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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I’ve been following this story for a while and it’s pretty good. However, there are some areas in your dialogue and prose that could be improved. Take this quote for instance.
In this case, the period should be replaced with a comma, and the word “she” doesn’t need to be capitalized either. Here’s what it would look like if done correctly.
Here are some links that may help you. There’s also the Grammarly app that comes in real handy.
Unless his concern there was just to not wake up the others I hope they cleaned up after themselves a bit. From what you described here, and what I remember from David and Midnight, it got pretty messy. And that'll just be hard to explain later then ;)
As for doing it right after breaking the bad news to Eddie, I agree that them having sex was inevitable but they could probably have chosen a better moment, at the very least until they were off of that freezing mountain (although that does make for a pretty epic first time). Then again, if Jason's assessment of Eddie blaming him for Mike's death is correct, then I'm not sure if any time would be a good time for Jason and Tempest to get intimate with each other, at least for a little while...
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Hehe, it does tend to get a bit... messy, but not to worry. They have the whole night to fix that little issue.
The timing didn't seem off to me at all. From a biological standpoint, it is fact that mourning actually triggers reproductive urges. There is a reason cemeteries are so high on the list of outdoor places to bone.
From an emotional standpoint, they both just faced their friends, and their own, mortality. Being that close to death, in addition to the general stress of trying not to die, would inspire anybeing to want to be held as close as possible. A reaffirmation of life itself, and a way to tweak Death's nose(or muzzle), making reality a bit less scary.