New World
I seem to fall into reality, in a way of describing it. I find myself on my knees, and I look up to see a very odd sight. Six colorful ponies with necklaces on. Pegasi and Unicorns as well, creatures of myth. Not to say that everything I’ve seen today is normal by any standard. This still takes second place.
The orange one starts to speak, “Uh, Twilight, what’s that?”
One of the unicorns answer, “I have no idea.” It starts to slowly approach me, “Hello? Can you speak?”
I shoot to my feet, and start to back away, holding out a single hand, “Stay back! Don’t come any closer!”
She stops, “Okay, I won’t. What’s your name? Do you know your name?”
I don’t put my hand down, “Aus- Avatar! Just stay the fuck back!”
She doesn’t move, as I requested, “Please just put down your hand. I think your bleeding, we can heal you.”
I reach up to the side of my head, and feel dried blood on my hair. The wound below is closed, though, “Where am I?!”
She smiles, “Ponyville. Equestria, if that is what you meant.”
One of the Pegasi step forward, a yellow one, “Twilight, maybe I could talk to him?”
The unicorn nods, and trades places with the pegasus.
She calmly smiles at me, “Mister Avatar, I’m sure we can fill you in on everything back in the library. I know my friend, Rarity over here would love to wash your clothes for you.”
I step back, “Oh yeah, I’m sure you just want to talk, don’t you! Huh, with your little friend over there with her wings spread out!”
The pegasus looks at her fellow, “Rainbow, really? Put your wings down.”
I take this time to shout out a question, “I don’t know where the hell I am, so let me ask you a simple question! How far away is America? United States, if you prefer!”
She looks back at me with confusion evident, “A-mare-ica? I’m sorry, but I’ve never heard of it.”
I back away further as she takes a step forward, “What date is it then?!”
She stops, and thinks it over, “Oh, well, I didn’t exactly check the calendar this morning, sorry. Twilight, do you know?”
Twilight nods, “It is the eleventh of Discord’s Feast, One thousand and One C.R.”
I nod, “Okay, okay, fantasy timescale yet still the same day.” She takes another step forward, and I rush backwards a few steps, “Stay the fuck back!”
The orange pony slowly takes out a lasso, “He’s in hysterics, Fluttershy. There ain’t no way o’ gettin through to him. We should just restrain him until he gets back to workin’ order.”
I take quite a few steps once more, “Fuck you!”
The pegasus looks at me, and shakes her head, “You might be right. I don’t like harming him, but it may be for the best if we let him cool down. I’m sorry, Mister Avatar, but you might hurt yourself if you continue denying help. Applejack, please, try not to hurt him.”
She steps forward, rope in mouth, “Don’t worry a bit, sugercube, only a scrape at most.”
She throws the lasso at me, with the intent to tie me up, like a damned animal.
My flight or fight response activates, and brings something new with it. It is with some instinctual knowledge that I summon up a previously unknown power.
My hand moves up to her rope, intent on catching it. Instead, a burst of flame comes out. The fire consumes the rope, turning it into ash quickly. She drops her rope, “What in tarnation? Magic, huh? Guess a lasso won’t be enough. Rainbow, come on!”
Rainbow flies into the air, and tries to come down on me in a dive-bomb manuver. My second hand makes a swaying motion, and she starts to lose control in midair. The air seems to be controlled by me, ruffling all her feathers mid flight. With a final swat, the wind becomes an almost visible wall that shoves her out of the air, and into the ground.
My other hand moves only my fingers pointed in the other’s direction. Jerky motions, yet fluid, as if someone was holding a puppet show underwater. Her body seems to lose control of itself, with muscles bending this way and that. I cause her to trip with a very sudden motion.
They get up again, forcing me to face them once more.
I stomp on the ground, commanding it to listen. A rock flies up from the ground, which I push forward with a strong gust of air. In nails her on the forehead, sending her crashing to the group with a big bruise.
I direct careful flames towards the other, only aiming for her hat. I hit it, and distract her by doing it. I raise a wall of earth right next to her, and command her to slam her head into it. I also make sure to put her hat out with a breeze afterwards.
I then raise a wall of stone between me and the group, and run into a nearby forest.
———
I stop, and rest against a tree after a good hour of walking and running. I raise my hand, and see a flame appear when I hold it out and summon it forth. I sigh, and lean my head back against the tree.
