Story of a Stick

by Xinrick

Stick visits the Crystal Empire

The root soup was pretty warm, not too bad. They had a texture of carrots with the taste of potatoes. Majority of all the Yaks were thankfully alright, save some minor frostbite cause of the cold.

"Well…glad everything worked out in the end I suppose." I shrugged. “Also the soup is pretty good.”

"True. And hey, at least you get to rest for a while before we go… to wherever next." Iron Hoof said.

“You mentioned you wanted me to give an up and coming recruit some real experience right?” I asked.

"Did I? Huh, well it would be fair. Cause it I asked Instinct here that he'd hospitalize the poor rookies."

I looked over at Instinct. He was clearly beyond skilled, if rather plain. He spoke in monotone and was rather straightforward and blunt. Zero emotion, unlike Toxic, or how he used to be it seems.

“I’m…still honestly surprised how strong Instinct is…” I frowned. “I mean…I’ve heard of plenty of people in my world that can do that, but they’re mostly Guild Leader’s or have the ‘Legend’ title…”

"Heh, Neither Instinct, Toxic or the rest of that group all cared for that. First one of them I met back in the day was Captain."

“Captain?” I inquired.

"He's sorta like the middle man between all them. Heh, son of a gun was making a farm in the frozen wastes. He keeps the rest in check when he has controle. Just lives a quiet life building farms or working."

“I understand.” I nodded. “Is there…any of the personalities I should be worried about?”

"Well… I don't know for sure. Toxic is mostly harmless… Instinct is fine, IQ will only be hazardous to your genitals if you agree to sleep with her. Captain, well I've never seen him fight. Just make farms and work… though I do think I remember hearing IQ say something once…"

“What did they say?” I inquired.

"Dunno. Mostly was just mumbling but it sounded kinda like 'be quiet'."

“That’s…not concerning at all.” I said sarcastically, honestly worried about that.

"I never asked about it. They got enough hardships in their endless life. Figured it best not to ask anything that brings up bad memories from them."

“Fair enough.” I nodded. “So, tell me a bit about this new recruit I was offered to fight?”

"Cocky little shit. Crystal Pegasus, named Crystal Wing and she swears up and down she's Celestia's shit on a stick."

“So you want me to smack her down a peg or two?” I inquired.

"Or as close to six feet under as you can so she gets some respect and humiliation hammered into her harder than she apparently needs a good screw."

“Didn’t…need to know that part but sure, a good dose of honest humility never well and truly ruined someone’s life.” I nodded. ”Kinda hope him bringing up she needs to get laid doesn’t lead to something…but I’m candy land with a reincarnating immortal surrounded by talking Yaks…” I thought to myself. ”Shit…”

"So, where is our next target?" Instinct asked as he walked over.

"Just some training at the Crystal Empire." I said. "I was recommended to…give a reality check to a pegasus mare that thinks she's the second coming of this Celestia lady."

"That would be the princess and leader of the pony race here in Equestria. She is an immortal, but unlike me, lethal wounds and injury can kill her. She rules with her sister Luna. They were good fighters back in the first war. Luna was the only one ever to kill me in a fight."

"So they're ageless, got it." I nodded. "Good to know they also know how to fight."

"Yes. Well, when will we go?"

"As soon as possible I suppose." I shrugged. "If there isn't anything the Yaks need, or however long our resupply will be, then maybe tonight or tomorrow?"

"Alright then." With a nod he headed off, checking around the town.

“I’m a bit surprised to see a lot of Nordic Cutlure here.” I brought up in some small talk about their civilization.

"Nordic?" Iron Hoof asked.

“It’s a geographical and cultural region back in my world.” I said honestly. “Viking’s and the like in ancient times.”

"Hm, let me guess, old and unpracticed these days?"

“For the most part.” I shrugged. “It’s all myth and a bunch of other stuff nowadays sadly.”

"Sounds about right. So what happened to them?"

“Time and an opposing Religion that says ‘my god is better than your pantheon’.” I shrugged.

"And the gods themselves?"

“Either don’t exist, or…considering what I’ve been personally experiencing so far in interdimensional travel, they fucked off after a certain amount of time cause they were tired of being worshipped.” I shrugged. “Though now that I think about it…they probably could have just been Legend Stick Figures that accidentally got worshiped like that…who knows, a lot of that shit happened thousands of years ago in my world.”

Iron Hoof nodded. "Fair. So, what will you be doing after showing the rookie to respect her superiors?"

“Most likely get teleported to where I need to go next for some reason.” I shrugged.

"Hm. Sounds like there's too many problems for you to fix."

“At least it’s been one at a time so far.” I pointed out. “Or at least, I’ve been able to get to them before things got worse.” I sighed. “But if this wasn’t all pre-planned, then Faust wouldn’t have magically sent me here.”

"Don't know any Faust but I do know that at least with Instinct and them helping ya the workload should be easier."

“Hopefully.” I sighed.

With the Yaks all good and our meal finished we headed back to the Empire. Thankfully that Waypoint map Sombra gave me came in real handy. I placed one down here just in case before heading back to the Empire. Thankfully I was able to take the others with me too through it.

Now back at the Empire I followed Iron Hoof to the training barracks.

“Alright…now where would this trainee be?”

Iron Hoof looked around for a bit before looking up. "There." He pointed a hoof up.

I looked up and saw a hammock, somehow nailed into the crystal ceiling and supporting a snoozing Pegasus mare.

