Does Twilights ultimate defeat at the hooves of Nightmare Moon mean the end of daytime in equestria?
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okay.... the title got my attention...... and forgot latin.... completely.....
what does it mean when its translated (not from google translate, i already know how unaccurate it is)
Wow, you actually got your Latin correct when you titled your story. I'm impressed. Most people would just say something malformed, like "Luna es cordis de noctis".
4185421 The Moon is the heart of the night.
4186319 actually it gets a lot better later on. if you get to chapter seven. you will notice an immense improvement.
this story is so jaw droppingly good i can't wait to see what happens next.
Finally reached the end, and I have to say, This. Story. Is. Awesome. Although I find some of the pacing to be off. We started at present time in the first chapter, and things kick off to a great and fast pace start, but then we get sent to the past where events slow down drastically. Now this is a known method of writing, to give the viewers a taste of what will come, but if this was you're idea then why return us to the present with Trixi only to rip us from it a second time. You clearly don't plan on alternating between past and present, so why?
The other issue I see with pacing is the events during the past with young Twilight. All chapters in the past feel like a jammed up roller-coaster with a repeating stop and go motion. We are informed when an event begins and what the problem is, then we are thrust forward to the conclusion skipping over the suspense because there was no rising action to generate it. Finally we are dropped off a cliff right after the climax to the exciting actions such as walking, feeding a Drake, and flower picking. This is a problem, the falling action is gone entirely, there is no ease back into the daily actions of traveling, it just happens.
I would like to use the Vamppony fight as an example. We start this ark when we are told Twilight feels a disturbance and sees her companions missing from the camp. (The viewer is now informed of the setting and the problem.) Twilight now rushes from the camp to the location of the disturbance and finds her companions being feasted on by Vampponies. (Notice the viewer was giving no time to wonder why they were missing or what danger they could be in if any at all.) Twilight begins the
fightSlaughter of all attackers. (Rising action missing before and during the fight.) (She shows no trace of fear, no hesitancy to kill, and receives no damage to herself. That is not combat, that is a massacre of foes that are completely outclassed with no reason to be so. This kind of "fight" gives readers no sense of threat, no feeling of potential danger, or any of the feelings one should have when a character they care for enters combat.) We end with Twilight and Cherry having a calm and polite conversion with the sole survivor, (Climax) Twilight aids her and then warps herself and Cherry back to the campsite and goes to sleep. They soon continue on their path come morning. (Coming from what should have been a life and death battle to speaking nicely to her foes, with no after battle tiredness, no simmering hatred of their recent attack and death of one of her travelers. The viewer is feeling no affects from the battle, it could almost not have even happened for all that happens afterward. Then Twilight and Cherry just go back to camp and go to sleep, so I guess Cherry could care less that he almost died, no thanks for saving me, or poor bodyguard sorry he died, or even any fear for his life what with him being the scared guy that he is, nope just goes to bed and they keep traveling.) (No falling action.)These problems while not large enough to ruin a story, can put a limit on the level of writing in a story.
4190097 Hmm... I see what you're saying. but a simple question I have for you. Have you ever done an escort mission in a videogame before? Now try putting that into context of the sections plot and that is why.
Also I will work harder on trying to pace the story better in the future. I'm Still figuring out what I can do with the story that works and what doesn't, also there are several chapters I'm going to have to delete or move along with some editing and expanding on certain parts that I rushed for the sake of making the story towards the beginning and getting it out.
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Chapters 3-6 will be rewritten and expanded eventually.
4188203 Thank you I try to do it as well as I can.
4195235 Ah thank you. also thanks for the fave.
4207380 Thanks for pointing that out and fixed.
Just finished the story so far and it definitely earned a faved! More soon please!
4215950 I'll try. but I'm getting distracted by DS2 in more ways than one. but the chapter should be out by the end of the month[hopefully].
4254029 the first chapters Will be edited later. I just need to finish and get past a certain point.
4287582 Dormant artifacts are nearly untraceable. she's searching for the obvious stuff that would have been left behind by mages and powerful beings long ago. so she can disassemble and study their matrices.
The elements by cannon reference went dormant right after Celestia sent Luna to the moon. and their magical signature hasn't touched their vessels ever since. so it would have dissipated.
yea, the earlier chapters will be redone when I finally get to the point where I do the rewrites. after chapter seven you will see a steep curve in my writing style.
I know your pain bro. Vendrik is just... Nashandra is way to easy on the other side. Keep the good work
Hawt.