When an ODST's drop takes him to an alternate universe and drops him into the middle of a world full of magic and other weird things, How will he survive?
Yeeaaah it’s going way too fast for me to really get into it. Jumping from scene to scene like a hyperactive squirrel.
You need to slow down, your pacing is too fast. Put some more detail into things as well (and don’t cheap out on descriptions by using images. It might be easier to provide an image, but it’s actually better for the reader’s sake to describe the scen instead of showing it). Show don’t tell is a big part of what’s wrong.
Right at the start of this story I was a little confused as to what was going on. I didn’t have enough time to process who was who, what the situation was, etc etc. all I knew was there were four ODST’s and they all died basically immediately. At this point in the story, I don’t even know what character we’re following. I mean, I could go back and check names to descriptions, but I shouldn’t have to. It should’ve been said from the start who we were following, and themes or details about the character should repeat for a bit to affirm it. Instead, we got a third-person description of everyone, with no focus placed on any one of them.
The introduction of ponies was also very abrupt, and I hate to say it, OOC. I mean, the ODST himself is acting... odd, for an ODST. Yes they all have their quirks and stuff but at their core they’re still ODST’s, so for him to act so aloof, so... quirky, is weird. As for the ponies (and spike), it just doesn’t feel right how they’re being portrayed.
Alongside their portrayal, there’s also the lack of detail into the current situation. I mean, the situation is resolved, and I expected a bit of a sit down and chat. We didn’t get that. He was immediately up and off as a plot-convenient objective marker randomly showed up with seemingly no explanation as to how.
10425179 That's perfectly alright to downvote this story and yea the story is moving too fast at times and that's i problem i have with writing. The reason i use pictures is mostly because i fear that i am not able to properly describe things but also to put a picture in the head of the reader.
I have been writing for a while but I'm still doing my best to improve and also you are right that there isn't much information on the protagonist save for the fact he is an ODST but that is actually intentional. In the original I force fed too much information too quickly and early and people gave me grief for that also so I want to treat it as a leaking tap in a sense.
Slowly revealing information to the reader naturally just to make it more enjoyable. Again I'm sorry you couldn't get into the story because of a shit writing and I hope you find a story that is better then none to enjoy my friend
10426152 You just gotta learn to slow down. It's fine to put detail into things, and it's fine to ramble. A good rule of thumb is to keep descriptions of things to a paragraph at most, a couple sentences at the least. If you find that the description is running along for 4+ sentences, cut it off.
As for too much / lack of detail on the MC. Same sort of deal. You need to give details on who it is we're following, but you also can't go into too much detail else you spoil too much of the character. Generally you start with, what they look like. Surface details. Mix those details into actions, like, say to give skin colour "His pale skin was slick with sweat" or something similar. Don't just say "He had pale skin" because that's boring. After those surface details, you tend to give a broad backstory. So, how did they get into the current situation? Maybe like "To say things had gone to hell since he was stationed on the Pillar of Autumn was an understatement. Everything had started out smooth, his (first) assignment on a vessel like this since becoming an ODST..." or something. You don't go into details because you don't want to spoil things like, say, old crushes. Old wounds or anything like that.
I haven't read - or seen - the original version of this story, but I'm guessing you simply went into too much exposition on the character. Giving away everything in terms of who he was. Don't do that. While what you have here isn't completely bad, the idea is after all to drip-feed the readers your character's backstory rather than slapping them in the face with it, the problem is that right at the start it's hard to tell who he is.
I mean, as I said in the original comment, you described everyone in the squad, that's all well and good. But you did it basically all at once. You need to start with the main character, as that's whose perspective we're following, it's who we need to focus on. You need to put some kind of emphasis on that character. Give a little bit of backstory as said. Then, and only then, can you turn to a secondary character and describe them. You don't need to give backstory on the other characters, especially given what happens, so there's your emphasis. The MC has backstory, the others don't. Don't introduce them all at once, either, as said. You'll want to introduce the secondary after the MC, via way of perhaps he's turning to them for ammo. "He turned to the slender man beside him, "Got any ammo?" - [Introduce with name, small description as said man responds to the question]". Simple, easy. Only introduce the other characters as needed. So for all we know there's only the two of them, right until, say, he turns around and calls for a grenade. Then you describe the character holding the grenades. So on so forth.
