The Other Ponies
"Captain Spitfire?" General Stalwart Sentry spoke suddenly as he gazed out over the Canterlot sunset, as if he had been lost in thought and only suddenly realized the Wonderbolt's presence next to him.
"Yessir?" Spitfire snapped out of her own quiet contemplation and straightened up as she answered.
"You were present at my speech last month, correct? The one I gave to the ponies of Prism Plateau right after the changeling infiltration?"
"I was, sir." Spitfire replied, unsure of where the general was going with this.
"Tell me, what did you think of it?"
"I felt it was an appropriate call to action for a Guard that's become too comfortable in a peacetime role. Those ugly bugs infiltrated our home and kidnapped the Princesses we've sworn to protect right out from under our muzzles. It's our responsibility to protect the crown and the ponies under its rule, and let's face facts here, we failed miserably." Spitfire replied. "If you're concerned about how the ponies took it, sir, I think it had the desired effect on morale. You didn't blame them, instead you took full responsibility and challenged all of us to do better. They saw you as a leader and a comrade, sir, not a disciplinarian." Spitfire recalled the general's words to the assembled ponies of Equestria's largest military base. "I especially liked the part at the end, that last bit. 'As long as a single guardspony still draws breath, foreign tyrants would never again lay hoof on Equestrian soil!' Very inspiring! Lit a fire under their flanks for sure, sir."
"Thank you, Spitfire."
"I call 'em like I see 'em, sir."
The two settled back on their haunches, taking in the view of Canterlot beyond the obsidian bars of their cell. The Storm King's minions shuffled back and forth across the square, rounding up ponies at spearpoint and herding them into cages. More burly apes stood watch over those captured. Spitfire and her officers were in town to perform a flyover of the city's inaugural Friendship Festival, and most of the EUP Command and Ministry of Defense staff had taken a half day to join the festivities and see Songbird Serenade. It was General Sentry's way of thanking them for all their hard work since Queen Chrysalis's latest invasion; two of the Navy's three flyer carrier groups were fully mobilized, supporting the Guard legions scouring the badlands for Queen Chrysalis. The Hearts and Hooves and her escorts were set to join in a week's time once she'd finished her shakedown cruise, an unprecedented mobilization of Equestria's armed forces and proof that the ponies of the EUP were determined not to be caught flat-hoofed again.
An unprecedented effort which proved to be entirely pointless when the Eye of the Storm sailed straight across the nation from a different direction and parked directly on top of the now-defenseless cliffside city. Smoke plumes rose from several fires burning near where Tempest Shadow's war dirigible had quite literally crashed the party.
Spitfire regarded the chaos with an air of futility about her. After a moment, she withdrew a flask from beneath her wing, unscrewed the top, and took a long pull.
The general spoke up again. "That being said, this really isn't what I had in mind."
"Didn't think it was, sir." Spitfire offered Sentry her flask. The general hoofed the dented metal container and cautiously raised it to his mouth.
Spitfire barely hid a smile as he gagged and sputtered, nearly spitting out the potent spirits. "W-what is this? Rocket fuel??"
"Close to it, sir, chemically speaking. It's Wild Pegasus whiskey. Good stuff, the distillery is owned by the same ponies who make the cleaning solvents for our weapons."
"That is not encouraging." General Sentry took another long, slow draw, keeping the drink down albiet with a pained expression. Finished, he hoofed the flask back to Spitfire.
"Thank you, sir." Spitfire stole one last sip for herself before tucking it away. She glanced around the cage furtively, making sure that no storm creatures were within earshot. "Any chance of the fleet returning to rescue us?"
"It's always possible," General Sentry replied. "My staff sent out a distress call before we were captured. Summer Sun and Longest Night's battlegroups are over a week's flight from Canterlot, but if Admiral Cut got our message she could be here with the Hearts and Hooves within the day. Radiant Cut is a tactical genius, best the Crystal Empire has to offer. Besides, don't you have ponies aboard her ship?"
"I do..." Spitfire hesitated. "I only brought the PR big names for this show, the rest of the squadron is training the latest crop of cadets on shipboard ops."
