly balancing the power as it should be balanced.”
Twilight and Whooves stared at the two odd ponies. Suddenly, the organization’s name made a lot of sense, even though both of them had just heard of it today.
“So...what does the bureau do?” Twilight asked inquisitively.
“Since the dissolution of SMILE under Celestia’s orders, for realsies this time,” Ruby exposited, “We decided to form our own team of extraordinary ponies.”
“But we’re still secret agents,” Miss Tick added on, “Anything and everything we do is totally under the radar, including us hiring criminals in our ranks.”
“Yeah, such as a dark wizard that wants to turn everypony else into dark wizards,” Ruby said, “He’s a cool guy, by the way.”
As the two ponies finished talking, the random unicorn from earlier dragged himself up the hill. He looked absolutely exhausted.
“Well, that was the most exhausting escape of my life,” the random unicorn panted, “Are we doing the introductions?”
The two BOOBS agents nodded their heads.
“Good,” the random unicorn said, “I’m Random Harvest but you can call me Randy. Though, compared to a colleague of mine, I’m not that randy.”
“Oooookay?” Twilight said, still trying to comprehend how she got saddled with hyperactive secret agents from cloud cuckoo land with a collective attention deficit worse than the clones of Pinkie Pie.
Miss Tick pulled out a picture of the inside of a room and showed it to Twilight, “Ooh, I almost forgot, ex-dee. Here’s the inside of our HQ. Can you teleport us there, please?”
“Why can’t I do it?” Randy asked.
“Because you’re exhausted and you tele-fragged somepony last time,” Ruby replied.
Randy shrugged, “Fair enough.”
And in a massive flash, everypony was teleported into the headquarters of BOOBS. More specifically, its meeting room, where a grizzled tanned unicorn with short grey hair and a bit of stubble sat at the desk in the centre of the room. Sitting in spinny chairs surrounding the desk were a green pegasus with a blonde mane and a fossil for a cutie mark, a red unicorn with a very messy mane and tail and a cutie mark of a comic strip, a grey Earth pony with a blonde mane wearing a U boat captain hat and a tight pair of black trousers, and a robotic duplicate of Sweetie Belle for reasons Twilight would ask for later.
“So, you’re the new ruler of Equestria?” the grizzled pony growled in a guttural tone.
“Yes, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight replied.
“I am Dog Like, director of the Bureau Of Oddly Behaving Spies,” the grizzled pony said “I’m sure Tick and Ruby introduced themselves so here are the rest of my cohorts.”
“This is Dr. Saurus, Lion Dude, Hot Pants, and SweetAI Bot,” Dog Like said as he pointed at the green pony, the red pony, the grey pony, and the robot pony respectively.
Lion Dude raised his hoof, “I’m actually filling in for Doctor Advocatus, who apparently got stuck inside the sodding time vortex. Again.”
“I can help with that,” Whooves butted in.
“Because of Lion’s extralegal activities,” Dog Like grumbled, “We’re not happy about it.”
“You and Dr. Saurus are not happy about it,” Lion corrected, “The other guys think I’m awesome.”
“Not all the other guys,” Dr Saurus replied, “The HR department’s telling me you’ve been making them uncomfortable.”
“Okay, you, the director, and the HR guys,” Lion stated.
“And half of our female agents,” Dog Like deadpanned.
“Yes, well…” Lion stammered as he tried to defend himself, “At least I don’t turn ponies into dark wizards!”
“Hey, I like that guy!” Ruby said defensively.
“Me too but randomly converting people into dark wizards is a lot more dangerous than me mind-controlling every pretty mare I lay my eyes on,” Lion retorted.
Twilight shrugged, “Well, I have made friends with worse.”
“Yes, thank you!” Lion shouted.
“I don’t think we mentioned you stalking the princess,” Dog Like said as he pointed to Twilight.
“So that’s what you’ve been doing outside my castle,” Twilight said.
“If it helps, I have no desire to control your mind,” Lion said.