“Why does she…weirdly remind me of a rainbow maned pegasus I drove into the ground by accident?” I said, a tad confused why I thought of that but it weirdly felt right.

Iron Hoof shrugged. "Eh. Well, have at her. Pretty sure you have something to wake her up and deal with her."

“I have something very special.” I said, as I used a tome and levitated up to the hammock…then used my superior strength and speed to wrap the pegasus in her own hammock and rip the nails out of the ceiling, landing on the ground and starting to drag her out towards the training area. “Wakey wakey cadet! Time to face reality!” I shouted as I bolted through the barrack’s into the training area, and with a mighty heave lifted the sack of a sleeping pegasus over my shoulder and slammed her straight into the ground hard enough to create a small crater.

"The hell?!" She yelped as she managed to get herself out of the net like hammock and shake it off. "Yeesh, I knew you sticks were supposed to be dangerous, but rude is just plain unfair." She huffed. She was largely a shade of light purple, save her almost neon green mane and bright yellow eyes. "So, given you aren't attacking the city as a whole you aren't evil like those other foals drawings but given you were being an ass I'm guessing some pony wants you to do something for them?"

"Iron Hoof wants me to give you a hearty dose of humility." I said honestly.

"May I counter the offer by giving you a hearty dose of hoof up whatever you have that qualifies as an ass?" She asked me.

"Aw, you're adorable." I chuckled. "I heard you have some merit to your skills, so let me see something."

She frowned as suddenly when she exhaled I was spun around and up in a wind vortex that lifted me up into the air and dropped me flat on my back… ouch…

"Well…neat trick." I said, getting back up and dusting myself off. "Got anything else?" I asked, even though it stung a bit I've been hit way harder.

She raised a wind and suddenly a much harder wind force slammed me into the wall. I didn't know if the audible crack I heard was me or the crystal walls and to my relief it was the walls… though I am still really sore from that one…

"Ya done already? Well, let me show you how it's really done." I said, pulling out twin fans as I swung my right hand and sending out a blast of powerful wind.

She kneeled herself down, wings spread out and flat as the air seemed to blow over her. Once it was done she got up, and with a flap of her wings air blasted me through the wall this time. "Using Wind Magic against a Pegasus isn't very bright. Then again your head is flat as paper so probably not much brains is there?"

"So you're one of those people…" I said, a wind barrier was around me that kept me safe from that attack, as I disbanded my fans and the barrier fell. "I will admit, you do have some skill," I shrugged, drawing a katana and getting into a low stance. "But not enough." I said, and before the pegasus could react I slammed into her chest with the hilt of my katana, sending her flying and through an opposite wall.

She managed to catch herself in the air and fly back at me, spinning around and making a vortex around me that… oh crap it's getting hard to breathe…

"Dragon Twister!" I shouted, drawing my blade and spinning in the opposite direction, the pegasus shocked to see her own tornado being forced in the opposite direction as a bluish white dragon was forming from the swing and tried to slam into her.

She managed to avoid the impact but crashed into me. The two of us ramming heads then tumbling on the ground before she then properly headbutted me and then flew back, giving us both some distance. "For such a thin creature you sure can take a beating." She admitted, a smirk on her lips as she eyed me now.

"Well, your the first pony I've had to fight." I said simply. "So far…meh."

"Keep talking, we'll see if you're still hot shit now that I know you won't snap like the sticks you look like." She said, a flap of her wings and she was off, flying fast enough to leave a small after image before she tackled me into a fair sized hole in the ground…

…

Ouch… that hurt… way more than I was expecting…

“Again, you are strong.” I commented. “But there’s something in the way, and you still don’t see it.” I said, as she suddenly felt chains wrap around her neck as I slipped out from underneath her and shoulder threw her back straight into the ground again, as I let the chains get off of her neck as I jumped back, twirling both ends of my kusarigama, twin chain sickles.

"Your fetish for tying up mare's and tossing them on the ground?"

“Don’t flatter yourself.” I rolled my eyes. “But come on, you tired all of a sudden?”

"I'm always tired but I wouldn't even if you did have something between that acute angle you call legs."

I kicked the pegasus in the stomach and sent her skidding across the ground. “Ah, that’s what’s in the way of you actually being good, your overinflated ego and constant need for sass.”

"Game recognizes game bipod." She said, managing to use her wind powers to slip out of the chains. "Like you're any different?"

“Yes, actually.” I said honestly, lightly walking as I kept up the spinning of both sickles with practiced ease. “I’m a lot different, first off, I’m not racist.” I commented.

"I'm not racist, I'm ignorant. There's a difference." She said, honestly making me stop when I heard that. "And no, we aren't. I can tell from your tone and the report from when you first arrived here that we aren't. I mean, most of that I'd let pass cause the Equestrian Royal Guard is kinda a joke but even so, your sass and attitude is not too different from me."

“I mean…no?” I stared at her in honest confusion. “First of all, I was told you think you're basically the second coming of one of the rulers of this country, I never think I’m that good.” I rolled my eyes. “Two, I don’t spout literal racist shit to someone because I’m ‘ignorant’ and you ignore that I’m not just a two dimensional character,” I even motioned that I was indeed 3D. “And three, while I am sassy, I don’t let my ego ruin many of my attacks.”

