Thoughts of an annoyed, overly-agitated displacer merchant

by TechnoNerd

Oh boy, today's definitely a good day to set up shop in your average, overly-generic convention that is in no way specific to any fandom! (OR IS IT?!)

I grunted as I hauled in today's shipment of plushies, staffs, prop guns, and other assorted crap. I do have a quota that I must meet as an owner of a merchant stand, after all. Just for the sake of messing with the kids, I decided to don my occasionally-used black cloak and mysterious mask of mysteriousness today...

...and hoo boy, was that a mistake. Apparently, the air conditioning broke the day before the convention, so I guess I'll just be fanning myself with pamphlets then. Times like these really make me wish I decided to pick up a desk fan on the way here.

...

...

Well, I'm bored. Time to lure some people in with the good ol' buy my crap and give me money schtick. I rummaged under the table in my boxes, throwing aside a couple daggers as I searched for my flashy advertisement sign.

"Ahem."

Oh? A customer already?

I peeked over the counter, making eye contact with some dude covered in generic anime memorabilia, complete with five fedoras. Stacked on top of each other. Don't ask me how or why, 'cause I don't want to know either.

Anyways, looks like I've got a guy already. Might as well see what they want.

"Waddya want?" I said casually, resting an elbow on the plastic table. "Lemme guess, body pillows? Cosplay material?"

"Actually..." The man began, sheepishly pointing down at my 'Displacer Services' sign, "I'd like... um... y'know..."

I nodded my head. "Ah, alrighty." I replied, cracking my knuckles, "Where to?"

The man sighed, shying away using his multitude of fedoras as he held up a map of Equestria.

"'Kay." I nodded again, jotting down some notes, "Any specific requests, or would you like to go as a generic pony?"

"Generic pony, please." The man whispered as he nervously eyed the area around him, "Could you please hurry?"

I shrugged. "I could... but why should I? I like taking my time with things."

"Please?"

I sighed, writing a few more things on my notepad before looking back to him. "Alright then. We'll just skip over the details, meaning that you won't have any specific powers, looks, abilities, et cetera. But first, I am required by contract to ask you to either buy an item, or otherwise leave. I don't offer my service for free, after all."

The man nodded, digging in his pockets and slamming a twenty-dollar bill on the counter. He scanned over my available wares, landing on yet another fedora. "I'll take that." He said, pointing at the purple feathered hat behind me, "It shall make a worthy addition to my collection."

I smirked as I took that hat off the rack. "A worthy addition, indeed." I replied, handing him the fedora. "Expect to take a few minutes before you wake up in the Everfree."

And with that, my first customer of the day vanished into the crowd.

Comments

[FTR2017]

Don't know... this chapter feels somewhat empty, like it could've shown more in his daily life.

For example, you could have gone in this route: a few minutes after the fedora guy scene, the displacer gets approached by another customer, who should be the classic image of an annoying, self-entitled and chauvinistic customer from a convention, plus points if you show his behavior as deeply annoying and creepy (or whatever cliche customer appears in conventions, since I never went to any), who also wishes to be sent to another world - only with hot chicks for his 'charming personality' to bond with and make a harem - buying a bauble from a handsome male anime character, thinking that he'll be automatically displaced as Mr. Hunk Guy instead of going there as Loser Maximus, Jr.

So, naturally, the displacer gives him his wish... without any advantages in terms of shape-shifting him into the hunk as the customer never specified that, leaving the ugly guy up a creek without a paddle - ideally with a scene cut about him getting persecuted for being an ugly alien.

Alternatively, if you're creative enough, you could portray briefly a truly alien Equestria - where the natives have miniature hooves in their fingers and toes, their feet are bipedal in nature and they are both naked and really furry - with the recently displaced freaking out at the incongruity of what he's seeing when compared to his furry, fetichistic tendencies where everyone looks like a human in colour with some 'kawaii' animal traits.

Bonus points if the displacer makes the remark that he wished for the wrong place, too - pointing briefly at the existence of Equestria Girls universe, too.

So, as the salesman's fuming about not having proper clients within the heat, but two guys whose purchasing average was 35 dollars...

Only to be approached by an even more annoying customer: the classic self-entitled edgelord who hates everything and everyone 'cause that's what's 'in', who also wishes to be sent elsewhere with the plethora of crap over him as the sources of his power to become the master of whatever universe he wishes to show them who's boss and to fulfill his most debased desires of wanton destruction and villainy, as his 'untapped potential' is wasted on this world.

Plus points if you take the path of the LOHAV - with the customer thinking that he deserves to show dah pones who's the boogie man, as they are an affront to masculinity everywhere.

My vote would be for that one to be sent to an ironic hell - like him ending up as an newborn earth pony filly of very girly colours without any of his 'entitled powers' to do as he wishes, with some final words from the Displacer about being careful with what you wish for, but you're the author.

I am no comedian, but I do try to take Mel Brooks, that wise man's words seriously for writing situational and absurd situations coming to pass: "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

So, you see... I'm kinda disappointed with this chapter - too short, fell flat, the joke's nowhere to be seen unlike the previous chapter. I know you can do better - I know comedy's not easy in the slightest, but this chapter is sad in terms of content and execution. I didn't even laugh once, unlike the previous chapter.

Like a guy on Discord's Writer Help stated: for comedy, exagerate things to the point where it's insane, or something in that spirit. *Shrugs*

I hope you take this feedback, and improve onto your work - since this chapter feels too short, with no buildup to a joke of any kind, without mentioning that you only focused on a sad cardboard of the 'Fedora Guy', when there are plenty of stereotypes to make a satire from besides the ones I described - which are among the most annoying, to be honest.

Well, I hope to read more from you - only this time with more reaction from the salesman to the madness of his customers, as this chapter fell flat and isn't funny in the slightest.

[TechnoNerd]

9048388
Alrighty, I'll try that with the next chapter.

[FTR2017]

9048519
Please, do not let me dictate how you do your story, as it was just an example of where you could have gone with the current chapter. Think of my comment as more of a 'what if', rather than a guide.

The only point I can see this current chapter relating to how most stories go is the brevity of the exchange before getting their asses displaced. Other than that... well, I can't honestly say. U_U

[TechnoNerd]

9048533
I'm currently going with a plan of starting off moderately tame, but as the day goes on weirder and weirder people begin showing up.

[FTR2017]

9048638
Ah. Thanks for the clarification.

[TechnoNerd]

9048656
Yup.