The Wrong Stuff

by DashEight

It's the Only Way To Be Sure

"Good evening everypony, and welcome back to the Golden Apple Ponyhunt! He's Flim--"

"--and he's Flam--"

"--and we're the Flim-Flam Brothers, sportscasters nonpareil at your service! For those of you just tuning in, with us tonight is Sergeant Lightning Streak of the Wonderbolts!"

"Thanks for having me, Flam."

"So Mister Streak, what can you tell our guests and viewers about the matchup tonight? I'm sure everypony in Las Pegasus is interested to hear about their favored horses' odds of winning!"

"Flim, tonight the game isn't about success, it's about survival. Two teams, one goal, only one can trot away victorious. On one side we have the lone wolf Surprise equipped with the most advanced combat gear money can buy. On the other, the rest of the Wonderbolts looking to take her down any way they can. They may have her outnumbered four-to-one, but let me tell you something Flim, numbers don't mean much when your opponent can tie a piece of rebar into a knot with her hooves."

"Interesting analysis, Mister Streak. Let's take a look at our competitors, shall we?"

Four ponies methodically made their way down the darkened, half-finished hotel penthouse. Each one carried a unique variety of weapons, armor, and equipment with them, appearing at first glance to be an experienced team of highly trained soldiers. As they moved on, a sharp eye might note that their movements were exaggerated and dramatic, and the 'kits' they wore were more stylish than practical, giving more of an impression that they were actors in an Applewood action flick. As they approached the floor's central foyer, the stallion in the lead signalled to his fellow ponies with a series of overly complicated hoofsignals.

The three mares behind him merely looked at each other and shrugged, each at a loss as to what Soarin was trying to tell them. Soarin grunted in frustration and began going through the motions again.

"Uhh... Clip, do you need something?" Fleetfoot asked, unwilling to sit through another guessing game. Soarin was terrible at charades.

"Flashlights! We should probably put our lights on, right?"

"Ooh, right!"

The hall ahead of them grew progressively dimmer, the portable floodlights the construction crews used were few and far between. Fleetfoot clicked on her scattergun's flashlight, aiming it down the hallway and squinting as the brilliant white beam cut into the darkness. Misty followed suit, while Rainbow merely tapped the eyepiece of her advanced rig with a self-satisfied smirk. Soarin yelped as the light duct-taped to the barrel of his grenade launcher shone directly into his face. He shook his head and blinked the light out of his eyes, then sheepishly flipped it around, awkwardly reapplying the torn tape and inspecting his jerry-rigged setup. "Okay ponies, let's move!"

"One sec, sir?" Misty replied tersely.

"What is it, Misty?"

"Somepony should cover our six. Surprise might try to... well... surprise us by smashing though a wall. It's her favorite way to get the jump on ponies."

"The fourth wall?"

"Any wall, ceiling, or floor, sir. You name it, she'll put a pegasus-shaped hole through it."

"Hmm..." Soarin pondered the idea, quickly glancing at Fleetfoot. His wingmare nodded vigorously through the shadows, the idea that Surprise could pop out from anywhere concerned her too. "Okay, Dizz. You take up the rear guard."

"On it, el-tee." The four ponies advanced down the hallway, hugging the walls and sweeping their torchlights to and fro. They saw no sign of anypony else except themselves in the barren half-finished floor. Nothing moved except for the plastic sheeting fluttering in the breeze. Unnerving graffiti marked every wall, from a mane-raising WONDERBOLTS COME OUT AND PLAY to stick figure caricatures of the team being struck by energy beams emanating from a pony in a metal suit.

It was enough to give the team pause. "Uh, what's with all the..." Rainbow trailed off worriedly.

"It's psychological warfare," Misty filled her in. "Basic military tactic. Surprise knows us, she knows how to get to us. Like when she picked out Appleoosa Chainsaw Massacre for movie night and, right at the scary part, jumped out of the closet with a hockey mask."

"I think it's kinda nice!" Soarin chimed in. "Look, she did drawings of all of us!" He pointed towards the stick figure version of himself, which had Xs for eyes and was surrounded by an unsettling amount of red scribbles.

"Riight..." Rainbow shuddered as the team moved on.

"And the Wonderbolts start off with an aggressive offense, moving deep into Surprise's turf with no sign of defenders at all."

"Quite the show, brother! Very impressive on the part of the Wonderbolts' leader, Soarin. Showing a command presence unexpected of an exhibition flyer. Our bookkeepers say he's a crowd favorite, and quite a few confident ponies even bet on him to be the one take Surprise down. Very much the likable pony, but we'll have to see if that translates to skill on the field. Thoughts, Lightning?"

"Well Flam, what we're seeing here is all very rehearsed. Practice and discipline are a Wonderbolt's greatest strengths. When we're flying in close formation at four-fifths the speed of sound, you need to be able to react instantly without thought. Our lives depend on it. We don't have any real-world experience with ground battles though, so we may soon be seeing a weakness in Soarin's full-court press. He's in the zone right now, but as soon as something sets him off-script, we may start to see him stumble."

"Hey Clip, come here and take a look at this." Fleetfoot stared at the hole in the floor in front of her. Soarin, Misty and Rainbow trotted over to take a look at the discovery.

