Chapter One
Uncommon Tastes
As Rarity was inside the Carousel Boutique preoccupied with her ideas for a new design of dresses that were commissioned to her for the season, she became distracted as she looked out the window. She saw Rainbow Dash flying around Ponyville and was attempting new moves to impress the Wonderbolts for the next time she saw them as she was showing off to Fluttershy and Pinkie. Rarity always knew that her friend had wanted to join the Wonderbolts, and as the element of Generosity, she put her current ideas aside and started to draft an outfit for Dash that would surely make her delighted. She remembered of the time when Dash had performed the Sonic Rainboom to save the Wonderbolts' and Rarity's life. Crafting this outfit for the pegasus was like a 'thank you' present for them. Hours had passed of sewing and designing it to be almost like a replica of the real Wonderbolt outfit, and soon it was already noon.
After a hard day’s work on creating the outfit, she was pleased with the outcome of the suit, and knew that the Pegasus would be happy about it too. Rarity sighed happily as she tiredly went to bed, imagining how Rainbow would react once she saw what Rarity had made just for her.The sun finally rose, and as it shone through the windows of her bedroom, Rarity yawned and saw how bright the day would be today and it made her really happy. She just knew that today would be a great day. As she finally got ready for the day, she happily thought of the outfit she worked really hard on.
“I know that dear Rainbow Dash would love what I’ve made for her!” She exclaimed to herself as she went down to open her store. Sometimes she and Rainbow didn't get along, but she was still her friend and it always made her content to make others happy. It was a boring day like mostly every other day in the shop. Just providing the requests from ponies and creating the outfits quickly. She wished that Hoity-Toity or maybe even Photo Finish again would come to her store, asking her to make something extravagant. Once the store was closed for the day, she stepped outside and saw that Dash was sleeping on a cloud as usual. As she frolicked below her friend’s slumbering spot, she called out her name.
“Rainbow, darling!” She yelled happily at the sleeping pony. No answer. “Rainbow, dear; I have something for you!” Rarity yelled at her, still with a smile on her face. There was still no answer. She became irate rather easily and yelled Rainbow Dash’s name as earsplitting as she could that almost everypony in town had heard her. Finally, the Pegasus awoke hastily and looked around to see who had said that. Once she looked down, she saw Rarity wave at her. The cyan mare sighed and rubbed her weary eyes.
“What is it, Rarity!? Can’t you see that I’m busy here?” Rainbow scoffed angrily before yawning. She almost went back to sleep, but a second later the unicorn spoke up again.
“I have something delightful in my shop, and I’d like you to see it. Maybe even try it out, if you like it.” Rarity smiled cheerfully at the exhausted and annoyed looking Pegasus. She really wanted to impress Rainbow Dash for some reason. Even though if she sometimes thought of Dash as a brash braggart, she was still her friend and wanted to help her pursue her ambition of being a Wonderbolt. A minute passed and no answer. Rarity’s smile became glum and as she started to walk back to her house, the other pony finally spoke.
“Okay, Rarity.” Rainbow said to the unicorn as she flew down next to them. “But if it’s going to be a waste of my time, then I’m outta there!” Rarity gleefully smiled at the cyan pony and dragged her quickly back to the shop. She just knew it wouldn't waste her friend's time at all.
Once they finally got there, Rainbow looked around with an uninterested expression on her face as she waited for Rarity to bring her the outfit she really wanted Rainbow to try on. Once she came back to Rainbow, Dash’s eyes widened and her miserable frown turned into an ecstatic grin on her face. It was a Wonderbolt outfit, and it looked precisely like the original ones they wore.
“Rarity…” her eyes beamed with joy and excitement as Rarity gave her the suit.
“Be a dear and try it on for me, please?” Rarity joyfully smiled at the Pegasus who was actually so eager try it on. Rainbow thought this was the best thing her unicorn friend made for her that was actually cool to her. She was grateful and went to the dressing room to try it on. As Rarity waited, she kept thinking back from minutes ago when she saw how happy Dash looked once she saw the outfit that Rarity created just for her.
“Why am I really actually trying to impress her?” she thought to herself as she waited for her friend. She was irritated about the thought, and before she could think of an answer, Rainbow stepped out of the fitting room coyly, which surprised the unicorn. She thought Dash would come bursting out of the dressing room with a huge smile on their face, acting like a showoff as usual.
