Overall, a good first chapter! It read well, drawing me in, with no spelling mistakes that I could see, although at the end Iron Cross says "Anyone", but AJ responds to it as "everyone" which are easily confused, and at the start, there are a couple lines that I got confused on since they didn't have a comma, but I'm a little bit excessive with my commas.
All in all, You, my good sir, have earned yourself a place in my bookmarked folder!
Well, at least he's not American / Allied. Another perspective is always a good thing.
Tips:
Comma use. You need more of them. Also, the action could have been described much better - sensory description such as the heat of the blast, the colour, etc.
985892 I tried my best to edit this because currently I have no editor. I'll probably go back and fix the little stuff. Thanks for the advice and glad you liked it
Heheh well I got kinda lazy there. I didn't want Iron Cross to start spouting German when he came to Equestria...that would have been a bit awkward. So let's just chalk it up to the Mr.Bean explanation: MAGIC
yeah but talking in english to fellow german soldiers does kinda make it wierd you have to admit. but i suppose he might be speaking german but we read it as english so that's fine there.
but to be honest it could have made a more interesting read if he didn't understand a word of what AJ said. but nevermind, i'm still going to see where this'll take me.
986045 I have some upcoming action scenes in later chapters so I can certainly do that. I do agree with you the allied perspective tends to get overused. I'm a total history nerd I go to WWII reenactments and the whole nine yards so I have a bit of a soft spot for the German perspective. Although I've always thought Rainbow Dash would look awesome in an ME-262
986355 To be fair Iron Cross was initially speaking German when he was a human, but I kept it in English for the sake of simplicity. Kinda like how all the actors in Enemy at the Gates spoke English but they were supposed to be Russian soldiers. Glad you enjoyed it
986363 A big part of the reason the Allied perspective gets used so much in WWII stories is because the Axis perspective is a lot harder to write in a positive light. Not to say that the Allies were innocent in the whole thing, they certainly weren't, but the German military was responsible for some fairly horrific acts on a truly staggering scale. Portraying someone who fought under the banner of the Nazi party and, knowingly or otherwise, supported the people responsible for those acts takes a lot more work than simply going with the common portrayal of "Allies are good, Axis is evil". I'm really looking forward to seeing if you can pull it off. Anyway, off to the next chapter I go....
just remember for all the pictures of the Allie soldier in the trench pissing himself with the caption " for his country" there is a german soldier in the same position. also if i read this right he is not a Nazi so hes just another soldier
Not trying to be an asshole or anything, just for your own edification, the rank of SS Major would be Sturmbannführer (or Assault Unit Leader) and the rank of captain would be Hauptsturmführer (or Chief Assault Leader). Also bear in mind that at least prior to 1933 (I'm not sure if this policy changed during the war) any rank over senior enlisted required Himmler's personal approval. You also had to prove aryan lineage. A lot of the worst war criminals came from the ranks of the SS... it is entirely possible for one of their mid level officers to be relatively clear of wrong doing, especially if he was promoted late in the war, but damn... you've gotta be really careful, you know?
Consistency and characters are almost in every fiction's problem list. Yours is no exception, but at least it is somewhat more controlled than others. It's very stupid for any writer to make Applejack give all her 100% trust towards Johann's explanation. Especially towards a pony she called a thief that didn't have enough evidence to prove it. Without a second thought too, let alone a thought for that matter...
Interesting. Looking forward to the cultural clash.
Overall, a good first chapter! It read well, drawing me in, with no spelling mistakes that I could see, although at the end Iron Cross says "Anyone", but AJ responds to it as "everyone" which are easily confused, and at the start, there are a couple lines that I got confused on since they didn't have a comma, but I'm a little bit excessive with my commas.
All in all, You, my good sir, have earned yourself a place in my bookmarked folder!
Well...that was cool! Looking forward to more my friend
This Sounds Interesting...
Please Continue..
Well, at least he's not American / Allied. Another perspective is always a good thing.
Tips:
Comma use. You need more of them.
Also, the action could have been described much better - sensory description such as the heat of the blast, the colour, etc.
seems legit
I'll read although it is a little strange that he can speak English rather than Dutch(German)
985892 I tried my best to edit this because currently I have no editor. I'll probably go back and fix the little stuff. Thanks for the advice and glad you liked it
Heheh well I got kinda lazy there. I didn't want Iron Cross to start spouting German when he came to Equestria...that would have been a bit awkward. So let's just chalk it up to the Mr.Bean explanation: MAGIC
yeah but talking in english to fellow german soldiers does kinda make it wierd you have to admit. but i suppose he might be speaking german but we read it as english so that's fine there.
but to be honest it could have made a more interesting read if he didn't understand a word of what AJ said. but nevermind, i'm still going to see where this'll take me.
986045 I have some upcoming action scenes in later chapters so I can certainly do that. I do agree with you the allied perspective tends to get overused. I'm a total history nerd I go to WWII reenactments and the whole nine yards so I have a bit of a soft spot for the German perspective. Although I've always thought Rainbow Dash would look awesome in an ME-262
986355 To be fair Iron Cross was initially speaking German when he was a human, but I kept it in English for the sake of simplicity. Kinda like how all the actors in Enemy at the Gates spoke English but they were supposed to be Russian soldiers. Glad you enjoyed it
986140
I agree with you though Dutch and German are 2 different languages :)
986363 A big part of the reason the Allied perspective gets used so much in WWII stories is because the Axis perspective is a lot harder to write in a positive light. Not to say that the Allies were innocent in the whole thing, they certainly weren't, but the German military was responsible for some fairly horrific acts on a truly staggering scale. Portraying someone who fought under the banner of the Nazi party and, knowingly or otherwise, supported the people responsible for those acts takes a lot more work than simply going with the common portrayal of "Allies are good, Axis is evil". I'm really looking forward to seeing if you can pull it off. Anyway, off to the next chapter I go....
just remember for all the pictures of the Allie soldier in the trench pissing himself with the caption " for his country" there is a german soldier in the same position. also if i read this right he is not a Nazi so hes just another soldier
986339 do you mean "Deutsch"?
Not trying to be an asshole or anything, just for your own edification, the rank of SS Major would be Sturmbannführer (or Assault Unit Leader) and the rank of captain would be Hauptsturmführer (or Chief Assault Leader). Also bear in mind that at least prior to 1933 (I'm not sure if this policy changed during the war) any rank over senior enlisted required Himmler's personal approval. You also had to prove aryan lineage. A lot of the worst war criminals came from the ranks of the SS... it is entirely possible for one of their mid level officers to be relatively clear of wrong doing, especially if he was promoted late in the war, but damn... you've gotta be really careful, you know?
gah i thought this was gonna be a good fucking fanfic til you made him a pony, better take the human out of the title
Y U NO STILL HUMAN!?!? http://cheezburger.com/6664259328
Consistency and characters are almost in every fiction's problem list. Yours is no exception, but at least it is somewhat more controlled than others.
It's very stupid for any writer to make Applejack give all her 100% trust towards Johann's explanation. Especially towards a pony she called a thief that didn't have enough evidence to prove it. Without a second thought too, let alone a thought for that matter...
This is, new... I bet he will get along with rarity just niceley
1835553 You should be the author's proofreader or something.