Phaoray
Joined 20th Apr, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Phaoray · 11k words · 125 0 · 4.5k views
- Hakuno · 6.5k words · 71 3 · 2.1k views
- SilverMuse · 2.5k words · 83 3 · 2.4k views
- Spider8ite · 2.3k words · 53 11 · 1.7k views
- Archmage Ansrit · 19k words · 46 6 · 1.7k views
- DEI Caboose · 2.1k words · 57 2 · 1.8k views
- DannyPager · 1.9k words · 86 17 · 4.6k views
Featured In8
- Celestia & Luna4,434 stories ·2,702 members
- The GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE899 stories ·1,058 members
Luna Is The Best Pony4,627 stories ·7,265 members
The Great and Not Obsessive Trixie2,047 stories ·1,636 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,205 stories ·5,458 members
Everypony is the Best Pony6,490 stories ·1,051 members
Trixie is the Greatest Pony1,480 stories ·1,107 members
- Princess Columbia's List32 stories ·0 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.162 seconds
Total duration
1,097 users online
1,745,027 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Luna? Not Nightmare Moon?
I like. Keep it up!
Well, this looks interesting!
Nice.
8063629 Not sure how well Trixie would have survived meeting a crazed Nightmare Moon. An unstable Luna is already going to be pretty issuey for her I imagine.
I can see appeal for a Nightmare moon x Trixie story though. However, I think such a story would be more interesting after Nightmare is removed from Luna, but that would be alot more thinking things through and a much longer story, not my intent with this one.
Okay Trixie. Do you mind explaining what you did and how you managed to wind up on the Moon?
The fact Luna is still willing to befriend a corpse in her banishment is delightfully morbid and would make a bizarrely entertaining side story.
I really like this concept and it makes me want to write a similar story
Just had to pissed off and in the hermits breakfast after he told you no on teaching you his spells I told you not to do but did you lissen no. Hell he TOLD you if you keep bugging him he was going to send you to the moon. *face paws and sighs* Now what am I to do *grumbles about contracts that only end when mortal dies or gets what the asked for* Going to blame this one on Tia told her to keep that spell locked away.
8068189 It's a concept I've thought on and off about for awhile, just never wanted to make a big story out of it. There are other stories about Luna's time on the moon, I just don't think any of them involve what I am doing, still not sure if this will get a romance or other tags.
I saw a few good ones start off with Luna on the moon and quickly go to her waking up after NMM is defeated. Feel free to try your hand at this concept, it's a fun, though not used very often now one.
8065995 Maybe she clung to the side of a Tardis and let go?
Haha, I'm down for a story like this. It's great to get into a good habit of writing regularly. You chose a funny day to start, though!
To the story so far...
It seems like a common thought that Luna's time spent banished to the moon meant that she was LITERALLY just hanging out on the surface of the moon, but I've personally never thought that fit. With the appearance and disappearance of the Mare in the Moon, I've always thought it more symbolic that she was banished there. Like... An alternate dimension where her anchor to Equestria was the moon since she had such a strong connection to it. For example, if she was banished to her favorite teacup she wouldn't necessarily live in the cup (maybe, though. Tiny teacup Luna, Ha ha) but rather the cup would be a stake that the magic leash of her banishment was attached to.
But hey! No problem with either interpretation and currently your story isn't REALLY stuck one way or the other. Luna is already described a crazy, magic horse. If she was convinced she was in the moon or if the spell (rather cruelly) simulated her being in the moon... Hmmmgh. Well, I won't read that much into it based on the first chapter, Ha ha. Let me read into something else way too much instead! Trixie's appearance.
What had Trixie done to end up here? Annoying crazy hermits? Spell gone awry? I assume that it isn't EASY to banish someone to the moon otherwise Luna might have had at least SOME company (however briefly) over the course of a thousand years. If Trixie is the first, that asks some interesting questions. How about "Why did Trixie appear so near Luna when Luna is known to wander around the large moon?" Trixie would not have survived long without that chance (?) meeting. Theories include it not being chance, Trixie ACTUALLY being a hallucination, Trixie being very lucky (unlucky), and some other magic thing.
Given the ostensible nature of this story, your reluctance to mark it romance and an already admittedly dark tone (not terribly dark, but it is definitely there) I could see Luna continuing to doubt that Trixie is not a hallucination. There is also a huge power imbalance between them that makes things... Also dark considering Trixie would rely on Luna for living. Hmm...
