Raze This Barn
"I'm not really that angry about this, Discord. I just need to get some closure on how this happened. Now, are you sure you had nothing to do with this?"
After confirming that whoever had snuck into her home was no longer present, Twilight finally got around to summoning Discord to her house for the sake of interrogating him about it. But, despite having a hearty chuckle after discovering exactly what had gone down, he remained adamant that it wasn't his doing.
"Heavens, Twilight, what do you take me for?" Discord floated over to one of the shelves and removed a certain book, taking a moment to giggle at the title. "While, yes, disorganizing your library is mildly amusing, it's frankly rather amateurish compared to the antics I've cooked up. Now, if the books sprayed water in your face when you opened them, that would be more reason to suspect me."
"I guess so," said Twilight, taking the book from him and replacing it on the shelf. "I don't mean to immediately blame you when something goes wrong, but I can't think of anypony else who would resort to home invasion for a simple prank. No one I know, at least."
"Well, perhaps that's not all they came for. Are you sure nothing was taken?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Spike and I looked very thoroughly, and there isn't a single thing of value missing. Not even a single book. Though, they did eat a piece of Spike's cake."
"Ah, yes. Never had much of a taste for gems, myself," said Discord. He snapped his fingers, and his head was adorned with a detective-type hat, while a bubble pipe had appeared in his mouth. "Well, Twilight, perhaps you have a stalker of some sort. That tends to happen with royalty, you know?"
"Does it? I've never heard of something like that happening with the other Princesses."
"Well, it isn't always the most kid-friendly subject. Though, then again, would a stalker break in to someone's house just to play a prank on them? I'm not even sure of that, myself," Discord said as he very intently blew some bubbles from his pipe.
Twilight and Discord eventually let their "investigation" of sorts carry them over to the other crime scene, that being the kitchen. Unfortunately, the thorough examination of this room proved to be even more fruitless than the last, if that was even possible.
"They swapped the labels on your jars without even paying attention to the size of them?" Discord was examining the jars while Twilight tried remembering if she had seen anyone suspicious today. "I must say, I'm quite disappointed in whoever did this. So much wasted potential."
"It's great and all that you think you could do better, but criticizing whoever did this isn't really gonna help us find them," said Twilight.
"Yes, yes, I know," said Discord, turning back to Twilight. "But I think you've exhausted your options, haven't you? You've done a thorough search of your house and you have a grand total of zero leads, aside from that spat-out cake in the trash. You just may have to live with never knowing who this was."
"I can't just 'live with' knowing someone broke into my home without knowing who it was or- Wait, what spat-out cake?"
"Why, that mushy chunk of chewed-up cake in the trash over there. With the intact ruby sticking out of it."
"What?!" Twilight walked over to the trash can and peered into it. "You could've mentioned that earlier, you know!"
"Well, we all could have done many things in our lives. But we don't dwell on them, now do we?"
Twilight just sighed and levitated the ruby out of the trash. "Well, you're right about one thing. This gem is intact. So, that proves the exact opposite of what I originally thought! Whoever broke in can't eat gems at all!"
"So," said Discord, "You've ruled out dragons, then, along with... absolutely nothing else."
"I... Yeah, I guess so. Shoot. We're back to square one."
Guy dashed behind the closest building he could get to in a desperate effort to get out of view of the general area around Twilight's castle. It took a moment for him to properly compose himself. That was quite a close encounter, after all. Eventually, his breathing resumed to normal as a grin gradually formed on his face.
"Holy cow," Guy said in pure amazement. "No, holy crap! Sweet Celestia, that was exhilarating!" He couldn't help but trot in circles for a moment, giggling madly to himself. He didn't mean to seem straight-up insane to anyone who might have been watching him at the time, but this was by far the most fun thing he'd done in ages. Possibly the only fun thing. That, plus the adrenaline rush from almost being caught, contributed to him being a bit overly giddy.
"Alright, okay, gotta compose myself," Guy said, slowing his breathing a bit. "I've just broken into the house of an Equestrian Princess, rearranged her entire library, and gotten away with it. I'm already getting the hang of this villain thing, aren't I?"
Anyone could tell you that Guy was certifiably not getting the hang of this villain thing, or even the general point of it, but he remained unfazed nonetheless. He immediately started trying to think of where else he could take his 'villainous' escapades next.