"Wonderful news!" Sentry exclaimed. "With Equestria's greatest flyers at her command and the element of surprise, Admiral Cut should be more than a match for the Storm King's army! We'll be free before you know it!" He paused momentarily. "Unless I completely missed something..."
Earlier, aboard the RCES Hearts and Hooves...
"Action stations! Action stations!" The shipwide PA blared loudly enough to be heard over the incessant bark of klaxon alarms. "Set condition one throughout the ship!"
On the bridge, chaos reigned as crystal ponies scrambled from station to station, trying desperately to stay on top of the crisis while at the same time pulling parachutes from the lockers and suiting up for the worst. Admiral Radiant Cut stood in front of the skipper's chair and glared at the source of her problems, her rage only outdone by her incredulity that such insanity was even physically possible.
"What!?" Surprise fidgeted nervously across from the livid admiral. It wasn't her fault! "How was I supposed to KNOW that partytechnics weren't allowed on board? There should've been a sign!"
"Fire suppression teams to Reactor Two!"
The admiral glared wordlessly.
"Fiiiine, I'll go help clean up!" Surprise sighed. The injustice that party ponies had to face in this world sometimes!
Behind her, Misty Fly quietly passed a small bag of bits to her brother. She rolled her eyes in disgust as Lightning happily counted the coins. Panicked bridge crew shouted out reports from the damage control teams, adding to the confusing din. All the while, a teletype in the corner of the bridge churned out a high-priority message from Canterlot, going completely unnoticed amid the pandemonium.
"...or maaaybe we shouldn't sit around on our plots hoping for outside intervention," Spitfire suggested.
“Yes, perhaps not.” The two stared at the sky, where the sun and moon danced and twirled erratically, rising and setting over and over. “I hate when they do that.”
"Hey, where's everypony going?"
They both looked around. The Storm King's guards had abandoned their post and were bolting toward some sort of commotion in the direction of the city gates. Spitfire turned to General Sentry and shrugged.
"Psst! Cap! Over here!"
The two pegasi both turned towards the whisper coming from a nearby shrub. They both jumped in surprise as three heads suddenly poked out of the bush. Seeing the coast was clear, Soarin, Fleetfoot, and a Royal Guard officer Spitfire recognized as Captain Red Shirt clambered out of their hiding spot.
"It's us, Cap!" Soarin cried happily. "Don't worry Your Generalness, we'll have you outta there in a split second! Rojo-bro, do your thing!"
"Roger that, S-dog!" Red Shirt leapt forward and spun around, stretching out his hindlegs. "Sir, ma'am, you might want to take a step back!"
"No, wait!" Spitfire cried as the earth pony reared back for a thunderous double-buck. "Don't--"
*CLANGGGGGGGGGGG*
The sound of hooves hitting bars and bouncing off reverberated through their skulls. Spitfire cringed as the general looked on, astounded.
Red Shirt's eyes crossed. "Ow, bro," he muttered weakly as he swayed on the spot. "My glutes..."
He toppled over, unconscious. Soarin cried out and rushed to his side.
"No! Stay with me, dude!"
"He'll be fine, you dummy," Fleetfoot rolled her eyes. "What I'm sure Cap was trying to say, if you two would've listened, is that obsidian blocks all magic, INCLUDING EARTH PONY MAGIC!"
"That was unfortunate," General Sentry paused. "Though somehow not entirely unexpected. Now how do we get out of here?"
"I could try this," Fleetfoot dangled a large black key from her pinion feather. "It's how we got out. Had I known these two were going to do something so stupid, I would've reminded them." She reconsidered her statement for a moment. "Actually, no, I wouldn't have. Totally worth it." She gingerly stepped over a groaning Red Shirt and unlocked her captain's cage.
"Thank you, Lieutenant," Stalwart said gratefully as he and Spitfire exited their prison. "You've done the uniform proud. How did you ever get a key from our captors?"
Fleetfoot grinned evilly. "Trust me, sir, I have my ways..."
Spitfire snorted. "Seduced a storm guard?"
"Totally nailed a storm guard." Her grin widened, making her resemble a Cheshire cat. "One more species to cross off the list!"
