Strange Alchemy

by Starscribe

(E1) Chapter 3: Quicklime

Falling was nothing new to me. Flying wasn’t exactly my special talent. But I’d never tried falling down a trapdoor at the bottom of a fancy dungeon before.

I don’t recommend it.

I smacked into the walls more than once, conscious of a distant gray glow and a squealing unicorn in the dark space with me. It sounded like Calico was running through the entire repertoire of profanity, and she was surprisingly colorful.

Non-flying ponies were all the same—a bit of a drop, and they were tumbling wildly, completely disoriented and utterly useless. The fact that Calico had managed to keep her horn glowing through all this was impressive in itself.

Of course, if I kept falling for much longer, I was going to hit something hard enough to do damage.

I spread my wings, angling into a dive that would catch Calico in my forelegs. I heard something tear as I smacked into her—but ignored it. Her screams gave me a good enough picture of the shaft to know that we were running out fast. Whatever was waiting for us at the bottom was hard and sharp.

One of her spinning hooves almost clipped me in the face, but I leaned to the side, and she only got my shoulder. Didn’t matter. “Stay still, princess!” I yelled, wrapping my forelegs around her as tight as I could. Then I spread my wings the rest of the way, catching as much of the air as I could.

The jerk of so much weight felt like it might rip my wings right off my back. I whimpered in pain, kicking out with my hind legs. But kicking didn’t slow us down. The ground was coming fast whether I liked it or not.

Sound told me there was a clear patch a little way out, and I aimed for that. We hit.

That would’ve been the end, if I hadn’t been fighting to slow us down until the last possible second. But instead of breaking every bone in our bodies, we bounced and rolled together, tearing Calico’s dress to shreds and getting thoroughly tangled.

Then we stopped, collapsing in a pile of limbs and bruises.

“I change my mind,” Calico said, after a few moments of heavy breathing and pained silence. “You aren’t interesting. You’re dangerous. ‘Go ahead and kill us please!’ Let’s just go ahead and tell the most important mare in the underworld to buck it. That certainly won’t turn against us almost immediately.” She tried to pull away, but that was no easy task. I was on top of at least two of her legs, and the twitch only ripped her dress a little more. “Perfect. Just perfect. How are you even still alive?”

“I don’t usually deal with…” I trailed off, freeing my forelegs. I wasn’t exactly in a terrible hurry to get away from Calico, but I knew she was. If she yanked just the wrong way, she might end up tearing my wings. Then I’d feel it. “I’ve never gone straight for the throat of organized crime before,” I eventually said, rising to my hooves and brushing myself off. “I’m good at finding lost things. But usually it’s because someone actually lost it, or maybe some petty criminal got a little too greedy. Nothing like this.”

Considering the tumble we’d just taken, I was lucky nothing was broken. I let out a few clicks, ears poised to hear the response echoes. We were at the bottom of a huge shaft, maybe at the bottom of Canterlot itself. That was a damn long way down. There were some bits of meaty organic debris down here with us—didn’t take a genius to figure out what they were, and I didn’t want to get close. We weren’t the first ones to take that tumble, though we might be the first ones to walk away.

“Welcome to the big leagues,” Calico said from beside me, rising up onto her own hooves. Her horn began to glow, spoiling my adjusting eyes—but there wasn’t any light down here anyway, so that was no harm done. “I’d give you a bucking medal if you hadn’t just gotten us killed.”

“I didn’t.” I grinned at her, though the look was apologetic. “No harm done. And we learned something important.”

“Yeah?” Calico made her way over, tearing her dress again. With an exaggerated sigh, she just ripped it the rest of the way off. Only her stockings remained underneath. “And what in Tartarus was that? No wait, we’re in Tartarus now.”

“Canterlot Caverns, actually,” I said. “I can hear the crystals all around us. I can feel some fresh air too—fifty bits says we can walk that way and end up near Ponyville. Then we just catch the morning express back into town.” My eyes widened. “I’m gonna be late for work.”

“Right. Bat,” Calico muttered, as though that were saying something. “Of course you know where to find a cave. And you have a map memorized. But you didn’t tell me what you learned.”

