I'm a beginner at making stories, and I'm new to My Little Pony. But this story is about Rarity making a Wonderbolt outfit for Rainbow Dash and hoping that she would like it. And that's pretty much about it. I hope you guys like it, and if you don't, you should comment and give me tips on how to improve my writing! :)
Page generated in 0.078 seconds
Total duration
956 users online
441,492 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
*ahem* concrit incoming:
°so, as a first story it was better than what i have seen. it was a decent concept but you really should add more details to it. so you earn a half of a point.
°it moved a bit (ok by a bit i mean a lot) TOO fast. it went like: day, suddenly night, then suddenly day and then night again. pace it out more. i will give you 0.5 points.
°your english was pretty good and the sentences actually made sense. only problem was a sentence in the first paragraph but i cant spot it anymore. you have 1 more point
°it was spaced ok, but dont be afraid to make them into more paragraphs. space out the dialogues just a bit more. its better to have more than less (that works on everything... even sprinkles... everyone loves sprinkles...) 0.5 points
°i cant say anyting about grammar cuz i suck at it but its seems ok. 1 point.
3.5/5 not bad considering its your first
my only gripe that you said marefried (which means girfriend) a bit too soon in like the 3 paragraph where it didnt actually make much sense.
TL;DR - Good but you need more details. have a like cuz im feeling generous right now
Concrit powered by Criticism Central
Decent characterization. Your spelling is good. Grammar could use a bit of work, but I have seen worse. Your biggest challenge is going to be pacing. As a reader I am left wondering how so much happened in so little time. You need to show us, not tell us, that small talk went on. Tell us how they both react physically and mentally. Give us some history of the pair. Rarity and Dash had a huge moment in Sonic Rainboom, Dash saved her life. Is that why she wants to help with the suit? Tell us about the suit, about how much time and effort she put into it. Details. You need more. Still, good first effort. Keep it up.
I like how this is a better fic than half of the others on this website, despite you saying you're new. A tip is to change the description, since nobody knows what they're about to read by looking at it.
Second is pacing. This thing flew by faster than Rainbow Dash herself. SLOW DOWN.
Third is the conflict and plot. There is absolutely NO conflict in this. Have there be something that makes people WANT to read it, instead of having a snooze-fest!
Overall, better than 90% of first fics, though there is room for improvement.
I`ll be honest... It would require rather, ahem, uncommon tastes to stomach the awkward pacing you`ve set to story. Things feel rushed and sluggish in the same time. It does not make for a pleasant reading.
I read your username, then I read the description, and then I read the story.
I have this to say: You could've fooled me.
The fact that I even didn't see a single spelling mistake makes this a great fic.
The charactarization was spot-on, and it was short enough that I actually wanted to read it.
A few repeats of things, but otherwise excellent for a start fanfic.
Keep up the good work!
~ TDG
I really like the plot, it's really cute, and I'm surprised that no one has come up with this idea before!
There are a few minor errors, but I don't think it's bad at all. It's nothing that distract us from the excellent story!
Rarity always knew that her friend had always wanted, the first 'always' shouldn't be there, as the two both, the 'two' isn't necessary, and Rainbow thought this was the best thing her unicorn friend made for her that was actually cool to her, where you need a few comma's.
But this is a great first fic! Good job - hope to see more from you in the future.
MOAR!!!!!!!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rarity.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Fluttershy.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Pinkie_Pie.png
THIS WILL NOT BE THE END OF THIS STORY!! You need something to follow this.
It's too quick & short, and 'marefriend' is usually used as an equivalent for girlfriend/female partner, which causes some confusion in your story. There are some other mistakes too, like how you refered to Rainbow as 'them' at least once.
Other than all that though, it was better than lots of other first fics. It definitely needs continuing though - it's just seems to end randomly. I'll follow it in hopes you do that.
Someone PM'd me on a different website and thought I stole the story, but lol it's still from me. I have been waiting for an approval here in Fimfiction for maybe at least four days and I just decided to upload it on the other website since there would be no moderation and it would be uploaded quicker and easier. So just in case you fellas think I stole, nope, still me! Also I have uploaded more chapters in the other website, but I'll still be submitting them here so you guys don't have to go there. Bye, and thanks that you guys liked it! I'll use your suggestions and edit the other chapters and this one too to make it not seem so 'fast paced' or anything else. Thanks again!
