Breaking and Entering
After a short while, Guy exited his motel room, having safely stashed most of his belongings inside. He had also made the vaguely regretful decision to don that cape he had packed, for the sake of the "villain aesthetic".
It didn't look nearly as good on him as he'd hoped.
Still, though, he didn't let his spirits drop. As of this moment, he was now out in the open area of Ponyville, free to do anything he pleased. This town was his oyster, and now all he needed was... whatever tool you open oysters with.
As that analogy fell apart within Guy's head, he righted his train of thought back toward his main objective. That, of course, being his first official evil deed as a villain. How would he go about this? Guy didn't want to be formally introduced to Twilight or her friends just yet. He still had to figure out his evil speech that would explain his villainous status. That would be when he finally meets them.
For the time being, Guy just wanted to do something minor - something that would serve as no more than a mere annoyance for them. But what? There had to be something.
Guy thought for a moment, and then the perfect idea suddenly presented itself in his head. "AHA!" said Guy, running off and forgetting to lock his door. "I've got it!"
Guy had to suppress his giggling as he trotted up the steps to Twilight's castle. He knew it was stupid to be getting this giddy over such a by-the-books prank, but it was his first step towards his crusade of villainy against Twilight and co. How could he not be excited? As he pranced up to the front door, he brought his hoof up to ring the doorbell, only to realize something that, in hindsight, he probably should've accounted for beforehand.
Twilight's castle didn't have a doorbell.
It's fine, it's fine, he thought to himself. I'll just knock, instead. See, I'm resourceful. Guy brought his hoof up in preparation to knock, but stopped for a moment. He needed to carefully plan this out. He did already have an escape route planned, that being a bush conveniently planted to the left of the stairs. All he had to do was knock on the door and jump off the side, and he'd land right in the bush, perfectly obscured from view. He just had to be fast. He brought his hoof up again, but yet again stopped himself.
What if Twilight isn't home? Actually, well, then she just won't answer, and he'll just come back another time. Simple. But what if her dragon friend, whose name he can't remember, answers the door instead? That would be disappointing. It's Twilight he wanted to annoy here. Still, these weren't problems that could be resolved by standing here thinking about them. All he could really do was knock and see what happens.
Yep. Just knock.
On the door.
Any day now.
Guy was stalling, and he knew it. There were too many factors to think of, and he'd lost most of his confidence going into this. It was a risky prank, too. If it failed, his very existence would be revealed to Twilight, and that would just complicate things further.
Oh, screw it, he thought, mustering up all the courage he could. Guy brought his hoof up one final time, and...
The door suddenly swung open, inadvertently smacking Guy in the face and knocking him off the side of the stairs, directly into the bush.
"Come on, Twilight, we're gonna miss it!" A voice emanated from the doorway.
"Alright, Spike, calm down! It's only a ten minute walk, there's no way we'll be late," another voice replied.
Quickly regaining his bearings, a very dazed Guy righted himself within the bush and hid to the best of his ability. Jeez, that hurt. Peering out from the bush, he looked up at the stairs and saw, as you might expect, Twilight and Spike descending them.
"You're really excited to see this movie, aren't you?" said Twilight, picking up her pace a bit to catch up with Spike, who had run quite a bit ahead.
"Yeah, I am! Everypony's been hyping it up for months! Who wouldn't wanna see a movie about a tank attacking Ponyville?!"
"Well, you have a point there. Also, did you hear anything when you opened the door? It sounded like you hit something."
"Yeah, but there was nothing when I looked."
Guy continued watching them walk off until they were at a safe distance, then painfully exited the bush. "That... did not go how I wanted it to," he said, pulling a few thorns out of his legs. While that drop was fairly painful, at the very least, nopony had seen him. Besides, this was his first attempt at doing something to antagonize one of the Element Bearers. He couldn't let every unfortunate accident dismay him. He just had to try something else, for now. Take the opportunity to do something more ambitious.
Of course, as for what that could be, he didn't know. He didn't exactly plan beyond this impulsive little antic. Guy looked around for a moment, trying to trigger some sort of idea in his head, when his vision drifted back to Twilight's front door.
Huh. There's an idea.
