I love what you have done with developing the characters and the environment in this rewrite! One item: "There was a brief burst of sparking metal and then the stranger rolled away just as his shield finally caved in under Ardent’s bulk.
As the Knight pounded the floor with the force of a small bomb, the unicorn was up and aiming his laser rifle, which had skidded across the floor to him, retrieved with telekinesis. I lifted into the air to fire over Kyanite, but a precise shot sliced through several feathers of my right wing."
Is she flying over Ardent or Kyanite? I didn't think Kyanite was there. :)
The writing in this chapter is technically competent and at times even poetic with its word choice. Cheers to you and the editor for crafting and editing an impressive chapter together.
I enjoyed the pacing mostly, as the characters made their way into the depths of the Stable. There was enough information and dialogue spaced out to build up the tension toward the inevitable without making me wish the bullets would just start flying. The interactions and characters introduced were natural enough; the death of Vox had a sufficient impact from the protagonist's narration. And when the action kicked in, the pacing ramped up as it needed too. These aspects of the story show even more competent execution.
I felt that I came away knowing little about the protagonist. By the bottom of the chapter, I was still unsure what her personality was like, where her interests lay, and how she thought of her team. For this introduction to Quill, I feel like there could have been more to the narration to show me who she is—if more of her thoughts bled into the narration and lent it a distinct style, that might have done the trick. I am certain, though, I will get to learn all about her in the next chapter.
Aside from that, the moment when Quill gets confronted by the assailant and ordered to drop her firearm felt a little weird. She seemed to be taking in the situation a little too calmly and with a little too much reasoning.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing what your next chapter shapes up to be!
Changelings, zebras and others as well... Welp I think this is gonna be a good ride!
"Peering over the side of the airship, I watched as four massive, power-armored Knights dropped from the main deck, landing with muffled crashes amidst the marshy soil."
Having LARPed in a marsh at one time, yea I do not know why they did it there of all places, do I know how stuck you can get with a light load on your back, now take power armoured ponies and throw them out of an airship 50 yards up... They would properly make craters like meteors, and then be so stuck that they would have drowned in mud before they could come out of the holes that they have made... For some reason do I really love that inner picture, really encapsulates the Brotherhood and their way of thinking
So a few segments in and I can honestly say that I am lost. In media res works really well for a lot of stories, but when it is written does the introduction of 5-6 characters in a span of just as many "pages" loose readers as there are simply too much to take in at once, I know that it at least made me quite confused and that I gave up keeping heads and tails of the many characters. I would personally say that I would have enjoyed a prologue where we flew to the Stable and at least could have been introduced to the main character. I do not know if the Cid was a Final Fantasy reference, but if it was then think back on any Final Fantasy game that you have played, think about how your gaming experience would be if you skipped the intro cutscene and jumped right into the fray of the story and how lost you would have felt. FoE is a heavy setting, and there are a reason why almost all other stories have a prologue that eases new readers into their story, even if their first chapter is in media res.
"I rose in the air to glare at him through his dark, reflective visor. “Surely you realize this means war?” I growled playfully. The Paladin met my challenge. “Of course… and I wouldn’t change it for anything."
I see what you did there
A water ward... I do really not know why people haven't used wards in Fo:E stories before now, but as I have said many many times before in many many places do most Fo:E writers think too technical instead of magical... And fudge you, now I want to explore wards, setting up a city where they make them and have a defence built around it. Think about a city with a weapon ward, or a magical ward that powered itself and others with the magic from ponies... Yea I hate that I can't write a story to safe my life.
So seeing as our mysterious mystery unicorn of mystery can teleport himself... Why did he not "simply" teleport the grenade behind him instead of throwing that giant ass shield up that would be needed to protect against it? I mean move it or him away and you would, I guess, spend way less energy than what would be needed to make a shield. I know that rule of cool is a thing, but I do simply not know why people love their magical shields so much.
"The magic damping talisman built into the power armor managed to absorb most of the spell, though the kinetic energy still sent the Knight sliding back several yards."
So I am gonna science geek a bit out here and call Newton's third law of motion: "The third law states that all forces between two objects exist in equal magnitude and opposite direction" I know that in movies and games does bodies fly around when you hit them, but in reality should you fly just as much as the target that you hit, meaning that if mystery unicorn of mystery sends a power armoured knight sliding several yards would he be sliding as well. Now with that said could the movement be explained if the thermal energy of the blast was converted into kinetic energy that was used to move the knight, or if the "damping" talisman wasn't damping but spreading the energy throughout the whole armour instead of the point of impact. Don't get me wrong its a really cool and dramatic scene, but the science behind it is way way out the window.