“I certainly hope not,” Twilight replied, “I already have two friends that know how to get inside other ponies’ heads. And both of them used to be threats to Equestria!”
“Ooh!” Lion squeed excitedly, “Can’t wait to meet them.”
“That’s the thing,” Twilight said as she rubbed the back of her head, “They have been captured by these aliens.”
“And that’s where we come in,” Dog Like pointed to Lion, “You will help the princess, Tick, Ruby, and Random rescue the element bearers as well as Discord. Whooves will stay behind and help Sauraus and SweetAI fish Advocatus out of the time vortex.”
“Shouldn’t our resources be focused on reverse-engineering the technology of the aliens?” Whooves asked.
“Four brains are better than three,” SweetAI replied.
“Unless you hijack Advocatus the moment he gets back,” Lion deadpanned.
“Lion, I’m not that kind of AI,” SweetAI retorted, “Though it is funny that you of all ponies would accuse me of trying to bodyjack somepony.”
Lion looked away in embarrassment, “Well now, you never know. Besides, I only control chicks.”
“Can we get on with saving the world, please?” Dog Like asked.
“Yes, of course,” Lion replied as he jumped out of his seat, “Allons-y!”
“Did you just steal my line?” Whooves asked inquisitively.
Whooves, Saurus and SweetAI traversed the sandy deserts of Gallopray. Even though they thought it was a bit contrived that their friend might be here, they couldn’t believe that the adventures Advocatus read about were true. That the Time-Turners found a desert planet in the middle of nowhere and made it their primary base of operations, even when it was under siege in the war to end all wars. Now they just hoped that the stories of them experimenting on an unearthly foal to copy the ability of self-regeneration were false. As they traversed the coarse, rough and irritatingly sandy surface, they noticed a small wooden hut worn down by the almost literal sands of time. And as they made their way towards the dilapidated hut, they saw an Abyssinian wearing a black leather jacket, a ridiculously long scarf, and a fez.
“Advocatus?” Saurus asked.
The Abyssinian turned towards Saurus, “Advocatus. That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.”
“How long have you been here?” SweetAI asked.
“About four months,” Advocatus replied, “Maybe. You lose track of time when you accidentally fall into the time vortex and get thrown into a Time War.”
“The Time War?” Whooves asked.
“Are you the Doctor, by any chance?” Advocatus asked Whooves, “I mean we’re all doctors here but you’re like the Doctor. The definite article, you might say.”
“Doctor who?” Whooves asked.
“Doctor Whooves, of course,” Advocatus replied, “Unless you have changed your name like I have.”
“What did you change it to this time?” SweetAI asked.
“Warrior Diaboli,” Advocatus replied.
“Great wickering stallions!” Whooves exclaimed, “You’re the Devil’s Warrior. The man who will end this war by activating the Moment.”
“Well, I see my fate is fixed,” Advocatus said morosely.
SweetAI pointed to a metallic box, recognizing the mauve button as a sign of danger, “And I’m guessing that’s the Moment right there.”
“Indeed it is,” Advocatus replied, “Funny enough, it had a holographic interface that looked like a girl in my future. And then it went cold on me.”
“Seems fair,” Whooves said, “The legends did say the Moment had a conscience. What is it with Time-Turners and sentient technology?”
“You should know, you are one,” SweetAI deadpanned.
Both Advocatus and Whooves looked at SweetAI.
“Oops, spoilers,” SweetAI said sheepishly, “Anyway, wanna help us reverse engineer the technology of some evil bread aliens?”
“I would but I still have to press this big mauve button over here,” Advocatus replied.
“You can do that later,” Saurus said “Right now, we need to get back to Equestria before the bread monsters invent their own tentacle porn.”
Saurus shuddered at the thought of bread alien on pony hentai. It would probably be even worse than that tea party with a Great Old One.
“And how exactly are we going to get off of Gallopray and then return to this very moment in time?” Advocatus asked.
