Xavier Young is a writer and protector of Fables. He soon discovers a package from his lost mother. Now with this package and his friend, Flame, they set out on a journey to discover the truth. But this journey will be one they make in a new world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
"I looked around but I couldn't see anybody that would be able to talk to me. I then turned one last time and saw the crystal heart again. I didn't know why I kept seeing it, but here it was. But then that small voice in my head began to talk to me. It told me to reach out and touch the heart. But something in my gut told me not to, but who listens to their gut. Well, I guess I followed that voice and touched the heart. I then felt a warm feeling go through my body. I then looked to see my mark began to glow bright. I then watched as twelve crystal shards began to circle me. I then watched as each one entered me, the warm feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. It then ended and a bright light began to shine, which caused me to cover my eyes. I then witnessed as twelve shadows started to appear around me. I then heard the female voice spoke again."
Soooo many versions of then's, and to many DAMN "I THEN's"!!!!!
"I then felt a warm feeling go through my body. I then looked to see my mark began to glow bright. I then watched as twelve crystal shards began to circle me. I then watched as each one entered me, the warm feeling kept getting stronger and stronger."
4 "I then's" IN A ROW, COME ON!!!!!, It gets annoying hearing it over and over again in such a short amount of time. You really need go over and edit this, give it some life and variation.
If you don't you might as well call each chapter "I then...."
I'm sorry I can't read this, I tried but, the total amount of I then's is really throwing me off. Its basically, "I grab the sword, I then swing the sword, I then Swing it again, I then Swing it one more time, I then breath, I then breath out, I then Breath, I then I breath out, Then I Took one step, Then I took another step, Then I took another step...." Do you understand why that be incredibly annoying to me?
Also to many I's, but its not that annoying, but It's still not that great in story telling
A good example for i's would be, "I notice a couch, so decided to take a seat on it. Looking around the room and I notice how nice the scenery is and wonder if the owner was the one doing the decorating, myself (try different variations of saying I, Like "myself" for example) could learn a thing or two from them when it comes to my home. It's pretty much a pig-style right now, hopefully(Instead of saying I hope, try hopefully) they don't decide to visit my place.
I am taking my like away until you get that rework cause I don't remember it being like this in the last chapters.
This story is not that bad there are potential for it to be improved. So keep improve it.
7247415
Sorry about them all. I ]'m still getting into the writing life style. I might go back and see how to change a lot of those then's to something else. I can promise that I'll be watching my then count is not crazy like.
7247427
Thanks for the feed back. I will gladly go back to chapter five and look it over again. I'll make sure to change it to a less 'I' and 'then' reading. So check back in a while and I will put it in the comment section of the chapter and my change the title to say I have improved it.
7247415 like how "Friends" episodes would be called "The one with ___________"? Yeah i agree with you there.
Seriously, is your character on a quest or vacation cuz for a guy on a mission he certainly isnt doing anything to find out what his next move should be.
7247371 To each his own I suppose