"Oh! I see, um, well..." Sentry stammered, "...good work thinking outside the box, trooper. Hurry! I don't know where our captors have gone, but we have a window of opportunity we can't afford to waste! Everypony, to the castle armory!" He spread his wings and took off down the boulevard towards Canterlot Castle. The Wonderbolts followed closely behind, while Red Shirt wisely elected he would be of best service to the uprising from his current position, curled up into a ball on the cobblestone street.
Meanwhile...
Storm guards scattered like bowling pins just inside the Canterlot city gates as the street exploded into an whirlwind of violence and cake frosting. Swashbuckling harpies, pastel ponies, and a lanky cat creature leapt upon their foes, driving back the burly brutes as a bubbly hippogriff pecked at them from above. The Storm King's soldiers fell back, overwhelmed, leaving the ponies a window to bolt for the castle.
Except for one. Fluttershy sat next to a bawling storm creature, patting the blubbering gorilla on the back as it growled out its story between sobs.
"It's okay," she reassured the monster. "Just because she doesn't want to see you again doesn't make you any less of a pony! Er, big scary monster person! There there, let it all out!"
"FLUTTERSHY!"
"Ooh! Sorry, our time is up!" Fluttershy leapt after her friends. "Bye-bye!"
As wind and lightning howled outside of Canterlot Castle, General Sentry and Spitfire gathered the dozen ponies they'd managed to rescue in the main entrance hall. Most were Guards stationed at the castle or on Princess Cadance's traveling detail, including one Spitfire had thought looked suspiciously like a younger version of her cellmate.
"Flash?" The general exclaimed in shock
"Dad!?” Flash Sentry dropped the hoofful of armor and spears he'd liberated from the armory.
“What... what are you doing here? I thought you’d been assigned to the Crystal Empire?”
“I’m, uh, I’m on Princess Cadance’s security detail. We were in town for the festival.”
“Oh... congratulations! That’s quite the posting, son. How’s it going?”
“Well, that Tempest Shadow unicorn turned her into stone, sooo...”
“Oh, yes, yes of course...”
“Uh, Dad?” Flash nervously ran a hoof through his helmet plume. “Maybe we could play catch-up later? There’s an insurgency to insurgencize or whatever.”
"Oh, right! Ahem," Stalwart reluctantly turned to address the group. "That should be enough arms and armor for everypony. Now, we have surprise and momentum on our side, but make no mistake, these storm creatures are stronger than any foe we've ever faced before. Our only hope is to..." he trailed off as he looked up to the landing above them. Everypony turned to follow his line of sight, and as they did, one by one, their mouths dropped.
Soarin stood upon the landing, bedecked entirely in black feaux leather and metal studs from head to tail. There were holes for his eyes and wings, as well as in other strategic locations. A leash trailed from a collar around his neck, the other end tuck neatly under Fleetfoot's wing. She wore black lace and a highly suggestive saddle and held a dark whip under her other wing.
"Mmf Mmph!" Soarin cried out.
Nopony moved. They couldn't. All they could do was stare.
Soarin reached up to his black mask and undid the zipper over his muzzle. "There, much better! You guys would not believe all the cool combat gear Princess Cadance has in her guest room!"
General Sentry stole a glance at Flash.
"Don't look at me," Flash hissed back at his father. "There's a good reason I stand post outside her chambers..."
"Uh, Clip?" Spitfire queried, unsure exactly what she was seeing. "You know that's not combat gear, right?"
"Sorry Cap, he got so excited and I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise," Fleetfoot chuckled. "The Princess must've had one awesome night planned with her husband."
"Shining Armor?" General Sentry snapped out of it. "Did you find him? We need all the fighters we can get!"
Spitfire shook her head. "He's out on maneuvers. Was supposed to return tonight, but with the way things are going..."
Back aboard the Hearts and Hooves...
Among the deafening din of far too many types of alarms to count, if a pony strained their ears, they could just barely make out a curious noise from behind the #2 Thaumic Reactor Access Hatch...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
A curious noise that, if one thought about it, sounded a lot like a little filly screaming...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
The hatch burst open with a billow of smoke as a blue and white blur of a stallion with flames licking from his mane galloped full tilt down the corridor.
"I said I was sorry!" the voice of a pouting party pegasus echoed down the corridor after him.
