In the far-off reaches of Neo-Equestria, a race of actually heroic space ponies venture across the universe to save any planets in need of dire assistance. For nearly a millennium, they served to protect, acting as a beacon of hope. But an ancient evil has begun to awaken from its long imprisonment, and so it's up to the newer generation of ponies to save the day!
But as they do, they have to come face to face with several powerful monsters, crafty henchmen, and their own inner demons as they discover the true meaning of friendship wherever they go. They must make new allies in the most unlikely of places, and work together to bring down the dark sorcerer that threatens all of existence, even as their struggle brings them to a world similar to their own...
Let the adventures begin!
I...feel like I should have just stuck with this site instead of copypasted from Word. That's learning experience number 1! ^^;
Good luck, but beware you have an uphill battle ahead. You aren't simply trying to make likable characters, but actually have to work against the dislike already existing toward them due to pre-existing versions and developed opinions.
Also, one thing about the prologue bothers me. In the flashback, if Lightning has no memory beyond his name, then how would he know whether or not he had ever cast magic like that golden blast before?
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Oh, that? He doesn't remember because it's the first time it happened to him. Before this, he didn't even know he had it, let alone be aware of whether or not he could pull it off. In Lightning's mind, all he was doing was distracting the cragadile so Crystal could escape; he thought he wasn't going to make it out of this. As soon as the golden power took over in self-defense, it took over for a little bit. Think of it like the Avatar State, in a sense.
Anyway, thank you for the feedback. I promise, the coming chapters will be a bit less...shaky, as it were.
Edit: I just realized what you meant, and I'm sorry I didn't double check. Late nights, y'know?
It's unfortunate how much of this chapter is taken up by infodumping, as it's - to me, at least - a bit difficult to get immersed in the setting and characters. I know what you've said both in the Author's Note and your comments, and I'm planning on sticking with this fic for at least a few more chapters to see how it pans out, but there were times when it was a bit difficult to continue reading. Of course, I don't plan on reading the original to compare them in that regard, so I'll just say you did a good job.
A small tip for the Author's Note: you might want to change it to a blog post. It's kind of obtrusive and takes up a surprising amount of space, which could potentially draw readers out of the story (once it has more chapters, that is). Just a suggestion, and you by no means have to go through with it.
Overall, it's a rocky start, but I'm interested to see where it'll go. As Hopeful_Ink_Hoof said, the story's going to struggle simply because of the original's infamy, but if you keep up the hard work, it'll definitely shine through the mire of doubt. Have a like! (Although more because of your motivation than the story itself, so far.
)
Edit: Case in point, someone came through and disliked all four comments.
I found a few things that may or may not need to be changed.
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Admittedly, that third correction was kind of me being stupid. And the first one was me failing a spot check. The rest, however, I never even thought of. And to be fair, the original fic started off with a bit of backstory as well, but there was admittedly a bit too much "showing, not telling" on my part. And as for the blog post, thanks for the tip! I'll be sure to start doing that sometime.
Just ah...one more thing, if you're not busy. How do I do the line transitions? In my word document, I had some underlines to show when a scene ends and another begins. But here, those are absent. I noticed them on other fics, but I don't know how to make them myself. I regret that I need assistance for such a thing, but it'd really help me.
Lastly, I'm glad I only really got disliked because of the infamy surrounding the original fic.
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Instead of trying (and failing) to describe where to find it, I took four screenshots and highlighted the important stuff.
What to click:
i.imgur.com/gxkqMny.png
What it looks like in the editor:
i.imgur.com/4MpY7VU.png
What it looks like in the chapter:
i.imgur.com/3y6rIp3.png
How it looks with text around it:
i.imgur.com/DchZGlA.png
It's also available for use in comments.
I hope this helped!
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Thank you so much! Let me try it.
Okay, looks good.
When you say "white skin", do you mean "human white" or "paper white"?
I believe the term you're looking for is "emitted".
I am curious as to how a cragadile ended up on a different planet...
I can't think of any advice to give you except maybe have the protagonist(s) learn that telling others they're inferior, even matter-of-factly, is wrong.
Here you go!
Ah, welcome to the deconstruction family. We weally need to get a group together. My name is legendbringer and I am going to give this chapter a read and see how it turns out. I am actually looking forward to your interpetations of the characters. You are already on the right path by accepting advice.