Rainbow leaned over the edge, letting out a low whistle as she stared into the abyss. Something had melted a hole straight through the floor, the next one below theirs, and several more below that. As far as she could see, it kept going all the way down. Brittle concrete gave way to exposed rebar around the ragged edges of the pit.

"The hell did this?" Soarin asked the group. the hole were tinged with a sickly blood-orange hue.

"Let me see," Misty muttered tersely as she shoved her way to the front of the crowd, nearly knocking Soarin into the dark pit.

"Hey, watch it! I almost fell here!"

"You're a pegasus."

"...Right. I knew that."

Misty rolled her eyes as she aimed her shock spear's light at the hole. Unlike her squadmates, she had forgone flashy expensive weapons for a standard guardsmare's spear and armor. She swept the light up to the ceiling, where it illuminated an identical burn hole, bits of a viscous orange substance still clinging to the edges. Misty fluttered up to the damage, carefully scraping a bit of goo onto the tip of her spear. The goop let out an angry hiss as it greedily ate into the metal before her very eyes.

"Just as I thought..." she said to herself as she examined the mysterious substance as it corroded its way though polished steel.

"What is it? Acid? Dragon's blood??"

"Super acid?"

"Dragon's poop?"

"What!?" Misty grimaced in disgust. "No! Faustsakes, what's with you morons today?"

Fleetfoot shrugged. "Honestly? My heart just isn't in it. This is Las-buckin-Pegasus and we're playing hide and seek!? I just want to find Surprise so we can have some fun already..."

"Well, you're in luck." Misty shoved the melted speartip towards Fleetfoot's muzzle. "Smell that?"

"Eugh no!! Why!? Why wouldn't you just tell me??"

"Ugh, lieutenants." Misty rolled her eyes as she carefully unscrewed and swapped the ruined point for a spare. What in Tartarus were they even teaching at officers' school these days? "That's cake frosting, Fleet."

"Cake frosting!?!?" Fleetfoot, Soarin, and Rainbow all stared at Misty quizzically. "Cake frosting did that!?"

"Siracha cake frosting," Misty clarified. The others instinctively jumped back from the ledge. "It's Surprise. She's close, I can feel it."

"Right," Soarin nodded. They'd discovered a vital clue. Now was the time for leadership, for quick thinking and clear decisions in the face of danger. His ponies were counting on him! "I say we split up! We can cover more ground that way!"

Misty facehoofed.

"Ouch! First fumble of the night!"

"Correct, brother, and after such a promising first quarter too! It surely will be a rocky road to recovery for the Wonderbolts! Thoughts, Mister Streak?"

"Classic blunder there, Flim. It'll be a long, hard road back for Soarin if he wants to regain the advantage."

Twin beams of light swept across the upper level of the penthouse as Soarin and Misty made their way up the stairs. Construction equipment piled haphazardly around the room cast odd shadows as their flashlights travelled over them. Plywood. Two-by-fours. Sawhorses. Pluming fixtures for a half-installed hot tub. Nothing out of the ordinary. Soarin bounded up the steps and into the room, Misty covering him from the stairwell.

"Clear!"

Misty lowered her spear and trotted up to join him. "I don't like this, sir."

"I know what you mean," Soarin nodded in agreement. "I mean, a jacuzzi right here in the middle of everything, could they get any tackier? This isn't a ski lodge. Great view, though, love an open floor plan." He paused for a second to admire the Las Pegasus skyline out of the floor-to-ceiling windows.

"No, that's not what I... never mind."

"Right on. Okay, we gotta do these bedrooms one-by-one. If she's not in any of these, we'll fly up to give the roof a quick scan then rally with Flatfoot and Crash."

"Wilco. Lead the way, el-tee." Misty brought her spear back up and followed her empty-headed leader, wondering if the others were faring any better and kicking herself internally for forgetting to update her will before she left the Plateau.

* * * * *

Tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk

Rainbow pivoted through the doorway, levelling her magic blaster as she went. "Clear!" she shouted. Her eyepiece lit up the room in a wash of color, the low-light display showing no sources of heat or magical power in the room. Her motion tracker's metronomic 'all-clear' ticking told a similar tale. "Man, all this new stuff is awesome!"

"Heh, I know right?" Fleetfoot admired her reflection in an uninstalled windowpane resting against a support column. "What looks cooler, boomstick under the wing or slung over the haunches?" She asked Rainbow, modelling various poses with her scattergun.

"Hmm... under wing, for sure. Makes you look like a badflank. Still not as cool as this though," Rainbow struck her own action-flick heroine pose.

"You wish, newbie!"

"Puh-leese, just becasue you're jealous doesn't mean that--" *Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep* "The buck is that?"

"Dunno. Your radio, maybe? It's not mine."

*Beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep*

"Weird, I thought I--oh, shit!" Rainbow swore, finally noticing the 'bogey' blip on her motion tracker. "Contact! Over there!" Both Bolts dove behind piles of construction equipment, shakily leveling their weapons towards the unseen threat.

"How far is it, newbie?"

"Hang on," Rainbow squinted at the screen. "This buckin thing is--"

"CRASH!" Fleetfoot yelled, cutting Rainbow off. "Range, now!"

*Beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep*

"Uhh, fifteen meters and closing!"

"Dammit. Okay, get ready to light her up!"

"Buck, we're really gonna do this!? I mean, I know she's got on armor and all that but she's our friend! Sort of."

