The Northern Sky

by DashTillDawn

The Bittersweet Ascension (Prologue)

Author's Note:

If you dislike, please tell me why. I'm still learning and I like criticism.

Today was the big day, but I wouldn't even be there to see it. Today two unicorns would try to earn their wings- Celestia and Luna, I think. It would be the first time two ponies had ascended at the same time in Equestrian history. Everypony was going to be there. Well, everypony except for me. I had to be searching for some stupid artifact down in these stupid caves, in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

It was a frozen wasteland out here, and the only reason I wasn't suffering from hypothermia was the lack of wind in these caves. The wind chill dropped the temperature another thirty or forty degrees, and ripped right through whatever layering you may have to shelter from the cold.

My brother had told me that there was some artifact out here- an amulet or something- and it possessed the power to destroy entire kingdoms. I told him that I would find it for him, but I really planned on giving it to somepony who would keep it safe. My brother was too devious to be trusted with something like that.

It was dangerous for an artifact like this to be left out here, where anypony could find it, but it wasn't worth freezing my flank off to find it. Another hour. I told myself. I would search for one more hour, and if I couldn't find it, I was going to head home, and search for it another time. Or never. Probably never. I couldn't feel my face anymore.

---

I spent the full hour I had allotted myself, but still found no sign of whatever this thing was in these walls of ice.

"Alright, that's it! I give up! It's freezing cold down here, and I'm loosing my mind! I mean, I'm starting to talk to myself, for goodness sakes! I'm going home!" I yelled.

I made my way to the mouth of the cave, saddle bags in tow, and overlooked the wasteland of ice ahead of me. It would be a long walk home. Then, something caught my attention. On the horizon, I could see a light. It was as white as the snow around me, but so much brighter. There was something weird about it, but I couldn't quite figure it out. It looked almost like it was... growing? No, not growing, it was a shock wave, and it was headed right for me!

I dove back into the cave, and had barely enough time to raise my shield before it overtook me. Unfortunately, it didn't matter. The wall shattered my shield, and I felt the most excruciating pain in my entire life. It wasn't confined to one spot, either. It was everywhere. It was even ripping through my insides.

I was out before I even hit the ground. Everything went black, but I became minutely aware of the fact that I wasn't dead. My heart had slowed to a point that one might not even be able to tell if it was beating. I stopped breathing altogether. My mind became a jumble of unfinished thoughts. The only thing I could do was tell myself that I was alive.

I couldn't see or hear my surroundings. I knew help wasn't coming, as nopony knew I was here. The only thing I could feel was cold. Still, I had survived. All I could do was lay there, half buried in snow, and pray. No, I couldn't even do that. My thoughts faded, so I focused on the cold. I was cold. So, so cold.

Comments

[Foxmane Vulpequus]

Because you have requested constructive criticism, I will offer you some thoughts and advice:

This chapter in particular feels incredibly disjointed for two reasons. Firstly, the voice is inconsistent throughout the three scenes. In itself, this is not so much a problem; a voice may freely shift and change according to the needs of a story. However, the second section is particularly prosy and expository and has no apparent connection to the other two first-person scenes in which it is sandwiched. It may have been better to show the effects of the blast from afar from our protagonist's perspective, then later to uncover the black truth when he awakens from his slumber in the ice.

Secondly, the reader lacks context. Where is this taking place? What is around the protagonist? What is around Celestia and Luna? What are his motivations? We know that he is searching for something, but why does he care? And, therefore, why should we? All of these things are final causes that draw the reader in and draw him on. Without them, I must confess that I cannot empathize with him, nor care about his ice-nap.

As an adjunct to the above, some of the description that is present is rather abstract in character. For example:

"The sheer power of the blast had radiated outwards faster than the speed of light. As it passed alicorns, their bodies attempted to absorb some of it. Unfortunately, it was too much for them to handle, and it overloaded their systems. They were vaporized in an instant."

"Faster than the speed of light" has a meaning in physics, not in a fantasy setting. Find another way to say this. "Overloaded their systems" has a similar problem; it is a colloquialism that we accept in the context of engineering and medicine, but it breaks the flow of thought. Better to simply say, "they were vaporized in an instant." That is short, punchy, and blunt and leaves no room for dispute. (Also, "alicorns" should be "the other alicorns" or simply "the others".)

I will look at your other chapters later when the opportunity arises.

Sincerely,

-Foxmane