Only one thing to do! Guy ducked into a nearby alleyway where he was sure nopony could spot him, and began thinking hard to himself. Specifically, he envisioned a roulette wheel in his head, with six sections meant to represent each of the Element Bearers. Guy spun the wheel, figuring that whichever pony it landed on would be the next one to prank.
Given that this roulette wheel was purely an object of Guy's imagination, it would seem obvious to anyone that he was simply deluding himself - nopony could possibly conjure up a truly random result in their head. They would always have complete and total control over where such an imagined wheel would land.
And yet, the wheel landed on Twilight.
Guy didn't even bother trying to comprehend how that happened. Oh, forget it. I'll just go to Applejack's.
By the time Guy had made it to Sweet Apple Acres, the day had already fully shifted into the night. All the better for him, though, he thought. No better way to do shady things than in literal shade. He was currently maneuvering his way through one of the numerous apple orchards, almost getting lost a few times due to the sheer size of them. That, and the darkness.
"Wait a second," said Guy, stopping himself to look up at the trees around him. He let his eyes drift from each... well, red apple to the next. He wanted to come up with a better description than "red", but the dark of the night was obscuring them a bit too much to garner any extra detail. Regardless, he knew one thing for sure - he had to eat one.
Alright, so, that's step one. Step two is actually figuring out how to get an apple. Guy wasn't an apple farmer in any capacity, which meant he wasn't exactly aware of the method said farmers actually used to harvest their fruits. Maybe they climbed the trees?
Guy trotted up to a tree and jumped at its side, trying to get a grip around it with his hooves. He managed to latch on for a total of roughly one half-second before his hold slipped and he fell directly onto his back. Ouch. Should've figured that wouldn't work, he thought. Climbing a tree with hooves. Genius. Guy righted himself onto his feet, trying to look at this situation from a different angle. How was he supposed to get any apples down if he couldn't reach them?
Wait a minute, I've got an idea. Though Guy knew those seven words were almost always linked to him causing misfortune and pain for himself, he didn't let himself get distracted. He stood himself right next to the tree, turned himself around, and delivered the hardest kick he could possibly muster - with both back legs.
It took a second, but Guy eventually took notice of the sharp pain that was shooting through his back hooves. Struggling to not make any loud noises, Guy collapsed to the ground, lying on his back and clutching his hind legs in agony. It's probably safe to say that Guy overdid that one a bit.
However, just as the pain started to subside, Guy felt a forceful SMACK against his face. No longer focusing on his pedal pains, Guy opened his eyes only to be met with a particularly juicy-looking red apple, sitting in the grass right next to his face. Guy stood himself back up again and grabbed the apple, letting a smug sense of self-satisfaction take over as he held the apple high above his head.
"Aha! My first evil deed of the night! Apple theft!" Guy brought the apple back down and eyed the literal fruit of his labor for a moment before taking a large bite out of the side. And, whether he was deluded by his enthusiasm at doing something right, or he was just slow on the uptake, it took Guy a second to realize that something was very, very wrong.
That is to say, something was moving around in his mouth.
"MMF!" Guy covered his mouth for a moment before realizing that was the exact opposite of what he needed to do, then promptly spat the mass of partially-chewed apple onto the ground before him. What was that?! He looked down at the rather gross mass that had exited his mouth, observing that it was, indeed, a mass of chewed apple - with a worm wriggling around in it.
Nearly gagging, Guy threw the apple to the ground and spat a few more times, desperately trying to decontaminate his mouth. "Oh, come on! he said, spitting a few more times. "That's the second time stealing food has backfired on me!"
Disappointed with that outcome - though at the same time thankful he didn't bite into the worm - Guy continued toward the direction of the barn. It took him a good while, given the darkness and all, but he eventually found his way there. Cautiously, Guy stepped out of the trees and past the fence that led towards the barn. He figured the Apple family would probably be asleep by now, or at least close to it.
Guy eventually found himself in the central area of Sweet Apple Acres, the barn right in front of him with the farmhouse a bit farther off in the distance. The lights were on, which seemed to indicate that they were home, but it was too dark for them to possibly see guy from that distance. Fields growing various crops were to the left and right of Guy, along with a henhouse behind him. All these elements led to immense pranking material, he thought. He just had to figure out exactly what he was gonna mess with.
