Act I, Chapter IV
“There we go,” Applejack said, by the time they reached her room, they had gone from having to support Rarity by walking right alongside each other, to just having to hold hands. “Think you got this walking thing down?”
“Not so hard once you got the concept of balancing.” Rarity said, hesitantly letting go of Applejack’s hand. She stumbled for a bit, to which Applejack reached out, ready to catch. Rarity, however, soon found her footing and was standing up straight.
The mermaid let out a joyful squee, only catching onto the towel around her waist before it feel to the ground.
“Right,” Applejack smiled, blushing brightly. “I have a closet there, and my draws over there.” She said, pointing at the various locations. “It’s, um… Probably far from what you would consider, fashionable, but just pick out something for now. Then we’ll get you something more fitting when we get to town.”
Rarity beamed. “Why thank you, darling.”
Applejack smiled warmly. “I just got to take care of a few small things around the house before we can head out. If that’s okay. Then, we’ll have the whole day!” With that, Applejack closed the door behind her, leaving the little once mermaid to her companion’s room.
Indeed, Rarity thought, as she looked through Applejack’s wardrobe. She felt that, if she had been a human her whole life, some of Applejack’s clothing be garments that she would normally never be caught dead. Still, it wasn’t all horrible. At least she thought. However, just as she was about to select a nice looking shirt with an apple on it, she noticed something on the floor. Picking it up, she saw that it was a crudely (probably homemade) picture frame. On the picture was, as she assumed, was a much younger Applejack, standing in between - if she had to guess - her mother and father. Along the top of the frame, read,
Our Little Farmer.
Rarity looked at the photo in happy silence for a while. Imagining what it must be like to have a pair of loving and happy parents. What kind of day was it like for them as this particular picture was taken? She could only imagine her mother and father looking so carefree for something like a family portrait. They also wouldn’t have kept anything that was crudely made by herself.
“I wonder why it was on the floor?” she thought to herself. So, moving on next to the draw, she placed the photo on it’s top and began looking for pants that would do. When, instead of pants, the first thing she saw were two sheets of paper. The first looked handwritten, she read;
I heard CUA has a terrific farming course as well.
Rarity blinked and picked up the other paper. She couldn’t make out the smaller text, as only the giant letters ‘CUA’ stood out in the center. Thinking it was none of her business, she laid them back and opened the next draw. Only to be met with another handwritten note. This one read:
If I get one more college application in my underwear-
“Draw,” Rarity read out loud. Confident she got that one right.
-I will-
- she couldn’t read any further words, but got the gist of Applejack’s anger in them.
Rarity sighed and looked at the photo again. “Guess that’s why you ended up in the closet then?” She asked it, before glaring at the parents in the photo. “Now you listen here, Mr and Mrs apple! Your daughter is a wonderful young lady who’s happy with who she is. She’s nice, caring and kind, and I will not see you two push her around.”
With that, she scoffed at her own silliness and cringed at the thought. She would never have sounded that confident in front of her own parents, and was perplexed at her sudden emotional outburst. Especially since it was in appreciation of her new friend. Figuring it was best not to bring up anything so sore for their date, Rarity slipped the paper and photo into the drawer, and continued browsing for the most acceptable accessories.
****
Applejack backed out of her room, but held for just a second as she saw the towel drop. Only then, did she close the door. Shaming herself for demanding such a look. It almost made her want to race towards the bathroom again. Except, she did have a handful of things she wanted to get done before they headed out on their date-
’Not a date!’
Just showing her mermaid gone human friend around the city.
Still, as Applejack swept, she couldn’t help not thinking that this could - and was going to be - such a thing. After she dusted a little, her hand finally reached for her phone. Sure that she was going to regret this later, the fact that she no longer had to hide Rarity being mermaid if Rainbow Dash got too curious won her conscious over. She typed into Rainbow’s text box;
AJ: Alright, so, let’s say I did end up meeting someone. Hypothetically! And I didn’t know if she-
Applejack quickly deleted that last part.
AJ: Alright, so, let’s say I did end up meeting someone. Hypothetically! And I liked them, like that. What should I do? And how would I find out if they liked me back?
