This was a great chapter as you have introduced my favorite cryomancer (and MK character!)
I am very surprised that Flim and Flam chose to fight with Cyrax and Smoke. Seeing that rock get sliced in half by just a wingstroke, I was betting they would have run away in terror, especially when Cytax called himself an assassin.
9556243 Thanks, and believe me when I say... I will be doing chapters of the Mane Six, and other MLP characters. So be prepared for who may appear next.
I'm very glad that you had Cyrex and Smoke dispatch those two conniving con artists, I never really liked them either.
I also really like how Cyrex's wired hair resembles dreadlocks.
Also one MLP character I really hope will get some screen time is Trixie as a possible ally. Because I was horrifically abhorred with how the show handled her redemption episode in No Second Prances (season 6) since it also made Twilight look like a hypocrite in Friendship matters. Since this story occurs after Tirek's defeat and before meeting Starlight you as the author have a chance to fix that (it's really just a suggestion though, you can PM me on it of you'd like).
He lowered his head feeling despair take hold, but he refused to give in. He rose his head showing a glare on his face, not only will he give up... he needed a plan to escape from the dungeon. But in order to do that, he needed to regain his strength.
9556439 Just a heads up, this will also take place before Twilight returned to the Canterlot High World. So let me see how things progress, and I'll see what I can do.
I don’t mean mind you having the Cyber Lin Kuei beating the shit out’ve the Flim Flam Bros, though in accuracy the fight with them should’ve ended with one punch to each brother by just one Cyborg alone
I would have though Subzero to be a pegasus seeing that he is in a way manipulating the weather in the environment along with maybe with smokes, and Scorpion a Kirin, but that is just me. I think Raden and Princess Kinana being alicorns was a good choice through.
Anyway, I was surprised with how much work you did in your art in designing each of the characters that shows up along with chapter art, I hope you will keep on doing more of those. I do a lot of art too and I would love to do an art trade with you, if ever you are interested, the link to my gallery is in the link below if you want to take a look.
As for the story it self I love the premise and how you are going about it, but it was still a slugfest to read though the whole, with the bland writing, I do get that you are still learning to write so I won't badger you too much on it. One huge thing that I would suggest that would help in improving adding more verity in describing the OC's actions would be to look up proper like a 'nelson', 'uppercut', 'dropkick' and all the rest. Also, what I find that helps with describing a good scene would be to make it sound more visceral in sensations of touch, smells, sounds and, pain, with using a lot of hyperbolic expressions like 'bone shattering', 'lightning blow' and so forth you can get a lot of great stuff with that. I hope it helps and wish you good luck with this story and your art.
There were a lot of parts where you spelled “wrist com” “wrist come”.
It seems out of character that the Flim Flam brothers would attack instead of run away after seeing Cyrax and Smoke’s skill. It also seems irresponsible that they would teleport Noob away to a random location instead of find a way to imprison him.
9619728 Still, they could have put him in an enchanted sleep or something. Teleporting him away to a random location just means he's going to come back eventually.
"You're right Smoke... how can I tell...? You still smell like a burned out fire..." Sonya replied to him and looked to Cyrax. "My wrist come detected your signatures, me and Rainbow Dash came to find you both as quickly as we could." she informed them.
apart from a few typos, i'm still really enjoying this story! really liked the Cyrax and Smoke vs Noob battle; if i'm not mistaken, i believe you were inspired by Mortal Kombat Legacy: Cyrax and Sektor I've writen a fight scen that was inspired by this one too, though it was more from the beginning when Hydro was winning; but i digress. 9558827 yep, Flash Sentry is going to train with lui kang now, huh? that should be interesting. I can already imagine Big mac pairing up with Jax for training, that one's just obvious. Trixie, though... who would she pair off with? Jade, perhaps...? or Kung Lao? Yeah! Kung Lao! so Trixie can pick up on some of the sweet hat tricks that he can do. ...yeah, i'm a bit of a Trixie fan boy, so i'm really looking forward to seeing what you do with her.
Glaring at the last insult, Noob used his magic to form a crescent blade and stances. "If I'm a dog... then you're dog food...!" he charged at Cyrax going for a killing blow, but Smoke get in the way and blocked his attack as Cyrax leaped over and kicked him in the face. Stumbling from the blow, Noob threw a shuriken at him only to see him dodge the attack as Smoke threw a ball of smoke at Cyrax's hooves seeing him disappear.
"Its my wrist come, it allows me to communicate with my comrades, or look at maps of the realm I'm in... but its been on the fritz ever since I got here. I've been getting help from Princess Twilight to add a few elements of Equestria to it, so that it can adapt to your realm..." Sonya explained to her.
Listening to his words, Cyrax and Smoke looked to each other and nodded to one another. They looked to Noob and glared at him for everything he said. "The only one inferior here, is you... you joined Quan Chi and became this phantom... you tried to kill your own brother, your corrupted Smoke's mind..." Cyrax listed all the horrible things that he did in life. "You are not Bi Han... you're just a revenant dog!"
9553313
Which pony’s fatality do you like the most?
Twilight's, and Fluttershy's.
This was a great chapter as you have introduced my favorite cryomancer (and MK character!)
I am very surprised that Flim and Flam chose to fight with Cyrax and Smoke. Seeing that rock get sliced in half by just a wingstroke, I was betting they would have run away in terror, especially when Cytax called himself an assassin.
Can't wait for the next one!
