The Rescue Team
The rescue operator - formally known as Jake, entered his dark decent into, what they thought was a hole so he had no fear as he got deeper and deeper.. Jake said through the radio "How deep did you say it was?" He asked.
"About a mile deep, don't worry we have alot of wire here, you'll make it." a rescue operator responded.
"You are almost at the bottom, Jake be careful if he fell down there and there is actually a bottom, he is probably already dead. But if he isn't you have to get him out of there, wherever that may be.." a feminine voice announced over the radio.
"Wait there Jade, I think I see a light, standby." Jake said "Yeah there is definitely a bottom to this but I can't see him." Jake said.
"Be careful, the mother is getting anxious, if he is alive we are going to zip-line a drink down." Jade said.
"Okay but im meters away from that light that I said about.. Just a little more.. Okay Touchdo- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
Jake was sucked into this 'Light' but it was actually the portal end that lead to Equestria.
"Jade can you hear me? im in this.. Library. Im going to see if I can find him." Jake announced
There was alot of static and all he could hear was 'Untie yourself.... We wont pull the wire.... Be careful'
Jake understandingly replied "Alright."
**********************
God damnit the whole town seems like they are looking for me..
Almost the whole town was after him. Twilight managed to convince most of the ponies to look for him and to tell her when or IF they did. Rainbow dash had flew DIRECTLY over Zac a few times but because he was wearing his partly-camouflaged-outfit it made him VERY hard to spot in the treeline.
There it is; the library. All I have to do is stay out of sight and get to that portal.
Zac was mulling over his plan when he saw something that almost made him gasp.
ANOTHER human?? Oh no.. he will tell everyone about the ponies! and Twilight said that you couldn't close the portal! this is bad!
Jake quickly saw the ponies and backed back into the library Oh thank god. PLEASE stay there!
Now. How do I get from here to over there? it is impossible without sticking to high grass or some kind of heavy foliage. hmm.
Rainbow Dash flew over him again but landed Directly Infront of him.
Just don't move. Keep your head down.
Un-aware of Zac's presence, she walked over to where he was hiding.
"Hmm. Ah Hah!" she kicked a bush that was RIGHT next to him
Please don't see me. Please!
"Yeah I have you, come out." She said
Its a trap just don't move.
"Wow that always works with other ponies" She said.
Zac thought about his situation for a moment.
If I go home mum will never let me go out by myself ever again I bet. If I stay here I get to stay with nice ponies and a nice atmosphere.. Damn this is a hard choice.
He decided to wait until Rainbow Dash had left to decide.
"Well i guess he isn't here then" She said.
Rainbow Dash quickly flew off and Zac sat up.
That was a close one. I think I might stay here.
He stood up and walked towards the hill that he hid from Twilight before-hand.
Twilight decided to head back to the library to see if Zac had tried to escape through the portal.
She walked through the door.
Jake who was dumbstruck by seeing all the ponies outside decided to stay in the library and look for Zac inside.
The only thing he found was a purple mare walking towards him. "Um.. Hello?" Twilight said.
"Aah!" Jake was startled by the pony and ran behind a wall.
Im seriously tripping out.. I better hide.
"Im not going to hurt you.. Please don't be scared of me." Twilight persuaded
"Are you real?" Jake asked the stupid question.
"Uhh. Yes. I am real." Twilight responded.
"Okay then.. I. Um. Where is the other human?" Jake asked
"Oh, him.. He is hiding. I don't know why." Twilight answered.
"O-Okay then. I think I'll stay here.." Jake said, trying to figure out whether this was a dream, hallucination or if this was actually real and he was talking to a pony.
"Alright then. I'll look for him" Twilight said then left.
***********************
I'll hide in this cottage I think that. Oh who was it? Oh yeah. Fluttershy, I hope she doesn't mind.. It's just until I think this through
Zac ran to the building and looked behind him - Nobody was following.
That Damned Pegasus is out to get me.
He opened the door and looked inside.
Nobody was home.
He opened the door enough so he could fit through it and closed the door.
The small bungalow was cosy and smelled of fresh air. Ornaments on the shelves reminded him of his nan's house, how she liked to collect small wooden animals, like the ones on Fluttershy's shelves.
This is nice..
He approached the stairs. What is that tapping?
He decided to be brave and silently climbed the stairs.
"H-Hello? Anyone home?" Zac asked.
The tapping Abruptly stopped.
He walked into the first room - It was a bedroom
Well I guess Fluttershy likes simple things..
The bedroom wasn't decorated or fancy lined or anything. it was just a bed with a table next to it a alarm clock, mirror, more ornaments and a window. What Zac didn't notice however was the cupboard that housed not only clothes but a sneaky mare too.
As Zac walked into the second room - A bathroom he saw something on the shelf. It was another wooden rabbit.
She REALLY likes wooden rabbits..
He decided to head back down the stairs.
He was greeted by none other than MORE wooden rabbits.
Damn. I didn't notice them before..
He sat down on a sofa. Yawned, then closed his eyes.
Heh. As my granddad would say 'Im only checking my eyelids for holes' Heh.
He quickly fell asleep.
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Creepy rabbits 0o0o00o0o0
Nice. That was nice.
God dang it, Jake is a pussy, he's a rescurer for Christ sake! Man up! Use Old Spice!
