Will Ye No Come Back Again?

by Judge Holden

Culture Shock

"A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots."

-Marcus Garvey

---

My first night following the adoption was unique to me, because I managed to actually fall asleep in a cozy bed once my head hit the pillow. My dreams, however, were not peaceful. I prided myself in the fact that I hadn't actually shouted out upon awakening yet.

Again, however, as soon as my night terrors were about to get even worse, the dream changed to one of purity and calm.

Pinkie woke me the next morning to get me fitted for...

Sigh.

"C'mon! We need to get you to Rarity- you can't go to the royal court without looking your best!"

Due to the lack of written records regarding me (I didn't even have a birth certificate here for obvious reasons), I was to be brought to a castle in a place called Canterlot for some paperwork and finalizing of my adoption. I was told that the rulers of Equestria lived there and if I was good, they would see about me getting a viewing.

Yeah, a viewing. I couldn't help but picture the rulers sitting totally still on thrones staring into space, and just being stared at. It made me happy that I was not royalty.

It was doubtful that I would actually meet them myself, but I was told that Pinkie knew them well, and Twilight was a dear friend of theirs.

I didn't know who they were, though. Pinkie just told me they were called Celestia and Luna. Both names sounded very familiar to me, and I wondered just why I had to ask in the first place. The Princesses were known by all from first conscious thought, after all. They must have just slipped my mind.

My problem was having to be made presentable. My mane was still a mess not unlike Pinkie's, only hers actually worked for her and I looked like I just got struck by lightning. That could be fixed with some tough love in the form of a brush, though.

The other issue was, in order for me to be made presentable, I was told I'd need a dress, which Rarity would make for me.

I didn't want to be difficult especially to my new guardian, though, so I donned a false smile and tried to cooperate as well as I could.
Okay, that's not the real reason I didn't struggle. The real reason was, I until then had never seen an angry Pinkie Pie, and something told me that it was probably for the best if I kept it that way.

I also had to pretend to have a care of the different color fabrics, designs, and textures Rarity was showing me.

"For your fur, I think a nice pink or even light blue would look good. Ooh, or perhaps..."

That's exactly everything I remember Rarity saying that didn't go right over my head. The rest of the conversation consisted of fashion hokum and excited squealing between her and my caretaker, because apparently so much as being in proximity to the princesses was an honor, even to those who consider themselves friends of theirs.

I did what I did best: I smiled and nodded. Inwardly, however, I was terrified. I didn't want to wear a dress. The boys in the squad would have a field day if they found out! Especially Sergeant- Captain...

Captain, uhh...

Oh, shit. Captain Herd something or other?

"What do you think?"

I blinked. How could I forget the name of my squad leader? There was Sammy, Corporal Prick, His Holiness Sergeant Kelly Eldrige III Fucking Esquire (we called him Sasquatch), and...

"Captain Hartman!" I shouted, prompting Rarity to jolt backwards.

"Wha-"

"Pinkie Pie!" shouted Pinkie. We ignored her, and Rarity decided that asking about my outburst was probably not the best move, so she just sort of went around it.

"I- I asked, what do you think of this style, darling?"

I blinked, and looked at the mirror I'd only then noticed.

Rarity did not disappoint. Even I had to admit the dress looked nice. She went with a light blue silky material, and a golden brooch of the sun and moon together on my chest.

That's all I could really tell about the dress. Oh, it was comfortable too!

"I uhh, it's nice," I said. Rarity seemed to be awaiting more praise, and considering she had been the one giving me food when I was homeless, I had to make something up off the cuff so as not to insult her.

"I like the brooch," I said. "It looks good with the dress."

"Do you love the material, or do you love the material?" she asked with an excited grin.

I smiled a fake smile and nodded once more.

"I uhh, love the material!" was the only answer. Anything to get me out of here and out of this damned dress, no matter how comfy it was.

Rarity squealed, as if I were somepony particularly important that appreciated her work and I just said it, didn't I?

Rarity and Pinkie proceeded to talk about something that I had no interest in. All I wanted was to wake up in a field hospital or something. Surely my side had some healing spells they could have used on me.

