Sky Dancer, the First Flying Unicorn

by Scroll

Prologue: A Tail Of How It All Began

Star Breeze nestled herself on the cloud to get comfortable. She made herself a pillow out of the cloud and laid on her back, facing toward the night sky above. Star Breeze lifted a hoof and squinted one eye shut as she measured the distance between the stars using her hoof as a marker. Using the appendage as a makeshift measuring tool was somewhat tricky, mostly because of the color of her coat. Her body was black foal speckled with tiny white dots. Her wings and tail matched the color of her hide. Whether it was day or night, she somewhat resembled the starry night herself. If it wasn't for her multi-colored mane, she would be invisible. Her mane which shifted from yellow locks above her violet eyes, red, deep purple clusters on her head and neck, and black strands on her back, which gave a nice contrast to the night sky. Star Breeze almost merged with the background whenever she soared against the breeze under the starry night sky. When her mane was tied in a ponytail, the white tips of her hooves were the next best giveaway to a keen observer.

Whether it was because she had the color of the night sky, or simply her name, Star Breeze found she had a fascination with the stars. She loved how they sparkled and twinkled. It wasn't just their beauty that drew her to them but genuine curiosity as well. The nearby telescope was a testimony to that. She could never get enough of it. Often, she would imagine that the stars were composed of specks of pure magic sparkling. That, more than anything else, was what gave the stars such an intense allure for her. By understanding and becoming one with the essence of the stars, she could also, accordingly, master magic itself. That was the idea, at least. If one concept was tied to the other, she reasoned to herself, then by mastering one, she could also master the other.

Daddy should be home soon, Star Breeze thought to herself. It's been four days, at least. I don't know. Days seem to slip by like a breeze. Tonight it will be worth it. Tonight I'll get him to confess. Tonight he'll tell me everything on how he did it. How he managed to fly. Maybe, if I can learn how he did it, then I can learn how I can accomplish my own goals.

Star Breeze grew a confident, even cocky, smirk. My family laughs in the face of impossibility. Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Take that, you lousy logic! Pow! Ka-pow! Right in the muzzle. That'll teach you not to tell me what I can and can't do.

She crossed her hind legs, bent at the knee, and dangled them in a cozy, lazy manner. She hummed to herself somewhat to help occupy her mind. In truth, she was trying desperately not to get too impatient, but that's a hard lesson for any young foal. She then squinted irritably as she thought to herself, Darn it, what's taking him so long?

To the west, the moon's light peeked around a black cloud. Well, black, at least, from a night-time perspective. When the moonlight touched her face. It drew her attention to the west for a brief moment. There, unmistakably, was the partially concealed moon during its full lunar phase. A moon that seemed to have the image of the side of a mare’s head on it just as it had always been for many centuries. Star Breeze, saw it that way her entire young life and, as such, regarded it as downright normal. The only thing that made it look a little strange was her perspective in viewing it. Looking at it towards the west while her hind legs faced south and with her back on the cloudy ground, it made the moon and the cloudy ground look upside down. If the moon was all one single light she wouldn't have noticed, but the face of Nightmare Moon seen upside down made the moon look a little strange. So strange, actually, that she decided to roll over while keeping her deep violet eyes locked on the moon. Likewise, it made the moon seem to reverse itself, now looking right-side up.

That's better, she thought to herself, then gave an impatient sigh. Cheese and biscuits, I hate waiting! I hate it! I hate it! Besides, why wonder when I can just ask him?

Star Breeze sat up straight and closed her eyes. She concentrated for a moment then whispered out under her breath, “Father, where are you?” Right after saying that she felt a gush of wind carried her words away. Several moments passed when she felt the wind return, this time with a message of its own.

“Look behind you,” advised a familiar voice carried in the wind.

Gasping, she did. Upon turning, she grinned as she saw a familiar vortex of wind spiraling towards her. Some nearby clouds got swept up in its wake. From the eye of that storm, a unicorn emerged and gained more distinctive detail the closer he got. It was her father alright, a light-blue coated unicorn with a long white flowing mane.

