It rained the day Big Macintosh was trotting along a muddy path trough the orchard when he heard a whimper deep in the trees to his right. He rushed over to find a tiny white bunny shivering in the wet grass by Bloomburg. The tree seemed to lean back away from the rabbit as Big Mac came to investigate. “Well, Ah’ll be darned,” he said as he pick up the shivering animal. “What’re ya doin’ here? Ah best git ya ta Futtershy.” He put it on his back. He was already at the outskirts of Ponyville when he remembered he didn’t know where she lived. “Aw shoot. It’ll take more time ta go back, Ah guess Ah’ll hafta ask around. Hey, Lyra!” he called out to the sea-foam green pony, “Do ya know where Fluttershy lives?”
“Who, that new pony? I think it’s by the Everfree Forest. Oh, and tell Granny Smith to make some more pies. My mom’s coming over later to buy some.”
“Will do. Thanks.” He set off in that direction. He soon reached Fluttershy’s cottage and knocked on the door.
It opened slightly to reveal one big, sky-blue eye and a few whisks of pink mane. “H-hello?”
“Good mornin’ Futtershy. Ah got a patient fer ya.” He turned to show her the bunny on his rear.
The door swung open all the way. “Oh, goodness! Bring him inside. Oh, um, if you want to, that is. I can work out here if it would be more comfortable for you.”
“Nah, inside is fine.” He stepped around her. “Nice place ya got. Where should Ah put’ im?”
“Oh, on the table please. I’ll get him a pillow.”
He set the rabbit down. “So, uh, why do ya live way out here?”
“Hm?” Fluttershy mumbled as she examined the animal, “Oh, it’s much quieter and less stressful on the patients. Where did you find him, again?”
“Out’n the orchard under Bloomberg.”
“Bloomberg?”
“Applejack’s favorite tree.”
“Well, he’s very wet and cold, but he’ll make it through. Did you see any other bunnies out?”
“Nope.”
“Um, okay, so, is it alright if I keep him here?”
“O’course. G’bye, Fluttershy. Nice meetin’ ya.”
“Goodbye.”
Big Macintosh left the cottage and went home.
You concept is cute, but some of the storytelling needs work. I feel at points there are details left off the page that you thought as you imagined the scene in your head, but neglected to share them with the reader. The lost squirrel seems to be missing a couple details, all of a sudden she has a blanket with a tail sticking out of it, how did she get it? It's okay to let the reader make their own assumptions at times, but the readers imagination has to fill in so many details in the story that they lose focus. Times and settings change without us knowing, and over various structure issues.
Also, either indent all your paragraphs or none, don't switch formats. And if you're going to so sans indenting, place an extra line of space between paragraphs to separate thoughts. Otherwise, your grammar is already in the 85th percentile for a FIMFiction writer
You've obviously got a great idea, and I'd love it if you shared all of it with us
Oh, and this is just personal opinion, but did you not overexaggerate Mac's accent? His isn't nearly as prominent as his siblings. Kinda makes him sound like Braeburn (not a bad thing I guess, Braeburn is awesome)
I like it, even if it's extremely saccharine. Oh and I thought it was a little funny that you made Mac is responsible for bringing in the most unlikeable thing in the show to Fluttershy in the first place. No one likes Angel.
>>rthysofpeace: Oh, and it is in third person limited so far. Plus, I'm not very good at emotions.
>> Everypony reading this: Remember to tell a background character, please. I don't know all their names.
Well done
Also Bon Bon is a background character
And Docotor Hooves is a unofficial name for one of the background characters
Sorry I meant to say Doctor Hooves
pretty good.
Derpy whooves is probably most bronies' favorite BG character.
All alone in the forest
Derpy Hooves, Carrot Top, Octavia, DJ Pon3, Bon Bon, Lyra Heartstrings, Mr. & Mrs. Cake, Dr. Hooves, Derpy is sometimes referred to as Ditzy Doo, but that's not very popular.
Maybe this can help?