The Wrong Stuff

by DashEight

Take Off and Megaspell the Site From Orbit

"What are we gonna do, dudes!?" Soarin cried. He galloped from one end of the Flim Flam brothers' luxurious penthouse office to the other. "We are so screwed! Surprise is gonna hunt us down like dogs, man! Like buckin' dogs!!" He ran a forehoof roughly through his mane for the fourth time in a minute.

"Soarin's hyperventilating again," Lightning Streak observed to his sister. Soarin was indeed flushed, flicking spittle madly as he yelled and gasping for breath in between panicked ramblings. "Should I get the paper bag?"

"No," Misty held up a hoof. "I want to see where he's going with this."

Lightning and Rainbow pulled back at Misty Fly's direction, but Flam wasn't having it. "Get ahold of yourself, sir!" He grabbed Soarin by the shoulders and roughly shook the panicky stallion. "That mare is loose in my resort--"

"Our resort!" Flim pointed out helpfully from his hiding spot underneath the office's mahogany desk.

"--our resort with a weaponized flight suit? Do you have any idea what she could do with that device? We cannot afford to panic! We need to find her now! NOW!" He shook Soarin again as the rattled Wonderbolt showed no signs of calming down.

"Eeeh wheeeh eeeeeeh" Soarin wheezed. "We're all doomed! weeeh eeeh Game over man, game ov-oof!" His head snapped to the side as Flam smacked him across the cheek.

"Hey!" Fleetfoot grabbed Flam's hoof with a wing. "What do you think you're doing!?" She cried out, pushing Flam away from Soarin.

"Miss Fleetfoot, he is your leader! We need him to behave as such!"

"Just buckin' chill for a second," Fleetfoot spat. "Go hawk some diet pills or kitchen knives or whatever. Watch," she put a hoof on Soarin's shoulder and positioned herself to look her agitated partner in the eye. "Heyyy there, buddy," she said gently, smiling. She gave him a gentle squeeze with her fetlock. His breathing slowed, and his dilated pupils fixated on his friend. "Equestria to Soarin. You with me?"

"She mostly comes at night," Soarin whimpered faintly. "Mostly..."

"Buck it, I tried." Fleetfoot shrugged, then drew back her other hoof and let loose with a punch.

Soarin stumbled back, his eyes slowly spinning in opposite directions. "Pie..." he muttered faintly before collapsing to the office floor.

Fleetfoot nodded curtly to Flam. "See? That's how it's done. Your little love taps aren't gonna calm him down when he gets like this. He's a Wonderbolt, for Celestia's sake. Hit with the bottom of the hoof, you can more weight behind it and you don't risk a sprained fetlock." She trotted around Soarin's splayed-out form, offering him a wing. Soarin took it, and she pulled him back up on all fours. "You good, brobeans?"

"Ow. Yeah, I'm good. Thanks." Soarin frowned in contemplation as he worked his jaw, rubbing the sore spot where Fleetfoot had hoofpunched him. A moment later, he lit up with delight. "Guess which lucky pony's getting a visit from the Tooth Breezie tonight? This guy!"

"Yeah he is!" Fleetfoot chuckled. "Attaboy, Clip. Okay, so that problem's solved. Anypony up for cocktails? Lightning? Saw an Appleoosa hold-em table down there with your name on it!"

"I'd love to, Fleet." Lightning sprang up to follow her but found himself staring down the barrel of his sister's commanding gaze. "...right after we find Surprise and get back these guys' whatsit, of course." He nodded at the twin businesscolts giving him matching incredulous stares. "So, umm... Flim, Flam, can you guys comp us a credit line for later or something? Maybe a little quid pro quo, we'll give your casino the ol' Wonderbolts hooves-up?"

"How can you think of gambling at a time like this??" Flim sputtered. "Are... are you all insane?"

"Our CO likes to think so," Lightning conceded.

"Mister Streak, your squadmate is loose in the building with the most deadly war machine ever built!!"

"Not the most deadly," Lightning replied nonchalantly. "The Mk22 is way better."

