A bored pony sets out to meet his most admired heroes: Twilight Sparkle and her friends. That is, so he can introduce himself as a villain and fight them. For fun, of course.
This story takes place during Season 5 of the show.
Out of everypony in Equestria, few have a life as mundane as Guy Pony, a window-washing earth pony with no dreams or aspirations whatsoever. Among his job, his friends, and his life alone, Guy's only area of notable interest lies with the adventures of Twilight Sparkle and her five friends.
Inspired by their heroics in saving Equestria time and time again, Guy eventually decides to take a break from his mundane life and have some fun for once. What better way to do that than by introducing himself as a villain and antagonizing Twilight and Co. to no end?
Turns out, there are a lot of better ways than that, especially when he has little to no knowledge of what being a villain actually entails. But, well, that's what he's going with.
"Do you have to do that window right now? I'm trying to talk to my neighbor here."
Guy Pony, Canterlot's resident generically-named window washing earth pony, turned around, his squeegee still held firmly to the window he was just cleaning. "Ma'am, if you want streaks all over your front window, then by all means, I'll stop right now."
Flora Heartfelt, local unicorn, respected nurse, and Guy's third client of the day, sighed. "Alright, but do you really have to count every single time you wipe?"
"Well, I'll have you kn- I mean, actually, I d... Okay, fine, I guess I don't."
Guy didn't appreciate being dictated on how he did his job, but nevertheless, he sucked it up and continued cleaning the window, as he always did whenever one of his customers had a complaint about how he did his job. Can't really build a career on being confrontational, you know?
That was his basis of operation, after all. Somepony wanted something done, he got it done, no questions asked - as long as that thing was washing their windows.
And Celestia help him, he was going to wash this window better than anypony else ever could.
"Aaaaand that's the last one," Guy said as he finished his last wipe-down and tossed the squeegee into his bag. "Oh, and, by the way, you might wanna be careful with inviting any pegasi to your house for the next day or two. You know how birds do that thing where they crash into clean windows? Just... be wary."
"Ah. Yes, thank you," said Flora, admiring how crystal-clear her windows looked. "You really have a talent for this, Guy."
"Yeah, that's why I charge ten bits a window," said Guy, placing the last of his materials in his saddlebag. He eyed his reflection in the window for a moment, making sure his orange coat and blue mane were in the same fashion as always. He turned back around and walked up to Flora. "I've gotta say, I've worked on a lot of windows in my time, but that one was something special. I don't think I've ever cleaned a window that good before."
"You really seem to have an odd fascination with windows."
"Gotta take what you can get from an unfascinating world, you know?" Guy said, readjusting his saddlebag. "Anyway, as for the whole money thing..."
"Right, of course," said Flora, opening her own saddlebag and levitating some bits out. "My house has sixteen windows, so that's 160."
"Sixteen, plus that tiny basement window."
"You found that? Does that even really count as a window?"
"Eh, let's say one-fifth of one."
"Alright, alright," she said, levitating a couple more bits out and placing them in his bag. "Does that cover it?"
"Looks good to me," said Guy, closing his bag. "Glad to do business with you. And, hey, if you wanna recommend me to any of your friends, that'd be a huge help. Or don't. Your choice, really."
"Oh, I will! Thanks again!" Flora said, heading back into her house.
Guy managed to turn around and walk away for a solid ten seconds before he heard a huge crash from Flora's house. He snapped his head around to see a jagged, gaping hole where most of Flora's front window once was. Moments later, a yellow pegasus stood up into view inside the house, looking dazed.
"Good heavens!" Guy heard Flora cry out. "That's the third time this year!"
Guy let out a long, dejected sigh and kept walking.
Guy had managed to extend his continuous walking record by about fifteen minutes by the time he was stopped again, this time by the closest thing he had to a lifetime friend, Tapped Spirit.
That's not the name of a pony, mind you. Whenever Guy was feeling particularly dreary, Canterlot's local liquor store was always there to drain his wallet, and, more importantly, make him forget about his unending boredom.
Guy strolled into the shop for probably the third time this month, walking up to the counter where a bell sat. Guy brought his hoof up and rang it, and almost instantly, a rather fluffy orange unicorn popped up from behind the counter.
"Oh, hey, Guy! Didn't expect to see you back so soon!"
"Hey, Mist. Yeah, I've had a rough week. Figured I'd drop by and get the usual stuff."
"You know, you buy this specific set of alcohol so often that I've made a gift basket out of it," she said, levitating a gift-wrapped basket up onto the counter. "I call it the 'Guyft Basket'. Ain't that clever?"
"...Yeah, that's a real hoot," said Guy.
"Well, let me just get your stuff here... Let's see, a six-pack of Whinness Extra Stout..."
"Have I ever told you how much I hate that name?"
"A bottle of Shuavignel Havinstas red wine..."
"I swear, you sound like you're having a stroke every time you try to say that."
"And finally, a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres' Hard Cider."
"Can't believe they actually make alcohol that tastes good now. That stuff's dangerous."
"Y'know, Guy, as much as I appreciate the business," said Mist, placing the various alcohols into a bag, "you're starting to look like a real alcoholic. Something getting to you?"
"No, no," said Guy, waving his hoof reassuringly. "Everything's fine. Same as always."
"Right. Same old boring Guy."
"Hey, I'm not boring!" Guy shot back. "I'm just... bored."
"Sounds like the same thing to me. Why not do something to occupy yourself? Go do something fun! Hang out with friends! Get a haircut! Anything other than slowly killing your liver."
"I'd consider hanging out with friends if I could think of anything to do that sounded appealing. And- Wait, a haircut? What's wrong with my hair?!"
"Nothing, nothing!" said Mist, laughing to herself. "It is getting a bit long, though. You'd look more professional if you got it cut shorter."
"Why would I want to look professional?"
"I don't know, your job?"
"What, so I can waste my life in style?"
Mist shrugged. "Do you not like your job?"
"I don't think I could be more ambivalent about anything in the world."
"Well, then, why not do something else?"
"Because it pays the bills. That, and it's the only thing I'm really good at. It's my cutie mark, after all. It's not like I have much choice in the matter."
"Well, Guy, being a negative ninny the whole time ain't gonna solve any of your problems. If you don't wanna be bored all the time, go find something to do! I'm sure you'll find something if you're willing to, you know, actually try to."
"Calling me a 'negative ninny' isn't going to solve my problems either," said Guy as he shoved the bag into his saddlebag.
Mist scratched her neck. "Sorry, I guess that wasn't really helpful. I just mean there's a whole wide world out there, and you can't see much of it from here. Well, other than the view that comes from this place being on a mountain, anyway."
"Yeah, I guess so," said Guy, placing the bag into his saddlebag. "By the way, do you have a copy of today's newspaper?"
"Sure do," said Mist, rummaging under the counter for a second before slapping the paper down on the counter. "No news about Twilight and her friends, if that's what you're wondering."
"That's a shame. Haven't seen anything about them since Twilight's house got blown up. Hope they're doing well."
"I still don't get your fascination with them, you know."
"What's not to get? Ponies can be fans of other ponies. Like you with that actor."
"That's different, though! Cruise is so handsome, and so good at what he does..."
"Yeah, well, Twilight and her friends have saved this entire friggin' kingdom countless times! What has Cruise Motley saved, other than a bunch of mediocre movies?"
"Okay, okay, I get your point. See, there's an idea, though. You're a fan of them, right? They just live down in Ponyville. Why not go down and meet them yourself? Anything to get you out and about."
"Well, I've actually been thinking of doing that for a while. I just... haven't done it."
"Why not?"
"I don't know, it's just... you know what they say. Don't meet your heroes. Plus I've never been sure if a vacation is the right thing for me, you know?"
"A vacation can be great for anypony, Guy. You just gotta make sure you're enjoying it! Do something you've always wanted to do, you know?"
"I guess you're right, yeah. But, uh, anyway, I've gotta get home soon. I think I left my fireplace on this morning. There's a good chance I'll get some excitement from my house being reduced to ashes."
"Well, whatever you say, Guy," said Mist. "Have a good day!"
Once Guy had left the shop, he managed to make it a good five feet before he was stopped yet again, this time by an actual pony - Trot Parsley, Guy's closest thing to what you'd call a "best friend".
"Hey, Guy!" he said, running up to Guy and brushing his own noticeably long mane out of his face. "How you doing? I haven't seen you around in, like, a week."
"Yeah, sorry," said Guy, trying to hide his annoyance at being stopped. "I've had an interesting last few days. Oh, wait, no I haven't."
"Well, I can solve that for you, if you want. Jane and I are gonna go see a play in a bit. We'd be more than happy to have you come along too!"
"Thanks, but I'm feeling pretty tired today," said Guy, looking anxiously back in the direction of his house. "I think I'm just gonna head home and... do... something."
"Alright, that's cool, dude. I gotta ask, though, are you doing okay?"
"Yes, of course! I'm fine! Why does everypony keep asking me that?"
"Well, you know, it's just that it seems like you're getting more and more dreary every day. I mean, don't get me wrong, you were never the shiniest ray of sun, but you were still happy to do stuff with us. Played great pranks, too."
Guy shifted a bit uncomfortably. "I don't know. I guess I still feel like I messed everything up pretty bad."
Trot tilted his head curiously. "What, you mean with your last prank? I mean, yeah, it kinda went too far, but nothing the town couldn't fix. I don't see why you couldn't do more stuff that really aligns with your classics. Maybe swap someone's salt and sugar."
"But everyone here's wise to it now," said Guy. "Heck, at this point, even when something isn't my fault, I'm considered a probable cause. I'm kind of railroaded into a rut here."
"Tell me about it. Nowadays all it seems you do is stay at home and complain about how boring your life is."
"Well, my life is boring!"
"Then why not do something about it?"
"Because I don't know what to do, okay? I've gotten tired of everything there is to do in this Celestia-forsaken city."
"...I don't know if 'Celestia-forsaken' is really the right wording for Canterlot of all places."
"That's besides the point! It's just... this town, man. Maybe I need to get out of this place, see more interesting things."
"Hey, if it gets you out of this rut, I'm all for it," said Trot, gazing at the sky for a moment. "With how much you charge for your window-washing, I'm sure you can afford it. Then again, some days I wonder if you can't afford a haircut with that mane you've got going on there."
"Oh, come on, my hair's fine!"
"Well, whatever you like, man. I'm just saying, get a few inches off, it'd look a heck of a lot better."
Guy sighed. "Yeah, maybe."
"Well, I've gotta head back, the movie's starting soon and Jane'll kill me if she misses any of it 'cause of me. Don't be a stranger, Guy!"
"I'll try," Guy said in reply as he resumed his trek back to his house.
Much to his relief, Guy managed to reach his thankfully flameless abode without being stopped by anypony else. After fiddling with his keys for a bit – he still didn't understand how anyone other than a unicorn was able to use these things frustration-free – he got the door open and stepped into his house, shutting the door behind him and plopping himself onto his couch. He let out a long sigh, glad to finally be alone.
Despite his lack of company, however, Guy wasn't fully relaxed. The entire rest of the walk home, he had Trot's advice banging around the inside of his head, slowly but surely managing to sound more and more appealing to him. Maybe that really was what he needed. A vacation, of sorts. What harm could it possibly do, he thought?
But still, that leaves a bunch of other questions. Where would he go? What would he do? Why weren't there any more questions he can think of? Guy got up from his couch to better his thinking process, which he accomplished by walking in circles in the middle of his living room. This was a common habit of Guy, so common in fact that there was a noticeable ring worn into his carpet, built up from years of thinking about Celestia knows how many topics.
"Let's see," Guy said to no one in particular, "I'd want to go somewhere that's quiet. Someplace I can stay for a while and just relax. Not a big city like this, or, Celestia forbid, Manehattan."
Guy shuddered momentarily before continuing his train of thought. "Still, though, while relaxing is definitely nice, I'd still want to be able to do something. Something fun. Something I haven't done before. But what?"
Guy continued pacing for a moment, before stopping. "Dang it, why can't I think of things I don't know about?!" He brought his hoof up to his chin, like it would somehow help him think better, and considered all the things in his life he'd ever thought seemed fun. Riding a rollercoaster, going camping, those were fun and all, but he wanted a new experience. Something alien to him, something that would be a huge departure from his current life.
But for the life of him, he couldn't think of anything. Nothing crossed his mind that really struck him as something he hadn't done, but would really change his life if he did - short of robbing a bank, or something like that.
"Robbing a bank...?" said Guy, almost seriously considering the concept before shrugging it off with a laugh. "Jeez, imagine that. I'd be in prison for years."
Guy ultimately gave up on thinking about what he'd do wherever he went, instead saving the question for later and shifting to a different one - namely, what would he ultimately get out of this?
"Once I come back from wherever I go, I'll be stuck in my old life again," he thought to himself. "I want this to be a life-changing experience, darn it!" He said, turning around and gazing at himself in a mirror. "I wanna come outta this with a brand new worldview, and also maybe a better hairstyle."
Staring at his reflection for a few seconds more, he started fiddling around with his hair a bit. "Hm. I hear there's a great barber over in Ponyville-"
And with that thought entering his mind, he stopped. Every factor he'd just considered - the place, what he'd want to do there, how he'd want it to be a lasting experience - all suddenly came together, representing one and only one true answer to his problems.
"Oh, screw it!" Guy shouted, turning away from the mirror with an uncharacteristically determined expression on his face. "I'm going to Ponyville!"
Guy dashed around his bedroom looking for any and every single possible item that he might need during his vacation. Basic hygiene items, snacks, money, maybe a hat, Guy frantically shoved everything he could into his suitcase. The last thing he wanted was to have to come back early to get something he forgot, after all. This was the first time in a while Guy had shown anything close to enthusiasm for something, and even Guy himself was surprised at this. He was remarkably confident that this was exactly what he needed, to the point where he still hadn't even considered what, exactly, he was actually going to do on his vacation.
The possibilities are endless! Guy thought to himself, stopping his packing for a moment to ponder. Okay, maybe the possibilities being endless is a bit of an exaggeration. He was going to Ponyville. While nice, it is just a typical town. Heck, it was in the name. It was a town with ponies in it. Nothing especially notable to say otherwise. What did it have that Canterlot didn't?
Guy thought about this question before coming to a sudden realization. Oh, right!
The bearers of the Elements of Harmony, of course. That was the answer to the question he didn't ask anyone. Those six ponies who have saved this entire kingdom time and time again all resided in or around Ponyville. This was Guy's chance to finally meet them, and maybe also give them a proper, formal thanks for what they've done.
"Maybe not that exact last thing there. Sounds a bit mushy," said Guy, struggling to close his suitcase. "But hey, maybe the 'don't meet your heroes' thing doesn't count for actual heroes." He managed to get the lid closed with a satisfying click, and with that he was already prepared to head out.
"Jeez, I can't believe I'm doing this. Actually taking initiative for once. Imagine that," said Guy, sitting down on his bed. Still, though, even with the idea of what he'd do now fresh in his mind, something still felt... missing.
Still not sure how this'll be life changing, though. Guy mentally asked himself. I'll go there for like, a week, meet them, come back, they'll probably forget I exist, and then I'll return to my old life.
Guy really didn't want that. He wanted some kind of substantial, permanent change to his lifestyle - something that would serve as a permanent cure to his never-ending boredom. Frankly, he'd be happy if he never had to wash a window again.
For no apparent reason, Guy hopped off his bed and went over to his closet, opening it and removing from it a small stack of newspapers. There weren't a lot of newspapers in Guy's collection, and the few newspapers that did have the honor of his closet space had one thing in common. They were all newspapers that covered the heroics of the Element Bearers. Guy spread the newspapers out over the floor, trying to decide which stories seemed the most notable.
That's a pretty nice picture of Discord. I wonder how they got it, Guy thought to himself. He was looking at a particularly old newspaper from a few years ago, one that covered the aforementioned villain's defeat and petrification at the hooves of Twilight and co. As much as Guy appreciated their efforts, he still had a bit of a strange admiration for the villains they tussled with, Discord especially. Other villains had real, malicious plans in mind, but everything Discord did made it seem like he was really... having fun. At least, it definitely looked fun.
It's not that Guy personally approved of everything Discord did, mind you, but he had a real appreciation for his complete lack of regard for authority. That, and his pure dedication for just, well, screwing with ponies. It reminded him of himself, in his earlier years. The days when he seemingly had no restraint for messing with authority figures really were the best days of his life.
Not that he had anything specific against authority figures, mind you, but heck if he didn't enjoy playing jokes on them. The authority aspect added a certain degree of danger to his pranks, and he really loved that, no matter how high that authority went.
Hence why it was such a shame that Guy had pretty much exhausted his pranking potential here in Canterlot. Almost everypony there was fully aware of his reputation, and so if something went wrong, ponies had a tendency to blame him for it - even if he really didn't have anything to do with it.
Guy shooed that annoying thought out of his mind and tried to think about his situation from a logical perspective. While everypony was fully aware of his past reputation of getting into trouble, Ponyville would be a complete clean slate, wouldn't it? He could start fully anew, with a whole fresh set of victims just waiting to be antagonized.
He didn't want to just retread the past, though. He wanted this to be a life-changing experience, after all. He needed to do something more significant than some dumb pranks. Something that would be remembered by others. Something that would be, like, covered in the newspaper or something.
Guy continued scanning over his own newspapers. Discord's got a pretty good picture on the front page there, he thought, Almost as big as the picture of Twilight and her friends.
Somehow, Guy managed to connect this idea with another in his mind, and the resulting idea was as follows: What if... What if I were to try this villain thing?
That idea got Guy's full attention almost instantly, either because it was so ridiculous or because it was, somehow, legitimately something he was considering. How would that even work, really? He was just an earth pony. And he certainly wasn't evil. He didn't want to take over Equestria or spread chaos throughout the land, and he certainly didn't want to cause legitimate harm to anypony. How could he possibly balance villainy with a basic conscience?
Guy got up and began pacing around his room, albeit very awkwardly as he tried to avoid the newspapers and his bed. He's an earth pony, and he has a conscience. Maybe those two facts could work to his advantage? He didn't have to be a real threat, just something ponies would take at least a little seriously. He just had to be real theatrical with it. Introduce himself formally as a villain, with... some kind of evil-sounding goal, and just, well, screw with everypony. Just not enough to actually get him in, like, legal trouble, or anything. The last place he needed to be during his vacation was a jail.
Still, though, his antics were always the most fun when they were at the expense of some kind of authority figure. Who in Ponyville holds any kind of authority or power?
After a short moment of considering the question, Guy's head snapped upwards in a moment of realization. "...Oh." He stared off into nothing as a grin formed on his face. "Now that is an interesting idea."
While by this point in time Guy had packed everything up and made it onto the train to Ponyville, he was still pacing back and forth in his train car, garnering some odd looks from the only other pony in the car with him. He had made sure he'd packed everything he needed - including a cape, just in case he needed a villain costume - and he even left a note on his front door for anyone that might be looking for him, saying "Gone on vacation. I'll be back in, like, maybe a week or something. I don't know.". He'd even taken one of his old newspapers with him, just for the heck of it.
Still, even having taken care of these things, Guy was still worrying about a few things. One thing he was trying to subdue was his conscience telling him that what he was doing wasn't one hundred percent morally sound. Guy did still appreciate what Twilight and her friends have done, of course, he just wanted to have a little fun with them. Was that really so wrong?
Hey, this could be good for them! Maybe they'd get another spot in the newspaper. "Twilight and Co. Stop Idiot Villain". There's a headline for you. Guy ultimately dismissed the thought and moved on to the second thing bugging him - mainly how he was going to even begin with this villainy thing. How do villains introduce themselves? It's not like he should just waltz up to Twilight's house, knock on her door, and say "Hey, Twilight, I'm Guy Pony, your new nemesis! Just thought I'l tell you."
No, no. Guy had to do better than that. After all, his pranks only went well whenever he actually bothered to plan them out beforehand. He wasn't so great at thinking on his feet. But, come on. He was so excited to try this out, he really didn't feel like waiting until he had a proper plan for it. He just wanted to go for it.
But he was just an earth pony, and by extension, not a unicorn. He couldn't just go "Abracadabra, suckers!" and make bad things happen. Given that he didn't have that kind of simplicity at his hooves, it meant he had to plot out exactly how he was going to do this, and then execute each part of the plan in such a manner that every aspect of it falls into place and gives him his desired result.
...Or maybe he'd just ring Twilight's doorbell and run away. That works too.