*Beep-beepbeep-beepbeep-beepbeep-beep*

"She's Surprise! Reality doesn't apply to her, so unless you want to spend all night chained up in her lair while she gives you a clown-makeup makeover, I'd get the lead out! Range?"

"Twelve meters!"

Fleetfoot squinted into the shadows, tightening her grip on her weapon.

"Ten meters! Eight!"

"...That can't be right, that's inside the buckin' room!"

"It's reading right, Fleet! Look! Five meters! Four!"

"Wait a second..." Fleetfoot swept her flashlight down towards the floor. There! Something let out a high-pitched squeal and darted across the floor!

"GAH! GET SOME, MOTHERBUCKER!" *CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

Rainbow let loose, sending a hailstorm of magic bolts at the intruder. She jerked her autoblaster wildly, the shots blowing chunks of wood and concrete into dusty pulp as she fired into the dark.

*CRACKCRACKCRACK* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" *CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

"Crash, what the hell!?" Fleetfoot yelled. Dash ignored her, squeezing her trigger as tightly as she could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" *CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

"DASH!"

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKclickclickclick* "AAAAAAAaaaaah... I... did I get her?"

"By 'her' you mean the unluckiest rat in Las Pegasus? No, you missed. Gave it a good scare is all."

"...A rat? No, I saw... way too big..."

"Brosefina, it was totally a rat. You ripped though your blaster's whole charge on a rat. It was a big rat, if that helps."

"I, uh, ok... I'm out of ammo."

"I wonder why."

"Yeah, yeah... do you have an extra crystal or not?"

"Mine uses shells." Fleetfoot tugged on her bandolier for emphasis.

"Ooh! Ooh! I have one!"

"Thanks Surprise." Dash held out a wing behind her and felt somepony hoof her a battery crystal. She quickly pried the burned out the old one from her blaster's articulating arm and popped the new one in place. The weapon gave her an affirmative ding as it energized. "Wait a second..."

Rainbow and Fleetfoot both turned to stare at the pegasus standing between them. She wore mottled gray armor, her flipped-up faceplate revealing bouncy blonde hair, bright purple eyes, and a foolish ear-to-ear grin. "Hi girls!"

"Oh, we are so fu--"

* * * * *

Thump.

Crack.

Wham.

Soarin and Misty listened intently to the muffled cacophony below them. They couldn't get a good look at what was going on, as the stairwell doubled back on itself. Neither showed any enthusiasim to trot downstairs and check.

"I mean, we don't know it's her." Soarin thought aloud, as much to himself as to Misty. "We're in a hotel, it could be some couple having sex, right?"

Thump. Thump.

Misty raised an eyebrow.

"Like, really loud sex."

CRASH!

The pair jumped as the floor behind them exploded. Bits of concrete peppered them as they dove for cover. Blinking their way through the dust and debris, they saw whatever had blown out the floor had been launched upwards with such velocity that it now lay partially embedded in the cieling. The smoke slowly cleared to reveal Fleetfoot entombed above their heads. She briefly struggled against her plaster prison before giving up. "Sup guys," she nodded weakly to Soarin and Misty.

"Fleet?"

"Ma'am!? Are you... how are you alive??"

Fleetfoot tried to shrug. A sharp pain quickly reminded her she was stuck in the ceiling. "Not gonna lie, that one hurt more than I thought it would. I, uh... think I'm gonna hang up here for a bit. Catch up with you later?"

"...sure, ma'am. Take all the time you need."

A high-pitched whine sounded from the floor below, growing into an earsplitting roar as a dark figure slowly rose up through the hole in the floor. The pony hovered over their heads, balancing herself with her wings while white-hot thruster jets along her shoulders and flank supported her weight. She wore a full suit of gray armor with glowing purple eyepieces, her faceplate otherwise unnaturally blank.

Soarin nudged Misty with a wing. "Never mind Dizz, you were right. It was her after all!"

"HIII EVERYPONY!" The harbinger of the end cried, her voice amplified by her suit's speakers. "You made it!! Soo, what do you think of the place? I'm kiiinda in the middle of redecorating, but it's starting to come together really well! That hot tub should be fun for later, eh? Eh?" Her left eyepiece clicked on and off repeatedly in a 'winking' pattern.

Hot, dry exhaust whipped around Misty. She leaned into the storm, shouting over the howl of Surprise's thrusters. "You don't have to do this, Surprise! We worked out a deal with Flim and Flam. Stand down now and we'll make sure Cap never finds out about this!"

"Yeah!" Soarin added. "And I know it's a work in progress but a hot tub right in the middle of the living room is, like, super tacky! You should put it out on the terrace, there's plenty of space and LP has nice weather year-round!"

"Yeah--wait, what?"

"What??" Surprise shouted, the hurt and anger audible even though the Mk35's speakers. She pointed a foreleg at Soarin.

*Scree-BOOM*

The concussion blast slammed into Soarin and catapulted him backwards, tumbling head over hooves. His grenade launcher clattered off into the darkness.

"Not cool, Soarin! You can't just insult somepony's hard work like that! I put a lot of time and effort making this place super awesome for all of us and this is the thanks I get?? Do you know how--oh wait, he's gone!" Soarin had indeed been blown clear of the room, a pony -shaped hole in some plywood at the far end indicated he was likely in one of the bedrooms.