Guy looked around for a moment to make sure nopony was watching, then trotted back up the stairs to the door. Twilight had just left her house entirely unattended to go see a movie, meaning she was going to be gone for a couple hours at the very least. If that didn't open up a world of possibility, he didn't know what did. He tried opening the door to find that it was, predictably, locked.
Figured it wouldn't be that easy, he thought, instead directing his attention to the windows situated next to either side of the door. He ran up to the one on the right and looked around for some kind of latch or whatnot, and to his thankfulness, found one. Not even locked, not even any way of locking it... Home security must not be a huge deal here.
Nevertheless, Guy unhooked the latch, pushed the window open, and climbed inside, making sure to shut the window behind him. After doing so, he turned around to take in the interior of the castle - and what an interior it was. Guy had found himself standing inside an immensely large hall, the walls lined with various pillars and, more importantly, doors. Not quite sure where to start with his little self-realized tour, Guy eventually elected to enter the first door on the right.
And for being the first room Guy entered, it sure was an awe-inspiring one. Aside from the obvious crystalline walls, floors, and ceiling, the room was surrounded, wall to wall, with numerous bookshelves holding an uncountable number of books based around Celestia knows how many subjects. Guy wasn't the biggest book fanatic around, but even he was taken aback a bit by the sheer volume of literature before him. Why on earth would one pony need so many books? Was Twilight even still in the library business?
Guy walked over to one of the bookshelves and pulled out a random book, the navy-blue cover reading Equestrian Myths and Mythology, Vol. 3. How mysterious. Guy placed the book back onto the shelf, taking care to put it back exactly the way it was, and looked around the room again. This room was certainly neat and all, but he didn't see much potential in the way of pranking as far as these books went.
Oh, wait, yes he did. Guy, struck with inspiration, ran back to the book he had pulled out and, instead, grabbed the one to the left of it. Affirming his suspicions, it was the second volume of this book series on myths. And as he expected, the one to the right was none other than volume number four.
"So, these books are all organized in a specific order, are they?" Guy oh-so-slyly said to himself. "Well, it would be such a shame if somepony were to... rearrange them out of order!"
Guy cackled to himself as he swapped the positions of volumes two and three. Now, if somepony were to read these books, it would be in the order of one, then three, then two, then four! The plotlines would now be completely mangled for anypony who wished to read these... non-fiction, non-plot-based books.
"Huh," Guy said to himself. "That wasn't quite as fulfilling as I'd hoped. Clearly, I haven't done it enough."
And thus Guy began on his crusade to convert every intended order of books into an intended disorder of books. Not a single book was safe from his rampage. Books of the same trilogy were now on opposite ends of the room. Long epic sagas spanning tens of entries were now interspersed with cookbooks and old magazines. One author had evidently decided to designate each of his books with a respective singular letter on the spine, books which, thanks to Guy, were now arranged to spell out a particularly naughty word.
"As of now, the sixth entry in the Daring Do series is officially titled 'Sixteen Ways to Please Your Coltfriend'!" Not even bothering to question exactly why Twilight had a book titled that, Guy slid the book into place and took a step back to admire his handiwork. Not that things looked particularly different, mind you, in fact most ponies would never notice a difference. That was the beauty of it - no one would notice until somepony decided to take a book off the shelf. That's the one catalyst it needs.
"I hope Twilight's as much of a neat freak as I've heard," said Guy, satisfied with himself. "She'll probably have an aneurysm once she sees this." Guy dwelled on that statement for a moment before thinking to himself: Wait, no, that would actually be really bad.
After reassuring himself that Twilight wouldn't literally have an aneurysm, Guy stepped back out into the hall and looked around at the rest of the various doors along with the staircases at the end of the hall. Where to go next? The book thing was one prank, but he still had time to take this even further. Guy decided to pick a door at random, and upon doing so, he entered it only to have his senses overcome by a very, very appealing smell. Guy had stepped into the castle's kitchen, and it smelled like something very delicious had been made very recently. Looking around at the crystalline counters and such, Guy quickly spotted the source of the smell on one of the counters - a very, very delicious-looking cake.