I barely even flinched when another filly around my age entered the building and tried to talk to me after spotting me. She waved a hoof in front of my eyes but I wasn't responsive, so she called me weird and ran up a staircase. I later found out it was Rarity's little sister.

When I finally came out of my trance I was no longer in my dress, and was on Pinkie's back being walked to who knows where.

"Pinkie?" I asked. Her ears twitched.

"Yeah?"

"I'm okay to walk. You don't have to carry me."

"You seemed to be really deep in thought. You didn't even react when I put you on my back!"

I blinked. Was I really that out of it?

"At any rate, I can walk. It's okay." With a smile she dropped down.

"Okie dokie lokie," she chirped. With a grateful smile I hopped off her back so I may walk by her side. I was getting really good at walking. I almost never stumbled anymore.

We were silent again for a few moments while we walked. Silence doesn't last if Pinkie has anything to say about it, though.

"So, what do you want to go as for Nightmare Night?"

I blinked. "Come again?"

"I'm going to go as a clown! Rawr, scary clown!"

She gasped. "You should go as a box of cereal!"

"Pinkie-"

"It would be so easy!"

"I don't-"

"You could be a cereal killer!"
"Do you mean Halloween?" was what I finally managed to ask. Pinkie tilted her head.

"No, like a box of Toxic-O's. Or Cutie Mark Crunch! But you need a knife too. Or a machete."

She gasped. "Ooh! What about a crossbow?"

I finally put a hoof on her arm to stop her.

"What is Nightmare Night?" I asked. As soon as my question was out, I saw her expression change to one of shock. She looked like I did when a kid at school asked me who Jesus was. Just... how?

"Do you live on this planet?" she all but shrieked. "Everypony knows what Nightmare Night is!"

I frowned, and pointed to myself. "Not this one."

She opened her mouth, but shut it again. Then, she got the look. You see, many of the horses here are keen on singing. That's no issue in and of itself. The problem is I've seen them burst into song and dance literally in the middle of the street.

"Weeeeeeellll.... Nightmare Night is such a fright-"

I swear to God I blacked out after she sung that first line. I was still standing, mind you. Surprisingly enough I didn't actually faint. But I have no recollection of anything that happened during the next four minutes.

All I know is what seemed like the entirety of the town's horses who were out that day seemed to have joined in for the ditty, and Pinkie had donned a top hat, moustache, cane and tuxedo during her song.

As quickly as it had all started, however, it was over, and I was happy. I even did the sign of the cross at the end.

"Does that answer your question?" asked Pinkie with a grin.

I only blinked. "Can you explain like I'm two?"

She giggled. "I just did!"

Damn. "Alright, six then?"

Pinkie then proceeded to remove the false moustache she'd put on as well as the other props and wardrobe she'd been using, and then put them all away. Now, when I say she put them away, I don't mean she put them in like a storage chest somewhere.

She stuffed everything into her mane. I've since come to the conclusion that Pinkie's mane is a hole in the fabric of space and time.

When I managed to get an answer out of her that wasn't in song regarding Nightmare Night, I figured it was basically Halloween. Apparently, everyp- EVERYONE who is around my age or Pinkie Pie goes house to house for candies while dressed up in costumes. So, basically trick-or-treating. The reason they do it though, is because they both wish to avoid being eaten by, and also hope to appease for another year some sort of demon they called Nightmare Moon.

Want to guess what my next question was?

"Who is Nightmare Moon?" I asked, and if I had fingers I would have been crossing them that there was no more singing to come. Pinkie has a good singing voice and all, but random musical numbers on the road where I'm from are just wrong, and I refuse to sing a note even in happy go lucky land.

"Nightmare Moon? Wow, you really are out of touch! You see, Nightmare Moon is-"

She literally bumped into an office. It didn't exactly dart out in front of her. Still, she didn't seem to mind. She grinned up at it, then down at me.

"We'll have to talk about that later. For now, you've got another appointment!"

I blinked. Pinkie proceeded to bring a hoof to my eye and opened it further through some type of sorcery. Amazingly, my eye wasn't the least bit irritated by it.

"Rainbow says you've fainted before, missy. You need to stop it."

She bopped me on the nose, as if it were my fault I was fainting a lot, but the smile on her face told me she was only feeling playful.

"So, you need a checkup. And a lollipop."