He flew at her with his cloak held spread apart all four legs. By contacting and forcefully spreading it apart, he effectively made a flying apparatus of a glider. Its fabric was made of clouds magically condensed to become much more solid and permanent in form. When Star Breeze's father flew near her, he swooped up for a moment. He was so fast, she lost visual track of him for a few moments. Then he descended like a meteor crashing down on the little island of clouds Star Breeze was perched on. Upon landing, an intense whoosh of wind blew in every direction past Star Breeze. Under the force of that explosion of wind, the cloud under his hooves spread apart, forming a crater where he landed. He bowed down and waited for his cloak to settle around him, then he glanced up and smiled fondly at his daughter with kind and gentle yellow eyes.

“Happy birthday, Star Breeze,” her father said pleasantly after he settled.

“Took you long enough,” Star Breeze complained with a pouty face. “Mother and I have been waiting all night.”

“I'm sorry,” her father apologized. “It wasn't my intention to annoy you. Today least of days. I'm here now. Let us commence with the festivities.”

“Now that's what I like to hear!” Star Breeze cheered. “Let's go!”

When her father trotted out of the cloudy crater, the surface regenerated and flattened out under the influence of the subtle spiral of wind. It was another byproduct of his magic. It was an act so easy for him that his horn didn't even glow. Well, maybe just a little. The sight of this wasn't a mystery to Star Breeze. Most other ponies would be perplexed but she was all too familiar with her father's antics.

It wasn't her father's magic that she was most happy about. It was his presence. Star Breeze had missed him dearly. She happily pranced over to their home which appeared to be a shack sticking out of the clouds. There was a lot hidden beneath the structure since it was actually the top of an enormous airship. It was parked since it was the offseason. Unlike normal zeppelins, however, this airship was mostly made of clouds to hold it aloft but it had solid construction within it for the other passengers who were not pegasi.

Her father veered to his left so that his path line joined with hers along their way back to their home.

xoxo

“Mmm! That was delicious!” Star Breeze cheered happily as she settled her plate back on to the table.

“Glad you enjoyed it,” her mother happily responded as she collected the empty plate with a sweep of her brown ombre wing with black tips, a color scheme which was shared by her mane, tail, and hooves. Unlike Star Breeze's father, her mother was quite a bit taller and larger. In fact, the comparison between the two seemed quite extreme since her father was on the smaller side and her mother on the larger side. Large but lean, with her mother's muscles tightly compact across her body. There was a lot of power behind those hooves. If any pony felt its full impact, they would not likely continue to have a good day. “Considering we only have this moment to share this together as a family on this most auspicious day, I'm glad to say we have at least this time to spend it together.”

“You're leaving tonight? Already?” Star Breeze's father asked her mother with a moderate amount of surprise. Clearly he wasn't shocked but he didn't exactly expect this either. He also sounded a bit disappointed. He just got back himself an hour ago, after all.

“Yes. I have to,” Star Breeze's mother confirmed as she delivered Star Breeze's empty plate over to the sink via a straight wing then unceremoniously dumped it into the sink. “I was a little surprised as well that they called me in for another shift this soon, but they did. When duty calls I cannot delay. Lives are potentially on the line.” Star Breeze's mother looked back to look at her father with her brown-rimmed eyes. “You know how it is.”

Star Breeze's father frowned just a bit as he said, “All too well, I'm afraid. My work is convenient but rarely as essential as yours, at least potentially.”

Star Breeze's mother looked taken aback. “Not essential? Your work is weather control all across Equestria, not to mention the occasional dignitaries and passengers we deliver on this little boat of ours. The work they do can be quite important and a speedy delivery could actually save lives sometimes.”

“Okay-okay!” Star Breeze's father relented with an upraised hoof to suspend any further debate. “Point taken, but remember . . . your job more directly concerns security. That and all the other stuff you do.”

