Trixie unexpectedly visits Luna, who must scramble to accomodate her. The visit is special, so Luna wants to get it just right. Getting a visitor on the moon is rare after all.
8063629 Not sure how well Trixie would have survived meeting a crazed Nightmare Moon. An unstable Luna is already going to be pretty issuey for her I imagine.
I can see appeal for a Nightmare moon x Trixie story though. However, I think such a story would be more interesting after Nightmare is removed from Luna, but that would be alot more thinking things through and a much longer story, not my intent with this one.
Just had to pissed off and in the hermits breakfast after he told you no on teaching you his spells I told you not to do but did you lissen no. Hell he TOLD you if you keep bugging him he was going to send you to the moon. *face paws and sighs* Now what am I to do *grumbles about contracts that only end when mortal dies or gets what the asked for* Going to blame this one on Tia told her to keep that spell locked away.
8068189 It's a concept I've thought on and off about for awhile, just never wanted to make a big story out of it. There are other stories about Luna's time on the moon, I just don't think any of them involve what I am doing, still not sure if this will get a romance or other tags.
I saw a few good ones start off with Luna on the moon and quickly go to her waking up after NMM is defeated. Feel free to try your hand at this concept, it's a fun, though not used very often now one.
8065995 Maybe she clung to the side of a Tardis and let go?
Haha, I'm down for a story like this. It's great to get into a good habit of writing regularly. You chose a funny day to start, though!
To the story so far...
It seems like a common thought that Luna's time spent banished to the moon meant that she was LITERALLY just hanging out on the surface of the moon, but I've personally never thought that fit. With the appearance and disappearance of the Mare in the Moon, I've always thought it more symbolic that she was banished there. Like... An alternate dimension where her anchor to Equestria was the moon since she had such a strong connection to it. For example, if she was banished to her favorite teacup she wouldn't necessarily live in the cup (maybe, though. Tiny teacup Luna, Ha ha) but rather the cup would be a stake that the magic leash of her banishment was attached to.
But hey! No problem with either interpretation and currently your story isn't REALLY stuck one way or the other. Luna is already described a crazy, magic horse. If she was convinced she was in the moon or if the spell (rather cruelly) simulated her being in the moon... Hmmmgh. Well, I won't read that much into it based on the first chapter, Ha ha. Let me read into something else way too much instead! Trixie's appearance.
What had Trixie done to end up here? Annoying crazy hermits? Spell gone awry? I assume that it isn't EASY to banish someone to the moon otherwise Luna might have had at least SOME company (however briefly) over the course of a thousand years. If Trixie is the first, that asks some interesting questions. How about "Why did Trixie appear so near Luna when Luna is known to wander around the large moon?" Trixie would not have survived long without that chance (?) meeting. Theories include it not being chance, Trixie ACTUALLY being a hallucination, Trixie being very lucky (unlucky), and some other magic thing.
Given the ostensible nature of this story, your reluctance to mark it romance and an already admittedly dark tone (not terribly dark, but it is definitely there) I could see Luna continuing to doubt that Trixie is not a hallucination. There is also a huge power imbalance between them that makes things... Also dark considering Trixie would rely on Luna for living. Hmm...
Anyways!! For critique, I feel like you dragged the "something woke me up, but I don't know what" on for a little too long. It felt repetitive rather than tension building because we all (probably) knew what it was. Ultimately, in fact, I felt like the chapter was a bit too exposition heavy, telling us what Luna had become and what she does rather than showing us. Personally, I think this chapter could have been cut way down and removed most thoughts of Luna about how crazy she is and instead let us see it over the course of coming chapters. It would allow the mystery of if she is crazy or the nightmare or Luna or what. But that might also change the tone of the story and it might not be the kind of thing you mean to write, ha ha.
Anyways, everything I write should be taken with a handful of salt. I get the impression that you shouldn't stress too much about getting it all perfect for this story since it is an experiment. That's always been my flaw and keeps me from writing. Not to make this about me or tell you how to... Mmmgh. Well, whatever!
Heh, yeah, wasn't planned, but that's how it ended up.
It seems like a common thought that Luna's time spent banished to the moon meant that she was LITERALLY just hanging out on the surface of the moon, but I've personally never thought that fit.