"Lockhoof-Flimflam has conducted extensive research that shows the Thirty-Five is a superior machine in key performance areas!"

"Yeah, superior at wasting money."

"Guys!" Rainbow yelled. "As much as I hate to agree with the con colts--"

"Con artists, thank you very much!"

"--Con artists, but we're in big trouble here!"

"We are?" Misty asked. The rest of the Bolts gave her quizzical looks while Flim and Flam stared on incredulously.

"Well, yeah! Surprise could hurt a lot of ponies with that thing. You saw her note, she's gone all crazy and sinister and weirdly-familiar!"

"Yeah, but she won't," Misty stated matter-of-factly. "Surprise is overenthusiastic, not psychopathic. She may be hotheaded, but she wouldn't hurt civilians. Not intentionally, anyway." She frowned, scratching her chin.

"Wha... she dislocated my shoulder last week!" Rainbow cried angrily.

"Sure, but that was in training. Equestria depends on us to be the best of the best, and as the Bolts' physical fitness and hoof-to-hoof combat expert it's Surprise's job to make sure we're ready for anything."

"I had to go to the base hospital..."

"For what, an hour? Trot it off, Crash. You've fought dragons and changelings before. Don't tell me you're more scared of Surprise?"

"Yeah, I kinda am! Even if she's not trying to hurt anypony, she could trash this whole hotel with that suit!" Rainbow protested. Flim and Flam nodded in agreement.

Her squadmates stared at her for a second before they all burst out laughing. Soarin doubled over with mirth, while Fleetfoot and Lightning Streak shared a knowing glance as they giggled at the new filly's naivety. Even Misty chuckled a bit.

Neither Flim nor Flam looked amused.

"What!? What's so funny about that?" Dash cried.

"We're celebrities, new meat." Fleetfoot stated as she wiped a tear from her eye with a wing. "Trashing hotels is what we do. Trust me, the bump in business our visit brings will more than make up for any damage our sugared-up sis-bro causes." She turned to Flim and Flam. "Isn't that right, Tweedledee and Tweedledumb?"

"Why, I have never heard such an insulting proposition!" Flim snorted furiously, pacing across the polished wood floor. He pointed an accusing hoof at the Wonderbolts. "To have the nerve to even suggest something at a time like this! There is no possible way we could even begin to recoup from this catastrophe simply from your endorsement!"

"Ahem, brother?" Flam held up a calculator in his emerald magical aura. "That's not entirely accurate..."

* * * * *

The group piled out of the Golden Apple's elevator as the doors slid open and trotted towards the Defense Expo. The plan had been formulated and set into motion the last few minutes. The Flim Flam brothers, opportunistic entrepreneurs that they were, were off to spread the word about the word about the upcoming 'live demonstration' of the Lockhoof-Flimflam Mk35 Pegasuit. According to some quick bookkeeping by Flam, the revenue from crowds drawn by such an event could easily outstrip some remodeling and repair costs. Several floors of the hotel weren't even finished yet, any damage there would simply extend the work already being done by a week or so. The kicker was the suit. The prototype Mk35 was worth nearly a hundred million bits. There was no way they could offset that loss, if this scheme were to work it needed to be recovered intact. That's where the Wonderbolts came in.

With the makings of a plan laid out in front of them, Soarin, Fleetfoot, Misty, Lightning, and Rainbow all agreed to do their parts to bring Surprise back down to reality in one piece. Regardless of how benign they thought Surprise's intentions were, they all still remembered the oath they'd taken when they'd joined the EUP, to protect the Equestrian public from all threats, foreign and domestic. They especially remembered the consequences if Spitfire caught them shirking that duty.

They also remembered the cut of the extra profits promised to them by the Flim Flam brothers. After all, they hadn't become public servants to do charity work, had they?