“Yeah,” Star Breeze's mother agreed as she looked at the sink with a thoughtful gaze. “All the other stuff I do.”

There was a moment of silence between the three of them, then father asked his daughter, “So, my little Sunshine . . . what did you wish for?”

Star Breeze grinned at her father. That question was just the line of opening she was hoping for. “I wished I could cast magic . . . like you, father,” Star Breeze boldly declared.

Father passed Mother a coy grin because of that statement. Given his history, that statement was actually quite ironic. Mother passed the same look back to Father, equally amused for the same reason.

“Interesting declaration,” Star Breeze's father mused as he looked back at his daughter. “What you ask for, most other ponies would regard as impossible.”

“But we don't know the meaning of the word, do we?” Star Breeze returned with a cocky smirk. “I mean, you flew . . . right? There was a time when most ponies would have regarded that as impossible as well.”

“Your father flies using his magic and his cutie mark talent to assist him,” her mother announced. “That's why he can do it. You, on the other hoof, can't grow a horn where there is none to begin with.”

“Now hold on there,” Father told Mother in a cautious tone. “There are many forms of magic. Some she could master. If my life taught me anything, it's that anything is possible.”

“But not everything,” Mother reminded. “If that were true we wouldn't have any regrets, now would we?”

That question deflated Father's enthusiasm. He looked down in a bit of depression as he said, “True. That's all too true.”

After another silent moment between the three of them, it was broken first by Mother after a sigh, “But if anypony has experience in defying expectations, it's certainly you,” Mother said in a relenting tone.

“That's why I want to know how you did it,” Star Breeze declared as her look shifted from her mother to her father, “and this time I want the whole story, and I want it tonight.”

“Tonight is your bedtime,” Mother lightly scolded in a reminding tone.

“But I can't sleep!” Star Breeze complained as she dropped her face onto the table and wrapped both of her upper hooves above her head. “This question is killing me! You defied the impossible!” Star Breeze looked up at her father. “You proved that anything can be done. Why is my wish so different? You wanted to fly more than anything else in your life, and you did. Is my dream impossible? What did your role models tell you when you were a foal? Considering what you have accomplished since then, I really doubt they told you to just give up and settle.”

“Depends who you ask,” Mother said with a chuckle and a smirk. Shortly after she said that she sighed again and then said in a relenting tone, “I suppose she does have the right to know since she is our daughter and all. We always did plan to tell her anyway, and it's your turn to take care of her . . . as we agreed. If I can't take care of her and you can, since you're here and I'm about to take off, I'll leave the decision up to you. It's your story, after all. You choose how you wish to share it and to whom. Meanwhile, I have to go. See ya.” She strolled to her daughter to kiss her on the forehead. “I love you so dearly, Sweetheart. Happy birthday again. I'll see you again probably sometime in the morning unless the two of you end up staying up all night and pass out in the morning.”

“Actually, my story could end up taking several days,” Father theorized. “I was thinking I could take her out camping like I used to back in the day. Who knows?” Father shrugged. “Going there on my old stomping grounds might help her connect with her gift too just as it had with mine. If anything, it might serve as some kind of inspiration. I always did want to tell somepony this story and, when I do, I want to tell it right.”

“Camping?” Mother reflected as she lifted her head away from her daughter's forehead following the kiss. “How long do you two think you'll be gone? A week maybe?”

“If that's what it takes,” Father confirmed with a rare stern look to his eyes. It always excited Star Breeze to see it. Little did she realize her mother felt the same way. “If I'm going to do this then I will see it through to the end, however long that may be. I wonder if you still recall why this is important.”

“Can you afford that time?” Mother queried Father. “I know we're not tight for bits right now, but sometimes your duties are very important and can't be put off.”