On the surface, it still seemed like a bad idea to tell that to Rainbow. On the other hand, when it comes to sensitive matters like this... Well, there was a reason why Rainbow knew she was demisexual, and her family still did not.
A minute later, the phone buzzed.
RD: THAT’S SO AWESOME! Plus, I know it anyways ;p so no offense you didn’t tell me today. Who is he? Does he go to our school!
Applejack nervously chuckled as she typed an honest enough response.
AJ: I never said that! It wouldn’t be anyone you know, and-
She grunted and realized that if she held back on everything but the mermaid and (for now) girl part, she wouldn’t get anywhere.
AJ: Fine, I’ve met someone. I’ll tell you how we met if, 1) you promise not to stalk our date. 2) tell me how I find out if what we’re going on a date/how would I find out if they like me?
She worked for a little more, vacuuming the carpets, before at last getting a reply.
RD: Sure.
Applejack rolled her eyes, knowing that was the best she could get from a promise.
RD: Now, the first thing you want to do, is to find out if the guy in question already has a girlfriend. I mean Ploy’s a thing, but still ;p.
Otherwise, hell if I know! Just have a good time, and don’t overthink things. I’m sure that if you two are already at the point where you’re hanging out, then chances are he already likes you back. Now go get that guy! Rainbow Dash out.
“That was helpful.” Applejack muttered. Although she guessed finding out whether Rarity had a boyfriend, whatever a merman and mare called each other back from where she came from, was a good idea. Along with Rainbow’s suggestion to just going with the flow and see how things played out. It wasn’t as if-
The door from her bedroom upstairs opened. Applejack quickly stashed her phone away. Walking to the stairs, she was met halfway as Rarity sported one of her school outfits.
“How do I look?” she asked playfully.
“Amazing,” Applejack said before correcting herself. “I mean, good. Very good.”
“Oh thank you.” She pulled at her jeans. “Although I’m still dying to see what other options are out there.”
“Now don’t you worry,” Applejack said, offering her hand, “We’re sure to have one of the best days of our lives.”
Rarity took the hand, but, somehow, this felt different. It wasn’t as if she needed Applejack to stand anymore. Well, okay, it wouldn't hurt. She had banged her knees while slipping on the pants more than she would admit. Still, as she felt a tingle upon touching the farming’s palm, Rarity couldn’t help but wonder if there was something more to the gesture. More to the fact that, even as they started moving, and once she had let go of Applejack’s hand, so the contraption known as a truck could be started up, Rarity found herself eager to hold Applejack’s hand again. Which her new friend didn’t seem to mind one bit.
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Pre-readers chapter 4
Inside the picture was, who she assumed, was a much younger Applejack, in between whom she had to guess was her mother and father
J:This is a bit crude. Consider:
On the picture was, as she assumed, a much younger Applejack, standing in between - if she had to guess - her mother and father.
Along the top of the frame, she was mostly sure, read
J: Consider:
'She was almost certainly sure that along the top of the frame it read'
AP: Went with;
Along the top of the frame, read,
They ‘also’ wouldn’t have kept anything that was crudely made by herself.
J: why the 'also'. You might remove it.
, she placed the photo on it’s top and began looking for pants that would do
J: This sounds a bit strange.
Is she looking for pants that she intends to wear?
Maybe something like:
'adequate pants she could wear'
AP: Went with;
too, and continued looking for a pair of pants she liked.
the first thing she saw were a pair of papers.
J: I have never seen two pieces of paper described as a pair. I'm not sure it's correct.
Consider:
'were two sheets of paper'
If I get one more college application in my underwear, Rarity thought the word was, draw, I will- she couldn’t read what the other words were, but got the gist of Applejack’s anger in the words.
J: This could be formatted more clearly.
Possibly like this:
If I get one more college application in my underwear
- Rarity thought the next word was 'drawer' -
, I will
- she couldn’t read any further words but got the gist of Applejack’s anger in them.
Also, consider any texts that are quoted from the paper in italics to let them stand out from the rest of the text.
the, most, acceptable
J: why do you separate the words like this?
Is this to intonate them separately like Rarity's 'the. worst. possible. thing.' (like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExDaDmz9NFM, just maybe not THAT strongly)?
Maybe use dot (.) or hyphen (-) instead in that case.