Ponies from Lockhoof-Flimflam Aerospace were currently distracting Spitfire and Princess Luna with a number of lengthy presentations on their pegasuit program, all designed to keep the irritable monarch and captain otherwise occupied. Both were, in Fleetfoot's own words, 'total buckin' buzzkills' that would never go along with the scheme. The Flim Flam brothers had assured the Bolts that their ponies had a few hours' worth of mind-numbingly boring material to obfuscate any problems with the pegasuit, and that both Spitfire and the Princess would be tied up for quite some time.

"Ladies and gentlecolts, mares and stallions!" Flam's voice echoed throughout the Golden Apple's entertainment floor. "In conjunction with our partners, Lockhoof-Flimflam Aerospace and Appleoosa Oceanfront Realty, the Golden Apple is proud to bring you a live exhibition of the capabilities of your nation's finest, the Wonderbolts First Demonstration Squadron!" He gestured towards the entrance hall. The lights dimmed. Rock music blared to life through the speakers as two spotlights flared to life and swung towards the ornate golden doors. "Everypony, stamp your hooves on the floor for the bad girl of Prism Plateau... FLEETFOOT!"

The doors slammed open and Fleetfoot galloped into the room, the spotlights tracking her. She took wing, hopping gracefully into the air and landing next to Flim on the raised dias that once held the Mk. 35 suit. She trotted to a halt, striking a sultry pose.

"Next, a pony who needs no introduction, elected 'Most Popular Officer' by the EUP Prom Comittee five years' running, the Charmer of Cloudsdale, here's SOARIN!"

Soarin followed Fleetfoot, waving excitedly to his cheering fans. He gleefully trotted up to the raised platform, only tripping once. He rubbed his bruised muzzle as he took his place next to Fleetfoot, raising his hooves to rile up the crowd. Roses and ponies' undergarments rained down over the two. Fleetfoot blew kisses to the crowd, while Soarin pondered where exactly the wildly cheering groupies found undergarments to throw.

"Now, the Stupendous Sibling Stuntfliers! He's a smooth talker and she prefers to let her hooves do the speaking, MISTY FLY AND LIGHTNING STREAK!!"

Misty and Lightning's entrance was a bit more subdued than their officers. Lightning high-hoofed ponies while Misty scowled and glared. Her own fans didn't mind, they expected nothing less from the Iron Wing herself.

"And finally, the mare that's captured the nation's heart with her heroics and stunned us all with her amazing speed, First Demo's youngest member ever and the Element of Loyalty herself, RAINBOW DASH!!!"

Rainbow zoomed into the room, looping above the crowd and diving into a high-speed three-point landing, sending a tremor through the floor. The crowd went wild as the five Bolts bowed and waved. Flim tossed his microphone to Lightning Streak, who winked and stepped forward.

"That's right folks, and right now we need YOUR help for a little exhibition of good ol' fashioned martial talent! As you may have noticed, we're a pony short today. As of this moment, our colleague Staff Sergeant Surprise is preparing Lockhoof-Flimflam's newest state-of-the-art pegasuit for its first operational test. Surprise is a world-renowned fighter and we will be evaluating her to see how well this new pegasuit augments her abilities. Now we--" he motioned to his squadmates, "--are combat flyers of some renown ourselves." The assembled ponies chuckled. "But no flyer is better than their support system, and frankly, Surprise has given me enough bruises over a lifetime." More laughs.

Lightning tossed the mic to Flam with the flick of a wing. "Sergeant Streak is right," he told the crowd. "The Lockhoof-Flimflam Mk35 is the most advanced weapons platform in the world. Yes, I know it's my company so you can hardly take my word, but I'm so confident about our suit's abilities that I'm willing to put it to the test. Now, standing inside this very room are representatives from the foremost armaments dealers around the world. We are offering you an opportunity of sorts. A chance to market yourselves and your products, if you will. If you think you can arm these fine warriors with the equipment they need to disable my machine and safely capture Miss Surprise, then please step forward." Excited murmurs rippled throughout the crowd as several ponies moved closer to the stage. "And for the ponies here who don't happen to own a shock-spear factory, don't worry! We haven't forgotten about you! This demonstration will be broadcast live to these magical projector screens via the Golden Apple's security footage system, and Mister Streak and myself will be providing commentary for your entertainment! And of course, this is Pegasus..." he grinned, "so if you feel like putting some bits down on the outcome, all bets are now open."

