Other Elements
Twilight and Eclipse had left the castle and we're now making their way around town, Eclipse was staying very close to Twilight because he was a bit afraid of them all.
Twilight made sure to keep looking at Eclipse to see if she was alright, she was very shy around others it seemed.
Twilight showed Eclipse around town; the boutique, SugarCube Corner, and the other miscellaneous markets and stores, but whenever a pony would walk by she would hide under Twilight, it was actually very cute. She decided that was enough for today and started walking back to the castle with Eclipse.
Eclipse seemed more interested in the library when they got back to the castle.
"I wanna read some books" Eclipse said looking up at twilight, he didn't really read to much besides fiction. he was interested in the library because he had no idea what was in this world, this library should have enough of the information he needed.
"Alright, I'm always happy to let a filly read." Twilight smiled, walking into the library with Eclipse "How many books do you want to read?"
"All of them" Eclipse said as she grabbed a book about equestrian history and sat down to start reading.
"Oh I don't think that book is really meant for a filly your age, maybe something with a bit more pictures?" Twilight offered.
"Leave them out for later I'm good with this one for now" Eclipse said as he was reading page after page.
"Um...alright" Twilight began getting books out for her.
{~~~~~~~~~~~{}~~~~~~~~~~~}
Eclipse had finished reading all the pages in five books, he knew the basics of equestrian history, Twilight was very surprised by how well the filly could read.
Eclipse looked read the books Twilight suggested as well they were very interesting, though he then realized they were children's stories, that annoyed him and he glared at Twilight "I'm not a child".
"Well...others would like to disagree" Twilight said rubbing the back of her neck.
"Well I don't care what others say I'm saying I'm not" Eclipse huffed and grabbed another book to read, he then yawned and rubbed his eyes.
"I think it's time for a nap" Twilight said with a smile.
"I decide when I sleep, your not my mom" he retorted as he went back to reading, he then face planted in the book snoring slightly.
Twilight chuckled lightly and walked over, she then picked up Eclipse and put the book away, she walked up to her bed room, she then laid her in the bed and put the blanket over her, she left the room and headed downstairs just in time for the girls to walk into the castle.
"What are we here for Twilight? Your letter wasn't very descriptive" Rarity said as they walked over to her.
"Well...I had picked up a magical anomaly by the old castle of the sisters, so when I went there I found a filly and well...I think you all should just see for yourselves" twilight walked them all up to her room and walked over to the bed.
"Twi what are we doing here?" Apple Jack asked but was then shushed by Twilight.
"Shh she's sleeping" Twilight carefully pulled the blanket off Eclipse to show them.
When they all saw her there jaws dropped, except pinkie who was trying hold in her excitement of a new pony.
"Darling can we have a word with you out of the room" Rarity said calmly and they all left the room "what is Nightmare Moon doing in your bed?!?!?!?!?" She yelled.
"Calm down, it's not really nightmare moon, from what I can understand it's a filly that looks like her...or from her story a completely different being trapped in the body of a filly, but I can't prove that theory yet" Twilight explained peaking in the bed room to make sure the filly was still sleeping, and thankfully she was.
"So she just looks like her?" Applejack asked.
"Yes she's nothing like Nightmare Moon...just a little...grumpy and moody, but also shy" Twilight answered.
"Hm I don't like this, but how much damage can she do as a filly?" Rainbowdash stated and crossed her hooves.
"Well if she has a magical surge as a alicorn filly...the entire castle could blow up..." Rarity said causing everyone's eyes to go wide.
Twilight was now looking panicked "I didn't even think about that! Her magical surges could cause total destruction!".
"Woah now sugar cube, can't you use some type of spell to see how much magic she has?" Applejack asked trying to calm twilight.
"Yes yes you're right I can just see how much she has, it's probably not even that much" Twilight chuckled and walked back into the bedroom, after a few minutes she walked back out.
"So?" Rainbowdash asked.
"It's....really really...big...bigger then a filly should have even an alicorn one, I'm not even sure if her body could handle releasing that much magic in a surge, honestly it could kill her with the first surge..." Twilight said now with a somber worried expression, she was worried for the town and especially Eclipse.
The other girls gasped and looked horrified.
"There must be something you can do to stop it twilight" Fluttershy said worried.
"I know I'm going to try and look through spells to try and limit the amount of magic to be released...but even that's dangerous, if you don't release a lot of built up magic it will try to find other ways out of the body, like completely destroy the body..." Twilight explained.
"Don't do that!!" Fluttershy yelled in panic but it was a quite yell, she didn't want to wake the filly.
"Oh Celestia what do I do?..." Twilight groaned while trying to think, she then gasped "Celestia! She could help she's been a alicorn her whole life she must know a way to prevent dangerous magical surges".
"Um...not to make Celestia sound cruel but wouldn't she just banish the filly because she's nightmare moon?..." Rainbowdash questioned.