My mind seems to recover given so much time to react. This is not Earth, so much is apparent. This world is dangerous, unknown, untrustworthy. I can’t risk showing any weakness to these people. I need to find a way home... no, home is gone. If the World Trade Centers can collapse, then the entire nation will collapse soon. This world may be unknown, but at least it is better than the certain death should I go back. Maybe they hit everything else as well? Capitol, White House, Washington Monument, Disney World, hell, maybe even the Lincoln Memorial?
No, I must stay in this world, and I need to become something else. Austin exists no more, he showed weakness with fear and anger. He was a child, one crushed underneath the boot of history. Now... now I am Avatar. Always seemingly carefree or just blunt. Always strong, using the knowledge I have collected to succeed. All that reading will pay off now... now that I have the power to use it. Voice has to go to. Floridian accent is weak. Britain, my ancestors were from there. British accent, yes, that seems like the way to go.
“Hey!”
I jump a tiny bit in shock, and turn to face the voice. A manticore. A bloody manticore out of myth. I laugh a bit, “Bloody hell there, mate, you scared me near to death!”
The giant cat smiles, “Oh, you understand me? Cool! Hey, what’s your name?”
I smile, “Name’s Avatar, mate, what’s yours?”
It shuffles it’s paws, “Oh, well, I don’t have a name.”
I nod, “Well, I need something to refer to you by. How about, say, Erwin?”
“Erwin?” He takes a second to listen to it, “I love it! Oh, thank you so much!”
He scampers all around, and I hold up a hand to calm him down, “So, what’s a manticore like you doing out here? Where’s your mates?”
He stops, and sulks, “They left me behind, kicked me out the pack. Said I acted to much like a cub for my age.”
I smile, and calmly pat his head, “Hey, don’t look so down there, mate. Your a lion with wings, I don’t think you should worry about acting your own age. After all, optimism and innocence are very important.”
He smiles, “Thank you. What about you? I’ve never seen one of you before. Do your travel in packs too?”
I shake my head, “Nah, more like the ponies than manticores apparently. We socialize in cities and towns, not packs. You aren’t going to see another like me. Safe to say I’m far away from home. I was just traveling south in search of work.”
Erwin tilts his head, “But you were going west when you came in?”
I shrug, “Forest is very confusing. I don’t exactly have wings to fly my way out of here, so I just had to keep on walking.”
He smiles, “Oh, oh, I have wings!”
I nod, “Yes, yes you do. Say, Erwin, how would you like to come with me? I’m sure wherever there’s work for me, there’s work for you. You do need something to do now anyway, and traveling with mates is better than traveling alone.”
He nods, and jumps around, “Yes! Oh, this will be so much fun! An adventure, woohoo!” He then stops, and lays down, “Climb on, Avatar, we’re flying!”
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8883115
You still need to add a Self Insert tag. This is very clear self insert.
This is a poor excuse. Never say, "It'll be explained later." because that gives me no insentive to read on. I can give my character 100 super powers and say it's explained later, but if it doesn't make logical sense in the beginning, the entire story collapses around it.
1) Pinkie and Discord are on completely different power levels. Pinkie is still mortal.
2) No. I don't care who gave him his powers, have the Flying Spaghetti monster do it for all I care. I care about the why from a story perspective. He doesn't need them, it's to fulfill a self-insert fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's akin to jackin' off. Healthy release of catharsis.
Bu let me put it bluntly. Don't jackoff in public, it just leaves a strange taste in people's mouths.
Then that's poor writing. Go back to the drawing board and try again.
8883499
I'd advise you to skip it. It's not worth it, likely won't receive too many updates, and, frankly, as the author has pointed out himself, will lack coherency. He's going for a grandiose story but doesn't have a plan or a map to guide him. The author is flailing blindly.
If he wishes to improve. he'd get an editor and try a different idea, but what can you do.
8884275
I don’t know where you got the idea that I have no plan, for that is false. I have a plan, I write accordingly. Every day almost, a new chapter comes out, so I do update it constantly. And I do not know where you got the ‘no coherency’ idea either, maybe you could point that out? After all, I’d like to make sure that there is nothing here so I’ll continue to get insulted.
I get the feeling that the ponies are going to get smacked in there now how eventually.
8884275
OK, first off, not all stories are perfect, you can give him critic to improve, but you can rightly fuck off if your going to out right insult the story.
8884275
Second off, who's to say any work you do/will do are perfect?
8884556
Where did I get that idea?