“It's alright. I can afford the time,” Father said with a confident half-shrug. “If it turns out that's not true, your friends can contact me via the wind. Come to think of it, you can as well. Drop me a line whenever you feel like it, but I doubt I'll have to remind you where we'll be.”

“If you're serious about this, bring the stone,” Mother advised in a serious tone.

Father nodded with a meaningful look in his eyes as he said, “Agreed.”

“Why?” Star Breeze asked. “What's so important about that stone? You practically bring it with you all the time.”

The stone Star Breeze referred to was the one father often wore dangling around his neck, a three-tipped crystal with a reddish hue hanging on a string.

“I'll get around to that part too. I promise,” Father promised his daughter.

“You're really going to tell her that part too?” Mother asked Father in concern.

“She needs to know,” Father argued back to Mother. “It might be her responsibility too, someday. She should at least know what it is and where it came from. Before she decides on anything, I want her to be able to make an informed decision. Besides, she doesn't have to think about it too seriously right now. She still has some years to dwell on it, but the earlier that starts, the better.”

“I suppose you have a point,” Mother agreed, “but that knowledge is somewhat dangerous. You make sure she understands the full implications of it before she decides anything regarding it.”

“Right now I'm just telling her a story,” Father said back. “A story of my life. When it comes time for her to make her own story then she shall. In the meantime, it might help her to understand her legacy and what came before her.”

“That's understandable,” Mother said back, then sighed. “Well, I have to go. Take care, you two.”

“You know how to contact me if you have to?” Father checked.

“Of course,” Mother replied as she started to leave.

“As for you, little one,” Father looked at his daughter, “come with me. If you're going to hear this story to the full, I want to bring you someplace special to me. In a way, it's where my tale truly began.”

Star Breeze smiled eagerly as she said, “I can't wait!”

Author's Note:

The following is a fan fiction crossover of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Doctor Who. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro. Doctor Who is owned by BBC. Please Support the Official Release for each.

This story has been edited by Onyx Rose, and she has my thanks for helping me with this journey.

As of November 29th, 2019, Flutterjackdash has also started to help edit the story, to which I extend a major shout out in appreciation. Thank you, Flutterjackdash. If any of you reading this also want your stories to be edited, contact Flutterjackdash to take a look at it. Flutterjackdash also has fan fictions stories. Link is >>here<< if you are interested.

I would also like to thank Bad Dragon for his efforts in helping me edit this story as well. He has my most sincere thanks. HIs tough love strategy really helps the story to be the best it can be.

this story is inspired by the works of Pierce Smoulder and her works with Ponies with Pockets. She has my thanks for helping me get into the fandom with both MPL and Doctor Who, particularly the newer generation of both shows. I originally thought her work was a parody of both shows, but the later audio drams of hers prove that it is serious and entertaining stories that have helped to inspire this one. This story is also inspired by A Tale of One Shadow, The Fall of the Crystal Empire, and Lullaby for a Princess. Click the links to find a video/site for each one and check it out if you haven't already. All of these sources are canon to this story, though there are a few adjustments.

As a fair warning, the tone of the story is mostly PG instead of G rated like the show for it mentions a death in the family as early as chapter one. Both language and sexual content of this story is much tamer than most of my other stories (although lewd minds can make references with just about anything regardless of actual intent). However, when the villains show up, the story can momentarily sky rockets to R rating not because of language or sexual content but for gory violence and overall creep factor. Villains are villains, after all, and this story does not hold back with them although they, too, are capable of humor and pop culture references. In keeping true to the universe from which they are drawn upon, however, they usually also have traces of redeemable qualities. Since there are multiple villains, the intensity between them also varies, but I'll leave you as the reader to judge that. In terms of genre, this one is fantasy coming of age/follow your dreams story for the first 1/3^rd which eventually leads to adventure/science fiction for the final 2/3rds.

I never wrote a story this silly before this one, but it does draw on a source material that's capable of cartoon physics, especially when it comes to certain characters, but in general the tone of the story is pretty serious.