Anyways!! For critique, I feel like you dragged the "something woke me up, but I don't know what" on for a little too long. It felt repetitive rather than tension building because we all (probably) knew what it was. Ultimately, in fact, I felt like the chapter was a bit too exposition heavy, telling us what Luna had become and what she does rather than showing us. Personally, I think this chapter could have been cut way down and removed most thoughts of Luna about how crazy she is and instead let us see it over the course of coming chapters. It would allow the mystery of if she is crazy or the nightmare or Luna or what. But that might also change the tone of the story and it might not be the kind of thing you mean to write, ha ha.
Anyways, everything I write should be taken with a handful of salt. I get the impression that you shouldn't stress too much about getting it all perfect for this story since it is an experiment. That's always been my flaw and keeps me from writing. Not to make this about me or tell you how to... Mmmgh. Well, whatever!
Good luck! I'll be checking out future chapters!
8071117
Heh, yeah, wasn't planned, but that's how it ended up.
The funny thing is that I completely agree. I feel it was most likely that she was asleep the whole time, sealed away in the moon. The ability for a mind to survive that long on its own, especially for a social species...nah, I don't see it realistically. It would be hard enough to hold it together and evolve with the changing views of the kingdom as it is like Celestia has done, but for Luna to have actually been awake and alone on the moon for a thousand years? She'd prolly be a vegetable if she actually wasn't unconscious for most of it.
But, despite what I think happened, I like the 'what if?' and this story is part of that. Luna is not conscious for long periods, so she isn't completely out of it, but she isn't all there anymore either.
This and many of your other questions will eventually be answered. But, as you said, it is already exposition heavy, and I aim to keep that 2k word maximum.
Heh, the curse of character tags and pre-story descriptions.
Noted, maybe I'll clean it up later this week.
That is the curse of hindsight, and trying a story I didn't plan out fully. I felt the need to explain more than was probably necessary because I didn't have any planning on putting it in somewhere else in the story. When I plan a story, I can figure out how to tease things out better, show more than tell, and at the moment, I don't have that with this story.
Eh, it's why I first read a lot and did editing for people, built up my confidence as I would alter and recommend things that the writer approved.
I feel that's also partly why Gryphon Empire has such mixed views, alot of that was experimentation. I tried newspaper articles, dream sequences, OC descriptions, accents, writing a culture with a backstory, etc,etc. It's just showing everyone my experimentation as opposed to keeping it to myself. I got many good comments, critical or otherwise, and I expect I'll wind up with the same with this as I feel through and figure out better ways to write.
I actually decided more on this due to constantly seeing that "Fluttershy wants in your pants" story. The guy updates it all the time, and does a lot of weird, short chapters. So I wanted to try my hand at it...though I will never write as off the wall as he does.
Okay. Anyone else wanna hug Luna? *Goes to hug Luna*
Okay, Trixie. What did you do to piss off a Thestral?
How was a thestral able to send her to the moon anyway?
8080231 Due to the mention of 'feeling like a dagger was in her shoulder' my guess is it was a ritual... probably a cult sacrifice type....except it actually sent her to Luna, body intact, instead of to Nightmare Moon
Haha, nice! I like the tease of mystery that was added here. There were some big questions posed by the last chapter and here they weren't answered exactly, but I like that in a story. It feels interesting.
We also got to see Luna acting pretty unbalanced, which is a nice way to start building up her instability. Now to make me second guess myself, haha.
I thought Luna inching towards Trixie was cute and funny, but I'm thinking Trixie hasn't had her proper breakdown. This doesn't seem to have been the plan, exactly. I wonder if Trixie having to deal with an unstable, powerful alicorn will put that off out of necessity?
Now lets watch what happens next !
I like the story, but you need to work on you "olden time" speech, especially with thou/thee/thy/thine.
Thou = You as a subject.
Thee = You as an object.
Thy/Thine = Yours (Which word to use depends on the beginning of next word: thy if the next word begins with a consonant sound, thine if the next words begins with a vowel sound.)
8080845
I'm trying!
I went through the 'turns out only' episode of Luna speaking this way, I found definitions for all of it, and made my own little cheat sheet which looks like this:
But I guess I am not interpreting it as I should then. I write the chapter out and then go back and see where and what to change in her speaking. I will look over it and see where I went wrong.
8080231
Thestral batman could do it! He could afford the rocket ship needed I'm sure.
8086485
8086485 Yeah, that cheat sheet is spot-on. Glad you're gonna go back and edit the chapter. Just keep using that sheet and you'll get the hang of that manner of speech in no time.