Prince-Captain Shining Armor bolted down the airship's central corridor until he'd reached the hangar bay, where Misty Fly and Lightning Streak were waiting with an emergency raincloud. They hopped up and down, dousing the smoldering prince with sheets of rainwater. Shining, mane charred short and pristine white fur soot-grey, staggered against the flyer launch bay's railing.
"Curse you, airships!" He shook a hoof at the heavens. "Why must you be so alluring yet so miserable!?"
"You're all right, sir," Misty Fly flapped down to the distraught officer and patted him on the haunches with a hoof. "We got to you in time, everything's going to be--"
*hurk*
"--okay." Misty finished lamely as Shining expelled his lunch over the railing and into the sky below. He collapsed onto the airship's corrugated metal deck.
"Ahem," Lightning coughed as he touched down behind the two.
Misty sighed and discreetly hoofed him another bag of bits.
"Right," the senior Sentry moved on, shedding his officer's dress coat for a set of Royal Guard armor. "We cannot afford to wait any longer, ponies. The storm is getting worse, and our time is now. Strike hard, strike true, and use our momentum to your advantage! These brutes are strong but they cannot match us for speed or agility, so let's show them what the Guard is made of! Fratres in Aeternum!"
"Fratres in Aeternum!" The gathered ponies bellowed the EUP battle cry. General Sentry flicked his helmet's visor down, bucked open the castle doors, and burst onto the landing. "CHAAAAARGE!"
"CHAAARGE!" The guards and Wonderbolts galloped after him, only to find he'd stopped just outside.
The raging cyclone that had enveloped Canterlot only minutes earlier had dissipated. Sunlight streamed down onto the courtyard without a cloud in the sky to blot it out. Spitfire cautiously approached the general looked around in confusion.
"Sir? What's going on--SIR! LOOK OUT!"
Spitfire's Wonderbolt search-and-rescue instincts took over as she leapt into the air, hitting the general with a flying tackle. As soon as she had him in hoof, she reversed, zooming back to the top of the landing's staircase in the blink of an eye.
"Wha?" The disoriented chief of staff barely had time to splutter before a two-ton hunk of obsidian fell from the sky and shattered into a million pieces in the square in front of them.
"What was that?" One of the group, a guardspony named Spear Carrier, inquired.
"That..." Spitfire trotted forward towards an oblong hunk of stone, spinning it around with a hoof, "appears to be the Storm King."
The ponies goggled at the obsidian head of the evil king, his face forever locked in a shocked snarl. All around them, freed ponies peeked out of hiding spots surrounding the square. The Storm King's guards, shaken by the cyclone that nearly swept them all away, slowly rose to their feet and threw their arms down in surrender.
"Whelp," Fleetfoot dusted bits of stone off her haunches. "That was easy. Bag 'em and tag 'em, ponies! Medals all around!"
"That wasn't us," Spitfire's eyes narrowed as she looked to the balcony above them. "Look!"
A burst of brilliant gold magic erupted from the balcony and scattered over Canterlot. Hues of gold, teal, purple and pink swirled through the air around them. The military ponies watched, dumbstruck, as the castle's collapsed roof began to repair itself.
A mote danced past Spitfire, who brushed it with a wing. "We've all felt magic like this before. This feels like..."
"Oh, no." General Sentry muttered.
"...like forgiveness. And friendship."
"Not again! Dammit dammit dammit!" Stalwart stamped a hoof on the cobblestone in frustration. Noticing the shocked looks from his comrades, he sighed. "It's them again. We can all kiss our budget goodbye for the next fiscal year."
A dozen ponies' ears wilted in disappointment. Flash was first to speak as he trotted up to his dad.
"Well... at least we're all okay, and Canterlot is safe. That's the important thing... right, Dad?"
"Sorry, son," Stalwart shook his head slowly, "I admire your optimism, but you just don't get it, do you?"
"Fillies and gentlecolts!" Spike the Dragon's voice boomed across the gathered crowd. "Get ready for a little SONGBIRD SERENADE!"
Throngs of ponies cheered as the performer trotted onto the stage. "And now to celebrate that we're all still here and in one piece, give it up for Princess Twilight and her friends!"
Cheers and thunderous hoofstomps gave way to a slow piano motif as Songbird began her show.