All in all a pretty high action and dramatic start... but again, I would sure have loved if I knew the characters a bit more, I as a reader do not care if the characters die at this point as I have no connection with them what so ever, heck without going back could I not tell you how half of them looked, so a prologue that eases us into things would really do wonders.
Nitpicks: "and the Knights rushed inside" "Orange Kyanite called back to us" "I was the first one inside" you have a bit of contradiction here. "Even Kyanite, usually able to lighten the mood of a situation," any "racing directly at him" How can she race at him if he was just nibbling on her ear the moment before? " “...I know this seems like a waste of time, but-”" You forgot your space after your ellipse.
8812691 Hey, thank you! I seriously appreciate that you took the time to read and write up a critique.
So the immediacy of this opener is the result of rewrites based on feedback for my original first chapter; that version began on the airship and spent much more time establishing characters and the expedition's goal. Ultimately it was decided that, when revisiting the beginning, the finer details of characters who were either about to die or disappear for an extended amount of time was unnecessary and readers would infer the reason the Rangers were visiting the Stable through dialogue, indirect exposition, and what they've already learned via the original story.
In response I've received about fifty-fifty feedback for and against slimming down the opening. On one hand, there's no more lengthy exposition dump or time spent establishing the side characters who won't have any truly significant role in the plot. On the other, the time spent introducing who Quillwright or Orange Kyanite are ended up being trimmed down to minimal levels to be dispersed through the later chapters instead. I understand where you're coming from and your criticisms are certainly valid; choosing exactly where to begin and how much information to reveal via the narrator has been the hardest decision I've had to make in the story so far.
And on the point of the magic damping talisman, it is indeed designed to absorb the main focus of a blast like this and dissipate the rest across the armor's plates, in addition to preventing auras from directly grabbing armor. "Damping" was the best term I could find to describe it, since so far I haven't read any other stories that address why power armor can't just be instantly flattened like a tin can by a powerful magic user.
Reread this chapter today, and still enjoy it. You've done a good job of building an intriguing list of questions to propel the story forwards.
Who is the armored unicorn? Who are the other hostiles? What did this Stable produce? Are the teleporters ever going to go back online, and if so, what awaits at the other end? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Great work as always, and I wish you the best of luck with your future chapters!
I am rereading the story in preparation for the next installment of chapter 6... and I am so impressed at the way you have changed the flow of the story, from how the chapter was originally written; really getting into it, really making people feel for and embrace the main character Quill... I also love her and Kyanite's back and forth banter in the Overmare's office Keep up the amazing work!! I can't wait to see what happens to Quill and the rest of the crew in the new update!!
Unfortunately, being a Scribe also meant that I tended to hoard materials, and my saddlebags were absolutely packed with papers, books, magazines, writing utensils, and other supplies useful for my occupation. Items such as weapons found themselves buried somewhere near the bottom, and the pistol proved elusive.
It's better to be a hoarder then not carry anything
So it's always odd for me to comment on stories started years ago but this one's still ongoing and ideally I plan to catch up and hopefully leave a comment on each chapter.
Lovely narration. It's usually my biggest hurdle in enjoying fics but here it's good enough that I don't even mind the first-person POV.
Kinda longwinded and overly clinical though. Not unlike Danse from Fallout 4 really, so maybe it's Quillwright's 'voice,' but it did mean I didn't find much emotion in her until they were deep into the Stable.
It was nice to see her past all the clinical though! The scene with Kyanite was very nice. Speaking of emotions, so were the recordings from the overmares.
I admit that introducing a whole lot of characters immediately in a story whose description implies they'll either die or not matter before long didn't really help me pay attention to them.
I loved how they didn't see anything coming too. Online turrets that notice you but don't react? That means their job's not to prevent you from going in, but from leaving. Once you reached the totally-not-suspicious belly of the beast or bottom floor, for example...
Gotta admit I skipped most of the fighting, but that one's 100% on me. I very rarely focus on 'gun porn' (to tweak a Warhammer 40,000 term), to the point where I trim fights down to the absolute minimum to get things done in my own writing.
Of what I did read, I loved the part about Quillwright's hoarding habit, and the narration was as good as in the rest of the story. Also not unnecessarily descriptive, just to the point and tastefully gore (if there's even such a thing).
I've got a thing for pegasi, so I'm also glad she's one. Nice to see you putting some of the magic back into Fallout Equestria with the water wards too.