As of 4/1/2019 it's come to my attention that there is a blind reactor that is still reacting to and finishing up season 5 of MLP which came out in 2015, 4 years late, which caused it to dawn on me that I may have to warn readers about potential spoiler warnings within my own novel here so spoiler warning; finish up to season 8 of MLP first before finishing this novel. As for Doctor Who, if you're a fan following that series then finish up to the 10^th Doctor, the David Tennant era.

Welcome comments in review section, which seems to be the only way to leave comments on fanfiction.com

Comments

[HapHazred]

Righty ho. Got a tad distracted by New Year's.

I know this is just a prologue, but remember that it's also going to be the very first thing a reader will see when they open the story, so prologue or not, first impressions are vital. It's the first impression that will convince a lot of casual readers to keep on reading the remainder of the 300+K word story, so an awful lot is riding on it.

There are a few areas in which I think this chapter is kind of shooting itself in the foot. Leading with Author's notes is, whist a petty comment, is I think a rather salient one, since having to read or skip the Author's notes first effectively makes readers wait even longer to get into the first impression of the story. There's no real need for the author's notes at the start of a chapter, so I'd strongly recommend in future stories moving them to the end after a reader has had a chance to read the content.

I'm not a fan of using parentheses to indicate internal thoughts. I skipped ahead a little and saw that other characters had different sorts of brackets as well. I frankly don't see the point in doing this, since at the same time you make it very clear through prose who is thinking internally and there don't seem to be so many internal thoughts bouncing about that it really indicates a necessity to use additional, unconventional formatting to add another layer onto how the story is presented.

Aside from these, you do appear to be somewhat prone to odd choices of phrase. I won't list them all out here, but I think that if you don't do it already, you should consider trying to self-edit by reading the story aloud to yourself. This is a very helpful technique that allows your ear to pick up oddities that your brain (through your eyes) would otherwise gloss over (as it is prone to do).

In terms of a first impression, it was also a shame to see the opening paragraph be quite unimpressive:

Star Breeze nestled herself into the clouds to get herself comfortable. She stuffed part of the clouds under her neck to make a makeshift pillow. She then laid on her back facing up into the night sky. Star Breeze lifted one hoof above her and squinted one eye shut as she measured the distance between the stars using her hoof as a marker.

Your opening has a very dull structure, which I think presents an unfair first impression to your chapter as a whole. It goes 'She did this because this. She did that because this. She did this and this to do this.' I'm convinced there must be a more colourful way of describing this or a more colourful way of showing your main character. If she's examining the stars, perhaps describe them first, showing the reader how Star is invested in identifying and measuring them, fascinated in every detail. Or something. Also maybe look at Provost's quote on sentence length; it's a very good quote and illustrates something you might benefit from:

“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”

- Provost

Note that in the quote he doesn't just use sentences of different length, but also brings in colourful and unique word choices as well.

Regarding how the chapter sets up character, I do think there could be some room for improvement. We're shown here that Star wants to learn magic, but I think it would help massively if we were shown why she wants this early on. This would set up the need for this conflict (wants magic, can't have it) in a way that's easier to be invested in it than just having Star effectively mention through dialogue that she wants to learn magic and wants to listen to her Dad's stories in order to get it.

In order to not be wholly negative, there were some things I thought this prologue did rather well. Through dialogue, we can see a bit about the family's living situation, and a lot of the worldbuilding (whilst not my favourite part of most stories) seems to occur organically through observations of the characters instead of in blocky exposition (for the most part). We get a time-frame, the tone sets the situation of the characters, and I believe this is done pretty smoothly, so I'm happy with that. : ) The dialogue is, also, I think fine and good, and doesn't feel stilted to me.

We'll see how the rest of the story evolves once we get into future chapters. I wanted to focus more heavily on this one, though, since as the first chapter, it acts as the standard-bearer for the rest of the story, whether it wants to or not.

Good luck! : )