By the time the train made it into Ponyville, Guy had made little to no progress on how he was going to begin his campaign of villainy. Essentially, he had writer's block. Or, rather, in his case, villain's block. That wasn't really an established term, but it was accurate, more or less.
Guy stumbled off the train, pulling his suitcase along behind him and still not fully paying attention to reality as his mind was still preoccupied. The moment the fresh air hit his nostrils, however, his mind was immediately cleared of stress, and he let out a long sigh. Wow. The air was always nice in Canterlot, but not this nice.
Guy had better things to do than get high off of plain air, though. He was in Ponyville - There were buildings, houses, and roads as far as he could see, and many, many ponies walking the streets, just going about their day as usual. It all felt very homey. The only thing that particularly stood out to him was a huge, crystal castle out in the distance - Twilight's castle, the so-called "Castle of Friendship". A little garish-looking, he thought, but whatever. While it was pretty far away, it was at least a fairly impressive sight. Guy decided that would be his first destination - that is, after he found a place to stay and deposit his belongings. Dragging a wheeled suitcase around doesn't really add much to the villain aesthetic.
After a bit of wandering around the town, Guy managed to find a small motel. That was all he needed, and really, a non-conspicuous place like this served his purposes well. The last thing he needed was unwanted attention, after all. Guy made his way into the motel and up to the front desk, but stopped himself as he saw something out of the corner of his eye. Guy turned his head only to see a certain purple-maned white-coated unicorn step into the lobby.
Celestia help him, that was Rarity.
Guy swung his suitcase around in a panic and slammed it onto the ground in front of him, proceeding to hide behind it to the best of his ability. Oh, come on! He thought, peeking out a bit to make sure that was, in fact, Rarity, local seamstress and, more importantly, Element Bearer. You have to be kidding me. I've been in town for like, twenty minutes, and I already come across one of them?!
Rarity, thankfully, didn't see him, being too busy talking to whom Guy assumed was some friend of hers he didn't recognize. That at least served as some relief for Guy. That would seriously screw up his introduction later if she saw him here.
"Uh, sir?" The pony working the front desk said, peering down at Guy. "What are you doing?"
"Shut up! You're gonna blow my cover!" whispered Guy, still trying to get a look at Rarity without being seen. "Just give me a minute. Tell me when that white unicorn is gone."
"What, you mean Rarity?" the pony said, glancing over at her. "Well, okay, if you say so."
After a few more minutes, Rarity finished up her conversation and left through the front door. "Sir? She's gone now," said the front desk pony, gesturing at the door.
Guy stepped out from behind his suitcase, stretching his limbs out of the weird positioning he had to do to fit behind it. "Alright," he said, rummaging through his suitcase and taking a large bag of bits out. "I don't know how long I'll be staying. Just take these bits and give me however many days this pays for," he said, dumping a decent portion of the bag onto the counter.
The front desk pony looked at the bits in shock for a moment before looking back up at Guy. "Er, are you sure about this, sir? This is a lot of bits."
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine, I'll stay as many days as that'll get me."
"Well, if you say so," said the pony, grabbing a pencil and opening the book on the desk. "And, can I get a name for that?"
Oh, right. I probably shouldn't use my real name for this. "Uh, does it have to be a real name?"
The pony eyed him for a good few seconds before responding. "No, I suppose not. Just whatever you'd like to put it under."
"Okay, how about just... 'Fake Name'. That works, right?"
"I... suppose so." The pony was gradually growing rather suspicious of him, but given that he didn't really have any idea what he was suspecting, he simply wrote the name down, grabbed a key from under the desk, and handed it to Guy. "Alright, you're set. Just remember, you can always get a refund for any days you don't end up staying. Your room's number 16."
"Yeah, alright, thanks," said Guy, grabbing the key and putting it in his bag.
"Also, if you don't mind me asking, sir, what was that all about with Rarity?"
"Oh, you'll understand soon enough, don't you worry," said Guy, conjuring up a slightly evil-sounding chuckle. "Wait, no, that doesn't sound quite right. Let me try that again." He let out a second chuckle, this one sounding a decent bit more menacing. "Yeah, that's much better."
The front desk pony didn't respond, choosing only to stare at him confusedly as he walked out the door.
After a short while, Guy exited his motel room, having safely stashed most of his belongings inside. He had also made the vaguely regretful decision to don that cape he had packed, for the sake of the "villain aesthetic".
It didn't look nearly as good on him as he'd hoped.
Still, though, he didn't let his spirits drop. As of this moment, he was now out in the open area of Ponyville, free to do anything he pleased. This town was his oyster, and now all he needed was... whatever tool you open oysters with.
As that analogy fell apart within Guy's head, he righted his train of thought back toward his main objective. That, of course, being his first official evil deed as a villain. How would he go about this? Guy didn't want to be formally introduced to Twilight or her friends just yet. He still had to figure out his evil speech that would explain his villainous status. That would be when he finally meets them.
For the time being, Guy just wanted to do something minor - something that would serve as no more than a mere annoyance for them. But what? There had to be something.
Guy thought for a moment, and then the perfect idea suddenly presented itself in his head. "AHA!" said Guy, running off and forgetting to lock his door. "I've got it!"
Guy had to suppress his giggling as he trotted up the steps to Twilight's castle. He knew it was stupid to be getting this giddy over such a by-the-books prank, but it was his first step towards his crusade of villainy against Twilight and co. How could he not be excited? As he pranced up to the front door, he brought his hoof up to ring the doorbell, only to realize something that, in hindsight, he probably should've accounted for beforehand.
Twilight's castle didn't have a doorbell.
It's fine, it's fine, he thought to himself. I'll just knock, instead. See, I'm resourceful. Guy brought his hoof up in preparation to knock, but stopped for a moment. He needed to carefully plan this out. He did already have an escape route planned, that being a bush conveniently planted to the left of the stairs. All he had to do was knock on the door and jump off the side, and he'd land right in the bush, perfectly obscured from view. He just had to be fast. He brought his hoof up again, but yet again stopped himself.
What if Twilight isn't home? Actually, well, then she just won't answer, and he'll just come back another time. Simple. But what if her dragon friend, whose name he can't remember, answers the door instead? That would be disappointing. It's Twilight he wanted to annoy here. Still, these weren't problems that could be resolved by standing here thinking about them. All he could really do was knock and see what happens.
Yep. Just knock.
On the door.
Any day now.
Guy was stalling, and he knew it. There were too many factors to think of, and he'd lost most of his confidence going into this. It was a risky prank, too. If it failed, his very existence would be revealed to Twilight, and that would just complicate things further.
Oh, screw it, he thought, mustering up all the courage he could. Guy brought his hoof up one final time, and...
The door suddenly swung open, inadvertently smacking Guy in the face and knocking him off the side of the stairs, directly into the bush.
"Come on, Twilight, we're gonna miss it!" A voice emanated from the doorway.
"Alright, Spike, calm down! It's only a ten minute walk, there's no way we'll be late," another voice replied.
Quickly regaining his bearings, a very dazed Guy righted himself within the bush and hid to the best of his ability. Jeez, that hurt. Peering out from the bush, he looked up at the stairs and saw, as you might expect, Twilight and Spike descending them.
"You're really excited to see this movie, aren't you?" said Twilight, picking up her pace a bit to catch up with Spike, who had run quite a bit ahead.
"Yeah, I am! Everypony's been hyping it up for months! Who wouldn't wanna see a movie about a tank attacking Ponyville?!"
"Well, you have a point there. Also, did you hear anything when you opened the door? It sounded like you hit something."
"Yeah, but there was nothing when I looked."
Guy continued watching them walk off until they were at a safe distance, then painfully exited the bush. "That... did not go how I wanted it to," he said, pulling a few thorns out of his legs. While that drop was fairly painful, at the very least, nopony had seen him. Besides, this was his first attempt at doing something to antagonize one of the Element Bearers. He couldn't let every unfortunate accident dismay him. He just had to try something else, for now. Take the opportunity to do something more ambitious.
Of course, as for what that could be, he didn't know. He didn't exactly plan beyond this impulsive little antic. Guy looked around for a moment, trying to trigger some sort of idea in his head, when his vision drifted back to Twilight's front door.
Huh. There's an idea.
Guy looked around for a moment to make sure nopony was watching, then trotted back up the stairs to the door. Twilight had just left her house entirely unattended to go see a movie, meaning she was going to be gone for a couple hours at the very least. If that didn't open up a world of possibility, he didn't know what did. He tried opening the door to find that it was, predictably, locked.
Figured it wouldn't be that easy, he thought, instead directing his attention to the windows situated next to either side of the door. He ran up to the one on the right and looked around for some kind of latch or whatnot, and to his thankfulness, found one. Not even locked, not even any way of locking it... Home security must not be a huge deal here.
Nevertheless, Guy unhooked the latch, pushed the window open, and climbed inside, making sure to shut the window behind him. After doing so, he turned around to take in the interior of the castle - and what an interior it was. Guy had found himself standing inside an immensely large hall, the walls lined with various pillars and, more importantly, doors. Not quite sure where to start with his little self-realized tour, Guy eventually elected to enter the first door on the right.
And for being the first room Guy entered, it sure was an awe-inspiring one. Aside from the obvious crystalline walls, floors, and ceiling, the room was surrounded, wall to wall, with numerous bookshelves holding an uncountable number of books based around Celestia knows how many subjects. Guy wasn't the biggest book fanatic around, but even he was taken aback a bit by the sheer volume of literature before him. Why on earth would one pony need so many books? Was Twilight even still in the library business?
Guy walked over to one of the bookshelves and pulled out a random book, the navy-blue cover reading Equestrian Myths and Mythology, Vol. 3. How mysterious. Guy placed the book back onto the shelf, taking care to put it back exactly the way it was, and looked around the room again. This room was certainly neat and all, but he didn't see much potential in the way of pranking as far as these books went.
Oh, wait, yes he did. Guy, struck with inspiration, ran back to the book he had pulled out and, instead, grabbed the one to the left of it. Affirming his suspicions, it was the second volume of this book series on myths. And as he expected, the one to the right was none other than volume number four.
"So, these books are all organized in a specific order, are they?" Guy oh-so-slyly said to himself. "Well, it would be such a shame if somepony were to... rearrange them out of order!"
Guy cackled to himself as he swapped the positions of volumes two and three. Now, if somepony were to read these books, it would be in the order of one, then three, then two, then four! The plotlines would now be completely mangled for anypony who wished to read these... non-fiction, non-plot-based books.
"Huh," Guy said to himself. "That wasn't quite as fulfilling as I'd hoped. Clearly, I haven't done it enough."
And thus Guy began on his crusade to convert every intended order of books into an intended disorder of books. Not a single book was safe from his rampage. Books of the same trilogy were now on opposite ends of the room. Long epic sagas spanning tens of entries were now interspersed with cookbooks and old magazines. One author had evidently decided to designate each of his books with a respective singular letter on the spine, books which, thanks to Guy, were now arranged to spell out a particularly naughty word.
"As of now, the sixth entry in the Daring Do series is officially titled 'Sixteen Ways to Please Your Coltfriend'!" Not even bothering to question exactly why Twilight had a book titled that, Guy slid the book into place and took a step back to admire his handiwork. Not that things looked particularly different, mind you, in fact most ponies would never notice a difference. That was the beauty of it - no one would notice until somepony decided to take a book off the shelf. That's the one catalyst it needs.
"I hope Twilight's as much of a neat freak as I've heard," said Guy, satisfied with himself. "She'll probably have an aneurysm once she sees this." Guy dwelled on that statement for a moment before thinking to himself: Wait, no, that would actually be really bad.
After reassuring himself that Twilight wouldn't literally have an aneurysm, Guy stepped back out into the hall and looked around at the rest of the various doors along with the staircases at the end of the hall. Where to go next? The book thing was one prank, but he still had time to take this even further. Guy decided to pick a door at random, and upon doing so, he entered it only to have his senses overcome by a very, very appealing smell. Guy had stepped into the castle's kitchen, and it smelled like something very delicious had been made very recently. Looking around at the crystalline counters and such, Guy quickly spotted the source of the smell on one of the counters - a very, very delicious-looking cake.
"Oh, ho-ho-ho," Guy devilishly chuckled to himself. "Well, it's already been partially eaten. I'm sure they won't miss one more tiny slice." Guy grabbed a knife and looked at the cake. It had already been cut, at what seemed to be precise 45 degree angles. He decided to slice himself a fairly skinny slice from one of the pre-sliced slices, making sure not to make it too obvious there was more missing. Guy cleaned the knife off and put it back, then proceeded to shove the entire slice into his mouth at once.
"Sweet Celestia, this is heavenly," Guy thought to himself. It was just a plain vanilla cake, but being that that just so happened to be his favorite flavor, he was perfectly content with-
CRACK.
"AGH!" Guy yelped as he found himself biting down on something painfully hard. He frantically spat out the contents of his mouth into the nearest trash can, trying to figure out what in Equestria had just nearly bisected one of his molars. Eyeing the mass of chewed up cake, he spotted the culprit. A small blood-red ruby, no bigger than his own nostril, had been embedded in the cake, for some reason.
"Jeez!" Guy said, wiping his mouth off. "Gems? In a cake? What is that, some kind of weird foreign delicacy?!"
Guy pondered this for a brief moment, before remembering. Oh. Right. A dragon lives here. He looked around some more before spotting some jars on the counter near the mouth-mauling cake. Well, there's something, at least. Guy took note of the jars labeled "Salt" and "Sugar", and, after listening for a moment to make sure Twilight hadn't gotten back yet, swapped the labels around. Yeah, that'll show Spike. The absolute nerve of that guy. Making desserts he personally likes.
Moving off his small act of petty revenge, Guy decided not to do anything else in the kitchen area. He didn't want to go too hard with this, after all. He needed time to get the heck away from here before Twilight realized anything was wrong. Exiting back into the hall, Guy decided to check one last area, that being the upstairs. Speed-walking up the stairs, Guy found himself in yet another hall, with a large green door situated at the end of it. Now that looked important. Guy made a beeline for the door and made a quick stop right in front of it, very cautiously pushing it open - that is, cautious until he saw what was behind it.
"Holy cow!" Guy said, shoving the door the rest of the way open. Guy immediately knew what this room was, and he was genuinely surprised he hadn't thought about it until now. This was the castle's throne room, and as such, Guy was in the presence of the thrones of the element bearers. Each throne was adorned with its bearer's respective cutie mark, and they all sat around a large crystalline table. It was a cool sight for Guy, to say the least.
"My gosh," Guy said, walking around the thrones and admiring them from all angles. It was quite an exhilarating feeling for Guy to be here of all places, and the fact that he wasn't supposed to be here at all only served to add to it even more.
"Well, I think it's obvious what I have to do next," said Guy, jumping up onto the table. "I've gotta sit in one of these. It's practically obligatory. The question is, which one?" He pondered on this question for a while, trying to decide which throne would fit him best.
Magic? "Hah, that's an obvious no."
Honesty? "Considering how I've been spending my day, yeah, no, that wouldn't make much sense."
Generosity? "Uh... maybe? I mean, I'm not really stingy, but I'm not going around donating to charities or anything."
Kindness? "I don't like to think I'm a jerk, but... Well, okay, maybe I am. A little."
Loyalty? "To whom?"
Laughter? "Well, I have been working on my evil laugh. I guess that... sort of works?"
That was a bit of a stretch, but Guy didn't exactly have much to work with. He went over and situated himself on Pinkie Pie's throne, trying to get himself comfortable. He wasn't exactly having an easy time with it, though. This thing really did not feel great to sit on. No matter how he positioned himself, he just couldn't sit himself down in a way that didn't either hurt, or just feel weird. Maybe he just wasn't used to sitting on a throne. Or maybe it was because the throne wasn't meant for him.
Or maybe it was just because the throne was made of cold, hard crystal. That's probably the more likely explanation. Guy got up from the throne, a bit disappointed in that experience, when his ears perked up at the sound of something from downstairs. He couldn't quite make it out at first, but finally realized what it was as his stomach dropped.
It was Twilight's voice.
Okay, so, Twilight was home. Fantastic. Evidently, Guy had spent a bit too much time getting acquainted with the castle. Panicked, Guy rushed over to the throne room door and shut it, saving him from being seen for the time being. He dashed around the room looking for some kind of escape route, but the door seemed to be the only way out.
Well, aside from the windows. Guy ran over to one of them and peered outside. Eugh, that's quite a drop, he thought. Not to mention the pointy crystal formations near the base of the castle. No, he wasn't that desperate just yet. He looked around the room again, but it was very apparent that he'd already exhausted all of his options. He went back up to the door and tried to look out into the hallway. It was a bit hard to see through the warped green glass, but it didn't look like anypony was out there.
He pushed the door open very slowly, and made his way into the hall, closing the door just as slowly as he'd opened it. He had to get downstairs somehow, without Twilight seeing him. Though, being that Twilight was downstairs, that didn't exactly seem like a feasible idea. Still, he had the advantage of Twilight not knowing he was here. As long as she didn't notice anything he'd done, he'd keep that advantage.
"AHHH! MY BOOKS!"
...Well.
Scratch that idea.
Seriously?! That fast?! Guy took a brief break from his worry to be completely bewildered at how fast Twilight noticed her book problem. However, that quickly shifted back to worry as he realized the level of doodoo he was now knee-deep in. Frantically trotting in place for a moment, Guy looked around and then dashed into the room closest to him.
~ Meanwhile, downstairs ~
"Why is there a cookbook between Equestrian Myths and Mythology volumes four and one? And why is four before one?!"
Twilight had, as you'd know by now, already seen the extent of Guy's prank. Evidently, it wasn't as subtle as he had hoped. It was hard to fault him, though, given that, if this wasn't Twilight Sparkle, it would've taken a lot longer for the prank to be noticed.
"This is really weird," said Spike, who had joined Twilight in looking through the shelves for all the misplaced books. "The library was fine before we left, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, I'm sure of it!" said Twilight, pulling book after book from the shelves. "I'd notice if things were getting this disorganized!"
"Then how'd this even happen? You don't think maybe this is one of Discord's pranks, do you?"
Twilight finally simmered down a bit at the thought of that concept. "Hmm. I guess that's possible, but he doesn't usually do weird small stuff like this. Although a disorganized library does fit him."
"Yeah, it sure does," said Spike, looking through the shelves some more. "Hey, what's this one next to Daring Do? 'Sixt-"
"AAH!" A very suddenly red-faced Twilight magically yanked the book out of Spike's hands before he had the chance to finish reading the cover. "That- that's not important right now! Something weird is going on, and we've gotta get to the bottom of it. Go check the other rooms to see if anything else is different."
As Spike ran out into the hall, Twilight went back to trying to figure out how to re-sort the books back to normal. Dear Celestia, this was going to take forever. If Discord really did do this, she was going to kill him.
She looked over at one of the as-of-yet unsearched shelves, and noticed a certain row of books that had been rearranged to spell out a particularly unsavory word.
"Seriously?" said Twilight, walking over and magically sorting them back into the proper order. "Well, that proves somepony did this on purpose. So, somepony was here. But... who? Would Discord really do something that childish?"
Before Twilight had the time to think too deeply about this, she heard a cry from outside the room.
"AHHH! MY CAKE!"
Twilight dashed out of her room and into the only other open door in the hallway, that being the kitchen. She ran over to Spike, who had gotten his cake down from the counter and was now staring at it quite intently. "What is it?!"
"Look!" said Spike, pointing at the cake, which he had somehow noticed the small slice missing from. "Somepony ate some of my six-layer gem cake!"
"Wait, really?" said Twilight, eyeing the cake.
"Yeah! You know how I know? Because every time you cut something like this, you make sure to do it at these really precise 45 degree angles! But here, this one slice is smaller than the rest of them! Look!"
"Do... do I really do that?" Twilight said sheepishly, looking down at the cake. "I do see what you mean. If you think about it, though, that helps us out, doesn't it? No regular pony could possibly eat a cake with gems in it."
"Yeah, you've got a point there."
Twilight took the cake and levitated it over to the counter, but stopped herself when she noticed something else of interest. "Hey, wait a minute!" She hastily placed the cake on the counter and rushed over to the jars at the end.
"What is it?" said Spike, hopping up repeatedly to get a better view.
"Isn't the sugar jar supposed to be the bigger one?" said Twilight, opening them both.
"Uhh, I think so?"