"Oopsie!" Surprise giggled to herself and whirled around in midair only to find Misty gone as well. She playfully slapped her armored forehead with a hoof. "Silly me! I shouldn't monologue so much next time! There's a time and a place, and it's after I have the do-gooders at my mercy! Oh, I should write that down, it'll be good advice for Fleetfoot someday cause she definitely super wants to take over the squadron again and she'll want to monologue when she thinks she's defeated Cap for good cause let's face it, who doesn't want to brag about all their motives and evil plans sometimes? It's the best! Waitaminute... what was I doing again?" A quick glance around confirmed she'd gotten off track. "Ooooh Miiiisty, where'd you gooo?"

Her answer came immediately in the form of a blast of lightning.

"Yipe!" Surprise cried. Her thrusters hiccuped, causing her to wobble in midair. She quickly touched down on the floor as her heads-up display filled with caution messages. Another bolt arced towards her. Surprise swiftly dodged to the side and cut her jets. She landed with a roll and sprang to her feet as more bolts cackled through the air around her, gouging deep scars into the support columns and walls behind her. "Nice shot, Dizz!" Surprise called out into the darkness. She danced out of the way of an oncoming bolt, then aimed her hoof at the source of the lightning. "My turn!"

*Screee-fxztz*

Alarm bells rang in Surprise's ears. She frowned at that, confused. She'd been expecting a boom, not a fizzle. She raised the other hoof at the pile of plywood Misty hid behind.

*Screee-fxztz*

*Ding ding ding!* "Repulsor fault!"

"Aww, mudpies." Surprise muttered. She waggled her hoof to no avail. Misty leaned over her cover and took aim. A white-hot lightning bolt leapt towards Surprise, but she danced away from the blast as effortlessly as a ballerina. Misty cursed. She was fast. Faster than she had any right to be.

Misty cautiously prowled forward. She hated this. All she wanted was a nice, relaxing evening before Spitfire shoved her muzzle to the grindstone, but noooo, Surprise had to go off the deep end and force the rest of the team into this demented game of Ponyhunt. The worst part of it was the growing feeling of dread in her gut. Surprise was getting to her. Nothing ever got to her, not in over ten years of military service. Boot camp? The Academy? A breeze. Assignments to desolate, far-flung outposts? No big deal. Tirek the Destroyer's rampage last year? Been there, done that, got the medal. But now? She'd fought Surprise dozens of times. Nay, hundreds. Their roles as Academy fitness and combat instructors necessitated it. In fact, she usually relished a chance to square off against the Party Pony of Prism Plateau, unlike so many of her comrades. Misty's pragmatism and experience nicely complimented the younger mare's brute strength and unpredictability. She often emerged on even ground or occasionally victorious from their sparring.

This didn't feel like a training session or friendly roughhousing. Misty worried that this time Surprise had really gone off the deep end.

"Hey, did Flim and Flam give the gang a tech support number for their suit?"

Misty blinked at Surprise's out of the blue question. She gave it a moment of thought. "I think there's reset directions printed on the flank."

"Ooh, really? Thanks!" Surprise turned around, looking for the number. "Cause the repulsors are on the fritz and I tried turning them off and back on again but that didn't work so I--darnit! Hold still, flank!" She spun in circles trying to catch up to her own buttocks and find the instructions. "Misty, I can't see them! Are you sure they're on here? Misty?"

Surprise stopped chasing her tail and looked around. Misty was gone.

"Ooh, nice one, totally fooled me! But you can't hide foreeever!!" The metal skin of Surprise's suit glowed, shifting colors to match her surroundings.

"Stealth mode engaged."

"Two can play at this game!"

"An impressive feint on Misty Fly's part! Escaping certain dismemberment to live and fight another day!"

"Indeed, brother! Quite the disappointment from the crowd as well, Misty has beaten the spread! A lot of ponies thought she'd be out by now. Thoughts, Sergeant Str-- Sergeant Streak? Where are you going?"

"Sorry, boys. It's been fun but Misty needs me elsewhere. Twin-telepathy thing, you understand?"

"Ah yes, of course."

"Best of fortune, good sir. Do return swiftly, your insight has been most invaluable."

"Thanks, guys! Mares and gentlecolts, I have to go for now, but don't worry! I won't leave you hanging! Lightning Streak, out!"

*Crack* Fleetfoot's eyes shot open. She'd been rudely interrupted from her peaceful slumber by something that sounded a lot like cracking plaster. She attempted to look around to gain her bearings, but found she couldn't move her head. She briefly struggled and found the rest of her was also held in place by an unknown force.

"Psst! Fleet! Fleet, you up?"

She focused on the voice. To her surprise, Soarin was standing upside-down on the ceiling directly above her, looking down at her with concern written across his face. "Clip? How are you on the ceiling like that?"

"I'm not! You are! You got stuck when Surprise punched you up there, remember? And keep it down, she's still out there!"

"...Right. That hurt. How do I get down?"

"I'm working on that! I found this crowbar and--"

*crackcrumbleCRACK* The pressure around Fleetfoot suddenly released and she crashed down next to Soarin in a shower of plaster.

"Never mind!" Soarin chirped. Groaning, Fleetfoot rose up on all fours, shaking the plaster out of her coat as Soarin tossed her scattergun to her. she deftly caught the weapon and chambered a shell with one smooth motion. The two nodded to each other and made their way foward through the trashed site. They quickly picked up Surprise's trail of unnerving graffiti and smashed construction equipment and began retracing the psychotic party pony's path through the upper levels of the hotel.