You just need to get that start right, so we know who is who.
As for that last part. Don't feel so bad, and don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, I disliked the story, and yes your writing wasn't the best. But part of the writing process is getting feedback and improving. I can highly recommend that you look at some of the highest-rated stories on the site. Find one that piques your interest and give it a read. Pay attention to how they do things. Introducing characters, giving details, so on so forth. I guarantee that you'll get the majority of your writing skills from reading other people's work. But do take feedback into consideration, because that certainly helps.
Just found this fic and i finding it very interesting, here hoping and update soon. I like fics that involve odsts. Nothing against Spartans but this wolf just likes the odsts more for some reason
10500451 Yep, same here. Spartans are like dead shells of who they once were, they don't really have any personality to build off of making some Spartans in other stories for me... They need work.
Of course that all changed in halo 4 and 5 though... I miss Bungie.
ODST's on the other hand are much more human-like and would have a much easier time to understand. They're not unkillable. invincible super-soldiers. They're normal people, who fight in a war of survival.
Anyways, of course, I'm not going to read any story until later when I figure out if it will have good uploading times, and chapter lengths. To me, a good story will be about 10k words a month(with some exceptions). Of course, there are some rocky starts, so more than likely I'll be keeping an eye on this story for a while.
10709586 Wait nevermind it is I'm so glad to see thus story again it was my favorite halo mlp crossover story. I got sad when i saw it was deleted but now I'm happy to see it again.
Yay update thank you
Will Noble Six be in here and can’t wait for the next one.
10406215
He don't sorry
For a chapter that you think needs an editor, this is excellent. I have seen much worse grammar, spelling, etc. in stories that HAVE an editor.
I'm picturing Gandalf for some reason.
10406332
It's somewhat better then the original
10406891
Haha yea was trying something like that
Update also is the banished or any other Infinite plot line in this?
Are you going to finish this story
Yeeaaah it’s going way too fast for me to really get into it. Jumping from scene to scene like a hyperactive squirrel.
You need to slow down, your pacing is too fast. Put some more detail into things as well (and don’t cheap out on descriptions by using images. It might be easier to provide an image, but it’s actually better for the reader’s sake to describe the scen instead of showing it). Show don’t tell is a big part of what’s wrong.
Right at the start of this story I was a little confused as to what was going on. I didn’t have enough time to process who was who, what the situation was, etc etc. all I knew was there were four ODST’s and they all died basically immediately. At this point in the story, I don’t even know what character we’re following. I mean, I could go back and check names to descriptions, but I shouldn’t have to. It should’ve been said from the start who we were following, and themes or details about the character should repeat for a bit to affirm it. Instead, we got a third-person description of everyone, with no focus placed on any one of them.
The introduction of ponies was also very abrupt, and I hate to say it, OOC. I mean, the ODST himself is acting... odd, for an ODST. Yes they all have their quirks and stuff but at their core they’re still ODST’s, so for him to act so aloof, so... quirky, is weird. As for the ponies (and spike), it just doesn’t feel right how they’re being portrayed.
Alongside their portrayal, there’s also the lack of detail into the current situation. I mean, the situation is resolved, and I expected a bit of a sit down and chat. We didn’t get that. He was immediately up and off as a plot-convenient objective marker randomly showed up with seemingly no explanation as to how.
So... yeah. It’s a downvote from me.
10424076
Yea just trying to make sure that I set up the next chapter decently first
10425179
That's perfectly alright to downvote this story and yea the story is moving too fast at times and that's i problem i have with writing. The reason i use pictures is mostly because i fear that i am not able to properly describe things but also to put a picture in the head of the reader.
I have been writing for a while but I'm still doing my best to improve and also you are right that there isn't much information on the protagonist save for the fact he is an ODST but that is actually intentional. In the original I force fed too much information too quickly and early and people gave me grief for that also so I want to treat it as a leaking tap in a sense.