"I know you, you're a spe-cial one,
Some see crazy where I see lo-ove.
You fall so low but sooar so high,
Big dream-er shoot for open sky..."
Spitfire pushed her way back through the crowd until she spotted a downcast General Sentry. Muscling her way over, she offered him her recently refilled flask. "Here sir, you look like you could use a pick-me-up."
Stalwart took the offer without hesitation and gulped back what the Ministry of Food and Drugs had only qualified as 'fine spirits' after a lengthy court battle. "You know, when I was your age, I used to look at EUP high command and wonder how Equestria's best and brightest could allow such insanity to run rampant. Here we were, training every day to protect the throne, and every time evil reared it’s ugly head the idiots in charge just let it run roughshod over Equestria. I made a promise to myself that one day I would change things for the better. That we would march out to the bad guys’ lairs and buck them square in the muzzle, then stop on the way home to rescue fillies’ kittens from trees.”
Spitfire smiled wearily as she snagged her drink back with a wing. “And how’s that working out, sir?”
“You tell me. The EUP is embarrassed on a national level. Upstaged by amateur group therapists, again.” Stalwart sighed. “You wouldn’t understand. You and your flyers, you actually get to go out and do the job you trained for. The further you climb the ladder, well, you can push and push and work yourself to the bone only to see everything you built crumble to pieces for no reason.” He laughed bitterly. “Or maybe the reason is the universe’s cruel sense of humor.”
“Oh, so you want to be a hero, sir? Is that it?” Spitfire cocked an eyebrow.
“Me? Hah. I’m too old for such foolish antics.” Spitfire gave the general a Look to remind him of his earlier antics. “That? I was just doing what needed to be done. No, it’s my ponies. The Guard, the Navy, the rest of the Bolts, they deserve better. The chance to show the ponies of Equestria that there’s more defending this nation than six mares with an incredible lucky streak.”
“Psh,” Spitfire waved a hoof. The liquor was making her chatty. “So Princess Twilight got to save the day and be a Big Damn Hero again. You and I both know that glory shit doesn’t matter! Hay, the country calls First Demo heroes and we’re glorified stunt ponies, for Faustsakes! The only thing a hero actually does is not turn tail and run away, the rest is all timing and luck.” She spotted Flash in the crowd, standing at attention by Princess Cadance’s side. His head swayed ever so slightly with the music. “All your son did today was dodge a few enemy patrols and steal some spears. You think he’s not a hero?”
“Of course not!”
“See? Sheeeit, everypony with us today was as much of a hero as the Princess, as far as I’m concerned, even *hic* Fleetfoot. Don’t tell her I said that, though.”
Stalwart chuckled. “Your secret’s safe with me, Spitfire.”
“It’s Drunk!Spitfire, sir. Regular Spitfire would never be dumb enough to give a dress-down to a four star.”
“Agreed. I’ll leave it off your mutual record, to save her the embarrassment.”
“Much obliged.” Spitfire tipped her flask. “Sucks about the budget though.”
Stalwart let out a harsh barking laugh. “I didn’t survive ten years in Canterlot’s political circles without picking up a few tricks, Captain. We may have to tighten our saddles, but the nobles won’t gut the budget of the ponies who guard their houses while they sleep. Not after a polite reminder, anyhow.”
“If we need to chop some stuff, you could probably push the Mark Thirty-Five back another year. I know some ponies who wouldn’t mind.”
“I’ll take that under advisement.”
Spitfire looked out over the throngs of celebrating ponies, harpies, hippogriffs, and the Storm King’s former minions. She even spied Tempest Shadow lurking near the back of the crowd. “Soo... no arrest, then?”
Stalwart shook his head. “Full pardon from the Princess of Friendship. I’d say I’m surprised, but...” he gestured towards a mismatched draqonequus dancing with Princesses Celestia and Luna.
Spitfire nodded, glancing over towards a cake-shaped pyrotechnics stand where another purple unicorn who’d first threatened and then saved Equestria happily set up fireworks with her friend. As sappy as Princess Twilight’s ways seemed to Spitfire, there were apparently methods to the monarch’s madness. “Fair enough.”