The funny thing is that I completely agree. I feel it was most likely that she was asleep the whole time, sealed away in the moon. The ability for a mind to survive that long on its own, especially for a social species...nah, I don't see it realistically. It would be hard enough to hold it together and evolve with the changing views of the kingdom as it is like Celestia has done, but for Luna to have actually been awake and alone on the moon for a thousand years? She'd prolly be a vegetable if she actually wasn't unconscious for most of it.
But, despite what I think happened, I like the 'what if?' and this story is part of that. Luna is not conscious for long periods, so she isn't completely out of it, but she isn't all there anymore either.
What had Trixie done to end up here?
This and many of your other questions will eventually be answered. But, as you said, it is already exposition heavy, and I aim to keep that 2k word maximum.
"something woke me up, but I don't know what" on for a little too long. It felt repetitive rather than tension building because we all (probably) knew what it was.
Heh, the curse of character tags and pre-story descriptions.
Noted, maybe I'll clean it up later this week.
I think this chapter could have been cut way down and removed most thoughts of Luna about how crazy she is and instead let us see it over the course of coming chapters.
That is the curse of hindsight, and trying a story I didn't plan out fully. I felt the need to explain more than was probably necessary because I didn't have any planning on putting it in somewhere else in the story. When I plan a story, I can figure out how to tease things out better, show more than tell, and at the moment, I don't have that with this story.
That's always been my flaw and keeps me from writing.
Eh, it's why I first read a lot and did editing for people, built up my confidence as I would alter and recommend things that the writer approved.
I feel that's also partly why Gryphon Empire has such mixed views, alot of that was experimentation. I tried newspaper articles, dream sequences, OC descriptions, accents, writing a culture with a backstory, etc,etc. It's just showing everyone my experimentation as opposed to keeping it to myself. I got many good comments, critical or otherwise, and I expect I'll wind up with the same with this as I feel through and figure out better ways to write.
I actually decided more on this due to constantly seeing that "Fluttershy wants in your pants" story. The guy updates it all the time, and does a lot of weird, short chapters. So I wanted to try my hand at it...though I will never write as off the wall as he does.
Luna? Not Nightmare Moon?
I like. Keep it up!
Well, this looks interesting!
Nice.
8063629 Not sure how well Trixie would have survived meeting a crazed Nightmare Moon. An unstable Luna is already going to be pretty issuey for her I imagine.
I can see appeal for a Nightmare moon x Trixie story though. However, I think such a story would be more interesting after Nightmare is removed from Luna, but that would be alot more thinking things through and a much longer story, not my intent with this one.
Okay Trixie. Do you mind explaining what you did and how you managed to wind up on the Moon?
The fact Luna is still willing to befriend a corpse in her banishment is delightfully morbid and would make a bizarrely entertaining side story.
I really like this concept and it makes me want to write a similar story
Just had to pissed off and in the hermits breakfast after he told you no on teaching you his spells I told you not to do but did you lissen no. Hell he TOLD you if you keep bugging him he was going to send you to the moon. *face paws and sighs* Now what am I to do *grumbles about contracts that only end when mortal dies or gets what the asked for* Going to blame this one on Tia told her to keep that spell locked away.
8068189 It's a concept I've thought on and off about for awhile, just never wanted to make a big story out of it. There are other stories about Luna's time on the moon, I just don't think any of them involve what I am doing, still not sure if this will get a romance or other tags.
I saw a few good ones start off with Luna on the moon and quickly go to her waking up after NMM is defeated. Feel free to try your hand at this concept, it's a fun, though not used very often now one.
8065995 Maybe she clung to the side of a Tardis and let go?
Haha, I'm down for a story like this. It's great to get into a good habit of writing regularly. You chose a funny day to start, though!
To the story so far...
It seems like a common thought that Luna's time spent banished to the moon meant that she was LITERALLY just hanging out on the surface of the moon, but I've personally never thought that fit. With the appearance and disappearance of the Mare in the Moon, I've always thought it more symbolic that she was banished there. Like... An alternate dimension where her anchor to Equestria was the moon since she had such a strong connection to it. For example, if she was banished to her favorite teacup she wouldn't necessarily live in the cup (maybe, though. Tiny teacup Luna, Ha ha) but rather the cup would be a stake that the magic leash of her banishment was attached to.