This implies a discovery writing style, where you put in whatever you think is fun, coming out as random. It doesn't suit itself to long epics, most of the time. I don't mean it as an insult, just a prediction. If you prove me wrong, good.
8884822
I did give honest and blunt critique of the story, pointing out mistakes in the writing. I used specific examples and explained myself on the points that needed explaining. If you see that as insulting to the story, well, I can't dissuade you.
8884825
I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for less holes than swiss cheese. I know I'm not the best writer, and accept that, but even I can get grammar done right and describe a scene. I have editors and others to critique my writing so I can improve. If I assumed I was perfect, I'd pump out story after story and not care about quality.
I'd advise you not to try strawmanning my arguments. I never once mentioned perfection, but you latched onto that idea.
8885077
... OK yeah, the perfection thing was mostly in my head, but still, the way you worded it was rather rude... and I know I no longer have room to talk, considering.
8885077
When I said the ideas came randomly, that was a joke.
I mean, most ideas for character interactions, general plot, and jokes come without warning, or by talking to friends.
Now, I would like to apologize for Brony S Class. I do not like that attitude, and I prefer to stand up for myself. What he did was his decision, just know I don’t support it.
And just in case you don’t know the type of writer I am, this is NOT a long epic. This is a puzzle piece, not a picture, if that makes sense.
Basically this, and other stories, are simple plot to establish characters and have fun. This character will not do that much here, as it will be a short story. Wich means under 100,000 words, short. The only epic I will write shall be the final story in the Champions arc, others are here to know character.
I appreciate you commenting your digressions (unlike most) and I shall thank you in advance for taking responsibility. But I still will respond if I disagree.
And for the whole grammar thing, there are two things about that. One, I don’t want editors as it does not fit my style (that style being, wait til eleven and then post right after your done, all for fun.) and two, my mind automatically corrects grammar and spelling, so it’s hard to see mistakes.
8885124
I’m gonna say, that before was rude and uncalled for, because he at least commented why he didn’t like this.
But you’ve apologized, so all’s forgiven.
8885387
I... actually haven't directly said it...
8885077
... I'm sorry for my rude comment.
8885421
Its all fine, you’ve realized your mistake and apologized.
8885500
8885377
Ah, I see. My apologies, then.
Yes, this is what discovery writing is. It's on one side of the spectrum of writing. The other is architect/gardeners who work to create a story by cultivating it. They plan it out completely before writing and set it on rails, if you will.
Hm... I suppose I just didn't get the feel for that. My apologies for the assumption.
That's preferred, honestly.
Unfortunately, this mindset will only be to your detriment. Every writer wants to publish immediately. It's the good writer that has patience for his editors. Without them, you don't learn or get any clues on how to improve before posting. Even now the story still has numerous grammar mistakes that drag it down, making it less refined and, in totality, worse.
If you wish to improve, this is a mindset you need to get out of.
This is why people have editors.
As for the whole "UltimateBrony" thing... let me assure you, I didn't get insulted. It wasn't rude, frankly, if someone is fighting for your story and defending it, that's a note on how much they enjoyed your story. He could have gone about it a better way, but it came from a good place. I ask you not to judge him for it.
8885421
As for you, you weren't rude. You were reacting poorly, but believe me, I've dealt with much worse on this site than that. As such, I can't accept your apology as there's nothing to apologize for.
8885509
*blush intensifies*
Then... I'm sorry... for being sorry?
8885509
You are very, very nice! Honestly, shining example of what critics should be like!
Oh yeah, when you talked about it being diologe heavy. That is what I do. I do not build words, per say, but I build a overall multiverse instead.
I just write for fun, and for my friends to have something to laugh about. People enjoying it is a byproduct, not a focus. And if people don’t enjoy a story because the word honor is spelt wrong, than they are not my target audience.
And yes, this one will be a bit more plot heavy than say D.N.A, but it still is to set up the character mainly, and give a base for sequels.
And I understand Ultimate, in fact I like him standing up. Props to him! It was You he was talking to anyway, so I have no say. Him defending me is flattering, and I like it. I have no problem with it other than the way he said it, wich I’ve already said.
8885558
Well, there's nothing I can do to help you. If you do not wish to improve quickly, you'll just have to learn slowly. I would beg you to change your style, but I know how fruitless that is.
Good luck with the rest. If you ever change your mind and want to speed up your proficiency in writing, feel free to PM me.