9556243
Thanks, and believe me when I say... I will be doing chapters of the Mane Six, and other MLP characters. So be prepared for who may appear next.
I'm very glad that you had Cyrex and Smoke dispatch those two conniving con artists, I never really liked them either.
I also really like how Cyrex's wired hair resembles dreadlocks.
Also one MLP character I really hope will get some screen time is Trixie as a possible ally. Because I was horrifically abhorred with how the show handled her redemption episode in No Second Prances (season 6) since it also made Twilight look like a hypocrite in Friendship matters. Since this story occurs after Tirek's defeat and before meeting Starlight you as the author have a chance to fix that (it's really just a suggestion though, you can PM me on it of you'd like).
Do I send a uncale Iro training coming
9556439
Just a heads up, this will also take place before Twilight returned to the Canterlot High World. So let me see how things progress, and I'll see what I can do.
9556740
Hmm... now that you mention it, I do feel like I pulled an Iroh reference.
9556981
That sounds fair enough for me. Thank you very much! :)
9557009
No problem.
9557204
By the way, how could Noob lose a tooth if a faceplate was covering his muzzle during the fight with Cyrex and Smoke?
9557260
Language! And don't criticize my writing, I'm still a beginner.
9557300
Most of his armor could be made of ooze.
9557456
Sounds very creepy.
9557818
Pretty much.
Will one of the MLP character's chapters be Discord? I would love to see him and Scorpion fight over Fluttershy's love!
9558586
Probably.
9558693
What other MLP character chapters do you have planned, other than the Mane Six?
9558752
Well... let me run down the list.
Flash Sentry
Trixie
Big Mac
The Cutie Mark Crusaders won't get a chapter, they are way too young.
The rest I am still thinking things through.
I don’t mean mind you having the Cyber Lin Kuei beating the shit out’ve the Flim Flam Bros, though in accuracy the fight with them should’ve ended with one punch to each brother by just one Cyborg alone
9559653
I know... but I wanted to make the fight last a little longer.
I would have though Subzero to be a pegasus seeing that he is in a way manipulating the weather in the environment along with maybe with smokes, and Scorpion a Kirin, but that is just me. I think Raden and Princess Kinana being alicorns was a good choice through.
Anyway, I was surprised with how much work you did in your art in designing each of the characters that shows up along with chapter art, I hope you will keep on doing more of those. I do a lot of art too and I would love to do an art trade with you, if ever you are interested, the link to my gallery is in the link below if you want to take a look.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
As for the story it self I love the premise and how you are going about it, but it was still a slugfest to read though the whole, with the bland writing, I do get that you are still learning to write so I won't badger you too much on it. One huge thing that I would suggest that would help in improving adding more verity in describing the OC's actions would be to look up proper like a 'nelson', 'uppercut', 'dropkick' and all the rest. Also, what I find that helps with describing a good scene would be to make it sound more visceral in sensations of touch, smells, sounds and, pain, with using a lot of hyperbolic expressions like 'bone shattering', 'lightning blow' and so forth you can get a lot of great stuff with that. I hope it helps and wish you good luck with this story and your art.
9561121
Uh-huh...
For the opening credits song, how about a parody of:
9564775
What's the name of it just out of curiosity?
9564845
Don’t stare at the sun by Bad Lip Reading.
9565398
I'll check it out when I get a chance.
As a half brony half Mortal Kombat fan, I approve of this krossover! Keep up the good work!
9566554
I plan to... also that song you showed me... its not technically what I would go for.
9566591
What kind of song do you have in mind for the opening credits?
9567283
Two options... this-->
And possibly a parody of this-->
9567555
Well, parody the one you think would fit the plot. I guess you could parody Don't stare at the sun for a party song.
9567689
Maybe.
Is it perfect that the ad i got for this story is MK11?
9594035
Kinda.
There were a lot of parts where you spelled “wrist com” “wrist come”.
It seems out of character that the Flim Flam brothers would attack instead of run away after seeing Cyrax and Smoke’s skill. It also seems irresponsible that they would teleport Noob away to a random location instead of find a way to imprison him.
9619507
He'd easily escape a prison dude.
9619728
Still, they could have put him in an enchanted sleep or something. Teleporting him away to a random location just means he's going to come back eventually.
Should be 'Mrs. Cake.' Ms. Cake would be her daughter Pumpkin.
9637977
Thanks for the heads up.
“Wrist come”?
9713065
DANG IT!!!
apart from a few typos, i'm still really enjoying this story! really liked the Cyrax and Smoke vs Noob battle; if i'm not mistaken, i believe you were inspired by Mortal Kombat Legacy: Cyrax and Sektor I've writen a fight scen that was inspired by this one too, though it was more from the beginning when Hydro was winning; but i digress.
9558827
yep, Flash Sentry is going to train with lui kang now, huh? that should be interesting. I can already imagine Big mac pairing up with Jax for training, that one's just obvious. Trixie, though... who would she pair off with? Jade, perhaps...? or Kung Lao? Yeah! Kung Lao! so Trixie can pick up on some of the sweet hat tricks that he can do. ...yeah, i'm a bit of a Trixie fan boy, so i'm really looking forward to seeing what you do with her.
10131378
Actually, I paired Trixie with Smoke, seeing that they're both escape artists with... smoke. No pun intended.
Bi-Han can only wish he was as badass as Alucard.
11068977
Guy can dream can’t he?
com
11171875
Got it.
you