But hey! No problem with either interpretation and currently your story isn't REALLY stuck one way or the other. Luna is already described a crazy, magic horse. If she was convinced she was in the moon or if the spell (rather cruelly) simulated her being in the moon... Hmmmgh. Well, I won't read that much into it based on the first chapter, Ha ha. Let me read into something else way too much instead! Trixie's appearance.
What had Trixie done to end up here? Annoying crazy hermits? Spell gone awry? I assume that it isn't EASY to banish someone to the moon otherwise Luna might have had at least SOME company (however briefly) over the course of a thousand years. If Trixie is the first, that asks some interesting questions. How about "Why did Trixie appear so near Luna when Luna is known to wander around the large moon?" Trixie would not have survived long without that chance (?) meeting. Theories include it not being chance, Trixie ACTUALLY being a hallucination, Trixie being very lucky (unlucky), and some other magic thing.
Given the ostensible nature of this story, your reluctance to mark it romance and an already admittedly dark tone (not terribly dark, but it is definitely there) I could see Luna continuing to doubt that Trixie is not a hallucination. There is also a huge power imbalance between them that makes things... Also dark considering Trixie would rely on Luna for living. Hmm...
Anyways!! For critique, I feel like you dragged the "something woke me up, but I don't know what" on for a little too long. It felt repetitive rather than tension building because we all (probably) knew what it was. Ultimately, in fact, I felt like the chapter was a bit too exposition heavy, telling us what Luna had become and what she does rather than showing us. Personally, I think this chapter could have been cut way down and removed most thoughts of Luna about how crazy she is and instead let us see it over the course of coming chapters. It would allow the mystery of if she is crazy or the nightmare or Luna or what. But that might also change the tone of the story and it might not be the kind of thing you mean to write, ha ha.
Anyways, everything I write should be taken with a handful of salt. I get the impression that you shouldn't stress too much about getting it all perfect for this story since it is an experiment. That's always been my flaw and keeps me from writing. Not to make this about me or tell you how to... Mmmgh. Well, whatever!
Good luck! I'll be checking out future chapters!
8071117
Heh, yeah, wasn't planned, but that's how it ended up.
The funny thing is that I completely agree. I feel it was most likely that she was asleep the whole time, sealed away in the moon. The ability for a mind to survive that long on its own, especially for a social species...nah, I don't see it realistically. It would be hard enough to hold it together and evolve with the changing views of the kingdom as it is like Celestia has done, but for Luna to have actually been awake and alone on the moon for a thousand years? She'd prolly be a vegetable if she actually wasn't unconscious for most of it.
But, despite what I think happened, I like the 'what if?' and this story is part of that. Luna is not conscious for long periods, so she isn't completely out of it, but she isn't all there anymore either.
This and many of your other questions will eventually be answered. But, as you said, it is already exposition heavy, and I aim to keep that 2k word maximum.
Heh, the curse of character tags and pre-story descriptions.
Noted, maybe I'll clean it up later this week.
That is the curse of hindsight, and trying a story I didn't plan out fully. I felt the need to explain more than was probably necessary because I didn't have any planning on putting it in somewhere else in the story. When I plan a story, I can figure out how to tease things out better, show more than tell, and at the moment, I don't have that with this story.
Eh, it's why I first read a lot and did editing for people, built up my confidence as I would alter and recommend things that the writer approved.
I feel that's also partly why Gryphon Empire has such mixed views, alot of that was experimentation. I tried newspaper articles, dream sequences, OC descriptions, accents, writing a culture with a backstory, etc,etc. It's just showing everyone my experimentation as opposed to keeping it to myself. I got many good comments, critical or otherwise, and I expect I'll wind up with the same with this as I feel through and figure out better ways to write.
I actually decided more on this due to constantly seeing that "Fluttershy wants in your pants" story. The guy updates it all the time, and does a lot of weird, short chapters. So I wanted to try my hand at it...though I will never write as off the wall as he does.
Ok you have my attention, lets see where this gos
Fascinating. Poor Luna, solitude's taken its toll.
...So Nightmare Moon will have a passenger when she breaks free...huh, I wonder how this will affect history.