Prologue to War
In the land of Equestria, it is often discussed whether anything is beyond their planet’s boundaries; not even the princesses are aware of just what life lies beyond their outer solar system, or even if there is any. It has been the subject of many an Applewood movie in the past, and may possibly continue to be so. But as luck would have it, ponies exist beyond the stars…
Deep in the vast regions of space lies the planet of “Neo-Equestria”, a place not unlike the land they’d know normally in terms of structure. Their population consists almost entirely of bipedal versions of Equestria’s population, namely the many ponies that primarily live there.
One particular pony watched over the others as their guardian deity: the Grand Ruler. He was a stunning, platinum-white alicorn with a powerful build, a wingspan twice as long as most Pegasi, and a magnificent golden horn on his head. He wore his golden armor and crown proudly, his crimson cape often flowing in the breeze of wherever he stood.
For a time, all was at peace, at least until the sudden arrival of a dark and twisted sorcerer who seemed to arrive out of nowhere to threaten the ponies’ way of life. The ponies tried to reason with the being, but in vain. As the sorcerer, calling himself “Nadir”, threatened to tear the land asunder, the Grand Ruler stepped forth and used his powers of great magnitude to fight against the villain, who was beyond anything the ponies had seen up to that point.
As the fight continued and the option to spare the fiend diminished, even the Grand Ruler’s signature ability, the ultimate golden power, could only barely weaken the sorcerer. The golden-horned alicorn then saw no choice but to use what little power he had left to seal Nadir beneath the confines of a dark, distant, abandoned planet void of life, so that his threat would be subdued.
However, Nadir vowed to return when the spell weakens, so that he may continue his dark designs once again. Fearing for the worst, the Grand Ruler sought to train those ponies willing to prevent this catastrophe from coming to be, to use their bodies for combat as well as to protect the innocent. Thus was born the concept of “Starfleet Magic”.
It has been 962 years since that day…
“And that’s pretty much all the history we can check out, right now!” said a fairy reading through the ancient Neo-Equestrian literature of the Celestial Temple’s library. The fairy had glittering, peach-colored skin, shining silver wings and blonde hair, and was wearing a reddish-pink dress. Next to her was a white unicorn with a black mane, a blue-and-black striped shirt, and brown shorts to go along with it. He also had a unique golden tinge to his horn, as well as a wingspan shorter than that of a pegasus, and his cutie mark consisted of the sun rising over a thundercloud.
The fairy looked to the pony as she closed the book and said, “It's kind of a sobering thought that this guy is the reason we're who we are. Wouldn't you agree, Lightning?”
“I’ll say…” The unicorn folded his arms, feeling quite confused, “Say, Crystal… You really think our trips to the surface will help us? I mean, there’s not much training to be done there, right? We’re just meeting a bunch of ponies.”
“I know, but remember what the Grand Ruler said: a Starfleet officer’s greatest weapon is his bond with those around him,” said Crystal, as she was packing the group's bags. “To be a good warrior, you need to strengthen your friendships.”
“I know, but…” Lightning said hesitatingly, “…doesn’t it seem a little cheesy? Power from friendship is a bit weird to think about, you know? What good are you as a fighter if you can’t defend yourself? Is friendship really all that?”
Crystal pouted adorably at this statement. “You really don’t remember that it’s that very friendship that got us where we are today? I mean, you and I were both up horseapple’s creek without a paddle before you tapped into that! How could you not remember nearly dying to save me?”
Lightning panicked. “I-I could never forget that, Crystal! I’d never forget… That was the day when the rest of our lives were set in motion.”
It was 13 years ago. Lightning Dawn was just a simple colt, aged 5, waking up with no memory of who he was; the only thing he seemed to remember was his name. He found himself deep in the Amethyst Bog, which few dared go inside because of the treacherous plant and wildlife living within.
A confused Lightning strolled through the woods, unaware of anything that was going on around him and confused by the wildlife that consistently cropped up. He dealt with several creatures such as giant venus fly traps, manticores, chimeras, and even a few fly-ders for good measure. Lightning had several close encounters with these creatures, but he had successfully, if barely, managed to escape from them.
However, what the young pony would see next would forever change his destiny. As he wandered through the dark bog, a weakened young fairy was barely able to fight back a wild cragadile; she had fought long and hard, but the gigantic rocky reptile had her cornered, teeth bared, lunging to take a bite out of its latest prey…
Without thinking, Lightning ran over and threw a nearby rock at the creature, getting its attention. At once, the cragadile turned to face Lightning, now very clearly angry at him. As Lightning realized what he was up against, he stood there, frozen in fear as his fate was supposedly sealed. But to repay him for his help, the fairy leapt in and tackled the cragadile to the side. Afterward however, she stumbled to the ground, clutching her shoulder in pain, finally exhausted. Lightning reached out towards the fairy, but then she finally spoke:
“What are you doing, just standing there?” the fairy yelled, “This place isn’t safe for you!”