Ps. Docs also works really well for stories.
pps. I am really, yeally looking forward to seeing how well you do buddy and artie, my faves from the original material. If you need any advcie, call me or Scorpio
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Hey, thanks! I didn't expect a trope page this soon, but wow; I feel kinda honored! And as for the cragadile, all of Equestria's life is there to an extent. We'll soon see which ones appear in homeworld chapters. ^^ Also, it's less "deconstructing" and more "revamping". And lastly...am I allowed to add tropes to my trope page, or is that something for the others to do? I mean, I added a few things, but nothing more.
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It's a pleasure to meet you. Thanks for giving me the time of day, and I hope to get to make an impact in the future.
Hmmmm...one of the many plot holes that I had seen in the remake was the idea that Titan's battle happened 1000 years ago during the same time of Starfleet's founding and becoming famed across the universe/ This helps to fix that mistake.
Nice job of actually giving GR a reason to pick Lighting as an apprentance/
Hmmmm...interesting beginning and nice set up. However, the real test will begin when we meet the other five and the dreaded one himself, Rhymey! Good luck with this and here's hoping you can finish
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Glad you like it. And for the record, like Crystal, I'll also be changing their names quite a bit. And their personalities won't be near as one-dimensional as the original. And Rhymey's substitute won't even rhyme! HALLELUJAH!
The story has potiental, and I wish you all of the luck in the world. Just remember, don't try to outdo or outpace the other two deconstructions on this site, just do the best you can. Quite frankly, I hope that of the stories I have found with your premise, that you will be the one that actually finishes. If you have any questions or need help, don't be afraid to call.
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Thanks for the support! And I promise not to outdo the others; I mainly want this to be its own thing by comparison. The others have done a great job deconstructing the actual Starfleet universe; I'm just giving my own take on it.
And I promise not to leave it hanging. After all, I've already gotten this far; no turning back now.
Hi there! 'Scorpio' here; I think you've set yourself the hardest task of the three of us. It's relatively easy to laugh from the sidelines, you actually have to take the premise that is already there and make it work. So far you're off to a good start. My only concern is that your ponies, being actually nice and badass, will still put the mane characters in the shade, but you're long way off from that yet.
Good luck!
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Thanks! And I promise, the Mane 6 won't be out of the limelight.
Well, everyone is certainly more likeable here, except maybe Percy (don't get me wrong, she's still a lot more likeable than Rhymey, but that doesn't stop her coming off as a bit aloof; I'm guessing that she's going to be the main sidekick going forward). I also like the idea of a mentor trio of older fighters who (again, guessing) are going to be a more regular presence than the Grand Ruler so as to save him up for special occassions.
While I can see why Lightning has a list of his fellow trainees, I still wasn't entirely sold on the idea since one of the parts of the original that I had the most problem with was the Grand Ruler choosing Lightning's friends for him rather than letting him make them himself. Still, you mostly made it work.
Looking forward to whatever comes next.
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On the subject of Percy, I intentionally had her like that. It's admittedly somewhat hard to get to like a character of this type early on before development settles in, and I prepared for that a little bit. Heck, most characters like that don't get to show their real likability until the later parts. I do plan on making that more readily apparent as the chapters go on, however.
Also, all the team members are going to be of equal importance; there won't be a main sidekick, rather just a team of late teens with different abilities, advantages, and weaknesses.
And I'll be honest, I just kind of remembered Celestia's method of getting Twilight to meet her friends was kinda the same way. I really don't know how to fix it now that it's already a part of the story. In fairness, I do have an idea on how to make up for this.
In any case, I'll wait for the proofreading to begin so I can see what can be done to fix my storytelling.
For the record...
It's "Krysta" not "Crystal"
orig14.deviantart.net/70ac/f/2014/045/2/3/mbpsfm__krysta_by_dakari_king_mykan-d76h9xz.jpg
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It's called an "adaptation name change". There's going to be several. Also, that was fast; I only finished my second chapter and you noticed me.
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People like you (Low-lives/mockers of the net) seem to attract me like metal to a magnet.
I give you this one warning: don't push your luck, it won't give you a good image either
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You know, threatening me online isn't going to make you look anymore professional than you've made yourself out to be. If you want to have a civil conversation, then send me a pm. I don't want this comment section cluttered with needless garbage from both our ends.
I didn't know Caesar could be so repetitive.
I must admit to being confused. Are some of the ponies not, ahem, alicorns? Are they all anthropomorphic?