SweetAI, Whooves, and Saurus gave Advocatus a closer view of the vortex manipulators wrapped around their hooves.
“Ah. I was hoping you’d use something more like a sports car rather than a space hopper,” Advocatus said disappointedly, “Also, I’m very certain those things are bad for you.”
“Well, it’s all we got so wanna come?” Saurus asked.
“Sure,” Advocatus replied, “At least I get to be a doctor again.”
Within the BOOBS laboratory, an incredibly swole unicorn of dark unfathomable power was playing with his blue banana and some figurines. His blue banana had a miniature gauntlet of infinite power attached to it.
“Zap! And you're a Dark Wizard,” the dark wizard said, “And you are too, zap!”
Then out of nowhere, the quartet of doctors (and SweetAI) appeared out of nowhere, startling the dark wizard and his army of miniature dark wizards.
“Sorry about that, Black Biceps,” SweetAI said, “Didn’t know you were there.”
“Knock on the door, man!” Black shouted, “Knock next time!”
“Duly noted,” Advocatus said.
“Did you see anything?” Black asked.
“No, we didn’t see you playing with your blue banana again,” Saurus replied.
“Good.”
Black Biceps galloped away as Saurus pulled out a jar containing a bread monster that had been teleported to the lab three days ago.
“We believe the green growths on the extraterrestrial bread are self-aware beauty marks that only metastasize in an environment of pure wheat,” SweetAI exposited before shaking the jar at a rapid speed.
The captured bread monster woke up and tried to bite Dr Saurus. But since it was stuck in a jar, its attempts at attacking its captors proved futile.
“Oh, look,” Saurus said while laughing, “It hates me so much.”
“Do you have any of the invaders' technology on you?” Advocatus asked.
SweetAI pulled out a big laser that looked suspiciously like a toaster.
“Hmm,” Advocatus hummed as he observed the alien technology, “Have you tried reversing the polarity?”
“I think that would cause it to explode,” SweetAI replied.
“Well, it’s worth a try,” Whooves said as he whipped out his sonic screwdriver.
As soon as Whooves used the screwdriver to reverse the polarity of the bread monster’s weapon, it inexplicably exploded in spectacular fashion, covering everypony in the vicinity with soot.
“I think you should stick to using your screwdriver for assembling cabinets,” Advocatus said bluntly.
“I reversed the jelly baby of the neutron flow,” Whooves said in a disoriented fashion before collapsing.
“Welp, we’re doomed,” SweetAI said in a surprisingly jovial manner.
“Advocatus?” Saurus asked.
“Yes?” Advocatus replied.
“Did you read any history books about the bread invasion during your stay on Gallopray?”
“No, but I did use a laser gun to write ‘no more’ on a wall somewhere.”
“So you have no idea if we will beat these aliens?”
“I didn’t even know I was going to take a break from the Time War to reverse engineer the aliens’ technology but I can safely say we should be fine.”
“Yeah, as long as nopony teleports any bread.”
A strange ape-like creature appeared out of nowhere, startling both doctors and SweetAI.
Jane Doe, one of the greatest soldiers to ever live, maybe even the best, hid outside of a cave occupied by a dark unicorn of power so unfathomable it would give Merasmus himself a run for his money. As he camped outside, he saw a tan stallion with a grey mane in a sensible haircut trot up to the cave, to which the dark unicorn wizard greeted him.
“Well, Black, I made it,” the stallion said, “Despite your directions.”
“Director Dog Like, welcome,” Black said, “I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable lunching.”
“Meh,” Dog Like muttered apathetically as he entered the cave.
Doe quickly hid under a conveniently placed box and Metal Geared behind the two ponies. He smelt burning bread and decided to investigate while hiding underneath the box.
“Oh, egads!” Black exclaimed, “My toast is ruined! But what if I were to purchase some hayburgers and pass it off as my own cooking? Oh-ho-ho, delightfully devilish, Black.”