That wasn’t an accident. I was in no hurry to share what I’d learned with someone of questionable allegiance like Calico. It seemed damn unlikely she was on the same side as the ones who’d just tried to kill us, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t dirty. Just working for a different monster, maybe.

“The one who wanted us dead, Delirium. I’ve seen that name before… on a ledger I stole from a Golden Bliss speakeasy. Pretty sure it was an upper-level supplier. But I don’t understand what artifact thieves would have to do with drugs…”

Fancypants was the one whose wife had gone missing—vanished along with who knew how many bits into one of those awful lounges. The one who didn’t want ponies asking questions about the Soma Opal was Supply Chain’s distributor.

“Way out is over here,” I muttered into the silence, pointing. “Might as well set off.”

We walked in silence for a time, through the gloom of the cave. There were crystals all around us, sparkling rose quartz and other lesser gemstones that might be worth my life savings if I could get them out of here.

Of course it was all owned by the crown, just like everything. I wouldn’t be making a fortune in prospecting. Even the nobles hadn’t dared mine anything from down here, they’d just used it to do their dirty work.

“Thanks for saving my life,” Calico said, her voice distant. “Ordinarily I’d get real friendly with a pony who did that. But you also almost got me killed, so it isn’t as good.” Pause. “I’ll let you ask me out. Say… tomorrow night. When you go digging around after whoever Delirium is hiding.”

“It won’t be pretty,” I muttered. “Delirium’s type, I mean… they’re not like the ponies you wanted us to see. There’s this bar I know, real rough place. All the worst ponies in town go there. Figure there’s some tuff who met someone who owed some money to Delirium. Might have to start a few fights to get ponies talking.”

“Sounds exciting,” Calico muttered, grinning sidelong at me. “I can’t wait to see you in action. Maybe you’ll seem less suicidal around ponies like that.”

“Maybe,” I muttered. This was my last chance to send her off—I hadn’t given her the name of the place. Of course, I’d already told her more than I should have. Damn tongue has a mind of its own around pretty mares. It had some other ideas of what to do to Calico, too. I’d have to make sure I didn’t get ahead of myself.

And think of an excuse at work. I’ve never been late before…

---

Work didn’t go well.

I’d always known this was a risk—that one half of my life might interfere with the other. But I always thought it would be the years of sleep-deprivation that finally did it in for me, not getting dropped down a mountain.

Needless to say, I didn’t tell anypony that part.

My supervisor, Dewey Decimal, wasn’t having any of it. “Look, Midnight. You do good work. You’re one of the best ponies I’ve ever had for the vaults. That attention to detail, that memory—I thought one day you might be my replacement for Secret Lore. But now you’re giving me second thoughts. I don’t like that.”

“Me neither, sir,” I muttered, looking away. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I can see you haven’t slept, Midnight. Why are you late, really?”

I hesitated, glancing once over my shoulder out of the office. Dewey Decimal was up on the top floor of the Archives, somewhere I rarely traveled. It was all noble ponies up here, with some kinda connection with the royal family. If they weren’t related to Celestia, they knew somepony who was.

“I lost track of time,” I muttered, shuffling uneasily. “I thought I’d be able to make it back into town before work.”

Dewey Decimal looked at me over his glasses, eyes narrowing. Then he shrugged. “I see. Well, Midnight, I had my secretary find your file for me. You haven’t taken a vacation day in three years.” He tapped the side of his head with one hoof. “Consider yourself on vacation as of the start of your shift. Don’t come back until you’ve worked this out. Understand?”

I rose from the uncomfortable chair, nodding respectfully. “I understand, sir.”

“Good.” He waved me out with a distracted hoof, and didn’t look back from his desk. I slipped out before he could change his mind.

Vacation. I’d made such a mess of things that they put me on leave. The Archives weren’t like working somewhere else in Canterlot—ponies lined up for years for the chance to work here. If I did something to blow my shot, I’d never get another.

I’ve got time saved up. I can use it to finish up this case. Despite my near-murder the night before, I was hardly discouraged. Dropping a bat down a hole into a cave was downright lazy as far as assassinations went. But I still planned on getting even. I’d never be able to reach the pony behind the counter—whoever it was would have friends so high up that guards wouldn’t even look into my report.