She proceeded to pull me in close as if she hoped to tell me something of utmost importance.

"Try to score me a lollipop too," she whispered.

I had to promise I would, and it was probably good I did. Still, I was not happy being at the doctor's office. The Pink Menace struck- Had I known I would be seeing a doctor too I would have made my peace already- I always hated being poked and prodded.

At least there wasn't so much waiting involved. We were taken to a room almost immediately. We didn't even have to say anything- they just saw Pinkie and directed us to Room 101, which to me said she's a regular here. I later found out she really was a regular here, though not for the reasons I'd suspected. It turned out she was fond of visiting the sick fillies and foals and bringing them cake and other treats.

I recalled with a smile the time my brother tried to make a cake with my mother. He was in charge of the icing, while my mother made the cake itself. It seemed like he got the icing on everything except the cake. It doesn't come out of corduroy. The cake itself was delicious, though.

When I returned to reality, Pinkie was MIA. I was the only one in the room now, and I looked around at the pictures of pony anatomy, the tools, the sterile counters, the clown picture that I just wanted to punch...

The more I thought about this place, I realized I knew so little. There was a box of toys in the room with me- they even had a few books. Sadly, no radio. What I'd give for some Little Orphan Annie or a good Fats Domino tune.

I studied the books for a while, but I kept finding my eyes wandering over to the box of toys, as if I wanted to play around with them over the books.

Still, I forced myself to look at the books some more. Most were of a series called Daring Do, but I found a few randoms in there. I swear I saw one called Mules Are Ponies Too.

I looked at my hooves, though. As if I could pick up the toys to begin with. Or- or even the books. Unless I could manipulate with my horn again. If I did it with a quill how difficult could a few dolls be?

I sat before the crate, and eyed my horn as well as I could. Okay, just me and the crate. Nothing else exists.

Wait, no. Just me! Right? Just me. Sammy. All that exists is me.

"There is no doctor's office. Just me in a void," I whispered. I could feel something tingle at the tip of my horn.

"Now, I see it. Just me and the toy crate. Nothing else exists."

I heard a clatter, but did not yet open my eyes. I could feel it, though. The crate was hovering. It felt as though something was tugging on my very soul.

"Having fun?"

I gave a shout and my eyes shot open as I jolted backward. The crate crashed to the floor and the toys scattered everywhere. I found myself hoping I didn't break anything. The last thing I wanted was any trouble.

I heard a hearty laugh from a familiar male voice, and looked to my side with a scowl.

"Well, you smell better," I grumbled. "That's a plus."

"Baby soap. It's one of the best inventions out there," he replied. "No more tears."

"Why are you here?" I asked. He put a paw to his chin.

"Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Something about a check up on account of my fainting."

He held a finger up in front of me and waggled it back and forth.

"Ah-ah-ah! You know that's not what I mean."

I was silent. He slithered down to my level and put his face beside mine.

"I mean why are you here? In Equestria?"

I remained silent for just a moment, and then held my hooves out. I "accidentally" bopped him on the cheek with one of them.

"Hell if I know."

He chuckled. "That's an interesting turn of phrase! I would think you would go with, 'Only the Flying Spaghetti Monster knows' or some such nonsense."

I blinked, but he continued. "Yes, yes. That's not until a few years after your time."

"What do you want from me?" I asked. He frowned.

"Just because I've decided to visit you doesn't mean I want something. Suppose I just wanted to make a new friend!"

This time, I frowned. "There are more opportune places to catch me than a doctor's office."

"Yes, you looked to be having rather a bit of fun with that crate."

He cleared his throat, and we both looked to the toys now scattered about. With a snap of his fingers, they were in the crate and righted again. Then, he slithered beside me again, holding my shoulders and I could feel his stare seep into my soul.

"I do think I'll be keeping an eye on you," he said. "At least until you no longer interest me."

I growled, and forced his mitts off me.

"Don't touch me."

"My, testy aren't we?" he asked.

I pointed a hoof at him. "I may not have the muscle I used to have, but I will still tie you in a knot if you irritate me."

I heard him heave a sigh, and he gave his head a shake. "Your kind is always so violent. I'm a good guy now! Well, kind of. It simply wouldn't do for me to offend dear Fluttershy. So I will overlook your callous."

