Both of darkness neither of light. Both call themsevles monsters, each in their own right. One is shunned the other in pain, both are going slowly insane.Both on ponys they feast, but there is no Denying, the Beauty within the Beast's.
Hope You All Enjoy! If you think there is a problem or something you dislike please tell me! I want to hear you opinions! Thank you! Shout out to Dragon Historian best editor aka the spellcheck Machine <9000 !
He had a bright orange coat with a yellow and black striped mane, along with large silvery grey eyes. His cutie mark was a treasure chest inside of a compass and ironically, he was lost. He had decided to face the lurking dangers of the deadly forest in faint hopes of great glory and fame. His special talent was in archeology, and after all he had found many precious relics and glittering treasures even though he was barely out of his colthood.
I feel like in the first paragraph you could set Golden's introduction a little smoother. Feels kind of like you're reading off a list.
I would suggest maybe making it where you work in the description into scene to help it flow better. Like "as he trotted through the thick foliage of the forest he felt the harsh stray branches of dead trees swipe at his orange coat." Or something like that.
Good build up to the castle. I like the detail you add to get us into the scene with how his body aches after traveling so far. :)
As he trotted in, he noticed the room had no windows and that the whole room was colored a shade of red. He heard the door slam behind him. He quickly turned around and the mare who had been so kind to him all night, stood there, her eyes blood red. He watched in horror as she began to shake violently, color draining from her body and turning her coat into a pale sick greyish yellow. Her hair darkened and became disheveled as many strands fell from the once regal bun. Her feathers seemed to be peeling off, and revealed thick, veiny, and leathery bat wings. Two sharp long fangs sprung from her mouth. Once the transformation was complete, she let out an unearthly hiss.
Well it is off to a good start. Currently I would rate this as a two out of five. Now know my system starts at zero and goes up, or down. It depends on the content.
Also I noticed that you used this:
characters accept the Oc used in this chapter
When it should be except.
I also liked how you told us what was going to happen, though it made me wonder if Golden Treasure didn't do that... but that could be for a different story. Never the less I shall continue reading.
Hope You All Enjoy!
If you think there is a problem or something you dislike please tell me!
I want to hear you opinions!
Thank you!
Shout out to Dragon Historian best editor aka the spellcheck Machine <9000 !
7323481
*laughs*
Prologue! Not Prologe! Lol, derp!
Great start! Very well written, and I really like where this is going ^^
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Thank you all for your Input!
7329053 No prob!
I feel like in the first paragraph you could set Golden's introduction a little smoother. Feels kind of like you're reading off a list.
I would suggest maybe making it where you work in the description into scene to help it flow better. Like "as he trotted through the thick foliage of the forest he felt the harsh stray branches of dead trees swipe at his orange coat." Or something like that.
Good build up to the castle. I like the detail you add to get us into the scene with how his body aches after traveling so far. :)
Flutterbat is best bat.
img04.deviantart.net/f87e/i/2014/015/4/8/mlp_fim__the_vampire_brotherhood_by_alfredofroylan2-d72ah05.png
Does this guy want to die?
img09.deviantart.net/4070/i/2013/364/2/3/discord_and_flutterbat_by_joeywaggoner-d703va7.png
I like where this is going!!! I'm looking forward to see what happens next!
orig07.deviantart.net/f85e/f/2014/138/8/b/flutterbat_makes_a_donation_by_snapai-d7iwo9t.jpg
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thank you !
7329053
Next chapter......moar....
7329385
Be patient! I have a slight case of writers block plus I got cover art to do!
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Don't rush yourself, I was just teasing
7329599
I know
Well it is off to a good start. Currently I would rate this as a two out of five. Now know my system starts at zero and goes up, or down. It depends on the content.
Also I noticed that you used this:
When it should be except.
I also liked how you told us what was going to happen, though it made me wonder if Golden Treasure didn't do that... but that could be for a different story. Never the less I shall continue reading.