"Well how am I supposed to know what's racist towards you and what's just insulting when your kind hasn't been in Equestria for over a thousand years? Empire may have been gone that long but I was a foal when it did and barely remember any of that mess… then the whole Sombra thing happened and some brainwashing magic was… not fun and then I grew up in modern Equestria. Fucking time banishment bullshit magic's."

“Understandable.” I said honestly. “Would you believe me if I said he went on that rampage because he lost the love of his life?”

"Must have been some good ass to enslave and brainwash an entire empire over losing her."

“Was a Half-Giant from my world actually.” I brought up. “And…from what Sombra has told me against all my protests…I can assume so.”

"I still don't see the appeal." She said, walking up and around me. "I mean, seriously, I don't get it." She said, poking a hoof to my stomach… only for her hoof to poke into my pocket dimension portal there. "Woah!" She said in surprise.

“Careful.” I said carefully. “Faust gave me that to hold every single weapon and item I own.” I said honestly. “I…also didn’t expect anyone but me to be able to open it.”

"Neat." She said, poking a hoof in and out rapidly. "Hmmm." She said in thought before jumping In!

I panicked, reaching in and trying to pull her out… after a few minutes she popped her head out. "Dude, did you know there's a swimming pool in here?"

“The fuck?” I blinked. “Why in god’s name would I have a swimming pool in there?”

"A swimming pool, game room, fully stocked kitchens, like a million bedrooms and bathrooms, a huge ass bar and all kinds of insane stuff in here." She said. She dove back in and popped back out holding a can of soda. "Dibs on squatting in here!"

Before I could protest she dove back in… the hell?

“The hell did Faust do to me? Give the the fucking Castle Fruit from One Piece?” I frowned. “And how the hell do I get in there?” I frowned.

"I'm still trying to process what the hell I just witnessed." Iron Hoof said, rubbing his temples.

“Crystal is talented. I will give her that.” I admitted. “But…what is this about me being just like her?”

"Let me ask you something, Simon. Why did you train with all those weapons? What drove you?"

“Three things, one because I wanted to be like the…many, many idol’s I have, two, I could never settle one just one thing because of my own mental differences, and three…well, a combination of ‘Stick Figure fighting instinct’ and ‘being a Master of Arm’s sounded really cool to ten year old me’.” I admitted sheepishly.

"Right, now let me ask you this. How is your life back home? Family? Friends? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Was your house full of people you loved or weapons you trained with?"

I… didn't socialize much cause of my training… parents passed years ago and… no siblings and… never had a girlfriend… and home was just… where I piled my weapons…

“I had my own Dojo home, I had to work really hard on it…” I said. “I have made friends…but…my parents have been dead for a long time…” I sighed. “What happened to Crystal?”

"Well, as you saw she has a unique Ability to control the wind. At a young age it was difficult for her to control, so she spent most of her foal hood training it. By the time Sombra, the banishment and the Empire's return all happened she was one of a small number of ponies left with such abilities left. The fame it gained her got her that Ego I was talking about. Still, despite her training and fame she was a lonly foal. Her parents died in Sombra's rampage and her powers kept most at a distance. Now, despite the fact she's called a rookie she's got the training to take on some missions, but Princess Cadence doesn't think she can handle a real mission. Thinks her past trauma and powers should be dealt with first before she can prove herself a guard."

I sighed. “I understand…”

"To be honest I was hoping she'd tag along in some way. Granted I wasn't expecting… that." Iron Hoof said, poking at my stomach… and his hoof went into the portal too. "Damn… should keep a lock on that." He said, pulling his hoof back.

“I probably should…” I said nervously. “Geez…this kinda weirdly sounds like the start of a weird romance novel, two orphans finding solace in each other's company and all that jazz.” I shook my head.

"Well, only weird if you make it weird. As for that whole thing." He motioned to my stomach area. "Only one person can really answer that question."

“Who’s that?” I inquired.

"IQ. Come on, let's go find Instinct." He said, motioning for me to follow. It took us about half an hour and once we found them he obliged.

I never saw someone snap their one neck with their hands until now. Before Instinct could even fall to the ground that weird lights and chains thing happened again. Now standing before us… was… holy…

She had long black hair, sapphire eyes, and a body like… like a sex goddess!

"My my, first time back out in a while and two lovely men here before me. Must be my birthday~" She cooed with a wink… crap, focus!

“Alright, so I need your help…” I said, trying to stay focused and remember all my training. “Please mommy…er, sorry, I meant IQ…” I looked down, trying to hide my reddining face from my own dumbass blunder at the sexy milf in front of me.

"Oh sweetie, no need to be worried." She said, pulling me into a hug and… her skin is like velvet! "I can be all you nee- ouch!"

The fantasy I was entering ended just as fast as IQ was now limping, holding onto her leg. "Damn it Iron Hoof… that hurt…"

"We didn't ask ya here for you to be your usual whore self. We need that brain of yours." Iron Hoof stated with a huff.

"Oh come on, it's my first time out in literally a thousand years. Can't I have a little fun~?"

"After you tell us what kind of Pocket dimension thing Simon here has in his stomach."

"Oh you are just no fun…" She huffed as she rubbed her leg.

“Also, be careful, someone does exist here.” I said while lightly poking the portal in my stomach. “Cause Crystal is having way too much fun in there…”

"Well at least one of us is…" She sighed, standing back up and stretching her leg some before kneeling down and looking at my stomach. I tried not to blush as she felt around there and found the portal entrance. "Interesting…" She hummed as she looked at the ripples and such. "It appears to be a localized and stabilized tear between space and void that is converted with basic matter and space."