“Does.. Does it look good on me?” Rainbow said with an embarrassed tone in her voice as she walked over to her friend. Rarity blushed and then smiled happily at her, tidying up the outfit to not make it look all wrinkly. As she looked at Rainbow, she saw her as a Wonderbolt who finally had their dreams come true. She thought that she did a very impressive job on the outfit and was delighted that Rainbow loved it too.
“It looks quite dashing on you.” She smiled at the cyan Pegasus. Rainbow smiled at her friend with happiness and as both stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds quietly, she finally broke the silence by thanking her friend and giving her a hug. The unicorn was surprised by this action; she never thought of Rainbow as a pony who hugs, but she didn’t care for right now and embraced her.
"So why did you make this outfit for me?" Rainbow grinned at the unicorn whose only thoughts were about how good Dash looked in that Wonderbolt outfit.
"What was the question again, darling?" Rarity asked the other pony once she stopped daydreaming and had an embarrassed smile on her face.
"Why'd you make the outfit?" Dash asked again, and seemed somewhat irritated. She didn't like repeating things to other ponies.
"A small thank you for saving my life that one time." The unicorn smiled timidly. They both reminisced back to the competition and Rarity's wings had disintegrated into ashes as she hovered high in the sky. As she thought she would fall to her death, the Wonderbolts had tried to save her, but they were knocked out by the flailing limbs of the petrified unicorn. However, it was Rainbow Dash who had saved them all by using her notorious Sonic Rainboom to catch up to them.
"Thanks again, Rare." Rainbow cheerfully smiled at them before giving them another hug. The Pegasus then flew away to practice, leaving Rarity outside of the shop alone, who just sighed sadly and walked back to her house. As she stared out the window before going to bed, Rarity swore she'd seen Dash flying around while wearing the Wonderbolt outfit she made just for her, doing tricks up in the sky while the huge, bright, yellow moon was right behind them. It was an amazing sight to the unicorn, who wished that the Pegasus would someday let her come with them during their nightly flights. Once she closed her eyes, she couldn’t help but just think of Rainbow Dash.
“She’s so uncouth most of the time.. And brash.. also such a show-off..” She was thinking to herself as she twist and turned on her bed. She couldn't sleep at all and stared right up at the ceiling. She thought of how today she really made the cyan Pegasus the happiest they could be. “But she’s still loyal, and is a wonderful pony deep inside her heart. Oh what am I saying!?” She was surprised that she had actually developed feelings for the Pegasus. She thought that she and Rainbow could never be.
“If I was ever with her, it would be a disaster! She’s like the opposite of me! It’s so uncommon for somepony as flamboyant and elegant as me to be with somepony… like.. her..” She cried out before dozing off to sleep. Once asleep, all she could dream about was her and Rainbow Dash together.
----
Now don't be harsh on me when you comment; I'm new at writing stories like this and I just need some tips on how to improve my writing. If a lot of people like it, I would actually love to write another chapter! Thank you in advance if you liked this story and would gladly help me out.
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*ahem* concrit incoming:
°so, as a first story it was better than what i have seen. it was a decent concept but you really should add more details to it. so you earn a half of a point.
°it moved a bit (ok by a bit i mean a lot) TOO fast. it went like: day, suddenly night, then suddenly day and then night again. pace it out more. i will give you 0.5 points.
°your english was pretty good and the sentences actually made sense. only problem was a sentence in the first paragraph but i cant spot it anymore. you have 1 more point
°it was spaced ok, but dont be afraid to make them into more paragraphs. space out the dialogues just a bit more. its better to have more than less (that works on everything... even sprinkles... everyone loves sprinkles...) 0.5 points
°i cant say anyting about grammar cuz i suck at it but its seems ok. 1 point.
3.5/5 not bad considering its your first
my only gripe that you said marefried (which means girfriend) a bit too soon in like the 3 paragraph where it didnt actually make much sense.
TL;DR - Good but you need more details. have a like cuz im feeling generous right now
Concrit powered by Criticism Central
Decent characterization. Your spelling is good. Grammar could use a bit of work, but I have seen worse. Your biggest challenge is going to be pacing. As a reader I am left wondering how so much happened in so little time. You need to show us, not tell us, that small talk went on. Tell us how they both react physically and mentally. Give us some history of the pair. Rarity and Dash had a huge moment in Sonic Rainboom, Dash saved her life. Is that why she wants to help with the suit? Tell us about the suit, about how much time and effort she put into it. Details. You need more. Still, good first effort. Keep it up.
I like how this is a better fic than half of the others on this website, despite you saying you're new. A tip is to change the description, since nobody knows what they're about to read by looking at it.