"Oh, ho-ho-ho," Guy devilishly chuckled to himself. "Well, it's already been partially eaten. I'm sure they won't miss one more tiny slice." Guy grabbed a knife and looked at the cake. It had already been cut, at what seemed to be precise 45 degree angles. He decided to slice himself a fairly skinny slice from one of the pre-sliced slices, making sure not to make it too obvious there was more missing. Guy cleaned the knife off and put it back, then proceeded to shove the entire slice into his mouth at once.
"Sweet Celestia, this is heavenly," Guy thought to himself. It was just a plain vanilla cake, but being that that just so happened to be his favorite flavor, he was perfectly content with-
CRACK.
"AGH!" Guy yelped as he found himself biting down on something painfully hard. He frantically spat out the contents of his mouth into the nearest trash can, trying to figure out what in Equestria had just nearly bisected one of his molars. Eyeing the mass of chewed up cake, he spotted the culprit. A small blood-red ruby, no bigger than his own nostril, had been embedded in the cake, for some reason.
"Jeez!" Guy said, wiping his mouth off. "Gems? In a cake? What is that, some kind of weird foreign delicacy?!"
Guy pondered this for a brief moment, before remembering. Oh. Right. A dragon lives here. He looked around some more before spotting some jars on the counter near the mouth-mauling cake. Well, there's something, at least. Guy took note of the jars labeled "Salt" and "Sugar", and, after listening for a moment to make sure Twilight hadn't gotten back yet, swapped the labels around. Yeah, that'll show Spike. The absolute nerve of that guy. Making desserts he personally likes.
Moving off his small act of petty revenge, Guy decided not to do anything else in the kitchen area. He didn't want to go too hard with this, after all. He needed time to get the heck away from here before Twilight realized anything was wrong. Exiting back into the hall, Guy decided to check one last area, that being the upstairs. Speed-walking up the stairs, Guy found himself in yet another hall, with a large green door situated at the end of it. Now that looked important. Guy made a beeline for the door and made a quick stop right in front of it, very cautiously pushing it open - that is, cautious until he saw what was behind it.
"Holy cow!" Guy said, shoving the door the rest of the way open. Guy immediately knew what this room was, and he was genuinely surprised he hadn't thought about it until now. This was the castle's throne room, and as such, Guy was in the presence of the thrones of the element bearers. Each throne was adorned with its bearer's respective cutie mark, and they all sat around a large crystalline table. It was a cool sight for Guy, to say the least.
"My gosh," Guy said, walking around the thrones and admiring them from all angles. It was quite an exhilarating feeling for Guy to be here of all places, and the fact that he wasn't supposed to be here at all only served to add to it even more.
"Well, I think it's obvious what I have to do next," said Guy, jumping up onto the table. "I've gotta sit in one of these. It's practically obligatory. The question is, which one?" He pondered on this question for a while, trying to decide which throne would fit him best.
Magic? "Hah, that's an obvious no."
Honesty? "Considering how I've been spending my day, yeah, no, that wouldn't make much sense."
Generosity? "Uh... maybe? I mean, I'm not really stingy, but I'm not going around donating to charities or anything."
Kindness? "I don't like to think I'm a jerk, but... Well, okay, maybe I am. A little."
Loyalty? "To whom?"
Laughter? "Well, I have been working on my evil laugh. I guess that... sort of works?"
That was a bit of a stretch, but Guy didn't exactly have much to work with. He went over and situated himself on Pinkie Pie's throne, trying to get himself comfortable. He wasn't exactly having an easy time with it, though. This thing really did not feel great to sit on. No matter how he positioned himself, he just couldn't sit himself down in a way that didn't either hurt, or just feel weird. Maybe he just wasn't used to sitting on a throne. Or maybe it was because the throne wasn't meant for him.
Or maybe it was just because the throne was made of cold, hard crystal. That's probably the more likely explanation. Guy got up from the throne, a bit disappointed in that experience, when his ears perked up at the sound of something from downstairs. He couldn't quite make it out at first, but finally realized what it was as his stomach dropped.
It was Twilight's voice.