Slowly revealing information to the reader naturally just to make it more enjoyable. Again I'm sorry you couldn't get into the story because of a shit writing and I hope you find a story that is better then none to enjoy my friend
10423950
There will be element from the halo games coming soon... just replaying through each of the halos to get ideas
10426152
You just gotta learn to slow down. It's fine to put detail into things, and it's fine to ramble. A good rule of thumb is to keep descriptions of things to a paragraph at most, a couple sentences at the least. If you find that the description is running along for 4+ sentences, cut it off.
As for too much / lack of detail on the MC. Same sort of deal. You need to give details on who it is we're following, but you also can't go into too much detail else you spoil too much of the character. Generally you start with, what they look like. Surface details. Mix those details into actions, like, say to give skin colour "His pale skin was slick with sweat" or something similar. Don't just say "He had pale skin" because that's boring. After those surface details, you tend to give a broad backstory. So, how did they get into the current situation? Maybe like "To say things had gone to hell since he was stationed on the Pillar of Autumn was an understatement. Everything had started out smooth, his (first) assignment on a vessel like this since becoming an ODST..." or something. You don't go into details because you don't want to spoil things like, say, old crushes. Old wounds or anything like that.
I haven't read - or seen - the original version of this story, but I'm guessing you simply went into too much exposition on the character. Giving away everything in terms of who he was. Don't do that. While what you have here isn't completely bad, the idea is after all to drip-feed the readers your character's backstory rather than slapping them in the face with it, the problem is that right at the start it's hard to tell who he is.
I mean, as I said in the original comment, you described everyone in the squad, that's all well and good. But you did it basically all at once. You need to start with the main character, as that's whose perspective we're following, it's who we need to focus on. You need to put some kind of emphasis on that character. Give a little bit of backstory as said. Then, and only then, can you turn to a secondary character and describe them. You don't need to give backstory on the other characters, especially given what happens, so there's your emphasis. The MC has backstory, the others don't. Don't introduce them all at once, either, as said. You'll want to introduce the secondary after the MC, via way of perhaps he's turning to them for ammo. "He turned to the slender man beside him, "Got any ammo?" - [Introduce with name, small description as said man responds to the question]". Simple, easy. Only introduce the other characters as needed. So for all we know there's only the two of them, right until, say, he turns around and calls for a grenade. Then you describe the character holding the grenades. So on so forth.
You just need to get that start right, so we know who is who.
As for that last part. Don't feel so bad, and don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, I disliked the story, and yes your writing wasn't the best. But part of the writing process is getting feedback and improving. I can highly recommend that you look at some of the highest-rated stories on the site. Find one that piques your interest and give it a read. Pay attention to how they do things. Introducing characters, giving details, so on so forth. I guarantee that you'll get the majority of your writing skills from reading other people's work. But do take feedback into consideration, because that certainly helps.
10426154
Will Sarah Palmer be in Infinite I also heard roomers that noble 1 will be in infinite via the role play masks.
Can’t wait for more!
Interesting, I will be watching this closely.
Just found this fic and i finding it very interesting, here hoping and update soon. I like fics that involve odsts. Nothing against Spartans but this wolf just likes the odsts more for some reason
10500451
Yep, same here. Spartans are like dead shells of who they once were, they don't really have any personality to build off of making some Spartans in other stories for me... They need work.
Of course that all changed in halo 4 and 5 though... I miss Bungie.
ODST's on the other hand are much more human-like and would have a much easier time to understand. They're not unkillable. invincible super-soldiers. They're normal people, who fight in a war of survival.
Anyways, of course, I'm not going to read any story until later when I figure out if it will have good uploading times, and chapter lengths. To me, a good story will be about 10k words a month(with some exceptions). Of course, there are some rocky starts, so more than likely I'll be keeping an eye on this story for a while.
10512709
I personally love to see a good halo and fallout equestria crossovers. Involving odsts of course ^^ their was one but didn't get far sadly
Question did the old story happen to be named helljumper through and through?
10709586
Wait nevermind it is I'm so glad to see thus story again it was my favorite halo mlp crossover story. I got sad when i saw it was deleted but now I'm happy to see it again.