Twilights smile crumbled and she imagined how it would play, Celestia showing up seeing the filly and then sending her to the moon and then an explosion happening in the moon "nope nevermind Celestia can't help".
"So then what do we do?" Applejack asked.
"I'm going to try and find a way to save her" Twilight rushed to the library.
The girls followed her to try and help
{~~~~~~~~~~{}~~~~~~~~~~}
Eclipse was tossing and turning in his sleep, he was trapped in a nightmare.
Eclipse dodged bottles smashing against the ground, they were thrown by people he's known.
He scrambled under a box and watched the large crowd run past him, he was panting and sighed in relief.
The box was then ripped off him and he was pulled up into the air, he was slammed against a brick wall and thrown out of the alleyway "ngh..." He struggled to try and crawl away but his hair was grabbed, his face was then slammed against the ground resulting in a crunching sound, tears streamed down his face in pain, he was kicked away "w-why?..." He whimpered in pain.
"Why?! Oh it's just because you stole my second chance at life!! You little brat!" Nightmare Moon growled and stomped her foot down on his leg making it snap he screamed in pain, she took the form of a human to torment him.
"P-please...I didn't want this...I just want to go back to my life..." He sobbed as he pulled his legs to his chest but winced when he moved his broken one "d-dreams aren't supposed to hurt..." He whimpered.
"Oh I can make anything happen in here you little brat" she growled had picked him up and threw him through a window, he smashed through it getting cut up by the glass, one p was even lodged in her shoulder, she walked into the building "now that your in control of this body I'm a passenger, so now I'm just going to make you suffer everytime you go to sleep".
She picked him up and slammed his face against a mirror, the entire world was gone now, it was a black void with the mirror just flouting there, the ground was now a sickly grey.
"Look at yourself...a complete abomination...you ruined the body I was supposed to get, my second and only chance back to life and you took it away and now your trapped in this world to suffer, but look on the bright side no one will miss you back at your home world, you had no one back there I know because I've been stuck in your pitiful mind, I've been looking at all the memories you have, really pathetic life by the way" she chuckled and slammed him against the mirror again.
Blood was dripping down the mirror, it was from the side of his face she kept slamming against the mirror, his head was pounding and his vision was blurry "p...please...".
"Yes beg" she slammed him against it again.
"Pl..please stop..." He whimpered.
"Oh I will when I get bored of your suffering" she slammed him against it repeatedly until the mirror shattered, he was left limp and dripping with blood, he was in so much pain he didn't want to move "giving up already? Why did I think you wouldn't? Hehe your a waste" she let him drop into the void behind the mirror.
He looked at her as she slowly got further and further away as he fell, eventually he couldn't see her it was just pure darkness, he wished he could just get away from this horrible world.
{~~~~~~~~~~{}~~~~~~~~~~}
Eclipse woke up to a wet pillow, it was soaked with his tears from his sleep, he sat up and looked down at at his legs that were black and ended in hooves, he then burst into tears and sobbed.
Twilight quickly ran into the room "eclipse what's wrong??" She saw Eclipse sitting there sobbing and quickly rushed over and hugged her.
"I-I had a n-nightmare" he sobbed into her chest as he hugged her tightly.
"Shh shh it's ok" twilight rubbed Eclipse's back to try and calm her, she sat there holding Eclipse and rubbing her back for a while until Eclipse calmed down "hey...how about we go meet some of my friends?".
Eclipse shook his head.
"C'mon they're really nice and they'd love to meet you" she smiled down at Eclipse, she pulled her head away from her and looked up at twilight she sniffled and nodded "alright c'mon" she put Eclipse in her back and walked out of the room.
Eclipse was not excited to meet Twilights friends, she didn't want to meet anyone right now, not after that Nightmare.
Twilight walked into the library where the other elements were sitting, each had expressions worry from hearing the filly crying "don't worry girls she's ok, she just had a bad dream".
The girls relaxed and looked at the the filly who was trying to hid behind Twilights mane, but twilight picked her up with her magic and set the filly down on the ground, the girls looked at her and smiled kindly.
Eclipse quickly ran back behind twilight, he didn't know why he was so scared of them they aren't that scary, he blamed this body for this new shyness and fear.
"It's ok they aren't scary" Twilight said softly looking back at eclipse who had wrapped herself around Twilight tail "come on out" she tried to get her to come out.
Eclipse shook his head, he was nice and comfortable right here around this tail, then he saw the pink ponies face next to him smiling brightly.
"H-" pinkie was cut off at the screaming if the filly as she ran away from pinkie, she ran under the couch but her back end was stuck out, she was trying to push herself all the way under but couldn't go any further.
"Pinkie what the heck?? She was already scared, you just made it worse" Twilight scolded.
"Sorry I was just excited about meeting her, and I wanted ask her some questions so I could throw her a Not Evil Moon Pony Party" Pinkie chuckled nervously as Twilight just glared.