The crops? Nah, those are her livelihood. I'm not that much of a jerk.
The henhouse? No, chickens are loud. Wouldn't be very clandestine. Plus, they'd probably attack me or something.
That leaves the barn, then. That's probably my best bet.
Guy walked up to the barn, but was dismayed to find the front door locked with a rather sturdy-looking padlock. Well, that didn't stop me last time. He walked around to the side of the barn, hoping for some alternate way in - and that's exactly what he found. That is, a window.
I guess history really does repeat itself! Guy happily reached to open the window, but upon attempting to do so, he found that it, too, was locked. Darn. Who knew barn security would be of higher caliber than a castle's? Guy looked around for something to potentially force the window open, but all he ended up finding was a chest full of firewood along with some matches. Sure, maybe he could grab a log and smash the window open, but, well, that would be really loud.
Out of options, Guy decided to try forcing the window open with his bare hooves. He stood up on his hind legs, grabbed the window, and pulled up as hard as he possibly could, but, predictably, the window didn't budge at all. Whether that was a testament to Guy's lack of physical strength or the barn's solid construction is up to you.
"Come on!" Guy said, pulling on the window again. When that didn't work, he tried moving the window in various other directions, even ones that didn't make sense - pulling the window towards him, pulling it down (which really only serves to shut it even tighter), and even trying to push it to the left and right, where there was no space for the window to go. He knew that wouldn't really work, but he wasn't really trying to be reasonable at the moment.
Still, Guy persevered, somehow. With only one direction left to try to move the window, Guy pushed forward on it as hard as he possibly could - and to his immediate surprise, the entire window frame popped out and fell into the barn, the window loudly shattering when it hit the ground.
"Oh crap," Guy said. He jerked his vision toward the farmhouse. They could've easily heard that. He looked around frantically for a good few moments before leaping into the barn himself, screwing up the jump in the progress and nearly cutting himself on a shard of glass. Guy got up and peered out the window at the farmhouse. He stared at it for what had to have been a good few minutes, trying to make absolute sure that nopony had heard. And it continued to seem that way, as he saw absolutely nothing change there.
Eventually, after deeming it safe, Guy took his head from the window and decided to explore the barn, only to find that it was entirely pitch-black inside. Oh, right. Probably should've expected that, he thought, going back to the window and climbing out. What he needed was some way to illuminate the the barn. The question is, how? Barns didn't have electricity, did they? He needed some sort of non-electric way to make light.
Oh! Of course! What am I, stupid? Guy rushed back to the chest, grabbed the firewood and matches, came back to the barn, and threw them in through the window, himself climbing in after them. Struggling to use the matches in the dark (and not to mention with hooves), Guy managed to strike a match properly and produce a tiny flame, giving him just enough of the light he needed to see. He gathered a few pieces of firewood, piled them together, and held the lit match underneath.
After a moment, the match went out, the firewood remaining unlit. Guy sighed, lit another match, and held it to the wood again. This time, miraculously, the wood actually caught fire. It slowly grew into a fairly sizable flame that illuminated most of the inside of the barn. "Hah! I told you I'm resourceful!" Guy said, managing to maintain a very smug sense of self-satisfaction despite not really knowing who he was talking to. The fire wasn't going to last forever, though, so Guy quickly got to looking around for anything that he could mess with or steal.
Unfortunately, even after a good few minutes of looking, Guy didn't find much. His sense of self-satisfaction sort of slowly slipped away as he realized that, well, this barn didn't exactly have a lot of stuff in it. He did at least notice a lone pitchfork in the corner, not to mention the large amount of hay piled up in various places and strewn about the floor. Hmm. Maybe I can... bend her pitchfork out of shape? No, that doesn't quite have the right feel to it.
Of course, the real reason he wouldn't do that was simply because he didn't have the physical strength to. But Guy kept deluding himself nonetheless as he desperately tried to think of, well, anything he could use to screw with Applejack. Come on! I spent all this effort getting in here, and there's nothing I can use? Guy was getting somewhat agitated, which was only made worse by the fact that he was starting to run out of time. The fire was gradually growing brighter by the minute, and eventually it would-
Wait. Brighter? Guy turned back to his makeshift campfire, only to find that, to his shock, the fire had spread onto a nearby haystack - and from that haystack onto several more.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!"