“A woman named Faust created it after she sent me through a portal she made herself.” I answered. “Which…at this point, she might probably be a god.”

"Probably. No normal Stick can make something this complex." She said. "It is quite a feat. Tell me, what do you normally use this for?"

“From what Faust told me, is that it was supposed to be a pocket dimension for all my weapons, kinda like the ‘Equip’ from FairyTail, but then Crystal hopped in and said that there’s like some nifty mansion in there with bar’s, pools, game rooms, and god know’s what in there.”

"Hmm. Can you pull out a weapon?" IQ asked as she stood up and took a step back.

“Sure.” I nodded, reaching in and pulling out a Hook Sword.

"Hmm…" She hummed, looking at the portal spot over again. "Interesting." She then let her hands glow with some kind of odd energy, an almost green color as she felt along the portal itself. "Layered? That explains it… but the one she is in is new…" IQ muttered. Finally she let that energy on her hands die down and stood back up. "Alrighty then. Simon, what you have in there is perhaps best described by linking a TARDIS to another TARDIS." She said.

“Oh goodie…” I groaned. “That’s not going to be a headache and a half to figure out later…”

"Relax. All it really means is that Faust seems to have taken that pocket of space all organic beings with souls have that normally houses your soul and made it the size of several galaxies and layered it with a few dimensions." She said.

I blinked. “Uh…” I tried wrap my head around that statement. “That’s…how and why? And how am I still alive?”

"Well, first off the small pocket I'm referring to is typically a small bit between the physical dimensions and what one would call the spiritual dimensions. This pocket exists between them, making it a perfect housing for a soul. She has taken this space and expanded it, putting in several dimensions to help keep things with you working properly and to best ensure you don't lose it Somehow. You're still alive because your soul is still inside this pocket, it's just in one of the extra dimensions."

“Right…” I said carefully. “That’s…damn…”

"You said the one Crystal was in is new?" Iron Hoof asked.

"Yes." IQ nodded. "It seems these extra dimensions can be modified and changed based on who is in them and what their comforts are. The space she is in now seems to be able to freely bend to the wills of whoever enters it so long as it doesn't endanger any other residents that enter and doesn't abstain from the happiness of them either. It's kinda like a physical take on how The Afterlife works."

I rubbed my temples. “So she’s going to be in there forever…goodie.” I sighed. “So…might as well ask, how do I get in there? Cause I’m not fully sure normal ways would be able to work.”

"I'd wager meditation could work. Also perhaps yoga. Ball yourself up into your stomach and fall in."

“Good thing I’m really good at meditating and have mastered Yoga…cause even that self help exercise study has things to do with martial arts…and is an ancient martial art in it’s own right.”

"Well, now that that is out of the way, would you care to treat a girl~?" IQ asked, making me crimson red.

“It’s…my first time…” I said nervously, trying desperately to find any solid footing in my confidence for the pretty and smart lady.

"Oh sweet little baby, I'll be gentle~" She said, giving a soft blow of air into my ear.

"Oh for the love of…" Iron Hoof huffed as he left. "I'll be at Smog Iron's when you're done."

“Don’t you fucking run away!” I pleaded. “Don’t leave me…I’ve never been on a date…” I pleadingly whispered to Iron Hoof.

"Yeah, you ain't going on a date kid…" Iron Hoof said as he closed the doors.

IQ took my face and kissed me…

---

Holy… sweet… everything… IQ had long since gotten up to use the showers here in the training area and I was still laying on my back lost in the… first time… memories… her ability let her do things I only ever thought impossible cause reality but holy hell did she check every one of my kinks off…

“I…uh…wow…” I panted heavily.

"Well, I'm off." IQ said as she was out of the showers already and dressed. "I have a thousand years of Equestrian technology and magic to read up on and I want to see if they even got close to the publishings I gave Celestia to jumpstart this planet by several million years."

“O-oh…” I muttered. “Alright…have fun with that I guess…I’m just gonna…head off to wherever the hell I have to be next…” I said, finally able to sit up cause that took…a whole lot outta me.

"See ya around." She said, exiting the door.

So… my first time is with an immortal, super smart, super hot lady with possibly reality warping level powers…

“And then…she…bails…” I muttered. “Right…the best thing I’ve ever felt…to possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever felt…” I shook my head, the wonderful afterglow seeping away into…a cold feeling of loneliness I thought I moved passed. “No wonder people told me to find someone special…” I grumbled, managing to get up and get to the shower.

Well, that answered that for me. Casual sex is fun but the after part sucks. I got myself cleaned up and put my clothes back on and headed out. Hmm… maybe I should check on Sombra.

“Hopefully he isn’t setting anything on fire…” I muttered, putting down the waypoint and trying to fast travel to Sombra’s place.

Upon my arrival I entered. The house looked cleaner, that's for sure. Bit more lit up with a few lightbulbs here and there.

I found Sombra in the lab/garden/basement. "Oh, you're back." He said, using his magic to trim and keep the plants back into a manageable size and shape.

“Yep, just went through…a lot over these past few days.” I nodded.

"I've mostly just been modernizing the place and fixing the garden here."

“Well, then it’s a good thing for you to know that IQ is out and about right now.” I said honestly. “If you know who that is…”

"Yes I know the whore. Everyone does. At least anyone of the older generations in the Empire should. Some of the younger generations might know her too given there's a chance she's their mother…"

“She told me what the hell my own personal pocket dimension is…which is a lot bigger than I realized…and she taught me first hand, casual sex is great…but the aftermath can go to hell.”

