The Human's Guide to Equestria

by Siras-chi

Coffee House

Doorbells are, quite possibly, the worst invention in any world. They are loud, obnoxious, and tend to leave bad dreams and good nightmares unfinished. They are quite good at waking sleeping ponies, however.

Rising out of bed, a man saw a stallion in his mirror. Light brown mane, beige fur, green eyes; it took the man a moment to recognize himself. It’s just your reflection Ca… Slate. You see it every morning. Indeed, Blank Slate’s bedroom was designed so that the mirror was the first thing he would see every morning. Glasses quickly found their way in front of his eyes as Blank Slate went to see the sort of monster that would ring a doorbell before eight in the morning.

“Doe! Open the door, dude!” A voice called out, stopping Blank Slate in his tracks. If it was who he thought it was, some minor revenge for the early morning wake up call was required. Even if it wasn’t, a tart reply was in order, but he didn’t know many ponies that would make him a personal call at this ungodly hour. Besides, there were only a handful of people that knew him as Doe.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know anyone here who goes by Doe. Maybe if you could tell me your name, I could leave a message,” Blank Slate said with a cheerful smirk. The pony on the other side of the door let out an audible groan. Good. He knows I don’t go by that name anymore.

“Oh, come on. It’s me, Major Key. You know me.” Obviously. Blank Slate had been using this time to prepare for his day: ensuring that his mane was brushed, and that his tail was braided as he liked; cleaning his glasses; and making sure his bit-bag, the keys to his practice, and his reply to the publishers were all tucked safely into the pockets of his favorite vest. Despite all his years in Equestria, Blank Slate still couldn’t bring himself go about in public without some form of clothing.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know anypony named Major Key.” If Blank Slate knew this pony as well as he thought, then his friend should be the first to give up this game they were playing.

“You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you.” Blank Slate made no audible reply. “Fine. It’s Riff Raff, and I’m sorry for ringing your doorbell so early in the morning.” At that, Blank Slate immediately opened the door to greet his best friend.

“You know I don’t like waking up early, Riff,” Blank Slate knew he had won this time. “And you know I haven’t gone by Doe since I got my Cutie Mark.” Blank Slate and Major Key did this every time they met up. The two had grown up together in the same foster home, and had been neighbors in the same hospital before that. The doctors had put them together, assuming that they had similar backgrounds.

Blank Slate may have had some difficulty telling ponies apart, but he’d never forget his best friend. “So. What’s so important you had to wake me up early?” Major Key knew that Blank Slate despised waking up early. It was always a joke between the two that Blank Slate had morning colors (cream with a dash of coffee, just how he liked it), while Major Key had the night ones - yet neither could be awake at those times.

“Coffee!” Key exclaimed with his usual amount of flourish, lifting hoof and wing in tandem as an additional punctuation of excitement. “My treat. So, what say you?” Cue the sad pegasus eyes. Blank Slate had a theory that pegasi were able to make tiny rain clouds to help make their eyes look extra sad on the occasions that such a look was needed.

Blank Slate never could say no to that face. He could never say no to coffee either.

“When have I ever said no free coffee?”

---

The Moon Hart was quite possibly the best coffee house in the Crystal City, in Blank Slate’s humble opinion. The coffee was mixed to perfection; plenty of sweet, not too bitter, and the perfect amount of white chocolate. As per usual when the two met up for coffee, Blank Slate couldn’t help but ignore the cheerful morning small talk of the decaf-lover to his right.

“You’re not paying attention to me are you, Doe?” The flat, unamused look from the other side of the large mug of coffee was enough of an answer for Major Key. “I swear, you’re worse than a brick wall in the morning. I was trying to tell you that the barista was checking you out.” Blank Slate turned to look where his friend was angling his head. Indeed, the barista at the counter blushed a little and turned away once she noticed Blank Slate had seen her.

“You know I have no interest in dating crystal ponies, Riff. Besides, she could have been checking you out.” It wasn’t that Blank Slate didn’t think they were pretty; there was a good reason that many crystal ponies made a nice living as models. It was just that he’d spoken with so many of them as a therapist, and it wasn’t professional to date clients. The fact that he couldn’t tell them apart more than half the time and that there was an over sixty percent chance that they were named “Crystal something” didn’t help matters.