Lightning looked at the fairy. “You were about to be eaten, you know that right?”
“I can handle myself, thanks! What I’m worried about is how you got here!”
"I couldn't even tell you that! And right now, I don't care! The only thing I care about right now is saving you; you're the first one I saw that needed help, and now I'm helping. Simple as that."
The fairy was shocked at that tone of voice; she didn’t quite know what to say. “Wow…I…I'm actually pretty shocked that you're willing to help. I mean, everything else so far has been trying to eat me. And honestly…it’s getting a little tiring.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’ll help you find your way home, okay?” Lightning said with a smile.
“Um…that’ll be a bit of a problem. See, I don’t even remember where I’m from, let alone how to get there.”
“Oh,” the Unicorn said sadly, “You too huh…? Don’t worry; you can come with me!”
The fairy seemed at a loss for words at this point. “Y-You really want me to...?”
“We both can’t remember our homes, so come with me! Oh, my name’s Lightning Dawn, by the way.” He spoke with a sincere, peppy energy unfamiliar to the fairy.
“…Crystal…my name is Crystal.” At this point, the fairy, for once in her waking moments, felt content with something. “I…I thank you for helping me! Seriously, I mean it!”
“Hey, it’s no problem! We both have no one else to turn to, right? So we gotta stick together, at least! Let’s hurry on outta here before dirt-breath gets up.” Shortly after he said it, the cragadile woke up in an unbridled fury and looked towards both of its assailants.
“You know…” Crystal said, “…maybe we should have run away first.” She tried to get up, but suddenly grabbed onto her shoulder in pain again and lowered herself back to the dirt floor below. “Ow…it’s no use…I’m still injured from hitting that thing…!”
“Crystal!” Lightning said, running to her and scooping her up in his hands. “Can you even fly, now?”
“Ngh…! Just...just get out of here, Lightning; save yourself! Don't worry about me...!” Crystal was disappointed in herself for caving into her own pain. She could barely move a muscle at this point; it’s here where Lightning felt a spark inside his heart, and decided to take matters into his own hands. Fearing for the fairy’s life, he fled the area as the cragadile angrily chased after the duo.
Lightning made it past thick brush, hiding behind trees, and nearly tumbling over rocks as the massive beast tried to corner them at every turn. As Lightning continued to evade their persistent predatory pursuer, Crystal again continued to feel uneasy about the situation, but for totally different reasons.
“…I didn’t want you to have to risk everything for me…especially since I was just a complete stranger…” She began to cry as she regretted letting him risk his life for her. "And yet you stood up to that monster to save me…and you’re still trying to get away from him. You’re the only nice guy I’ve ever met, and now you’re gonna…you’re gonna…I’m so sorry!”
“Crystal, listen,” Lightning said seriously, but with warmth, “Don't feel bad about any of this; I'm more than willing to help a friend in need. In fact, right now, you're the only friend I have. If I lost you, my life would lose all meaning. I’m glad that you and I met, okay? And I’d give everything to save you.”
Crystal was touched even more by what Lightning said; he really believed them to be friends after just one meeting? This boy was devoting himself to someone he just met like it was no big deal! Some of her doubts lifted, but she still felt very badly about how the two of them might just meet their ends together, which seemed all the more likely as Lightning took a wrong turn and ran towards a steep cliff face; there was no way to climb, nowhere to run, and the cragadile had finally cornered the two. There seemed to be no hope left…
Thinking fast, Lightning placed Crystal in a nearby bush so she could hide and recover from her wounds. “Stay here! I promise: you’ll be safe.”
“Lightning, what’re you…?” Crystal watched as Lightning stood up to the beast, walking towards it now. "Oh no, Lightning! Darn it, of all the worst times to not be able to fly! LIGHTNING, GET OUT OF THERE!”
“Hey! Over here, you big bully! Come and get a bigger snack!” Lightning said as he stood, arms wide out as he stood perfectly still. Unbeknownst to him, a faint, golden glow was emanating from his horn. At once, the cragadile lunged at Lightning.
“LIGHTNING!!!” Crystal despairingly screamed Lightning’s name as the would-be appetizer courageously stood in the face of death.
"This is it..." he thought, "I'm seriously going to die if I stay here...but I'm not gonna run! Not for Crystal!"