It wasn't long before they heard something. Ears perking up, they silently made their way towards one of the penthouse bedrooms. The rustle of a pony wearing too much metal drifted from beyond the doorframe.

The two officers glanced at each other. Fleetfoot silently held up three feathers, to which Soarin nodded in agreement. The two tensed to barge into the room as Fleet began her countdown. Three... two... one... They bounded through, only to see--

"YAAAAAH! EAT LASER, YOU CRAZY JERK!!" *CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

The pair dove for cover as the construction site erupted into chaos once again. Bolts of mana scythed through the penthouse, plowing holes in walls and turning columns into scattered chunks of concrete. Strobing purple weapons fire lit up the floor as Fleetfoot and and Soarin tried to will themselves through the floor itself.

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

"Crash!"

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

"CRASH! IT'S US!"

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*-- "Wha?"

As the horrendous noise stopped, Soarin and Fleetfoot both peeked up from the floor where they had bravely cowered taken cover. Fleet spoke up first. "It's us, you idiot. Me and Soarin, you know, your bosses?"

Rainbow paled. "Ohmygosh I'm so sorry! I thought you were Surprise! I didn't mean to!!!"

Fleetfoot shook the plaster bits off her coat for the second time in half an hour, breathing deeply to get the trembling under control. She looked over to Soarin, who looked as blissfully unaware of his own mortality as ever. Fleet angrily turned back to a horrified Dash. "You need to check your Celestia-damned fire, newbie! You almost killed us both!"

"Y-yes, ma'am." Rainbow slumped, head low and ears pressed back.

Fleetfoot sighed. "Oh, relax already, Crash! It happens to everypony. If I had a bit for every time Soarin almost killed us on accident, or Cap and Misty almost killed us on purpose, I'd be rich." Rainbow nodded, brightening somewhat. "C'mon, let's mo--" She was suddenly silenced as Rainbow, eyes wide and tight-lipped, clamped her muzzle shut with a hoof. Rainbow put a feather over her own mouth to shush the group, than slowly lifted her hoof and silently pointed towards the motion tracker under her wing.

*Beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep*

All three ponies jumped like they'd been hit with lightning. They scrambled for cover as best they could in the darkened penthouse. Fleetfoot shakily aimed her scattergun in the general direction of the approaching dot. The light wavered around around the empty penthouse unil...

"There!" A sudden distortion in the shadows, like heat rising off desert sands. "FIRE!"

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*

*BOOM* *BOOM* *BOOM*

Rainbow and Fleetfoot opened up on the unseen threat. A storm of bolts tore through the site, scything after the shadow as it pinballed from one side of the floor to the other. It leaped to the ceiling and barreled towards where the Bolts hunkered down.

Soarin, for his part, armed himself as best he could with a nearby crowbar. He affixed the approaching terror with his best 'I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed' glare.

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKclickclickclickclick* "Hey, what the!?" Rainbow shook her blaster in frustration.

"Out again?" A teasing voice asked from above them. The group froze. They slowly looked up to the ceiling. The pony-shaped shadow shimmered and twisted and peeled away to reveal Surprise grinning down at them, armored hooves securely clamped in place to hold her upside down. For a moment that seemed endless. Nopony moved, nopony even breathed.

"BOO!" Surprise leaped down at the three. Soarin and Fleetfoot both jumped out of the way, but poor Rainbow was too weighed down by her high-tech weapon and equipment to escape the iron pony plummeting towards her. Surprise landed on Rainbow with a heavy crash, quickly pinning her to the floor and giggling incessantly all the while.

"Hehehe, gotcha!"

"AAAHH!! Let go! Letmeupletmeupletmeup!"

"Not till you say uncle! Hee hee!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"I'll save you, Rainbow!" Soarin sprang to his hooves and charged down Surprise, raising his crowbar above his head and swinging it down as hard as he could.

*Clanggg*

It bounced right off Surprise's helmet, reverberating in his forehoof. Surprise raised an eyebrow at him before spinning around and delivering a jet-assisted double buck to his side. For the second time that night, Soarin sailed across the floor and collapsed into a pile of quick-set concrete mix bags.

"Yeeeeah, not sure what he wanted to do there. Brave though! Aww, it'll be so romantic to tell that story at your wedding! Or it would've if it had worked, but still, c'mon, two lovers bravely laying down their lives for each other in the face of peril!? That's compelling story! Not like all those stories where it's just like boom! augh! smash! for no reason, like duuh we're not babies we want story and motivations not just mindless destruction!"

"We're not a thing! It was ONE! DANCE!"

*BOOM*

Surprise stumbled forward off Rainbow. She looked up to find herself staring down the barrel of Fleetfoot's scattergun. Smoke wisped off the barrel as she racked the pump. "Here's a story for you, Slowpoke. 'Nutbag loses it, friends give her the beatdown she deserves.' what do you think?"

*BOOM*

"Yowch!" Dozens of pellets bounced off Surprise's suit, but the force of the blast kicked her back a few steps.

"How about this one? 'Celebrity jerk ruins Las Pegasus vacation for everypony?'