Given all the very flammable hay present inside this wooden barn, it was hard to imagine he didn't see this coming. But, well, it was dark in there. Give him some slack. Not only was the fire spreading across pretty much all the hay currently present in the barn, the various wooden parts - that is to say, pretty much all of the barn - were catching as well. Even the window he'd used to get inside was now blocked by a practical wall of flames.
"Oh crap. Oh no. Oh jeez, oh crap, oh no. What do I do? What do I do?!" Guy frantically ran around the barn, trying to find some way out. As much as he'd like to put the fire out, let's be honest, it was beyond saving at that point. Guy, however, wasn't. Not quite yet.
"Oh man, I've screwed up! I've screwed up bad!" After doing an extensive search of the rest of the barn, Guy confirmed for himself that there wasn't a single way out. That, of course, didn't bode well for him. If need be, he could try calling for help, but he wasn't about to try that just yet. That would compromise his whole operation. No, he needed to make absolute sure he'd exhausted all of his options.
Okay, okay, I've just gotta think about this, Guy thought to himself. There's only one way out, and it's that window. What does that mean?
Guy turned back to the window, where the wall of flames had grown even thicker. Aw, jeez. Alright, here we go. Guy backed up a bit, held his breath, and then charged as fast as he possibly could, leaping directly through the wall of flames and landing unscathed outside.
Well, mostly unscathed. "AGH! My EYES!" Guy cried out in pain, covering his vision which had just been subject to a full-on assault of heat, smoke, and ash. After rubbing them enough to where he could open them, Guy did so only to see that the fire in the barn had grown ever larger - to the point where it was starting to become visible from the outside.
Now, many ponies knew that Applejack's barn had a bit of a penchant for being destroyed, and that, consequently, this wasn't as big a deal as one might think. Guy, however, was not one of these ponies. With no way to save the barn from burning down, he gathered that it was probably about time he should get the heck away from there. And so that's what he did, running off back into the apple orchards.
"Oh jeez, oh crap, I've made a huge mistake..."
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Keep it up, this is a fun read and I was disappointed after reading all there was. Here's hoping I don't have to wait another month...
nice, can't wait to read what happens next!
Arson is a serious crime punishable by death at a time in history.
Guy's on the roll! Keep'em on their toes!
I wonder what exactly he expected to happen when he lit fire inside wooden barn
The arson was a more serious twist to the story I wasn't expecting. Not sure how it'll keep the more light-hearted comedic tone it was originally aiming for after something like this happening. Was going to say I was enjoying the romp through semi villianhood but I guess time will tell, fire is no joke and we'll see how things pan out for the Apples and Guy.
Whoa
Guy reminds me of the silver age comic villains who were more into making spectacles of themselves then doing anything truest malicious. And to be fair the Apple family barn has been destroyed like five or six times in the show, heck he may have done them a favor.
9080283
You make a fair point, and if it were happening in a more serious-toned world I would agree with you, but Applejack's barn has been destroyed so many times to the point where this isn't nearly as bad as Guy happens to think it is. I wouldn't be too worried.
9080469
That's a fair point really, I'd actually forgotten how many times it's been destroyed up to this point. I hope they have insurance on it, I'll bet their rates are horrible. Haha
Ha ha ha!!
I've been looking for a story like this for so long, Thankyou!
After that apple with the worm in it...I'm calling it. Guy will steal one of Pinkie's cupcakes when goes to prank her, only for it to one of her cupcakes with hot sauce in it
. And if you weren't planning it already, you can swipe my idea now 
Poor Guy will think burning the Apple family barn down is more serious than it is. Though it's entirely possible the Apples might not even realise it was arson, and instead think the fire started on its own. At least, I think it's possible the window would have fallen out on its own and shattered in the event of fire. An intrepid investigator may notice however that the shattered glass should have some scorch marks on it, or something. Still, it'd be delicious if Guy thinks it more serious than it is and decides he's gone too far now, and there's no turning back on his villainy.
Then again, this probably isn't that type of story.
Well, at least he has that much of a conscience.
Yes, Guy.
Yes.