Doe lifted the box ever so slightly to get a peek at what the swole unicorn of darkness was doing. Despite Black living in a cave, his kitchen had a window. He heard a door and quickly hid under the box again.
“Director, I was just uh…” Black stammered for an excuse, “Stretching my hind legs on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?”
“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Black?” Dog Like asked.
“Uh...Ooh, that isn’t smoke, it’s steam,” Black replied, “Steam from the steamed grass we’re having. Mmm, steamed grass.”
“Hmm,” Dog Like grumbled.
Doe heard the door close followed by galloping hoofsteps. Checking to see if the kitchen was deserted, he threw off the box and looked at the burnt loaf of bread in the oven. It was beautiful. He had never seen a hotter loaf in his life. And he knew exactly what he was going to do with it as soon as he escaped the kitchen.
After being discovered by more talking ponies and a talking cat, Doe was taken to their leader to explain himself.
“So when Black Biceps purchased some hayburgers, you took the burnt loaf of bread with you?” Dog Like asked.
“Yes,” Doe replied.
“And then proceeded to use a mechanical device built specifically for teleporting bread?”
“I teleported bread.”
Dog Like glared at Doe sternly, “How...much?”
“I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days,” Doe replied.
“Where?!” Saurus shouted as he grabbed Doe by his scruffs, “Where have you been sending it?!”
“In space!” Doe replied, “Far away from your Commie hooves. Mars is no longer the RED Planet! It now belongs to America, and the American Bread I teleported there!”
“Well your ‘American Bread’ is eating the faces off of Equestrian citizens,” Dog Like growled at Doe.
“Good,” Doe said, “Soon, the bread of America will eat your entire stinking race! Bet you didn’t plan for that!”
“That ain’t gonna happen, buddy,” Dog Like said sternly “Because you are going to help us end this invasion.”
“Never!” Doe shouted, “I will never side with you Commie scum!”
“Actually, we’re capitalists,” Advocatus butted in, “And the reason you’re going to help us is because we live in a very forgiving society.”
“Well, not that forgiving,” Dog Like stated, “We still threw a filly into Tartarus and then turned her into stone for all of eternity. You should have been there during her trial, it was a mess.”
“And that is why your nation shall belong to America!” Doe announced, “Where we allow footballers and police officers to go free!”
“Considering how some of the princess’ friends and some of our own agents are former criminals, perhaps I could ask her to have Cozy Glow join our ranks,” Dog Like said, “But for now, we need to focus on beating these aliens. And like it or not, you’re going to help us.”
“Fine!” Doe shouted, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be playing with my grenades.”
“Are you sure having him as an ally would work?” SweetAI asked.
“If it worked on Discord, it will certainly work on a jingoistic ape,” Dog Like replied, “And if it doesn’t, we always have Lion Dude to persuade him.”
“I’m pretty sure Lion only controls mares,” Advocautus stated.
“Unfortunately,” Dog Like muttered.
“Yeah, don’t remind us of what happened in that fashion show,” Saurus shuddered, “It was worse than the Smooze incident. And even then, at least our former princess had fun at the Smooze incident.”
“Anyway,” Dog Like turned towards Black, “Would you care to explain why you called those hayburgers you bought behind my back 'Steamed Hays' despite the fact that they were obviously grilled?”
Black fidgeted with his big hooves, “You know...One thing I sh...Excuse me for a moment.”
“Of course,” Dog Like said as he excused Black from his office.
As soon as Black left, there was a small explosion that blew the office door back and forth. A few seconds later, Black entered the office as if nothing happened.
Black yawned, “Well, that was wonderful. Good times were had by all, I’m pooped.”
“Good Celestia, what is that?!” Dog Like asked as he pointed at the flaming inferno behind the office door.
“Aurora borealis,” Black replied.
“Aurora borealis?” Dog Like asked, “At this time of year. At this time of day. In this part of Equestria. Localized entirely within our base.”
“Yes,” Black replied.
Dog Like glared at Black, “Forget it, you’re not fooling me like last time.”