Okay, so, Twilight was home. Fantastic. Evidently, Guy had spent a bit too much time getting acquainted with the castle. Panicked, Guy rushed over to the throne room door and shut it, saving him from being seen for the time being. He dashed around the room looking for some kind of escape route, but the door seemed to be the only way out.
Well, aside from the windows. Guy ran over to one of them and peered outside. Eugh, that's quite a drop, he thought. Not to mention the pointy crystal formations near the base of the castle. No, he wasn't that desperate just yet. He looked around the room again, but it was very apparent that he'd already exhausted all of his options. He went back up to the door and tried to look out into the hallway. It was a bit hard to see through the warped green glass, but it didn't look like anypony was out there.
He pushed the door open very slowly, and made his way into the hall, closing the door just as slowly as he'd opened it. He had to get downstairs somehow, without Twilight seeing him. Though, being that Twilight was downstairs, that didn't exactly seem like a feasible idea. Still, he had the advantage of Twilight not knowing he was here. As long as she didn't notice anything he'd done, he'd keep that advantage.
"AHHH! MY BOOKS!"
...Well.
Scratch that idea.
Seriously?! That fast?! Guy took a brief break from his worry to be completely bewildered at how fast Twilight noticed her book problem. However, that quickly shifted back to worry as he realized the level of doodoo he was now knee-deep in. Frantically trotting in place for a moment, Guy looked around and then dashed into the room closest to him.
~ Meanwhile, downstairs ~
"Why is there a cookbook between Equestrian Myths and Mythology volumes four and one? And why is four before one?!"
Twilight had, as you'd know by now, already seen the extent of Guy's prank. Evidently, it wasn't as subtle as he had hoped. It was hard to fault him, though, given that, if this wasn't Twilight Sparkle, it would've taken a lot longer for the prank to be noticed.
"This is really weird," said Spike, who had joined Twilight in looking through the shelves for all the misplaced books. "The library was fine before we left, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, I'm sure of it!" said Twilight, pulling book after book from the shelves. "I'd notice if things were getting this disorganized!"
"Then how'd this even happen? You don't think maybe this is one of Discord's pranks, do you?"
Twilight finally simmered down a bit at the thought of that concept. "Hmm. I guess that's possible, but he doesn't usually do weird small stuff like this. Although a disorganized library does fit him."
"Yeah, it sure does," said Spike, looking through the shelves some more. "Hey, what's this one next to Daring Do? 'Sixt-"
"AAH!" A very suddenly red-faced Twilight magically yanked the book out of Spike's hands before he had the chance to finish reading the cover. "That- that's not important right now! Something weird is going on, and we've gotta get to the bottom of it. Go check the other rooms to see if anything else is different."
As Spike ran out into the hall, Twilight went back to trying to figure out how to re-sort the books back to normal. Dear Celestia, this was going to take forever. If Discord really did do this, she was going to kill him.
She looked over at one of the as-of-yet unsearched shelves, and noticed a certain row of books that had been rearranged to spell out a particularly unsavory word.
"Seriously?" said Twilight, walking over and magically sorting them back into the proper order. "Well, that proves somepony did this on purpose. So, somepony was here. But... who? Would Discord really do something that childish?"
Before Twilight had the time to think too deeply about this, she heard a cry from outside the room.
"AHHH! MY CAKE!"
Twilight dashed out of her room and into the only other open door in the hallway, that being the kitchen. She ran over to Spike, who had gotten his cake down from the counter and was now staring at it quite intently. "What is it?!"
"Look!" said Spike, pointing at the cake, which he had somehow noticed the small slice missing from. "Somepony ate some of my six-layer gem cake!"
"Wait, really?" said Twilight, eyeing the cake.
"Yeah! You know how I know? Because every time you cut something like this, you make sure to do it at these really precise 45 degree angles! But here, this one slice is smaller than the rest of them! Look!"
"Do... do I really do that?" Twilight said sheepishly, looking down at the cake. "I do see what you mean. If you think about it, though, that helps us out, doesn't it? No regular pony could possibly eat a cake with gems in it."
"Yeah, you've got a point there."
Twilight took the cake and levitated it over to the counter, but stopped herself when she noticed something else of interest. "Hey, wait a minute!" She hastily placed the cake on the counter and rushed over to the jars at the end.