Second is pacing. This thing flew by faster than Rainbow Dash herself. SLOW DOWN.
Third is the conflict and plot. There is absolutely NO conflict in this. Have there be something that makes people WANT to read it, instead of having a snooze-fest!
Overall, better than 90% of first fics, though there is room for improvement.
I`ll be honest... It would require rather, ahem, uncommon tastes to stomach the awkward pacing you`ve set to story. Things feel rushed and sluggish in the same time. It does not make for a pleasant reading.
I read your username, then I read the description, and then I read the story.
I have this to say: You could've fooled me.
The fact that I even didn't see a single spelling mistake makes this a great fic.
The charactarization was spot-on, and it was short enough that I actually wanted to read it.
A few repeats of things, but otherwise excellent for a start fanfic.
Keep up the good work!
~ TDG
I really like the plot, it's really cute, and I'm surprised that no one has come up with this idea before!
There are a few minor errors, but I don't think it's bad at all. It's nothing that distract us from the excellent story!
Rarity always knew that her friend had always wanted, the first 'always' shouldn't be there, as the two both, the 'two' isn't necessary, and Rainbow thought this was the best thing her unicorn friend made for her that was actually cool to her, where you need a few comma's.
But this is a great first fic! Good job - hope to see more from you in the future.
MOAR!!!!!!!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rarity.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Fluttershy.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Pinkie_Pie.png
THIS WILL NOT BE THE END OF THIS STORY!! You need something to follow this.
It's too quick & short, and 'marefriend' is usually used as an equivalent for girlfriend/female partner, which causes some confusion in your story. There are some other mistakes too, like how you refered to Rainbow as 'them' at least once.
Other than all that though, it was better than lots of other first fics. It definitely needs continuing though - it's just seems to end randomly. I'll follow it in hopes you do that.
Someone PM'd me on a different website and thought I stole the story, but lol it's still from me. I have been waiting for an approval here in Fimfiction for maybe at least four days and I just decided to upload it on the other website since there would be no moderation and it would be uploaded quicker and easier. So just in case you fellas think I stole, nope, still me! Also I have uploaded more chapters in the other website, but I'll still be submitting them here so you guys don't have to go there. Bye, and thanks that you guys liked it! I'll use your suggestions and edit the other chapters and this one too to make it not seem so 'fast paced' or anything else. Thanks again!
936087 Thanks! I'll edit the 'marefriend' and put something else. Also, I'll put in more details to the story too.
I feel that this was kind of rushed. For a first story its good, but short. Maybe space it out more and give rarity more time for her feelings to develop.
Oh and 1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q_b77tzrgYw/TbVJ28djF-I/AAAAAAAAAMo/TNhiUHK4RAY/s1600/cliffhanger.gif
DAYUM CLIFFHANGERS
Ok, better but let me illustrate some points of improvement.
Your version.
“She’s so uncouth most of the time.. And brash.. also such a show-off..” She was thinking to herself as she twist and turned on her bed. She couldn't sleep at all and stared right up at the ceiling. She thought of how today she really made the cyan Pegasus the happiest they could be. “But she’s still loyal, and is a wonderful pony deep inside her heart. Oh what am I saying!?” She was surprised that she had actually developed feelings for the Pegasus. She thought that she and Rainbow could never be.
“If I was ever with her, it would be a disaster! She’s like the opposite of me! It’s so uncommon for somepony as flamboyant and elegant as me to be with somepony… like.. her..” She cried out before dozing off to sleep. Once asleep, all she could dream about was her and Rainbow Dash together.
Ways to improve
She’s so uncouth most of the time.. and brash.. she's such a show-off! She thought to herself as she tossed and turned on her bed. She couldn't sleep at all, staring up at the ceiling. Today she had made the Pegasus happy. Seeing her smile had brought some measure of joy to the fashionista. But still, she’s loyal, and is a wonderful pony deep down. Oh what am I saying!? I can't possibly have actually developed feelings for... Rainbow?. She marveled at the mere idea. She'd never considered it before now.
If I was ever with her, it would be a disaster! She’s like the opposite of me! It’s so uncommon for somepony as flamboyant and elegant as me to be with somepony… like.. her.. She railed against the idea in desperation before dozing off to sleep. But once asleep, all she could dream about was Rainbow Dash.
In one place, you used "them" where you should have used "her". 'Them' is a plural pronoum, meaning more than one. We may use it in everyday speech as a singular, but in writing it confises the heck out of me.