Twilight poured out some "salt" onto her hoof, tasting it. "Yeah, this is sugar! Somepony swapped the labels!"
"So, somepony did break in?!"
"It looks that way. But why? What were they here for?"
"Well, they rearranged your books and ate some of my cake. And swapped the labels on the salt and sugar. You sure this wasn't Discord? I'm sure he'd be able to eat gems if he really wanted to."
"It could be. I'll probably have to ask him about this. He usually fesses up after he's had his laugh anyway. Just to be sure, though, we should keep looking around. Who knows what else got messed with while we were gone."
~ Meanwhile, upstairs ~
Guy had just become mentally stalled on the decision as to whether he should or shouldn't lock the door to the room he was in. On one hand, locking the door would keep them out for longer, but would also essentially be directly telling them he was in there. What to do, what to do?
Oh, wait, Twilight can teleport, can't she? Makes no difference then. Guy decided to leave it unlocked and go back to looking for an escape route. He seemed to be inside a bedroom of some sort, with a purple-shaded bed that, he had to admit, looked very comfortable. It's a shame he had no time to try it out. He ran over to the window, the only apparent way out, and opened it, revealing to him a similar drop to the one from the throne room. Just as dangerous-looking.
"Shoot, shoot, shoot," said Guy, nervously pacing around. "What do I do?!" His thinking was cut short as he heard hoofsteps from down the hall. Fast hoofsteps. Crystal walls reflect sound well, apparently. Guy, practically at his wit's end, looked out the window again and spotted a tree not too far from the ledge. Out of time to consider the stupidity of whatever idea was entering his mind, Guy ran for the window and jumped outside with all the strength he could possibly muster, pushing himself off the window itself both to get some extra distance and to shut it at the same time.
Guy soared through the air and fell face first into the tree, the leaves providing little assistance in breaking his fall. He broke through a good few branches and bounced off a few more, finally coming to a stop as his cape caught on one of them, which stopped his descent but also practically strangled him in the process. After a few very painful seconds, his cape finally tore and he fell to the ground. Coughing and rubbing his throat for a moment, he looked back up at the window he'd jumped from.
That was probably the dumbest thing Guy had ever done. And he didn't regret it one bit. Guy ran off, not noticing the piece of his cape still left hanging from the tree.
"I'm not really that angry about this, Discord. I just need to get some closure on how this happened. Now, are you sure you had nothing to do with this?"
After confirming that whoever had snuck into her home was no longer present, Twilight finally got around to summoning Discord to her house for the sake of interrogating him about it. But, despite having a hearty chuckle after discovering exactly what had gone down, he remained adamant that it wasn't his doing.
"Heavens, Twilight, what do you take me for?" Discord floated over to one of the shelves and removed a certain book, taking a moment to giggle at the title. "While, yes, disorganizing your library is mildly amusing, it's frankly rather amateurish compared to the antics I've cooked up. Now, if the books sprayed water in your face when you opened them, that would be more reason to suspect me."
"I guess so," said Twilight, taking the book from him and replacing it on the shelf. "I don't mean to immediately blame you when something goes wrong, but I can't think of anypony else who would resort to home invasion for a simple prank. No one I know, at least."
"Well, perhaps that's not all they came for. Are you sure nothing was taken?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Spike and I looked very thoroughly, and there isn't a single thing of value missing. Not even a single book. Though, they did eat a piece of Spike's cake."
"Ah, yes. Never had much of a taste for gems, myself," said Discord. He snapped his fingers, and his head was adorned with a detective-type hat, while a bubble pipe had appeared in his mouth. "Well, Twilight, perhaps you have a stalker of some sort. That tends to happen with royalty, you know?"
"Does it? I've never heard of something like that happening with the other Princesses."
"Well, it isn't always the most kid-friendly subject. Though, then again, would a stalker break in to someone's house just to play a prank on them? I'm not even sure of that, myself," Discord said as he very intently blew some bubbles from his pipe.
Twilight and Discord eventually let their "investigation" of sorts carry them over to the other crime scene, that being the kitchen. Unfortunately, the thorough examination of this room proved to be even more fruitless than the last, if that was even possible.
"They swapped the labels on your jars without even paying attention to the size of them?" Discord was examining the jars while Twilight tried remembering if she had seen anyone suspicious today. "I must say, I'm quite disappointed in whoever did this. So much wasted potential."
"It's great and all that you think you could do better, but criticizing whoever did this isn't really gonna help us find them," said Twilight.
"Yes, yes, I know," said Discord, turning back to Twilight. "But I think you've exhausted your options, haven't you? You've done a thorough search of your house and you have a grand total of zero leads, aside from that spat-out cake in the trash. You just may have to live with never knowing who this was."
"I can't just 'live with' knowing someone broke into my home without knowing who it was or- Wait, what spat-out cake?"
"Why, that mushy chunk of chewed-up cake in the trash over there. With the intact ruby sticking out of it."
"What?!" Twilight walked over to the trash can and peered into it. "You could've mentioned that earlier, you know!"
"Well, we all could have done many things in our lives. But we don't dwell on them, now do we?"
Twilight just sighed and levitated the ruby out of the trash. "Well, you're right about one thing. This gem is intact. So, that proves the exact opposite of what I originally thought! Whoever broke in can't eat gems at all!"
"So," said Discord, "You've ruled out dragons, then, along with... absolutely nothing else."
"I... Yeah, I guess so. Shoot. We're back to square one."
Guy dashed behind the closest building he could get to in a desperate effort to get out of view of the general area around Twilight's castle. It took a moment for him to properly compose himself. That was quite a close encounter, after all. Eventually, his breathing resumed to normal as a grin gradually formed on his face.
"Holy cow," Guy said in pure amazement. "No, holy crap! Sweet Celestia, that was exhilarating!" He couldn't help but trot in circles for a moment, giggling madly to himself. He didn't mean to seem straight-up insane to anyone who might have been watching him at the time, but this was by far the most fun thing he'd done in ages. Possibly the only fun thing. That, plus the adrenaline rush from almost being caught, contributed to him being a bit overly giddy.
"Alright, okay, gotta compose myself," Guy said, slowing his breathing a bit. "I've just broken into the house of an Equestrian Princess, rearranged her entire library, and gotten away with it. I'm already getting the hang of this villain thing, aren't I?"
Anyone could tell you that Guy was certifiably not getting the hang of this villain thing, or even the general point of it, but he remained unfazed nonetheless. He immediately started trying to think of where else he could take his 'villainous' escapades next.
Only one thing to do! Guy ducked into a nearby alleyway where he was sure nopony could spot him, and began thinking hard to himself. Specifically, he envisioned a roulette wheel in his head, with six sections meant to represent each of the Element Bearers. Guy spun the wheel, figuring that whichever pony it landed on would be the next one to prank.
Given that this roulette wheel was purely an object of Guy's imagination, it would seem obvious to anyone that he was simply deluding himself - nopony could possibly conjure up a truly random result in their head. They would always have complete and total control over where such an imagined wheel would land.
And yet, the wheel landed on Twilight.
Guy didn't even bother trying to comprehend how that happened. Oh, forget it. I'll just go to Applejack's.
By the time Guy had made it to Sweet Apple Acres, the day had already fully shifted into the night. All the better for him, though, he thought. No better way to do shady things than in literal shade. He was currently maneuvering his way through one of the numerous apple orchards, almost getting lost a few times due to the sheer size of them. That, and the darkness.
"Wait a second," said Guy, stopping himself to look up at the trees around him. He let his eyes drift from each... well, red apple to the next. He wanted to come up with a better description than "red", but the dark of the night was obscuring them a bit too much to garner any extra detail. Regardless, he knew one thing for sure - he had to eat one.
Alright, so, that's step one. Step two is actually figuring out how to get an apple. Guy wasn't an apple farmer in any capacity, which meant he wasn't exactly aware of the method said farmers actually used to harvest their fruits. Maybe they climbed the trees?
Guy trotted up to a tree and jumped at its side, trying to get a grip around it with his hooves. He managed to latch on for a total of roughly one half-second before his hold slipped and he fell directly onto his back. Ouch. Should've figured that wouldn't work, he thought. Climbing a tree with hooves. Genius. Guy righted himself onto his feet, trying to look at this situation from a different angle. How was he supposed to get any apples down if he couldn't reach them?
Wait a minute, I've got an idea. Though Guy knew those seven words were almost always linked to him causing misfortune and pain for himself, he didn't let himself get distracted. He stood himself right next to the tree, turned himself around, and delivered the hardest kick he could possibly muster - with both back legs.
It took a second, but Guy eventually took notice of the sharp pain that was shooting through his back hooves. Struggling to not make any loud noises, Guy collapsed to the ground, lying on his back and clutching his hind legs in agony. It's probably safe to say that Guy overdid that one a bit.
However, just as the pain started to subside, Guy felt a forceful SMACK against his face. No longer focusing on his pedal pains, Guy opened his eyes only to be met with a particularly juicy-looking red apple, sitting in the grass right next to his face. Guy stood himself back up again and grabbed the apple, letting a smug sense of self-satisfaction take over as he held the apple high above his head.
"Aha! My first evil deed of the night! Apple theft!" Guy brought the apple back down and eyed the literal fruit of his labor for a moment before taking a large bite out of the side. And, whether he was deluded by his enthusiasm at doing something right, or he was just slow on the uptake, it took Guy a second to realize that something was very, very wrong.
That is to say, something was moving around in his mouth.
"MMF!" Guy covered his mouth for a moment before realizing that was the exact opposite of what he needed to do, then promptly spat the mass of partially-chewed apple onto the ground before him. What was that?! He looked down at the rather gross mass that had exited his mouth, observing that it was, indeed, a mass of chewed apple - with a worm wriggling around in it.
Nearly gagging, Guy threw the apple to the ground and spat a few more times, desperately trying to decontaminate his mouth. "Oh, come on! he said, spitting a few more times. "That's the second time stealing food has backfired on me!"
Disappointed with that outcome - though at the same time thankful he didn't bite into the worm - Guy continued toward the direction of the barn. It took him a good while, given the darkness and all, but he eventually found his way there. Cautiously, Guy stepped out of the trees and past the fence that led towards the barn. He figured the Apple family would probably be asleep by now, or at least close to it.
Guy eventually found himself in the central area of Sweet Apple Acres, the barn right in front of him with the farmhouse a bit farther off in the distance. The lights were on, which seemed to indicate that they were home, but it was too dark for them to possibly see guy from that distance. Fields growing various crops were to the left and right of Guy, along with a henhouse behind him. All these elements led to immense pranking material, he thought. He just had to figure out exactly what he was gonna mess with.
The crops? Nah, those are her livelihood. I'm not that much of a jerk.
The henhouse? No, chickens are loud. Wouldn't be very clandestine. Plus, they'd probably attack me or something.
That leaves the barn, then. That's probably my best bet.
Guy walked up to the barn, but was dismayed to find the front door locked with a rather sturdy-looking padlock. Well, that didn't stop me last time. He walked around to the side of the barn, hoping for some alternate way in - and that's exactly what he found. That is, a window.
I guess history really does repeat itself! Guy happily reached to open the window, but upon attempting to do so, he found that it, too, was locked. Darn. Who knew barn security would be of higher caliber than a castle's? Guy looked around for something to potentially force the window open, but all he ended up finding was a chest full of firewood along with some matches. Sure, maybe he could grab a log and smash the window open, but, well, that would be really loud.
Out of options, Guy decided to try forcing the window open with his bare hooves. He stood up on his hind legs, grabbed the window, and pulled up as hard as he possibly could, but, predictably, the window didn't budge at all. Whether that was a testament to Guy's lack of physical strength or the barn's solid construction is up to you.
"Come on!" Guy said, pulling on the window again. When that didn't work, he tried moving the window in various other directions, even ones that didn't make sense - pulling the window towards him, pulling it down (which really only serves to shut it even tighter), and even trying to push it to the left and right, where there was no space for the window to go. He knew that wouldn't really work, but he wasn't really trying to be reasonable at the moment.
Still, Guy persevered, somehow. With only one direction left to try to move the window, Guy pushed forward on it as hard as he possibly could - and to his immediate surprise, the entire window frame popped out and fell into the barn, the window loudly shattering when it hit the ground.
"Oh crap," Guy said. He jerked his vision toward the farmhouse. They could've easily heard that. He looked around frantically for a good few moments before leaping into the barn himself, screwing up the jump in the progress and nearly cutting himself on a shard of glass. Guy got up and peered out the window at the farmhouse. He stared at it for what had to have been a good few minutes, trying to make absolute sure that nopony had heard. And it continued to seem that way, as he saw absolutely nothing change there.
Eventually, after deeming it safe, Guy took his head from the window and decided to explore the barn, only to find that it was entirely pitch-black inside. Oh, right. Probably should've expected that, he thought, going back to the window and climbing out. What he needed was some way to illuminate the the barn. The question is, how? Barns didn't have electricity, did they? He needed some sort of non-electric way to make light.
Oh! Of course! What am I, stupid? Guy rushed back to the chest, grabbed the firewood and matches, came back to the barn, and threw them in through the window, himself climbing in after them. Struggling to use the matches in the dark (and not to mention with hooves), Guy managed to strike a match properly and produce a tiny flame, giving him just enough of the light he needed to see. He gathered a few pieces of firewood, piled them together, and held the lit match underneath.
After a moment, the match went out, the firewood remaining unlit. Guy sighed, lit another match, and held it to the wood again. This time, miraculously, the wood actually caught fire. It slowly grew into a fairly sizable flame that illuminated most of the inside of the barn. "Hah! I told you I'm resourceful!" Guy said, managing to maintain a very smug sense of self-satisfaction despite not really knowing who he was talking to. The fire wasn't going to last forever, though, so Guy quickly got to looking around for anything that he could mess with or steal.
Unfortunately, even after a good few minutes of looking, Guy didn't find much. His sense of self-satisfaction sort of slowly slipped away as he realized that, well, this barn didn't exactly have a lot of stuff in it. He did at least notice a lone pitchfork in the corner, not to mention the large amount of hay piled up in various places and strewn about the floor. Hmm. Maybe I can... bend her pitchfork out of shape? No, that doesn't quite have the right feel to it.
Of course, the real reason he wouldn't do that was simply because he didn't have the physical strength to. But Guy kept deluding himself nonetheless as he desperately tried to think of, well, anything he could use to screw with Applejack. Come on! I spent all this effort getting in here, and there's nothing I can use? Guy was getting somewhat agitated, which was only made worse by the fact that he was starting to run out of time. The fire was gradually growing brighter by the minute, and eventually it would-
Wait. Brighter? Guy turned back to his makeshift campfire, only to find that, to his shock, the fire had spread onto a nearby haystack - and from that haystack onto several more.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!"
Given all the very flammable hay present inside this wooden barn, it was hard to imagine he didn't see this coming. But, well, it was dark in there. Give him some slack. Not only was the fire spreading across pretty much all the hay currently present in the barn, the various wooden parts - that is to say, pretty much all of the barn - were catching as well. Even the window he'd used to get inside was now blocked by a practical wall of flames.
"Oh crap. Oh no. Oh jeez, oh crap, oh no. What do I do? What do I do?!" Guy frantically ran around the barn, trying to find some way out. As much as he'd like to put the fire out, let's be honest, it was beyond saving at that point. Guy, however, wasn't. Not quite yet.
"Oh man, I've screwed up! I've screwed up bad!" After doing an extensive search of the rest of the barn, Guy confirmed for himself that there wasn't a single way out. That, of course, didn't bode well for him. If need be, he could try calling for help, but he wasn't about to try that just yet. That would compromise his whole operation. No, he needed to make absolute sure he'd exhausted all of his options.
Okay, okay, I've just gotta think about this, Guy thought to himself. There's only one way out, and it's that window. What does that mean?
Guy turned back to the window, where the wall of flames had grown even thicker. Aw, jeez. Alright, here we go. Guy backed up a bit, held his breath, and then charged as fast as he possibly could, leaping directly through the wall of flames and landing unscathed outside.
Well, mostly unscathed. "AGH! My EYES!" Guy cried out in pain, covering his vision which had just been subject to a full-on assault of heat, smoke, and ash. After rubbing them enough to where he could open them, Guy did so only to see that the fire in the barn had grown ever larger - to the point where it was starting to become visible from the outside.
Now, many ponies knew that Applejack's barn had a bit of a penchant for being destroyed, and that, consequently, this wasn't as big a deal as one might think. Guy, however, was not one of these ponies. With no way to save the barn from burning down, he gathered that it was probably about time he should get the heck away from there. And so that's what he did, running off back into the apple orchards.
Applejack's morning started out as typical as any other. She woke up in her bed early in the morning, well-rested and ready as ever for yet another day of working on the farm. With the harvesting of apples, watering of crops, and collecting of eggs from the henhouse, Applejack knew she had a long day ahead of her, and she was fine with that. A longer day meant more time to get work done, after all. She got out of her bed and opened her curtains to take a look at the vast pastures of the farm that had been integral to her family for decades. She looked over the various areas of the farm, confirming for herself that everything was just as it had been left last night.
Except it wasn't.
"What in tarnation?! Where's the barn?!" Applejack snatched her hat off the wall and ran downstairs, waking up everypony else in the house with all the commotion she was unwittingly causing. She rushed out the front door towards the farm, and eventually made it to the space where the barn was formerly - it now having been replaced with a pile of burnt wood and ash.
Applejack couldn't really think of a thing to say to this. Aside from the fact that she'd just had her barn destroyed yet again, she was more concerned with the question of how this happened. Why would the barn just catch fire overnight? What could possibly cause that?
As Applejack pondered this, she heard someone running up behind her. She turned around to see Applebloom making her way over, with Big Macintosh following closely behind. "Applejack! What's goin' on?!" she said, finally coming to a stop in front of her. "You dang near woke everypony up! 'Cept for Granny Smith, that is."
"Applebloom, Big Mac, the barn's been burned down!" said Applejack, pointing to the charred remains.
Applebloom and Big Macintosh both looked over at the remains and realized that this mass of charred wood was, indeed, where the barn once was, and both let out respective gasps. "What?! How'd that happen?!" cried Applebloom.
"I don't know! We didn't even keep any flammable stuff in there!" Applejack replied, looking back at the remains. "Well, 'cept for the hay and stuff. And the wood the barn's made out of. But nothin' that could start a fire, 'specially not on accident!"
"Well, uh, can't you use those... 'in-sur-ents' you said you got for it?"
"No, we couldn't afford that anymore after the third or fourth time somethin' happened to it." Applejack walked over to what was left of the barn and kicked a still-standing piece of charred wood over. "And, I mean, at least those times we actually knew what happened. But now it just catches on fire for no reason?"
"That does seem kinda weird," said Applebloom. "But somethin' had to cause it, right?"
"Well, yeah," replied Applejack, walking back over to her sister. "I just can't for the life of me imagine what, y'know?"
Big Macintosh, meanwhile, had decided to say what would probably be his only full sentence for the day. "What 'bout the firebox?"
"The what, now?" Applejack directed her attention to that exact box, which miraculously, was far enough from the barn to remain unscathed. She rushed over to it, discovering it already open, and missing not only a significant amount of firewood, but also the matches used to light it.
"Consarn it!" said Applejack, throwing her hat to the ground. "Somepony did this on purpose!"
Guy Pony's morning started out as different from usual as you could get. This was, after all, his first time ever waking up in Ponyville, and, more importantly, his first time in quite a while of not getting a full night's sleep. That was never a problem for him before - he enjoyed sleeping quite a bit, after all - but he had a bit of a hard time managing it after the events of last night. He'd traveled over to Applejack's farm for a simple prank, and ended up committing arson instead. An accident, yes, but arson nonetheless. Applejack was now out of a barn, and Guy was now out of a clean conscience. Only his second target and he'd already screwed up royally. Good on him.
Jeez, it's been too long since I last did this, he thought. I think I've gotten rusty.
Still, Guy tried to persevere on. He certainly felt guilty for what he'd done, but it was in the past now. He couldn't change what had happened. All he could do is learn from his mistake and, well, not burn anything down again. That seemed simple enough to do, which is what motivated Guy to eventually get out of his motel room bed and don his red cape again.
Besides, nopony had seen him, right? There's no way he'd get caught now. He'd gotten away scot-free. Not a shred of evidence left behind, to his knowledge. He was in the clear, so to speak. Still, that didn't stop Guy from feeling a bit uneasy when he peeked out his motel room door. Putting yourself out in public sure felt different when you knew that you'd done something bad. Leave it to Guy to turn that into something positive, though.