*BOOM*

"Or maybe 'Wonderbolts party pony throws WORST! PARTY! EVER!'"

*BOOM*

Surprise stumbled back to the edge of the floor where a floor-to-ceiling window had yet to be installed, leaving only empty space and a fifty-story drop to street level. Her rear hoof slipped off the floor's edge and she teetered in the balance.

Fleetfoot's eye's narrowed."Party's over, Slowpoke!"

*BOOM*

Surprise tumbled over the edge. She beat her wings frantically, struggling to lift the weight of the Mk35 with only her own strength. Then, she fell.

Fleetfoot peered down towards the bright Las Pegasus strip below. "Good riddance," she said before turning her back. She dug a new toothpick out of her jacket and stuck it in her mouth before trotting over to Rainbow. "Ruined my buckin night..."

fweeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE

Rainbow and Fleet both turned just in time to see Surprise rise back into view, white-hot thruster jets once again holding her aloft.

"Oh, we are so boned..."

"Ouch! Will you look at that? Surprise turns the tables on Fleetfoot, snatching a last-minute victory from the jaws of defeat!"

"Correct you are, brother! Victory, and a painful pummeling by all appearances!"

"Indeed, that is some grotesque imagery out there! I would not want to be in the Wonderbolts' horseshoes! This is the most one-sided fight I've ever seen, simply describing what's happening cannot do it justice!"

"Is a wing even supposed to bend that way?"

"I don't know, but let me tell you something brother: I've never been happier to be a unicorn than I am right now. I'm not sure who has it worse, the Wonderbolts or the ponies who picked them in the over/under."

"At least the poor ponies who bet on them still have their health, brother! I daresay--Sergeant Streak?"

"Hey Flim, Flam! I'm back! Sorry about that!"

"Where did you go?"

"Last-minute delivery. What'd I miss?"

"See for yourself. The match will be over any second!"

"Oooh, that's rough! Poor Soarin, I don't know how he takes so many blows to the head like that! This is why nopony ever does PT with Surprise if they can avoid it. Don't count the Bolts out just yet though, Misty's still in play!"

"Yes, but look at how quickly Surprise had triumphed over the other three in mere minutes, what can Misty Fly possibly bring to the match that will change that?"

"You'll see, I wouldn't count her out just yet!"

On the roof of the Golden Apple, three bruised, bloody, and utterly beaten Wonderbolts lay captive, stuck to the exterior stairwell door in thick cocoons of cake frosting. The gooey stuff ooze and dripped around them, sucking them back in whenever they tried to struggle.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Surprise cackled evilly as she hovered in front of them. "And now that you know the full extent of my plan to claim Las Pegasus as my own, I'll have no choice but to dispose of you... FOREVER!"

"We don't." Fleetfoot replied flatly.

"That's right, and soon you'll be bwuh?"

"We. Don't. Know. Your plan! You stuck us to the wall thirty seconds ago and started cackling like a madpony! You haven't told us jack!"

"...Really? I swear there was a jump-cut in there somewhere..."

"Do you even listen to yourself sometimes??"

"Nevermind!" Surprise waved a hoof, dismissing the group's concerns. "This way, you won't be able to stop me when you inevitably escape at the zero hour!"

"You don't have to do this, Surprise!" Soarin shouted.

"I know that, duh!"

"No, you don't! We're your friends and--wait, what?" Everypony looked at each other, confused.

"What, did you think I really turned evil? I just wanted us to do something fun together!"

"...wait, what?"

"Whenever we get to visit a fun city, you guys always go off and do your own things!" The armored villain crossed her forelegs in a pouty huff. "Every time! We go someplace cool and fun and exciting and every time Lightning gambles and Misty goes to the bar and Fleetfoot sleeps with groupies! Or Soarin goes to the bar and Misty and Lightning gamble while Fleetfoot goes to the brothel! Or when we did that show in Taiponei and everypony went off on their own. Taiponei has hovering mountains with waterfalls coming off the side, girls! Was that worth missing out on just to go to a strip club?"

"In my defense," Fleetfoot cleared her throat uneasily. "It was a very classy strip club."

Surprise slowly sunk to the rooftop and touched down lightly, shutting off her jets. She sniffled and blinked away hot tears, her lip quivering lightly. I just want us to do something together," she said dejectedly. "As a family..."

Rainbow felt a pang of sympathy for her odd squadmate, as well as yet another feeling of familiarity she couldn't quite place. "Okay, I get that," she replied. "But was all of this really necessary? The stealing and the evilness and the fight which was totally a draw? Couldn't ya have just, y'know, asked?"

"Nopony ever listens! I always have all these super cool ideas about what we could do in a new town and everypony just ignores it!"

"Aw Slowpoke, we didn't know you felt like that!" Soarin reached out to put a comforting hoof on his friend's withers, but was stopped from doing so by the goo encasing him to the wall. "Nopony here wanted to freeze you out, honest! If it means that much to you, we can spend more time together on our off days!"

"Speak for yourself," Fleetfoot muttered. "My schedule's kind of full."

"Fleeet..."

"Fine..." Fleetfoot rolled her eyes. Soarin could be such a buzzkill sometimes. It was like having a conscience or something, ugh. "I'll head over to Candyflank's after this and get my deposit back."

Surprise's lip quivered again, now with joy as she positively seemed ready to burst with smiles. "Really?"