Like:
'browsing for - the - most - acceptable - accessoires.'
If it is not intended to be intoned in a special way just leave the semicolons out.
t, she couldn’t not help not thinking
J: Maybe a 'not' too many in there?
Maybe you mean
'she couldn't help thinking'
or at most, though more confusing or ironic:
'she couldn't help not thinking
the fact that she no longer had to hide the fact Rarity ‘wasn’t’ a mermaid
J: Are you sure 'wasn't' is adequate here? Maybe 'was' is more correct?
Depends how you see it.
On the one hand she doesn't have to hide her since she looks human now, on the other she still has to keep it secret that she could transform into one
AP: Opps ^^’ Yeah, was fits better
ate. 2) tell me how I find out if what we’re going on a date/how would I find out if they like me?
J: that's a bit confusing. maybe try something simpler:
''tell me how I could find out if they like me
Maybe leave out the question mark since it is not really a question.
Ploy’s a thing, but be wary of that. Afterword, hell if I know
J: I'm not sure what DR's trying to say here. That she should be wary of being tricked? If so, then consider exchanging 'but' for 'so'.
I don't think Tails did the right correction, likely 'Afterwards' is the correct word - however again it's not clear what RD's trying to say. Does she mean to do or be aware of something after the date? You may want to rephrase the whole sentence.
Ap: This took me a bit to think what I’d wanted, but I think I’m happy with what I picked ^^’
Anyways, peace and out!
J: That sounds awkward. RD would try to sound cool.
Maybe something like:
Now go get that guy! Rainbow Dash out.
Ap: yeah, about 20% more 😎 ^^’
“Helpful.” Applejack muttered.
J: earnest or in irony. By following sentences it's the former but wouldn't hurt to make it clearer. Maybe:
"That was helpful," Applejack muttered in a reassured tone.
Mermaid or man, ‘back’ home
J: just saying 'back' is not enough.
maybe elaborate with:
'back where she came from'.
or simply
'back home'.
And that’s all we’ve got for this installment with only one of my proofreaders leaving comments. There were a few grammar corrections I wanted to save, but those technically difficulty’s made me want to just get this chapter done so I can move on to finish the act, hopefully, before the end of the month. Meanwhile, let me know if you’d be interested in pre-reading
Nice chapter!
It's still very weird to see Dash be the one obsessed with AJ trying to get a date or finding one
Hey :)
I'm (one of the) the mentioned proofreader / editor.
Wow, I didn't think you would post my comments here, not that I have a problem with it :)
I'm not finished going through with more corrections and suggestions probably coming.
Good story so far.
I just looked at the tags:
Why add the Sex and Sad tags?
There is no Sex, not even innuendo.
Maybe there are sadder parts to come but it's not really a Sad story, just a bit of drama.
10028941
Implied nudity
Also, yeah, I do that for every story. At first it was just a way to keep notes and critiques preserved for when the google docs would be eventually deleted. It still is for the most part, but it’s also just as much a time capsule to look back on as well.
I still find enjoyment from reading the notes from the pre-readers in Buttons Date when I’m feeling down and in the need for motivation.
Also, I’ll be sure to, one link you ^^’ and second, how would you like to be called in the notes? Just put in J because your name was Joahana was in the google docs
10029318
I prefer to go by my artist/furry name Machara as before and my role im my help here is editor. Glad you like comments. Don't take them personal, i can be nitpicky. You are a good writer just need to improve on grammar and phrasing.
Btw i have a cast on my hand for the next week, so no editing for now.
Surprised that Winona wasn't aware of this.
I think you should add 'to ourselves' after 'whole day.'
Capitalize 'she' before 'thought to herself' and remove the comma after 'when.'
It's not them pushing her around Rarity. It's her grandmother.
Capitalize 'so' then add a comma after it.
Add a space or do this.
"RD: Now, the first thing you want to do, is to find out if the guy in question already has a girlfriend. I mean Ploy’s a thing, but still ;p.
Otherwise, hell if I know! Just have a good time, and don’t overthink things. I’m sure that if you two are already at the point where you’re hanging out, then chances are he already likes you back. Now go get that guy! Rainbow Dash out."
I wonder what the uniform looks like.
She*
Replace the comma with a period after 'up.'