Wait a minute, Guy thought, I just committed a major crime, and not a single pony knows about it. For some reason, that thought made Guy rather giddy. These ponies would inevitably hear about Applejack's barn being burned down, and the culprit would be walking among them without anyone being even close to knowing it. Although Guy didn't really mean to burn down her barn, he was beginning to regret it a little less.
Just a little, though. Guy peeked his head out of his motel room window, then slowly stepped out and shut it. The beginning of a new day, he thought. Now then, what's next for Guy Pony: Villain Extraordinaire? That was two ponies successfully pranked... well, more or less. That left four - Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
Rarity seemed like an easy enough target, he'd heard a decent bit about how much of a neat freak she could be sometimes.
Pinkie Pie, on the other hand... Frankly, he had no idea what to expect with her.
As for Rainbow, she lived in Cloudsdale, didn't she? He had no idea how he was even gonna get to her house. He'd have to be creative with her.
Fluttershy, however, would prove the hardest - everypony seemed to describe her as, well, indescribably shy, yet at the same time one of the sweetest ponies you could possibly meet. If what he'd heard was true, that in itself would prove to be the greatest defense against him of all: He couldn't think of anything he could do to her that wouldn't make him feel terrible about it.
"This is gonna be harder than I thought," Guy said, walking out of the shade of the motel into the streets of Ponyville. "I've gotta strategize better. If I end up burning somepony's house down I just might quit this whole villain business and turn myself in." Guy decided he'd start out his "strategization" by deciding the next pony to antagonize. But first thing was first - he was hungry. He needed breakfast. Can't villain on an empty stomach, after all.
Ignoring the fact that "villain" wasn't a verb, Guy trotted down the street, looking for a place he might be able to spend his bits. Guy, however, was an infamously picky eater, which left him with less choices than he'd typically be satisfied with. There were the typical places, burger joints, diners, even hot dog stands, but they had all those in Canterlot. He needed something at least somewhat unique to Ponyville. He was here to try new things, after all.
Guy continued walking down the streets with an air of disappointment gradually growing around him. He was getting hungrier by the minute, and there wasn't a single-
Guy stopped. He looked to the right. He'd recognize that building anywhere. That was none other than Sugarcube Corner, known by some as being the best possible place to satisfy your sweet tooth in a five hundred mile radius. Frankly, Guy was watering at the mouth imagining what sort of sweet treats he could get in there. He'd been wanting to try something from this place for years, and now the opportunity presented itself perfectly.
Guy started to walk toward the front door, but stopped himself again. Wait. What am I thinking? Pinkie Pie works there! I can't go in! Yet, at the same time, he was so hungry, and he so desperately wanted to eat something from there - a muffin, a cupcake, heck, maybe even an entire cake at this point. However, Guy considered his primary objective to just be too important. He couldn't screw it all up now just for a single cupcake, no matter how ridiculously delicious that cupcake may be.
Ridiculous... Delicious... Redelicioulus? Whatever Guy was trying to do in his head there, he resigned himself to simply having to come back later once the ponies were actually aware of his existence. Whenever that may be. He started off looking for a different place to eat, but the second he took another step forward, he stopped himself yet again as something dashed directly into the center of his vision.
"WOAH! Holy sh- Jeez!" Guy exclaimed, just as he realized exactly who it was that had just overloaded his vision with the unusually-alarming color of pink.
He was standing eye-to-eye with Pinkie Pie.
"Whoops! Sorry if I scared you!" Pinkie said in a sincere-sounding yet still overly giddy voice. "I was just too excited! You see, just yesterday, I heard there was somepony new in town! Somepony wearing a red cape! And it is, of course, my customary Pinkie Pie duty to throw a party for anypony who may be new in town! And when I saw you walking outside, I thought to myself, 'Hey, he's wearing a red cape'! So I had to come out and say hi, you know?"
Guy had to take a good few seconds to process both how bad this situation was and the sheer amount of words that had just entered his ears at the speed of... well, sound. "Oh! Yeah! Okay! Alright! Let me just... Give me a second, I need to think about something real quick."
Great! Good job, idiot! You got careless and you went right into the vicinity of the workplace of one of the Element Bearers, and now you've ended up meeting her way sooner than you wanted to. Oh, yeah, villain extraordinaire indeed.
Still, he might be able to salvage this situation. He turned back to Pinkie. "Phew. Okay. Where were we?"
"Well, I was just about to ask you your name!"
"Oh, right, that. My name is, uh..." Don't tell her your real name, dummy! Make up a fake one!
"...Pony... Guy?"
Dear Celestia, I am going to kill me.
"Pony Guy, huh? That's a weird name, but in a good way! It suits you!"
"...Because I'm weird?"
"No, because you're a pony, and you're a guy! Duh! Anyway, since you're new in town, you'd like me to throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party, right?"
"I mean, yeah, sure-" NO! What am I saying?! That'll tell the whole town I'm here! "W-Wait, no, scratch that. I'd love to attend something like that, sure, but unfortunately I've got a really tight schedule these next few days. Wouldn't be able to make it."
"Are you suuuuure? There's free desserts in it for the guest of honor! That's you, by the way."
Wait, free desserts? Oof. That was a heck of an enticing offer. Not only would he be able to get a taste of Sugarcube Corner's famed pastries, but he wouldn't even have to pay for it? The offer suddenly became a lot harder to turn down. But, still, he couldn't have a party all about him going on. It just wouldn't work well with his whole villain scheme.
That is, unless...
"Alright, Pinkie, you've convinced me. I'll come to this party." He saw Pinkie's face light up, but continued before she could say something in response. "On two conditions, that is. The first is that the party will be held exactly one week from now. Is that fine?"
"Sure, works for me!"
"Great." A week wasn't an especially long time, but he figured he'd have already moved pretty far in his plot by then. "Secondly, you can't tell anypony about who this party is for. You can send out invitations and stuff, but don't tell them anything that might give them any info as to who the 'guest of honor' is. No name, no physical description, nothing."
"Why?"
"Because, well... I like surprise parties. But since I already know about it, it stands to reason we could go ahead and surprise everyone else in town instead, right? Does that make sense?"
"Hmm... Not really, but hey, it's your party! Any other requests?"
"Oh yeah, one more thing. Don't tell anyone you met me, okay? For maximum surprise factor."
"Well, if you say so! I've gotta get back to work, but it was nice meeting you, Pony!" And before Guy could respond, Pinkie dashed back in through the doors of Sugarcube Corner.
"...Yeah, you too!" he called after her. Yeesh, that was not something he wanted to have happen. Looked like he was going to have to cross Pinkie Pie off his pranking list for now. Maybe he could use the party to his advantage when the time for that comes. But for now, he was gonna have to do with just the remaining three ponies.
Wait, no, scratch that. For now, he was gonna have to not focus on the villain plot, and finally get something to eat. His stomach was killing him by this point. He looked around frantically for the closest place to eat, no longer caring about the "eating something unique" thing, but his eyes ended up coming to a rest back on Sugarcube Corner.
"Oh, wait. Guess there's no harm going in there anymore."
Guy emerged from Sugarcube Corner, having just satiated his hunger with the best poppyseed muffin he'd ever eaten in his life. He couldn't have imagined one would be enough, but, well, turns out their muffins are pretty big. Expensive too, though. Still, now able to focus more properly without hunger weighing him down, Guy felt the most motivated he'd been all morning as he stepped back out into the street. Look out, y'all! Ponyville's got a new villain in town!
Guy suddenly became very glad he didn't say that out loud. Having decreased his own morale slightly with the sheer cheese of that line, Guy shrugged that thought off and moved onto business. He walked over to a nearby bench and sat himself down, for the sake of thinking up his latest plan. It was time to get the creative gears turning in his mind. He figured Rarity would be the most convenient target to go with next, he just wasn't sure how he was gonna go about messing with her.
Guy leaned back and took in the fresh outside air, which happened to be somewhat infused with the delicious smell of cake due to Sugarcube Corner still being nearby. He had all day to worry about this, there was no need to rush. He just needed the perfect inspiration. It wasn't like he was just gonna instantly come up with something when it was most convenient for him. He looked around at the various ponies crossing the streets and flying through the air. They were all going about their normal business, more or less, talking with each other, walking to some destination, or a combination of both. Guy looked to his left and spotted a couple ponies that seemed to be arguing with each other.
"I'm not the one who took your necklace!" One said.
"Oh, yeah? Then what's that around your neck?" Said the other.
"...That's, uh, my necklace that happens to look the exact same as yours."
Guy couldn't help but laugh at this exchange. Ponies arguing with each other over the most mundane things. That always amused him, especially when it was over some kind of misunderstanding.
Wait a second. And there it was. Guy had his latest idea. Oh, ho-ho-ho. Looks like Pinkie's prank won't have to wait after all.
Guy was pressed up against the back of Sugarcube Corner, peering ever so slightly through a window into the kitchen. He had a good glimpse of the one pony working in there, which happened to be Pinkie Pie herself. She cheerfully stirred some ingredients into a bowl, poured it in a pan, and stuck it into the nearest oven, all at an especially impressive speed. I have got to learn to do that, Guy thought to himself. Just then, Guy heard a ding - presumably from the front counter - and Pinkie rushed out of the kitchen.
Alright, here we go. Stealth mission, begin. Guy opened the window and climbed through, stepping onto a counter and onto the floor. Now then. What here can I use for this plan? He surveyed the various countertops and cabinets, all of which were quite well-stocked with all the various supplies needed for baking. Looking at the counter Pinkie had most recently used, he found an order sheet, detailing a "Super Deluxe Ultimate Quad-triple Chocolate Cake Supreme" that, evidently, Pinkie was in the process of making.
Guy looked around the room, and eventually his eyes came to rest on a drawer labeled "icing". He listened for a moment to make sure Pinkie wasn't returning, then went over to the drawer and opened it. Inside was a multitude of different types of pre-made frosting, contained in sealed plastic bags.
And bingo was his name-o. Guy grabbed every single bag of chocolate frosting from the drawer - five in total - and threw them out the window. Alright, that's taken care of. Now just one more thing. Guy looked around for the blank order sheets, and eventually found them along with a pen that had been conveniently stored nearby. Having gotten a bit anxious at this point, he grabbed a sheet and wrote as quickly as he could.
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I'm taking your chocolate frosting. Need it for a dress. Hope you don't mind.
Sincerely, Rarity
Guy put the order sheet in the place of the chocolate frosting and shut the drawer, then, his anxiousness reaching peak levels, ran for the window and cleanly jumped through. He shut it, grabbed the frosting, and ran off. Holy crap, that was stressful.
That, however, only served as the first half of his plan. Roughly half an hour later, Guy arrived at the Carousel Boutique, now quite tired of carrying all this frosting around. He dumped it all in a nearby bush, then tried to survey the status of the place. He needed to know if Rarity was home or not before he moved forward with this. The front door was adorned with a "Closed" sign, but, well, there could be any reason for that. He needed to be absolutely sure no one was home. How was he gonna find that out?
Wait, of course! The classic old tactic! Guy let a grin creep onto his face, as he now had a chance to put the classic "ring the doorbell and run away" trick to good use. He walked up to the door, got himself into a running stance, brought his hoof up, and rang the doorbell, immediately running off just as he did it. He dove into the same bush he'd stashed the frosting in, and waited.
And waited.
Aaaaand waited.
"...Maybe one more time, just to be sure." Guy repeated this process, running up and ringing the doorbell, then diving back into the bush. Yet again, no response. "Well, then. Looks like we're in prime position to move ahead," Guy said, grabbing a couple packages of frosting. He walked up to one of the windows of the house, making sure no one could see him, then tried opening it. Unfortunately for him, the window remained shut, having been locked from the inside.
Oh, come on! Why is it the castle is the only place here without basic home security?! Regardless of that, Guy decided to try all the other windows, hoping maybe he'd luck out and find one they forgot to lock. No such luck. It's a shame I can't just window-wash these out of existence.
By this point he'd exhausted all his options as far as getting into the house went. Seemed like he was just gonna have to do this outside. That made things lose a little impact, but, hey, it still worked. Guy ran back to the bush, grabbed a package of frosting, and came back. He put the corner of the bag in his mouth and ripped it open, leaving a convenient little hole for him to squeeze the frosting out of. And with this new tool in his possession, Guy took to performing his own little decoration of Rarity's house. Most importantly, with a chocolate-flavored message for her.
HI RAR ITY YOUR HOUSE LOOKs LIKE A CAKE SO I DECoRATED IT LIKE ONE - PINKIE PIIE
Guy's inability to write properly with frosting aside, he was satisfied with the result. For good measure, he opened a second bag and added some nice swirls and decorations to all the walls and windows and such. Getting frosting all on the windows in itself felt somewhat wrong to him - mainly in the sense that he was so used to washing windows, not making them dirty - but, well... Screw it. Guy had almost finished his renovation, but he stopped suddenly when he was interrupted by a rather high-pitched voice.
"HEY!"
Shocked, Guy jumped, dropped the bag of frosting, and looked around, trying to figure out where in the world that came from. "Up here, dummy!" The voice said. Guy looked up and saw, from a higher, unreachable window, a small, white, purple-maned filly poking out. "What're you doing to our house?"
Oh, jeez. This must be her sister. I didn't account for that. "Uh, hey there, little girl! I'm just here to, uh, apply some decorations! I was hired for this, you see. I knocked on the door earlier to let you guys know I was here, but no one answered."
"Well, Rarity told me not to answer the door when she was gone. And she didn't tell me anyone was coming to decorate the house with... What is that stuff?"
"Oh, this? It's chocolate frosting. See, kid, the reason she didn't tell you is, well, she didn't know about it!"
"Whatd'you mean?"
"See, this is supposed to be a surprise for her! Pinkie Pie hired me to do some nice chocolate frosting decorations on your guys's house as a kind of friendly favor, you know?"
"Why frosting, though?"
"It's Pinkie Pie! What do you expect?" Guy let out a laugh. He never realized he was this good at lying. Then again, he was lying to a kid. That wasn't exactly hard to do. "Look, you can't see it from where you are, but I gotta tell you, this is some top-notch frosting decorating here. You'd swear the house looks like an actual cake."
"Aww, now I wanna see it!"
"Well, you can in due time! But remember, this is a surprise for Rarity! So even when she does see this, you can't tell her I came here or that Pinkie Pie sent me, alright? It's gotta be like I was never here."
"Well, I don't know. This still seems pretty weird."
"Well, would you keep quiet for a bag of frosting? I know you kids tend to have sweet tooths. Er... Sweet teeth?"
That seemed to get the filly's attention, as her face lit up with surprise. "A whole bag of frosting?!"
"Well, I've got too much down here. Look, I'll just toss it up to you, okay?" Guy grabbed an unopened bag and, with all his strength, flung it up towards the window. His throw, however, was evidently a little too accurate, as it hit the filly in the face, knocking her back inside.
"Oh, shoot!" Guy said. "Are you alright?!" You just assaulted an innocent little girl with frosting. Good on you.
"Yeah, I'm okay!" He heard her reply from inside. Jeez, that was a relief.
"Oh, alright, good! So, a deal's a deal, right?"
"Yeah, okay! I won't tell anypony, don't worry!"
"Excellent." And with everything in place, Guy ran off, way too confident that this was going to go the way he wanted it to.
Pinkie Pie served the last muffin to the last pony of the morning rush as things finally managed to calm down a bit. She'd been stuck out there a good while, serving the long line of ponies with their rather unhealthy breakfasts, to the point where she had started to get a bit worried about the cake she was baking. And so, as soon as she had the chance, she rushed back to the kitchen, only to find Mrs. Cake taking the, well, cake, out of the oven and placing it on the counter.
"Oh! Thanks for getting that for me, Mrs. Cake!" said Pinkie, bouncing over to the counter. "Now we just need to let it cool, and then we can frost it!"
"Oh, yes, about that..." Mrs. Cake's voice adopted a tone of concern. "This is a chocolate cake, right?"
"The chocolatiest of chocolate cakes!"
"Yes, well, that may be a problem."
"A problem? Why?"
"It seems we're completely out of chocolate frosting."
It took Pinkie a second to register the very concept of that. "What?!" She rushed over to the icing drawer to find it distinctly devoid of anything chocolatey. "How did that happen?! We had a bunch of it earlier!"
"Well, this may have something to do with it," replied Mrs. Cake. She reached onto the counter and picked up a certain order sheet, holding it up for Pinkie to view. Pinkie grabbed it from her hoof and held it in front of her face, reading it aloud.
"Dear Pinkie Pie, I'm taking your chocolate frosting. Need it for a... dress? Hope you don't mind. Sincerely... Rarity?!" Pinkie dropped the sheet in astonishment.
"Yes, I was shocked too. Do you think Rarity would really steal frosting, of all things?" said Mrs. Cake.
"No, no, this doesn't make sense! Rarity's the element of generosity! Stealing's, like, the opposite of that! Even if she did want some frosting, she'd just ask, right?"
"Yeah, that's true. Maybe you should go talk to her about it?"
"Right! I'll be right back!" And with that, Pinkie zoomed out the window, making a beeline straight for Carousel Boutique.
At the same time...
Rarity finally reached the front door of her house, a bit tired from carrying two saddlebags full of groceries. It had taken her far too long to find the specific brand of carrot juice Sweetie Belle liked so much, and on top of that she was pretty sure one of the eggs she bought had broken on the way home. Still, she was glad to finally be home.
That is, until she noticed all the chocolate frosting coating her walls, windows, and front door.
"What in Celestia's name?!" cried Rarity, nearly dropping both of her saddlebags onto the ground. "Hi, Rar... ity, your house looks like a cake, so I... decorated it like one? Pinkie Pie?!" With no remote idea of how to process that, she paced around her house, looking at all the various other chocolate-flavored swirls, flowers, and various other designs that had been bestowed upon the place. "What in the world...? Is this frosting?"
Rarity circled back around to the front of the house and went inside. "Sweetie Beeeeeelle!" she called, placing her bags on the floor.
"Coming!" she replied, coming down the stairs at a remarkable speed. "Hi, Rarity! Did you see the surprise?"
"The... surprise?" Rarity wasn't sure she wanted to hear the explanation for this. "Sweetie Belle, did you... decorate the house with frosting?"
"Huh? Oh, no, that wasn't me." Sweetie was talking a lot faster than normal, for some reason.
"What is that around your mouth, then?"
Sweetie Belle realized she'd left a bit of evidence behind on her face from earlier, and started trying to lick it off. "Nothing! It's nothing!"
Rarity sighed and walked up to her. "Sweetie, you know it's not nice to lie to ponies. It's okay, you can tell me if you've been sneaking desserts. Or, well, decorating with them..."
"Okay, okay, I was eating chocolate frosting. But I didn't decorate the house with it, I promise!"
"Well, then, who did?"
"I... can't tell you that."
"And where did you even get that frosting from?"
"I can't tell you that, either."
Rarity continued to look at her confusedly. "You can't tell me? Sweetie, you're not giving me a lot to work with here. Do you mean to say Pinkie Pie did this?"
"Well, she didn't do it exactly, but... Ooh, that's it! You should ask her about it!"
"I should?"
"Yeah, she should have all the answers!"
Rarity wasn't sure if Sweetie Belle was trying to play some sort of game or something along those lines, but she decided to trust her and go along with it for the time being. "Well, alright, Sweetie. I'll go talk to Pinkie. Can you put the groceries away while I'm gone?"
"Sure thing, Rarity!"
Sweetie Belle had already made two trips back and forth between the bags and the kitchen by the time Rarity made it out the door. Once she did make it outside, she stepped back and looked over the decorations again. This whole situation seemed off. She was having a hard time trusting that note on the front door, first and foremost. Aside from doubting that Pinkie Pie would just randomly decorate her house with frosting for seemingly no reason, her name was also misspelled in the message. Surely Pinkie Pie of all ponies would do a better job with frosting than this.
Nevertheless, Rarity had to know for sure. And so, she set off towards Sugarcube Corner, hoping she wasn't wasting either Pinkie's time or her own with this. Thinking to herself how bizarre of a situation this was, she managed to walk a total of five steps before Pinkie Pie zoomed right into the space in front of her, stopping on a dime.
"Ooh, a dime!" Pinkie said, looking down and picking it up from under her hoof. Realizing she was momentarily distracted, she looked back up at Rarity. "Oh, Rarity! Good thing you're home, I need to ask you something important!"