"Yes well she never was one for romance. Just sex for pleasure, maybe have a kid out of it. Speaking of if you did rutt with her you better have used protection otherwise she is carrying your kid now."

I stopped for a moment, thinking about if I did or didn’t…”Uh…” I tried to mentally figure out that massive pleasurable mess that woman put me through. “Oh no…”

"Oh relax. It's not like she'll ask you for child support or anything. She'll just pop the kid out in nine hours then use her ability to craft a caretaker for them and that will raise them."

… Nine hours?!

“Why in god’s name didn’t she tell me that!?” I snapped, legitimately upset that she’d just ditch me after that possibility was slammed down on me. “Like…not being into romance because you’re a nigh immortal reincarnating being, fine, whatever…but to just go ‘oh yeah, you’re probably a father now but who fucking cares’? Are you serious!?”

"Thats just how she is." Sombra shrugged. "Part of her… self selected role was keeping the… population up." Sombra shuttered. "That female is shameless."

"Great…just…just fucking great…" I sighed, now honestly feeling like garbage at this point. "That's one way to make someone feel like shit I never thought I'd have to experience…"

Sombra shrugged. "Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm gonna find IQ and not have her abandon the child for fucking one." I frowned. "I don't care if I'll be an only father, a child shouldn't be alone damn it. And I don't care if you said she'll make some genetically perfect nanny, nanny's don't replace the importance of parenthood!"

"And then what?"

"What do you mean?" I frowned. "Are you trying to tell an orphan 'why does having a parent matter'?"

"No I'm just asking how are you gonna fight and change diapers… plus you don't exactly have the chest for breastfeeding."

“I mean…I’ll still need the nanny for that part…” I said nervously. “But…I can’t just do nothing…”

"If you want. But where will you actually raise the kid?"

“I…I don’t know…” I sighed out.

“I'd say ask Celestia, but she's probably busy dealing with all the collateral damage all the other Stick Figure people are making. Or eating her stress cake. One of the two."

“And where’s Celestia?” I inquired. “I’ve only heard of her and never actually met her.”

"Canterlot. Capital of Equestria. All the snooty rich nobility types live there because they think their money makes them worthy to live near her. Frankly she uses their stupidity to tax them to Tartarus and back to fund the majority of her aid and other such programs so she can put up with their nagging for whatever if it means their excess money goes towards feeding some needy families."

“That’s what that shitty food critic get’s.” I huffed.

"Kind of surprised you haven't been there yet."

“I mean…I guess I was there after I killed a Parasprite Queen in…I think it was called Whitetail Woods?” I guessed, thinking back to…maybe a week or so ago.

"You were only a few hundred miles from it then." Sombra said with a nod. "So, back on topic, once you reclaim your," Sombra looked up at a nearby clock. "Seven hours from birthing child from IQ, then how will you be raising them and fighting?"

“Oh yeah, I was there. It was on that mountain with all those snooty pricks and, again, a dumbass food critic that doesn’t understand the basics of what the fuck food is.” I huffed. “But…I can’t get to Canterlot in seven hours…I don’t even know where I’m supposed to go next…”

"Well, much as I'd rather not you can have the child stay here. It's warm, there's food and all you'd need to bring me is a stockpile of diapers and milk."

“Wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia takes pity on me and helps you and whatever nanny IQ makes…” I sighed.

"Maybe." Sombra shrugged. "Well you best go find her then."

“I really should.” I nodded. “But while I’m making my way all the way to Canterlot, is there any towns or cities on the way there?” I inquired.

"Well, between here and Canterlot is Manehattan, Trottingham, and I'm not sure what else. Been a while and I think the maps I have aren't all that up to date."

“I’ll probably get a clue as to where to go in Canterlot when I find IQ…” I sighed. “Well…at least I saw a train station in the Crystal Empire, hopefully this Cadence lady won’t drag me off for questions if I get back there.” I said, wondering why I’ve heard stuff about the leader of the empire yet haven’t seen hide nor hair of her.

"Depends."

"Since I'm still new to this world, depends on what?" asked.

"If she's distracted or not."

"Fair enough." I nodded. "Well…I better get going, don't want to miss the train if it's actually going to Canterlot or not…"

"Don't forget to pick up your kid."

“I won’t…and this is all predicated on a massive ‘if’..I’d rather not take that chance.” I sighed, getting up and using the waypoint back to the Barrack’s.

It took me a while to actually find IQ… and by then she was six hours in and looking Six hours Pregnant… and Cadence… I think. A pink Alicorn was next to her looking a mix of surprised and sour.

“Oi!” I snapped. “I have quite a bit to say to you IQ.”

"Being?" She asked, flipping through the book. "You all seriously barely got electric power plants running off your Storm Clouds?"

"It's been difficult preparing the safety measures." Cadence said.

IQ huffed. "What has Celestia been doing with all those blueprints?"

“Why didn’t you tell me that you would get pregnant immediately?” I asked bluntly.

"Does that matter?" She asked, flipping the page. "Males fill me up, I pop out a baby and life goes on."

“Of course it fucking does!” I snapped. “I honestly don’t give a damn if you're immortal or not and are using this as some weird coping mechanism that Sombra told me about…” I looked at IQ. “Even if it didn’t matter to other people…it matters to me…but not that it matters apparently…”

"Well sorry. Not like it's easy for me either."