"What is it?" said Spike, hopping up repeatedly to get a better view.
"Isn't the sugar jar supposed to be the bigger one?" said Twilight, opening them both.
"Uhh, I think so?"
Twilight poured out some "salt" onto her hoof, tasting it. "Yeah, this is sugar! Somepony swapped the labels!"
"So, somepony did break in?!"
"It looks that way. But why? What were they here for?"
"Well, they rearranged your books and ate some of my cake. And swapped the labels on the salt and sugar. You sure this wasn't Discord? I'm sure he'd be able to eat gems if he really wanted to."
"It could be. I'll probably have to ask him about this. He usually fesses up after he's had his laugh anyway. Just to be sure, though, we should keep looking around. Who knows what else got messed with while we were gone."
~ Meanwhile, upstairs ~
Guy had just become mentally stalled on the decision as to whether he should or shouldn't lock the door to the room he was in. On one hand, locking the door would keep them out for longer, but would also essentially be directly telling them he was in there. What to do, what to do?
Oh, wait, Twilight can teleport, can't she? Makes no difference then. Guy decided to leave it unlocked and go back to looking for an escape route. He seemed to be inside a bedroom of some sort, with a purple-shaded bed that, he had to admit, looked very comfortable. It's a shame he had no time to try it out. He ran over to the window, the only apparent way out, and opened it, revealing to him a similar drop to the one from the throne room. Just as dangerous-looking.
"Shoot, shoot, shoot," said Guy, nervously pacing around. "What do I do?!" His thinking was cut short as he heard hoofsteps from down the hall. Fast hoofsteps. Crystal walls reflect sound well, apparently. Guy, practically at his wit's end, looked out the window again and spotted a tree not too far from the ledge. Out of time to consider the stupidity of whatever idea was entering his mind, Guy ran for the window and jumped outside with all the strength he could possibly muster, pushing himself off the window itself both to get some extra distance and to shut it at the same time.
Guy soared through the air and fell face first into the tree, the leaves providing little assistance in breaking his fall. He broke through a good few branches and bounced off a few more, finally coming to a stop as his cape caught on one of them, which stopped his descent but also practically strangled him in the process. After a few very painful seconds, his cape finally tore and he fell to the ground. Coughing and rubbing his throat for a moment, he looked back up at the window he'd jumped from.
That was probably the dumbest thing Guy had ever done. And he didn't regret it one bit. Guy ran off, not noticing the piece of his cape still left hanging from the tree.
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If Guy Pony was voiced, what would he sound like?
I love this so much.
eyyyyy
8993813
Oh shoot, it's the man himself. It seems that's what happens when I use such a generic name for the main character.
8993746
I'd like to imagine it as something like this: https://instaud.io/2kEZ
Yay, you updated! And you've got Twilight as the first victim haha, can't wait for more
Oh, this is really good. Please continue!
8993746
Morgan Freeman.
Imagine everything narrated by Morgan Freeman
You can thank me later.
Awesome
This is a fun read so far, keep it up.
To Twilight, that might as well be a cruel, barbaric, atrocious, vile, fiendish, diabolic, wicked, nefar—
Too many synonyms? Oh well – that might as well be an act of unusual cruelty.
Well, Twilight supposedly does have a book for everything.
Twiiiliiight, what are you hiiidiiiing?
And some years from now Twilight will open up a book, only the find a note between the pages saying "8=========] PENIS"
'Sixteen Ways to Please Your Coltfriend'
But really, since Twilight looks like she's going to blame Discord automatically for this, I wouldn't be too surprised if Discord picked up on what Guy's doing. Then gives him some tips to help drive Twilight insane. As long as he doesn't do anything to Fluttershy personally. That would be bad for Guy's sanity.
...He rearranged the library?! That FIEND!
9237182
To be honest that is a pain, when someone rearrange something you worked hard to arrange perfectly to your needs?
Pity he messed up the salt, sugar prank. He should have poured the salt in a bowl, the sugar in the salt container and then the salt in the sugar container. That would have been way more effective. He certainly is out of practice. Hope he gets into the swing of things and pulls this off correctly in the future!