8080231 Because Princess Celesta probably.
8094363
8094504 What? It probably was.
Ho w could a threshal do it alone? Unless this is some drug induced fever dream for Trixie, or Luna's completely lost it.
Please, could we have some moar?
Just found the story and really loving it, can't wait for the next chapter.
Very enjoyable so far!
Gonna Give it a thumbs up and adding it to favs!
Ok you have my attention, lets see where this gos
The sexuial- I mean shipping is real
Are we going to see how magic horse got here next chapter?
8064151
Frank means that she wasn't Luna when she was part of the moon, she was Nightmare Moon. Also likely wasn't just on the surface either.
But that is sort of the traditional way to view it even if it's like 98% sure that couldn't possibly be it, so can't judge too hard.
Essentially, looking at the logical issues with key, pivotal points of the story. Such as how the thestral can accomplish what took an alicorn wielding all six of the elements of harmony to do, being ON the moon rather than discorporated in it (mare in the moon wouldn't be there if she was just sitting on the moon's surface), and that she was Nightmare Moon during her extended visit. Granted, any one of these might require a different story or something, so personally I don't find much of a problem.
8158029 Yep, goal is every Friday, and to try to keep a chapter ahead in writing.
8158733 Probably, hopefully the ending was good for that kind of a transition.
8159486 Hmm, some of the explanation would be minor spoilers. I will say that Trixie's 'banishment' is different from Luna's.
And while it makes the most sense for Luna to be asleep in the moon, rather than awake on it, I have seen stories that take that concept before. Plus the 'mare on the moon' face could easily be explained as a sign that she is still banished, more of a warning system than anything else.
8162548
Those 'easy to explain' bits are generally due to a lack of information meaning anything someone comes up with will probably work. Though it makes more sense for her to have been merged with the moon rather than sitting on the surface. But like I said, since season one's "Progress" fic which blew up the whole woobie Luna image and made it super popular in the fandom, that is the traditional way of viewing it - Luna bored on the moon's surface which is patently ridiculous. So I can't judge you for going with that for your story, because it's almost as old as the fandom itself.
8159486
Indeed, the lack of information allows writers to fill that vacumn with lots of less than logical explanations sometimes.
I am one hundred percent with you on that. It would be unnecessarily cruel of the elements to force her to be awake the entire time on the moon, long lived or not. That is kind of a mental death trap. Buuut, it worked for the story I wanted to make. Usually I go the logical route, but, if I did that, this story would have been a lot harder, probably not work at all, really.
Huh, I don't know that fic, I've never read a story about Luna being awake on the moon per se. I have read ones where she came back from the moon and that was the case, causing all types of issues due to mental degradation and insanity. Ones where Nightmare slept and came back time to time, forcing Luna to suffer the brunt of time's grindstone to her mind instead of herself.
This is as close to a silly concept as I've ever touched on, I think. I do consider it a silly concept, but it worked for what I wanted to try out. I mean, there is literally fics of Twilight and her brother getting it on, to the tune of 'Let it go' even. So a silly concept? Yes. Completely out there in comparison to other silly concepts? Nah.
8166789
Precisely true!
Okay, we finally get an answer to everything we wanted to know.
So they've been sending her dead bodies.
Those probably weren't as much fun to play with.
To be fair, it's a star on a wand. And you have an auspicious name, too. Celestia, at least, clearly puts stock in those (Cough Sunset Shimmer Cough Twilight Sparkle cough personal student theme cough).
Heh, alright! I'm happy to see a couple of updates to this story. I'm curious to see how far you can carry this with no plan long term plan.
I think you might regret doing this chapter reveal before setting up much more tension on the moon, but I'm sure I'll be surprised. Honestly, I really liked the previous chapter (although I didn't comment on it directly) and I think some of your strongest points have been in character interaction. Luna is pretty sufficiently creepy. Personally I think she is right in the zone of pitiable and off putting. Her constant need for validation is interesting and could lead to some very unfortunate moments of doubt strikes at a bad time, haha.
Right now it looks like this story will live our die on the interrelationship between Trixie and Luna. There isn't a whole lot of mystery left with the reveal of how Trixie got to the moon, so teasing the readers along with pieces won't work (I think?) but I'm curious to see what happens!
Best guess right now is that tension will come from unwanted advances from Luna to Trixie and possibly Trixie fearing for her life. It seems kinda bleak, though, since she is kinda in the mother of bad spots.