A short stallion with a massive flank engulfed in flames busted through the office door, “Guys! My flank is on fire!”
“No, Boot Rock,” Black replied, “It’s just the northern lights.”
Twilight, Miss Tick, Ruby, and Random snuck their way onboard the command ship of the bread monsters with Lion following them in a cardboard box.
“And then I said...” Ruby said before getting rudely interrupted by Lion.
“Now that’s a katana,” Lion dryly responded, “I heard this story before.”
“Still, it never gets old, ex-dee,” Miss Tick said.
They quickly hid behind a wall.
“Here’s the plan,” Lion said as he pulled out some bread monster corpses, “You lot are gonna put these on your heads and then I’m gonna control your minds.”
“Lion!” both Ruby and Tick shouted.
“Okay, I’ll just control Twilight’s mind while the rest of you pretend to be mind-controlled. But you better do a very convincing job of being mind-controlled.”
Twilight just gave Lion a disturbed look.
“Don’t worry, it will be fine,” Lion said in a casual manner, “I promise not to get aroused while controlling your mind.”
“Do you really need to control my mind?” Twilight asked in an annoyed tone.
“Yes,” Lion replied, “Otherwise, they would know that you have not been hijacked by their brethren and are instead wearing their corpses like hats.”
“You guys are crazy!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Of course, we are,” Lion said jovially, “Because if we weren’t, then this plan won’t work. Also, some of us are a part of this other secret organization planning on taking over the world.”
“What?!”
“Relax, the leader of that organization is super friendly and wouldn’t execute those plans anyway.”
“I certainly hope not!” Twilight exclaimed, “It’s bad enough that I had to wake up this morning to an alien trying to eat my face!”
As the princess and the mind-dominating expert squabbled, Miss Tick looked over in the corner and saw a gorilla floating in midair. Its eyes were glowing the same orangey-yellow colour as the ponies controlled by the bread monsters, in addition to glowing red cracks and electric sparks scattered all over its body.
“Uh...guys?” Miss Tick said, “We got a problem.”
Within the control room, the Harbreader observed through an emerald screen five ponies, including one practicing the boxtrot. Deciding now would be a good time to wipe out this vermin, he took matters into his own hands and assumed direct control of his recently acquired puppets.
“I AM ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!” the Harbreader said in a cold tone.
Everypony stared at the gorilla, which had stopped floating and producing electricity. And out of nowhere, a green humanoid with a question mark for a face inexplicably entered the vicinity. He wore a business suit.
“So,” the green man asked, “Figured out who we’re killing yet?”
Everypony immediately pointed to the mutated gorilla.
“Oh, fuck!”
“Oh, so we’re just gonna drop the F-bomb out of the blue?” Lion asked, “No bits of mild language beforehand? Even though we usually reserve swearing for crossovers and Equestria Girls stories.”
"Lion," Random said, "This is a crossover."
"Well, it didn't start out as one!" Lion shouted.
Everypony, and the green man, looked at Lion in confusion. While the green man knew what Lion was talking about, it didn’t know that there was a unicorn hiding underneath the cardboard box.
“Welp, I’m just here for a temporary visit,” the green man said, “If anybody needs me, I’m gonna go wash some dishes and run afoul of ancient Equestrian laws, later!”
“Sheesh!” Lion exclaimed, “And I thought my cameos in other stories were egregious! Anyway, let’s kick this gorilla’s butt.”
Lion threw the cardboard box at the gorilla’s head and charged in.
“Let’s do this,” Lion said as he charged in, “LEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEEEENKINS!!!!”
The gorilla swatted Lion away with little to no effort.
“Ow!” Lion said.
“Plan of attack,” Random said, “Let’s not do what Lion did.”
“You know, I wouldn’t have had to resort to that if Twilight would have allowed me to control her and Ruby’s mind,” Lion complained.
The gorilla charged at Random and tried to squish him with its fist. Unfortunately, due to Random being a unicorn, he got stuck on the gorilla’s fist the moment the gorilla lifted its fist up.
