The Janitor of Canterlot Castle

by Lavaman

Magical Apartments Mean Magical Chores

That night, I slept. But not like every night; that night I slept with a sense of security that I wouldn't wake up to a moldy smell and find cockroaches trying to eat my skin. It's happened.

Of course, my apartment never looked so sterile to where you could eat off the floor. When I bought it, it was just how I had kept it all these years. Moldy, smelly, in disrepair. Despite me living is such crappy conditions for so long, I have always tried to be as clean as possible. Heck, I even tried walking on my hind legs so that I could eat with my clean fore hooves. And guess what? All that got me was a trip to the hospital and a bad headache in the morning.

Going back to the present, seeing as no one seems to have time to go for a trip down memory lane (well except old ponies) we'll start with me waking up. I was expecting my annoying alarm clock to wake me up but in its place was a high-tech alarm clark called Technee. Nearly scared the living crap out of me. I was in dream land, dreaming about wonderous things when, all of a sudden, I hear the loudest freakin' digital alarm sound ever. I literally fell out of bed. "How do I turn the darn thing off!" I scream. I finally find an instruction manual in the night stand drawer. "Turn off the alarm!"

"Good morning, Pillows. It is currently 4:05 a.m. The forecast for today will be Sunny, with cloud cover coming in late afternoon. " Well, that'll be one thing that is bad about my new surroundings. Anyway, I am excited to see what I have for breakfast besides Bran Crunch. And what I had was probably crap to everypony else but to me, it was a rare delicacy. Ponytarts. They're these things that are made of bread and filled with berries or apples or fruit or something, and then covered with icing. And you pop then in the toaster, and eat them with your mouth. They're filled with sugar. Horses and ponies. Love. SUGAR.

After my breakfast, I rush over to the bathroom to see what its like. Only one word describes it: ":D" I don't know how else to put it. When you flush the toilet, it splashes your butt with water. When you do brush your teeth, you can press a button to get a cup that fills with mouthwash. The shower has too many buttons, but I was able to figure them all out in a timely manner.

After all of these amazing experiences, I find that have a whole whopping hour until I have to go to work. So then I sit down on the couch, and I don't even look at TV. I just keep thinking about how she did all this. What, was she Extreme Makeover: Amazing Edition? How did she do all this in one single day? Heck, how did she afford all of this? Well, she is a world famous cellist. True, true. But still, its amazing how she was able to accomplish this feat.

My eyes set upon a DVD case on my new coffee table. The cover reads: "Extreme Makeover: Pillows Edition" Eh, I was close. I slap the disc into my player and it amazed me. The thing was only two minutes long! Two minutes of renovation? Or two minutes of senseless talking about the renovation that no pony cares about. I hit 'play' and standing there is Octavia. She says to the camera: "Today, Pillows, we are giving your apartment some touch ups! And we have someone very special here who is going to help us. Do you have a few words?" The camera comes upon an alicorn.

My heart skips a beat and I pause the video. "WHAT WAS MY BOSS DOING IN MY CRAPPY APARTMENT?!?!" I was freaking out as to what the heck she was going to say about me. I press the 'play' button as if it were a venomous snake and Princess Celestia says: "Though Pillows is late sometimes, and does some things I am not happy with at work, he keeps my castle sparkling clean. So that is why, Pillows, Octavia and I have decided that you deserve a little present." She does some of her weird magic crap and there is a bright shining light that envelops the entire screen. Afterwards, my apartment looks like it is currently.

The alicorn looks at the camera yet again. "Pillows, this is your gift for being such a good janitor. Don't worry about anything with your home, I have made it self-cleaning and self-restocking. I still expect you to be at work tomorrow." the video ends there. "Well she's a buzz kill." I say. I mean, dear her! She gives me the biggest present in all of present history and she says "You need to be at work tomorrow." I then decide its best to just try to forget about all this magic apartment crap and go to work a few minutes early.

I do my usual self-schedule; clock-in and go to my closet. I guess the Princess was too busy taking over the world, so she left a note on my uniform. I got angry quickly. The list was impossible to do in three days! Here's what it said:

Dear Pillows,
I have gone away to do some 'personal business' and I need you to take over a few of my simple non-magical duties for me. As well as some of your duties. Princess Luna is too ignorant to do my chores. Here it is:
1. Clean out the public bathroom. It's infested with ninjas and a pony had a large bout of magical explosive diarrhea.
2. There are a lot of coffee stains on the rugs in the hall between the kitchen and Luna's Room. Clean them.
3. Take inventory of my supplies. My supply closet is in my bedroom. Touch a single thing in there and you're fired.
4. Go to the post office and send the letters to the leaders of foreign countries.
5. Luna was somehow able to break her toilet again. It's on fire and needs to be replaced. Actually, do this chore first.
That's all that I have for you. I expect all of this to be done in three days, which is when I get back.
-Princess Celestia.

Dear my boss! That's way too much to do in only a few days! The one's I'm most concerned about are numbers one, two, three, four, and five. Wait, that's all of them. But yeah! I've made my point. Here's why these will all take so long.

Number one will be hard because the public bathrooms get filthy way too easily, and ninjas seem to infest the place a lot more often and in larger numbers. And magical explosive diarrhea is literally explosive. Some ponies' butts have flown off from it! This means there's gonna be a huge black spot all over the stall, and a lot of cleaning. Number two is hard because that alicorn spills coffee way too many times on that rug. Number three I'm expecting to be hard because I've heard Celestia's supply closet is extremely hugely gigantic. Number four is hard because mailing letters to foreign leaders requires you to put all the letters in the proper slot. And she has a lot of letters. And number five is difficult because I'll have to lug a toilet to Luna's room from Celestia's supply closet.

So, don't expect anything really exciting next chapter.

Comments

[Mr Foster]

Good job sir! Here, have a Chicken

[RandomUser1]

More ninja fighting wooo!

[LordGremlin]

where in the hell do the ninjas keep coming from?!

[Freeze]

A message to all fans of this story:
Please check out my latest blog post if you ignored it.
It's talking about a pretty much never ending story that will be like a sequel to this one.
I bet you want that. :D

[CanterlotGuardian]

1275036
I actually do want that. For this one, I mean. Because this story is awesome.

[Science-Mare]

Luna was somehow able to break her toilet again. It's on fire and needs to be replaced. Actually, do this chore first.

Eh...uh...w-w-WHAT....its on fire.....you know what, I'm just gonna blame that crazy pink mare I once saw and leave it at that.