"Sure. Why not. I'm on the rewards program there anyway, no bee dee." Fleetfoot shrugged. "Sooo... gross sticky group hug?"

"Yaaaaaaayyy!!!" Surprise jumped onto the three, wrapping them in an armored, hydraulically-assisted bear hug. "You girls are the greatest! Friends! EVER!"

"Aww, we love you to, Surprsie!" Soarin returned the embrace warmly.

"Eh, whatever." Fleetfoot less so.

Rainbow had other concerns. "Ack! AIR! AIR!"

"This is so exciting!" Surprise released the three, hopping up and down excitedly. "What does everypony want to do later? A show? A nightclub!? We haven't done an outing like this in soooooo long!!"

"What about this?" Fleetfoot asked. "A lot of ponies put money down on this battle, they're not gonna like us just calling it quits. We gotta think of something."

No sooner than she'd spoken, several reverberating thumps shook the stairwell and surrounding roof. Just as everypony turned to see what it was, the door flew of its hinges with a terrific crash. A hulking quadraped figure stomped its way out of the stairwell, emerging from a cloud of sawdust.

Misty Fly sat in the cockpit of the bulky power loader, squaring off the boxlike yellow-and-black mech against Surprise's slim pegasuit. "SURPRISE!" She shouted through the machine's speakers. "STAND DOWN NOW OR I WILL PUT YOU DOWN!"

Fleetfoot gave her comrades an uneasy aside glance. "Ooor we could just watch let these two settle it with a rooftop robot rumble..."

Surprise's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "GASP! A Wingland-Hooftani Power Loader!? It's not even my birthday!!!!" She began to slowly trot towards Misty.

"Whoa Slowpoke, easy there..." Misty unconsciously shifted her mech backwards half a step. She had little idea what she stumbled into, but she didn't like the look in Surprise's eye. It was beyond madness.

"BANZAI!"

* * * * *

"Fillies and gentlecolts, after what was truly a fight for the ages, a spectacle so grand that anypony who missed it will surely be kicking themselves for years to come, I present to you the winner of the first Golden Apple Ponyhunt: Sergeant MISTYYY FLYYYY!!"

Flim and Flam stood on either side of Misty, raising their forehooves to showcase the victorious fighter. Misty, battered and exhausted, reared up in celebration. She wobbled drunkenly, allowing Flim and Flam to catch her in their magic and raise her up as the crowd went wild. The rest of the team stood off to the side of the stage in varying states of cheer, fatigue, and injury. Surprise jumped happily up and down, showing little wear from the fight. Her Mk35 sat on display center stage, considerably worse off than its pilot but still technically in one piece. Fleetfoot, Rainbow, and Soarin had been less than successful in removing the gooey frosting now caked into their coats, but their egos demanded they play it off as no big deal.

As Flim and Flam finished extolled the virtues of live-fire entertainment to the masses, the Bolts made their way off stage. Golden Apple security kept the throngs back so the team could find some time to relax after their ordeal. They slid into a circular booth table, where a waiter promptly appeared to take their drink orders. Misty slid next to Surprise, leaning over to the party mare and speaking in a hushed tone.

"Slowpoke... you put up a good fight. Congrats."

"Aww, thanks Dizz! I thought I had you when I tossed you off the roof! Nice landing!"

"Yeah, thanks." Misty grimaced at the memory. "Soarin explained the whole deal to me... I'm sorry about blowing you off all the time. I'm not the most social pony in Equestria. You're a good teammate, and you deserve better than that."

"Awwwww!" Surprise went in for a hug, but Misty stopped her.

"Maybe just... town it down just a little? Please? For me?"

"Sure thing, best friend!"

"Right..." Misty looked around uneasily. "You didn't happen to... throw the fight, did you?"

*crick* Surprise's head suddenly snapped to a thirty degree angle. Her ears twitched crazily. She had the same wide smile, but now it was wooden, forced. "Hahahaha why would you think that? You won fair and square!"

"Fifty-to-one odds against me. I'm good, but I'm not stupid. Even with that loader you had me completely outclassed."

"I sure I don't know what you're talking about!" That same wooden grin. Across the table, Lightning casually moved a casino voucher made out to WONDERBOLTS 1ST DEMO SQDN RETIREMENT FUND off the table out of sight. He'd distribute the rest of the team's cuts later, when they'd calmed down a bit. He and Surprise exchanged subtle nods.

"What was that nod!?" Misty demanded. "I'm right here, you idiots. I can see the both of you working something."

"Nope! We definitely didn't rig anything to win the squadron a ton of money!"

"...Forget it. The less I know, the less I'm complicit." The waiter had arrived with their drinks. Misty grabbed her gin and tonic. She took a sip, reflecting on the night's ridiculous events. As she replayed her memories of the search and battle, one thing struck her as odd. "...Soarin?"

Soarin looked up from his fruity, sugary, tiny-umbrella-adorned drink. "Yes'm?"

"What happened to that grenade launcher you took from the expo?"

* * * * *

A small brown colt in a propeller beanie ran excitedly to his mother and shook her foreleg. "Mom! Mom! Look what I found! Can I keep it!?"

"Hm?" His mother asked, too distracted by the Golden Apple's giant projection screens showcasing a knock-down drag-out battle between two pegasi in armored mechs taking place on the roof of the building to look and see what her son was talking about. "Sure, Button, go ahead. Just stay close to mommy, okay? No getting lost!"

