The action is too short and the formula too repetitive. Accidents are just one way to present this fetish, and with several standalone chapters it would have been nice if you'd explored other varieties of watersports, such as intentional public urination or urination as an erotic act. More description would also be good; don't just say after the fact that they enjoyed it or that they were embarrassed, describe how they felt during the act.
I apologize for the quality, this is my first time and I didn't want to give too much detail, both to avoid accusations of plagiarizing some of the descriptions in the other stories, and so the story wouldn't really stand out, except to those who wanted to see this with the ponies and couldn't find it anywhere else. Besides, I don't really know how to describe it in that much detail.
Though I suppose it is better that this is the only thing it's been criticized for.
If not for Rarity's comment, I'd revoke this submission right now. But since you actually want to see more detail and other types, I do have another chapter in mind, to use some different scenarios like the ones where they put themselves in that situation
7675559 You don't have to worry about accusations of plagiarism unless you actually copy/pasted entire paragraphs for description from other stories, and even then I highly doubt anyone would notice or care. Technically yes, there's always the chance that it's possible that you accidentally and coincidentally write something entirely that's in another story by chance, but that's not something that you actually have to worry about just because it's such a small chance of happening, and if it did happen it'd just be insignificant.
The dislikes the story has I think is half because of the fetish (There's always going to be people who dislike fetish stories) and because the story doesn't go very in-depth. The grammar and punctuation/capitalization is really good but everything happens really fast and there's no real description or elaboration on what's happening. I'm going to take an example from the first part of your Twilight and Rarity chapter.
Twilight Sparkle and Rarity were playing beach volleyball. Rarity had fashioned outfits for them; Twilight's was a dark blue shirt and skintight red shorts, and Rarity's was a light blue shirt and skintight pink shorts.
Taking a look at the first sentence "Twilight Sparkle and Rarity were playing beach volleyball." This is okay by itself, but it would be better if you elaborated more on what's going on. Why are they at the beach? Did Rarity invite Twilight over? What is the beach like? Is there anyone else around or is it just them? The descriptions of the clothes are okay for now
After about an hour of playing, Twilight had to pee badly. "I need to use the little fillies' room," she said, and she ran off.
This is when you time-skip too much-- so much has happened in literally only one sentence. "After about an hour of playing" What happens during this hour? It goes by too fast. There's no build-up-- it goes from Twilight playing volleyball to being on the verge of peeing in pretty much an instant. One of the best things you can do here for a story like this would be to describe Twilight's growing desperation to pee. She probably already has to go to the bathroom in the very beginning when they first start playing volleyball. Describing her growing desperation as the time goes by is what readers of this type of story are going to latch onto.
Another thing you're doing is your explicitly telling what's going on instead of showing it. You describe their desperation as things like "Twilight needed to pee really badly" Or "Twilight really needed to go" I think this kind of stuff is okay but not when it's by itself. One of the best things you can do here is describe how the desperation is affecting the character. I'm going to quickly re-write an excerpt from the chapter so hopefully you can get an idea of what I'm trying to say here
After about five minutes, the door opened, and a pony came out. Twilight really needed to go, so she ran right into the bathroom and closed the door. Rarity hoped Twilight wouldn't take long.
I'm going to re-write as:
Twilight felt stranded right outside the door, panting heavily and tapping her feet fiercely against the sandy ground. She hadn't realized just how badly she needed to go! She couldn't even keep still, occasionally crossing her legs and doubling over as she struggled to keep control over her over-filling bladder. When the door finally opened after what felt like an eternity later, she immediately pushed her way past the pony coming out, slamming the door closed and hastily sprinting towards the toilet.
You could of course describe something like this in much more detail-- the more detail the better-- but for now I'm going to point out the things that you can do to improve. I start out by describing the time while she's waiting for the door to open. Instead of just saying that the door opens five minutes later, I describe what Twilight is doing during this time. Instead of just saying that she needs to pee, I describe how her need to pee is affecting her-- it's affecting her by causing her to walk fiercely in place and cross/press her legs together in her attempts to hold it.
You'll definitely get better over-time and the more you write; when I look at some of the stuff I've written years ago it's pretty bad. For now though, if you're looking to improve, I think you should focus on describing/elaborating more and showing instead of telling.
Other than that though, I'm interested to see in what else you write
Oh. Do more. These are great
I can honestly say that most of the dislikes are because of the quality of this fic rather than the subject matter.