As the cragadile was about to chomp on Lightning, he seemed to black out as his horn glowed golden and levitated the cragadile with his newfound power, causing Crystal to look on, awestruck.
“Leave us alone, right this instant.” At once, Lightning fired a powerful golden blast at the beast, sending it careening against a wall; it then quickly fled without so much as a taste. Lightning soon turned back to normal and immediately collapsed from exhaustion. A worried Crystal flew over to him, finally recovering at least enough to do that.
“Lightning, are you okay? You didn’t hurt yourself too badly, did you?” Crystal panicked as she tried to wake him up by nudging him, pulling on his ears, etc. After a good half a minute, Lightning woke up, holding his head in agony.
“Ugh…I feel like I was hit by that thing’s tail…where is it, anyway?” He looked at his fairy friend with a confused expression. “Hey Crystal, what happened? I remember standing up to ol’ rocks for brains, and then I just lost my focus.”
“You mean you really don’t remember turning golden and driving that thing away with a powerful magic attack?”
Lightning raised his eyebrow. “Huh...? Don’t be silly; I couldn't have actually chased it off, could I?”
Crystal looked a little peeved, saying a bit more eagerly: “But I SAW you! Your whole body went all sparkly, and then you lifted that thing up and sent it crawling back to where it came from! You’re telling me NONE of that was you?!”
Lightning looked somewhat astonished. “How…do you remember something like that so clearly?”
“Because it actually happened, my dear friend…”
At once, they were confronted by none other than the Grand Ruler himself. Lightning instinctively went to protect Crystal. “St-Stay away, y’hear?!”
Crystal then flew in front of Lightning, still slightly exhausted. “No! Don’t hurt him! He’s already weakened from the last fight! I’ll be your opponent!”
The Grand Ruler simply chuckled, confusing the two. “Never fear, you two; I am not with ill intentions. Simply put, I came here because I sensed a massive power. Now, tell me: which one of you emitted it? I promise; I won’t be mad.”
Lightning suddenly felt the warm words of the Grand Ruler affecting him, as he felt the courage to state what had happened. “It was me. My friend, Crystal, was about to be eaten by a cragadile, and…well, I had to save her. I don’t remember using it, though…”
“That’s all I needed to hear, young one. Now, then…what is your name? You told me your friend’s; now it’s time to hear yours.” The Grand Ruler smiled and kneeled down to Lightning’s level so he could hear more clearly.
“…Lightning. Lightning Dawn," he said, somewhat warily, "I don’t know where I am, or where I came from. I just know that I woke up here, and that my only friend is a fairy.”
Crystal chimed in, too: “Same here, really. All I did was wake up and have a bunch of things try and eat me, and then I met Lightning.”
“Is that so? I do believe I haven’t seen either of you around, before…and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a real life fairy. I hear their kind is quite elusive, and normally like to hide from strangers. But with you two, it seems you’re already quite attached.” The Grand Ruler mused, as the two looked towards each other.
“What are we gonna do now, then?” Lightning looked slightly more confused than normal.
The Grand Ruler simply looked for a bit before making his decision. “The path to being a true hero is creating a bond similar to what you showed today, Lightning Dawn. You and Crystal were a perfect demonstration of my beliefs. And that power of yours could very well be drawn out for a noble cause…I wish to make a proposition.”
Lightning tilted his head. “Make a what, now?”
“It’s a deal, to be more concise. I will offer you food and shelter, and take care of you as if you were my family. But in exchange, I wish to make you my personal student.”
“Student…?” Lightning mused. “What for?”
“That need not be readily apparent. I will explain the specifics in full, someday. But I will say this; my training will be tougher than anything you’ve faced in this bog. Compared to me, that cragadile will be mere foal’s play. Do you still accept, little one?”
Lightning thought for a moment before making his decision. “If others in the universe are in danger like Crystal was…then I’ll gladly help! On one condition…”
The Grand Ruler looked, pretending not to know. “And that is?”
“I wish to bring Crystal, please. I don’t wanna part ways so soon…”
Crystal’s heart nearly skipped a beat, now knowing that something had formed between them. “L-Lightning…”
The Grand Ruler giggled a bit, and said, “I figured you had that in mind. Very well; Crystal the fairy can join you, Lightning Dawn.”
Just like that, Crystal glomped Lightning, nuzzling his chest in an adorable manner. “You’re the best, both of you!” she shouted in excitement.
In addition to that, a mystical light surrounded Lightning, encompassing his flank before settling down and revealing the picture now present on his hindquarters; Lightning Dawn had earned his cutie mark.
