Chapter One: When A Mother First Sees Her Child...
The Story Of Derpy Hooves
Sparkler Shine MLP
Chapter One: When A Mother First Sees Her Child...
Hello! I'm Derpy Hooves! I'm a simple old pegasus mare from Ponyville, and I have some stories to tell! Right now isn't the best time for me, but enough the the sad and depressing things, even though part of my life is like that. But don't worry, I'll explain the situation I'm in right now later! There will be answers for you soon!
First, I've got more important matters to attend to...
I've had ups, downs, and tears of both joy laughter throughout my life. My life was basically upside-down! I was perfectly fine one moment, but then crushed the next! It was really hard for me, but I'm grateful for my life.
I've raised two wonderful daughters, my little muffins, I live in a great town, have amazing friends, and a husband that I love to death. Or... Loved till his death...
Nevermind that!
It's just that out of all the things I've gone through, this is one moment that keeps replaying in my head.
My birth.
The moment when my mom saw me for the first time...
It wasn't easy for her, and I don't blame her at all. I was a really weird-looking filly with my messed up eyes. But I didn't thinks he'd go that far and screaming her head off when she first saw me...
It didn't seem right for a mother to do that to their first child!
I want to tell the whole situation... But I'm warning you, it isn't the beginning to a happy fairytale!
Lavender Lilacs was a pretty light lavender unicorn with beautiful amber eyes. She had a pale-yellow mane and tail that was simply ruffled with layers, and a light pink hibiscus flower laid on her flank. Well... Most the time she looked like that beautiful image in your head.
After my birth, she was drained of color, and she had dark circles around her eyes. I know this because of the picture that was taken of the two of us an the hospital.
She's smiling in this picture, but I can tell that that smile is all fake...
It's all. Just. Fake...
"Congratulations, Ms. Lilacs!" The doctor said with a smile. "It's a filly!" He announced.
"Ohh, can I see her?"
It's funny, she begged to see me, but then left me when I was a filly.
The doctor nodded as he brought over the baby.
"Aww..." She cooed. "She's beautiful!"
She was on the verge of shedding tears! Can you believe that? Is every birth meant to be like that?
But I was a cute baby though. I had a really light grey coat, almost white as snow! It turned darker as I grew older. I never knew why. It seemed weird to me. Maybe I was meant to be depressed, but I had ponies there to support me. You could tell that I had a much darker shade of blond for my mane and tail. It was short and straight. Not as good-looking as my moms but I looked cute. I just wished my eyes were as amazing as the ones she had...
I just had to open my eyes at that moment, didn't?!
Well, that sure worked out great, wanna know?
"Ahh!" She screeched, looking away from me.
"Ma'am? What's the matter?" The doctor said as he came to her side. He saw me and took me out the room and quick as he could.
He was worried, and mom didn't know why. She actually thought that it was just her vision, but she was wrong. Mainly when it took forever for the doctor to get back. Well... For the nurse to come.
Mom was left there. Two hours. It took two hours until he came back. Well, the nurse. Not the doctor. She waited for two hours, not knowing what the hay she just witnessed. I feel bad for her, even though she did abandon me. She had to wait for me, confused, tired, worried sick.
But the worst part was when a nurse returned without me. Just fear resting in her eyes.
"W-Where's my baby?" Mom nervously asked. "W-Whats wrong with her?"
Worried, about me?! I kinda hate looking back at this moment. Mainly because she- Nevermind, I said it a lot. You know what I mean.
But the nurse only shook her head at my mom.
"Ma'am, your daughter was born is a rare disease. It's only been recored in history twice. There's no name for it, or no known cure. We haven't had a birth of a filly wight his cross-eyes disease in moons!" But that wasn't the end, no! The nurse only shakily continued. "S-She might have those cross-eyes for the rest of her life. I-I'm sorry. We're currently tr-trying t-to find out what's going on with her." The nurse flashed her a sympathetic smile. "You're released in two days. You'll get your filly back by then." She then turned and left.
She left!
She only gave my mom such little information! That didn't seem good.
But I think mom felt more bad about the entire thing because of her current situation.
She was only a 19 year old mare, and was having a filly. Dad left her when she told him that she was pregnant last year when she was 18.
I was an accident.
She didn't see me as an accident. She didn't get an abortion. She still gave birth to me. I'm actually thankful. I would've never had my life without her.
But... I can kinda see why she left me the way she did. She probably didn't want to do it, but she also may have not had a choice.
But enough about that. My mom's entire view on me changed that day.
Wanna know something?
I-I really don't blame her...
Please. Don't. Hate. Me. For. Writing. This.
I just felt like writing a story on Derpy. This is the first chapter. If you don't seem to like it, please let me know why. If you do like it, then thanks! Tips on how to improve my writing are appreciated. This is my first story after all!
(You may tell me to skip a line and indent for each paragraph, but I won't. My teacher got me in the habit of writing like this, and may books are actually written like this. I only skip a line when time goes by, or on other occasions. Just thought I'd give ya a heads up!
)
~Sparkler Shine
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I like it so far, but you could use an editor. Although you could probably pass off some of the errors as Derpy being Derpy.
7676840
Derpy is magic!
7676857
Yes, yes she is 
Nothing wrong with writing a Derpy story, but the way this chapter chooses to relay the emotional impact of a daughter growing up unloved due to a disability is weirdly hollow because these scenes here are all entirely in the past and 'solved' for Present Day Derpy. We're introduced to Derpy, an adult with two daughters, first. This puts distance between the character and any trauma she feels. And since there's distance between the character and her trauma, there's less sympathy from the reader.
You probably just wanted to tell the story of Derpy's childhood chronologically, but instead it cheapens the emotional impact.
But... with a little rewriting, you can basically keep all the words in the order you've written them, and turn the story into something much more sinister that affects Adult Derpy now.
Hear me out.
Derpy probably wouldn't remember her actual birth directly, but has probably been told about it by her family for years. (Hint, keep most of the 'flash back' stuff). Imagine that instead of Derpy directly telling her story to the audience, it's Derpy's mom fluffing her mane and proudly retelling the same story of how her embarrassment of a daughter ruined, positively Ruined! her life. Imagine Lilacs as the kind of older mare who loves an audience, who loves telling stories with flair, who loves loves Loves to recite gossip and bring other people low. Imagine Lilacs tells this story to Derpy, and has been telling this story to Derpy for years.
I say, keep much of what you have written and turn it into Lilacs' dialogue. Add some meek responses from Derpy (who is perhaps still a child). I especially like the "I really don't blame her..." lines from Derpy if you're going down this road.
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Alternatively, you could set the story entirely in the past and let the reader experience what Derpy is feeling as she feels it for the first time.
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Phrases that I really liked:
This last one for what it says about Derpy's emotional state- that she's so desperate for her mother's love and approval that Derpy can't paint her in a bad light.
7677115
I see what you mean. But Derpy is an old mare in this story. The present is in a bad current situation, I said that at the start of the story. It seems cheap but I used that to write this story then build onto the events leading to what she's doing now.
And I don't really think a mother would tell her own child that she was embarrassed about her birth. You'll see more. She slowly learnt that she was an accident, why her mother left her.
I see where adult Derpy having a birth flashback seems weird, I may rewire it a bit, then go the next chapter.
Thanks for your comment, have a good day!
welps i didn't read it yet its just I'm bored so THUMBS UP ALLLLLLLLL THE WWWWWAAAAAYYYYY