Unknowingly to him, that room contained a Crystal Cauldron; a Crystal Shield; a Crystal Pin; two Crystal Gems; and the barista, Crystal Cup.

“You and I both know she wasn’t checking me out. Especially since I don’t have class today,” Riff gestured to himself, brushing off the implied compliment; his dark blue fur still had the fresh-out-of-bed look, and his mane and tail could be mistaken for mops with how unruly they were. His wing was preened though. Major Key always made sure his wing was well cared for. “Besides, you know I’d rather have that baristo in the back,” Key said while pointing out the well-groomed and well-preened stallion grinding beans in the back.

“Was the innuendo necessary?”

“Yes.”

Slate’s snout hit the table. Sometimes he wondered why he still hung out with Major Key. “I don’t think baristo is even a word.”

“Are you insinuating that I would make up a word? I? You wound me, that you expect such behavior from me. I may just have to rescind my offer of free coffee.” Major Key tried to keep a straight face, which lasted only a second or two before he burst into snorting laughter. “Nah you’re right. I have no idea if that is a real word.”

Blank Slate rolled his eyes. Major Key had always been just a bit flamboyant. As much as Slate complained, it was one of his favorite things about his childhood friend. Even as a colt, he had tried to find the humor in any situation. Even if that humor could be somewhat crass at times.

“So, I assume you didn’t come over early in the morning to chat about cute baristas and baristos with me.” As much as he enjoyed their time together, Blank Slate did have a few patients to take care of today. All in the afternoon, of course.

Major Key’s expression softened at that. “It was actually about your book. Why’d you let it be published as fiction?” Blank Slate had been worried that his friend would ask that. Major Key had been there for his nightmares in the hospital, and he was there for the dreams afterward. Blank Slate had long ago told Major Key, back when they were Doe and Riff Raff, about his life as a human. He’d been afraid that Riff wouldn’t believe him; the doctors didn’t, the nurses didn’t. There were even a few times he didn’t believe it himself. But Riff Raff did, and as they grew up Riff Raff believed in Blank Slate even when Slate doubted himself. It had taken Blank Slate a while to realize it, but Major Key would never doubt him.

“Because that’s the best way I could get the story out. I needed to get it out, and that was the only way I could think of.” What smile had been on Slate’s face was gone. “Besides, I told you before. I wasn’t alone. I still have the dreams and the nightmares, Riff. If there’s any chance she is still alive. Any chance at all.” Blank Slate let the sentence end. No more needed to be said.

Major Key scooted his chair closer the Blank Slate to comfort his friend. No words need to pass between them.

“I’ve been offered an interview. I’m going to take it. If this works…”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, Riff.”

“I know.”

---

Somewhere far away, someone’s ears began to ring.

Author's Note:

This cream has 10% more coffee in it thanks to Stormsilver

Comments

[Siras-chi]

8457926
... It’s early ...

[badninja]

Ouch I get the feeling that as this story spreads it will definitely draw some attention from a certain book loving princess and she has some passing knowledge of "humans".

[Rhawkas]

Does Riff Raff/Major Key only have one wing? Didn't see it mentioned specifically anywhere, but I can't think of any reason a pegasus would only preen one wing.

[Siras-chi]

8458235

[Mix-up]

Interesting chapter, I wonder where he was found, it doesn't look like he ever knew about MLP or that he he will ever really know any of the mane? I am not sure if the format of the story will work well for my tastes as it seems that there might be a lot of time skips to it with all the alternating between the past and the present and I wonder if there will also be important events happening during his present life as well for the story? Looking forward to the next chapter.

[Stormsilver]

8458235
That sounds like a tragic backstory

[Siras-chi]

8458408
The Guide chapters are attempting to show how he understands Equestria, while the plot of the present day sections is going to pick up soon. Regardless of MLP’s existence in his world, Blank Slate knew nothing about it.

[Bast]

this is really good and caught my attention. keep up the good work