• Published 28th Feb 2017
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Report on the Occult Energies of Equine Commradery - SaltyVampireHorse



Peridot is stuck in Equestria, good thing shes got her handy-dandy tape recorder!

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Log Date: 7 28 3, Subject: The "Pinkie Pie"

Log Date: 7 28 3

Subject: “Pinkie Pie”

Audio Recorded by: Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG

“Oh Hiya Peridot! Whatchya doing?”

“Oh… hello Pinkie, I am currently recording one of my reports on my research of your dimension”

“Oh! Do me do me!”

“Very well.” *clears throat*

“Another of the “Twilight Sparkle’s” compatriots is the Earth pony known as the “Pinkie Pie”. Perhaps of all the organic life forms i have discovered on this planet, she is one of the most bizarre both in terms of her biology and her cognitive state.”

*Pinkie bursts out laughing*

“...”

“Oh, sorry, I’ll hush up”

“Like I was saying, the “Pinkie Pie” appears to possess powers that could theoretically rival that of most gems, even the hydrokinetic abilities of Lapis Lazulis. She appears to be able to summon objects and weapons from absolutely nowhere. Strangely, despite such potential, she usually conjures rather trivial items such as confectioneries and celebratory party tokens. I myself have only witnessed her summoning her weapon—a large ballistic artillery device she refers to as her “Party Cannon”— on certain occasions. But, again, she chooses to use it for pointless endeavors such as gatherings and congregations she labels as “parties”. Although her weapon likely possesses inferior combat capabilities anyway.”

*Pinkie laughter* “Silly Peri! My party cannon is super useful for fighting off nasty changelings. But it’s also super-duper useful for decorating parties! I mean, Duh! That’s why it’s called a Party Cannon!” *chuckles*

“... What is most intriguing about the “Pinkie Pie” is that she is capable of these Gem-like capabilities even though she is an Earth Pony, a species of Pony that is incapable of using arcane abilities. This led me to conduct further research on her abilities, cognitive capabilities, and mannerisms. One of my preliminary conclusions proposed she may actually be a mutation of Pony and Gem, similar to how Steven is a gem-human Hybrid. On a side note; the “Pinkie Pie’s” behaviours, as well as aspects of her physical biology, bear a resemblance to Steven, these aspects mostly being her rather expanded shape and her hair. This hypothesis was subsequently disproven as the “Pinkie Pie” has no gemstone anywhere on her body—that I am aware of, at least. Further observation and biological examinations may be required. My observations also uncovered additional abilities that the “Pinkie Pie” possesses, namely: a body with elastic and rubber-like properties, extreme speed, future vision reminiscent of a Sapphire, apparent teleportation—although further observation is needed—and a completely improbable ability to defy all known laws of physics and gravity (possibly a glitch in her genetic composition). My conclusion: the “Pinkie Pie” is some higher cosmic being that has manifested into a physical form, that appears to resemble a pink Earth Pony. This conclusion is further supported by one of the “Pinkie Pie’s” most puzzling abilities. She appears to possess some type of sixth sense that enables her to see things that many others cannot see, she refers to this ability as “4th Wall Breaking”. Initially I misunderstood the meaning of this as the “Pinkie Pie” explained to me that it is not destroying the fourth wall of a structure in the literal sense. An interview I conducted with her reveals that this ability supposedly allows her to open time-space rifts and temporarily communicate with beings across distant plains of existence that observe her though a unique trans-dimensional surveillance system, she calls these observers “Bronies”. It is possible that the “Pinkie Pie” may be entirely insane, however it is also just as likely that these “Bronies” may be her worshipers who use their surveillance system as a means of connecting and worshiping their higher being. This is both a concerning and also quite interesting turn of events, one one hand; The Diamonds may be able to use this being’s power to finally conquer the remainder of the known universe. On the other hand, it may simply destroy all of us and cause the cataclysmic heat-death of the entire universe. However, as stated before, the being known as the “Pinkie Pie” seems to be highly passive, preferring to use its her abilities to entertain and bring positive sentiments to all those who she engages with. While entirely pointless, frivolous and a complete waste of one’s true potential… I cannot help but be reminded of Steven and Amethyst...who I miss terribly. ”

“Hey, don’t be sad Peri, I promise we’ll help you get back to your friends or my name isn’t Pinkemena Diane Pie. And that’s a Pinkie Pie promise! Cross my heart and hope to fly! Stick a cupcake in my eye!”

“... Redaction: perhaps it’s for the best her powers are used in this way, and perhaps they aren’t as infantile as they seem. Peridot out”

“So Peri, you wanna help me with some baking in the meantime?”

“That would be...nice Pinkie”

-End of Transmission

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