A Human World

by Icewind505

Awakening

Discord strained against his rocky barrier, after just 2 years he had grown tired and cold. A small crack appeared at the base of his neck and worked it's way up toward his horns. Slowly smaller cracks branched out, criss-crossing across his face. Soon there was a meshed working of cracks and fissures worming all around Discord's body. A bright light seeped out of the cracks and grew brighter until it engulfed the Draconequus' body. An explosion resounded through the room and out of the dust emerged two bright glowing yellow eyes, Discord was back, and intent on revenge.

----

Twilight and the other ponies had gathered in the park for their weekly pet playdate. Tank teased Opal and Angel ran alongside Winnona while Aloysius watched it all from a branch in a nearby oak tree. Gummy chewed on things as he usually did. Twilight read the first book in the series of Understanding Magical Mysteries or U.M.M for short. Applejack argued with Rainbow Dash about who was the best athlete, as usual, and Rarity was busy trying to do something with Pinkie's puffy hair. Fluttershy on the other hand had snuck off in search of something more elusive than time itself, the golden chested mockingbird.

She slowly stalked through the nearby forest, listening for subtle signs of life. She soon heard the short trill of a bluejay, followed by a somewhat deeper trill. Fluttershy brightened and took off towards the sound. Instead of finding the little bird she had hoped for, she found a broken statue. But not any broken statue, it was hollow inside and shaped like the bottom half of a certain Draconequus she knew. Fluttershy stumbled backwards looking for an exit but the trees had grown so close that they formed an impenetrable barrier. Fluttershy unraveled her wings only to see that the branches twining together to form a solid ceiling. Fluttershy flew as fast as she could at the closing gap but to no avail, as soon as she reached it she bounced off the leafy barrier and crash landed in the dirt. The "room" was dark, she could see nothing, suddenly a light flickered to her left and then her right. Soon the room was full of candles that fully illuminated a certain Draconequus that had caused Equestria so much pain. Fluttershy gasped at the image before her. It was Discord, he towered over her with a smug grin plastered all over his face. Fluttershy looked past him at the broken statue, her eyes widened in surprise and realization; following her gaze Discord saw his broken prison and his smile grew even wider.

"Do you like it? I made it myself."

Fluttershy gulped, a huge lump had appeared in her throat. She knew she had to be brave in the face of danger but she just couldn't help stuttering as she spoke.

"W-w-what do y-you want Discord?"

Discord looked the shy little pegasus right in the eyes and merely chuckled. Could she really be that ignorant? She must have geussed what he wanted. But Discord decided to say the answer nevertheless.

"I want revenge. Wasn't that clear?"

"W-we won't let y-you get away w-w-with this Discord!"

"Haha! OH REALLY! Well, I'll give you a little heads up. I'm a nice guy, so, why don't you go warn your little pony friends. You have 5 minutes."

With that, Discord dissapeared in a puff of smoke. The walls and ceiling receded and the candles sank into the ground leaving a still shuddering Fluttershy in it's wake. The little yellow pegasus shook her head and galloped out of the forest. She had to warn her friends, but would they believe her? She charged right into the park, all her friends snapped their heads towards her.

"What's wrong sugarcube, somethin' bothering ya?"

Fluttershy flopped down on the grass to catch her breath, all her friends gazed at her with questioning eyes. Fluttershy managed to get out some speech between puffs of breath.

"Discord... is... back..."

Everypony looked in disbelief. Eventually Twilight laughed and broke the silence. Everypony stared at Twilight, it was so out of character for her to laugh at another friends worries. Especially after that time she got so worked up over Princess Celestia's friendship letter problem.

"Fluttershy, I don't mean to laugh but *giggle* it's impossible for Discord to escape."

Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak when a dark cloud began to swirl around the ponies. Everyone stared at it then shot a glance at Rainbow Dash. She shrugged, they hadn't planned any storms today.

"Well, Twilight Sparkle, nice to see a familiar face. Is it really impossible for me to escape?"

All the pony's mouthes flew open as they saw the Draconequus float out of the sky on a puff of pink cloud. They all scrambled backwards but they were stopped by an invisible barrier. Rainbow Dash, being rash but brave, flew right into Discord's face and glared at him. She shouted loud enough to make everypony's ears hurt.

"What do you want Discord!? I swear if you turn me or my friends gray again I'm gonna kick your sorry flank so hard that you'll land in the middle of next week!"