* * * * *

Fleetfoot admired her reflection in the elevator's gilded door. "I know I don't say this often, but--"

"You say it all the time." Misty Fly sighed. "In fact, please don't say it."

Fleetfoot ignored her. "--But I look gooood." She peered over the rims of her new aviator sunglasses. Once solely the domain of certain ponies who held the rank of Captain, she'd acquired her own free of charge from one of the eager vendors. She stood bedecked with a bomber jacket with the fuzzy collar upturned and a wide-bore griffon scattergun slung across her haunches. She smiled like a foal on Hearth's Warming, a toothpick hanging from the corner of her mouth. "Damn good. The rest of you don't look too bad either. Nothing compared to me, of course, but still much better than those sweaty old jumpsuits."

"Thanks." Misty deadpanned. She adjusted her shock spear under her wing, making sure it wasn't hung up on her bandoleer. "That's just what I was concerned about, our new outfits. Not that Surprise is off her meds or anything like that."

"I dunno, I think we can take her pretty easy with all this new gear!" Rainbow said excitedly. She had aquired a set of slimline Guard armor cut to allow her plenty of freedom of movement for her wings. The helmet held a targeting lens in place over her right eye for the repeating magic blaster rigged to her flank, secured via an actuating arm that allowed her to easily wield the ungainly setup. "Look at this thing!" She swung the heavy weapon around, causing Misty and Fleetfoot to subtly step out of the way of its barrel. "Pew! Pew pew! Aww yeah, Surprise doesn't stand a chance!"

"Easy there, Crash." Misty admonished Rainbow. "Surprise may act like a diabetes-inducing ball of sunshine, but don't underestimate her. Why do you think she's named Surprise?"

"...She likes to throw surprise parties?" Rainbow guessed hesitantly.

Misty simply shook her head.

"Don't worry, squad!" Soarin piped up. His naive cheer broke the tension as the squad perked back up. "We'll find her! With teamwork, we can accomplish anything!"

Fleetfoot chuckled at she glanced back at her fellow officer. He really was a ditz sometimes, wasn't he? "That's a nice thought, Clip, but I think that--wait, where did you get a grenade launcher?"

"I don't know!"

Ding.

The doors slid open, revealing an empty, poorly-lit hallway. Bare plaster and plywood sheets lay everywhere, and exposed ductwork and wiring hung from the low ceiling. A few sawhorses and work benches lay abandoned, no signs of life aside from the fluttering of a few plastic tarps affixed over uninstalled windows. Red spray paint decorated the unfinished walls of the foyer. Scribbles of smiling suns and balloons that hadn't quite dried yet. It dribbled down the wall in many places, leaving crimson streaks along the foallike scrawlings. More graffiti down the hallways, from sticklike caricatures of ponies with too-wide grins to 'SMILE smile SMILE' written in four foot high block letters.

"Well, this doesn't look ominous at all..."

"Good evening, mares and gentlecolts! I'm Flim--"

"--and I'm Flam--"

"and we're here tonight to host the First Annual Golden Apple Ponyhunt Mayhem Bowl! Tonight's matchup, the Prism Plateau Wonderbolts vs. Surprise the Party Pony! Brought to you live from the beautifully furnished 40th floor of this very resort! As you can see, the entire floor is tastefully decorated in a decor I like to call 'Construction Site chic,' a style originally made popular by the skyscrapers of 950's era Manehattan and painfully recreated here by Flimflam Resorts for your enjoyment!"

"Wow, seeing it live makes it almost feel like I'm really in a half-finished building!"

"That's right brother, and one of these luxurious rooms could be yours for a price that's nearly a steal! Act now and we guarantee you a suite with a balcony!"

"It's like our mother always said Flim, any room can have a balcony view if you don't put in a wall! With us here in the skybox to provide commentary and keep all you lucky ponies out there updated on your bets is none other than Sergeant Lightning Streak!"