But I could catch the pony who’d ordered anypony looking into the Opal to be killed. Maybe before some other poor sap went looking who didn’t have the wings to fly out of it.

I didn’t go straight home, but detoured into an even nastier side of town. Where rows of houses settled on foundations so crooked the entire neighborhood leaned. I took off, not wanting my hooves anywhere near the street. I needed a little advice.

Quicklime’s door was on the third floor of one of the most precarious-looking flats, with several visible locks facing out at the street. I knocked twice with one hoof, paused, then twice more with the other before I rung the bell.

Then I heard an explosion.

A very quiet explosion, tucked away in the building. I glanced to the side, and sure enough a plume of something black was wafting out a rear window. Damn. He was working. Quicklime would certainly not be friendly with me now. I had half a mind to fly away right then, wait for him to cool down.

But that was my knock. He’d know it was me no matter how long I waited. I sighed, sat back on my haunches, and braced myself for him.

The door swung open a crack, catching on a chain with links almost as thick as my hooves. “What the buck do you want?”

Quicklime was an earth pony, his short mane swept back and stained black. A pair of goggles rested there, smeared with soot.

“Hey Quicklime.” I tried to smile up at him—but I didn’t feel much like smiling right now. He must’ve seen that, because his face twisted into a glower even darker than mine. “Have time for a consultation? I need your magic.”

“What you need is a damn shower. Maybe some manners.” He smacked the door closed. “You just cost me twenty grams of aluminum. You know how much that costs?”

I didn’t, but from how angry he sounded I could guess it was an awful lot of bits.

“I’ll pay you back!” I promised, voice desperate. “Come on, Quicklime. I’ve got a real interesting one for you this time.”

“Yeah?” He didn’t even open the door, though he had stopped. I didn’t hear hooves walking away. “Prove it.”

I pressed my muzzle right up to the mail slot, whispering into it. “I’m searching for the Soma Opal. Ever heard of it?”

The reaction was immediate. I heard locks started sliding open, one after another. It took Quicklime almost a full minute to get the door open. Eventually it did, and he stepped to the side. The inside of Quicklime’s flat was thick with the smell of something burned. “You aren’t leading me on?” he asked, suspicious. “Someone stole the Opal from the Archives? You got a royal case?”

“Not… exactly,” I muttered, once I was inside. “Got loaned out to a magic expert. But the rich pony thought it was a good idea to put it on display while he was studying, and I guess somepony heard about it.”

“Typical,” Quicklime muttered, rolling his eyes. “Bits for brains, all think the same way.” He slid past me, locking up the door secure enough that the Equestrian Army would have trouble getting in. Only when it was secure did he finally turn around. “Well Midnight, what did you think you needed me for? Unless you brought the thing here to help with my alchemy… which I’d be very excited to hear… but I can tell from the way you smell that isn’t the case.”

“The way I…”

He nodded. “Someone dropped you in a well, didn’t they? Finally stuck that pretty face into somepony’s business who didn’t want you there.”

“Canterlot Caverns, actually.” I grinned at him. “I think they actually expected it to work. Killing a pony with wings with a long fall… stupid.” I turned, following the direction of the smoke to the lab. “I think I’m going to need more antidote,” I called, expecting him to follow.

And he did, slipping past me before I could make it halfway to the lab. The ancient floors creaked under our hooves, shifting with the weight of years.

The lab itself was familiar to me, right down to the clouds of caustic smoke. Glassware lined the walls, and a shelf on one wall was completely covered with tiny boxes. I’d long wondered where Quicklime got the bits to pay for all this, but he’d never answered.

“You want more… that means it worked,” he said, approaching a complex distilling apparatus and nudging it with one hoof. “You found your Jane Doe.”

I nodded. “Exactly as intended. I’ve never seen a pony recover that quick. Not that I didn’t expect success. You haven’t led me wrong before.”

Quicklime went to work in front of me, his motion practically a blur as he dug through vials and drawers, turned up the heat on a burner, never stopping for a moment.

“So how do you know about the Opal?” I asked, sitting down on my haunches to watch. “Ever since I started searching for it, it seems everypony knows more about it than I do.”

Quicklime glanced over his shoulder at me, annoyed. “Alchemy, obviously. The Soma Opal is one of the six perfect reagents. Purity, to be precise. It might have lots of other properties, but that’s why it would matter to me. So far as I know, that was all that was ever discovered about it.”