Mmm... One interesting turns might be if it turns out that Trixie was only temporarily sent to the moon because of the botched spell and when Luna realizes this she tries to trick Trixie into staying in a number of ways. Maybe she initially uses her alicorn powers to manually and forcibly keep her new companion but maybe as outside forces pull Trixie back (ponies attempting to resummon her without knowing the situation) Luna is either required to pull harder (maybe causing harm to Trixie), trick or convince Trixie to perform some act to bind HERSELF to the moon (basically the Trixie "I'll stay with you forever" ending) or do something else to keep Trixie around as company (give in just a LITTLE BIT to the nightmare? Leave a big image on the moon telling the ponies to quit it?). Bonus points if Trixie is successfully resummoned back to Equestria temporarily at times when she is making progress with Luna causing Luna to lose faith that Trixie is real. Lol
Still, however the story goes, I'm curious to see where you take it. Thank you for continuing and good luck!
Pretty interesting so far. Setting it before canon events changes a few things, since Trixie doesn't have the same emotional baggage.
8176677
You and me both. I do have an ending figured out at least, at least the main idea of one.
Yep, it was always meant to be a interaction piece, I had no plans on keeping any real mystery parts. It's just a silly idea I had to keep me writing and also experiment on getting over my own embarrassment issues of writing sensual and clop pieces. When I did the make out scene between Flutters and Discord in Hopes and Follies I felt incredibly awkward, so if I can get over that I can work on making better sincere and sweet scenes as well. Or so I feel.
Though I am going to try, I may not get a chapter out tomorrow, I just started a college class this week and am working to adjust it into my life, but we'll see how I manage.
As always, thanks for the comments!
Really interested to see where this is gonna go! Also when the 1000th summer sun celebration rolls around. And what happens afterwards. I already ship it! Wait... I just noticed there's no romance tag... Just a sex tag
... Interesting
Luna is nuts in the best possible way, here. I kinda feel sorry for Trixie, kinda wish I was in her position. :p
Kinda hoping those cultists get the book thrown at them. Figuratively and literally. This explains things.
Things might be a bit awkward around the time of the series premiere.
So, you're still having difficulty with the difference between thee and thou, though I see improvement. But there is no such word as thou's or thy's. It's just thy (or thine, if the next word begins with a vowel sound). Do you have a proofreader, or anyone to quickly comb through and hammer those out?
What, really? I know Trixie hauls a wagon all over the land, but Luna is significantly bigger. And an alicorn.
8191722 I did check the first season's second episode to compare size and Luna did not appear to be larger than the average pony in it. At least to me.
8191543 hmm, I am at the beach at the moment, i'll look over it when I get back. I have a editor, but they are pretty much where i am in learning to use olde timely speak.
Good to know thy's and thee's is not a thing, I shall correct that when I get back home.
8191853
Oh, if she's Season 1 Size, sure, but I assumed that was some kind of side-effect from being hit with the Elements.
8191892 ahh, gotcha. I always figured that she reverted to that form when magically drained or something...doesn't explain why she didn't when tirek was around though.... meh.
But in the second chapter I did describe Luna as only a head taller than Trixie.
8191947
That's actually probably why I didn't realize she was meant to be Season One size.
A full head taller is closer to her later size than her Season One Episode Two appearance, it's a significant amount, because that would mean Trixie (not counting her horn) only came up to Luna's chin.
Heh, just Luna being creepy, dodgy and clingy and Trixie being pretty oblivious to the situation she is in. I will admit, I didn't catch what Luna was requesting at the end until you pointed it out in the author's note. Slick as silk, Luna. Haha.
Admittedly, that isn't quite the reaction I expected to a revelation that there existed a second princess, but in retrospect it doesn't seem like any pony really cared in canon either so... Heh.
I wonder what Luna will be doing while observing Trixie. Will she interfere with Trixie's dreams or will that require additional permissions? Things can get weirder in the dreams, I suppose.
Good luck and thank you for the chapter!
8192023 I'll recheck when I can but i assume you already rechecked the episode?
I checked her size based on comparisons when she hugged Celestia and when Twilight hugged Celestia. And then at the end when Ponyville is welcoming Luna back she is seen to be, again, taller than the ponies around her.
As for strength, I only work out a few times a week, but I am stronger than a few of my taller, by a head or two, more sedate friends. That and we really never see the princesses do feats of strength physically makes me feel that their actual strength beyond magical is up for debate.