936087 Thanks! I'll edit the 'marefriend' and put something else. Also, I'll put in more details to the story too.
I feel that this was kind of rushed. For a first story its good, but short. Maybe space it out more and give rarity more time for her feelings to develop.
Oh and 1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q_b77tzrgYw/TbVJ28djF-I/AAAAAAAAAMo/TNhiUHK4RAY/s1600/cliffhanger.gif
DAYUM CLIFFHANGERS
This is getting hotter!
Ok, better but let me illustrate some points of improvement.
Your version.
“She’s so uncouth most of the time.. And brash.. also such a show-off..” She was thinking to herself as she twist and turned on her bed. She couldn't sleep at all and stared right up at the ceiling. She thought of how today she really made the cyan Pegasus the happiest they could be. “But she’s still loyal, and is a wonderful pony deep inside her heart. Oh what am I saying!?” She was surprised that she had actually developed feelings for the Pegasus. She thought that she and Rainbow could never be.
“If I was ever with her, it would be a disaster! She’s like the opposite of me! It’s so uncommon for somepony as flamboyant and elegant as me to be with somepony… like.. her..” She cried out before dozing off to sleep. Once asleep, all she could dream about was her and Rainbow Dash together.
Ways to improve
She’s so uncouth most of the time.. and brash.. she's such a show-off! She thought to herself as she tossed and turned on her bed. She couldn't sleep at all, staring up at the ceiling. Today she had made the Pegasus happy. Seeing her smile had brought some measure of joy to the fashionista. But still, she’s loyal, and is a wonderful pony deep down. Oh what am I saying!? I can't possibly have actually developed feelings for... Rainbow?. She marveled at the mere idea. She'd never considered it before now.
If I was ever with her, it would be a disaster! She’s like the opposite of me! It’s so uncommon for somepony as flamboyant and elegant as me to be with somepony… like.. her.. She railed against the idea in desperation before dozing off to sleep. But once asleep, all she could dream about was Rainbow Dash.
939293 Mind if I use that for the story?
MOAR!!!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rarity.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Fluttershy.png
939360 Not in the least. Keep trying, you're leagues ahead of most beginners, read more fiction and learn from it.
Okay, I'll try to add more details for the next chapter and follow your tip>>939866
wow
19 likes and no dislikes
anyway
this is going a bit too fast
just like, over the speed limit
slow it down a bit, and it'll be much better
You're still referring to individuals as 'them' and 'they', but aside from that, this chapter is better than the last. It's not as quick.
940320 I'll try my best to slow it down.
In one place, you used "them" where you should have used "her". 'Them' is a plural pronoum, meaning more than one. We may use it in everyday speech as a singular, but in writing it confises the heck out of me.
946498 Okay, sorry about that
seems rushed........
and the Discord thing felt like it was just thrown in there
other than that
2dopeboyz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/thumbs-up-chuck.gif
980921 actually I already planned it out a week ago. I've just been busy. Something about Tom in the next chapter.. I'm trying to not make it seem so fast paced, my apologies.
Yeah I really disliked the ending. I know it's probably a setup for a sequel, but you could have rolled with the time apart/Wonderbolts thing. Also, falling for something... Well the only intelligent speaking creature I can think of is Discord
981077 Well there's more chapters so no sequel. I've been brainstorming ideas so I'm trying to make sure it makes sense and works out :P
981188 but but but, it says complete
981188
981256>>982246 Didn't notice that the status said complete. Sorry about that :P
982643 I needed to get your attention . /)
982648 And I finally changed it! I didn't even notice that the status said my story was complete :P Thank you for notifying me about that. (\
Oh dear.... poor Rarity.
It's gotta take a lot for Dash to chose Rarity over Spitfire though. Interesting mix there. Loving the loyalty.
Gay romance and it's not Lyra and Bon-bon?
NOPE.
991575 you must be new here
Somepon, that is all...
991920 If it's a gay romance fic and it's not funny or Lyra and Bon-bon.... then I don't like it....at all.
991926 Lyra and Bob-Bons Odd Jobs II: Frisky Fillies is for you then
READETH FIRST ONE. 991951
992513 I READ BOTH, THEY'RE FUCKIN' FUNNY!
Yeah this story has really taken a turn for the What The Fuck.