Didn't expect to get interested in a Steel Rangers fic, I only found this by chance, but I'm already pleasantly surprised. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters, thanks for writing and uploading this! And good luck with continuing it!
I love what you have done with developing the characters and the environment in this rewrite! One item: "There was a brief burst of sparking metal and then the stranger rolled away just as his shield finally caved in under Ardent’s bulk.
As the Knight pounded the floor with the force of a small bomb, the unicorn was up and aiming his laser rifle, which had skidded across the floor to him, retrieved with telekinesis. I lifted into the air to fire over Kyanite, but a precise shot sliced through several feathers of my right wing."
Is she flying over Ardent or Kyanite? I didn't think Kyanite was there. :)
8685852
The original chapter is bleeding through!! Argh!
Thanks for catching that
8685829
Only the first two chapters, and only about half of 2 is getting rewritten. 3-5 are virtually unaffected by these edits!
The writing in this chapter is technically competent and at times even poetic with its word choice. Cheers to you and the editor for crafting and editing an impressive chapter together.
I enjoyed the pacing mostly, as the characters made their way into the depths of the Stable. There was enough information and dialogue spaced out to build up the tension toward the inevitable without making me wish the bullets would just start flying. The interactions and characters introduced were natural enough; the death of Vox had a sufficient impact from the protagonist's narration. And when the action kicked in, the pacing ramped up as it needed too. These aspects of the story show even more competent execution.
I felt that I came away knowing little about the protagonist. By the bottom of the chapter, I was still unsure what her personality was like, where her interests lay, and how she thought of her team. For this introduction to Quill, I feel like there could have been more to the narration to show me who she is—if more of her thoughts bled into the narration and lent it a distinct style, that might have done the trick. I am certain, though, I will get to learn all about her in the next chapter.
Aside from that, the moment when Quill gets confronted by the assailant and ordered to drop her firearm felt a little weird. She seemed to be taking in the situation a little too calmly and with a little too much reasoning.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing what your next chapter shapes up to be!
Changelings, zebras and others as well... Welp I think this is gonna be a good ride!
Having LARPed in a marsh at one time, yea I do not know why they did it there of all places, do I know how stuck you can get with a light load on your back, now take power armoured ponies and throw them out of an airship 50 yards up... They would properly make craters like meteors, and then be so stuck that they would have drowned in mud before they could come out of the holes that they have made... For some reason do I really love that inner picture, really encapsulates the Brotherhood and their way of thinking
So a few segments in and I can honestly say that I am lost. In media res works really well for a lot of stories, but when it is written does the introduction of 5-6 characters in a span of just as many "pages" loose readers as there are simply too much to take in at once, I know that it at least made me quite confused and that I gave up keeping heads and tails of the many characters. I would personally say that I would have enjoyed a prologue where we flew to the Stable and at least could have been introduced to the main character. I do not know if the Cid was a Final Fantasy reference, but if it was then think back on any Final Fantasy game that you have played, think about how your gaming experience would be if you skipped the intro cutscene and jumped right into the fray of the story and how lost you would have felt. FoE is a heavy setting, and there are a reason why almost all other stories have a prologue that eases new readers into their story, even if their first chapter is in media res.
I see what you did there
A water ward... I do really not know why people haven't used wards in Fo:E stories before now, but as I have said many many times before in many many places do most Fo:E writers think too technical instead of magical... And fudge you, now I want to explore wards, setting up a city where they make them and have a defence built around it. Think about a city with a weapon ward, or a magical ward that powered itself and others with the magic from ponies... Yea I hate that I can't write a story to safe my life.
So seeing as our mysterious mystery unicorn of mystery can teleport himself... Why did he not "simply" teleport the grenade behind him instead of throwing that giant ass shield up that would be needed to protect against it? I mean move it or him away and you would, I guess, spend way less energy than what would be needed to make a shield. I know that rule of cool is a thing, but I do simply not know why people love their magical shields so much.
So I am gonna science geek a bit out here and call Newton's third law of motion: "The third law states that all forces between two objects exist in equal magnitude and opposite direction" I know that in movies and games does bodies fly around when you hit them, but in reality should you fly just as much as the target that you hit, meaning that if mystery unicorn of mystery sends a power armoured knight sliding several yards would he be sliding as well. Now with that said could the movement be explained if the thermal energy of the blast was converted into kinetic energy that was used to move the knight, or if the "damping" talisman wasn't damping but spreading the energy throughout the whole armour instead of the point of impact. Don't get me wrong its a really cool and dramatic scene, but the science behind it is way way out the window.