“Cause taking fifteen fucking second’s to point that out would have been too difficult for the virgin that you just left without narry a word after.” I rolled my eyes.

"Not the first flower I picked, and when you out live six hundred husbands, one hundred and forty wives, and forty thousand children, you learn it's best not to get attached." She said, looking at me now. "Never again. No more heartache."

“And I’m sorry to hear that, but you at least get to see them live out a happy life with you. I had to witness my parent’s killed in a terrible accident when I was ten…and had no one afterwards.” I growled. “I honestly can’t fathom the pain of immortality…but to literally hear from someone else ‘oh yeah, IQ was just going to build a super nanny then abandon them without telling the baby daddy at all’...well it’s terrible to me…”

"Parents should pass before their children. Nothing hurts worse than outliving them… every time. Not always at a young age." She said, looking back at the book. "You can take the baby, but leave me out of it…"

While I wanted to argue that our kid still needed a mother, I saw Cadence raise a hoof. “Please, excuse my Grandmother…she’s been through a lot…”

“She's what?” I blinked in surprise. “Never mind…but I was told that you literally create a nanny like being for the child? Is that true?” I asked, wanting to make sure Sombra was correct about that.

"Easily. They don't usually have much in terms of personality but I can build them, they can learn and I can make them look like anything."

“Thank you.” I nodded, taking a deep breath to collect myself from my kinda well deserved anger. “One thing I didn’t expect from coming here to probably save the world was becoming a father…”

"So, you’re this Simon auntie told me about then?" Cadence asked as she walked up next to me.

“Yes I am.” I nodded politely. “And you must be Cadence correct?” I slightly bowed in respect. "It's nice to meet you princess."

"Likewise. I have heard you are to thank for defeating several dangerous members of your kind as well as a Parasprite Queen. For this you have my thanks." She said, giving a quick bow to me.

"No need for bows to me, just me being a good Samaritan." I said.

"Right, and I'm Queen of Lust." Cadence said with a chuckle. "I take it you are doing well?"

"Well…kinda." I shrugged. "Sorry about the scene…" I brought up sheepishly.

"It is alright. My mother told me stories about her and meeting her personally I can safely say I get it."

I sighed out. "Thanks Princess…all this just…hits a little too close to home…" I shook my head. “I don’t know anything about immortality…but I haven’t had a family for eleven years…while she got to see them off through natural causes….I have to still remember their mangled corpses…”

Cadence pulled me aside, giving me a sad smile. "I can understand where you're coming from really. Much like you… remember that of them… she remembers all of them too. From birth til death… watching the little babies she created, the lovers she took, all grow up, old and wrinkles while she remained the same and pass. I understand you've felt alone and spiteful because you didn't get to have enough time with your family, but her excess of time has caused her to outlive every family she has ever gotten to have. Can you imagine that Simon? Watching the world, the family you lost die over and over again forever? You two aren't so different."

“Two sides of the same coin…” I sighed. “One of us had too much time…the other didn’t have any…” I shook my head. “Still…doesn’t mean she can just abandon them like they don’t exist…like just another accident…”

"What's the lesser of two evils? Letting them grow up never knowing their mother was an immortal entity, or being raised by their immoral mother who will watch them grow and die, and bury the child she birthed?"

I sighed, rubbing my temples bitterly. “Abandoning a child still isn’t right.”

"Maybe, but it's how she copes now. And to be frank it's better than… alternatives."

“Should I even ask?” I inquired.

"Well, what do females in your world do with unwanted children during or even after they're born?"

“I mean…that’s all up to her if that’s what she wanted to do.” I answered. “But…even if she gives them a super nanny…” I just shook my head. “This isn’t going to go anywhere…”

"Maybe not. But onto other matters." Cadence said. "I understand you possess a unique Ability to store a vast amount of weapons within a… pocket dimension located in or around your stomach. Am I to assume the reason all the old Stick Figure weapons and such Iron Hoof was in charge of vanishing was you?"

“Iron Hoof let me.” I said with raised hands. “Said I could take all of them to help the Yak’s who were…needing some much needed help.”

Cadence nodded. "I understand. I am not mad. I'm actually relieved. Mother always said many of those weapons were rather dangerous. Frankly them being in your… limbs, is better than letting them sit and gather dust or end up in bad hooves." She stated. "I was actually wondering if you'd be willing to house other dangerous objects my Mother kept in a special vault."

“That depends on what they are, and if they don’t magically ruin any part of my soul…cause that’s what’s making my new armory and mansion in there.”

"I believe only one of the items can do such a thing but it's… unique. Follow me." Cadence said as we were leaving the library and heading elsewhere.

“So…” I started, noticing the mark on her flank. “I’ve noticed that mark on many different ponies' flanks…what are they?” I inquired. “And why is your’s a weird crystal heart? Is your power love or something?”

"They're called Cutie Marks. They're part of a ponies biological magic and signify our special talents."

“Huh, that’s interesting.” I said honestly. “So, what’s special about you princess? Besides having both wing’s and a horn?”

"My special talents reside within love. I can sense, detect and even tell who is best with who and if need be I can pull love two would have for one another back to the surface in the event it starts to become buried in other emotions."

“Then am I ever able to feel love?” I asked, honestly wanting to know if I was even able to feel that again after…way too long alone.