Discord threw back his horned head and laughed. Rainbow Dash took this as an insult and tried to kick him but her foot went right through. Rainbow Dash flew backwards in shock, no way that just happened.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash, you make me laugh! You know that I only want revenge. Now, I have a question for you, how are you going to kick my sorry flank when you're not here?"

After his comment he snapped his fingers and dissapeared, in his stead stood a gaping black hole. It sucked at everything around it and pulled it into its gaping maw. Rainbow Dash tried to fly away but the harder she flew the stronger it pulled. She soon got sucked in with a piercing scream.

"Rainbow Dash!"

Applejack jumped into the hole to try and save her friend, but she fell in as well and dissapeared. Pinkie thought it looked fun and instead jumped right in. As she soared through Twilight heard a small "Wheeeee!" Twilight reluctantly jumped in with Fluttershy and Rarity in tow. But as soon as they hit the hole they blacked out.

----

When the pony gang awoke they were in the middle of a grassy field piled on top of eachother. But they felt strange. Rainbow Dash wiggled out from the bottom of the pile and screamed. All the other ponies turned toward their friend and gasped.

Her hooves were no longer hooves but strange appendages made of flesh. Her tail was gone and her muzzle had receded to a flat face. She was wearing a tank top and shorts that matched her would-be coat and her mane was now just short-cut rainbow hair. Rainbow twirled around looking for her wings. She looked on her rump but her cutie mark was not there, but was instead printed on her pants. Her peachy skin shone in the sunlight and her eyes sparkled. Each "pony" looked at each other. Fluttershy had long flowing pink hair and a yellow tank top and shorts. Rarity had her trademark curly purple hair, she was wearing a white tank top and shorts. Applejack, Twilight and Pinkie had much the same style. The unicorns groped around on their foreheads but couldn't find their horns.

"Oh dear me! How am I supposed to find my diamonds now!?"

Everyone glared at Rarity, that was the least of their problems. The most apparent question was, where were they?

Comments

[RainbowJack~]

Awesome first chapter! I know there is still 2 more so far but I it!

RJ~

[Flutterwonder]

Interestinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng......

[Icewind505]

Okay, I fixed kiss to kick, big misunderstanding.

[EternalShadow54]

Ok, you asked me to give a few pointers, so... Here I am! All these are based on a personal profession, so in no way should you think that this is putting down your style, it's just what I see as small things that tick me off when I see 'em...

I have to say that your formatting is... strange... The second paragraph isn't double spaced and looks to run on with the third, and just because they speak doesn't mean you have to COMPLETELY seperate what they said with the other sentences.
Ex:"Fluttershy, I don't mean to laugh but *giggle* it's impossible for Discord to escape."

Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak when a dark cloud began to swirl around the ponies. Everyone stared at it then shot a glance at Rainbow Dash. She shrugged, they hadn't planned any storms today.

Well, PERSONALLY, I think it'd be best written as so...

"Fluttershy, I don't mean to laugh but *giggle* it's impossible for Discord to escape." Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak when a dark cloud began to swirl around the ponies. Everyone stared at it then shot a glance at Rainbow Dash. She shrugged, they hadn't planned any storms today.
And then you would double space to indicate that somepony else was speaking.

Also, you could refer to the ponies other than a she or their names when describing them, though the last paragraph gives enough details to what happened to each of them, so I guess that fine for now...

About Rainbow Dash refering to Discord's rear as an 'ass' seems SO out of character in my opinion. She wouldn't say flank, but doesn't it seem more reasonable if she said "I'm gonna kick your tail!" or something like that?

"eachother" should be spaced...

And so far, that's about it for chapter 1. Grammatically, I think you need a few commas within a few phrases to indicate a pause if this was being read to somepony else, otherwise AWESOME JOB! I really like the concept and will definately be reading on. (That is, if you don't mind the criticism...)

*Common tips* Never put a period before the word 'but'. Instead, a comma would suffice to indicate that momentary pause. Never start a sentece with the word 'and' either... Just a few common mistakes I see a lot, like how alot isn't a word, but a phrase that should be seperated and how you shouldn't use numbers, but spell them out when refering to literature... Other than the number thing, none of this other stuff was found. I was just warning you against such easily made mistake...

Remember, this is all my personal opinion and is derived from what I know about writing. I am doing as you asked, therefore I hope that you forgive the length of this reply to JUST chapter 1. I await your response to thins before I decide to review another chapter...