The music shifted, the beat speeding up to a faster tempo. Other performers joined Songbird and her backup dancers onstage, shifting from her soulful tune to something more upbeat. The crowd began to sway to the catchy tune, and soon ponies everywhere were dancing happily, without a care in the world.
A group of sailors and Wonderbolts from the recently arrived Hearts and Hooves reached the edge of the crowd, along with a frazzled Shining Armor. Princess Cadance nearly bowled over a dozen onlookers in her rush to jump onto her husband and envelop him in a bone-crunching wing hug. Admiral Cut, her pale violet head wrapped in bandages, started herding ponies back to a minimum safe distance as the Princess of Love peppered her paramour with passionate pecks.
Stalwart snickered at the scene. “I think... I think I should go and talk to my son.”
“Your words, not mine. I’ll go with, though. You know how it is, ponies to see and hooves to bump. The toils of a celebrity superstar stuntmare never end.”
“Whatever you say, hero.” The general snorted. “Come, let’s go see our friends.”
“So we wanna stay,
But can't find peace while sitting still...
I guess we never will!”
“So ze damage was mostly cosmetic and uzzer zhan myself and Prinz Armor, ve suztained no injuries.” Radiant Cut reported to Stalwart. “Zome sort of ordnance mizhap, I’m told; ze concussion makes my memory of ze event razzer fuzzy.”
Surprise shook her head and made frantic ‘keep it quiet’ gestures from behind the admiral’s back. Spitfire gave her party pegasus a quizzical gesture. She’d have to get the full story from somepony later. Most likely after a thorough interrogation.
“I’m glad your ponies are well, Radiant.” The general returned her salute. “If you’ll excuse me...”
He turned to Flash. “Son.”
“Dad.”
“...Have a minute for an old fool?”
“Of course!” Flash smiled uncertainly. “One sec. Your Majesty? Can I, uh... ow wow.”
Cadance gave no sign she’d heard as she continued to roll around on the street with her husband, latched onto him tightly. After a moment, a wing shooed away the two soldiers.
“By your leave, your Majesty.” The elder Sentry smirked as the two trotted off. “Come, I’ll buy you some cotton candy.”
“Dad? I’m twenty-five.”
“Never too old for a father to embarrass his boy. So, you must tell me all about the Crystal Empire! I’ve heard you’ve had your own share of disasters up there?”
“Oh, we have! And don’t get me started on Flurry Heart...”
"I love this very moment,
We're speeding up not slowing!
We might know we can't win
But we're dumb enough to try!"
Spitfire greeted Misty Fly and Lightning Streak warmly. She'd always found the sibling stunt team to be the best-- well, the least headache-inducing members of her squadron, anyhow. Salutes were exchanged, hoofbumps were given, and the three took a moment to watch the Princess hoist a still-slightly charred Shining Armor over her flanks and march off towards the castle. Spitfire caught the prince's eye for a moment and the two shared a curt nod as Shining's wife carried him away to what Spitfire assumed could only be a medical check-up.
"So..." Spitfire began. "Do I even want to know the story with the shakedown run?"
"Not really," Misty admitted. "Honestly, I'm still in shock that nopony's getting court-martialed."
"A-hem." Lightning coughed theatrically.
"Right." Misty grunted. She fished in a saddlebag for a moment before pulling out yet another bag of bits. "Here you go, you parasite. I should've smothered you with a pillow when I had the chance."
"Love you too, sis."
"Didn't you leave Prism Plateau with a troop of Academy cadets?"
"I did," Misty grinned. "After we got the news, I figured we'd be stuck in Canterlot for a while so I made them fly back to Prism Plateau to pick up Radar for you. Told them if they didn't make it here in time to see the show, it was their own fault for flying too slowly."
"You are an evil genius, Misty."
"Maybe. Don't tell Fleetfoot though, I don't want her to get jealous." Misty looked around. "Speaking of, where are the el-tees?"
"Oh, almost forgot! They're dancing over this way, c'mon, you will not believe what they're wearing!"
"We're going, there's no maybe,
that's why they call us crazy,
and we'll say if any-body asks us"
"We-we, ah..." the cadet wheezed. She was the last of the Academy class still on her hooves, the others had collapsed from sheer exhaustion shortly after arrival. "We got your bird, ma'am. As ordered."
