Criticism time! I read it a bit, and I've got some advice.
The crux of your story is when they pee, right? Or is it the suspense building up to it? I can't tell! As it's written you gloss over the main events. each chapter is so short I can't really get invested in the action. I'd recommend either a little more buildup, using the characters thouts, feelings, emotions to convey the information. How did Pinkie feel when she peed? What did she experience? See? Smell? Temperature? Texture? How it puddled on the ground, or ran down her legs. Or her immediate emotional response to peeing herself?
Try to think about how you describe the scene and what makes it exciting to you. It's more than "She peed herself". 30 seconds is a long time to experience something, use it! How many thoughts can you have in 30 seconds? I bet Pinkie can have more than me!
Anyways, this is a good first attempt at a clop fic for a niche fetish. Keep it up! I believe you can improve tremendously, and I don't think you should stop. Even if I'm personally not into water sports, somebody out there needs you. And who are you to deny them? ;p
You probably don't have many comments or votes because people aren't quite sure how to respond to a story like this. It's clearly a beginner story (Which is NOT a bad thing) and the fetish isn't that common. Don't let that dissuade you. I recommend keeping your beginner stories around so you can compare as you improve. Good luck!
Also, if you want to read my take on a watersports scene, check out CH. 4 of my Competent villains story. Just go ahead and skip that far in, the rest of it might be a little too dark for you based on these little stories. Do bear in mind that I wrote it a few years ago now...
Actually, the chapter is like 16k words, so here's the pee part as an excerpt just for you:
Dash snorted. Freaky changeling. She lifted her tail out of the way, and lowered the back half of her body partway down. "You're really going to do it, you dirty pegasus. Your really going to relieve yourself in a bucket, not only while I'm watching, but while I'm riding you? And you even asked! I didn't even tell you to ask for this one. You ponies are so strange..." Dash tried to ignore the changelings rambling, but on some level she realized the changeling was right. She had asked for this.
Dash took a deep breath, and relaxed. That pressure in her lower abdomen slowly began to move, and she felt the hot wet liquid come pouring out of her. She could feel the wave of relief wash over her as the pain went away. The changeling had wrapped it's hooves tightly around her and was pushing its body firmly into hers, pushing the warm and soft flesh of its underbelly all up Rainbows back. It started to gently rock back and forth. Rainbow blushed and kept the warm stream flowing out of her. The release did feel pretty good. She was surprised at how easy this actually was, how disturbingly natural it felt. Dash felt the changeling on her back grow warm, and she simply waited.
Dash waited for her bladder to finish emptying. She waited for the shame of what she was doing to catch up to her. She waited for the changeling to finish having fun on her again. She waited for a chance to escape, a chance to see her friends. She waited, and two of her hopes were realized as the changeling tightened it's grip on her and squeezed the last few drops of warm fluid out of her abdomen with its convulsion. She felt the changeling relax, it's breath slowing and letting its hooves fall freely and dangle at Dash's sides. The changeling slowly slid itself off her back. Dash tried to ignore the warm dribble that oozed around her tail, and into the valley beneath.
Not my fetish (I prefer scat, and I'm not afraid to admit it), but I liked it. If you are open to doing a scat story, I'd love one along the lines of this one. Maybe the ponies getting off to watching each other make some horse apples.
Criticism time! I read it a bit, and I've got some advice.
The crux of your story is when they pee, right? Or is it the suspense building up to it? I can't tell! As it's written you gloss over the main events. each chapter is so short I can't really get invested in the action. I'd recommend either a little more buildup, using the characters thouts, feelings, emotions to convey the information. How did Pinkie feel when she peed? What did she experience? See? Smell? Temperature? Texture? How it puddled on the ground, or ran down her legs. Or her immediate emotional response to peeing herself?
Try to think about how you describe the scene and what makes it exciting to you. It's more than "She peed herself". 30 seconds is a long time to experience something, use it! How many thoughts can you have in 30 seconds? I bet Pinkie can have more than me!
Anyways, this is a good first attempt at a clop fic for a niche fetish. Keep it up! I believe you can improve tremendously, and I don't think you should stop. Even if I'm personally not into water sports, somebody out there needs you. And who are you to deny them? ;p
You probably don't have many comments or votes because people aren't quite sure how to respond to a story like this. It's clearly a beginner story (Which is NOT a bad thing) and the fetish isn't that common. Don't let that dissuade you. I recommend keeping your beginner stories around so you can compare as you improve. Good luck!
Also, if you want to read my take on a watersports scene, check out CH. 4 of my Competent villains story. Just go ahead and skip that far in, the rest of it might be a little too dark for you based on these little stories. Do bear in mind that I wrote it a few years ago now...
Actually, the chapter is like 16k words, so here's the pee part as an excerpt just for you:
Dash snorted. Freaky changeling. She lifted her tail out of the way, and lowered the back half of her body partway down. "You're really going to do it, you dirty pegasus. Your really going to relieve yourself in a bucket, not only while I'm watching, but while I'm riding you? And you even asked! I didn't even tell you to ask for this one. You ponies are so strange..." Dash tried to ignore the changelings rambling, but on some level she realized the changeling was right. She had asked for this.
Dash took a deep breath, and relaxed. That pressure in her lower abdomen slowly began to move, and she felt the hot wet liquid come pouring out of her. She could feel the wave of relief wash over her as the pain went away. The changeling had wrapped it's hooves tightly around her and was pushing its body firmly into hers, pushing the warm and soft flesh of its underbelly all up Rainbows back. It started to gently rock back and forth. Rainbow blushed and kept the warm stream flowing out of her. The release did feel pretty good. She was surprised at how easy this actually was, how disturbingly natural it felt. Dash felt the changeling on her back grow warm, and she simply waited.
Dash waited for her bladder to finish emptying. She waited for the shame of what she was doing to catch up to her. She waited for the changeling to finish having fun on her again. She waited for a chance to escape, a chance to see her friends. She waited, and two of her hopes were realized as the changeling tightened it's grip on her and squeezed the last few drops of warm fluid out of her abdomen with its convulsion. She felt the changeling relax, it's breath slowing and letting its hooves fall freely and dangle at Dash's sides. The changeling slowly slid itself off her back. Dash tried to ignore the warm dribble that oozed around her tail, and into the valley beneath.
Not my fetish (I prefer scat, and I'm not afraid to admit it), but I liked it. If you are open to doing a scat story, I'd love one along the lines of this one. Maybe the ponies getting off to watching each other make some horse apples.