“Uh...guys?” Random said, “I’m stuck.”
“Nice to meet you, Stuck, ex-dee,” Miss Tick quipped, which earned him an unamused glare from Twilight.
Realizing that she was surrounded by idiots, Twilight took matters into her own hooves. She teleported behind the gorilla and pried the bread monster controlling it off the back of its head. The gorilla immediately fell asleep, as soon as the red marks disappeared and its eyes stopped glowing yellow.
“That was all you guys had to do!” Twilight shouted.
Both Miss Tick and Ruby turned away and sheepishly rubbed the back of their heads.
“Can somepony help me out here?” Random said, muffled under the gorilla’s fist, “I’m still stuck to the gorilla.”
Lion got up and used his magic to lift the gorilla’s fist up and pry Random off of it.
“Thank you,” Random said.
“My pleasure,” Lion replied, “Now, let’s see if we can find where the big bad bread monster in charge of all these little bread monsters is.”
“Are you all trying for a section 8?” everypony heard a voice ask.
Right next to them was a nearly naked ape-like creature covered in honey, with the only article of clothing being the helmet on his head.
“You are the sorriest excuses for soldiers I have ever seen!” the creature said, “Let me show how a real soldier fights!”
“Did the director send you?” Lion asked.
“I was reluctant to fight beside you Commie ponies,” the creature replied, “But then I saw that the American bread had betrayed us! They had become no better than the reds! So I seek to atone for releasing this menace onto the world by forming an alliance with you ponies!”
“Uh...thanks, ex-dee?” Miss Tick said.
“Now then, let’s go!” the creature said before pulling a shovel out of what everypony hoped was out of thin air and charged down the corridor while letting out a war cry.
After traversing the confusing and croissant-scented corridors of the ship, Twilight and her odd acquaintances made their way towards what she hoped was the control room. At the centre, she saw all of her friends in a circle, their eyes glowing the same orange-yellow as all of the bread monsters’ other mind-controlled slaves.
“You and your acquaintances have become an annoyance,” the mind-controlled Rarity stated.
“We aim to please, ex-dee,” Miss Tick said.
“You fight against inevitability,” the mind-controlled Rainbow Dash stated, “Like fecal matter in the bowels of the universe.”
“Ew!” Random childishly exclaimed.
“Your civilization is doomed,” the mind-controlled Pinkie Pie stated, “And you will serve us. Or else.”
“You know, I was wondering when you were going to say we’re doomed,” Lion deadpanned, “It’s Evil Gloating 101.”
“Princess, could you tell your allies to shut up?” the mind-controlled Applejack requested, “I am trying to have a serious conversation with you.”
“Actually, I won’t,” Twilight replied, “Like Pinkie Pie, they laugh in the face of danger.”
“A faulty defence mechanism that shall end in their destruction,” the mind-controlled Spike stated, “You and your acquaintances shall lose regardless.”
“So what if we do?” Lion retorted, “We’ll take you down anyway, just like we did with Chrysalis, Tirek and Cozy Glow.”
“Know this as you die in vain,” the mind-controlled Rarity said threateningly, “Your species will fall. Prepare for your imminent destruction.”
“Could you say that again?” Lion asked, “I felt really turned on when you said that and I want to record it so I could-”
“Lion!” Twilight shouted.
“Okay, okay,” Lion said with his hooves in the air, “No touching myself to your mind-controlled friends. Got it.”
“I AM ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!” everypony heard a deep voice bellow.
“I just hope we don’t have to fight another gorilla,” Random said, “My horn is still sore from the last one.”
Out of nowhere, a fiery blast of magic shot its way towards the group. Everypony looked towards where the blast came from and saw a mind-controlled Celestia, who had red sparks emitting all around her.
“Oh, good, it’s an alicorn that gets her flank whooped by whatever villain of the year is threatening us,” Random said casually, “We should be-”
The mind-controlled Celestia blasted fire magic at Random, burning his mane and coat into ash.