The pony's eyes rolled up in her head and she fell over, out cold after her marathon flight from the airship to Prism Pateau then to Canterlot. The peregrine falcon on her back squawked and leapt into the air as his perch fell out from under him.
"Radar!" Spitfire nuzzled her pet as Radar flapped over to his favorite spot on her head. "You came to see mommy! Good boy!" After cooing at her precious bird, she looked back down at the prone pony who'd delivered him, a green mare with a distinct gold mane and an obvious fake mustache. "Wait a second, isn't that Lightning Dust?"
"Yeahhh, she rejoined the Academy under an alias. Goes by 'Thunder Dust' now. I, uh, I guess nopony told her that we give washouts a chance to recycle and that cloak-and-dagger crap wasn't necessary."
"And you've been playing dumb the whole time?" Spitfire inquired curiously.
Misty shrugged. "Her scores are up, she's been much more of a team player than last time, and she's working harder than ever. Sure, she could be plotting something but if this," she yanked the 'disguise' off Lightning Dust's face, "is her idea of 'subtle' then I don't think she's anything we need to be concerned about."
"Evil. Genius." Spitfire whispered.
"Baah! You think that's genius?" Fleetfoot staggered over to the group from her and Soarin's dance circle, cider in wing and whip trailing behind her. "Who schaved Cap and the general! Me! Fleetfoot, the greatest Wonderbolt who ever lived! WOOOOO!"
"Heh. You did good today, Flatfoot. Just have to get a costume change in once every crisis, huh?"
"Damn right! Besht watch yerself, skipper, cause I'm gunnin' for ya!" Fleetfoot laughed, stumbled, and nearly spilled her drink before recovering and wandering back over to where Soarin danced, still bedecked in his 'combat' gear. None of the adoring fans surrounding the two flyers had anything to say about their choice of attire, or perhaps they were just enjoying the view. "Yeah! Woo! C'mon Clip, let's show these posers how it's done!"
"Speaking of ponies to keep an eye on..." Misty cocked an eyebrow.
"Her? Nah. She talks a big game, but she'd never do anything."
"You positive? She's backstabbed ponies for less, and I don't mean that figuratively."
"Think about it," Spitfire smirked. "She wants to be number one. Right now, she's number three. While I don't doubt she'd get rid of me if she saw the chance, where would that leave her?"
Spitfire's words clicked in Misty's brain as she stared at the two officers spin each other around on the dance floor. Soarin's leash and Fleetfoot's bullwhip soon became tangled, causing them to trip over each other and collapse in a pile of laughter. "Number two. Working for..."
"Her only friend in the world. The one pony she could never seriously betray."
"Huh. Imagine that."
"And you said Officer Candidate School was a waste of time."
"I'm beginning to think that I'm not the only evil genius in the squadron." Misty nodded to her captain. "If you'll excuse me, ma'am, I have a drink to refill and some cadets who may or may not need medical attention."
"Dismissed, Misty. Have fun."
"Always do, Cap."
“Hey! where you gonna go?
We're off to see the world
We don't need to know, oh!“
Spitfire tentatively let herself relax a little more. Despite the enslavement and near-destruction of Equestria earlier in the day, everything seemed to be falling into place. Her squadron was all present and accounted for, with no injuries or outstanding warrants.
Well, all except one. But who knew when she'd show--
*CRACK* *BOOM*
A rainbow streak flashed high above Canterlot, leaving a supersonic shock wave in its wake. It turned sharply downwards, leaving the celebrating ponies barely enough time to scramble out of the way before it impacted the dance floor in front of Spitfire with the force of a small meteor.
"Captain Spitfire! Captain Spitfire! You won't BELIEVE what happened!" Rainbow Dash leaped from her impact crater and shook bits of rock and dust from her coat like a wet dog. "The girls and I got attacked by Tempest Shadow's goons cause they wanted Twilight's magic for some big stick thing, but we fell off the bridge and were swept away over the waterfall, then we had to go on an adventure halfway across Equestria to find the queen of the hippos, who I guess was actually a hippogriff disguised as a seapony? But then they captured Twilight and we came back here and kicked SO MUCH FLANK!! Did you see I got FIRED OUT OF A CANNON!? Seriously, it was SO! AWESOME!!"