I could feel the wheels turning in my mind. I’d heard the Soma Opal had something to do with mind magic—how could it be an alchemical object as well? Unless those weren’t mutually exclusive. Maybe that was what a “perfect reagent” was?

This case was more connected than I’d thought. “I gave you that sample of Golden Bliss, do you still have it?”

Quicklime nodded, confused. “Yeah, why?”

“Do you think there’s any chance the Opal was used to make it? Or… distill it? Maybe by an alchemist like you?”

Quicklime stopped what he was doing, staring at me. He moved in a rush, darting over to the other side of the room, removing the little vial of the stuff I’d given to him when I needed an antidote. Half of it was empty now—probably used on his analyzation table.

“Describe the symptoms for me again,” he said, holding it up to the light.

“Uh…” I took a deep breath. “Euphoria, contentment, confusion, memory loss, suggestibility…” There was quite a bit more—the side of the person actually experiencing it. If it made it hard to pee, I didn’t know. “Maybe some other things. That’s probably what I told you last time.”

“Well, the Opal doesn’t make anything,” Quicklime muttered. “It takes something you have and makes it purer. Pour water over it, and it’ll be the cleanest, most healing water you ever had. Take dirty brown oil, and it’ll be pure enough to fry some hay. Golden Bliss could be made that way. But if that’s true, the Opal would just be another step in the process. It still had to be refined from something.”

So maybe I couldn’t tie this whole thing up in a neat little bow, not yet. But there was probably something there. “I hear Bliss is like… all the fun and contentment you’d have spending time with friends and lovers. Ponies sometimes take it over sex. I wonder if there’s some kind of… friendship chemical they could refine.”

Quicklime shrugged, removing a vial of something blue from his apparatus. “Well, here you go. Antidote. It’s all you’re getting out of me today, so make it count. And if you find that Opal, bring it here. What I could do with just a few minutes in my lab…”

“No promises,” I said, snatching the vial and slipping it away. In reality I didn’t dream of letting him near it, not even for a second. Knowing Quicklime, he’d have the whole thing dissolved in a vat of oil of vitriol before the hour was out, and I’d be the one left to explain it to the princess.

He waved me out with one hoof. “Go on then. Don’t die.”

“Oh, and I’m grabbing some more boom-juice! I won’t tell them I got it from you!” I slipped out before he could object, ignoring his trail of shouted profanity.

---

Despite my boss’s kind wishes for me, sleep would have to wait. There was some old-fashioned detective work to get done before evening—digging through the ledger I’d found in Supply Chain’s place, comparing it with a few maps of the city. I had to call in a few favors at the precinct station to find what I was looking for… Delirium’s hideout.

It was almost nightfall then, but I managed to get a quick nap before it was time to head out for the bar.

I made it to the Drowned Mare before Calico did, and took a seat at my usual table with my usual refreshment.

“Busy night?” Swill asked, as he slid over a full glass of mango juice. I sipped it with glee, nodding emphatically. “Biggest of my career, Swill. When this is over, I’m gonna be a big shot. My name will be up in lights.”

“Just as long as it ain’t in the obituaries.” Swill nodded. “And you don’t bring no trouble to my place.”

He wandered off, trailing the smell of salt and alcohol all the way.

Calico didn’t keep me waiting long. I’d polished off my first glass and was working on my second when a gorgeous mare wearing orange silk stumbled in like a very lost tourist. I could feel all the eyes in the place lock on her—some sympathetic, others hungry. She was a mark plenty of ponies here wouldn’t let pass by.

I rose from my table “Good to see you, Calico!” I called, loud enough that everypony in the Drowned Mare would hear me. It was a statement as clear as any I could’ve made—she was off limits. “Come on, we’ve got a train to catch.” I ushered her towards the door, before she could get too interested in what was going on near the bar.

“Really?” she asked, as we slipped outside the door. “That doesn’t make sense. Delirium isn’t in the city?”

“No, she is,” I answered in a whisper. “But those are some rough ponies. None of them will try to mug you if they think we’re going together. They know I won’t let it happen.”