He snapped his fingers once more, and again the toys I'd manipulated were all over. He grinned an evil grin.

"This time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to see a daedra about a fishstick."

He was gone in a puff of smoke and I was left with the mess I'd accidentally made. I let out a huff and kept myself from shouting to the ceiling, which is what I figured he wanted me to do.

"Ahem."

I felt every muscle tense. Here I was surrounded by toys and an overturned crate. I chuckled nervously.

"Whoops?"

The horse that had entered the room was eyeing me with a frown on her face. She was all grey save for a red cross on her flank, a stethoscope around her neck, and a nurse's cap on her head. I gulped, and she advanced a step.

So, in an effort of self preservation, I took a step back.

She grinned, and chuckled softly.

"Relax, dear. Those toys have been through a lot worse! You must be..."

She looked down at a chart I'd only then noticed.

"Sammy Pie."

Stunned and taken aback by the changed surname, I did not respond. She gave me a friendly smile at any rate.

"I'm Nurse Ratched. And you, my dear, have a positively beautiful coat. Except..."

I found myself set on a gurney, and the big nurse began to do what I hated, but had expected- poking and prodding. Specifically the pale areas in my fur. Remember? I only blamed the Krauts about twenty five times.

"Given that you aren't on record, I think it would be smart to examine these spots."

I gulped.

"I just want to be sure that these marks aren't on your skin as well."

"What if they are?" I asked softly. She smiled mournfully at me.

"Well, first off, if the skin is okay, then it's just your fur being discolored and it's a simple fix of using dye. If it's down to your skin, then I'm afraid we'll need to take a sample to run some tests on."

I didn't like the sound of that. Nurse Ratched gave me a smile and a pat on the head. I fought back a growl.

"Relax dear. I'll cut back some fur on that arm of yours and we'll see from there. It won't hurt and shouldn't be too noticeable."

"Okay," I muttered. The Big Nurse patted my arm gently.

"Atta girl. I'll be right back."

Part of me wanted to flee while she was gone. I didn't want her messing with my fur!

Uh, also the skin sample thing sounded unpleasant. Yeah. Alas, she was back before I could make a move to escape, and I felt like if I did, Pinkie would be the one that would find me.

The rest of the session with her consisted of a bald spot in my fur, gloom in my body language, and what turned out to actually be a mark on my skin as well. Apparently my skin beneath the fur was dark, or at least it looked it compared to the skin where I'd been wounded. That patch was pale white.

"Oh dear," she muttered. "I won't lie to you little one. It's going to hurt."

I sighed, and nodded.

"Would you like me to get your mommy?"

I shook my head, then squinted and looked up at her.

"Who are you talking about?"

The Big Nurse blinked, then turned away.

"I'm going to get her for you. One moment."

When she left again, I thought more about my current predicament. I knew I'd signed an adoption form, but... I didn't really consider myself adopted, stupid as that sounds. It felt more like I was signing a paper to allow myself to live in peace and under a roof.

Needless to say, when Pinkie waltzed in on the heels of the nurse, I felt a bit embarrassed. I didn't consider this place my home. I certainly didn't consider Pinkie Pie my mother.

When she saw the fur on the gurney and the bald spot on my arm, she cringed. It was almost like she was the one about to be biopsied.

I gave her a small smile. Truth be told, I still felt happy to see her here with me.

She nearly knocked me off the gurney- she shot away from the nurse and enveloped me in a hug tight enough to crush a diamond. I have no idea how I survived.

"I just wanted to know why you were fainting! I'm so sorry!" she cried.

"Mmmt mmmnt mmmmn met mmnky," was all I managed to say through her fur.

"I know. It just sounds so scary though!" she said.

Wait, did she understand what I said? How? I couldn't even understand what I said!

Wait, why am I asking? It's Pinkie Pie.

The nurse finally separated me from the vice grip that was Pinkie Pie and explained what was to happen calmly to me. First off, she would take a sample of the overlying skin in question, and then would take a sample of the tissue beneath it. It was to be a fairly quick procedure, but also extremely painful to my sensitive skin. She would be doing whatever she could to limit the pain I ended up feeling.

Pinkie was told to do whatever she could to keep me calm throughout, which she translated to tell jokes that made little to zero sense to me.