“Did you order original recipe or extra crispy?” Random asked disorientedly before collapsing.
“Before we turn into sun-baked potatoes, I have a plan,” Ruby said, “We distract Celestia while Lion pries the bread monster off of her head.”
“Do I have to?” Lion whined, “I really want to see what an unrestrained Celestia could do.”
Everypony glared at Lion the same way one would to a friend who picked an unwise choice of pumpkin to carve up on Nightmare Night.
“What?” Lion said defensively.
Another blast of magic was aimed directly at them, to which everypony swiftly dodged.
“Afraid to hurt your mentor, princess?” the mind-controlled Celestia asked, “I have no such reserva-”
The mind-controlled Celestia’s monologuing was cut short by the Soldier inexplicably descending from the ceiling and whacking the bread monster attached to her head with a shovel.
“Ow,” the mind-controlled Celestia said monotonously.
The bread monster fell off of Celestia’s head, with Celestia fainting afterwards.
“HOW DISAPPOINTING,” the deep voice echoed across the room, “IT APPEARS I WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU MYSELF.”
The Soldier looked up and was in awe at the size of the bread monster above, “Dear God!”
“There’s more?!” Miss Tick asked in disbelief.
“No…” Soldier said shakily.
The giant bread monster crawled down from the ceiling and faced the terrified group.
“I AM HARBREADER!” the giant bread monster announced.
“Welp, this is gonna suck,” Lion said matter-of-factly.
Harbreader opened up his gaping maw, ready to swallow his adversaries whole. Then, out of nowhere, a portal opened up and a metal box flew into his mouth followed by a nuclear bomb.
“The cavalry has arrived, boys!” Dog Like announced.
Out of the portal walked Dog Like, Doctor Advocatus, Dr. Saurus, Black Biceps, and an assortment of other agents.
“Doctor Advocatus, I’m CIA,” Lion said.
Twilight just stared at Advocatus.
“It’s an in-joke we have,” Lion explained, “By the way, I like your new jacket. Also, is it me or do you look older?”
“Yes, I do look older,” Advocatus replied, “And now would be a good time to run because I just activated the Moment.”
“WHAT?!” Harbreader exclaimed.
“Wait, weren’t you supposed to activate the Moment on Gallopray?” Dog Like asked.
“Don’t worry, I have an idea,” Advocatus replied.
Amidst all the fighting and the carnage on the deserts of Gallopray, the two warring races put down their weapons and looked up at the evening sky. Despite the brightness of the sun, they could clearly see a bipedal cat riding a giant mutated loaf of bread as if it was a bull.
“MOMMY!” Harbreader screamed as he descended to his inevitable demise.
Within the royal castle, a ceremony was held as Twilight handed out medals for BOOBS’ heroic actions. But only to specific members such as Dog Like, Doctor Advocatus, and Dr. Saurus. Even the Soldier got a medal. The only ones that didn’t get a medal were Lion Dude and Random Task.
“We have gathered here today to honour the heroism of the Bureau Of Oddly Behaving Spies, who helped free my friends from the Harbreader’s control,” Twilight announced.
“Hey!” Random shouted, “How come I don’t get a medal?!”
“Yeah,” Lion whined, “I wanna medal too!”
“But you guys didn't do anything,” Twilight pointed out, “And I wouldn’t really call Lion heroic.”
Lion shrugged, “She’s not wrong.”
“Need I remind you that I distracted the bad guys with my Truck Month ad when we first met?” Random asked.
“Well, it didn’t really work so it doesn’t count,” Twilight replied.
“Apart from Random and Lion not getting any medals,” Ruby said, “I can safely say that mint’s well as mints well.”
“What did you say?” Dog Like asked.
“Minty…” Ruby struggled, “Are you my...Minty?”
A giant breath mint grew out of Ruby’s mouth, followed by a pair of mints growing out of her eyes.