"I can already tell you feel Fatherly love, given how your worried about the child you and grandmother made. Even if no love went into the child's birthing, you're already developing parental love rather quickly."

“Well…at least being a decent person didn’t stop me from knowing how to actually love…” I sighed, at least glad to hear that.

It was a long walk and after twenty, yes, twenty secret passageways and doors later we arrived in a hallway lit by glowing stones where on tables, racks and in locked cases were various items, armors, weapons and other such oddities. "Well, this is it, the Forbidden Armory." Cadence said.

“Damn.” I blinked, looking over all the item’s. “I…saw some of these back home, but I don’t know a lot of the other things…”

"Some of these items are from fallen enemies of the wars, some are of Equestrian Origin… others seem to have come from… elsewhere." Cadence said as I looked around.

“That’s…interesting.” I said, looking through the many many items in question. “Jeez…these are really old.”

"Many come from the early years." Cadence said.

I picked up a small sheathed knife. It looked fairly ordinary… until I unsheathed it. The knife was made of pure darkness. A darkness that felt opposed to the… everything around it. As if it was meant to kill not just living things but anything that existed alive or not. I quickly re sheathed it.

“Not bringing that out again.” I frowned, putting that away in a very safe spot.

The next item I picked up was a book, leather bound in some unknown animal hide. Opening it, the pages were blank, and also seemed to be made from some kind of leather. Soon the pages began to form symbols and words and displayed images of turning flesh and bone into weapons by binding a soul to them, making them indestructible as a result while effectively stealing life force from all around.

I closed it, feeling a chill as I swear the book seemed… unpleased, that I closed it…

“Yeah yeah, if I want to go back into Necromancy I’d go back to something a little more pleasant to talk to.” I huffed to the book and put it away.

The next item was a small cage housing a skull. I picked it up, not seeing anything abnormal… til the skull jumped at the bars, mindlessly trying to chew through the metal.

“Oi!” I brought out a rolled up newspaper and lightly popped the thing. “No, bad Skull.” I huffed. “No chewing through the cage.”

It bit onto the paper and began rapidly eating it.

"That skull was found on an expedition far west of here. According to my mother's notes, it has no necromantic properties yet will devour all of anything organic it can bite into. The team that found it was ten. Three being Stick Figures like yourself… only one came back and they were missing an arm and half their face." Cadence said.

“That…sounds like a Doctor Who reference…but I don’t remember what exactly…” I frowned, thinking for a bit. “And this thing is indestructible or something?”

"Auntie herself tried and failed. Whatever it is it's not easily or capable of being damaged and seems to endlessly hunger for life despite having no organs. Still, it's a concern."

Well, IQ did say there were several of those dimensions in me. Maybe one is like a dungeon or prison or something?

“Right…” I said, while trying to focus and send this thing into a prison dimension to stay there for eternity.

The next item was what appeared to be a mirror. Looking into it, my reflection was quickly changed to… home? But… this isn't right… home might be chaotic but… this is… Madness.

Smoke filled the air, fires and riots, Monsters I've seen here on Equestria all over the place.

“That’s…that’s not right.” I shook my head. “There’s plenty of strong stick figures that could handle all of this shit and calm it down…what are the Guild’s doing?” I frowned.

To my surprise the mirror changed to a view of them… the guild HQ's were in ruins and the high ranking members were all in chains and prison cells… who the heck…

“What…who the hell could beat some of the strongest around?” I asked in honest shock, trying to find out what the hell caused this. “Who…would cause this much destruction?”

The mirror changed again, now showing me… Faust?!

… She was sitting in my house… playing my PlayStation… and eating my Pizza Pockets!

“Bitch!” I shouted. “World’s going to hell but she’s in my house, playing my games and eating my food!? The fuck!”

I pocketed the Scrying Mirror. That will come in handy later down the road.

The next item was another book. This one looked fairly normal at least. Opening it I was met by formulas and equations that went WAY over my head… actually… looking at this it might just be one formula or equation that seems to span across every page. Top to bottom, front and back.

“Alright, what equation is this?” I frowned.

"I don't know per say. Mother's diary said the wizard she tasked with studying it told her he was getting close to understanding what it's for but a few days later vanished without a trace. All that was in his quarters was the book, an odd mark on the ground and distinct lack of magic in the area for several weeks."

“Huh…either this absorbed all the magic to make him disappear, or it’s an antimagic equation…” I hummed. “What was the mark he made on the ground?”

"It was like a scotch mark but a pale yellow white, almost like a bleach stain but in stone."

“Hmm…” I hummed, trying to figure out what this weird equation was as I flipped through more and more pages.

After a while I sighed, figuring this was not going to be something I'll be figuring out right now and put it away.

The next item was a mace. Picking it up it was incredibly lightweight. Felt more like a stick than a mace. As I gave it a swing I noticed the gravity in the area shift and such.

“Gravity Mace huh? Cool.” I said with a smile.

I spent the rest of the time storing away all kinds of odds and ends. Some were cool. Others were quite Eldritch.

By the time I got to the last, and most interesting Item I think I counted a total of about two hundred items so far.

The final item was in a long, corrupted mythril chest bound by what seemed to be Adamantium chains.

“So…what nonsense is this?” I inquired.

"Mother's diary didn't say much about this item. Just that should it find its way Into any creatures use, that the war would be the least of Equestria's problems."

“Right then.” I said while shoving that thing straight into its new home for as long as I’m still alive. “Not gonna open that ever if it’s that bad.”