"Thanks Flim, Flam, it's great to be here!"

"Any thoughts on the match, Mister Streak? After all, you know these ponies better than anypony."

"It's gonna be a heck of a show, Flam. Leading the Wonderbolts tonight is 1st Lieutenant Soarin. Normally a second stringer, he's been bumped up to starter by team captain Spitfire's unexpected sidelining."

"Rough break, there. Any word if she'll be able to play at all?"

"Unknown at this point, Flim. Last I heard, she's been caught up in red tape and is hurting pretty badly."

* * * * *

"And so you see, based on third quarter expenditures and QA problems from the Neighropian contractors, the strator discs are experiencing thermal cracking after only a few hundred cycles. Now, restarting production of the substandard units in-house would give us control over the finished product, but would offset Phase Three testing by another two months, leading to an initial loss but allowing us to recoup--"

"Ughhh," Spitfire groaned, slumping in her chair. Imputed Income, Lockhoof-Flimflam's accountant for the Mk35 project, continued talking in a flat monotone as if he hadn't noticed. She nudged the pony seated next to her. "I can't believe how long this guy can drone on about pony-knows-what bullshit. Can you make him stop, or at least skip the boring stuff? Which is all of it?"

"Alas, the duties of a Princess are not all as glamorous as tales would have you believe, noble Spitfire," Luna replied. "Tis expected of us to tend to all aspects of governance, no matter how dull. Thus, we must persevere."

Spitfire pouted. Reasonable? Yes. But she was done with reasonable after the first ten spreadsheets.

"Now, the engineers have solved the exhaust ingestion issue by rerouting the intake ductwork behind the shoulder plates, and we expect to see the Block 30 redesign have a six point three percent thrust increase from the articulating nozzles by--"

"Can't we at least get the Guards to haul him off in chains after he's done?" Spitfire paused. "You know, so he doesn't inflict this torture on anypony else. Yeah. It's our duty to Equestria and all that."

"When I first returned from exile," the Princess replied wistfully, "I often banished nobles who displeased me to rot in the Canterlot dungeons."

"Sweet. I'm down for a little dungeon-tossing."

"Regretfully, we cannot. When I ruled a thousand years ago, such punishments were commonplace. But I can no longer act so brashly in these modern times."

"Why not? I won't stop ya, your Highness. Banish away!"

"You misunderstand. I cannot banish ponies to the dungeons any longer because my sister took away my key."

"Oh..."

"Yes. Fret not, brave warrior, for time is on our side. This pony holding us captive will eventually perish, as mortals do. Then, we shall have our freedom."

"Huh. You, ah, you know I won't live forever either, right?"

"...I admit that fact slipped my mind. My apologies."

"It's no trouble."

"If you would like, I can immortalize you in song should you fall during this battle for our sanity. You will be a legend to all ponies who trot in your hoofsteps until the sun's last setting."

"That's, ah, not necessary. Thanks, though."

"--And the thaumic capacitors overheating won't be an issue thanks to the new shunts, saving an expected aggregate of ten point three million for the production line, assuming that the EUP's tenative order remains--"

"Ugh."

Author's Note:

Good news everyone! I'm technically still alive!

Comments

[TitaniumTao]

This well end in tears and fire. All the fire. Either way Spitfire will kill them all for this no matter what.

[Oliver]

"Construction Site Chic" made me laugh out loud.

[Joybelle]

LookIng forward to the upcoming chaos

[homicidal doktor]

as long as soarin isn't drunk operating that grenade launcher they'll be mostly fine.

[DashEight]

7876700

The inner workings of Soarin's mind are a mystery to science and magic alike. I can't begin to guess how alcohol would alter his behavior.

That being said, nopony's trying to kill each other here, but Surprise is wearing what's essentially an Iron Man suit. Unless they can convince her to give up her life of crime and hit the blackjack tables, it won't be easy.

[RoyalBardofCanterlot]

7876700 Well now I just have to read this.