All in all a pretty high action and dramatic start... but again, I would sure have loved if I knew the characters a bit more, I as a reader do not care if the characters die at this point as I have no connection with them what so ever, heck without going back could I not tell you how half of them looked, so a prologue that eases us into things would really do wonders.
Nitpicks:
"and the Knights rushed inside" "Orange Kyanite called back to us" "I was the first one inside" you have a bit of contradiction here.
"Even Kyanite, usually able to lighten the mood of a situation," any
"racing directly at him" How can she race at him if he was just nibbling on her ear the moment before?
" “...I know this seems like a waste of time, but-”" You forgot your space after your ellipse.
8812691
Hey, thank you! I seriously appreciate that you took the time to read and write up a critique.
So the immediacy of this opener is the result of rewrites based on feedback for my original first chapter; that version began on the airship and spent much more time establishing characters and the expedition's goal. Ultimately it was decided that, when revisiting the beginning, the finer details of characters who were either about to die or disappear for an extended amount of time was unnecessary and readers would infer the reason the Rangers were visiting the Stable through dialogue, indirect exposition, and what they've already learned via the original story.
In response I've received about fifty-fifty feedback for and against slimming down the opening. On one hand, there's no more lengthy exposition dump or time spent establishing the side characters who won't have any truly significant role in the plot. On the other, the time spent introducing who Quillwright or Orange Kyanite are ended up being trimmed down to minimal levels to be dispersed through the later chapters instead. I understand where you're coming from and your criticisms are certainly valid; choosing exactly where to begin and how much information to reveal via the narrator has been the hardest decision I've had to make in the story so far.
And on the point of the magic damping talisman, it is indeed designed to absorb the main focus of a blast like this and dissipate the rest across the armor's plates, in addition to preventing auras from directly grabbing armor. "Damping" was the best term I could find to describe it, since so far I haven't read any other stories that address why power armor can't just be instantly flattened like a tin can by a powerful magic user.
Reread this chapter today, and still enjoy it. You've done a good job of building an intriguing list of questions to propel the story forwards.
Who is the armored unicorn?
Who are the other hostiles?
What did this Stable produce?
Are the teleporters ever going to go back online, and if so, what awaits at the other end?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Great work as always, and I wish you the best of luck with your future chapters!
I am rereading the story in preparation for the next installment of chapter 6... and I am so impressed at the way you have changed the flow of the story, from how the chapter was originally written; really getting into it, really making people feel for and embrace the main character Quill... I also love her and Kyanite's back and forth banter in the Overmare's office Keep up the amazing work!! I can't wait to see what happens to Quill and the rest of the crew in the new update!!
It's better to be a hoarder then not carry anything
So it's always odd for me to comment on stories started years ago but this one's still ongoing and ideally I plan to catch up and hopefully leave a comment on each chapter.
Lovely narration. It's usually my biggest hurdle in enjoying fics but here it's good enough that I don't even mind the first-person POV.
Kinda longwinded and overly clinical though. Not unlike Danse from Fallout 4 really, so maybe it's Quillwright's 'voice,' but it did mean I didn't find much emotion in her until they were deep into the Stable.
It was nice to see her past all the clinical though! The scene with Kyanite was very nice. Speaking of emotions, so were the recordings from the overmares.
I admit that introducing a whole lot of characters immediately in a story whose description implies they'll either die or not matter before long didn't really help me pay attention to them.
I loved how they didn't see anything coming too. Online turrets that notice you but don't react? That means their job's not to prevent you from going in, but from leaving. Once you reached the totally-not-suspicious belly of the beast or bottom floor, for example...
Gotta admit I skipped most of the fighting, but that one's 100% on me. I very rarely focus on 'gun porn' (to tweak a Warhammer 40,000 term), to the point where I trim fights down to the absolute minimum to get things done in my own writing.
Of what I did read, I loved the part about Quillwright's hoarding habit, and the narration was as good as in the rest of the story. Also not unnecessarily descriptive, just to the point and tastefully gore (if there's even such a thing).
I've got a thing for pegasi, so I'm also glad she's one. Nice to see you putting some of the magic back into Fallout Equestria with the water wards too.
Didn't expect to get interested in a Steel Rangers fic, I only found this by chance, but I'm already pleasantly surprised. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters, thanks for writing and uploading this! And good luck with continuing it!
He just had too drop the gun :P