Okay, I've gotta ask: is this a trollfic? I'm not trying to bash you but you've checked off a lot of cliche boxes and I'm still on the second paragraph.

Seems edgy and cliched, as 8986789 stated. Also, it's not a good idea to illustrate your stories with inline images, unless you REALLY know what you're doing.

Also, infodump much?

This is honestly my first story so I'm still working on a few things but if you have any experience writing please PM me if you have a way to help me.

One suggestion is to read, a lot. Read "Mordane Stronghoof", "Dance Amongst the Stars" or other stories that have a like to dislike ratio of about 100:1, you have to remember that likes are cheap and many people are not really into analysing stories but they usually only read for fun.

If you want something more complex read Weapons_X or Celesti Lateo's story. Casper is also pretty good, BookeCypher too. Read "Diaries of a Madman" if your up to the challenge.

Vyncent Moon

Vyncent

Lol wut.

8986893
Since its your first story, I recommend that you consult the site's writing guide. It'll help you avoid the pitfalls common to new writers.

I would also seriously consider stopping this one, reading the guide, then trying again using what you learn.

8986931
Thank you for the help

I give this fic a....

I thought this would be appropiate.