There was no time like the present to start, so...

"What did the robot say to the centipede?"

I said nothing in response. All I managed to get out was a squeak. The nurse had given me an anaesthetic, but I didn't feel too different.

"No! Stop being a centipede!"

The nurse seemed to think it was funny. Pinkie sure did as well. It sailed right over my head. When she took notice, she tried to clarify.

"Get it? Because the robot doesn't have any arms. Trust me. I have a Master in Robotics."

"What do you not have a masters in?" I asked softly. Without missing a beat, she responded:

"Culinary Arts. I'm still working on that. Ooh, that reminds me, when we get back you and I have some, uhh... cupcakes to bake! Yeah..."

"I don't know how to- fuck me that hurts!"

Under normal circumstances, my skin was very calloused. I'd done so much work on cars and houses that my arms and hands were basically just lumps of dead skin.

Nowadays, it felt like I had the soft skin of a baby. It was due to my being a unicorn. Pegasi have much tougher skin. Even Earth ponies have stronger skin and coats than unicorns do, but we use our magic to protect ourselves.

Wait, how the hell did I know all that?

Pinkie immediately began to tell jokes at rapid pace, and whenever she saw my eyes wandering over to my arm, would get in my face with a nervous grin.

"Why did the chicken cross the road? No reason; the chicken is a simple minded animal and incapable of complex thought and reasoning. What's green and has wheels? Grass- I lied about the wheels. Hey, hey! Sammy! What's-"

"Pinkie, please be quiet!" I snapped. This place had felt so advanced to me while at the same time remaining primitive, though. I would have thought a biopsy would be painless. That was some lousy anesthetic.

All at once, it was over. The pain in my arm began to settle down to a dull roar, and I took a gasp of air. The demon nurse gave me a pat on the back.

"I'm so sorry. Did the anaesthetic not work?"

I was panting heavily as if I ran a mile and that was all the answer the nurse needed. She frowned.

"Unicorns are so unpredictable. One day it doesn't work and the next it sends you into a haze."

When I tried to look at my arm, Pinkie made me look at her again. She didn't seem too upset with my snapping at her a moment ago. It was like she didn't hear it in the first place.

"Hey. Two ponies are going bear hunting and they pass a sign that reads, "Bear left." So, they went home."

I swear there was a rimshot. I didn't smile, though. The big nurse wrapped my arm up in gauze and said she would be right back. Neither of us reacted.

"What did the olive say when it fell off the table?"

I blinked.

"Olive."

There was another rimshot. Finally, I spoke up.

"Are you doing that?"

She ignored me. "A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, 'What is that?' The frog replies, 'Would you believe he started out as a wart on my butt?'"

Rimshot.

"How are you doing that?" I asked. Moreover, I should have asked how she knew what man was, but I had a feeling the answer would have been "Pinkie Pie."

Now that I think about it, I had the answer to the whole rimshot thing too. At any rate, I did not crack a smile.

"Did you hear about the pony who got his left legs amputated?"

I was silent, but I felt my ears twitch around the room, waiting.

"He's alright now."

Rimshot. This time was different, though. I felt a smile start to pull at my lips. Fight it as I did, I still lost, and I ended up cracking a small smile.

So needless to say, she lost it. She grinned wildly and leapt into the air again, then began to hop back and forth in front of me while babbling about how she was going to keep me smiling throughout my fillyhood.

The mention of it was enough to make me stop smiling. Before either of us could say or do anything, though, Nurse Ratched was back with two tasty treats.

"I should probably have waited until after the examination was over, but I thought you deserved a treat for being brave," she said to me.

Pinkie looked like she was holding herself back from pouncing.

Then, the Nurse approached me once more with a few medical hoosits.

"Now, let's see about that fainting problem, shall we?"

--

The rest of the appointment came and went for me with a lot of uncomfortable questions, poking, and prodding. The nurse dismissed us after around forty minutes, saying she would have results within a few days.

The skies looked like they were about to open up as we walked back to Pinkie's house. My mind remained on my future, though, and my current existence.

Pinkie was nuts, but she was also one of the sweetest things I've ever met. I had to have at least a little good luck in me if I were to fall into her lap.