"Sweet!" The colt jumped excitedly, examining his brand new grenade launcher. "This is just like in Call of Harmony!"

* * * * *

"I'm pretty sure I gave it back."

"That's a relief." Misty looked around the table. "Any loose ends we're missing here?"

Fleetfoot shook her head. "We're all present and accounted for, no major injuries, Flim and Flam got their suit back and held up their end of the deal. Nopony on the Longest Night gave any indication they knew what went down. Think we're all good, Sarge."

"Are you sure?"

"As far as I know. This night feels like it's dragged on for months."

"True. I know I'm not in charge here, but I think I speak for everypony when I suggest that maybe we just relax for the rest of the night?" A quick nod and smile to Surprise. "Relax together?"

"I'm cool with that," Rainbow replied.

"Sure!" Surprise practically vibrated in her seat. "A nice, low key night in? Soo exciting!!"

"You got it, sis," Lightning Streak nodded.

Fleetfoot glanced wistfully at a nearby group of young, handsome stallions. "I suppose I can take one for the team."

"Then it's settled!" Soarin sucked down the last of his sugary concoction through the crazy straw. "By the power vested in me by the Earth-Unicorn-Pegasus Guard, I now pronounce this squadron off the clock! Waiter! Another peach daiquiri, please!" He took his new glass in wing, raising it in a toast. "Everypony!" He shouted happily. "To the best squadron I've ever had the pleasure of working with!"

"Hear, hear!"

"And to our fearless leade--uh oh..."

* * * * *

"...and due to the delicate mana pathways in the hoof gauntlets, the repulsors are vunerable to high voltage surges, which will trip the breakers and render them inoperable until reset. This leaves the suit without its primary nonlethal offensive capability, so for the Block 40 upgrade we're planning on installing a set of secondary capacitors to--"

"ENOUGH!!" Princess Luna roared, suddenly waking Spitfire from either a very deep sleep or a mild coma. Imputed Income wisely backed away from the enraged deity until his flanks pressed against the wall. "THIS CHARADE WILL STAND NO LONGER!"

"But Your Majesty," Imputed Income began, "without a proper review, the new budget will--"

"SILENCE, PEON!" Imputed winced at he full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice. The concussive force of Luna's shouting shattered the office's windows. "I WILL NOT BE HELD CAPTIVE LIKE SOME CAGED BEAST! I AM YOUR SOVEREIGN, AND I DECREE THIS BUDGET MEETING OVER!"

"Princess!?" Spitfire stared at the furious monarch before her, so unlike the calm, patient alicorn she'd met just hours earlier. "With all due respect, what the hay? What happened to 'endure and persevere' and all that?"

"Do you not feel it, noble Spitfire? The call of adventure, of mortal combat coursing though your veins!? Somewhere in this very building, ponies are entering in GLADIATORIAL BATTLES! WITHOUT ME!! I did not live thousands of years to sit idle in red tape while others duel to the death!"

"Now that you mention it, I do feel something..." Spitfire furrowed her brow in concentration. "This feeling... calling to me... like my fliers are drinking without me!"

"YES!!" Luna cried. "You DO understand!!" She lit her horn, flooding the room with bright blue light. The spell subsided, revealing chains and a gag wrapped tightly around Imputed Income. "Come, brave warrior! We away to adventure, and glorious honor earned with blood and steel!"

"Um, sure." Spitfire hopped out of the way as Luna levitated the heavy conference table. She launched it at the wall, smashing a hole through the buildings exterior to the outside. "The, uh, the window was already open. You know, cause of the shouting..."

"AWAY!!!!"

Author's Note:

"Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."

-Steve Carell

Comments

[Dusk_Writer]

What just happened? O.o

[DashEight]

8095957

I banged my head on my laptop keyboard in frustration and this chapter happened.

[Quick Fix]

I knew there was a reason I liked Misty Fly, even if I half expected a kill steal from f%@#$*g Fleetfoot (yeah, I'm really stretching to keep this joke rolling now). Still, the Wonderbolts actually scammed their way to a new fortune managed to bond a little, I'd call that a major victory.

[DashEight]

8096013

Stretch it out all you want haha. I'll get her back in the spotlight sooner or later, wanted to give the rest of the team some screen time here. Misty, for example, is... not necessarily a good pony but she's more professional than the rest. She's probably done some time in the field before she became a celeb.

[Thought Prism]

YES. The shenanigans return!

"Fillies and gentlecolts, after what was truly a fight for the ages, a spectacle so grand that anypony who missed it will surely be kicking themselves for years to come, I present to you the winner of the first Golden Apple Ponyhunt: Sergeant MISTYYY FLYYYY!!"

Wow, screw you.

"As far as I know. This night feels like it's dragged on for months."

[DashEight]

8096472

You've located the exact moment where I ran out of gas.

[TitaniumTao]

How are the ponies alive? And isn't rigging bets illegal? Either way this made me smile.

[DashEight]

8109505

TitaniumTao I've always assumed pegasi are 90% springs and rubber by mass, what with the way they walk off catastrophic crashes. And yes, yes it is illegal. Lightning's a loose cannon who plays by his own rules, not what 'society' or 'the Neighvada Gaming Commission' dictate to him.

[Eroraf86]

LOL. Just LOL.