The action is too short and the formula too repetitive. Accidents are just one way to present this fetish, and with several standalone chapters it would have been nice if you'd explored other varieties of watersports, such as intentional public urination or urination as an erotic act. More description would also be good; don't just say after the fact that they enjoyed it or that they were embarrassed, describe how they felt during the act.
I apologize for the quality, this is my first time and I didn't want to give too much detail, both to avoid accusations of plagiarizing some of the descriptions in the other stories, and so the story wouldn't really stand out, except to those who wanted to see this with the ponies and couldn't find it anywhere else. Besides, I don't really know how to describe it in that much detail.
Though I suppose it is better that this is the only thing it's been criticized for.
If not for Rarity's comment, I'd revoke this submission right now. But since you actually want to see more detail and other types, I do have another chapter in mind, to use some different scenarios like the ones where they put themselves in that situation
7675559
You don't have to worry about accusations of plagiarism unless you actually copy/pasted entire paragraphs for description from other stories, and even then I highly doubt anyone would notice or care. Technically yes, there's always the chance that it's possible that you accidentally and coincidentally write something entirely that's in another story by chance, but that's not something that you actually have to worry about just because it's such a small chance of happening, and if it did happen it'd just be insignificant.
The dislikes the story has I think is half because of the fetish (There's always going to be people who dislike fetish stories) and because the story doesn't go very in-depth. The grammar and punctuation/capitalization is really good but everything happens really fast and there's no real description or elaboration on what's happening. I'm going to take an example from the first part of your Twilight and Rarity chapter.
Twilight Sparkle and Rarity were playing beach volleyball. Rarity had fashioned outfits for them; Twilight's was a dark blue shirt and skintight red shorts, and Rarity's was a light blue shirt and skintight pink shorts.
Taking a look at the first sentence "Twilight Sparkle and Rarity were playing beach volleyball." This is okay by itself, but it would be better if you elaborated more on what's going on. Why are they at the beach? Did Rarity invite Twilight over? What is the beach like? Is there anyone else around or is it just them? The descriptions of the clothes are okay for now
After about an hour of playing, Twilight had to pee badly. "I need to use the little fillies' room," she said, and she ran off.
This is when you time-skip too much-- so much has happened in literally only one sentence. "After about an hour of playing" What happens during this hour? It goes by too fast. There's no build-up-- it goes from Twilight playing volleyball to being on the verge of peeing in pretty much an instant. One of the best things you can do here for a story like this would be to describe Twilight's growing desperation to pee. She probably already has to go to the bathroom in the very beginning when they first start playing volleyball. Describing her growing desperation as the time goes by is what readers of this type of story are going to latch onto.
Another thing you're doing is your explicitly telling what's going on instead of showing it. You describe their desperation as things like "Twilight needed to pee really badly" Or "Twilight really needed to go" I think this kind of stuff is okay but not when it's by itself. One of the best things you can do here is describe how the desperation is affecting the character. I'm going to quickly re-write an excerpt from the chapter so hopefully you can get an idea of what I'm trying to say here
After about five minutes, the door opened, and a pony came out. Twilight really needed to go, so she ran right into the bathroom and closed the door. Rarity hoped Twilight wouldn't take long.
I'm going to re-write as:
Twilight felt stranded right outside the door, panting heavily and tapping her feet fiercely against the sandy ground. She hadn't realized just how badly she needed to go! She couldn't even keep still, occasionally crossing her legs and doubling over as she struggled to keep control over her over-filling bladder. When the door finally opened after what felt like an eternity later, she immediately pushed her way past the pony coming out, slamming the door closed and hastily sprinting towards the toilet.
You could of course describe something like this in much more detail-- the more detail the better-- but for now I'm going to point out the things that you can do to improve. I start out by describing the time while she's waiting for the door to open. Instead of just saying that the door opens five minutes later, I describe what Twilight is doing during this time. Instead of just saying that she needs to pee, I describe how her need to pee is affecting her-- it's affecting her by causing her to walk fiercely in place and cross/press her legs together in her attempts to hold it.
You'll definitely get better over-time and the more you write; when I look at some of the stuff I've written years ago it's pretty bad. For now though, if you're looking to improve, I think you should focus on describing/elaborating more and showing instead of telling.
Other than that though, I'm interested to see in what else you write