“My knight in shining armor,” Calico answered, her tone stretched far into mockery. “So where are we going?”

I pointed away from the main thoroughfare. “There’s a sewer access down here. It connects to another part of the Canterlot Caverns—one that doesn’t lead to our demise. I’m pretty sure Delirium is making the stuff there, or at least importing it through there.”

“Cool,” she said. We walked in silence for a few seconds, quiet enough for me to keep checking over my shoulder and make sure we weren’t being followed.

“Do you actually have a plan? For when we get there?”

I nodded.

“And you… Are you going to let me in on this plan?”

“Get the Opal,” I said, thinking back to the vials I’d brought from Quicklime. “No offense, Calico, but the less I tell you about it, the less that they can get out of you if you get caught.” Or if you’ve been on their side the whole time.

I didn’t really think that, not after she’d been dumped out of the world with me. But I couldn’t be sure, and I wasn’t about to gamble my life on a pony I couldn’t trust. If we got out of this tonight, I would probably trust her… but if we got out of this, Calico would be back to a life of luxury, and I’d probably never see her again.

I stopped at the metal grate to the sewer, sticking out my wing to block her. “Calico, I think this is your stop. This has been fun, but… somepony tried to kill us last night. This isn’t your case. There’s nothing for you here.”

“Not quite nothing.” She grinned sweetly at me, walking past me in a way obviously meant to let me feel every inch of her. And I did—but I didn’t let it distract me, honest. I was too professional for that. “I haven’t proved my innocence yet, Midnight Oil. If I go in there with you, I can. Maybe become a bit of a national hero too, while I’m at it. Even if there aren’t any bits in it for me, the publicity will be huge. Think about it, Midnight. You want to be a big investigator. You don’t want ponies all over Equestria learning your name, your face. You don’t want every criminal out there to shut things down and run away the moment you show up.”

“I… I guess not. I’m not really following you.”

Her grin got wider. “We finish this together. You get your payoff from Fancypants, and he puts in a good word for you with all the ponies who matter. Meanwhile, I’m the one who goes into the tabloids. Private eye Calico, super sleuth from Mazuma. The elite will eat it all up—”

“And you reap the rewards. All the interviews, the exclusives. We really shut down Golden Bliss, and you’re practically a national hero.”

“Shut down Golden Bliss?” she repeated. “What does that have to do with the Opal?”

Damn those hips. I hadn’t told her my suspicion, and I hadn’t really planned to. “Nevermind,” I muttered, looking hastily away. “I see your point. Maybe it’s a good idea. If anyone wants you to investigate anything else, you could send them my way. And you deal with all the fame, so I can keep working. That doesn’t do us any good if Delirium has something more deadly than a hole hidden away down here. If you die and it’s my fault.”

“We won’t, trust me! I know that look—you’ve got a plan. Bats are sneaky, I’m sneaky. We don’t have to fight anypony if we just sneak the Opal away.”

Something moved behind us. I saw it out of the corner of my eye, feeling it before I registered it on a conscious level. Our little corner of the alley was suddenly packed with ponies, all watching with grim expressions. Few of them had drawn weapons, but all of them were wearing some, tucked cleverly away.

“You’re coming with us,” said a stocky stallion at the front of the group, looking like each of his hooves could hold up a building or two. “Back it up, nice and slow. Don’t make us ask unkindly.”

I raised my wings, spread in a universal sign of surrender.

Comments

[Doppler Effect]

"I wonder if there’s some kind of… friendship chemical they could refine."

Refined from changeling magic, maybe? The drug kind of sounds like what changelings feed on distilled into physical form.

[LostArchivist]

8959204
I keep thinking that.

[djthomp]

I can ship it, hopefully we get shipping and not death and/or betrayal.

[Yami Vizzini]

Ah, Midnight still gets no breaks. Even with a boss considerate enough to give her one.

At least, if they're being taken to big bad Delirium this early, she probably is interested in this situation but not the true culprit. But we'll just have to see how things go....

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well. That could've gone better. Really not sure what to think of Calico, but I don't trust her any farther than I can throw her.

As for Golden Bliss, part of me can't help but wonder if it's purified from something disturbingly innocuous. Say, apple cider.

[Xanni]

"My eyes winded" is a typo for "My eyes widened".