Rarity, as with most other ponies, tended to need a second to think up a response whenever Pinkie Pie appeared in front of them. "O-Oh, really? I was just on the way to ask you something, actually."
"Wow, what a coinky-dink! Well, which one of us should go first, huh?" Before Rarity could answer, Pinkie caught a glimpse of the frosted house behind her. "Oooh, that answers my question! I was gonna ask if you knew where all my frosting went!"
"Your frosting? Well, I suppose that answers where this came from. Your frosting went missing, then?"
"Yep! I was just in the middle of making a good old Super Deluxe Ultimate Quad-triple Chocolate Cake Supreme when I found out that, gasp, all our chocolate frosting was gone! But that's not all! The culprit left this note!" Pinkie held up the order sheet to Rarity's face.
Rarity could have sworn Pinkie had been holding a dime with that hoof, but shrugged off that thought as she read the sheet. "Taking your chocolate frosting... Need it for... a dress? Signed... ME?!" Rarity stepped back, astonished. "That's ridiculous! I would never use frosting for a dress, let alone steal it!"
"I know, right? This doesn't even look like your hoofwriting! Yours is all fancy and stuff!"
"Well, you're not the only one who got a note, Pinkie. Come look at the front door." Rarity led Pinkie to the door so she could better make out the poorly-written frosting message.
Pinkie read over the note silently for a moment, now getting more invested in the whole situation, then stepped back, wide-eyed. "What?! Your house doesn't look like a cake!"
"Well, I suppose this clears things up. I didn't take your frosting, and you didn't cover my house with it, correct?"
"Yep, that's right!" Pinkie said, turning back to Rarity. "This is so weird! Why would someone try to frame both of us... at each other?"
"I honestly have no idea," said Rarity. She was getting more and more sure that Sweetie Belle wasn't behind this. There was no way she could orchestrate something so... convoluted. "Hmm... Pinkie, would you mind stepping inside with me for a moment?"
"Sure!"
Rarity led Pinkie inside and shut the door. "Sweetie Belle!" she called out. She looked around at the interior of the house and realized that everything looked decidedly... cleaner than before. Not only did Sweetie Belle put away the groceries, she also put away Rarity's saddlebags, and evidently sprayed the place with air freshener. Looking around some more, Rarity noticed that the floor had been sweeped, the kitchen had been mopped, and everything was completely free of dust.
"What in the world?" Rarity finally caught eye of Sweetie Belle, who had fallen asleep on the couch. She walked over to her and nudged her a bit, barely managing to wake her. "Sweetie, are you alright?"
"H-Huh?" she replied, waking up and letting out a yawn. "Oh, yeah, I'm okay. I was just feeling really excited for some reason, so I went around and cleaned a few things while you were gone. I don't remember anything after that, though."
"It seems you've experienced a sugar crash, Sweetie. See, this is why I don't let you eat a lot of sweets at once."
"Well, it was chocolate frosting, Rarity! Can you really blame me?"
"Wait, what?!" Pinkie said, running up to Sweetie. "You ate the frosting?! That was, like, triple-chocolate, triple-sugar frosting! No wonder you got so worked up!"
"Well, the guy told me I could have the frosting if- Oh, wait." Sweetie hit her forehead with her hoof. "Now I ruined the surprise. Sorry, Pinkie."
Rarity and Pinkie both looked at each other, then back to Sweetie Belle, and replied at the same time. "Huh?"
"The guy you had come to the house to decorate it. He told me not to tell anyone about it."
"What?! I didn't tell anyone to frost your house!" Pinkie said, shocked at this revelation.
"Who is this 'guy'? What happened?" asked Rarity, equally shocked that a stranger had come to her house without her knowledge.
"Well, while you were getting groceries, this guy came to the house and started putting frosting everywhere, so I poked my head out a window and asked him what he was doing. He told me that Pinkie hired him to decorate the house with frosting, as a surprise for Rarity. He also told me not to tell anyone he came here, or else it would ruin the surprise."
"...And he also gave you some icing?" asked Rarity.
"Yep, a whole bag of it!" Sweetie replied. "Sorry, Pinkie, I didn't know it was yours."
"That's okay, I can just get some more. More importantly" - Pinkie turned to Rarity and grabbed her by the shoulders - "do you know what this means?!"
"I believe I do, yes. I knew there was no way Sweetie would do something like stealing your frosting, even if she was capable of getting all the way to Sugarcube Corner and back with it."
"Right! That means someone tried to frame her!" Pinkie said, and turned back to Sweetie Belle. "Sweetie Belle, do you remember what the guy looked like?"
"Um... He was wearing a red cape. I don't remember much else."
That set off something in Pinkie's brain. She seemed to zone out for a moment as the events of this morning - just a matter of hours ago - replayed in her head.
"...Pinkie, are you alright?" Rarity said, reaching out and poking her head with her hoof. No response. "Oh, dear. She must be having one of those moments."
To her surprise, though, Pinkie leapt out of her zone just as quickly as she'd fallen into it. "Oh. My. GOSH!" She turned around, grabbing Rarity by the shoulders again. "I know who that is!"
"Wait, you do? Really?"
"Yes! Red cape, orange coat, blue mane! He just came to town yesterday! I met him at Sugarcube Corner!"
"Yesterday?!" Rarity said, wide-eyed. "Isn't that when Twilight's home was broken into?"
"Yeah! And Applejack's barn was burned down that very same night! You heard about that, right?"
"Yes, of course! Do you think these events could all be connected?"
"They've gotta be!" said Pinkie. "What do we all have in common, after all?"
"The Elements?"
"Right! And as the Elements of Harmony, we fight evil! This means there could be a new force of evil in Ponyville as we speak!"
"...Not a very competent one, if that's true," said Rarity. She turned to Sweetie Belle, who seemed to have been spooked a bit by this conversation. "Sweetie, do you remember anything else about the pony who came and defaced the house?"
"No, it was just the weird-looking cape. Looked kinda like ours!"
"Well," said Rarity, "I believe it's time we get the rest of the girls together for this. We need to figure out what's going on. Sweetie, I want you to come with us. I'm not leaving you home alone when there could be some ruffian going around stirring up trouble."
"Ooh, cool!" said Sweetie, having regained a bit of her energy. She always enjoyed going to Twilight's castle, after all. It was so big, and... crystal-y. And with that, the three ponies headed out toward Twilight's castle, for the sake of hopefully getting to the bottom of all this nonsense.
~Some Time Later...~
Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were all collected together in the castle's throne room, along with Spike and Sweetie Belle. The element bearers were each seated in their respective thrones, aside from Twilight, who had brought a large blackboard into the room, for the sake of organizing all of their collective information.
"So," said Twilight, standing in front of the blackboard next to Spike, "As of now, a total of four of us have had something bad happen to us since yesterday. Yesterday, I had my house broken into, and that same night, Applejack's barn was burned down. And today, Pinkie Pie's frosting was stolen, and Rarity's house was vandalized with said frosting."
"They covered your house with frosting?!" Rainbow said, turning to Rarity. "Pfft, that's great!"
"It was not great," said Rarity, who had Sweetie Belle seated next to her. "They took advantage of my poor little sister, and tried to frame her for frosting theft!"
"Yeah, and my barn got burned down too. That part ain't so funny, is it?" said Applejack.
"Yeah, yeah, I guess not," said Rainbow. "Still, are we absolutely, positively sure Discord isn't behind this? Seems like when something's this fishy, he's got to have something to do with it."
Rainbow crossed her front legs and sat back in her seat, but straightened back up again when a familiar voice entered her ears. "Well, that's just not nice."
"GAH!" Rainbow jumped out of her seat and turned around, finding herself hovering in front of the apparently upside-down face of Discord himself. "Hey, I told you to stop doing that! And why are you upside-down?!"
"Why, Rainbow, I'm not upside down. You are!"
"What? No I'm not-" Rainbow looked to the side briefly to find that she indeed was upside down. "What the-?!" She quickly righted herself and looked back at everyone else. "What was that?! Did you guys see what he just did?"
"Well, he is right," said Applejack. "You were upside down."
"What?!" said Rainbow, not remotely understanding what just happened. "How did-?!"
"Come now, Rainbow," said Discord, floating down to the ground behind her chair. "Do you honestly think I would stoop this low? Home invasion, arson, theft, vandalism... Why, these read more like straight-up crimes than simple pranks."
"Yes," said Twilight, trying to redirect attention back to herself, "We've ruled out Discord by this point. This doesn't at all align with the chaos he would cause, even before he was reformed. And even then, there's also the fact that we have no less than two eyewitness accounts proving that this was the work of not a draconequis, but a pony!"
"A pony with a red cape!" added Pinkie.
"A red cape? Huh. I guess that makes sense," said Rainbow. "I can't think of any cape-wearers I know that aren't total weirdos. Adult ones, anyway."
"Yes, that's right. The red cape is important, because it links my home invasion with Rarity's vandalism. Sweetie Belle, you said the guy who vandalized your house had this red cape, right?"
Sweetie Belle was clearly enjoying sitting next to Rarity on her throne. "Yep! That was the only thing I remembered about him."
"Right. Now, when all this started happening, I thought there might be some connection between these events. But, I never had anything concrete... until about one hour ago!" That clearly got everyone else in the room more invested, which Twilight was subconsciously a little proud of. "You see, I was outside my house this morning, when I spotted a certain something hanging off one of the trees nearby. Spike, would you care to do the honors?" She looked down at Spike, who seemed to be looking around for the exact thing he was supposed to show off.
"Uh, one second," said Spike, as he got on all fours and crawled under the blackboard. "Aha, here it is!" He tried to stand up, only to hit his head on the underside of it. "OW!"
Spike eventually managed to get out from under the blackboard, and he stood up and held the object in the air for everyone to see - a torn piece of red fabric. This elicited a good few gasps from the ponies present.
"Thank you, Spike," said Twilight, levitating the cloth piece from his claw. "This piece of evidence singlehoofedly links my home invasion with Pinkie's frosting theft and Rarity's home vandalism. And, while no evidence we know of was left at Applejack's barn, we can believe that's linked too by sheer virtue of these things happening so close together."
"So, wait, are you saying some pony is targeting the six of us?" said Rainbow, smacking her hooves onto the table. "Who would even do that?"
"That's what we're here to find out. By Pinkie's description, he sports an orange coat and a blue mane." She brought up a few pieces of differently-colored chalk, and scribbled together a rough side-view of what their culprit might look like. "Pinkie, do you remember what type of pony he was, or what his cutie mark looked like?"
"Hmm. I don't think I remember seeing a horn, but he might've had wings under that cape. And I think the cape covered his cutie mark, too," said Pinkie. "Oh, and his mane was a different shade of blue than that. It was more of, like, a cerulean, with maybe a little cornflower blue mixed in."
"Uh, alright," said Twilight, surprised both that Pinkie's memory was so good, and that she was so well-versed in the color blue. She turned back to the board and concentrated on the mane she had drawn, magically altering its color a bit. "Is that closer to what you remember?"
"The spitting image!" said Pinkie.
"Alright, so we can rule out 'unicorn' for now," said Twilight, as she wrote "Earth pony or pegasus?" on the board. "Did he give you any kind of name?"
"Yep!" said Pinkie. "He said his name is 'Pony Guy'." That got a mixture of laughter and confused comments from the rest of the room.
"Pony Guy? Seriously?" Rainbow exclaimed.
"Well, that's obviously a fake name," said Twilight. "A bad one, at that. Still, I'll write it down anyway." Twilight wrote "Pony Guy" in particularly large quotation marks underneath the drawing of him. "And, just to be sure, Fluttershy, Rainbow, you two haven't had anything happen to you yet?"
"Nope," said Rainbow, "Nothing. Besides, if he's not a pegasus, he's gonna have a hard time getting to my house anyway. What about you, Fluttershy?"
"Huh? Oh, no. I didn't even know all this was going on until this morning."
"Well," said Twilight, putting the chalk down, "I think that's all the information we have. So, just to summarize, we're on the lookout for a pony with a blue mane, orange coat, and most importantly, a red cape."
"And, just out of curiosity, what do we plan on doing when we find him?" asked Rarity.
"Well, ask him why he's doing what he's doing, for one thing," said Twilight. "Then we can try and talk some sense into him."
"And get some compensation for burnin' down my barn!" said Applejack. "Boy, I can't wait to hear how he tries to explain that."
"And if he doesn't cooperate, we can start teaching him some good old 'friendship lessons'!" Rainbow said, punching her hooves together.
"We'll just have to see once we know exactly what we're dealing with," said Twilight. "This is the first pony we've ever had fight against us without any kind of magic. Whatever his motivations are, he seems determined."
"Determined to do what, though?" said Rainbow, hovering up into the air. "This is just a bunch of random annoying stuff he's doing to us! What's he even trying to do, here?"
"I really don't know," said Twilight. "But whatever his reasons are, we've gotta put a stop to it. So, my best idea is that we should all go around asking ponies if they've seen this guy anywhere, and if so, where they've seen him last. Does that sound fine to the rest of you?"
"Well, I suppose we don't really have any other options," said Rarity. "Besides, the day is still young. We should have plenty of time to find this pony if he's anywhere in town."
"What about me? Do I get to come too?" asked Sweetie Belle, who certainly seemed like she wanted to.
"Sweetie, this pony could be dangerous," said Rarity. "You should stay here with Spike. The security of a castle - and a dragon guarding you - gives me more peace of mind than our own house."
"Yeah, as long as Twilight actually locks her windows this time," said Rainbow.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Right. Discord, would you be willing to help us look?"
Discord, however, had evidently fallen asleep, or at least pretended to. "W-Huh?" He said, jolting awake. "Oh, right. What's that, Twilight?"
Twilight sighed. "Are you going to help us look for him?"
"Oh!" Discord said, surprised. "Well, sure. I suppose I don't have anything better to do. Let me just clear my schedule," he said, conjuring up a notepad and hastily erasing some things off it.
"Great. In that case, ponies, and draconequis, let's move out!" Each pony got up from their thrones and started to file out.
"What about me?" said Spike. "I wanna find out who this guy is too!"
"Spike, he might end up coming back here. We need you to watch Sweetie Belle and the castle while we're gone. Is that okay with you?"
"Oh, alright, fine."
- * - * - * -
Guy sat in his motel room, pacing around and imagining the various sorts of possibilities his latest escapade might have led to. Man, I bet that's gonna be so confusing for them, he thought. I wish I was there to see it.
He went over to his bed and laid down on it, mostly pleased with how well his plan was going so far. "Who says you need magic to be a villain?" he said to himself, laughing. "No, wait, I gotta do better than that. Guy let out a much louder laugh this time, one that he thought was far more menacingly evil-sounding. Now that was a laugh he was satisfied with.
"Hey, shut up down there!" he heard someone say from upstairs.
Guy ignored them, however, and continued in his self-reflecting. While not all his pranks had gone particularly well - that barn thing was just about the worst thing he'd ever done - he was still pretty confident that both the book rearranging and the icing pranks weren't too bad. Two out of three is fine, right?
Still, Guy would at least admit he might have jumped into this whole thing a little too fast. Back in Canterlot he always took the time to properly plan out his schemes, but here he's just kinda been improvising on the spot. That would probably explain why his successes were more... sporadic here. Besides, he was probably kinda rusty on the whole thing. He hadn't done this stuff for years, after all. Regardless of that, though, he was having fun, and that was what counted, right?
"Man, I should go into theater. I bet I could play a villain pretty well," he said. Clearly, out of everything this villain business was doing for him, it certainly wasn't boosting his modesty. He started imagining the various villain-esque roles he could play, but stopped suddenly. He sat up in his bed as an unusually uneasy feeling overtook him.
Something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but he had that feeling. That feeling you get that something bad is going to happen soon, but you don't have the slightest idea what it is. He didn't know what had brought this upon him, but he sure as heck didn't like it.
"Yeesh," Guy said, getting off his bed. "I need to get some fresh air."
Much to Guy's relief, stepping back out into the fresh air of Ponyville did help quell his unease a bit, despite the fact that he couldn't have been in his motel room for longer than, like, five minutes. Adjusting his cape a bit, he set out into town to start finalizing what would, hopefully, be the end of the beginning of his villainous career. He was certainly delighted at how fast things were progressing, considering he'd only arrived in Ponyville yesterday. He'd barely been here a full twenty-four hours, and already he was two-thirds of the way through the initial antics with Twilight and co.
Still, though, something was getting at him - and it was that, perhaps, he was taking things a bit too fast here. He'd gotten so caught up in pranking the Element Bearers that, well, some of his exploits hadn't quite turned out the way he intended, to say the least. He'd nearly been caught by Twilight, after all, and then a matter of mere hours later, he accidentally burned down Applejack's barn. The frosting prank had to have went well, he incorrectly imagined, but the other two things nagged at him. He could've done better.
Alright, alright, Guy thought to himself, stopping in the middle of a busy street as a few irritated ponies bumped into him. You're right, me. I'm going too fast here. No reason to rush, I've got plenty of time for this. I need to take the time to actually plan out what I'm doing. You know, like back in Canterlot. No more playing it by ear. It's time to bring back the old Guy Pony pranking skills, darn it! With that ringing in his mind, Guy resumed his walking again. He'd decided that, if there was anywhere he was gonna apply this newfound philosophy, it was by making Fluttershy his next target.
Guy looked down at the ground in a deep state of thought, forgetting that he was still walking, and thus not watching where he was going. Though, where am I gonna start with that? How will I plan this out? He was rather surprised he couldn't think of a way to begin with this, given his previous experience - perhaps the unfamiliarity of the place was throwing him off. Perhaps he just needed to recall what he did for one of his previous pranks.
Yeah, there's an idea, Guy thought to himself. The question was, however, what would serve as a good reference to use? Guy racked his brain, trying to recall the last prank he'd attempted before coming to Ponyville.
~ Approximately One Year Ago ~
"PARDON ME!"
Guy dashed through the halls of Canterlot Castle, narrowly avoiding the various ponies employed in the place - most importantly, the guards. In fact, by this point, he'd built up a nicely-sized team of 12 guards chasing after him, yet he was showing no sign of slowing down.
"Stop! You are resisting arrest!" one of the pursuing guards shouted.
"I know you are, but what am I!?" Guy knew that response made zero sense, but he didn't really care. He needed to get the heck out of that castle, and, thanks to his actually-thought-out planning, he wasn't doing too bad of a job of it. The previous day, he'd taken the time to get a tour of the place, and as such, he'd memorized a good amount of the general layout - including the route back to the entrance.
Ha-ha! I'm practically home free! However, as if Guy had jinxed himself, something unexpected came up. A fold in the long, red carpet on the floor - one that was fairly small, yet not quite small enough - came up, and Guy soon found himself tripping over it and skidding across the floor on his face. That was the one thing he didn't account for - it was nighttime by now, and as such the place wasn't all that well-lit. By the time he'd righted himself, he was surrounded by guards.
"Surrender yourself, intruder! There's nowhere else to run!" One of them said, stepping closer to Guy.
Well, this is a predicament. Guess I should keep the charade going. "Yeah? And what if I don't?"
"Then we will capture you, one way or another!" The guard said, bringing his spear down and pointing it at him.
Guy looked down at the spear, surprised. "Isn't that a little excessive? I don't think I did anything that warrants lethal force."
"Terrorizing Princess Celestia while she's asleep absolutely warrants lethal force!"
"Oh, come on!" said Guy, walking up to the tip of the spear. "All I did was throw some firecrackers down her chimney! You should've seen the expression she had when they finally went off."
"No, I shouldn't have, being that I wasn't spying on her through her bedroom window!" The guard poked him a bit with the spear, for dramatic effect. "Now, come with us, or face the consequences!"
Guy, on the other hand, had grown a bit tired of arguing with this guard. He looked over at one to the right of him. "Hey, you wanna argue with me instead? This guy's getting boring."
~~~
Guy let out a painful "OOF!" as he hit the ground outside the gates of Canterlot Castle.
Guy got back onto his hooves, dusted himself off, and looked back toward the castle, mainly at the guards who had just thrown him out. He thought about saying some kind of final snarky remark toward them, but he bit his tounge just as he saw someone walk up behind them.
...Sweet Celestia, that's Celestia. She stopped behind the guards and took a good, wordless look at Guy. For just a brief moment, the two of them managed to make eye contact, sending a spontaneous chill down his spine.