“Yeah,” Lightning said back in the present, “I still get some nostalgic thoughts from that day. You were right; if it wasn't for our meeting, we wouldn’t even be here today. Guess all that training made me forget what was really important.”
Crystal couldn’t help but smile. “I still can’t thank you enough for that save…can’t believe it’s really been 13 years since then. And if you hadn’t shown up when you did, our lives would have probably been totally different.”
“You got a point, there. Y’know, I’m actually looking a lot more forward to life on the surface! Who knows? I might even meet my future comrades down there. Sky’s the limit, you know?” Lightning folded his arms behind his head. “I just hope the ponies I meet down there are a friendly sort…”
Crystal assured Lightning, “You can bet that they will be. And if you do meet another future Starfleet officer, you know full well that you can trust them. They’re trained to uphold justice and protect the innocent; of course they’ll be happy to see a fellow trainee.”
“Yeah, but none of them even know of me. I trained with the Grand Ruler in secret, remember? I don’t think they’d take too kindly to having another wheel. What do you think?”
Crystal frowned with minor annoyance. “Lightning, another face to take part in these battles is always welcome to an officer, and we both know this. Besides, you’ll get to discover new planets, study the ones we already know, hone your skills; doesn’t that excite you?”
Lightning simply pondered. “I mean, I guess…it’d excite me a little more if I were better prepared for my real destiny. I have my cutie mark, all this training, and everything, but that still doesn’t explain anything, does it?”
“All I can really say is this: sometimes, you just gotta believe in yourself a little; otherwise, it won’t feel satisfying when you succeed.” Crystal finished packing.
Lightning simply nodded. “Yeah…you’re right. I’m probably worrying over nothing. Thanks, Crystal; I can always count on you to bring me back to normal.”
“Hey, what’re friends for? Now, let’s get going; I wanna see our new house!”
Lightning smiled in earnest. “Heh…alright, Crystal; let’s go down to the surface! We have a lot to do, down there.”
The duo exited their former home with their bags and took the chariot that awaited them down to their destination of Rainbow City. The two could only imagine their future endeavors as they descended, eager to start the next chapter of their lives.
Their trials were soon to begin…
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I...feel like I should have just stuck with this site instead of copypasted from Word. That's learning experience number 1! ^^;
Good luck, but beware you have an uphill battle ahead. You aren't simply trying to make likable characters, but actually have to work against the dislike already existing toward them due to pre-existing versions and developed opinions.
Also, one thing about the prologue bothers me. In the flashback, if Lightning has no memory beyond his name, then how would he know whether or not he had ever cast magic like that golden blast before?
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Oh, that? He doesn't remember because it's the first time it happened to him. Before this, he didn't even know he had it, let alone be aware of whether or not he could pull it off. In Lightning's mind, all he was doing was distracting the cragadile so Crystal could escape; he thought he wasn't going to make it out of this. As soon as the golden power took over in self-defense, it took over for a little bit. Think of it like the Avatar State, in a sense.
Anyway, thank you for the feedback. I promise, the coming chapters will be a bit less...shaky, as it were.
Edit: I just realized what you meant, and I'm sorry I didn't double check. Late nights, y'know?
It's unfortunate how much of this chapter is taken up by infodumping, as it's - to me, at least - a bit difficult to get immersed in the setting and characters. I know what you've said both in the Author's Note and your comments, and I'm planning on sticking with this fic for at least a few more chapters to see how it pans out, but there were times when it was a bit difficult to continue reading. Of course, I don't plan on reading the original to compare them in that regard, so I'll just say you did a good job.
A small tip for the Author's Note: you might want to change it to a blog post. It's kind of obtrusive and takes up a surprising amount of space, which could potentially draw readers out of the story (once it has more chapters, that is). Just a suggestion, and you by no means have to go through with it.
Overall, it's a rocky start, but I'm interested to see where it'll go. As Hopeful_Ink_Hoof said, the story's going to struggle simply because of the original's infamy, but if you keep up the hard work, it'll definitely shine through the mire of doubt. Have a like! (Although more because of your motivation than the story itself, so far.
)
Edit: Case in point, someone came through and disliked all four comments.
I found a few things that may or may not need to be changed.
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Admittedly, that third correction was kind of me being stupid. And the first one was me failing a spot check. The rest, however, I never even thought of. And to be fair, the original fic started off with a bit of backstory as well, but there was admittedly a bit too much "showing, not telling" on my part. And as for the blog post, thanks for the tip! I'll be sure to start doing that sometime.
Just ah...one more thing, if you're not busy. How do I do the line transitions? In my word document, I had some underlines to show when a scene ends and another begins. But here, those are absent. I noticed them on other fics, but I don't know how to make them myself. I regret that I need assistance for such a thing, but it'd really help me.
