Hm. Not a whole lot of changes from what I can see...
She's still DEAD! I thought you were talking to Joker about FIXING THIS!
Really? I don't think I was discussing that in the slightest...rather...
*Steel grows a sinister grin, looking over at Twilight.*
I think I was talking about another...
*Steel gestures widely as he leans in immediately.*
TARGET!
*Twilight jumps away, shouting, and she punches Steel square in the face.*
...Ow.
Don't scare me like that!
It's hard to resist though!
Besides, you're doing it all wrong!
*Twilight and Steel look around for the source of the voice.*
THIS is how you scare somepony!
*Pinkie wraps her forelegs around Twilight, pulling her close. Twilight looks over to see row after row of fangs in Pinkie's smile.*
HOLY CRAP!
GAH!
And the Master strikes again!
Wait...
Th... Those are fake, right?
As far as you know...
Ahem...before this situation gets any more strange...commenting on the story please?
Oh, right! Not a lot has changed, really. It feels like you just added a few details to an already short scene! Artificial lengthening, I think that's what it's called!
I agree, actually. Pinkie, is it just me, or are you becoming more insightful?
Are you saying I'm not insightful!?
...Yes, I am?
Steel, I'm hurt!
Well c'mon! You're the craziest of the bunch, and you constantly go off in tangents! I didn't think you could comment on a story like THAT!
Well, you learn something new everyday! Just like how I learn a new additive to my cupcake recipes, and new ammo for my party cannon, and new ways to prank ponies!
Not a bad start for a story. The writing and story telling is pretty good and polished. There are just three things that I noticed:
(1) I found one possible mistakes:
A dark stood above her...
A dark what? Shadow? Pagesus?
(2) This is not specific to this story, but I always wondered how Pegesi can walk on clouds, but also fly through them and manipulate them. So, as I read the story I wondered if RD could have manipulated the cloud with her wings or with Pegesi magic to fall through it. Thouh, as far as I can tell its nothing canonical or fanonical, so its open to the writer's creative interpretation. Its definately not far-fetch or unbelieveable; it doesn't detract or distract from the story.
(3) A vampire/vampony? In broad daylight? Okay, I'll go with it for now ... as long as you promise me that it was not sparkling in the sunlight....
Woah.
'Woah', yeah, Ah'll give it that much!
Holy...!
Magnificent...
*Steel taps his fingers together with a sick grin.*
You had something to do with this, didn't you?!
Well, don't YOU have an active imagination? I haven't had anything to do with this.
I saw you talking to him over Steam!
*Steel grabs Twilight's face and stares her dead in the eyes.*
YOU SAW NOTHING.
Like TARTARUS I DIDN'T!
Now, now, ladies, let's not start a fuss over this here story.
Thank you, Applejack.
Wait, la- OY!
Y'fight like one, Steel.
Anyways, somethin' 'bout this here story.
It takes guts t' murder Dash in th' first chapter a' the story.
Wait.
I'M DEAD?!
*Steel smiles, looking off to the left.*
Please say I'm not already dead!
Better 'n the alternative, Ah'd say.
Death or rape...ehhhh...
That's actually a really hard choice...
Erm...
did she really die this early in the story? Seems weird to me...
Hm. Not a whole lot of changes from what I can see...
She's still DEAD! I thought you were talking to Joker about FIXING THIS!
Really? I don't think I was discussing that in the slightest...rather...
*Steel grows a sinister grin, looking over at Twilight.*
I think I was talking about another...
*Steel gestures widely as he leans in immediately.*
TARGET!
*Twilight jumps away, shouting, and she punches Steel square in the face.*
...Ow.
Don't scare me like that!
It's hard to resist though!
Besides, you're doing it all wrong!
*Twilight and Steel look around for the source of the voice.*
THIS is how you scare somepony!
*Pinkie wraps her forelegs around Twilight, pulling her close. Twilight looks over to see row after row of fangs in Pinkie's smile.*
HOLY CRAP!
GAH!
And the Master strikes again!
Wait...
Th...
Those are fake, right?
As far as you know...
Ahem...before this situation gets any more strange...commenting on the story please?
Oh, right!
Not a lot has changed, really. It feels like you just added a few details to an already short scene!
Artificial lengthening, I think that's what it's called!
I agree, actually. Pinkie, is it just me, or are you becoming more insightful?
Are you saying I'm not insightful!?
...Yes, I am?
Steel, I'm hurt!
Well c'mon! You're the craziest of the bunch, and you constantly go off in tangents! I didn't think you could comment on a story like THAT!
Well, you learn something new everyday!
Just like how I learn a new additive to my cupcake recipes, and new ammo for my party cannon, and new ways to prank ponies!
Wait- new ammo?
That's for me to know, and you to have fun with!
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Wait... New AMMO? For Party Cannon?!
Why do people always come up with something to destroy the world with?
Oh and Hellsing reference all the way. Huh... Will it be new cliche? Or just overused scene?
PS. +1 like.
Not a bad start for a story. The writing and story telling is pretty good and polished. There are just three things that I noticed:
(1) I found one possible mistakes:
A dark what? Shadow? Pagesus?
(2) This is not specific to this story, but I always wondered how Pegesi can walk on clouds, but also fly through them and manipulate them. So, as I read the story I wondered if RD could have manipulated the cloud with her wings or with Pegesi magic to fall through it. Thouh, as far as I can tell its nothing canonical or fanonical, so its open to the writer's creative interpretation. Its definately not far-fetch or unbelieveable; it doesn't detract or distract from the story.
(3) A vampire/vampony? In broad daylight? Okay, I'll go with it for now ... as long as you promise me that it was not sparkling in the sunlight....
Onto Chapter 1....
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Third point...well, you'll see what happens when you read the rest of the story. Me and Joker chose a rather...unique drawback to being in sunlight.
And no, he doesn't sparkle. We may be outlandish, but we aren't stupid.
*Sniffs the air*
Smells like... Hellsing vampires....
...
...
I LIKE THAT.
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webpages.charter.net/smerrow/posters/alucard.jpg
Time to call. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. One of the vampire slayers from Marvel comics.