49252 Problem?
Oh if anyone gets the reference in this chapter you get to choose what happens next (VIA PM)
The wooden rabbits are like the maniquens from nightmare house 2. That was the reference correct?
49271 Never played nightmare house 2 so no xD
PM me for it not in the comments please :3
@1st comment
@my pic
:3
Okay, first off. I'm going to be critical with my review. It is the only way to learn what went wrong, and how to fix it. I've been writing for a few years now (no MLP stories yet), and I remember my first critical review. It was harsh, but it taught me a lot. I'm very grateful for the man who did it, as I've grown a lot as a writer for it.
First thing, get some help with grammar. I lost count of all of the grammar mistakes. They ranged from not capitalizing "I" when referencing the first person, to capitalizing words that don't need to be, to dialogue grammar (and that's something a lot of people can't get right, so don't feel too bad. You're in good company making that error).
Second, I don't know what it's like in the UK, but in the US, a missing persons report can only be filed after the person has been missing for twenty-four hours. It seems really sudden that Zac's mom panics and files a missing persons report after what seems like a few hours of him being kidnapped by RD and Twilight. If it has been longer, make sure to mention that somewhere (like during the scene with the mother talking to the Police).
Third, Zac seems kinda Gery Stu. First he wakes up after being kidnapped and is worried that the person that kidnapped him fears him? I'm sorry but that doesn't make a lick of logical sense. If I were in his shoes, I'd be using that to get out of there (BTW: It's spelled Canine, K-9 referrers to a police dog, at least in the States). Second he makes nice with his kidnapper (in some cases a good idea, but only in certain extreme situations) and follows her around, without looking for a way to get back home... Again, not making a lot of sense. Third, he escapes from Twilight and Fluttershy and hides, and then turns around and thinks about staying with the very beings that want to experiment on him... Does Zac have problems with short term memory? It would be the only explanation for him suddenly wanting to stay despite everything that has happened...
Forth, overall this story is lacking in detail. All that I can see in my mind's eye is a white background with very basic looking characters (think stick figures) running around doing things. If you want to add length while not rushing through the plot, add detail about the environment. Describe the path, the other ponies, the buildings, the sky, anything and everything. The trick is to learn when there is too much detail, but that will come with experience.
Overall, this story has a lot of potential. It currently isn't living up to it, but it's there. Good luck with writing, and keep your head up. Just because I was fairly harsh with my criticism doesn't mean that you should stop writing, rather you should continue and learn from the critique.
49344 I'll be honest with you. Half of the things that you said (apart from detail) I never thought of. Google chrome usually corrects mistakes (it tried to correct Fluttershy to Butterscotch wtf?)
I have NO idea who or what Gery Stu is so correct me on that one. K-Nine was a shortened version of Canine (because C-Nine doesn't sound right) and yeah I agree with you on the police dog thing (Dr. Who has a dog called K-9 lul)
With the plot details, like Zac attempting to make friends with Twilight then hiding then wanting to stay he saw clips of the show beforehand whilst his sister was watching it so he knew they where sorta friendly but I'll go back and edit that sometime.
With the filing a missing person thing I have absolutely no clue what the time is, like I said im only 14, Law isn't my thing :L
I'll try to remember these things for the sequel :D (Yes there is going to be a sequel)
PS. (to Americans) Colour. Umad?
Contest is over. Reference was; -The rescue operator - formally known as Jake, entered his dark decent into,-
Amnesia: The dark decent.
go to my blog to my youtube page to see my demo playthrough
49531 for the P.S.
. that says it.
49579 :3
49531 Yeah, that's why I don't trust any browser's spelling/grammar checker. I just use a word processor's. It usually is more correct than a web browser's (but it still ain't perfect).
Gery Stu = a story character that doesn't seem to have a personality (Gery Stu = male version of a Mary Sue). We don't know anything about Zac. We pretty much only know that he exists and is willing to live in a world were they want to experiment on him instead of going back home to his family... Your reasoning is still somewhat flawed. That was a TV show, and this is "real life". Not everything in a TV show reflects what happens in real life. (Real life in the essence of what the fictional character is "living" through).
In writing a story, never use a shortened form of a word, with some exceptions. Example, if you're typing up a newspaper clipping that a character is reading, then go ahead. It's bad form, and sometimes you use the wrong form and it makes you look stupid (there were a few stories I've read where someone would use the wrong shortened form of a word
it actually is quite embarrassing).
The only reason I even know that is because I had heard it in passing, and in a few other areas. Never needed to fill one out myself, thankfully.
PS: As long as you spell it tire, we'll be fine
49621 'PS: As long as you spell it tire, we'll be fine'
Wut?
49664 Lol, tyre = tire, lol.
49621 The only reason i used K-Nine is if you say it it sounds like Canine so yh.
49672 Again, it's bad form when writing a story. I've seen people do it, but I've never seen it in any professional book or well done fic.
49668 still dont get it :S
49803 tyre = tire, colour = color.
You know what?
pawsru.org/pawsX/dis/src/132295101843.png
>:(
if i had to take a wild guess,the reference in this chapter is to Phineas & Ferb,whenever perry the platypus shows up again by the end of an episode and they go "oh,there you are perry!"
54207 Nope. Its the very first paragraph and relates to a horror/puzzle game