I still had no intention of calling her mom, though. I wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet. Thankfully, she hadn't yet said anything about it, nor had she really said much about adopting me. Not just anyone adopts a random off the street. At least, not to my knowledge.

One question I had was why I felt so comfortable around her. That particular question was answered when I came back to reality. Pinkie was literally saying hello to everypony we passed, and they were all responding alike: "Hi, Pinkie." Who didn't she know? Was this all something to do with her masters degrees? I was sure she was bullshitting about all that.

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, Pinkie Pie is also one of the friendliest things you'd ever meet, and if you do meet her you're going to be friends with her by the end of the week. That's if she's a little slow, also.

When we finally returned back to the bakery, the first raindrops began to fall. She didn't see it, but I smiled up at her. Seeing a pink pony fumble with a house key while holding two lollipops in her mouth (I gave her mine) was kind of hilarious to me.

Finally the door was opened and she and I walked in. The curtains were pulled and it was very very dark in there.

Before either of us could say anything, lights came up and a familiar group softly said, "Surprise!"

The group contained a few unfamiliar faces to me, but mostly consisted of the ones I already knew. There weren't a whole ton of these ponies here, which suited me just fine. Even Rares was here. It felt like forever since I saw her!

The bakery had been done up while I was out with Pinkie. There were party favors everywhere, a food table that needed company from a hungry me, confetti on the floor and balloons everywhere. There was a somewhat worn banner overhead that read, "Welcome to Ponyville!"

The ponies I recognized were smiling gently at me, and Pinkie was eyeing me with a hopeful expression.

So, of course my first question was, "What the hell?"

Either the thought of a small child using that phrase was not unheard of here, or nobody knew what it meant. Pinkie, seeing that my reaction wasn't as extreme as the first attempt at surprising me, grinned, and squealed in happiness.

"I didn't scare you this time! Yay! Uhh, I didn't, did I?"

I blinked. "Wait, you set this up too?"

She nodded, that grin never leaving her face. "Yepperonies!"

"That's- I appreciate it, Pinkie, but you already threw me a party. You didn't have to again!"

She shook her head, and gave a shudder, as if the thought of no partying was poison to her.

"No, that was a 'Congratulations on being adopted or sent to an orphanage' party. This is the 'Welcome to Ponyville' party. There's a difference!"

I blinked, and she put a hoof to her eyes, then proceeded to bounce around the room pointing out streamers of slightly varying colors, a punch stand set precisely 17 degrees to the left of a cake as opposed to 17.9, and I swear she may as well have told me the secret to life itself, because all of it went over my head.

Additionally, she swore that the others were just told to be here for the surprise part and she had been the one who set everything up. I am not sure if I should believe her or not, because on one hoof, that meant she did all the prep work while we were at the doctor, which meant she was in two places at once, and on the other hoof, she's Pinkie Pie, so there.

Apparently a Pinkie Party is much more complex than you might think. I was amazed she didn't have a single gray hair- I got my first in boot camp! Sasquatch pointed it out.

She proceeded to go on about the intricacies of her party, and I found that I could do no more than smile at her antics. All I know is when she was done, she stood in front of me with a hoof out.

"So?" she asked with a grin.

I looked at my own hoof, then the ponies at the party with me. They were all smiling gently, as if willing me to take her hoof.

Uneasily, I looked to her again, and put mine in hers. A cheer erupted.

"The party begins now," I said.

End of Chapter

Author's Note:

Next chapter covers something, I'm sure.
One more thing: We're also going to be seeing Sam's memories continue disappearing as they have been. That's going to be a fairly large plot point here.
One more thing: If you're wondering if I meant Redheart or something for the Nurse, I didn't. Who turns down an opportunity to use Nurse Ratched? Then again, Sam wasn't lobotomized to my knowledge.
One more thing: Why disqualify the rush? I'm table.

Comments

[scootalooftw]

8008650 and snakes?

[Judge Holden]

8029018
Then you set everything on fire. Everything. Including yourself.

[scootalooftw]

8029578 But what about Tom's ex-wife?

[Judge Holden]

8029644 You leave her for Justice Guy to take care of. Like when a wife leaves her husband with three kids and no job to run off to friggin' Hawaii with some Doctor named Bob.