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D'oh! Excuse me, lemme fix that. Also, they're all alicorns in the traditional sense, but they all have the physiology of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi respectively.
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I still have confusion. I need fan art.
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I officially need a volunteer. I'm not an artist. >_<
OH, and this is where the rest of the team starts to come in!!!
So, lets meet the troops!
But, first some words about the opening. I love the description of both Titan and the world. Eris, while making me think of Voltron and Discord, also makes me think of Apocolyapse from DC.
And now for the team.
Hey buddy! Ok, so he has a lot of potiential and I like that he is peppy and very friendly. My question is, for him, is his daughter/cousin going to show up because I am curious as to how Daphine will be tackled if she exsists.
The man, the myth, the legend. This is our Artie expy and he seems fine, never expected him to be southern.
Hey Starla, how's it hanging. She seems rather...Pinkieish and I kind of like it. She is
Rhymey, is a mare...Rhymey is a...he's a...HAHAHA!!!!
Hmmm, interesting that you made this two girls to a team. I kind of like it and its very sentai like. And don't worry about too much fluff, little things like that help the world feel that much bigger and some of the characters unique.
Also interesting is that it's Astra's aunt that is what inspired her. I also love the idea that there is a trio of heroes before them. It kinds gives an idea of legacy and I hope to see it followed up later.
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Glad to see you like the characters, so far! I based Artie/Colin on the fact that he's from the Unicornicopian version of Sweet Apple Acres in the original. As for the others, I'm happy that they at least left a good impression.
Also, Daphne Dil will be a thing, and she will also be renamed.
8339379 Nothing here is against site rules or any US laws that I've ever heard of. Your threat has absolutely no weight behind it whatsoever.
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*high-fives*
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Or any Canadian laws, I am certain.
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It wasn't a threat...
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It just appeared that way. That's all. I apologize for any misunderstandings.
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Too late, what's done is done...
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Yeah, yeah, one wrong and they're forever bad; forgiveness is a weakness; etc.
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You notice he's edited his original comment?
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It said "Don't push your luck" even BEFORE I edited it... I just added the part next to it...
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I know.
...Say, are Percy Prose and Fluttershy going to be an item?
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Without your edit adding the bit about it giving him a bad image, it certainly reads like a threat. Like, "keep doing this and I'll report you and have your story revoked/your account banned from the site." I don't like seeing people get bullied into submission like that, so I clarified the situation.
It can be difficult to read intent and tone through text alone; replacing facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language with a picture of a gay purple horse tends to put a damper on actual understanding. I apologize for any such misunderstanding here, and I am grateful you amended your original comment to clarify your intended message.
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No, they're not. I already have shipping ideas in mind for Percy.
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Whatever! Nothing has changed, people continue to mock me and worse... (I don't trust you, you've sided with and supported my mockers too many times and let them go free)
This is not a threat, and don't bother replying... I know what you're going to say, and I'm not interested.
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Says the person who's wasted time and effort on making fics mocking a show he doesn't even like.
You know what this makes me think of? And I mean this sincerely with all of my heart, it makes me think of some really good alternate universe fics I have read before. Like the Lunaverse, Manehattenverse, and the like. We even have a unique way to introduce the team, giving it a chance to show off it's unique depth.
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Wow. That's actually very insightful! Thanks! I'm happy to know it's already bringing to mind those works.
So. As it turns out, Titan's the name of Celestia's father in "The Immortal Game", which I have not yet read. I'm gonna ask all of you whether or not he should be renamed. Because I feel like he should keep his name for my own reasons, but the overall decision is up to you all.
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First off, you should read the immortal game soon, it's one of my favorites and a big inspiration for my own fic.
Second, I really think it's all up to you. One of my big problems with titan is that hearing the name makes me think of IG so much. I would almost rather go wiht Cosmos or Seraph
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Cosmos actually seems a bit simple. And Seraph sounds a bit too heavenly for an evil sorcerer. How about... I dunno, something darkness related? I do LIKE the word "Seraph", so I might use it for something else.
Okay, I've got the perfect name for Titan! Once my charger comes back, I'll be sure to make the appropriate adjustments.
Thanks to Legendbringer for approving of this one.
This...is amazing. You've actually managed to make the world more believable, the characters less Sueish, and the entire concept of Starfleet Magic all around more tolerable.
Since this is likely to be a redo, will we expect monsters-of-the-week?