"Crash! Good timing on the entrance, I was looking for you."
"Huh?"
"Never mind," Spitfire shook her head, "and yes, I heard what happened. I think the entire country's heard by now."
"Oh! True." Rainbow squirmed in place, hopping from hoof to hoof. "Wasn't it SWEET!?"
Spitfire couldn't help but laugh a little. "That it was, Airmare. Which reminds me, I need to put paperwork in for your medal. If even half of what you said is verifiable, you're due for at least an Equestrian Service Cross."
"Oh," Rainbow's expression clouded slightly. "But... I wasn't even with the Bolts! The girls and I were kinda just doing our thing, y'know?"
"You still saved the kingdom, Rainbow."
"I guess. But I dunno, if you and Soarin and the team aren't getting anything... feels kinda weird..."
"Crash, I've got a closet full of shiny pins back at base. We'll be fine, trust me."
"Well, I guess... actually, could you ship it to my parents in Cloudsdale? Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles, I think they'd really like it?"
"...I'll make a note in your file."
"Sweetthanksbye!" A rush of wind and a supersonic whipcrack rolled across the crowd, and Rainbow was gone.
"You're dismissed for the day, Airmare!" Spitfire yelled to nopony in paticular. "Ugh."
Radar chirped from his spot between her ears. She liked it when he perched on her head, the talons helped against the industrial-strength migraines the job could give her.
"You're right, little one. I guess it could be worse." Spitfire unscrewed her flask again and held it up to her head. Radar hopped once and lapped up a stray drop of Wild Pegasus near the rim with a squawk of thanks. Spitfire sipped some herself and settled back onto her flank, enjoying the sights and sounds of a hundred thousand creatures of Equestria and the lands beyond sing and dance without a single worry. Her squadron was safe, the kingdom was safe, and nopony was demanding her attention for some imminent disaster.
For once, Spitfire thought, all was right with the world.
...
...
...
...
“WHAT THE HAY!?” Princess Cadance’s furious shouts reverberated throughout the corridors of the castle, amplified by all the force the Royal Canterlot Voice could muster. “WHO WENT THROUGH ALL MY STUFF?”
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As insane as it sounds at this point, I'm actually pretty proud of the bolts. F%@#$*g Fleetfoot not only saved the day but did it by living up to her name, Spitsy managed to retain her competence while completely wasted and Surprise somehow didn't end up blowing up a billion bit battlegroup. Here's to the great group of unsung lunatics Equestria has ever seen and hoping they can roll that momentum into season 8. I'm still aiming to see a Wonderbolt episode, though at this point I'd settle for one about f%@#$*g Fleetfoot.
What? If the mission's over then I'm burning through that joke until we land. Serious talk for a moment though, this was as fantastic as ever and a glorious finisher. Thank you for seeing this through. As for the bolts in blue.
Mission Accomplished
Rank: C
Bit bonus: 5000
Additional notes: f%@#$*g Fleetfoot
I was waiting for somebody to write a good explanation as to why the guard wasn't a thing in the movie, and this one also manages to be hilarious. A fitting end to this fine saga.
8715257
Honestly I completely expected the Guard to be useless going in, but I was kinda surprised that Shining Armor was a no-show. I get that the movie had to stand on its own but cmon his wife was there and his sister set up the whole festival. Maybe he just likes doing Guard shit.
8714465
Thanks! I’m happy you and everyone else enjoyed this haphazard assortment of jokes and pop-culture references so much!
8741018
My headcanon is that Twilight gave the guards the day off.
Alternatively, they're so incompetent that when Tempest's fleet crossed the border, she told the guards they were here for the party and they believed her.
8881191
I could see that second one.
"No, Tempest Shadow. S-H-A-D-O-W. I'm on the list!"
"And what about all these heavily armed gorilla monsters?"
"Oh, they're with me. Princess Celestia put me down for plus-one-thousand."
"Well I still don't see you on here, but you say you know the Princess? Hm... okay, go ahead. Cover is five bits each."
Any story that explains why Fleetfoot is worst pony is okay in my book. One that does it this hilariously is to be treasured. Thank you for some truly glorious madness.
?Dad?