"Apologize to her when she comes out" Twilight said sternly and then walked over to the couch and crouched down to Eclipse "hey it's ok now pinkie didn't mean to scare you she was just really excited to meet you, can you come out so she can apologize?".
"No..." Eclipse said quietly.
"How come?" Twilight asked.
"....I'm stuck..." Eclipse said with a bright blush in his face, he was glad he was under the couch so none of them could see it, Twilight then lifted the couch up and pulled him out revealing his Boucher to all of them, his face only got redder.
Pinkie walked over "I'm sorry for scaring you, I just really really wanted to know what your favorite cake is..." She apologized.
"....ice cream..." Eclipse said softly not looking at her, she was tightly pressed up against twilight which made all the others coo at how cute he looked, except Rainbowdash.
Pinkie smiled "alright thanks bye" she ran off in the blink of an eye leaving a smoke copy behind.
"Wha?..." Eclipse walked over to the smoke copy slowly and poked it, it then poked him back on the nose making him freak out and ran back to Twilight "I-it moved!! Did you see it?? How did it do that?? It's smoke isn't it???" He asked her quickly.
"Hehe...yeah that's just something pinkie can do...don't worry about it" Twilight said and ruffled up Eclipses mane.
Rarity looked at Eclipse and smiled "Twilight I must make her an outfit, those colors could look fabulous with a dress".
"No...no dresses..." Eclipse said looking at Rarity.
Rarity looked stunned "what? But I..." She looked at the filly who gave an expression that said there was no changing her mind, she then sighed "fine...".
Rainbowdash flew over and looked at Eclipses wings "huh her wings are a lot bigger then a normal fillies, I wonder how fast she could fly...".
The moment the words fly left Rainbowdash's mouth Eclipse had a look of realization, he had wings which meant he could fly now, a childhood dream everyone's had, he looked at his wings and stretched them out and gave them a little test flap "I wanna fly" he said looking at Twilight.
"Well I guess you should learn to but...I think we need to have a place where you won't get hurt" Twilight agreed and looked at Rainbowdash "think you can teach her?".
Rainbowdash smiled "oh yeah, I wanna see what she can do".
Eclipse was already liking this blue pony, he looked at the other ponies in the room, a orange one with a cowboy hat or cowgirl, a yellow one who looked shy and adorable, the fashion one who looked upset she couldn't make him a dress.
This may not be so bad after all.
{~~~~~~~~~~{A Few Hours Later}~~~~~~~~~~}
He was wrong so wrong! They were treating him like a child!! Though he was a child in body and somewhat in mind, he was an adult man! And he did not like the cooing or the tickling, he hates the tickling 'curse this small little ticklish body' he thought to himself as he was now fighting off the hooves attempting to tickle him.
"Back! Back I said demons!!" Eclipse swatting at the hooves, unfortunately one snuck up on him from above, curse that blue pony, he was once again reduced to a giggling fur ball.
Twilight smiled at the giggling Eclipse, she wasn't actually sure is she was enjoying it or not but she did seem to go back after the girls when they left her alone, she was happy she introduced Eclipse to them she seems a lot happier now.
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Excellent story overall, but a few things to consider, as far as grammar and such.
Consider: the mirror
Needless repetition, a run-on sentence, and a few minor grammatical errors. I would write: Twilight showed Eclipse around town; the boutique, SugarCube Corner, and the other miscellaneous markets and stores, but whenever a pony would walk by she would hide under Twilight, it was actually very cute. She decided that was enough for today and started walking back to the castle with Eclipse.
Interesting placement of the 'p', I'll chalk it up to a typo.
Replacing the second comma ',' with a period '.' should help with continuity. Similar situation with the third.
There are a few thing I would change about this one, so I'll just rewrite it.
"Alright, I'm always happy to let a filly read." Twilight smiled, walking into the library with Eclipse. "How many books do you want to read?"
Minor grammar, the word 'wanna' can stay though, as it's a sort of informal word.
Just remember, all of these are suggestions, and nothing more.
In a story every detail must has a purpose, and something i often found in this type of stories is that the human trait is mostly...pointless. Why is it needed for the main character to be human?, you can remove the human portion of the story and it wouldn't change anything important (for now), was it to make him more relatable? was it to make him play the role of victim? it feels on the verge of a self-insert, and the torture on a protagonist you know nothing about just makes it less relatable.
Some authors introduce humans to the plot for their technological advancements, other use them for their great capacity for either violence or stoicism, and a few use them just to have an outsiders perspective.
I recommend you to think... why its important for the plot and the character that he is human,whats the purpouse to its origin.
Maybe you already thought of this and i am for a surprise in the next chapter, i don´t know. I just want to see this to grow into a good story, as every reader wants.
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I wanted to leave his backstory hidden and it will expand more in later chapters, it will reveal somethings and I hope explain some of what you said
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Thank you