Why do I have the feeling that Nathan lost to Ishrag? I didn't think Rarity was going to be the next one to score with Alex. I have a feeling this has something to do with the talk her and Rainbow had. If not, it seems like it came outta nowhere. If so, I hope Rainbow is next. I actually thought Celestia was going to be next? Oh well.
I think in the same chapter, Alex makes a trip to the the castle of the two sisters and finds Nightmare Moon, who is a better pony than what is thought. She really appreciates, and I mean really appreciates, Alex making the enormous effort to forget her threatening him and try to find common ground. That common ground just so happened to be his bed. (Long story short) Night bloom is the name she goes by so ponies don't freak the fuck out and she can live a semi-casual life.
My name is Alex Regent. Currently I'm 22 years old and about 6"3. I have dirty blonde hair that's in a fade style, so it's short-ish on top and slowly gets to a one as it goes down the sides and back and light stubble across my face. I'm wearing a plain, light-grey hoodie with black skinny jeans and a pair of white sneakers, though they're more grey from use. I have a younger brother who is 16 at the moment and turns 17 next month. I did have a younger sister, but she died when I was 13 and I don't really like to talk about it. My mom died when I was 6, giving birth to James (my brother), and dad took off with some bitch he wanted me to call mom, when I was 10.
Yes, you dirty slut, exposit all over me
"Right... So I can control elements and am supposed to save some world you created?" She did a slight nod of her head. I stood from my chair and started walking towards the exit and my freedom. "Lady, thank for the reading and direction and stuff, and I don't even know what shit you're on, but damn I want some." With that I left the tent without looking back.
This is a pretty good example of what I'm not fond of so far. The old lady nodded her head, but you didn't need to be so wordy about it. "She nodded" Would have been perfectly fine.
It's not like she was holding Alex prisoner, so the freedom bit was unnecessary, but my main problem is that you could have spilt the dialogue up to make it a little less jumbled. I had to reread the paragraph twice to get it right.
Using 'and' to join the sentence was incorrect and unnecessary, but lengthening your sentences shows promise. I just hope you'll be more careful about it in future chapters.
TL;DR: Spelling and grammatical errors here and there, wordiness, and incorrect usage of conjunctions. The story still works, but it's a little hard to read at times.
You've got promise, bud, and I hope to see you grow as a writer. Good luck and Happy Writing!
Wow. Okay, um. A lot of the things you pointed out is me just being dumb, but I'll try explain the reason for some. I do appreciate the feedback.
And just to start off, I've been contemplating re-doing the first chapter ever since I published it so I'm kind of doing a bad and ignoring a portion of what happened.
You've probably found out by now, but I completely disposed of the accents in the later chapters, it's too hard.
When Alex was introducing himself, he actually paused, then said he paused before pausing again. It's all part of the joke.
When Alex thought it was the old lady that sent him there, but also didn't think it was her, was because I felt it necessary for him to develop mild amnesia of the event so that if I did go back and re-write it, the majority of later content would still follow the lore of the first chapter.
So yeah, anything I didn't cover is me being dumb and too lazy to go fix it. It's what makes this story unique (I guess)
Why do I have the feeling that Nathan lost to Ishrag? I didn't think Rarity was going to be the next one to score with Alex. I have a feeling this has something to do with the talk her and Rainbow had. If not, it seems like it came outta nowhere. If so, I hope Rainbow is next. I actually thought Celestia was going to be next? Oh well.
I like it and i need another chapter by the end of the week :D or not
8102265
Whoops my inferior spelling ability I mentioned is showing!!
Yeah, so basically my editor was busy so I was left to edit myself... And kinda just skimmed through it.
Um, who was the first he had sex with? I'm lost since this story hasn't been updated for a while?
8111954
"A Different Kind of Nightmare" Night Bloom jumped Alex after he had a shower.
8111978
And who is Night Bloom?
8115665
I think in the same chapter, Alex makes a trip to the the castle of the two sisters and finds Nightmare Moon, who is a better pony than what is thought. She really appreciates, and I mean really appreciates, Alex making the enormous effort to forget her threatening him and try to find common ground. That common ground just so happened to be his bed. (Long story short) Night bloom is the name she goes by so ponies don't freak the fuck out and she can live a semi-casual life.
Yes, you dirty slut, exposit all over me
This is a pretty good example of what I'm not fond of so far. The old lady nodded her head, but you didn't need to be so wordy about it. "She nodded" Would have been perfectly fine.
It's not like she was holding Alex prisoner, so the freedom bit was unnecessary, but my main problem is that you could have spilt the dialogue up to make it a little less jumbled. I had to reread the paragraph twice to get it right.
Using 'and' to join the sentence was incorrect and unnecessary, but lengthening your sentences shows promise. I just hope you'll be more careful about it in future chapters.
TL;DR: Spelling and grammatical errors here and there, wordiness, and incorrect usage of conjunctions. The story still works, but it's a little hard to read at times.
You've got promise, bud, and I hope to see you grow as a writer. Good luck and Happy Writing!
8134378
Wow. Okay, um. A lot of the things you pointed out is me just being dumb, but I'll try explain the reason for some. I do appreciate the feedback.
And just to start off, I've been contemplating re-doing the first chapter ever since I published it so I'm kind of doing a bad and ignoring a portion of what happened.
You've probably found out by now, but I completely disposed of the accents in the later chapters, it's too hard.
When Alex was introducing himself, he actually paused, then said he paused before pausing again. It's all part of the joke.
When Alex thought it was the old lady that sent him there, but also didn't think it was her, was because I felt it necessary for him to develop mild amnesia of the event so that if I did go back and re-write it, the majority of later content would still follow the lore of the first chapter.
So yeah, anything I didn't cover is me being dumb and too lazy to go fix it. It's what makes this story unique (I guess)
8155612
Thanks... I guess?
Fucking Shite, I lost it right there