Lastly, I'm glad I only really got disliked because of the infamy surrounding the original fic.
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Instead of trying (and failing) to describe where to find it, I took four screenshots and highlighted the important stuff.
What to click:
i.imgur.com/gxkqMny.png
What it looks like in the editor:
i.imgur.com/4MpY7VU.png
What it looks like in the chapter:
i.imgur.com/3y6rIp3.png
How it looks with text around it:
i.imgur.com/DchZGlA.png
It's also available for use in comments.
I hope this helped!
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Thank you so much! Let me try it.
Okay, looks good.
When you say "white skin", do you mean "human white" or "paper white"?
I believe the term you're looking for is "emitted".
I am curious as to how a cragadile ended up on a different planet...
I can't think of any advice to give you except maybe have the protagonist(s) learn that telling others they're inferior, even matter-of-factly, is wrong.
Here you go!
Ah, welcome to the deconstruction family. We weally need to get a group together. My name is legendbringer and I am going to give this chapter a read and see how it turns out. I am actually looking forward to your interpetations of the characters. You are already on the right path by accepting advice.
Ps. Docs also works really well for stories.
pps. I am really, yeally looking forward to seeing how well you do buddy and artie, my faves from the original material. If you need any advcie, call me or Scorpio
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Hey, thanks! I didn't expect a trope page this soon, but wow; I feel kinda honored! And as for the cragadile, all of Equestria's life is there to an extent. We'll soon see which ones appear in homeworld chapters. ^^ Also, it's less "deconstructing" and more "revamping". And lastly...am I allowed to add tropes to my trope page, or is that something for the others to do? I mean, I added a few things, but nothing more.
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It's a pleasure to meet you. Thanks for giving me the time of day, and I hope to get to make an impact in the future.
Hmmmm...one of the many plot holes that I had seen in the remake was the idea that Titan's battle happened 1000 years ago during the same time of Starfleet's founding and becoming famed across the universe/ This helps to fix that mistake.
Nice job of actually giving GR a reason to pick Lighting as an apprentance/
Hmmmm...interesting beginning and nice set up. However, the real test will begin when we meet the other five and the dreaded one himself, Rhymey! Good luck with this and here's hoping you can finish
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Glad you like it. And for the record, like Crystal, I'll also be changing their names quite a bit. And their personalities won't be near as one-dimensional as the original. And Rhymey's substitute won't even rhyme! HALLELUJAH!
The story has potiental, and I wish you all of the luck in the world. Just remember, don't try to outdo or outpace the other two deconstructions on this site, just do the best you can. Quite frankly, I hope that of the stories I have found with your premise, that you will be the one that actually finishes. If you have any questions or need help, don't be afraid to call.
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Thanks for the support! And I promise not to outdo the others; I mainly want this to be its own thing by comparison. The others have done a great job deconstructing the actual Starfleet universe; I'm just giving my own take on it.
And I promise not to leave it hanging. After all, I've already gotten this far; no turning back now.
Hi there! 'Scorpio' here; I think you've set yourself the hardest task of the three of us. It's relatively easy to laugh from the sidelines, you actually have to take the premise that is already there and make it work. So far you're off to a good start. My only concern is that your ponies, being actually nice and badass, will still put the mane characters in the shade, but you're long way off from that yet.
Good luck!
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Thanks! And I promise, the Mane 6 won't be out of the limelight.
For the record...
It's "Krysta" not "Crystal"
orig14.deviantart.net/70ac/f/2014/045/2/3/mbpsfm__krysta_by_dakari_king_mykan-d76h9xz.jpg
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It's called an "adaptation name change". There's going to be several. Also, that was fast; I only finished my second chapter and you noticed me.
Hello there, 🤣
I saw Purple make a fanart of your work, and upon reading it, I gotta say it's good, although it would be best to unload the backstory little by little, or slip it between chapters. I am aware you are mimicking MLU, and the adaptation changes are superior to the original. I don't know how to point it out but it feels heavy in explanation, it also feels like it's too early for me to learn about Crystal and Lightning's relationship, it would be nice to have a build up to the events leading to it. This prologue still has good balance, I guess I expect something emotional on the very beginning. heh, heh.
Never thought I would see someone take the challenge of rewritting Mykan's little "Magnum Opus", and so far I'm impressed.
A little bit heavy on backstory, but I think it sure bonds well Lightning with Crystal.
I also like how them feeling like expys of the canon ponies is more deliverated and intentional than just ripping off and renaming like the original. Keep on the good work.