"Well, that was everything. I believe around now Grandmother should have given birth."

“Can’t wait to see my kid…and also I just remembered Crystal Wing is still here my dimensional world…”

"So that's where she went… is she safe?"

“As far as I know…she’s probably getting drunk off her ass.” I said, digging into my pocket dimension and trying to find my fellow orphan.

I pulled out two empty beer bottles and… a handful of bubbles? They smelled… fruity.

“Yeah, she’s probably drunk.” I sighed. “Goodie…let’s go see my kid.”

I went back down to the library and found a… mare. She was pale white with pale gray mane… no cutie mark but she was holding a small baby wrapped in a pink blanket. A Stick Figure baby, and IQ was looking rather tired all of a sudden, and still reading a book.

“Hey.” I said softly. “How…did everything go?”

“As usual.” IQ said.

“Did you already name them?” I asked, gently walking over to my kid and wondered if the pink blanket meant it was a daughter, or if it was the only blanket on hand.

“Nope.”

“Alright.” I nodded. “And what’s your name?” I inquired to the mare.

She didn’t answer, just looked at me with a blank look as she still held the baby.

“She’s the constructed nanny. All she knows how to do is take care of the baby. She can’t speak.”

“Alright…” I nodded, gently looking at my new kid to see what they looked like.

They looked mostly like me. My color with IQ’s hair it seems given they have a small patch of black hair on their head.

“They look so cute.” I smiled softly, gently taking my kid from the nanny, cradling them and…feeling both an overwhelming sense of joy at holding my own child…but it was followed by sadness knowing they weren’t going to have a mother…that I was mostly by myself besides Sombra and maybe someone else if they cared enough.

I looked back at the Nanny, who was still eying me with a blank look but looked more… concerned. Hmm…

“My names Simon, and…I’m their father.” I said softly to the Nanny, remembering that IQ did say that they were capable of getting their own personality with time.

Still nothing. I guess she needs to learn stuff.

“Now, is my kid a boy or a girl?”

“Girl.” IQ said.

“Cool.” I nodded. “But mind if I ask a few things about what I was grabbing in the ‘Forbidden Armory’?”

“Sure.”

“So…first question, what the hell is that weird equation that takes up an entire book?”

“That would be the equation for trans dimensional ascension. It is meant to evolve a person from one stage of existence to the next body and soul, going around death.”

“Huh…that’s interesting.” I said. “Next…what was the weird caged skull for?”

“That is some leftover piece from a long dead cult or something.”

“When in the world did you grab the Necronomicon?” I inquired.

“That is not a necronomicon, that is an Abyssal Tomb. It contains Eldritch magic, not necromantic magic. There is a difference.”

“So it’s sentient because of that stuff, got it.” I nodded. “Haven’t used any Eldritch stuff in a while…so what the heck is inside the box?”

“What box?”

“The corrupted mythril chest covered in adamantium chains.” I brought up.

“Don’t know.” She said.

“Right then…” I said. “So…also apparently, home is being burned to the ground…”

“What else is new?”

“Do you know who Faust is? Cause I think she’s the one burning it down.” I answered.

“That was… Celestia and Luna’s mom. So, she snapped?”

“Don’t know, she’s the one that sent me here.” I shrugged. “Was she fighting someone before getting sent to our world?”

“Yes.”

“Then…maybe there was some portal fuckery?” I asked nervously. “All I know, is that she’s in my house, playing my video games, and eating my food…and I’m kinda annoyed by all of that.”

“So when is this my problem exactly?” IQ asked.

“I mean…” I was going to say ‘permadeath’, but that would make it sound like a positive for this whore. “It could destroy everything you actually care about? What little that is.”

“Ha! So you’re gonna commit… probably two counts of genocide, kill off maybe a forth of Stick and Equestrian populations and your own daughter?” I stepped back at that. “Just because I abandon them now doesn’t mean I never cared for them. Even if I don’t show it, I care… I just can’t deal with the… outliving part. Not anymore…”

“Alright…” I sighed. “But…onto a less depressing thing, what in the world was that dagger I found? That pitch black blade?”

“Void Dagger. I recommend using that on rare occasions. That thing can kill a sun, planet and ect in one hit.”

“Outstanding.” I said. “Now…onto an important bit, as to naming our girl and the Nanny cause I…tend to have trouble with naming stuff.” I said sheepishly.

“Your girl, your nanny.” IQ corrected me. “Want parental help. Or just help in general on anything, ask Hazard.”

“And…who’s that?” I asked, trying to think of a proper name for the both of them.

“Well, you already met Toxic and Instinct. He is our fourth member of our cursed existence of immortality.”

“And…how many of you are there in that special roguelike you call a soul?”

“Just… us four.” She said.

“Reason for the hesitation?” I asked carefully. “Or is it just something I really shouldn’t know?”

“You’re best off not knowing a lot of things.” She stated with a shrug.

“Right then.” I nodded. “So…planning on revolutionizing the planet or something?”

“Meh. I give them the information and they decide if or when to use it.” She shrugged.

“Fair enough.” I nodded, hearing my daughter make some light cooing noises, as I looked down to see she had two different eye colors, her right eye my brown eye and her left a sapphire eye from IQ. “And…I came up with a name for her…her name’s Dawn.”

To be continued...

Comments

[Starlight Nova]

Are you going to make any xkcd references?

[Xinrick]

11252014
a what?