"And stay out!" A guard said, and he shut the doors, hard enough to practically cause a small earthquake.
"...Huh," Guy said to himself. "That wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Should've just let myself get captured in the first place." Nothing but a brief questioning, and then they just threw him back out of the castle. Nothing else to it.
As much as a relief that was, seeing Celestia for that brief moment kinda spooked him. She certainly had an intimidating presence about her, like many ponies said. But, still, that wasn't what got him the most about that brief interaction. No, what had particularly surprised him was the expression on her face. For whatever reason, she didn't look angry. In fact, she actually looked kind of amused.
Strange. Well, regardless, I think that's that. I'd call this a successful pranking. With nothing else left to do here, Guy headed back home.
~ Back in the present time ~
"That's IT!" Guy shouted, startling the ponies in the vicinity of himself. "Why didn't I think about this before?! I just need to scope the place out beforehand!" Suddenly realizing that he was talking out loud, he sheepishly looked around at the various ponies giving him suspicious looks before he went back to his walking and thinking routine.
It's so simple. Seriously, this is extremely basic stuff. Why didn't I think about this before? Jeez, I really have gotten rusty.
With renewed purpose, Guy increased his walking speed, enthusiastic about being able to pull what could be his best prank yet. However, he ended up stopping himself about as quickly as he'd started. Oh, wait. I... don't actually know where Fluttershy lives. His previous victims' houses were easy enough to find, given that they all lived in notable landmarks or well-known businesses, but as for Fluttershy, he didn't have the slightest idea where her house was. Or what she even did for a living, for that matter.
Shoot. How am I gonna find her house? He looked around at the various ponies going about their business. He was sure one of them probably knew, but did he really want to risk compromising his situation? He didn't want anyone to know what he was up to.
Unfortunately, however, it didn't seem like he really had any other options. Looking around, he noticed a unicorn a little ways away, sitting in a rather odd manner on a park bench. For whatever reason, Guy felt that if there was any pony he should ask about Fluttershy's residence, it would be the only pony who remotely stood out to him in any way. And as such, Guy found himself walking up to her.
"Hey, excuse me? Ma'am?" Guy said, stopping in front of her.
The greenish-cyan unicorn looked at Guy. "Let me guess. You wanna know why I'm sitting this way, right? It's because it's comfortable. That's all."
"Huh? No, that's not what I was gonna ask."
"Oh, really? Sorry, I get that a lot. What'd you need?"
"I was just wondering if you knew where Fluttershy lives. You know, yellow pegasus, Element of Kindness bearer, good with animals, all that."
"Oh, alright, I see. I'm guessing you've got a pet or something that needs attention?"
Oh, so that's what she does. "Uh, yeah, my cat's, uh... barking a lot. It's real bad."
"Your cat's barking?"
"Yeah, it's weird, right? It's a serious problem. I gotta get her advice on that."
"Well, she lives just outside Ponyville, near the Everfree Forest. In fact, I think if you head that way" - She pointed directly behind her - "and stay on the path, you should be able to find her house pretty easy. I don't think she's home right now, though, I think I saw her walking around town with Twilight and the rest a few minutes ago."
Wait, what? That last part caught him off guard. The six of them were walking around town together? Oh, crap. I'd better get out of here. It's lucky enough I haven't been seen by them even by this point. "Well, I think I'll head over there and, I dunno, leave a note or something, then," Guy said, his anxiousness (and talking speed) increasing as he continued with the sentence. "Thanks for the help, gotta go, bye!" And with that, Guy dashed off in the direction of Fluttershy's house before the unicorn had even had a chance to reply.
Before long, Guy found himself just outside of Ponyville, and to his delight, could see what appeared to be Fluttershy's cottage at the end of the path he was walking. Yeesh, she wasn't kidding about her place being near the Everfree Forest, Guy thought to himself. In fact, the path up to her house was literally right next to said forest. Guy could practically feel the spookiness radiating from the place as he walked by. At the very least, though, he could get some solace from the fact that he knew Fluttershy wasn't home. That allowed him to survey the place completely hindrance-free.
As he finally got to the cottage, he took notice of how lively the place was. Like, literally. There were a lot of living things around. Right next to her house was a multitude of birdhouses, all occupied with a multitude of birds, and even along the path there were various small critters that Guy almost didn't even notice - rabbits, squirrels, even a groundhog. She must really like animals. Though, I guess that makes sense giving that she apparently works with them.
Once he reached the front door, he, for whatever reason, started getting that urge to try the "ring the doorbell and run away" trick like before. He already knew she wasn't home, but it still couldn't hurt to try, right?
Ah, screw it. Guy walked up to the front door, gave it a good few hard knocks, and sprinted for the nearest bush. He jumped toward it, but, evidently, misjudged the jump height needed, and instead soared right over it, falling directly into the pond in front of her house.
SPLASH!
After a moment, Guy surfaced, spitting a good deal of pond water (and a couple fish) out of his mouth. "Eugh. Not my proudest moment." Suddenly remembering what he was doing, he jerked his vision back toward the front door, and prepared to duck back underwater if needed. However, to his relief, no one opened it.
Thank Celestia for that, Guy thought as he stepped out of the pond and shook some of the water off himself like a wet dog. He had no idea why more ponies didn't do that. It worked pretty well.
Guy walked back up to the front of the cottage, looking at the two main methods of entry - the front door and the window. I suppose I could try the front door for a change, said Guy. He grabbed the knob and turned it. No dice. Turns out Fluttershy, like any pony with common sense, locks her front door when she's gone.
That figures. Oh well, time to try the classic option. Guy reached for the front window and pulled on it. Miraculously, it opened with essentially zero resistance. Aha! I knew it would be weird if Twilight was the only one who didn't lock her windows. Guy climbed through, inadvertently letting his leg get caught in the process, which caused him to fall right into the cottage - directly onto his face.
Not even bothering to dignify that with an "Ow", Guy got himself back onto his hooves to be met with the rather nice, cozy-looking interior of Fluttershy's house. Given what he'd heard about Fluttershy in the past, this seemed like exactly the sort of place you'd expect her to live. Guy walked around, admiring all the neat little aspects of the place.
Nice place she has here, especially for a cottage. So many pranking possibilities, too... Just gotta think of one. Though Guy's head was already stirring with various potential ideas, he decided that he should probably head upstairs to survey whatever's up there as well. Potentially figure out an escape route as well. But the moment he began to walk over to the staircase, he heard a noise behind him. A rather unusual noise, at that. It sounded like someone clearing their throat, except, like, really high-pitched.
Guy turned around, only to come into eye contact with a small white rabbit, no bigger than his own head, sitting atop a shelf. Whatever it was doing there, it didn't look particularly happy to see him. Guy, however, remained oblivious to this fact.
"Awwww!" said Guy, walking up to the critter. "Aren't you adorable? You must be Fluttershy's pet, right?" He noticed a food bowl on the floor nearby, with what appeared to be the rabbit's name on it. "Angel, is it?"
The rabbit responded by getting particularly close to Guy's face and belting out some noises, which could only really be described as "angry rabbit sounds".
Guy stepped back, startled. "Wow. Alright, then. I have no idea what you just said, but I'm just gonna keep looking around, if it's all the same to you." However, just as Guy turned his back on Angel, he felt something whizz by his head. "GAH!" Guy said, jumping about a foot to the right and seeing the object - a decent-sized book - smash into the wall and hit the floor.
Guy looked at the book for a moment, then back to Angel. "Did... you just throw a book at me?"
Angel responded by making some more angry rabbit sounds, and then pointing to the door.
"...Ohhhhhh. I see." Guy walked back over to the door and turned back to angel. "You want me to leave, is that it?"
Angel nodded.
"Well, I can't oblige with your request, little guy. Sorry," said Guy, walking back over to him. "If it's any consolation, I'm not here to steal anything. I just wanna check the place out."
This time, Angel didn't make a direct response, instead choosing to pick up another object from the shelf he was on - a coffee mug, in this instance - and hold it over his head.
"So is that how this is gonna go, then?" Guy said, adopting an amused smile. "You're gonna throw stuff at me until I leave?"
Angel nodded again, this time making a "MM-HM!" sound as well.
Well, Guy, this is your first villain confrontation, and it's with a bunny. That's real nice. Still, though, Guy hadn't had a villain fight of any kind yet, so he did kinda want to try it out. And the thing was apparently strong enough to throw a book at him, so... Who knows? It could be fun.
Guy lowered himself a bit closer to the ground, adopting something that vaguely resembled a fighting stance. "Very well, then! Gimme your best shot! May the best pony... or, bunny... win!"
Angel paused for a moment, shrugged, and hurled the mug directly at Guy. Guy jumped back, the mug nearly missing his face and shattering off a wall instead. "You fight well! But two can play at this game!" Guy grabbed a picture frame from the wall and hurled it at Angel. Guy fully expected him to jump out of the way in time, but his heart jumped into his throat just as he saw the frame collide with Angel and knock him off the shelf, both the frame and the rabbit falling behind it.
...Oh, shoot. If he'd just killed Fluttershy's pet, that was it. He was done. Guy ran over to the shelf, trying to peer behind it. "Uh, are you okay? Seriously, please tell me you're okay." Guy finally managed to pull the shelf forward a bit to get a better look, and promptly got a smack to the face with the exact same picture frame.
"OW!" Guy said, falling onto his back. "You cunning little...!" Guy righted himself back onto his hooves, only to see Angel back on the shelf, perfectly fine and wearing a very, very smug grin. "Oh, it is on!"
The ensuing battle was truly one for the ages. Comprised entirely of the two of them throwing every object they could find at each other, the two of them were surprisingly evenly matched - and were also completely wrecking Fluttershy's house. Picture frames were shattered, sofas were torn, shelves were knocked over, yet neither of them were showing any signs of stopping. They were just too into this by now.
Guy, however, was taking significantly more hits than Angel was. Partially due to a rabbit being a much smaller target, and also because, to Guy, it seemed, this rabbit was just extremely stubborn. Seemed like it would do practically anything to protect its home - even if that meant destroying a good portion of it.
The fight eventually carried over into the kitchen, which in turn made for a change of artillery. Guy had resorted to throwing carrots at Angel, for the sake of irony, while Angel refused to hold back and elected to throw entire plates at Guy. Guy narrowly dodged a plate as it soared right above his head and shattered against the wall. "Jeez, you're insane!" Guy's ammunition, while bearing a shape more suited to air travel, suffered from being rather small and hard to hit anything with. As such, he finally threw his carrots off to the side. "Alright, that's not fair! Your weapons are way better than mine!"
To his surprised, this outburst actually caused Angel to stop for a moment. He put his tiny paw up to his chin, looked back to Guy, and tossed the plate he was holding to him - that is, he deliberately gave him the plate.
Guy caught the plate out of the air. "Woah. Wait, really? You're actually giving me a fair shot here?"
Angel, instead of responding, jumped onto the counter and opened the silverware drawer.
"...You've got to be kidding me."
Guy was quickly proven wrong as a fork flew by his head and stuck itself into the wall. This fork was followed by a spoon, then a butter knife, both of which Guy managed to block with his plate. "HEY!" said Guy, angered at the pure snideness of Angel's battle strategies. Unfortunately, he had a hard time thinking of anything to follow up that 'HEY" with. "Those... are not good table manners."
Angel responded by reaching down into the drawer and pulling out a full-fledged knife, one that was roughly twice the length of Angel himself.
"Woah," said Guy, dropping his plate on the floor. "You just hold on one second. We're getting into dangerous territory here."
Angel wound up his throw.
"Didn't Fluttershy ever tell you not to play with knives?!"
The knife flew right by, missing him by a few inches. "GAH!" Guy said, shocked that he'd just nearly been killed by a bunny. Darn it, Guy, you're in too deep! You've really bitten off more than you can chew this time! But... still, he couldn't give up now.
Adopting some rather unconvincing fake confidence, Guy turned back to Angel. "HAH! You missed! What're you gonna do now?!"
Angel responded by pulling roughly six more knives out of the drawer.
"...Oh, Celestia."
Guy belted out of the kitchen before Angel even had the chance to propel a knife at him. Holy crap, this rabbit's freakin' psychotic! I've gotta get out of here! Spotting the window he came in through, he ran right for it, not even bothering to see if the practical Angel of Death was behind him. He jumped through, landed, shut the window, and ran off, not even wanting to bother with that house of horrors anymore.
Angel, on the other hand, was satisfied he'd managed to scare the intruder off. However, this satisfaction quickly disappeared as he realized his home was wrecked from top to bottom. After thinking for a moment, Angel decided to head to the kitchen in hopes that he could at least help clean things up by eating those carrots strewn about the place.
"Haven't seen anypony like that, to my memory. Sorry."
"That's alright, thanks for your help anyway."
Twilight had just finished asking her twenty-third pony of the day about the potential whereabouts of this "Pony Guy", and it might as well have been her first. She'd gotten nowhere closer to finding anypony who'd seen him anywhere, although there's only so much success you can reasonably expect when you're just going around asking random ponies. Discord had elected to go off by himself, using his "own methods" to find the pony, so they didn't have his magic at their disposal either.
"Perhaps we should change our strategy," said Rarity. "For instance, we should consider what sort of places somepony new to town would head for first."
"She's got a point," said Applejack. "Maybe he's shopped at a store or somethin' while he's been here. Why don't we try askin' around in the market?"
"That's a good idea," said Twilight. "We should-"
Just as she began her sentence, however, she stopped. "Wait, do you hear that?" She looked around a bit, trying to discern the source of the sound - it sounded like somepony calling "Fluttershy".
Pinkie ended up finding the source of the sound first. "Ooh, girls! It's Lyra!" She pointed her hoof to the unicorn she spoke of, who was sitting on a park bench a good ways away.
"Oh! Well, I suppose we can ask her as well," said Twilight. The six ponies headed over to the bench Lyra was seated on, a bit curious as to why she was calling for Fluttershy specifically.
"Hello, Lyra," said Fluttershy, as the six of them walked up. "It's nice to see you today."
"You too," said Lyra. "I just wanted to let you know, there was somepony looking for you earlier."
"Wait, really?!" said Twilight, butting into the conversation. "What did they look like?"
"Look like?" said Lyra, putting her hoof to her chin. "Well, I remember he was wearing a red cape. Said his cat was barking, or something. Asked for directions to Fluttershy's house."
"AHA!" said Rainbow, flying in between them. "So we have a lead! And we know his next target: Fluttershy!"
"Oh no!" said Fluttershy, who had adopted a very worried look on her face. "But Angel's all there by himself! Who knows what might happen to him?"
"Yeah, we need to get to Fluttershy's, pronto!" said Rainbow.
"Right! Thanks for the help, Lyra!" said Twilight. And with that, the six of them dashed towards the direction of Fluttershy's house, leaving a rather confused Lyra behind.
"If this good for nothin' varmint burned down Fluttershy's house I might just straight up deck him in the face when we find him," said Applejack.
"That makes two of us," added Rainbow.
Soon enough, the six of them reached Fluttershy's place, which they were relieved to find was seemingly completely intact. At least, aside from the front window being wide open. "It looks like he's already been here," said Twilight, peering into the house. "Oh my gosh. Fluttershy, you might want to take a look at this."
"What is it?" asked Fluttershy, walking up to the window herself. She peered inside, and let out a gasp. "Oh no!" Without warning, she flew inside through the window in a haste.
"What?" said Rainbow. "What is it?!"
"You should probably see for yourselves," said Twilight. She slowly opened the door, revealing a rather surprising sight. That is, the house was completely wrecked from top to bottom. Sofas were torn, knives were stuck in the walls, picture frames were shattered, and in the center of it all laid an unmoving Angel Bunny on the floor, with Fluttershy at his side, trying to nudge him awake.
"Angel!" Fluttershy frantically said. "Angel, wake up!"
Angel, after a moment, let out a long yawn, opened his eyes, and pushed himself onto his feet. It seemed apparent to everyone that he'd gained a significant amount of weight, somehow.
Fluttershy sighed. "Oh, I'm so relieved. Was that bad pony here? Did he do all this?"
Angel looked off to the side for just a second, then back to Fluttershy. He gave a quick, affirmative nod.
"And how did you get so... you know," Fluttershy said, not able to think of a nice way to put Angel's rotund figure. "He didn't do anything to you, did he?"
This time, Angel took a good few seconds to respond to her question, seeming like he was trying to think of a response. Finally, he let out a series of rabbit noises that, while they didn't mean anything to anypony else, were enough to make Fluttershy gasp. "He did what?!"
"What is it?!" Asked Rainbow. "What did he do?"
Fluttershy looked back at the rest of the ponies. "He says the pony forced him to eat all the carrots in the house!"
That statement was met with a series of gasps to match Fluttershy's. "What?!" said Pinkie, the first to say something. "That's awful!"
"Breaking into my house and destroying my belongings is one thing," said Fluttershy, "but torturing a sweet, innocent animal is NOT something I'm just going to put up with!"
"Fluttershy's right," said Rarity, now more determined than ever to find this pony. "Let's search the house, girls! We must find anything that can possibly lead us to this ruffian."
~Just a little while ago...~
Guy ran for the outskirts of the Everfree Forest, not bothering to look behind him as he dove into the nearest bush he could find. He peeked out at the house, hoping desperately that Angel hadn't followed him outside. He must've watched the house for a good five minutes before feeling safe enough to make any movement. Not wanting to get back on the main path for the time being, he instead decided to travel along the edge of the forest, for the sake of ducking behind a tree or bush if need be.
After a fair amount of walking, Guy stopped himself. What's that I hear? Are those... hoofsteps? Using his quick thinking properly for once, Guy hid himself behind a conveniently-placed tree and peeked out from behind it. Come on, the last thing I need right now is to be seen. He hoped that whoever was on their way would just pass by quickly, allowing him to continue on back to Ponyville. However, seeing exactly who it was that was coming up the path didn't exactly ease his nerves.
Turns out, there were a lot more hoofsteps than Guy thought - more specifically, the hoofsteps of Twilight and her friends. Oh great, just what I need. What are they all in such a hurry for, anyway? Guy contemplated this for a moment as they ran by. Wait... Are they looking for me?
Guy quickly dismissed that thought, though. Nah, no. They can't be. There's no way they've already found me out. Guy waited for the six of them to get far enough away, and then continued his trek back to Ponyville. Once he arrived, he inevitably ended up passing by that helpful unicorn from earlier, whose name he couldn't remember. Probably because she never told it to him. He tried to rush by, but couldn't help but stop once she called for him.
"Hey! Guy with the cape!"
Guy turned around and walked over to the bench. "Oh, uh, hey. You need something?"
"I just wanted to let you know that Fluttershy and the rest of them just headed for her house. Apparently, the six of them are looking for you."
Guy's body ceased all movement as he went completely wide-eyed. Wait. What? "I- I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"...The six of them are looking for you?"
In that instant, Guy's entire world went a bit darker as a huge sense of pure dread overcame him. They're... looking for me? How? How did they figure me out so fast?!
Lyra, on the other hand, had taken notice of Guy's look of complete terror. "Uh... Are you okay? You might still be able to catch up to them if you head back to Fluttershy's."
Guy still found himself unable to respond, too absorbed in his own sudden sense of fear. He anxiously looked around himself, realizing that everyone in town was now a potential eyewitness who could let the Element Bearers know about his location at any moment. "Oh no," he barely managed to say as he slowly stepped away from Lyra. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, this is bad."
"What's bad? I don't understand. What's going on between you and them?"
Instead of answering, Guy instead picked up his pace and ran off, determined to get back to his motel room as soon as possible. I knew I should've been more careful! Everypony knows evil plans only go well when you actually plan them out! What am I gonna do now?! Everything's gone wrong! Guy certainly knew he couldn't fight them, and he sure as heck couldn't be walking around town with the six of them on a town-scale pony hunt. The only thing he could think to do was retreat to his motel room. He knew he'd be safe there, at least. It was a good thing it was right on this street he ran down.
Much to Guy's relief, he managed to make it to the motel, and then his room, without being stopped by anypony else. He yanked the door open, ran inside, shut it, locked it, and closed the blinds. Alright, okay, Guy thought to himself, letting his breathing relax a bit now that he wasn't out in the open. Gotta compose myself. I'm alone now. I've got all the time I need to figure out where to go from here.
Now, Guy's initial plan when he came to Ponyville was to prank all six of the Element Bearers, and then finally reveal himself as their new nemesis. So far, however, he'd only gotten four out of six, and the remaining two seemed completely unfeasible. On top of that, he was seriously getting cold hooves about the whole concept of actually meeting Twilight and the rest - especially after burning down Applejack's barn, and being part of the destruction of most of Fluttershy's home. Who knew what they were willing to do to him at this point?
Guy knew that, as an earth pony, he stood no chance against a team of two of his own kind, plus two pegasi and two unicorns. He'd be completely at their mercy. Therefore, letting them catch him would, quite frankly, be a terrible idea. So, what was left?
"...I think I'm gonna have to put this whole villain thing on hold," said Guy, sitting on his bed. "I have got to get out of Ponyville, stat." And with that, he grabbed his suitcase and started stuffing his belongings inside, too frantic to worry about organization. He slowed a bit, though, when another thought came to mind. I should probably wait until nighttime to head back to Canterlot, though. Just for the sake of not being seen. As long as I can get myself on that train, I'm home free.
~Meanwhile...~
Twilight and the rest eventually made it back to Ponyville, the six of them a bit disappointed that they hadn't found any more leads as to where they might find the dastardly "Pony Guy".
"Ugh! He was practically right under our noses, too!" said Rainbow.
"He's a slippery one, alright," said Applejack. "Looks like we're gonna have to keep askin' around if anypony's seen him."
The six of them ended up passing by Lyra for the second time as Applejack said this. "Well, just to be sure, let's ask Lyra again. Maybe she saw him again while we were gone," said Twilight.
Just as the six of them walked up to Lyra, she voiced some kind of mock annoyance. "Let me guess, you're gonna ask me about that pony again?"
"Er... Yeah, that's right," said Twilight, a bit sheepishly. "How'd you know?"
Lyra finally got off the bench and onto her hooves. "Alright, what is it with you six and this guy? Have you been chasing each other around all day?"
"More like we're chasing him!" said Rainbow, flying in front of everyone else. "This guy's been messing with us ever since he got to Ponyville!"
"That's right," said Twilight. "He broke into my home just to rearrange my library."
"He burned down my barn!"
"He stole my frosting!"
"He tried to frame both me and my sister for said frosting theft!"
"He did terrible things to Angel Bunny..."
Lyra stood there for a second, wide-eyed. "...Wow. That's a lot. You know, I thought there was something off about him." She looked at Rainbow Dash. "I'm guessing he hasn't done anything to you, then?"
"Nope," said Rainbow. "And I totally get why. But, still, we've gotta find him! Have you seen him while we were gone?"
"Actually, yeah," said Lyra. "I told him you guys were looking for him, and he suddenly got all scared-looking. Guess I understand why, now. He went over in that direction." She pointed down the street she'd watch the pony wordlessly dash down.
"Thanks, Lyra!" said Pinkie. "Let's go get him!" The six of them ran off, closer than ever to finding the pony who'd been an awful thorn in their collective sides.
"...Yep, just a typical day in Ponyville," said Lyra, sitting back on her favorite bench.
"There's a lot of buildings down this road," said Twilight as she ran, looking around for one that would make sense for the pony to be inside. "The dentist, a bar, an optometrist... Where do you girls think he might be?"
"Well, let's see," said Applejack. "Where would a pony who's just visiting town stay?"
As if on cue, they found their answer - they'd just ran right in front of the Ponyville Motel. The six of them skidded to a halt. "Oh, this place!" said Rarity. "Why, I was just here yesterday."
"Do you think he might be staying here?" asked Twilight.
"It's certainly possible," said Rarity. "It wouldn't hurt to ask."
The six ponies entered the main lobby of the hotel, the same pony working the front desk as always. He greeted them with a smile as they entered. "Oh, hello everyone. What can I do for you?"
"Hello," said Twilight, walking up to the desk. "We're looking for somepony, and we have reason to believe they might be staying here. I was just wondering if you could tell us whether they are or not."
"Certainly," said the pony, opening the book on his desk. "What's their name?"
"Well," Twilight said, rubbing the back of her neck. "I... don't really know. Do you have anything under 'Pony Guy'?"
The pony read over the book for a moment, and shook his head. "Nope. Nothing like that, sorry."
"Alright, thanks anyw-" Twilight's sentence was interrupted as Pinkie popped up next to her. "Well, do you know if you've seen anything weird go on here lately? Any real suspicious types come in?"
"Actually, yes, now that I think about it," said the pony, putting his hoof up to his chin. "Just yesterday, I had to serve a rather interesting customer. He acted pretty strangely when he noticed that you were present, Rarity."
"Of course he did," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm surprised I didn't see him."
"Well, he was hiding behind his suitcase, for whatever reason. Once you left, he paid for a room with a rather unusually large amount of cash. I believe it was under..." The pony looked over the book again. "...Yes, it was specifically under the name 'Fake Name'."
That got a snicker from Applejack. "Really now? Well, that's gotta be him. Is he even tryin' anymore?"
"I thought it strange too, but we have no policy against it, so I allowed it. If you want to visit him, I can provide you with his room number. I'm not sure if he's in right now, though."
"That would be great!" said Twilight. "Looks like we're closer than ever to finding this 'Pony Guy'."
~Meanwhile, again...~
Guy finished stuffing every one of his belongings in his suitcase, and he shut it closed. Alright. Okay. Now I just need to wait until nighttime. Just then, though, something came to mind that he'd completely forgot about.
Wait a minute... my MONEY!
Guy just remembered how he'd given the front desk pony a rather inordinate amount of money, thus getting him quite a few days to stay. Guy couldn't bring himself to leave without it, that was at least a month's food worth of bits. He had to go get that refund.
Guy got off his bed and went to his door, sure that he could at least make it to the front desk and back without being seen. Just as he was about to open it, however, he was startled by the sound of somepony knocking.
...I swear, if that's who I think it is... Guy peered through the peephole, only to have his suspicions confirmed: Twilight and company were right outside his motel room.
"MMF!" Guy almost made some sort of surprised noise, but managed to stop himself, for the most part. Are you serious?! They found my motel room? How fast do these ponies work?! Guy stepped back from the door, knowing he obviously couldn't answer it.
"Hello? Anypony in there?" he heard somepony call from outside.
Great. Now what?! I'm cornered! There's nowhere for me to go! Guy looked around frantically for any options, but none presented themselves to him. Going through any window would just put him in view of the six, and he couldn't find any part of his room that led to anywhere else in the motel.
That is, until he looked up. Wait! The vent! Guy got on his bed, stood on his suitcase, and reached for the vent on the ceiling. After a moment of struggling, he managed to yank the thing open. He jumped up and pulled himself inside, disappointed he had to leave his briefcase behind. At least there wasn't anything too valuable inside.
The vents themselves were rather cramped, which didn't help with Guy's claustrophobia. Regardless, he pressed on, trying to find another vent he could pop out of. I sure hope I don't fall into somepony else's ro-AAAGH! Guy was cut off as he fell through a vent he hadn't seen, right onto the floor of the motel's lobby.
"Holy sh- cow!" said the front desk pony, shocked at Guy's sudden appearance. "Where in the heavens did you come from?!"
Guy got over his momentary dazedness and ran up to the counter. "Hey, you said I can get a refund for any days I haven't stayed, right?"
"Y-Yes, that's correct."
"Alright, I'd like that refund now, then! Pronto! Stat! I've gotta get out of here!"
"Very well, then," the pony said, reaching under his desk. "I must warn you, however, there is a small fee for refunding this early."
"That's fine!" said Guy, anxiously looking to the door. "Just gimme the maximum amount of money you can! Like I'm robbing you! Except, I'm not actually doing that. Just wanna make that clear. I don't need that on my hooves right now."
The pony gave him a strange look and pulled a sizable bag of bits from underneath the counter. "Would this be satisfactory?"
"Perfectly fine! Thanks!" Guy grabbed the bag and started dragging it along as he headed out the back door. Next stop, the train station.
~Meanwhile, yet again...~
"Hellooooo?" said Twilight, knocking a third time. "Pony Guy? We know you're in there!"
"...No, we don't," said Applejack.
"I'm trying to sound intimidating, okay?" said Twilight. "It doesn't look like he's answering, anyway."
"Well, I say we go in ourselves!" said Rainbow. "He broke into your guys's stuff, no reason we can't break into his!"
"It's not like the motel belongs to him," said Twilight, "but, still, we do really need to find him by any means necessary. If we have to get into a motel room for that, then so be it. Ready, everyone?"
The rest of the ponies nodded. Twilight charged up a spell and let it loose, the six of them disappearing from outside the room and reappearing inside. To their disappointment, there was pretty much nothing wrong with the place, aside from the suitcase sitting on the bed.
"Well," said Rainbow. "Not much to see here, huh?"
"Just a suitcase!" said Pinkie, bouncing over to it.
"Looks like he wasn't planning on staying long," said Applejack. "He's all packed up and everything."
"Or... maybe he's hiding inside it!" said Rainbow, as she flew to the suitcase and unzipped it. To her dismay, there was nopony inside. "Oh, well. It was worth a shot." She rummaged through the suitcase for a bit and then pulled out a particularly old-looking newspaper. "Hey, look!" She held it out for everyone to see. "This newspaper's got Discord on the front!"
"That's weird," said Twilight as she took it from Rainbow. "This newspaper's from years ago. Why does he have it?"
"Well," said Rarity, "his suitcase is here, which means he'll likely come back for it eventually. Perhaps we should stay here and wait for him to return?"
"Good idea, Rarity," said Twilight. "Though, I don't know if all six of us have to stay. I think I should stay here while the rest of you keep looking around town. You still haven't tried the marketplace yet, right?"
"True that," said Applejack. "Alright, if need be, we can all meet back here. For now, though, let's get back to figuring out where this guy is." The rest of the ponies nodded in unison, and the five left, leaving Twilight in the room alone.
Twilight remained vigilant and determined in the idea of catching this pony off guard when he finally returned to his room. Or, rather, at least, she tried to. While she remained on alert, it was hard to not get a bit bored in a motel room such as this, with nothing to do.
Twilight eventually decided to reflect on this strange situation, thinking about all the events that led up to this culminating chase. "What a weird couple days," Twilight said to herself, letting herself fall back on the bed. She was tired after all that running around, after all. "I don't know what this guy is trying to do, but we've gotta stop it." As her eyes wandered around the ceiling, they eventually came to rest on something rather unusual - a vent, just large enough to fit a pony, left wide open.
"What in the world...?"
~~~
The front desk pony had his fair share of weird experiences as well, though pretty much all of them had to do with this "Fake Name". Or, "Pony Guy", as Twilight called him. Still, his most unusual experience yet came when not just one pony dropped into the middle of the lobby, but a second one as well some time later.
"OOF!" Twilight painfully said as she hit the ground.
"Wh- Oh, my! Princess, are you okay?"
"Yeah..." Twilight got to her hooves. "Sorry about that. I thought I'd found a new potential lead on where this guy went."
"Actually, you did. He dropped in through the same way you did, just a matter of minutes ago. Got a refund of all his money, then left."
"What?!" said Twilight, getting up real close to the pony. "Where'd he go?!" The pony simply pointed towards the back door.
"Thanks!" She said, and she ran through it, outside. She looked around, trying to see anypony with a red cape, but nothing immediately jumped out to her. He must be trying to make a run for it, she thought. But where would somepony trying to leave town go?
~~~
Guy finally arrived at the train station, fully ready to get a ticket back to Canterlot. Almost there. Just need to buy the ticket. Then I'm out of here. He was a bit irritated about how much his bag of money had slowed him down, but he didn't care too much anymore. He was too concerned with leaving.
He walked up to the front desk. "Hey, when's the next train to Canterlot?"
"In about one hour," answered the pony.
Dang it! Alright, okay, if I can lay low for just an hour, I should be fine. "Yeah, alright. Can I get a ticket for that, then?
"It's fully booked, sorry."
"What?! Okay, what about the next one?"
"That one's three hours off."
Three hours?! I mean, I guess I can manage that... "Okay, give me a ticket for that one, then!"
"That one's also fully booked."
Are you serious? "Look, just give me a ticket to the next train to Canterlot that isn't fully booked!"
"That's five hours off. Is that fine with you?"
"Yes! That's fine! Just take my money!" He said, indiscriminately grabbing some bits from his bag and dumping them onto the counter. The pony counted them, took the amount that equated to the ticket's cost, and handed it to him. "There you go, sir."
"Thanks!" Guy grabbed the ticket, shoved it in his money bag, and headed for the door. As he passed through, he nearly bumped into somepony, but was too absorbed in his own thought to fully process who it was.
"Oh, 'scuse me, Twilight."
"No problem, Pony Guy."
Just as the door shut with Guy outside, it finally caught up to him what had just happened. Wait... What in Celestia's name did I just say?! He looked back to the door, which then opened. Twilight poked her head through, apparently having had a similar brainfart moment to him. The two of them made eye-contact, staring at each other for about five solid seconds.
Guy was the first to say anything. "...Oh, shoot."
Truth be told, the word Guy uttered in that instance was not "shoot", but rather something far more fitting for the situation he now found himself knee-deep in. With no other options left, Guy dropped his money bag and ran for it, hoping he could lose her in the nearest alleyway.
"Hey! Stop!" Twilight said, running out the door after him.
Guy dashed into the nearest alleyway he could find, knowing it was probably futile trying to run from an Alicorn Princess. This proved to be correct, as Twilight poofed into existence directly in front of him.
"GAH!" Guy said, skidding to a halt and running in the opposite direction, to no avail. Twilight simply teleported into his way a second time.
"AGH!" Guy stopped again, and this time ran out of the alleyway, into the streets. To his dismay, Twilight appeared in front of him a third time. He didn't bother running away again.
"Oh, come on!" he said, sliding on the dirt momentarily before fully stopping. "That is not fair! I can't teleport like you!"
"There's nowhere else to run, Pony Guy! Or whatever your real name is!" Twilight had her horn lowered, seemingly ready to do anything to keep him from escaping. "You might as well give up now!"
Guy found himself at a loss on how to reply. How was he supposed to introduce himself all villain-like now? He'd screwed up his pranks a good few times already, and on top of that, there was no way he could possibly escape this situation unharmed. He was kinda screwed, as far as he could tell.
I guess I'll just have to wing it. "Uh... Pony Guy?" Guy said, rubbing the back of his neck in an exaggerated fashion. "I don't know anypony by that name. Are you sure you don't have me confused with anypony else?"
"Of course not!" said Twilight. "You're the only one in town who wears a red cape! Or even a cape at all!"
"Wearing a cape is hardly a crime, is it?" Guy was kinda reaching for straws at this point. "Doesn't explain why you've been chasing me around all day."
"Don't play dumb! We all know you broke into my house and rearranged my books!"
"Broke in? You're Princess Twilight, right? I thought you ran a library."
"It's still my house! Not only that, but you burned down Applejack's barn, stole Pinkie Pie's frosting, tried to frame Rarity and Sweetie Belle for it, trashed Fluttershy's house, and force-fed carrots to her pet!"
"Woah, woah!" said Guy, stepping back a bit. "Slow down there, jeez! First off- Wait, did you say force-fed?"
"Yes!"
What in the world? "Listen, I didn't do a thing to that psychotic little lagomorph! That thing nearly killed me! Did you see the knives stuck in the walls all over the place?!"
Twilight's horn grew brighter. "Likely story!"
"No, that's absolutely not likely at all! Exactly the opposite, in fact!" Guy, despite technically being truthful in this specific subject, didn't seem to be convincing Twilight. She was struggling a bit with having her horn primed, and he could see a few sparks shooting out of it. He was gonna have to settle this fast.
Guy let out an exaggerated sigh. "Okay, look, Twilight, I surrender, okay?"
Twilight raised her head. "Wait, you do?"
"Yeah, I do. So, uh, could you stop pointing your horn at me?" Guy was saying pretty much anything that came to mind at this point, and he wasn't too impressed with himself for the route he was taking. "Look, I think we've gotten off on the wrong hoof here. Why don't we all just calm down and talk this through like civilized ponies?
"You want to talk? Really?"
Guy had no real intention of doing so, but he'd ran out of ideas by this point - which is rather impressive, considering he didn't start with any in the first place. "Yeah, sure. I've got no hope of escaping from you. If we all just sit down and talk about this, I'm sure we can clear up any misunderstandings we've got between us."
Twilight discharged her horn and adopted a surprised look on her face. "Well, I guess so. Honestly, I expected to have to restrain you myself. But if you're gonna come peacefully, that makes things easier."
"Great!" Guy said, "Let's go find your friends, then." He was amazed his attempt at appealing to the civil side of Twilight actually worked, but the fact remained that he absolutely did not want to meet up with the rest of the Elements. He had absolutely no idea how he was gonna supposedly "talk things out". He needed to get out of there, but how was he going to do that with Twilight watching him like a hawk?
Guy needed to keep his act up, though, and as such, he followed Twilight into the middle of the street - but he stopped himself as he heard a noise that, given his location, was fairly unusual. Is that a train whistle? "Hey, uh, Twilight, did you hear that?"
Twilight, who hadn't taken her eyes off him while they walked, stopped and turned around. "No, what?"
"I swear, I hear-" Just as Guy said this, he looked off to the right, which revealed to him the most shocking sight he'd seen in years.
There was a train driving right through the streets of Ponyville.
Guy took a few steps back. "Holy cow! Twilight, look out! The train!"
"What?!" said Twilight, having absolutely none of that. "You think I'm going to fall for-" But she cut herself off too, as the train's whistle sounded again, much louder this time. She looked to the side and screamed as she jumped back, the train narrowly missing her, and more importantly, running right between her and Guy.
Guy, despite being overcome with a mixture of awe and confusion at what he was seeing, quickly came back to his senses and realized the opportunity this gave him. He ran back into the alley and dashed into the nearest building he could find.
Twilight, on the other hand, took a little longer to get over her confusion, but she eventually remembered what she was there for. She took off from the ground and flew over the train, landing on the other side, but it was too late - Guy was nowhere to be seen.
Twilight turned back around to see the train disappear into the distance. "You have got to be kidding me!" She kicked the dirt in frustration, and looked around, desperately hoping she'd see Guy running off somewhere, but to no avail. As much as she wanted to express her confusion at what just happened, she didn't have the time for it. She let out an agitated groan and ran back into the alleys, trying to figure out where he might've gone.
Guy slammed the door behind him and leaned against it, hyperventilating as he sunk to the floor. Instinctively, he ran around for something to bar the door with, and in this occasion, that object ended up being a chair, which he leaned against it under the knob. Alright, Guy thought, regaining his bearings. That's... not gonna stop Twilight at all. Crap.
He decided, however, that he had more important things to worry about. Like where he was, for instance. He had, after all, just ran into a random building. For all he knew, he could be in someone's house. However, as he looked around the place, he realized he'd found himself in a bar - a rather run-down looking one, for that matter. The place was completely devoid of any ponies aside from Guy himself, which wasn't much of a surprise, as it didn't look like a very reputable place to get drinks.
That wasn't important to Guy, though, because he'd just successfully escaped from the Princess of Friendship herself. That, he thought, was something to be proud of. Probably his biggest villain accomplishment yet. "Hah!" Guy exclaimed, and then he immediately covered his mouth in regret. Wait, don't make noise, idiot!
After peeking out the windows to see if Twilight was nearby, Guy figured he should probably look around the place. Maybe get a drink or two for himself. He was pretty thirsty. Besides, villains didn't pay for drinks, now did they? Guy walked behind the counter, grabbed a mug, and perused the various selections available on draft.
Some cider sounds pretty good right about now, Guy thought, and he placed the mug under the nozzle, but he stopped himself. Wait. I'm alone here. This gives me the opportunity to do something I've been wanting to do for years!
Guy removed the mug and took its place with his wide-open mouth, as he gleefully grabbed the handle and pulled, releasing a powerful stream of foamy cider. He released it, satisfied with his full mouth's worth of the stuff, but his glee was short-lived as he realized something was off about this particular cider.
Mainly, that being that it tasted absolutely awful.
"MMF!" Guy put his hoof into his mouth, desperately looking for a place he could spit it out. He frantically located a sink and bent over it, releasing the foul-tasting juice from his taste buds. "Ugh!" he said, wiping his mouth. "That sucked! What is in that stuff?!" Guy walked back to the counter and examined the handle that had produced the hellish liquid, and he noticed some fine print he hadn't seen before.
"Produced by... Flim Flam Enterprises," Guy read aloud. "Well, I know what brand to avoid in the future." He walked back out from the counter and sat at a table. "At least nopony saw that, I guess."
Contrary to what he'd just said, though, Guy heard a faint laugh. "On the contrary, my dear Pony Guy."
"What the-?!" Guy jumped off his chair and looked around. "Who's there?!"
"Well, now, that's the million-bit question, isn't it?" The voice reverberated off the walls.
Guy kept looking around the bar, but he couldn't figure out where the voice originated. It was as if it was coming from everywhere at once. "L-Listen, if you're the owner of this place, I swear I haven't stolen any drinks or anything. Innocent until proven guilty!"
"It seems I was right," the voice said, now clearly sounding to Guy like it was located behind him. "You are a bad liar."
Guy leapt forward and turned around, now face to face with the source of the voice - and it was to his immense surprise that he found himself standing face to face with a draconequis. Of course, not just any draconequis, but rather, one that he was all too familiar with.
"What the heck?!" Guy said. He rubbed his eyes for a moment. "D-Discord?!"
"Oh, my reputation precedes me!" Discord said, hovering in the air over Guy.
"Well, yeah!" Guy said, unsure whether he should've been glad to see him or not. "I'm... sort of a fan of yours, I guess I could say." Guy realized how bad that might sound, and quickly added onto it: "Though, not, like, the spreading chaos everywhere part. Just your whole 'mischievous prankster' shtick you have going on."
Discord lowered himself to the ground. "That's certainly interesting to hear. Truth be told, I wasn't aware I had fans. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, however, given your recent actions."
Guy, despite managing to keep his cool for now, was still internally recovering from his surprise. He'd had heard Discord was reformed and all, but he didn't expect to come face-to-face with him in Ponyville of all places. "M-My recent actions? Which ones?"
Discord snapped his fingers, and with a flash of light, Guy found his forehooves in cuffs. Discord, meanwhile, had adopted the attire of a policepony.
"What the-?!" Guy looked down at his hooves and fruitlessly tried to remove them. "Oh, come on!"
Discord ignored his exclamations and began walking around Guy. "Let's see, here... Does 'arson' ring a bell? Or perhaps 'home invasion'?" He pushed his face up close to Guy's. "How about 'Vandalism'? Or 'Animal Cruelty'?"
"Yeah, yeah, okay!" Guy said, looking up at the ceiling. "Look, I've already had my crimes listed out to me. I don't need to hear them again. Besides, most of them weren't even my fault."
"Weren't they?" Discord brought a stool over and sat down. "Pray tell, whose fault were they, then?"
"Well, the arson was an accident, for one thing."
"Oh, I'm not all too concerned about that," Discord said. "I hear Applejack's barn gets destroyed quite routinely. Truth be told, my mind mostly rests on those last two charges. Tell me, what gave you the urge to target Fluttershy, of all ponies? Do you also kick puppies in your spare time?"
"What?! No!" Guy said. He could feel the cuffs somehow tightening on his legs. "Listen, that rabbit - What was his name? Angel? - he caused as much damage as I did! That thing is vicious! He would not hold back!"
"Do you mean to tell me you lost a fight to a six inch-tall rabbit?"
"He threw knives at me! It wasn't a fair matchup!"
"And what of the carrots?"
"What, the force-feeding thing? I don't know what that white devil told you guys, but it's not true! I've done a good few bad things these past couple days, but animal cruelty is not on that list."
"Hm. Is that so?" Discord looked at him rather intently for a moment, his eyes narrowed slightly in what seemed to be deep thought. After some rather uncomfortable time passed, he finally got off his stool and laughed. "Oh, ho-ho-ho! I believe I have you figured out already," he said.
"Figured out?"
Discord snapped his fingers, and a newspaper materialized in his claw. "Does this look familiar?"
"Oh, great. So you've been in my motel room, then."
"Oh, not just me," Discord said, putting his hands up defensively. "Twilight and her friends have all done a thorough investigation, though they didn't find much. That is, until Twilight found you, as I'm sure you're aware."
"Yeah," Guy said, frowning. "At least I escaped, thanks to that train." He tried to muster a smirk. "Y'know, I had no idea trains ran through the streets in Ponyville."
Discord laughed again and tossed the newspaper aside. "Oh, they don't. I simply wanted to distract Twilight so I could get a one-on-one chat with you."
"Wait, what?" Guy's eyes widened. "You mean you nearly hit us with a train just so you could confront me alone?!"
"Oh, nonsense," Discord said, sitting back on his stool. "It was an illusion, nothing more. Magic's useful for that kind of thing, you know."
"Oh." Guy looked down at the floor. "Okay, so why, then? What's so interesting about me? I'm just an earth pony with a very boring name."
"Is 'Pony Guy' really your name?"
"It's close enough."
"Well," Discord said, leaning back. "Truth be told, from the beginning of this little fiasco, I had a bit of unspoken approval for what you were trying to do. Not so much the execution, but a good prank is always something I can appreciate. That is what you were going for, right? Pranks?"
"Yes!" Guy threw his hooves out in front of himself. "Thank you! You're the first one today to not come to the conclusion that I'm some kinda barn-burning animal-abusing sociopath."
"Well," said Discord, "That was something I'd considered. It was the same conclusion everyone else arrived to, after all. That's why we're having this conversation. So I can discern whether they're right or not."
"They're not!" Guy said, attempting to step forward but tripping a bit over the cuffs. "Look, I'm just an earth pony who wanted to play some pranks that ended up going wrong. Truth is, I'm a huge fan of Twilight and her friends! I just thought being a villain for a week or so would bring some excitement into my boring life." He awkwardly walked over to a window and opened the blinds slightly, peering outside. "Technically, it hasn't failed to do that, but this isn't the kind of excitement I want."
Discord leaned forward and stroked his beard. "What did you want, then?"
Guy shut the blinds and turned back to Discord. "I don't know, I just... wanted to be a minor annoyance at best. I figured I could play a few pranks on them over the week, and then at the end, before they'd gone insane or anything, I'd come out and be like 'Ha-ha! It was a joke all along!'. And then we'd have a laugh over it and stuff."
"And did you really think that was going to happen?"
"Well, probably not, but that doesn't really matter anymore. I let myself get too rusty with my pranking ability, and I rushed into this and screwed everything up. Only thing I can do now is get the heck out of Ponyville before they find me."
"Oh?" Discord said. "And were you going to leave Ponyville without this?" He snapped his fingers, and a very familiar bag of money appeared in his hand.
"H-Hey, that's my money!"
"Plus, perhaps, the more important half of the equation." Discord shoved his claw into the bag and pulled out Guy's train ticket. "Look familiar?"
"Yes! I, uh... Can I have those, please?"
"Well," Discord said, stuffing the ticket back into the bag. "I'm not sure I can do that, given my obligation to turn you in. I am a 'good guy' now, after all."
Guy sighed and sat back down. "Great. So, what's your deal here, then? Are you just trying to taunt me?"
"Of course not. Rather, this sack plays a key part in an... offer, of sorts, I've been thinking of."
"An offer?"
"That's right." Discord got back up and walked over to Guy. "You see, I've come to the conclusion that you are of no real threat, especially if you truly desire to return to your old life in Canterlot. Does that sound about right to you?"
Guy nodded.
"However, that's not the point of my offer. You see -" Discord held the sack out in front of Guy's face "- you may choose to abandon all this if you so desire. Or -" He yanked the sack back towards himself "- you can stay in Ponyville and finish what you've started."
"How am I supposed to do that?!" Guy said. "All six of them are hunting me down as we speak! I'm screwed if I stay here!"
"And who's to say nopony is willing to help you with that?"
"...What are you implying?"
"Nothing but a curiosity," Discord said, stepping back. "I'm simply interested in what sort of trouble you can stir up when you're better-equipped, so to speak, for the situation."
"I mean, I used to be pretty good at this, back in Canterlot. I even successfully pranked Celestia once."
"Well, you're setting yourself up to a high standard, aren't you?" Discord grinned. "You know, perhaps I can help you get your old skills back, in some way. Tell me, have you ever held any interest in magic?"
Guy thought about that for a second. "Yeah, I guess so. I always thought it would be a pretty useful thing to have."
"How'd you like to give it a spin?"
"What?"
"You heard me." Discord produced a pencil, seemingly only for the purpose of spinning it in his claw. "Just a bit of magic, to assist you in your pranking ventures."
"Well, yeah!" Guy said, ecstatic at the idea, yet still a bit suspicious. "But, like, why, though? Why do you want to help me? After everything I've done, intentional or not?"
"Consider me curious," said Discord. "I want to see what you can do when you have more control over things. I want to know what happens when you're more easily able to make things go the way you want to. Besides, I can take it from you anytime I want, so there's no risk for me."
"And I'll be able to use this magic any way I want?"
"With the certain abilities you'll have, yes."
"Well, I guess I can't say no, then."
"Excellent!" And before Guy could respond, Discord snapped his fingers. Guy instinctively recoiled, but to his surprise, nothing happened.
"Uh," Guy said, looking around. "What did you just do?"
"Why, I've just bestowed upon you a temporary, limited version of my own power. You're welcome."
"Wait, what?" Guy looked down at his hooves. "So, I've got magic now?"
"To an extent, yes. Teleportation's the main idea here, though I did throw a few extras in. How does it feel?"
Guy looked down at his hooves trying to see if he could detect anything that felt different at all throughout his body, but couldn't seem to find anything abnormal. "Well, nothing, really. Maybe you need to get these cuffs off me first?"
"Oh, no, I'm sure it worked," said Discord. "I believe you just need to be shown how to use your abilities. Fortunately, I can give you a short crash course, if you feel that's what you need."
"That could be helpful," Guy said, tugging at his cuffs a bit. "Where would we start with that, though?"
"I like to do things the old-fashioned way," Discord said, and before Guy could say anything, he snapped his fingers.
To Guy's shock, he instantly found himself back outside, in the middle of the alley. Woah! He'd been in that dim bar for a decent while, so he'd been forced to shield his eyes for a moment while they adjusted to being in the sun again. He did notice his cuffs had disappeared, at least. As soon as he re-oriented himself, he looked around for anypony, and to his surprise, quickly found just that.
More specifically, he'd found himself right behind not just Twilight, but all six of the Element Bearers. From what Guy could hear, it seemed they were all conversing about where Guy possibly could've gotten off to, which Guy couldn't help but find funny the now-apparent irony of.
Guy took a step towards them, but stopped. Wait, what am I doing? I'm not ready for this! Despite how much he'd thought about his official villain intro, he was still getting cold hooves at the thought of actually doing it, especially given that he had no remote idea how he was going to make his escape afterward.
Well, Discord did say I have teleportation... And he seems to think magic is best learned as an in-the-moment sort of thing. Should I just trust his judgment?
Regardless of what Guy might have chosen to do in that moment, it wouldn't have mattered either way, as one of the ponies - Twilight, specifically - had finally decided to look behind her. Upon doing so, she quickly spotted a very surprised Guy, and she turned around and pointed straight ahead, directly at him. "Wait! There he is!"
The rest of the ponies then followed suit, each of them individually turning to Guy and locking eyes with him. "Hey!" Rainbow said. "Thought you could sneak up on us, huh?"
That is not what I had in mind, no, Guy thought. The particular reason why he'd thought this, rather than saying it, was that he once again was more or less paralyzed with fear. Not so much mortal fear, but more of a "stage fright" sort of ordeal.
"Well, ain't that funny?" Applejack said. "Here I was thinkin' he'd ran back to the train station, but nope. He was right behind our backs."
Not by choice!
"You can't get away this time, Pony Guy!" Twilight lowered her horn toward him just like before. "Not with all of us here!"
Guy blinked, and nothing more. Come on, you idiot! Say something! Despite Guy's self-insults, his mind remained blank. For the life of him, he couldn't think up a single thing to say, especially given that the old "let's talk it out" route almost certainly wasn't going to work anymore. For Celestia's sake! Say literally anything that comes to mind! Anything!
Twilight seemed to have been expecting an actual response, rather than a blank stare. "Uh, do you have anything to say about that?"
"...Glockenspiel."
"...What?"
Okay, not literally anything! Something relevant to the situation! "Uh," Guy rubbed the back of his neck in his typical anxious fashion. "Well, what I meant by that was, um..."
Theatrical! Be theatrical!
"...Glockenspiel, of course, is what I meant to say!" Guy boomed, in a suddenly much deeper, more powerful tone of voice. "You see, that word is a common expression in my homeland. It means, uh... 'Beware! The wrath of the evil pony bad guy is here, and he is going to do bad things, likely including elaborate pranks and such'!"
All six of them looked at each other in confusion, then back to Guy. Rarity was the first to question what had just been said. "It means all that, does it?"
Pinkie's hand suddenly shot up, as if she was trying to be called on in class. "No it doesn't! It's a kind of instrument! Like a xylophone!"
"Yes, well, different cultures, different terms," Guy said. "It's a regional dialect."
"Oh, really?" said Twilight. "And what region is that from?"
"Well," Guy said. "It's not a well-known culture. I hail from the distant, far-off, obscure land of Canterl- I mean, uh. Canterlot... ion."
"Canterlotion?"
"Yeah! We're known for our, uh, very soft and well-maintained skin."
"Oh, gimme a break!" Rainbow said as she flew a few feet into the air. "'Canterlotion'? That almost sounds as fake as your name!"
"Speakin' of," Applejack said, "You'd best get to spittin' out who in the hay you are and why you've been harassin' us."
"Oh, you want to know who I am?" Improv ability, don't fail me now. "Well, my ponies, you're right about one thing. My name is, indeed, a fake."
"Well, no duh!" Rainbow exclaimed. "So what is it, then?"
"I'll tell you who I am." Guy started walking towards them at a pace he felt was just slow enough to be as menacing as possible. "Why, I'm your new nemesis! Ponyville's newest villain! It's indeed true, you six, that my name is not 'Pony Guy'. My true name -" Guy reached back and flung his cape out for effect "- is Guy Pony!"
They all stared at him, but Twilight was the only one who ended up saying anything. "...Seriously?"
"Yes! Seriously!" Guy stomped his hoof on the ground. "It's not that boring of a name, okay? It makes me sound kinda rogue-ish."
"It's not just that," Twilight said, tilting her head to the side a bit. "It's also the part where you said you're our 'new nemesis', and that you're 'Ponyville's newest villain'. Are you saying you want to be a... well, a bad guy?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Why?"
"I'll tell you why!" Guy stepped closer, now only a few feet away from Twilight. "Because it's fun!"
"Really?" Rainbow said. "What's so fun about being evil?"
"Well," Guy replied, "It means you get to do whatever you want! Also, I get to play sick pranks on you six."
"Pranks?!" Applejack exclaimed. "You burned my barn down! That sure is pretty sick, but it's a heck of a lot more than a prank!"
"That was an accident. Doesn't count."
"And what about you stealing my frosting?" Pinkie said.
"Not valuable enough to be grand larceny. Doesn't count."
"And what about what you did to Angel Bunny?" Fluttershy, Guy noticed, surprisingly looked more ticked off than the rest of them.
"That didn't even happen, so that doesn't count either."
"Then how did he get so overstuffed?" asked Twilight.
"I don't know, I wasn't there for it!" Guy said. "Look, he's a rabbit! Rabbits love vegetables! I bet he just made that story up as an excuse for eating all the carrots in the house, or something."
Fluttershy looked down at the ground, seemingly putting some actual consideration into what Guy was saying, but it didn’t amount to anything as Twilight spoke up.
“Well, even if we believed you, there’s still everything else you did!”
“Right, of course,” Guy said. “Very well, then. We should probably cut to the chase here, anyway.”
That statement caused the six of them to step back a bit, so he put his hoof out in some sort of attempt at reassurance. “Oh, not like that! I just mean, like, the six of you have me figuratively cornered now, right?”
“That’s right,” Twilight said.
“Alright, well, that's neat and all, but did you plan beyond this? Like, now that you've got me, what exactly do you plan on getting out of this situation? Surely you planned out what you were going to do once you found me."
"Well..." Twilight found herself rubbing the back of her neck this time. "We mainly wanted you to stop what you're doing."
"Is that it?"
"Er, well..." Twilight looked over at her friends. "Could you give us a moment?" Before Guy could reply, Twilight brought up a magic field that encapsulated her, along with the other five ponies.
"Alright, girls," Twilight said. "This field will prevent him from hearing us. We can freely discuss our thoughts here, though we should still keep an eye on him. If he runs off, Rainbow can go after him. He won't go far that way."
"So," Applejack said, "How are we gonna do this? I can't rightfully make heads or tails of what he's saying."
"Yeah!" said Rainbow. "This guy doesn't have any idea how being a bad guy works, or how pranking works!"
"That's right," Applejack said. "Y'don't burn somepony's barn down as a prank!"
"He did say it was an accident," said Pinkie.
"Yeah, but how're we supposed believe him?" Applejack said. "I mean, he's straight up tellin' us he's a bad guy."
"That's true." Twilight looked over at Guy, who, surprisingly, hadn't moved from his spot. He was looking around at his surroundings aimlessly, possibly out of boredom. She turned back to her friends. "Though, if he wants to be known as a bad guy, wouldn't he want us to know the bad things he did? I mean, he admitted to everything else."
"Except for what happened to Angel," Fluttershy added.
"Right. Do you think Angel would lie about that?" asked Twilight. "I'm not saying this 'Guy Pony' didn't do it, but it doesn't really match up with the rest of the things he did. He even said it himself, he only wants to be a villain so he can 'play sick pranks'."
Fluttershy thought about it for a moment. "Well, Angel does really love carrots..."
"We don't know for sure if he's telling the truth," said Rarity, "and his intent can't really be definitively proven either way. Still, perhaps we should give him the benefit of the doubt for now."
"Not like he could really get away anyway," said Applejack. "Did y'all see when he swished his cape up like that? He's got no wings. He's an earth pony."
"Sure," said Rainbow, "But still, he has committed, like, actual crimes. We've gotta do something about that!"
"I suppose some form of punishment is in order," said Twilight. "I just don't really know how we'd do that."
"Perhaps community service?" Rarity offered. "Applejack's barn does need to be rebuilt, and Fluttershy's house needs cleaning."
Pinkie Pie piped up. "And we need someone to cover the morning shift at Sugarcube Corner!"
Twilight was about to reply, but was interrupted by a series of knocking noises. She looked to the side, to find Guy knocking on the shield impatiently.
"Are you six almost done in there?" he said. "I've got places to go. Villain things to do."
Twilight sighed and turned back to her friends. "Yes, that sounds reasonable. Let's try that." Twilight lowered the shield and turned back to Guy. "Listen, Guy."
"Yeah?"
"We've been talking, and we think that if you can just help us undo the damage you've caused, and maybe a few extra things, we'll all let you go back to Canter... lotion."
"Oh, really? And what if I refuse?"
"Then we'll have to turn you in to a higher power. I'm sure Princess Celestia would love to hear what you've been up to."
"Hah! On the contrary, my coronary!" Guy said, in overly-dramatic fashion. "You'll have a hard time catching me after I've disappeared into thin air!"
Alright, now! Teleport away!
Guy very explicitly did not teleport away. What the-?! I said teleport!
Nothing happened. Maybe I need to concentrate harder. TE-LE-POOOOORT!
The other six, on the other hand, were growing ever more confused and slightly creeped out at Guy's exclamation, and moreso the fact that he was now standing there with an exceedingly intense look on his face, staring off into nothing. He'd gone cross-eyed, his cheeks were puffed out, and his face was slowing turning a flaming shade of red. They could've sworn they heard a faint groaning noise from him, like he was straining every muscle in his body.
"Y'know," Applejack said, "I'm startin' to think this guy's got a few screws loose."
"You think?" Rainbow said.
"I'm starting to get concerned that this pony might need help of some kind," said Twilight. "What's he trying to do, even? He's just standing there, holding his breath. Also, did he just call me a 'coronary'?"
Guy suddenly exhaled the entire contents of his lungs into the air, and shouted in frustration: "Teleport already, Celestia-dang-it!" And with that, he disappeared, nowhere to be seen.
"Wh-What?!" Twilight exclaimed. "Did you all see that?!"
"Yeah!" Rainbow flew over to the spot where guy was. "He just disappeared!"
"But he's an earth pony! How could he possibly teleport?!" Twilight said.
The six were left there to contemplate that question, now, yet again, having managed to lose Guy. They all ran off trying to find him, this time with absolutely zero leads on where he was.
